Yes, You Can Make Him Chase And Want You More After Sex

how many dates before sex

Women in my opinion get way to hung up on how many dates before sex.  They over think it and often use sex as a bargaining chip to get commitment. They have an agenda and men can fell that unappealing energy from miles away.   

Chelsea is one of the most successful clients I have.  She’s displaying the seven traits of a high-value woman.  Her boyfriend adores her to death.  She embodies everything I teach about feminine mystique and he can’t get enough of her. She stopped over thinking and analyzing things like how many dates before sex or if she had to have a commitment before sex.

She wrote recently in the ladies group:  “Aww my guy and I actually spent 4 hours on the phone yesterday night my time – basically as soon as he woke up back in London! Talked for eons and every time we had a break, he would tell me how much he misses me and how in love he is with me, and how badly he wants me back in London with him. I do too – it’s just not the same not being able to wake up next to him or cuddle etc! But at the same time, hearing him say all these things warmed my heart sooo much.

When I told him how moved I am that he includes me in his life (inviting me to his company parties, best friend’s group weekends away, wedding dates etc), he said, “Chelsea, what are you talking about! Of COURSE you are a PART of my life… I’m in love with you!”  He keeps telling everyone about me – and keeps retelling some London friends over and over again how much he’s in love and how happy I make him, to the point where he thinks he’s making them vomit now. Haha! But seriously, he is the most amazing guy on earth… I absolutely adore him! He makes me swoon ten times over.

Yes, he’s been absolutely amazing and I’ve been really blessed to have him in my life. To be honest, we’ve never had any major issues – except perhaps that we were casually dating long distance a month in. But perhaps because of that, I naturally didn’t expect it to go anywhere or have any expectations, and just had fun with him (as I would any other guy in any other circumstances). 

On our first trip together, I did have to learn to let go and have sex without expectations as well, which was my biggest lesson from Kat. I didn’t bring up The Talk with him, and he brought it up a month later after he had referred to me as his girlfriend to a cabbie while on the phone with me. Since then he’s continued to keep stepping up: flying here from South America to visit me here in Asia and meet my family, driving me up from LA to SF to see my brother, introducing me to colleagues and friends here in Asia, talking so openly to his family and friends back in London about me and showing them pictures of us, absolutely spoiling me with surprises everywhere we went etc etc.

So right from the beginning, I’ve been very much in my feminine energy and just warmly appreciated him for his every move, from phone calls to trips to flowers etc. And because he’s been this amazing, it makes it even easier for me to sit back even more and just enjoy the ride, and this has now turned into this self-perpetuating cycle.

Clearly we both enjoy this active masculine/passive feminine dynamics and it works for both him and me. In fact, every time one of his friends grumbles about a controlling (or in male terminology, “psycho”) girlfriend/wife, apparently the first thing that pops into his head is that “Chelsea is so not like that.” (in truth too, I genuinely am not – I have no time for that – if a guy misbehaves, I’d just rather move on and find someone else rather than wasting my time and energy lashing out at him – my time and presence is too valuable to be wasted like that! )

We started dating in London for a month before (a) I moved halfway across the world, coincidentally (b) the same time as he started a 4-month sabbatical traveling in South America.  So by the time I moved to Asia, we had only gone on 5 dates, so I really didn’t expect it to continue for this long or developed to this level.

To be honest, the sex without commitment was my biggest stumbling block before I met Kat too. For years and years, I would date a guy for months, feel an emotional and physical connection and be “ready,” yet didn’t want to be “one of many.”  At the same time, I knew that men didn’t like to have the exclusivity talk pushed on them so I would often be confronted with either having sex without exclusivity, or else continuing to wait for the guy to bring up exclusivity and never getting there and ultimately having things fizzle out.

This happened at least 10 or 15 times over so that was my biggest issue when I came across Kat

I had just moved to Asia when I came across Kat. By the time my boyfriend and I met up in South America, we had only gone on those 5 dates back in London but had chatted long distance a fair bit. On our dates, our physical chemistry was off the charts, but with that being a couples trip, I knew I would have to decide on the physical issue. I asked Kat and her advice was that if it was ultimately up to me, but that if I was to do it, I would have to do it without any expectations (of him stepping up, calling or seeing each other again, exclusivity – anything at all) and that I was to just enjoy it for what it was. 

So I went on the trip and seeing how amazingly well he planned everything, and how respectful he was the first day… made me decide to throw caution to the wind  I actually didn’t expect him to call again after the trip anyways so I just enjoyed being with him and focused on my own sensual enjoyment of the romantic beach resort, the diving, his company etc etc.  I just thought of it as one finite holiday and nothing else, and decided the sex issue on that basis. No talk, but also no strings attached either – nothing else other than my own sensual pleasure and fun being with him. 

Anyways we both agreed that that trip just swept us both away… and a few weeks after that trip, he started calling me his girlfriend… and when I caught him doing it on the phone, that’s when I teased him about it  so the less you expect from a man (or any adult), the more you end up getting.”

If you have been following me for a while you will know that I am a big advocate on letting relationship unfold organically and naturally without strategizing.  What makes a difference is in the women’s stance and emotional mastery, not about what you often read out there: putting out vs. holding out, how many dates before sex, etc. (read here about the healthy approach to sex that is attractive to men: it’s not what you’ve been told all your life).

o me -and as exemplified by the sharing above- sex is not an issue, unless it’s really bad and unless you act all needy, clingy and antsy after sex.  If you continue to stay in your feminine and he really likes you (and he can’t NOT like you if you are feminine) he will always come back.  And if you allow him he will row the boat till you two get to the shore.

The problem many often cite about how damaging sex before commitment lies on your obsessive behaviors after sex.  You expect that he will right away act like he is in a full-blown relationship with you, thus when he doesn’t you become pushy and sour.

That’s what pushes him away.  Not sex.  Never sex (unless of course he’s a guy with low self-esteem that he feels threatened by your sexuality but you don’t want to be with a guy like that anyway).

Have sex when you feel comfortable to share intimacy with him and you trust yourself enough that you’ll be alright no matter what.  And you should be alright no matter what. Stop fretting over how many dates before sex.

That’s what I teach in both of my hit programs Journey Inward and Leaning Back Workshop (which Chelsea naturally signed up as well and she was claimed during the leaning back workshop).

Be a drama-free living-in-the-moment kinda girl and that’s all the secret I ever teach all my clients.  And that’s what truly works in the long run.  Unfortunately it’s so very hard to do if you are ridden with anxiety and insecurities.  Especially hard is when you operate from your masculine and don’t feel comfortable letting a guy lead. So if you always push men away after sex, it’s time for you to confront those issues.

UPDATE:  Chelsea just got engaged on 11/8/2014!!  Congratulations, I’m so elated.

UPDATE II:  She got married on a lovely April day 2015 in a beautiful wedding.

Wanna hear Chelsea’s story in our Goddess Interview of the Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship monthly membership?  You can purchase it here.  She’s the very first Goddess I interview and sign up for the Feminine Goddess Elightened Relationship monthly membership to hear other Goddesses’ stories like her.  And you can also get other (past) interviews with other goddesses here.


My new program Four Components Of Melting A Man’s Heart will guide you step by step on the path that will make him swoon to have a woman like you in his life that committing to you will be the greatest gift of all to him like my client Chrissy who got engaged during the program ONLY after 6 months!

And my ladies group have helped so many women become a better woman/person/partner and so far it’s free so add me on Facebook if you want to be included.

MORE: Intensify His Desire For You After The Mind-Blowing Sexual Connection You Share

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Photo from Deposit Photos


  • Hi Katarina, hope you see this.
    I am only 19, but about 4 months ago I had my first sexual experience with a guy my same age. He ended up “using me for sex”.. the same way I used him I guess. But, it was on his terms and he had control.
    It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through (and still am going through). Of course, he disappeared for about 3 months. I texted him just saying “hey” and he said “hi”. I said “what’s up?” thinking we would have an actual conversation, but instead of replying he just texted me the next day asking the hang out. I was busy with my friend that day so I said that I couldn’t that night.
    It is driving me crazy because I don’t know if I want a relationship with him, more sex, or just for him to chase me. Deep down I feel as if I might give into him again (hopefully I’ll be more grounded and aware) but at the same time I focus on the reality of the situation.
    He acted quite disrespectful towards me at times, but I try to forget and try not to think so negatively about him or the situation.
    Any advice would be appreciated :), don’t know if feminine magnetism might help me in this situation.

    • Why don’t you just date around and enjoy life. He’ll come pursue you when he wants to see you again. You just need to be responsive. Stop overthinking this.

  • Hello Kat! The guy I was going on dates with for two months stopped texting me after we had sex. I had absolutely no expectations of a relationship, I was truly just enjoying spending time with him. He is married, but separated and said he was looking into divorce lawyers. He was always very consistent with me. He would always tell me that he wanted to wait to have sex, so we stopped ourselves numerous times. After we both agreed to have sex, he told me he felt we had sex too soon and was torn. He then started saying he felt uncomfortable when I would cuddle with him and started saying he was not used to women who were so feminine like me. I told him I didn’t wanna pressure him at all. Well, it’s been about a week and a half and no texts or anything from him. I’ve been leaning back, but am still wondering if I should let him be and let him come to me when he’s ready or if I should send him a text just saying hi. I am making plans to go on dates with other men too, so I have a rotation ready. Would appreciate your input

    • You should date others and stop wondering about him. He’s nowhere near ready to jump in another relationship.

  • So I am going to assume that you are advocating that women just sleep with every man they date, no strings attached and hope deep down inside if this is the man you want to be in a relationship feels the same way about you????….You are talking about a woman having a high body count from sleeping with all of these men. It sounds like woman should not care and act like men…..I think they are setting themselves up for an even bigger heartache and months and even years wasting their time on many men.

    • You can sleep with whomever you like, not EVERY man you date. See the difference? There is no obligation for you to sleep with anyone, only the men you like. And have you seen my track record recently? 😉 How many success stories do I produce? It’s like 100%. You can’t fail with my method. Just can’t.

      • I get what you are saying….but its still saying “just go with the flow and not care”…..that’s what men do….so a woman should do what men do, but be feminine about it?….for women who are much older and wanting to be in a committed relationship this method will work against them…its called “Time”…..however, I do agree with you in that women must learn how to decipher the difference between a man who wants a commitment and the ones who don’t… just all sounds risky to a persons heart.

  • I used to try the sex with no expectations thing but I always ended up getting hurt somehow. Like so many women I love alpha males & I realized that the charm they use is because -well it works to get them sex relatively quickly. Women seem to believe that their sweetness means that there is a real connection, end up having sex, get emotionally attached & then get panicked, clingy, or angry. Obviously a huge turnoff.

    Recently I decided to switch it up with a very attractive & very confident Wall St type guy & literally kind of did everything women are told not to do. It was basically acting as if I was a character. I dressed classy but made sure my cleavage was very very on display. I flirted, smiled, told him how sexy he was, put my hand on his leg & went as far as to playfully tell him that he might get me into “trouble”

    When he asked what I was looking for, etc I pouted & said, “oh please let’s not talk about that stuff.. Let’s just keep it fun.” Of course the whole date I’m sure he thought we were going to sleep together but at the end I told him playfully that I don’t know if he would be able to handle me yet & dared him to call me for date # 2. No texts- call.

    Next day I get a good morning text. I responded back that I’m sorry I was serious that I don’t text with men after a first date & that if he wants to see me he needs to call. If not I completely understand but then told him that he’s not for me. He called.

    I ended up sleeping with him on date 3 but was so in control of my emotions that I knew I wouldn’t get attached. & it was fun;) but I addressed what the situation was going to be after & said very playfully that if this was a one time thing it was great & no regrets but also let him know that if he wants to continue to see me I expect this, this, & this. No pressure though. He can deliver or not. Then I don’t want him.

    We are still dating & he treats me like a queen. I seriously can’t believe the power we women have. Of course we are beautiful physically but I see that you really have to drive a man by having unwavering confidence, having no problem showering him with compliments, stroking egos, & always be willing to walk away showing no emotion.

    I’m trying to get my girlfriends to try some of these things & they just won’t. Then they end up hurt. Why don’t more women try this approach? At least if it doesn’t work out you go out on your own terms with your head held high. I’ll never go back to the damsel looking for my Prince Charming!!

  • I see that this is an older post, but I still so, so hope to see a reply.. I am in a weird situation and all my friends are calling me crazy for holdning on to it. I come from an abusive marriage that left my self esteem in pieces. I used to be very beautiful, could get any guy I wanted and never really had to have strategies. I have never spent time with a guy who didn´t fall in love with me…They all did, and most of them because of my personality, never had to calculate, or think of when to call and not, until my ex. I got sick and gained 60 pounds AFTER my pregnancy, he called me fat, ugly, would spit on me, and I was to sick to leave as I was dependent on him as well as my baby. He finally left 2 years ago, but my esteem was just as low. I had to fight so many demons, but Im doing great now 🙂 ANYHOW, after all this, I lost a bit of weight, but I still couldnt go back to modelling , as I am still overweight, although not significantly. I randomly met a guy in my field of business and we started talking about working together, which we also did. In the beginning I wasnt too interested, but then HE started initiating so much contact. My phone was on repair, so he was the one doing all the calling (my old phone only recieved calls), he was pissing his territory, he introduced me to all his friends, his mother, talked about how “if we were together” etc. All until we started talking about sex. At the time I was having fun, but he just suddenly turned all the conversation into sexy ones, and suddenly “I could never marry you” and suddenly it was fine to stare at women when I was there, comment on them, etc. It seems like he lost respect for me., but still didnt initiate anything. At some point I said I wanted to be in a relationship before I have sex w ith someone new (after my husband) and then he said “then I should hit the breaks”. We had some problems while working together, I was turned off and stopped seeing him as interesting in that way, but he kept calling me sexy, beautiful, wonderful, amazing and what not, flirting, hugging, and I fell for him again, being so low in my self. He can also joke in a mean way (you should lose your love handles, you are such a crazy bitch, stuff like that) . Anyway, after months of teasing, we in a phoneconvo started talking about sex, we ended up having phone sex. That led to sex in real life BUT he started groping me and talking in my ear and SOMEHOW we had sex with each other BARELY even kissing, and the 2 times we kissed it was a disaster, he is super cheap with his toung and I had to initiate most of the kissing.After sex he got dressed and I had to convince him to lay down, and he wouldnt even hug me. When he went he just kissed my cheek like he always does anyway. I felt so cheap. He is not just any guy, he is my best friend, the one who claimed to “love kissing,” “need connection for sex” “makes a girl feel good about herself after sex” . H is also rough in bed, which is great with someone you are completely unattached or completely attached to – but with a friend that just goes up after just have been calling you a slut (it turnes him on..) and ejeculating in your face – it left me feel so humiliated and cheap. He always talks about how it is important to have emotional connection during sex , but is actually not like that at all during action..

    The day after it was normal, just friends.. And the day after we had sex again, he was late, so afterwards he just ran out. Then he didnt initiate anything, and I said we wont be having sex again, he asked why and I said I thought it was bad, felt unnatural and he said the same, he said he forced himself and that it felt like he could not connect his friend with this naked girl under him (not so strange as we basically went from friends to sex, without even a kiss :/ ) Well, after that we both fell great being able to communicate like that, send msgs about how we loved eachothe too much not to talk about evetything etc- but at some point during the next day we had a fight and he hugged me, and held me for 20 minutes, after that, he kissed my neck, my cheeks, hugged me again.. Then he sent a pm that he needed it and that felt so good, better than sex. Also said that he wish he could have just have held me that night instead of sleeping with me. I was confused as it was HIM not initiating hugging and kissing, almost turning me down when I went in for it, and then not snuggeling, and suddenly HE would have rather hugged and kissed?! Sure..I was very confused. He told me later on that that hug changed everything, the way he looked at me. He started sending kisses, said he missed me, stuff like that. I followed his lead. Some days later, and couple of sweet messages and long phone calls (which he initiated in the beginning but stopped with later on) later, we were having dinner, and he got sweet and touchy feely, later on we snuggled for the first time and later had sex. He hugged me afterwards, wow, and then when on the way hime he yells after me “we re cool, right? Nothing unresolved?” and I , again felt so cheap. He said everything was changed, acted like in love, snuggled, and then this again.. 2 days later he barely looked me in the eye at work, I felt so, so shitty – and I was supposed to cook, but suddenly he says that he is off to home. I got really offended as I had bought all the food, and I am alone with my kid, so not really in the position to cook huge meals for 2 of us.. He stayed, and ignored me, and was cocky, then from nowhere, starts grabbing me.. I got turned on, but felt so bad after some time that I stopped it. We didnt see eachother for 7 days – and then when we talked, we ended up having phone sex again, when he finished he told me “if you re not finnished, finnish it off yourself” I got really pissed., after which we didnt see eachother for 7 days and he barely talked with me , didnt answer my calls sometimes and ignored my texts. When we saw eachother, he started grabbing me again, and I got in controll and started grabbing him back, but didnt bring him back home and didnt have sex.He did say that he can have sex from me whenever he wants to ?!? which is not true, as I stopped him several times. Me being the initiator cought him a bit off guard. I feel a bit more in controll now, he is starting to call again, and text and I am not texting or calling. BUT for how long? He is my very best friend. Should I keep this charrade? Every time we have sex he loses respect for me it seems like..He tells me Im beautiful sexy, amazing, smart – makes me feel great (he is 10 years younger that me, and super hot) and then tells me he could never marry me (while other times he says he should), he talks to his friends about me and his mum wants us to be together, he tells me all this, then he needs to point out how we are NOT a couple (I never mentioned I wanted to be) . I have a kid who he loves which is maybe why he is scared to be with me, he even said so, that before we hooked up he thought “what if we fall in love, and we break up, and I lose him”But now we are already having this strange thing, whats the problem? He talks about watching a movie, but wouldnt come to my house except apparently when he wants sex so bad, because he basicly avoids having sex with me, but cant help it as we are like magnets. When we dont have sex, its fine, when we hug, its great, when we do have sex, everything goes to hell. Also cant accept having sex without kissing, its half the joy! He is really not for me – but now that i am about to go on a date with another guy, I know I need to lie about it as he should not handle it well.. When another guy hit on me he said ” he will once and for all remember not to try to take whats mine”
    So he is possesive, if he goes and sleeps with somebody, it s fine, I cant say a word, but I cant even flert..He also told me not to go out with my friend (you dont need her, you have me?!).Whats wrong with him, honestly?I do love hima s a person, but he is not reliable, not responsible, lazy, cant make plans with him because he always flakes or changes them, and he just comes whenever he feels like it, “Im outside, come out so we can have a coffee”. I have a kid, I cant live like that. I cant be in a relationship like that, which is why Im kind of ok with being undefined, but him being so weird after sex and sex being so bad since I miss the kisses and cuddling afterward – I just dont know what is left.. ON the other hand, I believe that if he could just let himself feel that we could have nice hugs, and kisses and that he could soften up. I know hw loves me, he even said so couple of times, followed by “well, you know what I mean, not in that way”. I love him too, but I cant stand feeling so cheap, especially when the sex wasnt worth it, and I feel like I am losing the friendship – like its do or die. I dont want to be just friends, but I dont want to keep playing games either… Today he came to my neighbourghood, called me couple of hours later, and during the call said “well, I am off to home”, he was about to ask to see me, and then something changed. Hse thinks I will weit forever..I really dont know what to do, I dont want to love him and be with someone else, and I dont want to lose the friendship if we will not happen, i dont want to feel bad after sex..I just want a normal guy, with kissing, hugging, watching a movie, making plans, making love – just normal, like it was always before -is there something wrong with him? Or is it just me that he is like this with (because he talks about connection, how he loves kissing, how he make girls feel good after sex – or is it just lies, because why am I getting the worst of him?!) I am on the end of my rope with this, would be so grateful for an advise..Thank you <3

    • Hi:) I know your post is from November. I hope your situation has gotten better… but even if it hasn’t I wanted to recommend a book that literally changed my life. In every way. I’ve read so many dating advice books but this one is my bible. It’s blunt & some may find it offensive but I swear you will NEVER let a man hold control over your emotions again. YOU will rule any relationship & men will love you for it. The book is called “Men Don’t Love Women Like You.” Like I said it’s extremely blunt but I can’t even explain how much it has changed not just my love life but my overall life in general. You will walk away feeling unwavering confidence & will never ever question men again & you will never have to worry about being disrespected again. Good luck:-)

  • I was wondering if you could help me out.

    I have been seeing a guy for almost 3 months. From the start he said he wasn’t interested in a “full on serious relationship” and at that stage I wasn’t either. He then told me 5 weeks ago that he had feelings for me but wasn’t ready to commit to them yet. I was intoxicated and my reaction was “okay we should stop sleeping together/talking etc.” Up until this point it had been really perfect and he always replies asap, initiates to hang out etc. After this conversation he came back really strong without even a day in between where there was no contact and kept initiating plans e.g., going away together and paying for it. We didn’t sleep together for 2 weeks but as he lives with 4 of my best friends, we fell back into a sleeping together arrangement again and things pretty much went back to where they stopped. I had a conversation with him this week because I really wanted to know where I stand. He pretty much said that he didn’t want “rules” i.e., you can’t sleep with someone else, however for this time we would only sleep with each other and if we did sleep with someone else then we would have to tell each other and it would change what we have. I was happy with this. When it came to kissing other people, he said that because I wasn’t his girlfriend, I wouldn’t need to tell him if I kissed someone else because it would hurt him but if i were his girlfriend, he would want to know. I pretty much said I disagree and coming from a place of security that it would be nice to know that he wasn’t out kissing other girls. He doesn’t’ go out much either which he used to try and reassure me. I told him that due to the living situation and fear of getting hurt I may want to remove myself from the situation.

    Overall I was happy with the conversation but upon reflection I’m wondering if he just sees me as a friends with benefits thing (even though we have feelings for each other?) or whether he sees it going somewhere and he just needs more time… He pretty much ended the conversation with, we’ve made good progress, we will come back to it and not sleep with others in the mean time.

    What is your advice with my next step? I’ve given myself a week away from him because of exams anyway and time to gather my thoughts. Should I bother bringing it up again, should I stop sleeping with him or should I keep sleeping with him in the hope that he will give me what I want eventually? I guess where I’m confused is that if I stop sleeping with him… he may see me as needy and full on considering it’s only 3 months in. But at the same time I don’t want to keep sleeping with him if it is just going to hurt me and he will never give me what I want.

    Please help, thanks.

  • I used to keep sex as a tool to negotiate, considered it sacred and it got me into a lot of emotional trouble. A guy waited for me to have sex with him for 7 months! The relationship was not great, and i thought giving him the ultimate asset of mine, will fix it. WRONG. A week later he was kissing another girl. Now I think of sex differently.

  • Update on things:

    I really have never felt better, my anxiety is gone, I no longer pine away for men I can’t have (customer at work), I am so confident, and it shows.

    Eric painted my apartment for me, travels to see me and for Mothers Day surprised me with tickets to a soccer game as I am a huge soccer fan and have never been to a game! I saw the price and nearly spat out my tea.

    Met up with someone I knew in high school that I had a major crush on Tuesday night. This was a guy I used to be so nervous around because he was popular, student council president, girls all over him and he drove from Toronto to see me, asking me out again, telling me I looked better now, that I’m incredible, mature, classy and he’s blown away. I wasn’t nervous, I just went with it and had a nice time catching up. Now he’s talking about coming back early from a trip next week to see me sooner.

    I don’t browse profiles online, I can’t keep up with the messages I get plus I have a customer at work (remember that story I mentioned months ago about the gorgeous contractor and the confident girlfriend that I aspired to be like)…..well he keeps asking me to come see the house he’s painting, he’s asking my approval on everything, he’s been touching my arm when he talks to me, finds excuses to talk to me, and I resist and change the subject, with a smile on my face because I assume he is still with someone else. I have not gone to see this house, he keeps showing me pictures on his phone while being literally a 1/4 inch from me. Even his co worker buddies say he has a thing for me but I just keep smiling and working like nothing is happening.

    My ex from 6 years ago randomly started messaging me on Facebook and asked me out too…..

    I am.

    Blown away at the change, the cycle 4 Journey Inward replays have been a god send to me, I have never been this happy or confident in my own abilities and in myself. I have never attracted men like this. I haven’t had to do a thing at all and even when I was away with my daughter for two days, I had no anxiety about messages or returning messages, I let it be because I am busy. So when I don’t reply, it’s because I’m busy with life and not as a tactic to attract a guy. I don’t have to do that.

    The first two (1 a and b) and 2 of the replays are the ones that resonated with me the most. I wasn’t looking to get an ex back but the underlying messages of identifying and labelling thoughts and childhood wounds are what got to me. Like I have said on other posts, I would write out the lesson, and then write about how it applied to me. Sometimes I would actually write that it didn’t apply to me and ten minutes later I have written three pages about how it does without even realizing. It’s best to just not resist and see what pops into your head, it’s amazing how so much of what we do a subconscious. So even if you aren’t looking to get an ex back, the statements apply at any time. Kat specifically said that cycle 4 would be the one that would resonate with me the most and at first I wondered if that was true but she was right 100 percent.

    Any of the new women in here, believe me, when I joined in December, I was a ticking time bomb. I was anxious, lashed out, was defensive, drove men away, stared at my phone, took time off work to sit at home and wait for a call. It was bad! And when I posted for the first time in Kat’s group and got told that it was ME that was wrong, it was an eye opener. I screenshot all if the responses in my threads and I can look back and see the transformation. At first I resisted but pretty soon, I saw what was wrong and knew I had to fix it. But you really have to want to change for it to happen. If you think you’re tight and that you’re a victim, you will keep having the same dates with the same kind of men until you learn your lesson. When you learn it, he good ones appear as the universe will reward you.

    So please ladies, don’t get your back up when we say something you don’t want to hear, we all mean it out of love and it’s what you need to hear.

    I really couldn’t picture myself at this point six months ago, this WORKS. Not because we are “tricking” men or anything, we just feel that much better about ourselves and what we deserve that nothing else really matters. I am at a point now that I don’t care about being claimed, I like how things are

  • Hi Kat,

    My EUM is younger than me and somehow a bit more immature. He has shown me sincere love and treats me very very well, makes me feel loved, and has proven his feelings quite a lot, however he has an issue which is commong to many other men, which is that he has a wandering eye and he seems to place a lot of importance in looks, and for sure he checks other ladies a lot, which I find a tad distasteful. I know it is male nature, and I understand men watch porn and magazines and they can separate lust from love, however I was raised in a family where my Dad was a womanizer who traumatized me severly with his infidelity and his flirty ways. He even hit on my lady friends in highschool and was even once gonna be denounced for harrasment, which was shameful for me to say the least.

    I have shared all this with my EUM and he seemed understanding and supportive. Yet, he seemed always to be of the idea that he liked to relate to many women, he seemed to enjoy flirting with them, and he was not expecting to find me and fall for me. I am totally aware that I am in a much better position than him and that I provide to him a lot of things no other lady has so this gives me some sort of leverage.

    I saw him befriend online very sexy ladies and I never said a thing cause I did not wanted to show myself as jealous or insecure. It is not really jealousy per se, but I always knew that because of my own experience with my Dad, I would certainly appreciate a man who was commited and able to really make me feel secure, treasured and loved. The thing is this guy treats me excellent, he is caring and loving, but he still wants to check other ladies around. Something I really do not like in a guy is not being able to introduce him to a lady friend or family relative who is good looking and see him drool over her or check her out from head to toes. I admire guys who even if they see very sexy ladies, can remain centered, fulfilled with their woman, and not crave for other women or make it so noticeable.
    I mean one time he even shown me pictures of the sort of woman he likes. I was like : I would never would have shown him pics of naked guys I fancy… on one side I do not even have them on my computer, I do not relate like that to men !! I fall for intelligence and kindness not because of muscles. I felt awkward and told him this was not a good idea and we ended up fighting.

    So recently this has become more like a full relationship where he calls me his beloved, writes everyday, we skype, we are planning to take a trip together… and last night he befriends another bombshell. In the past I did not say a word cause we were not so close, but now I felt I had to speak up. I told him that while only he knew what sort of interaction he had with these hot ladies on FB, and that was not of my business, I had noticed that pattern on him to place a lot of importance on looks, and that it was making me uncomfortable. I also told him that I would not like to be like my own mother when my dad was chasing other women or staring at other women right in my Mother´s face and she just allowed it. I sorta dislike guys who act like hungry wolves with sexy ladies, I find it unclassy as hell.

    Anyhow, first he said that he just appreciates nice features in women and that this one in particular to him was “normal” cause he is from a part of Europe where people look like models and he is used to these looks. Then he said he befriended her cause he is very spiritual and he could help her too and that I was being prejudiced to people with good looks. Then he said that he loved me and that he would see what he could do to ease my anxiety, but that he was worried if we were together and he did not had his eyes on me 100% of the time, that would become an issue between us. So that last phrase made me confirm he indeed has a wandering eye and tends to be checking the ladies who cross his way. And I totally feel repelled to men who do that…I had enough of that with my Dad.

    I was very clear I disliked that, and that it was not because of jealousy but because I felt that the man needed to make his lady feel loved and secure and to me, checking other ladies all the time was disrespectful and distasteful. And that I would never be comfortable with a guy who does that. I was very clear and direct about this. I felt if I accepted this situation then it would be like that for always and I would need to put up with his flirty ways. He got irritated and said that he did not wanted to discuss this anymore, that how come I never tell him this when he befriends ugly / older ladies and that I was being unreasonable and that other ladies he dated did not mind him looking or interacting with other women.

    Anyhow I am standing firm on my argument. Maybe I am the one who is wrong, maybe I am indeed jealous, maybe I want exclusivity and I know that I cannot force him to give me that and I have never forced him at all, I always have let him chase me. I explained fully and respectfully my position, yet he replied irritated and said not even his ex was like that. I told him I do not care how his ex was, this is me, and my way of thinking, and what I like and dislike about men, and he needs to be aware of this.

    He has not replied and I know he will act as the offended one, as if I am not trusting him, or trying to cage him ( when it is not true… I just want to be treated in a way where I do not have to feel ashamed of him checking all the women around us all the time ). More than jealousy, it is about defending my self worth.

    I am not planning to tell him anything else and I will wait for hom to contact me. But I wanted to run this through you my dear ladies, and hear from you, cause he is very good at making me feel as if I am the jealous, the incorrect one who needs healing and who cannot trust him. If this was only one lady he befriended who is a bombshell I would not say a word. But he mostly befriends pretty ladies… only a handful of guys and only a couple of ladies one could say are not “pretty”…

    I told him that even if I was not asking for any sort of commitment, I still needed to know that he was not relating romantically and sexually, in real life or online, with another woman. Cause I am not into cheating and into polygamy. I sense he thinks if he is nice to them, if it is an “innocent flirt”, if he only checks their pics but also treats me well, we all win. He even said he believed in the concepts presented by polyamory. So, there is certainly a situation there to consider. I do not want to change him, and he has been amazing to him but there is that one thing that does not make of him the ideal man. Waiting for him to chance is not something I think is wise. He knows how important I am for him, I do not think he wants to loose me, but I am having serious doubts I will feel ok if he keeps interacting in such ways with other ladies. He says that if I think that way is because I am jealous, insecure of myself. I do not sense it is that, mostly I am trying to honor myself and not have a repeat on what I endured in my childhood.


    • Katarina Phang

      You subconsciously choose a guy who is just like your father. You repeat the relationship you had with your father growing up. Don’t date men like that if you are bothered by it, simple! (I know maybe not that simple). I’ll be so turned off by playboys myself. Not my cup of tea cause they are not like my father.

      You can explore and heal this in my hit program Journey Inward.

  • Katarina Phang

    Thank you, Tatjana for helping me discarding the myth about sex that keeps many women perpetually single and sexless which in return make them undateable.

  • Kat, I wanted to share this exchange w/ the fireman.

    What amazes me is that men are crawling out of the woodwork!! Some of them are very date-able and others ‘not so much’.
    I also want to back up what Katarina has said about when we have sex. It really isn’t about when – it is about expectations, specifically, not having them.

    The fireman and I had sex on our first date. We both knew, as we shared our first kiss, that there was ‘something’ between us. He keeps bringing that up. If a man wants a booty call then it doesn’t matter when you have sex.

    I had no expectations and he is reaching out several times a day, via text and calls, to have real conversations.

    I see how I do need to lean back a bit more and enjoy the day to day with him. My mind wants to picture a future with him and I truly don’t want to go there.

    So, humor me and let me share this exchange from this morning…Fireman and I were discussing men not respecting my boundaries when I went to karaoke, last night. I am not accustomed to having that kind of attention and I wasn’t sure how to respond to men who are more like wolves. This was his response – me thinks he is feeling the feminine energy/magnetism and uses this description:
    “You should be… I suspect our conversations and time together have ignited your supply of pheromones and now even the most cretin of men can pick up on that…

    It changes how you look to men yet it is imperceptible to you… But there is a difference… I can see it..

    And the vibe is different as well – like the hi-freq sound that only dogs can hear…

    You are the beautiful one..inside and out…And it is your inner beauty that I find so desirable

    Trust and honor and respect are to be earned and that happens over time, And you have earned mine.

    • Oh good for you Tatjana …… I did same with sex first time I met my guy after 6 weeks conversing and LD …. We are now partners (after 4 months) he said I was his woman…. And he speaks in similar fashion showing a deeper connection above the common mundanity one sometimes encounters ! Lol enjoy xx

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