Why Won’t He Marry Me Already?

Are you so wrapped up in the destination of marriage, asking the question why won’t he marry me, that you miss the beauty and purpose of your relationship? Not everyone needs to marry.  If you are so focused on the destination, you miss the journey, and it’s the journey that determines your destination in the first place.

 

Why won’t he marry me. I received many emails asking me this kind of question.  Here’s from Jennifer: I’ve been in a relationship with a man for almost 3 years. We’d talked about moving in together and getting married.  He acts like a father to my daughter, stays at my home 24×7, does most of the cooking for us, looks after my daughter when I have to work evenings and is completely devoted to us.

To backtrack: he told me a long time ago that he didn’t believe in marriage.  After dating for over a year I decided it was a deal breaker for me. He wasn’t happy about this but decided that ultimately I was more important that getting married or not getting married and if this was what he needed to do to be with me and my daughter he would do it.

He admitted several times that he was very afraid to get married but he was 100% certain he wanted to be with me.

A couple of months ago we actually started to make plans to formally move in together and had agreed that we would get married by the end of 2015. He was having a real estate agent list his home as it became real and we were excitedly planning what new furniture to buy etc.  He freaked out and said that the only reason he was going along with all of this was that he was afraid to lose me but he just isn’t ready and he couldn’t do it.

He continued to stay over every day night at my place however…

At 3 years in we have a beautiful life together and do everything as a family. We walk my daughter to school together every morning, he waits up for me when I’ll be out late and puts my daughter to bed. We have a lot of fun together, BUT I’m 43 and he’s 51 and I don’t want to wait any longer.

I kind of lost it 2 nights ago and he said he couldn’t handle the stress, packed up EVERYTHING (except conveniently kept my keys) and went home (which has hasn’t stayed at without me in almost 2 years. He left without saying goodbye and I haven’t heard from him in over 48 hours which is unheard of in well over 3 years.

So, I guess this is where your book comes in 🙂

~~~

Well, as I mentioned below he is gone and it’s now been 96 hours without a peep… simply said I can’t handle the stress, packed up everything, took my keys with him and left without a goodbye.

I’ve been leaning back for years so contacting him isn’t even the slightest urge.  The controlling part of me simply wants to know WHEN I’ll hear from him and WHAT he’ll say.

I intend to be a cool as a cucumber when I see/hear from him (whether I can actually do it is a different matter but from your testimonials your programs are what I need)

Leaning back and letting him ‘mostly’ be the man is how I ended up with such a great guy, devoted in every way but marriage.   He fears being legally financially responsible for my daughter as he wants to take an early retirement in 5 years.  It makes a lot of sense to me (but a wounded part inside of me says how dare you that I’m not good enough for you).

One of the things I’ve always loved about him is that he NEVER disappeared in more than 2 years so because he “isn’t ready” and I’ve been whining about moving forward (obviously a relationship killer on my part).  I think it was time for him to have some time to himself.  He actually never let me breathe before and although I miss him I am relishing in my freedom!!!

This is probably horrible, but I figured out one of the reasons I started to pressure for marriage.. the horrible part is that I was unconsciously or maybe even consciously looking for an “exchange” since he never left my home except when he had to work 8 days a month (firefighter), between him and my 9-year old daughter I never had a moment to myself, it was making me depressed and I haven’t been able to get out of bed for 6 months or more.

So, my logic was if he’s going to take up every minute of my time, in my home that I work hard to maintain (he owns his own condo btw, was just never there), he can help me pay the rent and since I have NO LIFE outside of you please marry me.   No that I am free I can see things from a better vantage point.  He doesn’t pay rent and obviously we’re not married.  I know that I need to be financially self sufficient.  I just need to gently be busy and if he’s in my own then I need to be out

The thing was that every time I would go out for some me time (pole dancing classes or yoga mostly) my daughter would need a baby-sitter, which I was fine with but he would always offer to stay home with her.  The dynamic of my child staying home with my boyfriend made me feel guilty.  I would think that this would drive him away being at home with my daughter instead of me. He would just play his guitar and do his own thing mostly so I really don’t think he minded.  I would so much rather prefer to pay a babysitter and give him his freedom, but he never wanted any freedom

I’m the one who needs the freedom! He always felt free in my presence as I allowed him to give to me a lot… do all the driving, take care of my daughter, cook our meals for us, let him lead (with exception of his slowness with the relationship moving forward).  I know this is stupid on my part but I was always like (in my head) thinking, please just marry me.  If you want to be with me 24×7; instead of loving me by doing EVERYTHING for me, just give me what I want. I know… lol

Since Sunday I’ve joined Match.com and put up a profile with my picture.  I’m “typically” not interested and if it’s what I need to do I know it’ll be best to force and get moving… 

I am certain he’s going to eventually surface.  He has my house and car keys! And, we have a trip to BC planned and paid for in 2 weeks.

The thing is… I just want to either date him or marry him (this is a bad attitude I’m sure).  I don’t want him to be at my house all the time.  I want to pay a babysitter to take care of my daughter.  I don’t want to be “on-call 24×7” to someone I’m not married to.  I really have not much to say when/if he comes back.  I hope he will take his time because my daughter is away at camp and I have my life all to myself which is so great.  Just to be ALONE… play my music, pole dance, catch up on things I’ve put off while focusing on him; focus on my business.

I don’t ever DO anything for him.  I am simply happy and fun to be around.  I am his safe place to land but it’s killing me, hence the marry me anger…  Wrong solution to my problem 🙁

a) I don’t think I have the strength to just date him and fill up my life with fun things.  Also, I’m a mom.  Most evenings are homework nights.  Not so glamorous.  I guess I’ll have to get the self esteem to say “hey, I’m busy this evening doing homework but he always wanted to help with homework and walk my daughter to school together and pick her up.”

The more I write this I am sounding like a man 🙂 but I know that I’m a woman and hurting like a woman for not being chosen by him.

I’m a marriage therapist and for 10 years I’ve been a single marriage therapist.  It’s my dream to be married.  I realize that it’s a dream that I need to let go of.  I know I need to become emotionally healthy enough to simply love myself and give love in a relationship with a man that chooses me that I accept.  It’s coming from the wrong place inside of me.   This is where I need your help

I’m almost positive he is coming back and will claim me… but should I have a rotation?

I think about breaking up with him a lot… always about marriage/living together not happening… should I walk away from this relationship? This is a very good man… honest, loyal and devoted… maybe I’m EUW?

I think my biggest problem is not knowing how/being strong enough to fill up my life… say no, so that I can spend more time with my daughter alone..

Now that I’ve been alone for 4 days… I haven’t had anyone but my own company… but I am always doing this and that in my own world… hanging out with myself… I don’t feel like making time for him or anyone else… (does your program help with this lack of balance?)

So, if you have any thoughts/questions/advice for me that would be great.”

Reading this I see a lot of contradictions in her.  If you are one of those women who thinks marriage is so important (especially if you have divorced and done all the “marriage thing” once, twice or thrice), read this carefully. 

So Jen has a terrific, available man whose only flaw is he’s not ready to marry or feels scared about marriage, other than that their relationship is blossoming and he’s acting like a husband (other than not paying for rent, which can be fixed pretty easily if she’s upfront about this).

And Jen associates marriage with self-worth, hence she struggles: “Why doesn’t he choose me?  What’s wrong with me?”

Yet, in the same breath she doesn’t want him to be as available as he is if he’s not marrying her.  She wants her freedom and space and all that.

Ummm…do you see what I see?

She’s not interested in the relationship per se, it would seem, (she even sees her own emotional unavailability) but simply what marriage represents her: a confirmation of her self-worth that she is good enough for a man to marry.

And how do you suggest a marriage like this -should it happen- will last?

Many women don’t even realize their intention to marry simply comes out of the security seeking mind or a place of FEAR.  And bad news is there is no security that comes outside of yourself.  Marriage won’t make them secure if the relationship doesn’t feel secure as it is without marriage. Next time you ask the question why won’t he marry me reflect where in you that question is coming from.  Is it your insecurity?

I’m not saying it’s wrong to want to marry, yet remember this: marriage only offers what you can offer a relationship despite it. Don’t get into the illusion it will make your relationship better or more secure. If you are not very skillful in relating, marriage won’t save it.

Don’t make marriage the be-all and end-all.  Make it the extension of your great connection.  Does your relationship have a potential to last?  Ask yourself that question first, before you ask why won’t he marry me.

Not everyone needs to marry and by God, please let marriage be a by-product of a healthy relationship, not a destination. If your relationship is shaky now or not that connected (especially if you aren’t even sure about wanting to be with him most of the time) stop thinking of marriage for a while. Dive in the relationship, live it to the fullest, commit to it, be vulnerable, work with your partner to heal each other (sign up for Module 5 Salvation Through Relationship, I will explain this in detail in this brand new program).

That’s what relationship is for. You should stay together till it no longer serves the growth purpose for either/both of you. And stop deceiving yourself that you can walk away from relationship when you’re not done. Be brave, stay and work it out.

Many relationships fall apart or can’t go a distance because the participants focus on fear. Fear is the opposite of love. You can’t water your plants with the very thing that kills them. It’s the same thing with relationship. So when your relationship is in strife more often than not and you wonder what the future holds, ask yourself: have I watered it with love or fear?

The fear of not having enough security or not feeling lovable without marriage is the thing you need to work on first before deciding to marry.  And if you have married before (and have had kids), what is the rush?

Gary Zukav wrote in the Seat Of the Soul:

“Emotions reflect intentions. Therefore, awareness of emotions leads to awareness of intentions. Every discrepancy between a conscious intention and the emotions that accompany it point directly to a splintered aspect of the self that requires healing. If, for example, your intention to marry causes pain instead of joy, following the pain will lead you to unconscious intentions. If your intention to advance in your work causes sorrow instead of satisfaction, following the sorrow will lead you to unconscious intentions.”

What he means is if your intention to marry makes you suffer, check what is behind that intention?  If your intention is to create a harmony within your relationship, your desire to marry won’t feel so painful to you.  But if your intention is to get validation through marriage, the underlying fear will work against you and slow down the process of him to come to terms with this.

Then you begin to strategize trying to make him do what you want and you add more tension in the relationship with your unhappy vibe and the less likely marriage will happen.

Allow him to feel his fear, yet you can’t fight fear with fear.  Fear can only be healed with love.  If you come from a place of security, fullness and love, your high frequency will draw him in so that he can come to the relationship from the same exact frequency you vibrate.

That, I believe, is the fastest way to make a guy to want to marry you.

It takes inner strength, yes but I teach all that.  If marriage is so important to you, I can’t recommend enough of these two programs: Journey Inward and Four Components Of Melting His Heart (starting in August so hurry!).  These two programs will make you such an incredibly powerful feminine Goddess that stands out from the rest.

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

 

MORE: Will He Ever Marry Me?  You Might Find The Answer Here

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Still have burning questions regarding men and relationship?  Click here and get them solved!!

Image credit Deposit Photo!

Related Post

3 comments

  • Hi Katarina,

    I’m hoping you can help me with my situation. I met my EUM at the end of November after my 11 year relationship/marriage ended in April 2013. I guess I fell into the trap of chasing him/leaning forward out of excitement, impatience, inexperience and at the time thinking he was shy. We had 5 dates between Dec and Feb (all of which I grudgingly initiated). On the fourth date we made out on the sofa and he was obviously ‘excited’, I gave him the opportunity to stay over but he left. I got way ahead of him and stupidly after our fifth date I made the mistake of asking what was going on because I was frustrated that he wasn’t initiating. He told me he really enjoyed my company but wasn’t sure he wanted anything more at the moment and that he hadn’t meant to lead me on and didn’t want me to think it was going to lead to anything after 3 months. I accepted this without drama and went no contact but we then saw each other on a night out shortly after, he saw me talking and dancing with another guy. The next day he began texting me again asking about the guy.

    We have a real connection and a very flirty texting relationship. We rarely go more than a few days without texting which quite often gets a little naughty! After another few weeks I then asked him why he was still contacting me and if he wanted to go out again, to which he again told me he would do something as friends as he really enjoys my company and that he doesn’t normally stay in contact like this with people he’s not dating anymore. I told him friends was fine but that the flirting needed to stop, I also asked him why he hadn’t stayed over when I gave him the opportunity and he said he hadn’t wanted to use me for one thing.

    The flirting didn’t stop, roll on a few more weeks and he’s suggesting we ‘catch up’ (he knew I’d had two dates with the guy from the bar), I had to nail down firm plans and the date ended with him kissing me on the cheek. He then initiated another date a couple of weeks later during which he was talking about “next time” etc (major progress I thought). The night ended with me initiating a proper kiss which he didn’t pull back from but when were texting later that night he said I had been a little over enthusiastic. He definitely pulled back from me at that point, I just let him be and he soon got back in touch. We have had two further dates both of which I’ve initiated, the final one being a couple of months ago now, he again tried to leave at the end of the night by kissing my cheek…I asked him to “come here” i.e. for a proper kiss and he just said “I can’t”. Then another pull back.

    Since then, I’ve read your book etc and I’ve been trying to follow your advice and lean back, mirror, date around, attract him with honey and stop asking what is going on etc. The guy just doesn’t leave me alone, I went a week without texting him and then he says I’ve been very quiet recently, asked him if I’m bored of him and that he misses talking to me. He keeps dropping hints that he’d like to spend time with me but I told him a week ago in a playful/cheeky way that if he wants to see me he needs to initiate plans and so far he hasn’t! I know he wants me to initiate and that he will say yes if I ask him to do something but I want him to invest in this and to start pursuing me! I’m just not sure anything is going to happen other than being flirty texting buddies.

    A bit of background, he was in a LTR relationship in which he lived with his girlfriend but that broke down over 2.5 years ago. He is also studying for an accountancy qualification at the moment. He also never really compliments me, the most he has said is that I am sweet and my dress was nice. I’m really not sure what he wants from me. I’ve wondered if he’s not physically attracted to me (although I get plenty of attention from other men), if he just wants me to boost his ego/entertain him or if he’s gay. I am really very attached to this guy, the problem is I’m approaching 31 and really wanting a relationship and a family in the near future. I’m trying not to close myself off to other possibilities. This has been going on for almost 9 months now….and I just don’t now what to do?

    Thanks

  • Hello,

    I’m sorry for sending this message to you but I have none to ask for advice to. I’m not sure if you’ll have time and energy to read this or give me your advice but I’m writing to you in desperate need of help when it comes to my love and self-love life. I’ve been checking you’re website for a month now and it helped me so so much so far. I’m planning to buy your book end of September (had to pay collage fees and I’m extremely broke now) but I do want to ask you for help and advice and if it’s possible to let me join your close group as I feel like I’m loosing and drifting away with fist man I ever loved so much who happened to be emotionally unavailable. (which I’m most likely too)
    I’ve been seeing this guy for a year now he refer to me as his best friend for life and as we agreed we are exclusive but not in the relationship since first day we got involved with each other we started as friends but after a year he still won’t talk about me as his girlfriend even tho he doesn’t see or date anyone else. It was all good for me when I first met him as I wasn’t ready for anything serious, that time I got out from really really abusive relationship and 8months before my horrid brake up with my ex I was raped by someone which made me remember my childhood when I experience 2 years of sexual abuse and gang rapes. It was really difficult time for me so all what I wanted to do was going for therapy and pretty much focus on getting better and happier in life. But since I met “new guy” we went through so much together over last year and we got to know each other so much that I did fall for him. I thought he cared about me as well but I lend him my laptop and when he gave it back to me I found a really sweet note from other girl to him that she miss him and it does look and and sound like it’s his another girls he’s not telling me about. I cried all day I went through quite a lot in life as 22 years girl but this really do hurt me more then anything else. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he’s using me and string me along or he got bored. I don’t know if I should ask him about it or ignore it. But If I ignore it I will never stop wondering and I’ll stop trusting him. I do want this to work out. I never felt so save and happy with,anyone else before and he’s the only guy I trust so much when it comes to being physical with. I truly don’t know what to do I feel like I’ve grown as a person so much in last 2 years but I still have problems to get in to healthy relationships… I feel like I’m broken and have some bad karma or something…. If you could give me any advice or your opinion I would be extremely grateful.

  • Hi Katarina,
    Here is my problem in a nutshell…

    Basically, everything went sour in our 7 year marriage (10 year relationship) when we moved from manhattan to Long Island….between buying a second restaurant, buying a new house that was under construction, me about to give birth to our second child….it was a lot for both Sam and me. Sam’s ego inflated when he was getting all this recognition for opening a big sports bár in town. He drove around in his Mercedes, getting attention left and right, hiring young pretty girls and feeling like he ruled the world. The reality was his partners and him were pumping more money than they expected to into the bar and we were struggling to pay our mortgage with a new born and 2 year old at home. He spent less and less time at home and the longer I allowed it, the more it continued. Late nights, disrespect, inconsideration and even a
    case of infidelity (he claims it was just a kiss)….I could give you a 1000 examples of mistreatments, name calling, and inconsistencies between promises and actions. I was in such a weak state that while i fought back, i forgave and therefore accepted it…..and he capitalized on that. People really do act how you let them. I’m mad at myself for not being stronger but my life was turned upside down over the
    course of a torturous year. He would apologize and I would believe he was remorseful but then we would have a major setback and start the brutal process all over. He would stay out late, be unavailable, I would get upset, he would leave to stay at friends house to avoid conflict.

    His single brother is in town and he made it clear he would be out with him while he was here….so in other words our marriage will need to be on back burner for now. (It never had to be a choice) That was final straw….on Friday I told him to leave… I’ve been receiving apology texts but no actions to follow up. I guess I’m tired of getting the breadcrumbs.

    I do believe he loves me and wants to be with the children and me. perhaps we are a constant reminder of reality that he doesn’t want to face. I can’t let that be my problem anymore. However, it’s devastating. I’m scared of being a single mom and I’m humiliated of myself. I know I need to respect myself and love myself. It’s just exhausting trying to find the strength and patience.

    Help!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *