Why The Alpha Female Finds It Hard To Have Lasting And Peaceful Relationships

alpha female

If you are an alpha female with beta traits, your relationship with your alpha partner will sooner or later run its course thanks to lack of polarity that will be exacerbated over time.  If you keep facing the same issues from one relationship to the next, it’s time to change yourself or… settle with a beta male who matches your energy better.  Not every woman is cut out to be with an alpha male.  Some of them will be much happier with a beta male if changing proves to be difficult for them.

Chrissy whom I wrote about a couple of blog posts ago updated me with this:  “Katarina, what would I ever have done without you! My relationship with C is probably the easiest, most relaxed, no-conflict one I’ve ever been in. I just go day by day, keeping feminine and open and he responds every day with making changes to keep me happy all on his own. I don’t have to say a thing when I’m upset, I don’t nag. I never realized being with someone could be this easy and that I could feel so loved and wanted without begging to get it. Thank you.

About 3 months ago I was nagging him to change his status on FB. Why? Such a stupid thing to want. Who cares? So the last month or so I realized it doesn’t matter what’s on FB. I know what we have and I trust him to know what we have. Well this week, guess who changed his status on FB. Once I didn’t care anymore and removed the expectation, it happened. Plus, why waste time being upset about something that’s really just nonsense.

I think that’s the biggest change. I’m not using him to fill up any void I might have. I’m figuring out how to fill any lack on my own. That’s not his role. I’ve never had that kind of relationship before and I’m loving it. I don’t ever wanna go back to that.”

What’s been happening to Chrissy is what has happened to me and my most successful clients: she turned herself from an alpha female with beta tendencies to become a beta female with alpha tendencies.

So here’s the detail.

I was recently interviewed by Alan Roger Curie from Mode One Blog Talk Radio Show.  Though it was cut short, it was a very illuminating interview.  You can listen to it here (warning: he’s not really vanilla in his style and choice of words so don’t get offended. 🙂 ).

Thanks to that interview I found his illuminating article titled: Why the relationship between “The Fonz” and “Pinky Tuscadero” failed to last on “Happy Days.”

And that article actually solidifies my thoughts on the alpha-beta spectrum and its applications in the context of a relationship success.

I have to say I really love the article.  It succinctly articulates what I’ve been teaching in a structured and easy-to-understand way.

Like Chrissy and most modern, educated, fiercely independent women, I’d definitely been an alpha woman with beta traits all my life – I was driven and assertive yet I wanted romance and a romantic partner- and only the past few years I began my transformation to become a beta woman with alpha traits.  I have always been saying that women can be all alpha in their career but they need to tone it down when they get home to their man.  Too much alpha in relationship isn’t good for a woman if she aims to be with an alpha/masculine man.  And that’s why my relationships hadn’t been successful till now (so far so darn good!).

What’s particularly spot on is this I quoted from the article:

“This category can be tricky and frustrating for many women, based on my experience and observation. Women who are perceived in this category sometimes find themselves between a rock and a hard place. Why? Most women who possess more Alpha traits than Beta traits tend to have a preference for men who are more Alpha than themselves; The problem is most of the Alpha Male types do not want to date women in this category. Casual sex? Cool. Long-term relationship? Not really interested.

Women in this category tend to have more success attracting Beta males, but deep-down, women in this category do not want to date men who are more Beta than Alpha. Many women who I have met between the ages of roughly 36 and 49 who are still single tend to fall in this category. Women who are Alpha Females with Beta Tendencies tend to only want to submit to a man who is very, very Alpha.  If you couple them with a Beta Male, they are going to end up “wearing the pants” in the relationship, and more often than not, they would prefer not to.

Women in this category sometimes end up putting on a very ultra-feminine, ultra-submissive facade when they first meet men who they are interested in romantically, but later on, their more Alpha side will reveal itself. If you are a man, these are the women who will constantly test you.  Women in this category will test you because these women want to identify if you have more Alpha traits than Beta, or vice versa.  Sometimes, these women end up in domestic violence situations when matched with a Total Alpha Male type.

If an Alpha Female with Beta Tendencies is lucky enough to snag an Alpha Male with Beta Tendencies, two things will more-than-likely happen:  1)  On the positive end, the sexual chemistry will be great.  Erotic sparks will fly all over the place;  2)  Outside of the bedroom, your relationship is going to be full of arguments and disagreements.  Constant bickering will be the norm.  Why?  Both Alpha types have egos and want control of the relationship.”

Yup, I started beta with my ex and that’s why he fell for me.  I didn’t necessarily act beta but my beta side came out more thanks to his total alpha energy which was very domineering and intimidating to me.  I couldn’t be any other way but assuming the submissive role.  However, as our relationship progressed and we got married, my alpha side (my true colors) began to surface more and more, especially when I was the bread winner.

Compounded with my own other issues and my own emotional unavailability, my alpha side collided more and more with his alpha side and created a wedge between us that overtime we drifted more and more apart and the more I felt disconnected from him the more I was lost in my own little world.

And I have thousands of women come to me and most of them are alpha female with beta tendencies.  And they are reporting the same power struggle every woman like my former self experiences in relationship with a masculine man.  Their relationships are always rocky and difficult.

And aren’t you just one of them yourself?

These relationships these women are in will sooner or later run their course thanks to lack of polarity that will be exacerbated over time when both parties become more comfortable in the relationship.

The actress Halle Berry comes to mind.  She is rumored to be going through her third divorce with hubby Olivier Martinez at the moment, not to mention the dramatic ending of her relationship to her baby’s daddy just before this one.  The common denominator in all these relationships is her.  She’s the typical alpha female (perhaps with some beta traits at least) who will sooner than later find it hard to be with a man….any man but the beta type.

If you keep facing the same issues from one relationship to the next, it’s time to change yourself or… settle with a beta male who matches your energy better.  Not every woman is cut out to be with an alpha male.  Some of them will be much happier with a beta male if changing proves to be difficult for them.

I’m here to help you transform yourself to become a beta female with alpha traits, which is the optimum state of being for a woman (here are the 7 traits of a high-value woman).  I have noticed that it’s hard for most of us to change color from a goal-driven alpha woman to a beta woman when we are with our partner so the only enduring solution will be to transform ourselves to become more beta while still possessing positive alpha traits when needed so we can still properly function in the workplace.

That is what softening of boundaries is all about in this context.  You become a person with more (positive) beta traits as summarized in the article.  And beta female with alpha traits are the most desirable of all women and they are in high demand for relationship (that’s the reason why my method works fast).  Both total alpha male and alpha male with beta tendencies seek to have a relationship with them.

To learn more about how to captivate an alpha man’s heart, here’s the new program that is discussed in the interview with Alan Roger Curie: Four Components Of Melting His Heart (that is responsible in getting Chrissy engaged to her boyfriend of 6 months!)

More: How To Make An Alpha Male Hotly Desires You With The Law Of Polarity

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.  You can also be irresistible like my client Kirstie and get him to step up and marry you after a breakup by attending my Journey Inward group coaching in which she will guest star and share her story of transformation from an alpha female with beta traits to become a beta female with alpha traits.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Image credit Deposit Photo!


  • There are alpha females with alpha traits.

  • Hi Katarina,
    I have been reading all of the testimonies and comments about your book.

    While I must say, I am very interested, I don’t know that there is any hope for my case.

    I abstained without any relationship or sex, for that matter. For 6 years.

    I went out with a man 6 years ago, and just as soon as I got close, he married the stupid woman he had been in an unhealthy relationship with.

    It didn’t last. After 6 weeks they had it anulled.

    For me, it took another 6 years to even let him know I still had any feelings for him.

    We sent constant messages to each other back and forth for the next 2 days.

    I was very up front, direct, no holds barred about what I wanted.
    He agreed with everything I had asked, or that I had claimed.

    We had an almost amazing month. he was sending me good morning texts every morning. Once he sent me a text at 2am… I assume to let me know he was just thinking of me.

    The point is, I pushed him away. By asking if we could go OUT… he never responded.

    The next 24 hours I saw he was having beer with friends at a local brewery. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. I immediately sent him a message to let him know just how stupid I felt by him totally ignoring me.

    I sent him a long lengthy letter, for my own closure, because he refused to give me any. I waited 2 weeks, and then sent an apology, for the part i played in it, and for putting the blame mostly on him.

    He has not once texted, called, signaled, or hinted anything as far as a mere i know you exist in my hemisphere, not even once. I have completely burned my bridges here.

    At this point I will not, and must not, call, write, text, email or message to him in any way.

    Is this a hopeless case scenario?

    I would sincerely appreciate any sort of encouragement or advice you could possibly give to me. As I have been crying myself to sleep, feeling hopeless and depressed.

    Thank You,

    • jane, many women in my inner circle have their guys bounce back all the time. So yeah my book will definitely help. You just need to cultivate your feminine energy and my book is a good start to this new way of being. Good luck.

  • Hi Katarina,

    I have read your book “hard to get” and routinely read your blog. It has really helped me grow as a person and begin to understand men in a different way than I had previously. I am currently in a breakup and am looking for your advice.

    About a year ago I met my ex while i was living in a different city than him. we began talking over the course of about 5 months or so. i believe that we bonded over going through similar hardships in life and since we are both guarded it was a “safe” situation that allowed him to feel comfortable with me. He initially expressed that he did not date often, and had a hard time connecting with girls. we did not define the relationship while we were long distance and it progressed naturally. later on i got the opportunity to move to LA through work and had already been looking to move prior to meeting him. so i moved and now we have been living in the same city for 6 months. i was very careful not to push him or be clingy, and am very capable of going out and doing my own thing, which i have been doing. for the first couple months we had issues due to me trusting him. he is not very verbal and his lack of verbal affection as well as lack of ever expressing to me how he feels about mee made me very vulnerable and feel insecure about trusting him. so we went through a period of having fights about my trust issues. but i have been working on myself and those issues and have made a point to blindly put my trust in him regardless of weather i get reinforcement. he is extremely gaurded and maintains a level of distance at all times. we have discussed this and he acknowledges that he keeps a guard in order to create a safe situation for himself. when we have a disagreement he completely shuts down. is unable to express himself. and is very emotionally shut off and immature. because of this i end up fixing the situation by sending a non threatening note or email to resolve the issue or apologize for something even when i dont feel i am in the wrong. he never responds to my notes, but lets me know he is still in this by showing up or disregarding the event and actig normal again. he very often victimizes himself in life and places blame on others for any situation he is in. i do think that he struggles with a lot of anger and emotional baggage from his childhood that is preventing him from being able to have a deeper connection or really let me in. i constantly feel like i am walking on egg shells. and if i am not appeasing him then he gets frustrated or annoyed when i offer input on how to look at the situation he is struggling with differently. many times our discussions revolve around him venting about his work, financial, or home life and he takes very little interest in engaging with my day to day or things that may be bothering me. The other night we were out and his anger was hitting a tipping point. i felt that anything i said or words of encouragement only resulted in more anger. the next morning i asked if he would be available to sit and talk that day bc i wanted to listen and understand his side of things if there was something i was doing to upset him however he declined. at that moment i knew i had to walk away. i feel we have been through this before and i give him space and time to come to me, but then he refuses to really address the issue at hand and talk with me, and we just move on. this time i knew i had to walk away, and that if there is any future for us, it was necessary to put a stop to this cycle. i sent him a note explaining that i was sorry we could not connect to understand each other, and stated why it was difficult for me to develop trust with him and apologized for my faults, and also said that i need to be with someone who is open and willing to meet me halfway in a relationship. and he has not responded. nor do i expect him to. and it kills me that after all we’ve been through i have to walk away without getting so much as a response. i know he feels that i dont trust him and he gets very angry about that. however, i struggle with that fact bc i dont receive any verbal compassion or reassurance, and rather am just expected to blindly trust a man who still has not said i love you to me and constantly keeps me at arms length. i want nothing more than for him to see that by keeping such thick walls around himself he is losing good things in his life, including me. i love him, and i wish he could meet me half way in working through issues, being able to respond to me in these situations so that we can understand each other better and be the man i know he can be. but i am lost as to how to inspire that change. I would love your advice.

  • I became acquainted with Rori’ Raye’s work as two months ago I broke it off with my boyfriend (he’s 34 as well as myself) who, when I shared I was falling in love with him, he said he ‘wasn’t feeling it’ and didn’t know if ‘this was it’ (however his ACTIONS were showing a completely different thing for the bulk of our relationship). I have done A LOT of personal work (therapy and courses at Landmark Education) and have made huge strides- I consider myself confident, ‘high value’ and emotionally stable but my love life keeps disappointing. It is the same story: a guy is really into me in the beginning but starts to fade on the effort at some point and when I call him out on it, he won’t commit long term and bails. The man I was with recently for six months seemed to be a perfect match- we took it slowly, have a lot in common. He definitely was very excited about me, pursuing me and it felt easy- we never fought and had a lot of fun. I sensed his desire and admiration for me-he’d even get anxious if I didn’t text him back after a long time. Four months in I found out he had a match.com profile still up – even though he wasn’t paying for it or actively engaging in it. I have clear boundaries and told him that it didn’t work for me to have that up for the world to see and I wanted someone who was ‘all in’. We had a long talk about that and although he took it down, he shared that he was ‘having doubts’ and it was never the same after that between us- I know my own walls went up. He would still call/text every day but we saw each other less and I’d have to request that he come down to see me (45 min distance) otherwise it was me driving up to his place once a week!! I’d see spurts of his effort to put romance in but I felt I was ‘rowing the boat’. Two months ago I brought this to his attention and said I wanted someone who thought I was the cat’s meow and was excited to see me and he shared he wasn’t feeling motivated to come down to see me even though he enjoyed my company when I was there. I told him that I was leaving so he could figure it out. Of course that is when he started to get affectionate and come closer asking me not to leave. I did go and gave him a week to think about it and when we talked again he then said ‘i’m just not feeling it and you deserve to have someone who does’ (complete flip again from before!) So I have set boundaries and perhaps this guy just isn’t showing up. We had one more conversation a month later in person (my request) to get more closure and he just seems lost. I have completely backed off since. He wrote me an email a couple weeks ago saying he thought of me and ‘remembered fondly the times we spent’. But he hasn’t taken any other action to see me or be friends (which was his request). Do I see a possible future with this man? Yes. But I want the person who was showing up for the first four months and someone who adores me though. In the past few weeks I’ve been hard core just focusing on myself- meditating, working on my business, spending time with my friends and going on trips and have not contacted him outside of my response to his email (which was open and light). I am impressed with what you have to say on your site and it seems you’ve had a lot of experience with situations that appear similar to mine. I’d love to inspire him to come rushing back full force shouting ‘you are IT!’ and STEP UP but right now he isn’t doing anything. 🙁

    • Dorothy, it’s a case of you being too alpha, domineering and hardened boundaries. Cultivate your feminine energy and everything will fall into place. That’s what my programs are for.

  • Hi Katarina

    Thank you for all your insight, I’ve read a lot of dating coache’s sites but none compare to you. A bit about me; Im a 31yr single mom from South Africa. I share my house with my mom. My son is 5yrs old.

    My short story (I hope):
    I good friend of mine introduced me to her cousin brother, who was recently separeted but was now in the process of finalising his divorce. He now only stays with his teen daughter & is visited by his 4yr old son every weekend. He’s well off, so he provides for his kids & the soon-to-be ex wife.

    When we met a month ago, it was good (obviously) & he communicated very well. We went on 1 date & on the 2nd we were intimate. After that day, he stopped contact & 4days later, I called him. He sounded excited to hear from me. Therafter, he initiated all contact until last Sat. He was eager for me to come over his place, I was happy to do so, but couldn’t cause I was busy. During that chat (whatsapp), I mentioned to him that I percieve us to be ‘getting to know each other & taking things slow’. He responded by saying he doesn’t know what I’m talking about & if its something we had agreed upon. I disengaged from that chat & told him I’m going to sleep. Sunday, he invited me again, again I was quite busy. End of chats for the whole day. Monday, I sent him a morning text, he responded quickly letting me know where he was. I said ok. End of chats. Yesterday, I called him in the evening, he didn’t pick up. But immediately texted after 5mins to say he was driving. We chatted a bit until I went to bed. I called him again from bed, he didn’t pick up. But immediately texted me back, said he was on Skype with a family member & I should call back in 10mins cause he misses my voice. I didn’t call back. He texted me & asked me to call back. I didn’t call back. Today, I texted him & told him (jokingly) that the ‘call’ voucher had expired 5seconds after I initiated the call. He just texted ‘Morning’. End of chats. I do feel that he’s backing off slightly & I’m not sure if it’s something I said or did.

    2 Things:
    – How can I turn this around
    – Please guide me on how I can purchase your book?

    • hi Pink, thank you. 🙂 First, don’t call him please. Let him call you. There is never any need for a woman to call a guy in the beginning unless it’s an emergency or keeping things posted during a date. Other than that most guys don’t appreciate getting calls from a woman they date till they are truly in.

      Second, do not bring up the talk. It’s his job to do so. Get my book here.

      Lean back, if he steps up he likes you. If not, you can more easily let go.

  • I just heard about “The Man Whisperer”. My situation is confusing and I would like to explain it to you. Two weeks ago a man contacted my through an online dating service that we both subscribed to. We met and had coffee. He asked me out the next day and we went and had lunch together then went to a walk. He was a complete gentleman. He called me every day after that and proceeded to tell me how he’s looking for someone to be with. He was quite a sweet talker, when I asked him why he is sweet talking to someone he just met he says “thats how you treat a lady”. I believed him – my mistake. He had surgery and I went to see him a couple of more times after this. Then he invited me out for lunch 1 more time. He seemed distant. I asked him what the problem was – he said he was ok. The next day he invited me over again but I was unavailable to go. The day after he didn’t call me and the following day he procedded to tell e that he has been thinking long and hard about us and a long term relationship isnt what he is ready for deep down.

    My issue is that we never discussed a long term relationhip at all. We only went out twice how could this happen?? He says we could be friends but he needs some time right now?? What should I do?

    Your thoughts are greatly appreciated,

  • Hi Katarina!

    As you said in the email, I should post it here so here it goes..

    I’ve been kinda dating this guy for months and he’s just amazing. It’s like all the things I’d really like (or maybe most women) in a guy is in him. But since last month, he sort of felt distant from me. I mean, he still makes time for me – like, to talk to me but not like before anymore. He also doesn’t wait for me everyday after class (we’re both in college) unlike before. Because before, he was REALLY clingy. As in, he texts and calls me always and every free time I have, he tries to find ways to spend time with me. Last night, I was rushed to the clinic because of asthma attack and chest pains. Of course he hurriedly went to me and bought me food and was his humorous, protective, self when he came. But it saddened me that he was also the one who went home first among his 2 bestfriends while the 2 stayed and kept me company. When I got home that night, he texted me how was I feeling and all. We texted for some short time and then he didn’t reply anymore. I was getting tired myself so I texted him again saying that I just found out he was the one who bought the food (because they wouldn’t tell me who bought it earlier) and that I’ll pay him and said my good night. I was kinda expecting a reply (which he always does but not that often anymore) but none came.

    I’ve read some articles online about at how this might just be the “comfortable and happy stage” wherein the guy doesn’t have to remind me “every single time that he’s there” so he’s not that clingy anymore. But I can’t help but feel that what if he’s getting tired if me..

    For a little background about me, I’ve dated 2 guys before and it seemed like their reasons for not staying that long is that they got tired. But even my friends and “big sisters and brothers” don’t know why because they knew I wasn’t even the super clingy type of girl, or nagger, or too aggressive. So my guy friends (I actually have a lot of them) keep telling me that they don’t get it cuz it’s like I’m a great girl “any guy could ask for” and to just move on because I’ll find someone better and also joked that I don’t run out of suitors anyway.

    But this guy, I really like him (I know he does too, as said by his best friends) but I’m just really scared if what if he’s also getting tired and I’ll get hurt again. So what I’m doing now is leaning back (which I’ve always done with guys by never initiating the first move, but I’m not sure if I’m doing it correctly, though) and repress my feelings towards him but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. Please help 🙁

    • Katarina Phang

      He’s probably just needing space. You can’t expect any guy to be hot all the time. Let him be and stop trying nudge him. And if he’s not your bf, get busy getting dates lined up. Surely you have other guys that you can date, no?

  • Hi Katarina,

    As you know, I joined your private group and purchased your ebook. I read the book straight through. It is such great information and advice for me. I plan on reading it again as it has been soooo helpful to me already. So, if you don’t mind, allow me to tell you my currant situation. I would love to hear your insight, opinion(s) and perhaps recommendations on a future program.

    A little bit about me. As this post explains, I am a alpha female with beta traits. I am a successful business women who supports herself completely. (mortgage, auto, etc.) I am 40yrs. old. No children. Just a dog. (He is like a child to me.) My marriage of 7yrs. ended 2.5yrs. ago. I was devastated to say the least. This is not at all what I thought my life would look like. So, I have been on a healing journey for years. Because, like most marriages, it was over a couple of years before the papers were final. So I say it been approx. 5yrs. I am the type of person who desperately wants to get better, not bitter. Therefore, I have read several book, listen to post cast and I still see my counselor. Investing in myself by getting in shape and having hobbies. All has been helpful. I am proud to say, I have come a long ways. I admit, after reading your book, I see I have a way to go. I made a decision that if I was going to do this over again. I was going to find out why it didn’t work and what my part was in it. I continue to see and learn why it failed. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I see that happen all the time. New relationship, same situation, only the names have changed. Been there, done that. That said, I know what I want in a man. I know what I have to offer. Yes, I have a list of must be and deal breakers. “He” fit the must be list.

    A little bit about him. The EX-BF. He is 46yrs old. He has a daughter and a step daughter. Both are over 18. He was married for 14 yrs. and has been divorced for 4yrs. He has recently retired from the military. (4yrs. enlisted Navy, 4yrs.reserves, 14yrs Coast Guard reserves. 22yrs total.) He has his own business and it takes him out of town a lot. He stated to me when we first met, “I am married to my business.” Perhaps I should of walked away then. As you will see, that is the biggest problem. But at the time, I was some what relieved to hear that. Why? Because I too am very busy with my business. So I thought we would better understand each other in that regard.

    We met last fall (Oct.). He waited for awhile to work up the nerve to ask me out. I didn’t see it coming. I hadn’t even thought of him as a potential date at that time. Probably because I had my hopes up about someone else. But since that wasn’t going anywhere, I agreed to dinner and a movie. So based on our busy schedules, we didn’t go out until after Thanksgiving. He was definitely pursuing me. He even rented a car for our first date. Said his truck wasn’t clean enough to take me out in. Nice. After the second or third date, he sent me flowers. He was always a perfect gentleman on dates. Things were good and we dated casually. Yes, we waited awhile before becoming intimate. He met my family at Christmas. In January, he invited me on a business trip to Las Vegas. I politely declined at first. But he offered to pay my share with no string attached. After much thought I decided to go. This was a way for us to spend some quality time together at length since we had a hard time getting together often enough to really get to know each other. I can’t say for sure when he “claimed me”. We never had an actual conversation about it. I just remember hearing him refer to me as his GF before the Vegas trip. He would also refer to himself as my BF. I was fine with it at that point.

    We had a absolute great time. After that, it started going down hill.

    I won’t bore you with all the scenarios. But I see now how I did everything wrong. My alpha women came out. I’m not the only one to blame. He stopped being a man of his word. (Top “must be” on my list.) It was always because of work. Partially because his work load tripled suddenly. (Long story). Which in his defense, he told me straight up in the beginning, “work comes first”. We hardly ever saw each other. Once every 2 weeks I’d say and it was brief. It was like being on the first date all over again. Making things awkward. I now know, I leaned in when I should of leaned back. Things unraveled slowly. We just weren’t getting along great and the relationship was going nowhere. We had the breakup conversation the first week of April. It was very civil and kind on both our parts. He said he just didn’t have to time to devote to me right now and it wasn’t fair to me. He was in the process of trying to hire more people so it would give him more time in the future to have a life. He also said he enjoyed my company and would still like to do things with me when he is in town. I agreed. I also told him, “if you find yourself in a position where you are able to cultivate a relationship, I hope that you will let me know”. He reiterated that he still wanted to do stuff with me when he was in town. I said I would like that too.

    He calls and texts from time to time. But he has never asked me out since then. I didn’t realize at the time that the “do stuff with you” meant I had just been demoted to a booty call. When that happened, I knew what I was getting into. I wrapped my head around the idea of casual sex with no expectations. We are two consenting adults with needs. Well what happened blew me away. He made love to me like I have never had in my life. He said “I love you” so many times I lost count. Yes, he was drunk. We never spoke about the ILY’s. Just how great and amazing it was for both of us. He has booty text me a few other times, but I was busy. We have “hooked up” one other time. Both sober, no ILY’s. Still great sex. I hear from him less and less as time goes on.

    I apologize for this email being so lengthy, but I am finally to the question(s) part. Is he what you consider a EUM? Now that I have learned so much from your book, I wish I could start all over and do it differently. Is it to late? It has really shocked me how much I miss him. I really didn’t think I was that emotionally invested. Although I do see a few red flags, I thought he would step up for me. I guess I was kidding myself. I think about him constantly. I am crazy attracted to him. I have a lot of respect for him. Is having casual sex with him only making him lose respect for me? I have leaned back already since the breakup. Having no expectation’s of him. I haven’t pressured him in any way. No “whats up” questions. I have texted from time to time. It’s been 50/50. I will let him be the instigator of a conversation from now on. Its been 2 weeks since I last heard from him. I’ve started working on my feminine magnetism. It really does make a difference in how I feel.

    I want to thank you for taking the time to read my email. Any input would be greatly appreciated. You have helped me so much already. I thank you again.


    A Hot Mess

    • Katarina Phang

      Hotmess, yes you can still reverse it! But you have to love yourself more than him. You gotta focus on other guys for now. Get a few just like him in your rotation and you practice to be uber feminine with them. Men don’t’ view this FWB thing like us. They could care less about labels. If they like you they’ll come back for more. Relationship is what happens day by day to them. They don’t think, talk or label it …they just live it. They refuse the labels mainly cause of the expectations and women are hard to make happy.

      Keep up the good work.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *