Why do Men Disappear then Reappear Again

why do men disappear

Many women that reach out to me for help deeply ponder why do men disappear, often without a word.  They look for reasons and justifications for why he disappears then reappears again.  There really are no justifications for this behavior.  You see a man does exactly what it is he wants to do.

Hannah, 28, has been in limbo for 1.5 years now.  She’s hung up on her ex-fiancé whom she broke up with when she was 22.  She can’t let go and he keeps pulling the Houdini disappearing act every few weeks: disappearing and reappearing with no clear indication if he wants in or out even though he said over and over he didn’t want to go back to her and she’s getting desperate every time.  He has her on a leash and emotionally she finds it impossible to move on because she has always “what if” in the back of her mind.

She was in my Journey Inward and Leaning Back Workshop but her attachment to him is immense and unbreakable, still.  She shared this in the group recently:

Update: Ex-fiancé invited me over for a beer last night.  I went over and it went amazingly well.  It was the best time I ever had with him, and we were having so much fun laughing and joking, etc etc. I should’ve left on a good note

He ended up kissing me trying to take my clothes off -I was like “I’m not interested in casual sex and neither of us are ready for a relationship.”  Anyway, he got really upset and accused me of being “weird” because I didn’t want to have sex with him.  I was like “Do you not remember what happened the last few times we had sex? You kicked me out five minutes later -one time you wouldn’t even kiss me goodbye.  You treated me like a whore.”

He acted like he didn’t understand what I was talking about . I said, “You disappear after sex for months.  I am having fun with you and it breaks my heart every time. I don’t want that to happen again.  I’m not trying to obligate you to anything but I can’t do this to myself, I have feelings for you. If we’re going to have sex I would want to see you more regularly, not every few months.”

Then he’s like “Well, why didn’t you tell me that earlier?  Now’s the not the time to tell me this.”

I’m like “What? You never pick up the phone when I call.  You barely make time to see me, when was I suppose to tell you this?”  Then he accuses me of being controlling because I’m trying to control the flow of when we have sex etc etc.

Honestly I was crushed after what happened the last few times as everything is on his terms.  He doesn’t care when I want to see him or whats good for me.  It’s all at his convenience.  Then he says he doesn’t want to hang out again, we could’ve had a good thing going but I ruined it by being controlling because that’s what I do.

I was like well thanks for pointing that out  -I was unaware- and he was shocked and just wanted me to leave and I was like “Ya, just throw me out like trash cuz that’s what you do.  All you do is focus on my flaws so you don’t have to let me in, so it validates reasons for you to keep shutting me out of your heart. Thats what you do. Then he’s like “Well, ya I guess that’s what I do.”

Anyway, I left and I feel like shit- and I feel even worse because of his claim that it was going so well and we had such a fun time together maybe we could’ve seen where it went IF I had been comfortable enough to have sex with him… I can’t wrap my brain around it- is this true? Did I blow my big CHANCE with him?

After how bad the sex went last few times and how shitty he treated me I don’t think anyone would’ve jumped into bed with him, not until they knew he had changed a little.  And what do I do now? I still have feelings for him and am even worse of now because I had a great time until the end – at which point he acted like he had an amazing time too but I ruined it and ruined any chances of anything happening between us because I didn’t open my legs?

I understand that we ladies have to be open about sex and I have tried that the last few times without expectations and just got dissed by him. I was not trying to manipulate the situation I was having a great time and not ready to take it to that level as every other time it went sour. I’m like damned if I do damned if I don’t with him: when I didn’t have sex he stopped talking to me and when I did have sex he stopped talking to me… but he always comes back. Why do men disappear after sex?

I really can’t go on like this.  I have done the make-up-your-mind thing to him before even told him I was done and he always comes back and manages to sit right in the middle on the fence in my life still not leaving or stepping up.  I don’t deserve this torment.

I believe it is not just sex but something more that keeps him stuck, but at the same time by not walking away and allowing him to stay in the middle, he is not being forced to really confront his feelings.  

I have disappeared the last few weeks or months and that made him come around contact me looking for me, but then this is what it’s resulted in.  Another friend on here suggests I do nothing…  I don’t know, what is your impression of what’s going on?  Is he yanking my chain regarding if only I had sex with him, we were having so much fun and could’ve seen where it went.  Does that even matter? 

Hillary asked me if I would’ve been ok with having sex with him yet AGAIN and it going nowhere- and honestly I would not be ok with that happening again (especially after a cervical cancer scare after the last time I had sex with him -and then getting a clean bill of health and negative STD report- why should I risk it again on someone who might not talk to me for a months afterwards?).

So I don’t know what to do -still hoping he will come around- is it best for em to move on and do nothing and if he does come around be upset with him for being like this? Should I message him saying to make up his mind like my other friend suggested? I don’t know, please share any thoughts or honest opinions.  I really need some perspective.  It sucks how such a fun time could turn so shitty because I didn’t fulfill his expectations. “We were having so much fun but now I know why its never gonna work because your weird and you can’t let things be natural and go with the flow…”

That’s one of the things Kat talks about but I wasn’t trying to be controlling.  I was protecting myself after the shit he did to me the last few times I had sex with him.  Is this the most unfair playing field or am I just nuts? To me it seems like everything is on his terms: my feelings should count I shouldn’t be dumped because I didn’t have sex with him.  Wouldn’t a normal person realize that they treated me like a whore and maybe that’s why I was cautious?  A normal empathetic person would.”

In the past I have been quite firm with Hannah that her one-down over eagerness is her greatest enemy.  She has learned to curb her compulsion by not initiating contacts and even taking her time to respond to him as well as saying “no” to his last minute booty call invite.  However, it’s still obvious that he is still the one-up in this soul-sucking non-relationship.

She blames him for his treatment of her and wonders why does he disappear.  A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

Her last questions in the last paragraph show her lack of understanding of her contribution to the ongoing dynamic that has put her in the most degrading position since she allows him to disappear then  reappeared in her life.  Until she grasps her part in this whole pathetic saga, she will always be wondering why do men disappear then reappear in her life.  She hasn’t hit rock bottom enough to want to change.

MORE: The Ultimate Answer to Men’s Appearing And Disappearing…Be High Value And Easy To Lose!

And some people need just that.

Until she cultivates self-esteem and self-love that allow her the self-mastery to turn herself off, she will be forever a victim to her compulsion…and his manipulative game.

Until she quits hanging her emotional well-being on the sheer chance of them getting back together, she will continue to put herself under the illusion that he’s the answer to her happiness. He will keep disappearing and she will keep blaming herself.

That, in a nutshell, is why she is so obsessed of him.  And that is her biggest downfall. She allows him to disappear and reappear again, over and over.  She keeps doing the same thing and hoping for different results.  It doesn’t work that way.

However, I have to at least commend her for saying no to sex this time around.  I am not the one who advocates using sex as a bargaining chip and everybody who knows me knows how open-minded I am when it comes to sex but in her case the sex hasn’t worked one bit for her.  It was lousy and half-hearted and he didn’t act half-decent at all after each session.  Worse than treating a hooker (at least a hooker gets paid), he would send her home right after that few minutes of lousy romping and leave her wondering why he disappears after sex.

I am all for well-connected -or at least enjoyable- sex that doesn’t leave you a bitter aftertaste.  She’s also a piner of the worst kind so this whole sex thing totally creates more entanglement that is unnecessary to her healing.  She doesn’t know how to handle it.

If she was more secure and less hung-up, I would encourage her to continue to respond to his initiation and get-together (if this is your situation, work with me…I have helped turn thousands upon thousands of relationships around with unheard of results in the industry, online or offline).

Hence, his using that “something could have grown organically” stuff that I often preach is pretty much a ballsy and disingenuous move on his part.

Why Do Men Disappear? Because You Allow It!

But he knows he can pull it off because she lets him toy with her. Many women that wonder why do men disappear and reappear are looking at the man for the answer.  The answer is in the mirror. It’s because you allow it.  You are a magnet for that kind disappearing and reappearing behavior.

I don’t intend to analyze why he does what he does.  Does he still love her or at least have feelings for her?  Maybe.  Potentially he does.  But I am interested in actions and so far his actions are far from desirable.

It seems to me he’s still hung up on the fact that she dumped him and now is seeking for “revenge” by toying with her heart.

What I’m interested in is of course to make her see that the “what if” scenario in her mind doesn’t serve her.  If a man really wants a woman, he will stop at nothing.  The only reason a man doesn’t do anything is because either he’s on the fence or he doesn’t want to.  He might very well be on the fence but nudging him or trying to fix things runs counter to everything I teach.  That won’t make a man want you more.  Millions of women have just done that and they are left exhausted and broken-hearted.

Right now the best thing she can do to herself and their future relationship should there be any chance for that is to lose his number and block him.

Yeah block the dude.  He’s nothing but a nuisance.  She will get more respect when she starts acting high-value, instead of being at his beck and call

Does it sound familiar to you?  Are you in this situation right at this moment?  Are you trapped in the same obsessive wishful thinking that doesn’t serve you and can’t get out? Tell me what you think on the comment section below.

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.


MORE: When He Pulls Away, Comes And Goes or Blows Hot and Cold, What To Do?

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.  You can also be irresistible like my client Arida and get him to step up and claim you by attending my Journey Inward group coaching and the ongoing brand new program Four Components Of Melting His Heart.

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  • Hello,
    I am married with kids and not willing to divorce because my husband is a bipolar who has been hospitalized and such a thing would be devastating to him. However, during his crises he had affairs with other women and I can’t forgive him for that. To me he is one more child who needs care, not a husband or boyfriend or man. There is another man in my life whom I like very much and he likes me too. We have some business contacts. There was no chance until now to have a talk about my situation, but every time I make a simple move towards him (e.g. calling him by mistake) he responds like he wants more. Everything in the way he looks at me, sometimes the way he speaks to me at the phone, shows that he is very into me physically, however he seems to hesitate to ask me out. He also seems to be kind of bohemian and he is an artist (I am an artist too and he says he likes my work). He is also a very handsome man with a lot of women craving after him (I too have a lot of men craving after me but I don’t like them, as I like him). Is there anything I could do to make him ask me out? I don’t want to do it myself. What I have in mind is to know him more and maybe, a fwb situation or… I don’t know and I can’t tell since I don’t know him well.

    • Well, he seems to have no qualm to care about himself first so you should do the same. Take care of you without an apology cause obviously he won’t by cheating on you.

  • Very great post. thank you!

  • In March, I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. He laid it on thick about loving me, missing me, let’s get married, let’s have children, etc. We saw each other twice in the 1st week of April. Then he disappeared for a week, and popped up on the weekend texting me “Why haven’t I heard from you, woman?” I laughed it off and asked how he was doing. Then he disappeared again for another week after I texted him on a Monday, and he hazed me that Saturday about not hearing from me even though it was him who didn’t contact me (I just leaned back after my one Monday text). So a month went by, and I hadn’t heard from him, so I’d deleted his number. I got a “hey stranger” from an unknown number, so I asked “Who is this?” He said, “You forgot who I am, or did you erase me?” I replied, “Whenever a man disappears on me for more than 2 weeks, he gets deleted. So whomever you are, I wish you well, but I’m interested in a man who doesn’t pull the disappearing act on me. I have no time for it, and so many of you do it, while calling me “babe,” that it’s just boring already. I’m sure there are plenty of girls who like this sort of player thing, but I’m not one of them. Cheers!” He replied, “This is Marc, and you need to stop acting like that with me, Lorna.” I said, “Hi Marc, nice to hear from you.” Now there is radio silence, but I don’t care. I’m so tired of men feeding me lines about marriage and children, and then they disappear. This is the 2nd guy in the past 3 months to do this, and I didn’t expect it from him. We had a good relationship when we were young except my parents didn’t want us together, and I got sent away to the Army.

  • In a LD relationship for almost two years. At the start, he said he was “going through a divorce”. We saw each other a couple of times, 2 of which included sex. He texted often, used sweet words and said I Love You frequently. He sent flowers on Valentines. I fell for him big time. Noticed the time in between his replies got longer as time went on. He would disappear, come back and never said why. We were talking on the phone but he stopped calling within 6 months. Previously I had brought up issues with him about disappearing from text conversations without a word. He became defensive. I gradually saw the distancing becoming greater.

    I was getting suspicious he was seeing other women. I posted some fake dating site ads, primarily sexual in nature. Sure enough he replies to all of them. In his replies, he would say he is still “married” and even describe his wife, her weight and that there was no sex anymore. He made up lies saying he had not had sex in over a year and to one woman he said he was living “common law”. He also offered to give these women massages when answering my ads. Naturally another suspicion arose that he is actually still married and not getting any divorce. I confronted him and asked if he is actually getting a divorce and he said yes but his wife won’t agree to a settlement. This sounds to be that there will never be a divorce. Whether they still live together I cannot say for sure.

    I confronted him about the ads and his lying. He had no explanations or apologies and just said “have a good life”. We split then and I came back a few times due to missing him. Saw one month he had posted a comment on a website stating he was doing no contact to try and get me back but it was not working. He wanted advice. Since the initial breakup,he has never initiated any contact. When I started texting he would reply right away, send long texts back and be very happy to hear from me.

    I have had enough of this and it has now about two months where I have not made any first contact. He has not initiated one single text during that time. I was angry and hurt that he did not even wish me a merry xmas.

    Reading some of articles on this site has provided me with some insight about what happened. I think he was keeping his options open and did not actually want a committed relationship. But he failed to tell me this as he had some feelings and our chemistry was amazing. In retrospect, his effort reflected that of someone who was only interested in a FWB situation. Although he told me he indeed did want a relationship, I failed to ask if he meant FWB or Long Term Commitment.

    I realize now it is totally over and he won’t be returning. I have learned many lessons from this experience. First do not date someone “going through a divorce” or “separated”, or get into a long distance situation. Look at a man’s actions (not words) to determine where you actually stand. After much heartbreak and suffering, I am taking time to heal.


  • Been dating a guy for 7 months, he recently disappeared again for a week and ignored my texts, this has happened twice. I saw it coming since his communication was fading out and he was taking longer to reply. The first time he disappeared he told me that he doesn’t like that I get annoyed when he takes too long to reply. What’s funny about that is that he flips out when I take too long to reply. When I was giving him the cold-shoulder and responding slowly, he started accusing me of ignoring him, he called me 6 times in a row, and told me that he doesn’t like when we spend too much time not talking to each other. But apparently I have to be OK when he does it to me, I just can’t do it to him.

    Anyway, he came back apologizing saying he’s been having phone issues (yeah, right). I was reluctant to reply but said a simple “OK.” Then he started asking me all these questions so I started to answer back and then guess what…he disappeared again 2 days ago and ignored my questions. So I said “So I guess this whole disappearing thing is going to be more frequent now, huh?” He didn’t respond. I just don’t understand this man at all! Like why keep contacting me? Why don’t you just leave me alone? He knows I have feelings for him. I’ve basically decided to start ignoring him completely. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but this just makes me feel stupid. I don’t want to be on a emotional roller coaster with this man any more.

  • This is almost EXACTLY my situation, although he doesn’t usually treat me that way after intimacy. But we have broken up now 25 times in 4 years. We are psychically connected too… to make matters worse… which means even when I’m not connecting to him and am leaning back, I can still FEEL HIM thinking about me, missing me, feeling sad, feeling horny. We are connected in a weird way which means we are never truly disconnected, even when he’s pulled another Houdini. This man has my heart and I have no idea how to get it back and regain control of my life.

  • My EUM seems to be doing this back and forth, but less and less. but every time things seem to be going well, I have old triggers that pop up like if I see him texting on his phone a lot or if I get there and he is acting weird and off instead of his usual affection, it makes me automatically go to other women, you’ve been with someone else, since we are not exclusive and the, it makes me blow up out of no where, and he is like where is all this coming from?? . how can I stop these so called temper tantrums, and learn to just be in the moment. I feel like im sabotaging anything good that could be. lately he has been sending me texts a lot saying that he loves me too much and talking about soul mates and all these different things. why do I keep having so many expectations from him that if he doesn’t act a certain way then I get disappointed, then when we fight about this he stays away for a week or so. I feel like he is coming closer to being committed but yet the trust isn’t there for me so it makes it so hard. and we have a child together so I cant just block him out, though I have leaned back tremendously with no texts, seeing him when I choose not at beckon call, etc and that is when of course he comes full force, but then when we get around each other he acts kinda weird or shy, not like the texts that he is sending…its hard for me to be believing him when I know he still is talking to other women yet telling me all these things. its making me lose my mind..help!

    • Yea ive been dating this guy for 2 months. 0-60 very intense
      We slept together 3 times and talked about exclusivity. He has a little boy. I have 2 daughters. We r both divorced and 40 yrs old.

      Heres the prob…. He doesnt communicate when there is a problem…he ghosts and Im left to figure it out . This involves repeated calls and texts from me trying to get to the bottom of it. He got over it twice -now today he txted that i am roo intense and he is more laid back and this wont work. We have strong feelings for each other talked about our kids getting together and doing things– he was all in!! Made it clear we r exclusive. i dk why hes being this immature when all i want is a conversation which i told him wud have prevented all this. Hes come back twice before. Says hes not playing games but this is crazy. He wished me well and said he hopes im not angry. Wtf i practically was in love with this guy. So….. I txted him my reasoning and said he has some reaponsibility here and my reaction wud not have been so hot if he simply talked to me and said hey we need to dial it down a bit. Hes now not responding and im freaking. I asked him to have an adult convo with me. Do u think he will? Idk i think hes done.

      • def DONT text him anymore, not a thing. let him come to you, he will…may be a week or longer but he will

        • Thx linz. U really think so? He seems to b able to just cut off coldly and all i want is a conversation. Avoiders make me nuts. Granted it wasnt that long of a relationship but the substance of it makes the time irrelevant. He hasnt answered me all day. No i dont think there is another woman. Yes i think he thinks im too intense for him but come on. U cant do this to a woman and expect not to have to explain. Hea leaving for tennessee in business tomoro til tues. Tues is his bday. We had plans. Now Im a mess. He has come back before but only after a lot of convincing on my part thru txt which is exhausting. He wont take my calls. Hes not mad he just dsnt want to be with me clearly. Ive been married for 17 yrs so this makes me soooo insecure. U really think he isnt done??? Thx for ur help!!

          • Yes! I’ve dealt with probably the worst of the worst when it comes to guys who withdrawal and go cold turkey. I’ve done the texting impulsively just to be ignored many times but as soon as I stop texting it changes the dynamic. They start wondering why is she not doing what she normally does, even if it takes awhile(my guy never lasted over a week) and my guy has cut things off, said nadty things out of anger said its over etc etc whenever I completely leave it alone he texts back. Now this means not answering back though unless he sends a positive message and answer back when you want to. And be nice but simple. He will wonder about the shift in your energy and be intrigued and come in more. But lean back big time. Don’t text unless he does. I know its hard I have my moments just like how I wrote my posts. But I’ve learned a lot and its worked with my guy a lot.

          • Very wise advice thanks again!
            Ive had a couple of them ghost and never come back. I never contacted those but ive also never heard back and thats why im nervous this one is going to never speak to me. Hes a good guy he really is just jumping to conclusions prematurely thinking im psychotic and i own it that i can b intense when i want an answer. But i told him earlier in a text that im not a mind reader and he shud have made me aware that he wanted me to chill. And All wudve been fine.
            But- u have to change your behavior if you want to see a change is someone elses. Thats true.

            You would think im talking about a much younger guy but men are boys and even in their 40s and beyond they can be asses.

            I appreciate your advice. Ill keep u posted. I miss him bc we talked and txted a hundred times a day and always say good morning and Goodnite. He works in nyc and always lets me know when hes on/ off the train. It just sux bc idk what hes thinking or if he even intends on giving it another shot – im really hoping he realizes hes partially to blame here … But i wont contact him all week. Should i ignore his bday on tues too?

          • Every time you want to text or call him, here’s my # 2408824103, text me!! Trust me I’ve been where you are too many times with my guy and just pushed him away by being so intense, full of anxiety/jealousy, leading forward etc. It is only when I lean back completely and start being busy and into myself he comes around and is very sweet. My negativity and bickering sends him running for the hills each time. I actually just let my insecurities get the best of me this wknd and we got in an argument. I haven’t heard from him but that’s ok. I will when he’s cooled off and we will come back refreshed and ok hopefully like before. Guys take time to cool down and us texting just annoys them. I’ve learned this first hand. Less is more!!!

          • You can send a simple happy birthday text maybe with a smiley face but that’s it. And I’d do it way later in the day not like a ok counting down to your bday type thing you know. Keep it short but positive and that’s it. If he replies thx just leave it alone. Till he texts you again another time

          • You need to lean waaaaayyyyy back and CHILL the f out!

      • Who says you have to get to the bottom of it and give repeated phone calls in only two months of dating? Of course he’s annoyed. You’re pushy and controlling. Leave him alone when he’s moody. It’s not your job to fix the situation. That’s masculine energy and won’t work. Get my book, and learn the right things!

        • whoaaaa thanks Katarina but go easy on me geez– ive just started dating again- was married for almost 20 years. This is foreign to me and most of us which is why we come to you for advice. Be helpful not judgemental. I think i admitted i did things wrong. Im asking if you think he will come back if i chill.


          • update– today is his bday and hes traveling for business. we ahvent comunicated in 3 or 4 days so i sent just one text ‘happy bday’ at midnight last night. At 6am he responded “thank you”
            Really stuned he even replied. Im happy- its a good sign no?
            Im not going to text again im just going to leave it alone. U agree? ….whats Next step??

  • hi katrina… 41 divorced 2 kids. he is 43 recently divorced 2 kids. We dated 6 mos. his ex controlled his every move. He is a great dad. Said he cared for me tremendously. we had amazing sex. We had super fun times alone, with his friends, etc.. He was an incredible gentleman and very chivalrous. Out of the bluw- he ghosted. Why? He said he couldnt deal with disappointing me. bc of him having to bow to his ex with kids, etc.. Ridiculous i said. Then said he didnt feel he was fit for a relationship and its demand. He hurt me badly i felt he didnt care. 2 months go by i contact him saying no strings, i wanted to see him and just talk. we met, had drinks ,good convo, said we missed each other, I cried told him he really hurt me, he said he messed up, he was going thru hell ( yes i did as well) and was sorry. Ended up having sex. Spoke and texted next day. day after. day after that too… now all of a sudden- poof. Hes gone no answers to text or calls. told him he is not a man and i cant believe he did this again after he was sorry! Heart broken all over again. wtf????!!!!!

  • This seems to be a common theme. I have been in a on – off again “relationship” ( I use the word loosely) with a divorced man. I have a lot of feelings for him. He was in the middle of his divorce when we met. We saw( I use this word loosely also) each other consistently for a year. I finally got fed up. We go back and forth. He disappears for a couple months and texts again. We have actually only been on two dates in 2 1/2 years. He says he bonds thru sex. We tried to make it more this last spring. He made lots of promises to do more stuff together. Never happened. Disappeared again for a several months. Recently came back into my life again. Just looking for FWB again. He said some things that were pretty hurtful just the past few days. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. He needs to find someone who isn’t looking for anything more than a hookup as I couldn’t be that person any longer. 2 1/2 years is long enough to wait for someone to make up their mind if they want more than just sex. Don’t know if this was good or bad. For me, it’s good, I want to date, actually date not just hook up, other people. I just got Kat’s book. We’ll see how badly I’ve done all this. 🙂

    • Yes 2.5 years is long enough. He sticks around cause you allow it. You can put him in the rotation and start focusing on others who are truly into you.

  • I’m just wondering if I can get some thoughts on this situation. I dated a man for about 2-3 months & we are still communicating. He is going through a divorce but amicable with ex (I know, I know) & I was never the least concerned they would get back together. They were separated over 5 years but he never dated until me. He quickly came on strong & considered us in a relationship. Soon after he said he felt like he wasn’t sure he wanted to settle down with the first woman he dated & would feel more comfortable if we stepped back & were friends for awhile first – not fwb’s either. We are both 49 & professionals – in addition, we are both in school so very busy. At first I said “no I can’t be your friend” & cut off communication completely but began texting & talking after a period of weeks. We both said how much we missed each other, etc. but he was on the fence whether we could still see each other romantically & stated he was very confused about what he wanted. I stated “no relationship” if we see each other again we would take it slow. We had coffee 2 weeks ago – all the spark, attraction, a lot of feelings are still there. I have been dating a lot of other men but casually although I’ve never brought it up to him or asked if he’s seen anyone else. On that meeting we did kiss a lot, hold hands but nothing more than that – I said goodbye at my door. I can’t say I fell in love during those months but I think it was very close. I’m not just waiting around for him exclusively but I feel he may think so therefore he feels he has all the control. I haven’t purchased any materials yet but strongly thinking about it. I’m waffling back & forth about this guy – I haven’t felt a strong connection like this with anyone in years & we really click well. So I don’t know if I should just be patient or tell him to call if he wants when he has his act together. I have been trying to “mirror” what he does – like not texting until he initiates, etc. I really think when we first started I was way too available when he had time to go out – so if I could get some ideas that would be great!

    • Karen, date and enjoy him but find his rivals…those others you equally like. Be “greedy” and enjoy everything life has to offer for the sake of enjoying every moment of your life, not for any agenda. That energy will attract him like a moth to a flame and yes…start with my ebook and be the goddess men chase!

      • Thank you for the reply – I am getting the ebook. I had a bit of a meltdown thursday & lost my patience. I really wish he would join a divorce support group or even establish some friendships with other men going thru the same thing & told him so – he does respect my opinion. I did tell him I wasn’t going to be a “convenience” & he now knows I am dating other men. I asked what he thought & he said “I’m not angry but it did bother me but I didn’t want to let you know that.” I really told him so he knows I’m not sitting around waiting – we have only seen each other again the last few weeks & had agreed on slow & no expectations. He is currently out of town for a seminar but I am thinking when we get together next to let him know I consider it ok to date others while there’s no commitment. My friends think I’m crazy but understand I need to do what I think is right. Half of me thinks I should just say don’t contact me till you’ve worked out some things & the other half knows a true connection isn’t found frequently. Even best case scenario he has a lot of divorce baggage to work through but I’m not ready to completely walk away yet.

  • I think anyone in this situation should just leave, there is nothing worse than off again on again relationship. I’m also the advocate of bad answer being better than no answer. Dealing with the possibility of it never working out and just focusing more on moving on is better than hoping. There is nothing worse than being over someone, and then them showing up again only to give you false hope. Every time they leave they will make you feel like you are dealing with the break up all over again. So, if you are in such a situation I would say just leave, block them, disappear from their lives completely. If they want to be with you they will find a way to be. But, also live your life believing that they won’t/ Move on!

    • You are so right. I just had this happen to me with an on-again off-again relationship. This person I was seeing in frequently but it was very intense for 3 to 4 months who basically vanished on me with no reply. Didn’t hear from them for three months then out of the blue they text me , relentlessly pursue me for two days like nothing ever happened and then once again it’s the same pattern no responses to text no initiation of text, like you’re here and gone almost like if you don’t exist , it’s a very painful feeling , very empty feeling I don’t wish it on anybody. I was just starting to feel better after three months away from this person and I was starting all over again. It’s horrible what people do to other people so cold callous and cruel and self-centered.

  • Hi Katarina,

    I hope you can help me. I have been seeing a man for a Little more than a year. We are not in a relationship might i say. We meet up regulary, go to concerts together (take photos and Videos together) we have regular sex, cook together, and he asks me to go with him to certain Events, like when he Plays Football, or when his Band has practice. He is an EUM, he cant talk about his Feelings and emotions. He also gets grumpy when i dont run to him when he wants to see me.

    Because of this reaction (his grumpiness) i wrote to him and asked him if he could imagine a relationship with me. He answered back saying, that it would not work and that we should stay friends. I accepted his answer, and we went that eveing to a concert and had a great time and ended the night with sex….

    I can see that he has Feelings for me, but since that evening he hasnt contacted me and seems alittle cold, stand offisch.

    Over the last year, when i noticed that he doesnt react to my text, i leave him, i dont write anymore to him. I pull back and wait for him to contact me, which he always did.

    my question is what can i do that will make him want an exclusive relationship with me? to make him express his Feelings for me and ask me to be his girlfriend…

    I dont have much Money, would of loved to have brought your book.

    I hope to hear from you soon.

    Kind regards

  • Hey everyone! I just found this blog and I am happy to see that I am not the only one with this type of come and go issue. The guy who has literally made me confused,happy,sad and angry at the same time. we were together for about 5 years on and off. I even moved to a different country for him (he was studying his last year so I began a course too) and he left back to his home country without even discussing this with me,leaving me cold and dry. He broke it off and then appeared out of the blue about a month or so later. We got together again he said he wanted us to try and my heart was melting for him so said yes.It was great until he vanished again and then came back,broke it off again saying that he couldn’t be with me anymore.Blocked me from everywhere. I was a reck. I couldn’t believe I was back to square one again and it was my fault for falling for him again. A couple of weeks later he reappears and asked me to go and see him so we could spend time together but without being in a relationship.I said no but we began to talk a little and then a little more and wasn’t sure what was going on cause it just felt like we were together but at the same time neither of us had any right of demanding or expecting anything from each other. Then the talking starting becoming less but not non existent. I know its crazy and irresponsible and weak some might even say pathetic and sad but I miss him like crazy and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. I just want to know why he does this and what does he want from me? Am I just his easy toy he can play with and put down when his board or does he want to be with me but for some reason cant? Is there any way of winning him back and him staying? The though of him even being with someone else drives me mad…

  • Everyone on the forum with a few exceptions – Kat being one of them- thinks I’m absolutely nuts when it comes to my ex and my thoughts that I may in fact be slowly, VERY slowly “boiling the frog.”

    Well anyways-Nothing substantial has happened yet- but I have a minor update So me and ex were going back and fourth again and again and didnt talk for a few weeks and I just had it. I messaged him and I was like “I am pathetic and I need to move on- did u ever care about me? etc etc.” He kind of admitted to it but said “its too late now” and “it doesn’t matter” [what he thinks or feels]. He also claimed he was seeing somone new…

    It’s funny that he is supposedly claiming to see somone new because about an hour after telling me that he proceeded to beg me to go over there and have sex with him. I got annoyed and told him that I wasnt going to have sex with him and he should call the new chick who he is spending time and money to fuck him instead… He got mad and kept telling me to lose his number then a minute later he would text me again asking if I was coming over. LOL

    The next day I texted him and asked him to help me because I wanted to buy a new car. The last car I bought he taunted me and said I got ripped off and wanted to know why didnt I bring him. So I figured he’d be willing to help after he said all that a few months ago. I asked if he would help and he told me I was too crazy and he wouldnt help me with anything— I refused to respond— so about a week later he contacted me again and again on FRIDAY but I took a long time to respond. It was pretty late by the time I got back to him- he wanted to see me I said no. Next day same thing- I honestly was busy in a hot tub with my friend and some other guys and out of state- I couldn’t have seen him if I wanted to!

    So another 3 or 4 days goes by and he starts asking me to hang out again- I said “sure pick me up- or come see me.” He gets annoyed and insists on me going over there- I end the conversation and stop answering him.

    Next day same thing- my car was in the shop and he istill was too big a lazy jerk to come get me. Then he says steal ur roomates car- wtf- ya right… and then I just stopped answering- he then said he wasnt going to ask me to hang out anymore as if his offers were even worthy. I havent heard from him since – it’s been about a week and a few days- somehow i think this is progress though nothing has really happened. I have changed a bit- mainly I am not reacting, arguing or responding to drama or rudeness. I have also let him have the last word every time- which shockinglu usually turns into him having the last few words- as when I leave him hanging he keeps texting….

  • Hi Katarina,

    My name is Lori. I live in the UK and I found your site last night while trying to figure out what I need to do. It has helped me a little but my situation is a little different then the one that happens with you and your husband and I guess I want to know i still have a chance.

    You see me and my partner broke up a year ago he told me he was Confussed and he felt we were moving to fast, we’d be together over a year and the brake up came as quite a shock to me since we never had any problems we were always open and honest with each other. Now over the past year we have still kept in contact with each other and every couple of months it feels like were on the verge of getting back together then suddenly he’ll pull away, he stop talking to me for a while then suddenly start again.

    Just before Xmas however we got into an argument, a mutuel friend had being saying some stuff to him about me and we fell out. At this point I stopped contact all together for a full 30 days after reading on sites that’s what I needed to do. And it work after 30 days I contacted him out of the blue and gradually we started talking like we use to. 3 months down the line and it’s all blow up in my face.

    We had a nice talk and he told me he still dosen’t know what he wants, but he can’t bear the though of hurting me like he did when he broke up with me, he even asked me what he would have to do to show me he was sorry for everything. Eventually we agreed to see each other in person and he came around my house after work, one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together. But then he suddenly stopped talking to me also. Hurt and Confussed myself about his sudden change I ended up getting told he had been about me to his lad friends and I ended up sending him a really nasty text telling him what I though of what he’s done espically since he would never normally say anything about me, he gets really angry if anyone even suggested I was dating another guy. I’ve since been told that he might not of said his comments in the context I was told but he’s also never admitted or denied saying it when I asked him.

    A week later he starts texting a girl I use to work with, again this is the same girl he’d been trying to make me jelouse with and given that I know her, I know I’m more attractive then see is, not that I’m big headed or anything, he also got very angry and me been told about it. She ended up going back to her ex boyfriend but a week later I here he’s taken her out on a date.

    Now I love him to pieces and I know we are great together because we fell so easily into a relationship, and nothing was ever hard for us, we had the same tastes some of the same interests. I guess what I’m asking is I know after reading your story about you husband I know I need to let him be with her so he can figure it out he suppose to be with me, but it hurts and it’s a lot harder then I thought it would be.

    The thing is, we use to work together that’s how we meet and what I’ve noticed is that a lot of the problems between us now is because the people I use to work with gossip, we got into another argument at the weekend because someone had found out we’d slept together and he’s been told I was telling everyone which I wasn’t. In the end I ended up sending him a text saying that nothing I say will ever change his mind right now, and I’m Confussed about the way he’s been treating me but i do what him to be happy even if that means it’s not with me the said goodbye. I also deleted his number the morning after I sent it.

    It was only two weeks ago he was saying how miserable he was now he apprently happy texting and dating this other girl? I don’t understand how that happens, espically when she’s the complete operaite of me and they have nothing in common, I’ve even know him to make comments about her when we were together about how she’s horrible, and he wouldn’t touch her yet now he wants to? I do know also that his friend works in the same shop as her and I was told he’s being encouraging it, more then likly for a source of entertainment for himself while he’s working he’s not a very nice person.

    I guess what I want to know is what do I do now to get him back? Because I do want him back and I do know he still cares for me, every time I need him he’s always there. I even found out the day I text him asking for advice about a job offer he was on his date with her, and as soon as he got him he text me, he even found out about my health problems and text me straight away asking if it was true and how was I. It was werid he was really angry at me and I don’t get why it’s not like it’s a illness you can just deside to get or do anything to provent it from happening.

    I just want you to tell me what I now need to do to get him back, I know I probably pushed him away a little with some of the stuff I did and said but I do want him back and I do believe we belong together and I will do anything to make it happen.

    I just want you to tell me that the same will happen for me as it did for you. That this is a rebound and it will fizzle out quickly and then he’ll be back, but I also know the that my situation with him is a little different to normally brake ups.

    Please help me, I so lost and co guessed right now about how it happened when things were going so well between us.

    Look forward to you response (only if is what I want to here,

    • “he told me he still dosen’t know what he wants” isn’t this crystal clear enough? I’m not even an English speaker yet I get the meaning of it. It’s the only sentence that matters in this lengthy story.
      Please don’t fool yourself and justify what he’s doing! Just regain your self-esteem, don’t show him that you’re grieving his loss because you will look even smaller in his eyes. Start by cutting him off (Never ever call him) and enhancing your support system (friends, family, activities…). Kat said he will either step forward and claim you back or he’s done, you can’t control the outcome of it but it’s the only way to preserve your dignity. By leaning back you’ll either will be more attractive to him and get him back, or you’ll even lose interest in him and find a new guy.

    • Hi Lori,
      Not sure why he did that if your relationship was great and connected? It’s either it’s not polarized enough or he’s just not ready. You can’t force him to be where you are. Have you read my book yet? That’s the basic to get your ex back or attract a new man. Please read it and you’ll become a part of my growing community.

      I have helped women get their exes back but at first they need to work on themselves.

  • You don’t even have to care for him stepping up or down; you’re done with his immaturity, Hannah! Note that you need to to raise your value, not just a simple ego stroke or a short term so-called win if he comes back. Even if he does, that doesn’t mean he will love you. Such guys never love anyone, they can’t even love themselves!

  • Yes of course he’ll be back!! That’s all he does, comes and goes…comes and goes like genital warts. But why do you want to be strung along? Cut the ties now.

  • So Ya We are not speaking again and the whole cycle will start over- but this time I’ve had it- I made it pretty clear not to come back unless he is interested in a relationship. I told him I am NOT a booty call and politely said that if sex is all he wants I cannot provide that for him. I also don’t think it would hurt to implement your suggestion Kat- to ignore/ block him when he does come back- He is still having a temper tantrum over access being denied (sex) and says he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Let’s see how long that lasts…. To be honest each and every tine it has taken him less and less time to return but then he pulls this crap. I guess I am allowing it- I can always put my foot down and say I’m moving on- when he comes back- and then see if he steps up- while actually trying to move on. Maybe the frog is slowly very slowly being boiled we’ll see

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