When Your Boyfriend is Still on a Dating Site – What to do?

My boyfriend is still on a dating site

It’s a big sinking feeling when you discover your boyfriend is still on a dating site, no doubt about it.  It’s like you momentarily just forget to breath.  I have been there.  So what does it mean and what do you do if you find your boyfriend still on a dating site.

The first thing here for you to consider before you start to analyze this to death is what made you check the dating site in the first place?  In most cases it’s our gut that gives us a feeling that something may be off.  I call it my spidey sense.

In other cases, there are some women that just don’t trust a man in general.  They are constantly on guard for something to go wrong and checking a dating site for the guy they are dating is part of their ritual. If this is you, stop right here and please check out the Journey Inward and start doing some inner work.

What Does it Mean When Your Boyfriend is Still on a Dating Site?

It’s pretty simple really.  He is keeping his options open.  When a man is committed to you he is committed to contributing to your happiness as well. You won’t likely find him still active on a dating site.  I don’t care what he tells you or what excuse he givesUnless he is a complete idiot, he is aware this would not make you happy.  A man committed to you would rather lose his arm than cause you despair.

However, here’s a caveat.  If this happens in the beginning of a relationship, it’s actually quite common so don’t freak out.  No need to be reactive especially when he’s not really active on there.

This may also be a sign to you that you are a lot more invested into him than he is into you.  After all, you wouldn’t dream of still being on a dating site would you?  It’s time to take a long hard look at yourself.  Is he really your boyfriend or has your imagination carried you away in this relationship? 

Often men like you enough to move things forward, but they just aren’t all in yet.  They keep these secrets because they fear your emotional reaction.  It’s not always that they don’t want to be with you. It’s more that they aren’t moving along at the same pace you are, so they juggle until they can make up their minds. They are pacing the relationship in their own minds to a degree.

Bottom line here though is this.  At this moment, today, right now, you are most likely more invested and farther ahead in this relationship than he is.  So now what?

What to do When Your Boyfriend Won’t Take his Dating Profile Down

First off, don’t overreact and attack him.  This will only put him on the defense and he very well may play the blame shifting game as in make you feel like crap for snooping in the first place. Managing your emotions is something that you will be glad you did later down the road as opposed to going bat shit crazy on him.  We are not in our Feminine Energy when we act bat shit crazy and it’s just not attractive.

Don’t jump to conclusions either.  Consider how you discovered this gut wrenching piece of information. I personally still get emails from Match saying I have messages or so and so winked and I haven’t logged onto that site in over two years.  I am not on a dating site, even though it appears I am.  I just haven’t bothered to remove my profile.

So before your analyzing mind goes into overdrive, make sure that he is actually active and doesn’t just have some dormant profile up there.

When you find your boyfriend is still on a dating site, you have two choices really.  You can confront him or you can downgrade him and pull back from the relationship.

Should You Confront Your Boyfriend about his Online Dating Activity?

boyfriend is still on a dating siteIf you know for a fact that he is online and active, and you decide you must confront him or you will die, don’t go at it in an accusing manner please.  A simple statement like “I noticed you have your online dating profile still up and perhaps I don’t understand the terms of our relationship correctly, could you help me out with this?”

Then shut up and listen.  Not with the ears that want to believe, but with that gut!  I did this once and the next day he emailed me the confirmations from Match that he had indeed cancelled his account and I didn’t have to ask him to do it. He did it on his own and problem was resolved with no drama.

Above all stay calm and relaxed in your Feminine energy and don’t fly off the handle and lose control of your emotions.  He expects you to lose control, so don’t!  

If he gives you any lame excuses. you need to seriously consider if it’s time to walk away from the relationship: If a man is still active on a dating site, his options are open and you options should remain open as well.  That is what we call mirroring a man.

Listen to these two classes to really deal with this the Goddessy Way: “How To be High Value And Easy To Lose And How It Can Inspire Men To Step Up” and “How To Manage Your Emotional Investment When He’s Been Stepping Up But Hasn’t Claimed You.”

Even when he has claimed you verbally, your job to observe never stops.  So observe, observe  and adjust your investment to his.  Katarina always says to be always on the same page as him at all time.  You withdraw emotionally when you see he’s not actually fully in.  He’s not necessarily a bad man, but he just hasn’t arrived emotionally.

Your other options to confronting him is to just accept this truth, he isn’t as invested into you as you thought and downgrade him and stop being so available to him.  Start your rotation up, start dating yourself.  Downgrade him and continue on with your Merry life!

Invest into yourself, take one of Katarina’s workshops like Leaning Back and Cultivating Feminine Mystique or get her book, He’s Really That Into You, He’s Just Not Ready! 

 

 

 

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4 comments

  • Hi,
    Can you talk more on when it’s time to walk away and true emotionally unavailable men. I read all of your posts. I love them but most of these men can say I love you, really don’t have an issue with intimacy. Would love to hear your insight on the men that pull away when it comes to growing closer or showing love or saying I love you etc…also dealing with the time period after you’ve walked away. How to handle when they contact or do you allow them to contact for silly things?because the true EUM won’t contact to express feelings.
    -Thank you
    Tonya

    • Hi Katarina,
      I’m 23 years old. About two months ago I met this amazing guy as I was taking an attachment at a certain hospital. He’s 26. At first it was hard to connect but then we did connect. We had a lot in common and never ran out of stuff to talk about. We were always together most of the time and never got bored of each other. That is maybe because we are both playful. We used to get off work together, he’d walk me to town to get a cab to head home. We’d stop by a restaurant once in a while before I headed home and went for lunch together almost everyday. we’d text everyday.I’m not sure who initiated the conversations coz it was a never ending conversation.. the last person to text would wait for the other to text for the story to flow. He has two numbers so if one was not on for any reason he’d tell me so that I could use the other or ask me to use other social media..I went to hospital to keep him company. I lost track of time n it got really late. He was busy when I realised how late it was so he asked me to be patient and offered to take me home once he was done. He debriding this necrotic leg n he pricked himself. The patient had to be screened for HIV for the next step to be taken. it was a scary moment. I held his hand for the first time n he held mine back. The patient turned out to be negative n I ran out crying. He followed and hugged me for the 1st time in a month or more. we became closer but he pricked himself 3 days later and he had to take pep for 28 days. He was always sickly coz of the drugs but he kept on walking me n all doing all the things we used to do before that. We hang out indoors twice. We just cuddled..nothing happened. Things changed day after he fell sick once n took a 1 week leave. Nothing was the same when came back. I had an emotional breakdown. I got angry with him because he slept on me while we were talking about it. He apologized. I had another episode..I apologized after a day n that Saturday I went to keep him company. I thought everything went well but he never texted again after I stopped going to hospital from Monday. After 3 days of silence I texted asking him why and what is it that he wanted. he never texted back. Earlier on I had told him that felt something had changed n had asked him about spending time together. I didn’t text again and he never did. I went back to hospital a week later to officially end my attachment n I said goodbye. I texted him 2 days later n he texted back,said he’d miss back n he was going to visit me in school. we started talking like nothing eve changed. But I never leaned back to see if he’d initiate. I initiated all the time.I asked that we spend time together 3 times. he said he’ll let me know but he didn’t. I knew he was busy so I didn’t push. it immediately he got a break he chose to travel instead. Iasked about seeing him but he said maybe we would maybe not but he’d come to school. I got angry n I told him not to come. 2 days later I wished him all the best in life..really long text. He said nothing. I apologized after a week said I overreacted n it was silly. He said maybe I did maybe I didn’t n only time will tell. I said I shouldn’t have just focused on everything that went wrong n should have been appreciative. he hasn’t said anything back. I like him and after reading your blog I know there are many things I should have done differently. I can’t access your book coz I’m still a student depending on my parents for money and it is not enough but I’ll keep reading the blog posts. they are helpful. how do I get him to give me another chance and there’s no chance I’ll see him? we’ll b in different places.
      please help! Thank you.

      • You stop trying to make something happen, you can’t convince a man to give you another chance, he either wants to or he doesn’t. You constant contact and pushing and trying to fix and control is probably what has pushed him away to start with. You have become dependent on him for your happiness and for feeling good and that’s a huge responsibility for a man and feels about as pleasant to him as toting around a hundred pounds of rocks.

        Lean back, way back, give him some space. A man can’t miss you when you are always reminding him you are there.

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