When Your Boyfriend Has Lost Interest in Sex
When our boyfriend, husband or partner loses interest in sex we tend to feel undesirable, and even unattractive. We want to fix it and fix it now.
You wonder is it you? Do you suddenly not turn him on anymore? Is there someone else?
There are many reasons a man can lose interest in sex and become unresponsive to you physically. Before you take it personal, you may want to take a look at what is going on in his life.
Are any of the following going on?
- Stress or long work hours
- Unstable finances
- Family issues
- Health issues
- Medications with side effects
- Recent loss of a job or loved one
- Erectile Disfunction
- increased alcohol consumption
Changes and disruptions in his life can mess with his head(s). There are too many scenarios to even list here.
Many of you are going to want to talk about this when sometimes it’s just temporary. Before you jump on the train of he isn’t attracted to me anymore and try to fix it, make sure you are aware of what is going on in his life outside of you.
Should I Speak Up About Lack of Sex
Chances are good he is already aware. If he has a lot of stress or loss or anything major going on in his life, I suggest just be present and take care of yourself.
He may feel bad about it and you bringing it up may make it worse. It can add to the pressure he is already feeling.
He may not say it but when you want to talk about it, he may be thinking, great, just what I need right now, more pressure.
I went through a tough time a few years back with my now ex. I had a lot of loss in my life. My Mom, Dad and Brother passed in a short period of time. My business started suffering and life wasn’t a cake walk.
Sex was the last thing on my mind.
He would ask me when did I think I would want to have sex again. He would want to talk about it.
I found it very selfish of him from my perspective at that time. While I was aware he had needs, I could barely fill my own cup up. I seriously just didn’t have it to give.
Maybe right now he doesn’t either.
My attraction dropped by the day from the constant talking.
Should You Try to Seduce Him?
Many women will advise you to put on sexy lingerie, and seduce him. If this works at all, it’s going to be short lived. You might get sex for the night or maybe 10 minutes, but the next day, his stress is still there.
He will go back to where he was and you will again be disappointed. It’s a temporary fix.
Again, with my ex, he tried this. He didn’t put on sexy lingerie (that would be weird) but he became very affectionate as in rubbing on me, wanting to slow dance. When I went to the bathroom and walked by the bedroom, there were candles lit.
The pressure to perform slapped me like a ton of bricks.
I knew without a shadow of a doubt that sex was the expectation for the night.
Whether my thinking was right or wrong, it felt so much more about him and what he wanted and not about me at all.
He wanted validation that I still loved him. That I still wanted him. He was needy from where I stood.
I felt unheard and unseen.
Men if they feel they are lacking in other areas of their lives may feel like they are failing you. If you show up as a sexy seductress and he feels pressured, you are only going to intensify his feelings of failure.
He is now acutely aware of your expectation.
Seducing him may backfire. Be careful there.
Why Would He Lose Attraction
Sometimes however he has lost attraction. If a man if feeling suffocated or trapped in the relationship or overwhelmed by your expectations, he may lose the desire to have sex with you.
If you are insecure overall in your relationship, this is an attraction killer.
He avoids the sex to avoid the closeness because the closer you get, the more expectations you seem to have. The more expectations you have, the more pressure he feels.
He doesn’t want to have sex anymore as a means of self preservation.
What Can I Do
Stop depending on him to make you feel good or validated. Start filling up your own cup. If his life has new issues or pressures outside of your relationship, don’t add more by making him feel responsible for your own well being.
Take your well being into your own hands.
When activities other than sex present themselves for you to do as a couple, do them.
There is more to intimacy than sex, way more. Activities together can help you bond without the pressure of performance. I broke my 3 month non sex with my ex after a night of bowling.
Amazing what happens when you relax and just live in the moment.
When you are relaxed, he is relaxed and will begin to feel safe again.
Check also Katarina’s Module 4 Celebrating Your Feminine Sexuality and Healing Your Sexual Trauma if the block is also related to you and your view re. sex.
What if it’s Not Temporary?
If his drive or lack of interest lasts for months and months, you need to decide if this is something you can live with. You accept it or reject it. Is it a deal breaker for you?
Don’t feel bad if it is.
I can’t tell you what to do here. This is a complicated subject but something you may consider what I hear Katarina have said to the ladies that complain of the same issue: “As relationship deepens and matures, and emotional and spiritual connection has been cemented, sex often naturally takes a back seat and it’s really not a bad thing necessarily.
It’s just that relationship has evolved beyond the physical and especially for a man in his 40’s and above, once he’s “domesticated” his testosterone level drops considerably and it affects his libido.
We all know that monogamy has that effect on every relationship so don’t take it personally. The lack of sex doesn’t indicate the lack of the more evolved aspects of the relationship that are actually way more substantial than a physical relationship in the limerence stage. And that is intimacy is all about at the end of the day.”
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