Stop Self Sabotaging Relationships and Do Your Inner Work

If you have had one relationship failure after the other, it may be time to consider the common denominator is you.  When you focus on yourself and do your inner work, you naturally stop self sabotaging relationships in your life.  

“I have had a long history of seemingly perfect relationships with Alpha men and have never quite had a problem attracting men. But for some reason, my relationships never led to a firm commitment and had often been shrouded in anger, mistrust, control and two broken engagements later, I finally realized something was not right. I needed to stop self sabotaging relationships.

I also met my current man around that time. As I watched the tone of the relationship mirror what I was used to, it suddenly hit me it was a same “skirt” different “trousers” situation.  No way was history going to repeat itself as I owned up to my part of an erratic story.

I think for me the biggies are 1) dealing with an alpha-alpha who is also an avoidant attacher 2) being a Florence Nightingale and how I won my power back by snapping into reality 3) the power of completely letting go.

Mind you, I was a serial long term relationship full of drama with a broken engagement to cap it all.

There’s no relationship book or theory I had not tried: Baggage Reclaim, Why Men Love Bitches, Why Men Marry Bitches, Christian Carter, Rori Raye, you name it.  I told him with feeling messages how I was feeling when he wasn’t stepping up.  I feel this.  I feel that.  None of them worked cause I was doing it from a masculine state of mind.

And all these books are about rules as well.

Kat’s teaching is the answer to all my questions.  It is the missing piece of the puzzle.  The moment I practiced it my life changed. Confusion was gone, replaced by a strong sense of empowerment.

At some point I didn’t hear from him for a month and I began a rotation and really just focused on myself.  It was a pivotal decision considering how strict Kenyan culture was in regards of women dating more than one guy at a time.  It was considered a taboo but a gal had to do what she had to do.  No more talk about anything.  I let my silence speak for me.  And nothing works better than that.  Something is deeply triggered in him when I stopped leaning forward altogether.

Meeting Kat online was the best thing that happened to me as for the first time I understood the part I was playing in sabotaging good relationships. I was guarded as I bought her book as I had sworn that I would no longer buy any more books cause none of them works and read it (couldn’t put it down by the way) then the grand aha! moment happened.

It all finally made sense, that I was literally creating my experiences, I found myself, my past, my triggers and my present, including the ugly truths that led me to difficult relationships. I did not want to accept who I had become, I couldn’t believe how simple everything is.  I’ve been with my man almost two years, for one year, it was really just a mess but early last year when I really understood Kat’s lessons, my relationship blossomed into the most beautiful experience in my life.

Everyday I tell my sister how peaceful and deep our relationship is and she’s getting tired hearing it lol…

The same man I thought was impossible became a Knight in shinning armor who treats me like a queen and who wants to know everything I experience. I have finally found myself and in doing so I have met my best friend.

Just two days ago he told me he wanted us to try for a child.  I would just sit back and let him run the show.  He’s the most alpha man I know.  He commands respects from everyone where ever he goes.  When he enters a room, people notice.  He’s famous and very successful and I never thought I would have a partner like him.  Thanks to Kat, I’m living my dreams.

I’m very very seriously considering the possibility of organizing Journey Inward or similar in Kenya – sometime within the next 15 months with you as key speaker.   There’s a serious problem with corporate women here, less and less women are in relationships at all and I can see all that’s lacking is aligned with what you teach.  I will send you some of my thoughts.

Here are the final words on feminine magnetism and attraction: the key to attracting men by being more feminine requires you to give up the control you may think you have over your expectations of men. Being more feminine requires you to let go and release all of your worries and concerns into the universal drop box and trust that your desires will show up for you in the way you’ve always wanted when it comes to men.

It requires you to get a little uncomfortable so that you can completely eliminate your current romantic model way of attracting and interacting with men. It requires you to open to the possibility of serving the masculine in a whole new way, a way that will set you free. Be ready to open wider to attract greater. 

Katarina Phang, i will come to US in person for the Feminine Magnetism book/course launch I’ve been waiting for so long when they’re ready – you have my word.”

Emma was interviewed yesterday as a part of the Goddess Interview Series of the Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship Monthly Membership.   If you’re having an issue with your emotionally unavailable man like she did (he goes hot and cold, disappears and reappears, pulls back every so often, rarely communicates, etc), this call will erase your doubt on what to do or what not to do. You will stop self sabotaging relationships for good.

You can get her (and other Goddess’s) enlightening interview here (Second Series, #4).  It’s a worthwhile investment if profound personal transformation is what you aim for.

I would like just to add a few things since she has basically done the job for me explaining what’s missing with much relationship advice you find out there in the internet juggernaut.

The Way to Stop Self Sabotaging Relationships is to do the Inner Work!

Those other pieces of advice are often about rules: don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t have sex too early, hold out till he gives you commitment, don’t give up the cookie until 90 days, have the talk to define your relationship and let him know what your expectations are, talk like this or like that, don’t accept any date after Wednesday, etc.

But so long your energy is heavy, full of expectations and anxious, no matter how good you are at following rules you will break down at some point.  The constant self-doubting will sooner or later give you away.  Like many women you’ll have meltdowns that just make guys question your emotional stability even further.

Inner work is the only answer to this dilemma.  And that has been the main focus of my method and the one that has been responsible for the daily success stories I receive.  My particular program delving deeply into your psyche is Journey Inward.  The last one was Cycle 6 and it covers a new subject Shadow Work.  You can sign up here and there are 3 plans available even though it is already cheaper than therapy.

I’ll see you in the class tomorrow and the coming weeks.

UPDATE:  She’s engaged!! she got the ring on December 23, 2015.  And they got married in a beautiful traditional Kenyan wedding on May 31, 2016.



MORE: How To Be High Value And Easy To Lose And How This Inspires Men To Step Up

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).


Image credit Deposit Photo!



  • Thanks for sharing your story, it’s so encouraging… it’s the worst thing, seeing the guy you love hanging out with another woman, am learning to just stay calm (and date other guys)

  • hey kat
    you say you should mirror his actions. We broke up. After 1 month of no contact he blocked me on the phone and unfriended me on facebook and instagram
    Out of anger I blocked him on facebook &instagram when i see this.

    Did I do the right mirroring? Should I unblock him and go on with my life if I want him back?

  • When I found Katarina Phang and came to this group I was a complete mess. My drinking was out of control, my anxiety and I was very reactive.
    My eum who brought me here pretty much dumped me, because of my aggressive, masculine, desperate, reactive, and needy ways.
    I thought I could never get him back, I went from blowing up his phone, text harassing, everything, you name it! He had blocked me from everything, social networking sites, phone and ALL.
    I tried to hold on too tight and pushed him away. I seen him with other women, but following Kat’s advice I didn’t react, even though I was dying inside. It was close to 6 months of not having contact, I would see him here and there, but it was like he was quick to get away from me, until I finally decided to do something different, I stayed in this group, looked at posts from other women, started working on my anxiety, gaining more patience,
    reading Kat’s book, blog posts, and following Kat’s advice.
    Well it turned around, my energy changed, yes I still have some anxiety, but I control it better. He contacted me about a month ago, we started talking, and seeing each other, everything feels different now, he’s calling more, his tone is different, he seems happy when he speaks to me, and guess what? He’s been throwing out the ” I love you” word and he said I’m more chill and laid back. He smiles at me now, hugs me and gives me kisses. It all turned around after I let him go, I knew I loved him, I wanted him happy, I knew I had to let go because I wasn’t making him happy being toxic and pushy, I wasn’t making myself happy, chasing after him.
    Ladies if I can go from bat shit crazy, drama queen, toxic, to more calmer, non reactive, you can too! If my situation turned around, yours can too!
    I realized I was my own enemy. Men are not mean assholes, work on you, it’s true, once you change your ways, he will change how he reacts to you.
    Be soft, lean back, have patience, mirror him, let him lead, be calm, non reactive, sweet and lure with honey. Kat knows how to speak a man’s language, she understands men. You can turn your life around, you can become a goddess, believe in yourself and do the work.
    It feels good to lean back and have a man pursue you, that’s how it’s supposed to be, allow it. If I can change, you can too. Listen to Kat ladies, she is truly the “Man Whisper”
    Katarina you are an angel and truly the best, Hugs.

  • Is being emotionally unavailable the same as having intimacy issues?

    • Would also like to know more on this topic, have both these problems. Long story but I think he thought I wasn’t so into him (we’re both EU but I’ve been working on it) and I saw him with another girl, we had only been together twice. This totally messed things up for me re. intimacy because now I cannot be vulnerable with him anymore. He can get any girl into bed and was always drawn to me because I am very selective regarding men anyway now he tells me I’m not good in bed or that we don’t connect sexually…I told him it was because I saw him with someone else but I don’t think he connected the dots (I do know how to do it; at least I hope so haha) just with him I hit a total emotional block when it comes to sex. Love him more than the exes; how to overcome this obstacle?

  • Hi Kat,


    I’ve been a follower of your blog for a while now. Constantly reading your latest post and articles. I’ve been seeing this guy since last Novemeber, so it’s been about 5 months. When we first met, we hit it off instantly. Always around each other, we have mutual friends. Like a month in I started to notice he was a ladies man. Always on his phone, flirting with girls when we went out, etc. I didn’t put much energy into saying anything b/c we weren’t exclusive. Whenever I was around I would try to be relaxed and be in the moment. Never starting arguments or bringing up the stuff that I had noticed. I figured it was to early to get invested like that.


    Out of that 5 months we stopped talking for about 6 weeks, No contact! (Jan- feb) I went through some personal problems. We slowly started to talk again about a month ago and now he’s saying how much he has changed. He never felt this way about any woman before.  He told me when we stopped talking he realized how much he cared for me, even loved me.  How he wants to be exclusive, he calls me his girlfriend and says he sees a future with me. Everything a girl would want to hear.


    My problem is he doesn’t test or call often. My goal is to lean back, but after like 2 days and I hear nothing I start to get mad or really miss him and text him 1st. I’ve mentioned to him before how I feel like days could go by and not hear from him. We usually hang out on the weekends, we both work full time jobs.


    I’ve been working on myself and learning to relax. I do other things in my life to keep me occupied like go to the gym, hang out with girl friends.


    Parts of me don’t take him seriously. I think about how he was before and how he used to always be on his phone and such.  but is that my own insecurity?


    Am I still acting in my masculine energy? I know you always talk about leaning back and mirroring a guy, but does that still apply when 2 people call each other “boyfriend and girlfriend”?


    I don’t know what to do, I really like him.


    Please help me!!!!!

    • Always trust a guy’s actions, not his words. If he’s not acting like a bf, he’s not your bf no matter what he says. So act single (date other men) till he steps up. And use my book as a guide cause you’ll need it each time you feel shaky.

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