Members LoginThe Fine Line of Luring with Honey or Being a Doormat!
Katarina teaches us women about luring with honey in dating and relationships. Many however, take this concept a bit far and use it in situation where it’s not warranted. The result is doormat behavior.
Honey can be as as simple as just being warm and receptive and open (listen to the luring-with-honey class here).
It can also at times be as simple as just being non reactive and drama free (listen to the softening-boundaries class here).
Situations are all different, and knowing when to implement the above two simple forms of honey determine if you are high value or a doormat.
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When Honey Turns to Doormat
For example. A woman has been on a couple of dates with a guy. He disappears for weeks, comes back around, makes plans and then doesn’t follow through or show up.
He may or may not offer an apology or explanation. Regardless it’s not the first time or the second time it has happened.
He does this numerous times and again, pops back up, usually with a text maybe just to say hey, maybe to suggest meeting again. Her question is what is a high value response or how to give a honey response.
Let’s say he texts “Hey, let’s get together soon”.
A man that disappears, doesn’t follow through, and flat out flakes does not need to be slathered with any honey.
Me personally I probably would not reply at all. I withdraw my attention.
No response is actually honey when you compare it to the alternative.
The alternative being reactive and giving him a piece of your mind. Lashing out and going into a speech about how valuable their time is and how disrespected you feel.
Wasting your time yacking at a man about his wrong doings is not valuing your own time. Trust me he already knows.
Talking less is far more effective.
Show him with actions or lack of how to treat you. Words won’t work.
I have seen ladies give advice to reply with something like “Sure I am free such and such a day.”
That’s when honey turns into a doormat and you just told him you will accept bad behavior.
Please don’t do that. If you must say something, just say okay and leave it.
When to Pour Some Sugar on Him
Let’s say you have just started talking to a man and he asks you out, sets the time and place. The night arrives and right before the date he texts or calls you that something came up like maybe work, sick, sick kid. car accident, whatever.
If this is the first time, I usually give a benefit of a doubt. You can pour a bit of honey in your response but please don’t go overboard.
A little Honey Response:
“No worries, things happen, some other time.”
That’s it. You were polite, non reactive and left it open and the ball in his court. All you do now is keep living your life and forget about him for now.
A Doormat or Undesirable responses:
“Oh that’ too bad, I am disappointed. I am free Thursday.”
“It would have been nice if you had told me sooner. My time is valuable.”
While I am on this subject, I have to say, whoever came up with this offering up the days you are available when it doesn’t work out the first time might want to rethink this.
A man cancels or flakes on you, he is aware and if he is interested he knows what to do. You don’t have to lead him. It screams of over eagerness scented with some control.
If he is interested and you have been receptive and non reactive, he will try again. You don’t have to help him along.
Honey is for the Worker Bees
Save your honey for the guys that are putting in some effort. Guys that stay in touch, make plans and put in some work. Be open, flirty, and receptive.
Giving honey to flaky guys, guys that just send you texts daily (e-tethering) with no plans for dates or putting in actual time to get to know you in person don’t get your honey.
You can read what to do with a man who is e=tethering here.
Honey in cases where guys just aren’t really present in your life comes in the form of being drama free and non reactive.
Honey can be as much about what you don’t do as what you do. A guy flakes on you and you take the high road and just move on knows you value yourself. You showed him with actions or lack of your reactions, that he doesn’t get your attention with less than behavior.
Even negative attention is attention, so simply withdraw attention. That actually is honey.
Men notice this as most women aren’t so calm. They lash out with their feelings and give him a piece of their mind. We call this vinegar.
Take the high road. It’s honey honey. You will stand out among the crowd.
Learn ultimate way relating to a man in a way that will cause him to see you as an exception here.
MORE: When Expectations Are Actually Deal Breakers?
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This is a great post. Years ago I had a guy who disappeared on me for 2 weeks at a time and then would come back like nothing happened. I never texted him, so I definitely “leaned back” but whenever he came back I would be available to arrange a day. So with the next guy I tried the other tactic, the “vinegar” tactic, which was confronting the guy when he took two weeks of space and then came back bombarding me with texts like nothing happened. I never really thought about it, but simply ignoring is “honey” rather than “vinegar”- and though it seems counter-intuitive, probably the most likely option to have him chasing.