The Rules in Dating or My Proven Method

the rules for dating

There  is a book out called The Rules. It’s a book about the rules in dating and is about how to secure an outcome by applying a set of strict strategies.  It’s about having an agenda when you date.  Men feel this and it feels like control.  Read on then see how my method or “rules” in dating differ from this book.  

Cherry shared in the group:   “Long post, but I’ve decided to share my story, because I want women on here to know that Kat’s philosophy really does work and can transform your dating life. 

My story: 2 years ago I moved from vegas to Austin, 23 yrs old. I’d never had a serious bf (and was still a virgin) mainly because I just couldn’t get guys to want me long term. I was the Queen of chasing and convincing. 

I moved into a house with two guys, renting a room in their house. LONG story short, me and one of my roommates, I’ll call him M, ended up being very attracted to each other. I fell so hard for him. I liked him SO much. Eventually I lost my virginity to him. 

Afterwards, I got very emotionally anxious, attached, needy, possessive, clingy, etc. 

I expected a relationship and feelings to follow just because we were hooking up. We were still roommates, so I’d sleep in his room every night, basically wishing he was my boyfriend. He’d even warned me he wasn’t looking for a relationship! After I bought gifts for his mom and sister (cringe) he ended our little fling. 

His exact words were ‘I think you got attached too quickly.’  Did I mention we were still roommates? 

God, it was such an emotional hot mess. I look back at that girl I was 2 years ago and can’t believe my behavior. I had ZERO self-esteem. Zero. I begged him, cried all the time, tried convincing, etc etc etc. 

The next month I moved out, after telling my parents what a mess I was in. I was SEVERELY depressed. I just could NOT understand why M didn’t want a relationship with me. I’d analyze pics of his ex and think I’m so much prettier, why doesn’t he want me? I was so heartbroken. 

Fast forward a few months, and M reached out to me as a friend, and we reconnected as friends. The attraction was still there though on both sides. We made out one night, and he said he did care about me, but ‘I’m not ready for a relationship.’ 

Then, I made the biggest mistake of my life (which taught me so much!) I agreed to become friends with benefits, no strings attached. He said are you SURE that’s what you want, just FWB?  I lied to him, but worse I lied to myself. 

Our FWB phase was about 4/5 months. We would hook up, and I would just feel so awful. I’ve never been able to have emotion free sex, and I just felt so fake pretending this casual, no strings thing was what I wanted. 

In January 2014 he ended it because he said he could feel me getting attached, and he knew I wanted more but he just couldn’t give me more. Yup, I was devastated. But I knew it was all my own fault, bc I never could handle FWB and I knew it. This time I started reading books on self-esteem, and reading lots of stuff about how men think and what makes men want to commit. 

I read The Rules, and it really helped me. I mean a set of the rules in dating, I thought this was my answer.  Six months passed with us no contact.  In June 2014 we saw each other thru friends, and he started pursuing me. I always believed he really did like me because he always initiated things. I was stronger, and it showed, because he started asking me out on proper dates! It was great :).  He was being really sweet. 

HOWEVER, the Rules did confuse me a lot, because I really did think that if I followed every single Rule, I’d get the guy. 

I made him pick me up for every date, and I refused to hang out with him unless it was a ‘proper date.’  I wouldn’t see him basically unless he took me somewhere nice and paid. Once we got in a fight because he said he felt like I didn’t care about HIM, I just wanted him to take me to nice places. 

My too strict adherence to the Rules in dating pushed him away, because basically I was coming across as sort of a demanding, hard to please gold digger. We fell apart :(.   He gave me some BS excuse about ‘I need to stay single’ BUT he did cry when we broke up, and said he wished it could’ve worked, and he seemed so sincere. He seemed so truly sorry it didn’t work out that…..I wanted to get him back. 

He’d always been a good guy to me, and I believed we had a special connection. ……this is when I FOUND KAT!!!!!!  I read her book, all her blogs, studied EVERYTHING. I also found coaches who teach similar stuff to hers, and I ate it up. 

I was AMAZED at everything I learned. I just REALLY clicked with Kat’s philosophy on the rules in dating.  They were so different from the rules book I had read.

I feel like the Rules are too strict and too expectation centered, just because we follow them, doesn’t mean we get the guy! And they don’t explain enough about what makes men want to commit, or anything about polarity in attraction. Kat’s stuff is better! 

Fast forward to November 2014. He saw me at a bar, and then that night started texting, saying how pretty I looked. Then things led to us talking about why it hasn’t worked out. He said he felt like I was just using him to go on super fancy dates, and that I just wanted a rich guy, and didn’t care about the real him, and that’s why he’d ended it. 

I now felt STRONG thanks to Kat, and I leaned back. He continued texting and calling me all through December. We started hanging out, and I made sure to thank him when we went on dates, but I also RELAXED majorly and let him know I was ok with just chilling at home too. Things were going really well. I did let him know that I could never ever do FWB again, and that’s not who I am, and I can’t handle emotion free sex. 

So….in February 2015 we agreed that we are dating each other exclusively. I joined this group. I try to let him initiate most all texts and plans. I’m taking it day by day, and not thinking about the future at all. I don’t want to pressure him or scare him. 

Yesterday he sent me a text that said ‘I like sleeping next to you. :)’ 

It’s going really well, and it is mainly thanks to KATARINA PHANG!!!! Leaning back, having amazing self-esteem, NOT having expectations, letting the man set the pace, not stressing about the future, and being a happy, anxiety free girl WORKS!!!!!!! 

I just really want other women to know that you CAN change, and emotionally unavailable men can change too, but only if YOU do the inner work! I look back at my former self and can’t believe I ever acted like that.  I never want to go back to that!

My story is PROOF that you CAN transform yourself from a sad desperate fearful needy girl, to a self-confident woman.  I really hope things continue to go well for M and I. Thank you Kat 🙂 xo” 

This is not the first time I hear how the Rules makes a woman come across so aloof.  A few of the ladies in the private group have said the same thing. There really are no rules in dating.

The basic of the Rules is commendable as it teaches you to take the passive role to let a man who is serious to step up, just like what I teach.

However, this is where the Rules goes amiss: it doesn’t teach women to tame their expectations, in fact it teaches to increase them with edicts like “never accept a date after Wednesday.”

And expectations are why his attraction for you never grows but wanes over time (find out why here).

I don’t teach that.  It’s not about that.  It’s about your soothing, soft and feminine energy.  It’s about your genuine kindness and non-reactiveness. The rules in dating should be more relaxed, with room for spontaneity and fun.

The Rules in dating are about how to secure an outcome by applying a set of strict strategies.  When you are all about outcomes, your energy is heavy and manipulative.  And yes you come across aloof and uninterested in genuine connection.  You just are interested in a goal which is to make him submit to your whim. A man can feel the energy that these dating rules cause you to emit.

Some guys will go for that…yep the backbone-less beta variety you have no interest in, not the guys you are attracted to.  Not the guys who have options cause they will scratch you off right of the bat.

Your expectations are why your relationships have always been so hard.   Expectations, other than the mother of all sorrow, are also the worst kind of vinegar.

So how can you melt his heart if your energy is as sour as vinegar?

My method in dating, on the other hand, teaches you BALANCE.  You are sweet and understanding and so filled with self-love that you are not a doormat.  He won’t want to treat you like a doormat because you are such a gem!  He’s been with so many women and nobody is like you.  That’s what works each time.  Not those strict dating rules.

And any man can’t help noticing what a calming effect you have on him!

That is what makes him connect emotionally to you.

That is how he falls so deep for you he can’t get out.

You think, “Heck if I don’t set my standards high, he will mistreat me.”  I hear that all the time but fact is your stance of wanting to control and secure an outcome is a repellent.  You are easily upset and you are reactive as the result.  Who wants to sign up for a relationship with a woman who is so hard to please like that?

Men find that it’s difficult to make a woman happy who has all these high standard dating rules. Men are happy and stick around with women who are happy.  Men want to make you happy, but jumping through hoops to do it doesn’t feel natural!

You can’t demand love, respect and commitment.  You can only inspire them…with your feminine energy.  This feminine energy thing is what’s missing with so many dating/relationship rules/advice out there.  I teach this very elaborately and candidly.

How do you think I have the most engagement success stories among any coach out there (just got my 23th engagement news this year today)?  And in celebration of that I will call this upcoming Four Components Of Melting His Heart as “The Goddess Road To Engagement Edition.”    You can sign up with Module 2 Understanding Men and Four Components of Melting His Heart of my most comprehensive program Feminine Magnetism group coaching for most current cycle.

So if you really want to study the method that actually gives results beyond a shadow of a doubt, you won’t want to miss this program. You can say goodbye to the rules in dating and stop stressing over men, guaranteed.

Four Components Of Melting His Heart 

This luring with honey class will also teach you the ultimate way relating to a man in a way that sees you as an exception.  This class is very important because I will delve further into what Cherry is talking about: why most women don’t get the guy.  The Rules and all these other rules/strategies you read out there are based from the place of wanting to control and it will never work with men.  Never ever.  

Only your softness and non reactiveness will do the trick.

The Rules In Dating Katarina Style!

Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship Audio

1. How to be appreciative and understanding without becoming a doormat.

2. How do we know if they are EUM or we created this monster and their response to our reactiveness..

3. When it is time to kick him in the balls? Seems to be a grey area between doormat and not being high drama. How can we correct the little stuff before it turns stuff big enough we need to leave over (i.e. how do we express wants, preferences, minor corrections) within the relationship?

And of course if you hesitate to read my book, please start there right now!  It’s going to be the best investment you’ll ever make as far as your love life is concerned.  You get to work closely with me and that is a privilege cause you won’t find this offer anywhere else and my time is getting more and more limited thanks to my success. 

So get it here:

He’s Really That Into You, He’s Just Not Ready

You can choose the package with 2-week email coaching or email coaching and 20 min Skype session!

MORE: Do Your Inner Work And You Will Always Know How To Deal With Any Man In Any Situation

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

Please share this with the buttons below and if you want free advice please ask me questions on the comment section (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Want to learn more about new dimension of reality and how to access it or to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

Image credit Deposit Photo!


  • Katarina, I know I’ve messed up. I’ve purchased your book, but I’ve lost the link. Long story short, I met a great guy, he was EU, but started opening up to me after a while. I have read several other dating books and found myself leaning back most of the time, and he chased me HARD, it was wonderful, we were falling in love. We had a great four months. Until… he had a trip out of town…I was PMSing that day (lol) and I totally freaked out on him. I went from relaxed girl he was falling in love with, to anxious, insecure lady. He shut down. His shutting down freaked me out even more, to where I started apologizing…*sigh* I wrote two emails telling him how much I appreciated him and how I was sorry for freaking out, but how I also needed a bit of reassurance because I liked him so much…etc. I also sent three texts with feelings all in them. This is after hardly ever initiating texts.

    He didn’t acknowledge or reply to the apology emails or texts. I let a week go by after this, no contact, and then I asked him about a homerepair he was helping me with – it was a genuine need. He took a day to reply, and then it was just two words.

    Four more days go by, no contact. Then today I had a flat tire upon leaving the office. He’s five minutes away…so of course I text him and ask if he can help. No reply.

    Have I messed this up for good?

    • Hi Mina,
      Give him space. If he isn’t contacting you, mirror that behavior. Anything else is just leaning forward. Your behavior when he left was on the needy side and contacting him now with the excuse of home repairs or a flat tire, is again showing your neediness. Give him the space and time to come to you on his terms, not yours.

      Perhaps do a search of your email and find the link to Kat’s book, asap.

      • Thanks robin. Somehow in my brain I justified asking about the repair…and I do hate that I asked him for help with my tire. But he was five minutes away, and he’s was the first that came to mind, unfortunately.

        I found the link. I just hope and pray he comes back eventually so I can be my normal self again.

  • Dear Kat, In following your advice and being this really laid back, fun, open girl, Im worried I’m sending the impression that Im just a good-time girl who wants something casual. We’ve been dating 4 months and although we are sleeping together, I’m not bringing up the exclusivity talk etc. I’m just going with the flow. I’m scared that I have placed myself in this “casual” relationship indefinitely especially since I was willing to sleep with him without a commitment. He is a really nice guy, but is recently divorced and lives in another city. The long distance thing is what made me ok with seeing other people (I still am). We do see each other multiple times a month, and he is moving to my city in a few weeks. So it will be interesting to see what happens then. My main question is, how do I make sure he isn’t looking at me like a casual fling? How do I make him take me seriously? He makes an effort to see me and we go on real dates, he just seems so emotionally closed off. He never shares his feelings about me like most guys do and shows little physical affection. I’m not used to that and am not sure if that’s just how he is or if he is making a point not to get close to me.

    • Katarina Phang

      Jess, this is a typical question tons of women ask me: if we don’t bitch how would a guy respect us? Would you respect anyone who puts demands on you? Ask yourself that. Or would you feel more drawn toward someone who is kind, understanding and relaxed? A man doesn’t need the talk to commit. In fact thousands of come to me in droves cause they talk too much it drives their guys away. Get my book and be the rare woman that men commit to.

  • Well ms. Kat…I’m hoping you can help me out with my situation.. My ex broke up with me in march and I was still kinda still seeing him but not really like once a week he txt me thank u for being the bff but I’ve been the worst bff and he has too much personal n professional issues to keep me hanging on and e hope I find what/deserve and looking for… I got I’m like what going on…he wouldn’t tell me…he says he can’t do this anymore cuz of whatever he of course I go in panic mood tryn to figure it out…hr told me if I keep asking I’m just pushing him away further… So I left him be for a bit…still txtn but not like every day… Just asking how he doing….well recently his brother pass n I was there for him we hung out n what not.. He said he needed time after the service but then I started txtn again n wanting to stop by to check up on him….I guess I shouldn’t have…he txt Sunday n said he wish he could do the same but cant….cuz I told him I was check in up on him cuz I love and care for him… I really do love him and him back cuz he is my bff, he change my world he loved me when I didn’t love myself….he likes when I opened up to him but won’t to me…he says he dnt why he can’t and he can’t think of a reason why he can’t be with me beside he has too much stuff going on right now…he says I’ve been the best relationship for him and he don’t know why…he has been married twice…. We been together lil over an yr.but I feel I’m being needy, emotional, maybe even clingy and its pushing him away…. What can I do to get him back… I’ve been doing research such as the no cantact rule, apologize n accepting the break up….I see that it was me pushing him away because I wouldn’t let him be him…I was always worried especially if I haven’t talk or heard from him in a few days… I want him back because Ive never felt like this way about anyone my longest relationship was 51/2 yrs n I didn’t feel what I feel for my ex… Ive been told that I need to let him miss me than me tryn to bother him… I’m guilty of that…

    • Katarina Phang

      He just lost a brother. A guy can’t care for a relationship when his ducks aren’t in a row. Losing a brother is one of the most chaotic time of his life. So let him heal and you take care of you. He will miss you when he has processed his grief.

      • I will I’ve been tryn to refocus myself and getting back in the groove of things…every now and then I do think of him which is hard not to do…but with this time apart tho I’ve seen where I messed up…I was mad at him for not talking to me…but i see he is a man and he deal with things differently than I do. I had time to reflect

  • Hello Katarina, I’ve been reading your blog and website for a while now and you are truly inspiring
    I really need your advice and help on relationships as I have had several failed relationships. I believe have been anxious, controlling and have leaned forward too much. Here’s a story from my last relationship.
    I met this guy in September 2014 and we had an amazing relationship in which I essentially just leaned back and let him pursue me and at the same time showed appreciation to him. He was amazing and made me feel like a queen. We had sex about 6 weeks after we met and there was so much sexual chemistry.
    Until January 2015, we seemed to have the perfect relationship
    Then one day he told me that he me travelling to the U.S this year for a nine month study program. I guess that is where I started getting anxious. I asked him where this relationship was going to. He said we were definitely gonna talk about this later and then he disappeared for two weeks after that.
    When he came back, he just called me and was talking to me as if nothing ever happened. i felt upset and told him he can’t just disappear from my life and come back expecting things to be the same. He said he was sorry he hurt my ego. It took me about a week for us to slowly get back together.
    And when we did get back together, things were different. We would connect today and he would just go silent for days after that. I would try to mirror him but I didn’t trust him anymore. I became pushy and demanding and sometimes outright judgemental.
    One day i remember texting him and saying that i want him to be more attentive, caring, call more and text more. his reply was this ‘ is that all you want or need? How about how was your day?’
    the days went by and what had been a beautiful relationship began to dwindle so drastically. i began to lose faith in the relationship and started dating other guys; five weeks ago, I broke up with him. I was just fed up with the whole thing.
    Since then I have never contacted him nor him me. But I miss him and feel bad that he has not gotten back to me. I really want him back. It’s been five weeks of no contact and vI have been going on with my life and even on other dates but I just feel like we had a great relationship and could have succeeded had I not brought up the talk. Is there still hope? please i need your help.
    Thanks a million

    • Yes only when you have truly moved on and work on your anxiety. Many women kill a fledgling relationship cause their expectations bring them anxiety. Invest in my book and do the right things with the help of thousands of other women who have been and are in your shoes.

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