The Beauty of Leaning Back in a Relationship -Real Examples

leaning back in a relationship

Leaning back in a relationship, whether it’s brand new or a well established long term or marriage is about releasing control of the outcome.  Many try to make it more complicated than that, but it’s basically just that simple.

Many in Katarina’s group that haven’t been through her helpful coaching groups can’t seem to grasp this.  They want specific information like it’s some sort of rules to leaning back in a relationship. How long should I wait to answer his texts?  How many texts can I initiate and not be seen as leaning forward?

Leaning back is about taking care of yourself first.  It’s not investing more into him than he is into you.  It’s about not having expectations of where things are headed.  It’s about not trying to control him in any way.  Leaning back is like surrendering. Leaning back is about mirroring a man and his level of investment. 

For those that want more specifics about what leaning back behavior is or is not, this article is for you.  I will give you specific examples of what is and what is not considered leaning back in a relationship so he will perceive you as high value and easy to lose (without which a man can’t commit to you).

10 Ways That You May be Leaning Forward with a Man!

  1. You haven’t heard from him in days, maybe weeks so you decide to send him a text.
  2. You have tickets to an fun event so you decide to invite him to come along.
  3. You go to his social media and like his posts and pics.
  4. You ask when will you see him again
  5. You ask him why hasn’t he called
  6. He mentions getting together over the weekend.  It’s lunchtime Friday and you haven’t heard a word, so you text to ask him if you are still on.
  7. He asks you out for a specific night but doesn’t set the time or place.  The day of the date you text him and ask him when and where.
  8. You surprise him with lunch or a gift
  9. You offer to do things for him around his house, like laundry, dishes.
  10. You show up where he is at, uninvited

All of the above are leaning forward in a relationship or with a man.  They are all signs of you trying to control an outcome.  Control doesn’t go over well with men at all.  All of the above are anxious behaviors that cause men to pull away.

All of the above are also you operating from your masculine energy.  When you are in your masculine energy a man doesn’t feel safe.  It’s your feminine energy that causes a man to soften, warm to you and let down his guard.

10 Examples of Leaning Back in a Relationships with a Man!

  1. You never text a man that isn’t texting you.
  2. You have tickets to go to a fun event!  Great!  You call up your girlfriend and ask her.
  3. He is on social media?  You didn’t notice
  4. He hasn’t made plans to see you again?  Oh well, you have a rotation going so you will have dates.
  5. He hasn’t called?  You barely noticed your life is so full
  6. It’s already Friday and he hasn’t confirmed your plans.  Too bad.  You made other plans yesterday.
  7. He didn’t set the time or place?  You already assumed he wasn’t serious and have another date set up.
  8. You don’t give him gifts, you give yourself gifts, like a day at the spa.
  9. You lean back and allow him to do things for you at his house.  Pour your wine, fix you a drink, prepare dinner.  You graciously accept and acknowledge his efforts.
  10. You never just show up on a guy.   What he is doing is none of your business.

When you lean back in a relationship, dating, or exclusive, you detach from the outcome. If he doesn’t follow through on something, you stop giving him a top spot in your life, you downgrade him.  No drama, no anxiety or despair, you just keep it moving.

The drama comes when you nag or pressure him about certain behaviors.  Men see this as you trying to change them and they start to feel they can’t make you happy.  Men want to make you happy and if they feel they can’t, they go find someone that they can easily make happy.  A woman in sync with her feminine energy.

If you find leaning back and letting go of controls, you need to take Katarina’s Leaning Back and Cultivating Feminine Mystique workshop.  Seriously, if you get anxious when things don’t go the way you want or find yourself hurt over it, you need this workshop to get yourself grounded.

MORE: Managing Your Emotional Investment Is Part Of Leaning Back, Here’s How

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  • Hmmm very interesting who copied who. The very same examples of leaning forward and leaning back, in the same order are found in the book that I just read “21 Days to Feminine Magnetism” in the Now Lean Back chapter.

  • He started dating someone new and explained it to me. I took it well but then saw them together and freaked out. He had been texting me to see how I am as we have known each other for three years. When I saw them together and freaked out, I told him it was best we didn’t talk anymore and him not to contact me. He was disappointed but has not contacted me since then and has continued dating new girl. Did I end it the right way or is it a hard boundary and reactive.

    • I have just heard he has broken it off with new girl but now I have cut him off it’s awkward as I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore 🙁 What do I do

      • Just because they’re broken up does not mean he is coming to you or is right for you. You need to lean back and surrender the outcome by concentrating on yourself.
        Right now it sounds like you are too emotionally invested, so hang back and start dating others immediately to get a rotation going. Don’t reach out to him.
        When you start dating others, the benefit is threefold: it will stop you from being obsessed with him which will stop all this nervous energy and repeat of your heartache. You will also be able to judge him more objectively based on others (you may in fact End up discovering he is not a right match for you, and another man may be a better fit). Third, it gives him opportunity to tap into his masculine and lead of that’s what he truly wants: and when he wants it, he’ll value you more if it’s meant to be.
        Good luck.

  • Hey Kat!

    So the EUM man I’ve been on and off with for 7 months did something super shady and got exposed in a lie in front of me and my friends. I really didn’t react at all just was like alright I guess this really just is how things will be with him always and left with my friends in a non dramatic way. He sent a really half hearted apology which I didn’t even reply back to because I knew it was just trying to gloss things over. While I’ve been pissed about what he did, I realized this roller coaster with him isn’t worth the drama anymore. I’ll admit my feminine energy was wack the entire relationship. I hadn’t been going through some stuff in my personal life and trying to hold on to this non relationship that was more drama than rewarding. So I kind of just shut off now, so while I’m pissed about his move he did and dissapointed because obviously I had some care, I’m just trying to put distance so I enjoy other people in my life. Now, He’s been subtle about trying to contact me everyday since but again half heartedly. Like replying to my social media posts or sending me a Snapchat not texts or anything of actual conversation value. I haven’t responded to anything because well, he seemed aware that he made himself look terrible in front of not jus me but also my some of my friends he was meeting for the first time. So I’ve just been silent. He can tell when I don’t respond to things because it lets him know I opened the message.

    So my question is about non responding and feminine energy. He did something dumb, and I’ve just turned off( I used to always accept his apologies after I got to air my grievances) but now I’m like nah, you did it again, your aware, that’s cool, you chose this. Is this me in my feminine energy or am I a bitch when I just stopped reacting or replying.

    Thanks kat!

    • When I say “you did it again, you chose this”

      I mean that’s my mental monologue speaking.
      I haven’t said anything to him except goodbye, have a good night and a smile since that nice that night.

  • What if he asks you out, mine did a few days ago. I also read why men love bitches, if you don’t have a time you don’t have a date! If he tells you he’ll let you know later, you say: I can be busy this week just to be save lets pick a time now.

    So I did, we set a time and a place, he would trappel 2 hours and I would half an hour. Nevertheless, he didn’t text me today but the date was set. So otherwise I would be in the train, or maybe he would he driving towards me without me being there.. Even though there was a time and place! So I did text him stating my train times, suddenly he wanted to change it and ‘let me know later’. At that time I was turned off so I said maybe another time(keeping it open, like men love bitches) he stated 2 hours later: I am so sorry I have a family gathering! He knew he was wrong so I only said: have fun!

    I am turned off with him, but do I lean forward if I want to know a time and date when someone asks me out? Example: i want to see you! Me: when do you want? Him: lets meet up saturday I will text you later with time. Me: I can be busy this week just to be save lets pick a time now.

    • Katarina Phang

      Even if you pick a time now they still can flake. It’s just part of the beast that you’ll meet flaky men. I would at times just shoot a text same day just to make sure we’re still on, something like “looking forward to seeing you today” if time and place has been set but you don’t want to go for nothing. If nothing is set you make plans and or just play by ear without expectations of anything will happen.

  • Kat,
    I have been reading your articles for some times now and I need some reassurance. I reconnected with this guy and we started texting for the past couple months. He mostly initiated contact but because we live a few hours from each other we haven’t gone on a date yet. I recently initiated a text and he replied by calling me. However it has been 4 days and no text from him. I know he will be in town next week but he hasn’t said anything. My friends think I wasn’t engaging enough and he may not know I like him (not sure how). Should I hold out or send him a quick text?

  • Who would win if both are following your advice?

    • Then you don’t go with a feminine energy man or a man who isn’t into you. Nothing will happen and it’s a good thing cause the right men will find you. Why do you want a man who is not interested/lazy/beta?

      • When both are leaning back, my guess is that the woman still wins. Because it’s the woman’s job to lean back and not the man’s job. The man who is leaning back will simply come across as un masculine.

        • No, I mean what happens when two women going for the same man is following your advice.

          • If two women are going for the same man, neither are following Kat’s advice. Kat teaching leaning back, not attaching to a particular outcome. If you are “going” for a man, that is not Kat’s advice!

  • Ignore him! I mean once every two weeks and no contact in between doesn’t exactly show a high level of interest in you. Don’t invest into a man who isn’t investing into you.

    Keep that rotation going and hold out for a man who is showing interest and moving things forward.

  • correction: i have been seeing him for 4-5 months now.

  • Thank you for this article! I have been following your blog for several months now, I love your advice and really agree with it 🙂
    However I’d like to ask what your opinion is in situations where a man notices that a woman leans back and asks her to take more initiative. A specific example I have is about a man I’ve been seeing for a couple of months now who has initiated all our dates (due to my leaning back!) and recently told me he would appreciate it if I initiated a date once in a while as well. This is a man who has made no moves to take our relationship forward, we are in the dating phase and still getting to know each other. He sees me approximately every two weeks, and does not contact me in between dates. It is very clear things are going slowly and I am letting things be (I will not be the one to bring anything up). I have a small rotation going, and I am completely leaning back by applying all your tips. It feels great. But what to respond when a man who isn’t moving a relationship forward asks you to take initiative with dates?


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