How to Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship

stop being controlling in a relationship

A relationship with a man will never be perfect no matter how wonderful he is, but many women still have high standards for how they expect to be treated. They don’t know how to stop being controlling in a relationship and many don’t even realize they are controlling.

When your expectations of a man go unmet or you perceive some wrong doing of his, suddenly he has made a “mistake” or has failed to show you that he cares. However, what we often call a mistake is actually a creation of the mind – it’s the negativity we feel inside ourselves that we attach outside meaning to.

When we allow our minds to draw conclusions from the actions of another, we go into our “fixer-adjuster” mode. This is the moment many women feel compelled to dump all their negative feelings onto their partner and demand that a situation be resolved in a particular way. While this may be well intentioned, the truth of the matter is that this incessant urge to fix and adjust is a form of control.

You may have NEVER thought of yourself as a controlling person, and of course all you want is someone who cares enough to do what will make you feel happy and secure. However, you may not realize that your ego is heavily invested in that desire for security.

The ego is motivated by an urge to keep things a certain way at all times and maintain some sense of dominance; it perceives all kinds of reasons why problems exist and why it’s being treated unfairly. If you notice yourself wanting to control something in your relationship, a good first step is to stop in your tracks to ask yourself a simple question:

Who is in charge? Who is In Control Here?

stop being controlling in relationshipsIt’s a good question for any situation. Who is in charge here? Why should you or he be responsible for the outcome?

If you spend your life expecting someone else to behave in a way that conforms to what you want, imagine what a task that will be for him! Imagine just how easy it will be for him to disappoint you! It’s time to look at this from a different perspective and stop being controlling in a relationship.

Instead of holding on to your desire to fix or change things in your relationship, just stop and do nothing. Just do nothing! Let go of control. Lean back in your relationship. The is your one and only shot at seeing who you’re actually with and what your conflicts are really about. When you stop your mental chatter and constant striving for adjustment and repair in your relationship, you’ll get a beautiful gift: an opportunity to witness reality.

Who are you with? Can you focus on who he is, instead of who you want him to be?

What does he do for you now? Can you appreciate what he is doing, rather than wishing for more?

Are you more interested in the role you demand he plays in your life than in what he already contributes to it?

What role do you play in his life?

When you control, your ego controls you.

Most people only see the world through the eyes of their ego, which means seeing everything you want to change about every guy and every situation, leaving no time to connect with what is. This is the fastest way to make any guy feel disconnected to you. If your guy has done something that has made you feel upset, ask: “Who is in charge?” Realize that there is no power greater than love – when you let go of your desire to control, your ego lets go of its control over you.

When you sit with your emotions and let them pass without taking them so seriously, many things that would normally become conflicts will just disappear! This creates space that used to be filled with your overreactions, and in that space it’s quiet enough to listen to your heart.

Stop Being Controlling in a Relationship by Letting Go of The Outcome!

Do something different this time. Instead of giving in to your fixing habit, try letting everything be as it is and doing whatever is needed for you to feel happy with yourself. Don’t focus at all on how someone else could make you happy. How can you make yourself happy, in this moment?

When you let go of control, you never actually lose anything except your own fantasies. This opens your heart and will melt his in the process because he will sense your trust in him and in your relationship, and that you accept him as he is without needing him to be anything else.

You essentially let him be free – to move your relationship forward, just as he is. The best part in doing that is that you ultimately trust in yourself, too. Then you will be living from your true self, which enables love to grow, thrive, and continue to last.

Trying to control a particular outcome is a way we self sabotage our relationships. If you struggle with letting go of control in your relationship, Katarina’s Journey Inward Audio program

MORE: How to Soften Your Boundaries So You Become Less Controlling And More Irresistible

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Guest blog post by Kimberly Aron, blogger at Live and Love Zen!


Photo Credit by Deposit Photo


  • kat this article is awesome….I can see where I have been angry with my eum because…I want him to be a certain way…I have been listening to allan watts and he talks about letting go of control…and it reminds me of you always telling me to let go of control be light be empty…thanks kat I am starting to get it…I feel happier now…I see myself…and why I try to do that…now I can let it go and enjoy myself..

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