Should I Tell Him All My Feelings And Everything That Bothers Me With Feeling Messages?

should i tell him how i feel

The belief that we women need and are entitled to express anything and everything we feel anytime they arise is why many of us have problems relating with men.  What doesn’t help either is when women are being told to be “authentic” by expressing themselves anytime they want to and bring up whatever subject that comes up in their head or whatever small thing that bothers them.  As long as they are expressed in feeling messages, it should be fine.  Not so.  Feeling messages don’t give you the license to berate your partner every time you feel like it. 

My client told me about her frustration that her husband didn’t call her as much as she wanted him to since they live in different states for the time being.  She always readily told him how she felt with feeling messages as she had been a disciple of Rori Raye for a while.  But it didn’t seem to work.

She wrote me, “I spoke in feeling messages calmly… I’m not a person who yells or curses but I will express how I feel and he will respond  “I don’t know what to tell you.”  Yes I return his calls and the few times I haven’t because I was sleeping.  But he is so laid back and such a go-with-the-flow type of guy that thought its great it’s sometimes annoying because nothing gets to him… He is fine with anything.  And it sucks because I know my unhappiness deters him from calling more yet my frustration wins all the time.  I hold it in and hold it in and I feel good expressing my feelings and then feel crappy later.”

Here’s the problem that I think rampant among women: the belief that we women need and are entitled to express anything and everything we feel anytime they arise is why many of us have problems relating with men.  What doesn’t help either is when women are being told to be “authentic” by expressing themselves anytime they want to and bring up whatever subject that comes up in their head or whatever small thing that bothers them.  As long as they are expressed in feeling messages, it should be fine.

Not so.

Really, ladies, work on your neuroses first then perhaps you don’t have so many upset feelings you need to share and air in the first place. Sometimes silence is really golden and men respond better to our silence than our expression of yet another hurt feeling (yawn…it’s getting really old you know to hear that day in day out).

That is what girlfriends are for.  Talk to them.

I heard not only from this particular client but also some other women how they have practiced feeling messages that such coach advocates but their men don’t really respond even when they express them without attacking (which feeling messages are all about).

Sure they don’t if they hear them every 5 secs!

That just makes you really whiney and self-centered when you say “I feel sad, I feel this, I feel that…” Who needs to hear that like you are the only ones with feelings/problems?  And the actual gist of it is still the same: “You need to change.”

Here is another recent example from a new client who found me after trying everyone else:

“Her feeling messages lost me my relationship.  He wasn’t perfect but it would have worked if I was more patient and hadn’t vomited my feelings and needs. I still cringe.

I blew up on a cancelled Sat night. He reached out three days later saying he knew we needed to talk and he would call me. I apologized for my blow up and said I was away for two weeks so take some time and decide what you want. He didn’t call so I sent a feeling message email and got “wow.. what can I say, life got in the way of life” and never heard from him again.”

I don’t mind it at all in moderation when you really have to. And I agree that feeling messages are the much better way to express hurt feelings, especially, without blaming.  Still you have to pick your battles. Feeling messages don’t give you the license to berate your partner every time you feel like it.  It still won’t feel good to him just because you rephrase it in different wording if you are excessively doing it. You still have to process your own feelings on your own without expecting him to always want to hear them and sooth you.  That still feels needy.

The belief that feeling messages will solve all your communication and connection problems with your partner is pretty misleading and the obstacle to your personal growth. What works better as I have said time and again is removing all expectations and learning to not need anything to be a certain way for you to feel okay about yourself.

Try to put yourself in his shoes for a change. How would you feel if someone you care keeps complaining about how sad, how mistrustful, how upset they feel 24/7. It doesn’t matter how you put it it sounds pretty blaming after a while.

I got the feelings most women who take that advice to heart really believe that they are entitled to express their feelings and men should feel okay about that.  Listen up, girls, sometimes there is a lot more that transpires in not saying anything.  Balance!

Feeling messages won’t work if you still hold on expectations. When I told these women to remove expectations first, voila their men changed overnight!! 

There is a time for vulnerability. But being vulnerable 24/7 is shouting “I’m emotionally a basket case!” from the rooftop.  Vulnerability has to be balanced with sunny and happy and easy-to-please.

Here are some objections I often hear about holding no expectations: “If you have no expectations, then seems to me you will take crumbs. Then we’re right back to the whole doormat thing.  And we are not being authentic and expressing feelings. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expectations, and you can’t force yourself not to have them, maybe its more in the way you express yourself around them. But pretending just doesn’t feel right in general. All I’m saying is that sweeping everything under the rug and pretending everything is fine is not the way to go. Precarious house of cards.”

It does make sense on the surface, right? I’m not saying get away with any deal breaker. Define your deal breakers, the things you can’t really do WITHOUT and lump the rest to the “expectations” box.

And when all said and done, the thing that the statement above overlooks is once expectations are gone there is no such problem to be swept under the rug in the first place!

Again, be Zen about it and find the truth by yourself through direct experience instead of intellectualizing it.

People with no expectations are peaceful and most gracious, easiest people to be with. They are lovable and inspire more love from people around them. The more they see results through this stance, the less they need to hold any expectation about anything.

Their life is flowing moment to moment without inner conflict and resistance.

They are happiest people because they take control of their own happiness by letting go of all urges to be controlling which is a repelling vibe in any relationship.  If that’s the vibe you hold NO AMOUNT of feeling messages are going to change that or make him want to come closer to you and give you what you want.

Of course all women want what we want.  We want our man to call often, to text back as soon as he get the message, take us out and bring us to his friends and family, celebrate all holidays together as a couple and to grant every special treatment a boyfriend is supposed to give to the woman he loves!  

Don’t feel bad about wanting them. I do too.  Wanting isn’t the issue here, but expecting him to do it each time you want it is… and that potentially makes you unhappy most of the time.

With my client above, as soon as she removed the expectations that her husband called her at least twice a day, her vibe changed and with it her husband called more often without being told to.  That happens because now each time he calls, it no longer becomes a drama of her expressing her hurt feelings because he hasn’t called and she feels lonely, etc.

She said excitedly, “Kat, I’ve eliminated all expectations and my husband is all over me and I love it! As you know we don’t live together so I woke up to an email saying that he was awake thinking of me and how he is so in love and how much he is loving this feeling. My question to you is how do I respond to emails and texts like this? A simple “aaaah thank you?” What I really want to say is how I love when he does these things… Point is what is my role so that this continues?”

What I have learnt throughout the years: men don’t respond to expectations and punishment (when those expectations aren’t met).  They respond to REWARDS.  So yes reward him with thank you’s, compliments and your big smile each time he does something that pleases you no matter how tiny it is.  That’s the only thing that will make him addicted to always want to give you what you want.  Because he makes you happy.  He wants you to be happy more than anything in the world.

He feels successful as a man when he makes his woman happy.  Your constant hurt feelings emasculate him and they don’t make him feel safe being with you.  They are scared by that and it’s not hard to understand why.  So how can you expect him to move the relationship forward if the relationship is seriously lacking the one thing that he needs as a man?

MORE: What’s Better than Feeling Messages to Make Him Want to Be Closer to You

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  • I have read Rori’s advice for two years.I tried the feeling messages and they went well(not miracles, ok).But some men with sensitive egos in my life responded well in the moment.

    Rori doesn’t say to use them all day long.She says to use them when we want to express our feelings,instead of bottling them up.

    I had a friend that each time I used the word ‘feel’ he would react immediately with ‘oh..feel..feel..say think,say other words’ but it maybe is because he has many narcissistic traits(sorry for labelling ).

    I appreciate and love Rori and I appreciate your point and I admire you ,Katarina!

    One very strange thing happened with FM for me;
    One guy we had ‘history’ with,showed a strange pattern in communication that confused me a lot.

    So (having not used FM’s with him or expecting anything-our history didnt let space for expectations) i told him that i feel disrespected when such and such happens.

    He had an amazing response by telling me ‘this is easy .I can do this and that and fix it’

    And then disappeared for weeks till now!!

    **He is a very conscious person and understands when and what comes across with each word he says and move he makes and he acts unpredictably depending on what he wants to show.
    ex. If he realizes that his words make you feel sure for his feelings,he may turn them in a nanosecond and tell you ‘BTW you don’t look beautiful’.

    I need your eBook Kat (yesterday) and I know it.I am gathering money.

    • Lot of (former) feeling message users are in my group and nobody has told a success story using this tool. Most were dumped after a while…so there you go. I’m the Queen of what is. not a belief, idea or idealism. Telling a guy you barely know who’s trying to invest in you your upset feelings for the imperfection he does like the one you mentioned above will surely send him for the hills. It just shows how ungrateful and hard to please you are.

      • So,you see what I avoid to admit? That I am dumped??
        Did I get it right?

        Fortunately I didn’t invest in him this time!

        My IQ is so dysfunctional when it comes to men.

        Thank you for your reply!

  • Well I have written him an apology letter and with maybe some feelings I believe.. I thought it was good ideas since I’m writing such letters to others in my life to move as well my ex is not the only one. But ms. Kat since you are saying that’s a bad idea. What am I do now? I have not reach out at all since the last Ive seen which is now a week now and I’m letting go of all expectations because the ball in his court and I’ve been feeling better about myself as well. He does cross my mind but I know I must lean back and do even less now

  • Hello wonderful ladies (and gents), I would like to thank Katarina Phang for her wonderful free advice, blog and group. I have not read her book YET, but I’m changing so much thanks to her brilliant advice and radiant paradigm.

    I did everything wrong in my relationship of 3 and a half years, and turned this amazing Prince Charming into a Frog/ EUM. I followed my therapist’s advice and practiced my feeling messages and stated my genuine needs from him/the relationship, aka hardening of the boundaries. As you can all guess, this caused him to go silent, and eventually tell me he is pulling away because he is considering us being just friends – he is not sure he can give me what I need in this time of his life, and at the end he added: “but you know how much I care about you”.

    I am now wiser and I am practicing “surrendering to the radiance of my femininity”, working on my myself, and being happy and emotionally free. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Yet, it’s been over a week, and no sign. Do you ladies think I still have a chance for him to return to me? This has been the best opportunity for me to “make a lemonade from the lemon the universe has thrown at me”, as Katarina says, but we really had potential, great chemistry, passion, and similar values. I really love this man – he has loved me and accepted me while I showed the worst part of myself in the past.
    Thank you! I wish you all a great time while following “the path of the Goddess”!


    • Katarina Phang

      Welcome, Marisa. What genuine needs were you expressing and how they could wreck your relationship if it/he was so great?

      • I was very needy, clingy and made my happiness his responsibility and he slowly gave less and less as I leaned in and tried to control the outcome of everything. He has been great, except lately, he has been giving less and becoming distant and no longer making me a priority in his free time, I was encouraged to share that I need more of his time, that I need more of his attention and affectionate gestures. The truth is, I texted him all the time, loong paragraphs, I had no life of mine and all my free time was dedicated to him. I suffocated him. He is still in college and he is diligent and dedicated to his studies, which is a wonderful thing. But he told me he does not know if he has the time and energy to invest in the kind of relationship and attention I need, at this time in his life. Thank you!

        • Katarina Phang

          Please read my book to remind you whenever you relapse. My clients read it many times each time they need to be reminded that their old ways haven’t worked and will never work and why.

          And here is another example of excessive feeling messages going awry, ladies. Just FM without working on your issues and making yourself happy will only cause him to run for the nearest hills.

          Pick your battles and you can say it as it is such as “You’re an ass. You are annoying.” 🙂

          More about this communication thing is discussed in great detail my new program: Four Components Of Melting A Man’s Heart.

          • I think that feeling messages when you are not grounded and at peace with yourself are like “constructive criticism” which is still criticism. I really agree with Katarina’s take on this. Believe me, I’ve tried otherwise for the past 3 years. It did not work. I am single. I wish I had known this earlier.

    • Wow. I can relate to your situation and what you have gone through almost to a T! I am recently separated from my daughters father, a relationship of 4 years, and he is a wonderful man and father to our lil girl. We could have been so happy and made an amazing life together but I too did Everything wrong:( And struggle with very low self esteem. I am now ofcourse single and on my own and could use advice and help with improving my inner self and finding strength and happiness within Me! I’ve seen and read all these post and comments from u ladies and it seems like there’s a lot of healthy feedback and seems to be helping a lot of you so I’d like to be included. Thanks:)

  • Just using FM on a man without any pre-grand work by which you should have made him feel happy and good around you, he will not feel more attracted to you.

    Again the No1 goal is establish connection and attraction 1st, not by releasing too much emotional stuff. Thats the mistake of purly relying on FM instead of improving yourself as a better / whole package deal girl.

    • Thank you, fishpie and you got it right. It’s about being the best version of yourself. Until a guy has claimed you, being so upfront about your emotional stuff especially in the matter of how you want him to move the relationship forward (call/text more, etc) will only put pressure on him. FM do work when you need to express your anguish in a relationship/marriage (or even dating situation when it’s warranted, not for matters that sound like you are bringing up the talk).

  • Hi I really appreciated this post. That dating coach says in one of her programs to go with the good feeling when you have a choice between expressing good feelings of appreciation and “bad” feelings. But she doesn’t stress that enough. What you say makes sense though. Positive reinforcement with a man invokes more positive experiences. If we’re complaining every second, even with FMs, he will become exhausted and think he can’t make us happy! Besides expressing every little feeling also takes away from our feminine mystery, don’t you agree?

    • Rochelle, yes…yes! That’s exactly what I mean. Guys thrive on making us happy. Of course there are times when you’re not feeling too happy, granted all of us go through that. Before too readily jumping in expressing those feelings *each and every time*, in my opinion, as an adult you have to be able to process those feelings on your own first. If this is chronic, then it’s something you need to work on. Obviously the glasses you are wearing don’t fit. Those cause you to see the world in the ways that are upsetting to you. Look into them. Work on replacing those dysfunctional glasses. I don’t see that addressed at all in her blog. Instead what I see is the unconditional encouragement to indulge in feeling messages day in day out. Nobody speaks in feeling messages 24/7. And no man will find it appealing either.

      Thank you for commenting.

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