Should I Tell Him All My Feelings And Everything That Bothers Me With Feeling Messages?
The belief that we women need and are entitled to express anything and everything we feel anytime they arise is why many of us have problems relating with men. What doesn’t help either is when women are being told to be “authentic” by expressing themselves anytime they want to and bring up whatever subject that comes up in their head or whatever small thing that bothers them. As long as they are expressed in feeling messages, it should be fine. Not so. Feeling messages don’t give you the license to berate your partner every time you feel like it.
My client told me about her frustration that her husband didn’t call her as much as she wanted him to since they live in different states for the time being. She always readily told him how she felt with feeling messages as she had been a disciple of Rori Raye for a while. But it didn’t seem to work.
She wrote me, “I spoke in feeling messages calmly… I’m not a person who yells or curses but I will express how I feel and he will respond “I don’t know what to tell you.” Yes I return his calls and the few times I haven’t because I was sleeping. But he is so laid back and such a go-with-the-flow type of guy that thought its great it’s sometimes annoying because nothing gets to him… He is fine with anything. And it sucks because I know my unhappiness deters him from calling more yet my frustration wins all the time. I hold it in and hold it in and I feel good expressing my feelings and then feel crappy later.”
Here’s the problem that I think rampant among women: the belief that we women need and are entitled to express anything and everything we feel anytime they arise is why many of us have problems relating with men. What doesn’t help either is when women are being told to be “authentic” by expressing themselves anytime they want to and bring up whatever subject that comes up in their head or whatever small thing that bothers them. As long as they are expressed in feeling messages, it should be fine.
Really, ladies, work on your neuroses first then perhaps you don’t have so many upset feelings you need to share and air in the first place. Sometimes silence is really golden and men respond better to our silence than our expression of yet another hurt feeling (yawn…it’s getting really old you know to hear that day in day out).
That is what girlfriends are for. Talk to them.
I heard not only from this particular client but also some other women how they have practiced feeling messages that such coach advocates but their men don’t really respond even when they express them without attacking (which feeling messages are all about).
Sure they don’t if they hear them every 5 secs!
That just makes you really whiney and self-centered when you say “I feel sad, I feel this, I feel that…” Who needs to hear that like you are the only ones with feelings/problems? And the actual gist of it is still the same: “You need to change.”
Here is another recent example from a new client who found me after trying everyone else:
“Her feeling messages lost me my relationship. He wasn’t perfect but it would have worked if I was more patient and hadn’t vomited my feelings and needs. I still cringe.
I blew up on a cancelled Sat night. He reached out three days later saying he knew we needed to talk and he would call me. I apologized for my blow up and said I was away for two weeks so take some time and decide what you want. He didn’t call so I sent a feeling message email and got “wow.. what can I say, life got in the way of life” and never heard from him again.”
I don’t mind it at all in moderation when you really have to. And I agree that feeling messages are the much better way to express hurt feelings, especially, without blaming. Still you have to pick your battles. Feeling messages don’t give you the license to berate your partner every time you feel like it. It still won’t feel good to him just because you rephrase it in different wording if you are excessively doing it. You still have to process your own feelings on your own without expecting him to always want to hear them and sooth you. That still feels needy.
The belief that feeling messages will solve all your communication and connection problems with your partner is pretty misleading and the obstacle to your personal growth. What works better as I have said time and again is removing all expectations and learning to not need anything to be a certain way for you to feel okay about yourself.
Try to put yourself in his shoes for a change. How would you feel if someone you care keeps complaining about how sad, how mistrustful, how upset they feel 24/7. It doesn’t matter how you put it it sounds pretty blaming after a while.
I got the feelings most women who take that advice to heart really believe that they are entitled to express their feelings and men should feel okay about that. Listen up, girls, sometimes there is a lot more that transpires in not saying anything. Balance!
Feeling messages won’t work if you still hold on expectations. When I told these women to remove expectations first, voila their men changed overnight!!
There is a time for vulnerability. But being vulnerable 24/7 is shouting “I’m emotionally a basket case!” from the rooftop. Vulnerability has to be balanced with sunny and happy and easy-to-please.
Here are some objections I often hear about holding no expectations: “If you have no expectations, then seems to me you will take crumbs. Then we’re right back to the whole doormat thing. And we are not being authentic and expressing feelings. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expectations, and you can’t force yourself not to have them, maybe its more in the way you express yourself around them. But pretending just doesn’t feel right in general. All I’m saying is that sweeping everything under the rug and pretending everything is fine is not the way to go. Precarious house of cards.”
It does make sense on the surface, right? I’m not saying get away with any deal breaker. Define your deal breakers, the things you can’t really do WITHOUT and lump the rest to the “expectations” box.
And when all said and done, the thing that the statement above overlooks is once expectations are gone there is no such problem to be swept under the rug in the first place!
Again, be Zen about it and find the truth by yourself through direct experience instead of intellectualizing it.
People with no expectations are peaceful and most gracious, easiest people to be with. They are lovable and inspire more love from people around them. The more they see results through this stance, the less they need to hold any expectation about anything.
Their life is flowing moment to moment without inner conflict and resistance.
They are happiest people because they take control of their own happiness by letting go of all urges to be controlling which is a repelling vibe in any relationship. If that’s the vibe you hold NO AMOUNT of feeling messages are going to change that or make him want to come closer to you and give you what you want.
Of course all women want what we want. We want our man to call often, to text back as soon as he get the message, take us out and bring us to his friends and family, celebrate all holidays together as a couple and to grant every special treatment a boyfriend is supposed to give to the woman he loves!
Don’t feel bad about wanting them. I do too. Wanting isn’t the issue here, but expecting him to do it each time you want it is… and that potentially makes you unhappy most of the time.
With my client above, as soon as she removed the expectations that her husband called her at least twice a day, her vibe changed and with it her husband called more often without being told to. That happens because now each time he calls, it no longer becomes a drama of her expressing her hurt feelings because he hasn’t called and she feels lonely, etc.
She said excitedly, “Kat, I’ve eliminated all expectations and my husband is all over me and I love it! As you know we don’t live together so I woke up to an email saying that he was awake thinking of me and how he is so in love and how much he is loving this feeling. My question to you is how do I respond to emails and texts like this? A simple “aaaah thank you?” What I really want to say is how I love when he does these things… Point is what is my role so that this continues?”
What I have learnt throughout the years: men don’t respond to expectations and punishment (when those expectations aren’t met). They respond to REWARDS. So yes reward him with thank you’s, compliments and your big smile each time he does something that pleases you no matter how tiny it is. That’s the only thing that will make him addicted to always want to give you what you want. Because he makes you happy. He wants you to be happy more than anything in the world.
He feels successful as a man when he makes his woman happy. Your constant hurt feelings emasculate him and they don’t make him feel safe being with you. They are scared by that and it’s not hard to understand why. So how can you expect him to move the relationship forward if the relationship is seriously lacking the one thing that he needs as a man?
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