Take Your Power Back In Relationship By Knocking Him Off The Pedestal

Shadow hugging and shadow boxing are two kinds of shadow projection that we habitually engage in without realizing it every waking moment of our lives.  Realization of this ego movement of self-deception opens the gate toward wholeness.  And this is how you knock him off the pedestal and take your power back in relationship.

Whoever thought that most of us live in a projected world?  Most people aren’t even aware how their mind actually acts like a projector.  It keeps projecting who you are inside to the blank canvass that the world is.

You narrate your existence through this projection…all is your own imagination.

The mind is dreaming.  The dreaming mind continuously projects and distorts what is.  It can’t see things as they are as it’s attached to fantasy and desire.  It starts coloring everything it sees according to its attachment.

That is how you put someone on the pedestal or in this post we call it “shadow hugging.”

Shadow hugging is basically the ego movement toward an idealized version of ourselves that we project on a person who represents those ideals in our head.  We don’t know that we’re actually a little nicer (more fabulous, more moral) than we think we are because we are already possessing those positive traits we see in the other person.

Shadow boxing, on the other hand, is the opposite of shadow hugging: it’s the ego movement away or against the rejected part of ourselves that we project on a person who stimulates that rejection of the very trait(s) we’re trying hard to dissociate with.  We don’t know that we’re actually a little nastier than we think we are because we are also already possessing those negative traits we see in the other person.

And in the grand scheme of things those nice and nasty labels have no inherent reality separate from the labelers/projectors.  What is nice to one can be nasty to others, and vice versa.  Heroes to one are villains to others.  We can always watch this polarity in our own daily lives, if we’re not too involved taking a fixed position and trying to defend it at all costs.

Both are a sign of denial of parts of our whole self.  In shadow hugging you aren’t aware that you are already whole as the person “you’re hugging.”  You exaggerate their quality because you don’t think you’re as worthy.  The direct seeing/realization that they are just as human and ordinary as you is what cures you from the predicament.

However, to many people, shadow hugging leads to shadow boxing thanks to the disillusionment that ensues.  Instead of embracing their inherent wholesomeness they feel duped and cheated on and start doing the exact opposite what they’ve been doing: condemning.

This is the brief history of all “fallen gurus” disillusionments.  People project their desires, wishful thinkings, imaginations, fantasy, conceptions and expectations of an enlightened being, dreams, idealizations on mere mortals, how enlightened they may be.

They don’t know enlightenment doesn’t mean a sanitized human.  Enlightenment in fact is the very embrace of all opposites because opposites are mere projection of an unenlightened mind itself.  Opposites are relative and need each other to exist.

In shadow boxing, by the same token, you aren’t aware that you are as flawed as the person you’re fighting.  You overlook the very same trait you despise that you perceive in them in yourself.  You have been that person many times over but you aren’t aware enough or detached enough to recognize it.

Hence, the nature of the ego is always self-deception in both directions: exaggeration of other people’s or our own strengths or flaws.

When we exaggerate our own flaws (undermine our own strengths and accomplishments), we end up in shadow hugging.

When we exaggerate other people’s flaws (undermine our own flaws and weaknesses), we end up in shadow boxing.

It’s because the ego thrives in comparison.  The only way it can safely say that the other person is totally bad, by comparing it to the not-so-bad self and vice versa.

A whole person will be aware of this ego tendency and they will just take note of the ego movement toward either direction.  So the point is not to lose the ego, but to disempower it. It just becomes random noises not worth entertaining.

And this realization didn’t crystallize for me until I met my soul mentor Ken Wilber early June this year in his loft as a part of the Integral Life event (you can join the like minds by being a member of Integral Life here).  Like everyone else I had an idea -some kind of expectations if you like- of what this recluse “super human” would be like.

I have two soul mentors: him and Osho.  Both are geniuses in their own fields.  Both are, of course, controversial (both have disillusioned many, exactly why we have this conversation).  One is a super analytical academician, the other is an intrepreter of the inner working of the mind par excellence.  One is my left brain (Wilber), the other is my right brain (Osho). One is my yin, the other is my yang.  One is my inner poet, the other is my inner scientist.  One is dead, one is alive so I had to meet the living one, especially because he had been sickly the past few years.

I called him the living Buddha.  I had known him for 19 years through his writings and he’d been influential in my growth.

I learned the terms of shadow hugging and shadow boxing from him as well and ironically it takes meeting him for me to fully grasp the former.

Like every pundit, guru, or enlightened being -or any celebrity and luminary period- he has his own detractors (not to mention admirers like myself).  People who vehemently not only criticize his work but also judge his personhood.  And granted, most of these critics hardly know this guy apart from his public persona through his speeches and writings.

In quite the same way, those who admire him don’t have a clue what he’s like in everyday’s life either.  They just magnify whatever great qualities that they identify with  and turn them into a one dimensional caricature of the real and complex (multidimensional) person (same way when you’re shadow boxing someone).  Most likely like everyone else he farts, poops and burps. 🙂

Only through being in the same room, direct interaction with him and talking with people who work with/for him or see him every day, I shattered my own projection.

He’s just like me and everyone else (to that I actually told him personally as we shook hands, “You are the original face I had before my parents were born.”)

I’ve been on both ends: the one being shadow hugged/boxed or the one who is doing the hugging and boxing.  And as a receiver of this projection, it has nothing to do with me, as much as it’s about the projector.

In the word of my other soul mentor Osho, “People will love me. People will hate me. Both are without my participation.”

Enlightenment is simply about being natural.  And what is natural will look different from one person to the next and only one thing that signifies it: the state of no resistance.  Every enlightened being lives without an ounce of resistance.  The oneness with everything that is is what it’s all about.

Wholeness is what ends the resistance.  When you are whole, you are no longer crippled.  You are centered as you have re-integrated all of your splintered personalities that catapult you onto a higher place with a much wider vantage point.  The 360 degree vantage point gives you deep penetration into human nature and clarity most people don’t possess.  Hence, you no longer suffer…because you understand.

When you study yourself, you study the whole of mankind.

You accept your humanity so fully.  You are at peace with every part of yourself.  And when you’re at peace you don’t fight and when you don’t fight, illusion will remain illusion because:

“Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.” ~A Course in Miracles

What you resist persists, what you embrace dissolves.

The same phenomena we see everyday in dating and relationship.  Remember the time(s) when you put a guy on a pedestal, like he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread or vacuum cleaners?  And how you make yourself so worry sick about not being with him?  You practically give your power away and where does it usually lead: yup, a heartbreak.

Then all of a sudden he went from God’s gift to women to a Narcissist (yup that’s many women’s favorite label on guys who break their hearts these days).

Hence, there is no better vehicle for growth than relationship because you literally can watch your own ego movement and the web of self-deception you weave every single day that your partner help you see.  The capacity for watchfulness of our own inner reaction is a rare skill the vast majority of people don’t have.

So start watching your attachments (what you run toward) and aversions (what you run away from).

If you don’t feel safe it’s a sign you need to reassure yourself, give comfort to yourself, to be more independent and self-sufficient. If you’re so sensitive of other people’s or your partner’s thoughts and opinions, it’s a sign you need to grow thick skin. When you feel bullied it’s a sign you need to stand up for yourself. If you feel judged, maybe you are indeed judged yet when you know yourself that won’t faze you so do you know yourself? Do you accept yourself? Or do you judge yourself constantly?

Whatever you feel among people and within your relationship and if that’s a recurring theme tells you sides of you you need to cultivate and embrace.

In that regard my ongoing latest Module 5 Salvation Through Relationship will guide you toward this self-realization and reintegration of your splintered personalities or denied parts of yourself.  We’re currently going to have our second class (if you sign up today you can start listening to the first class: What Is Salvation).

It is like the sequel of Module 1 Journey Inward.  Sign up for both and you will learn so much about yourself.

And it will be the focal point of the retreat as well.  So those of you who are still wavering about whether or not to come to the retreat, remember that what you will learn in the intimate setting of my own home will define your sense of fulfillment within yourself for the rest of your life.  That is the one skill and knowledge that will save you from yourself.  So sign up here and gain self-knowledge in a relaxed, idyllic, fun and safe environment (on top of the over $500 bonuses in programs I may not re-offer in the future).


Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  I have just added a new bonus teleclass you don’t want to miss: “How Feminine Magnetism Is The Solution to Every Relationship Problem You Have.”

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