Why No Sex Before Commitment Turns Into A Power Struggle That Stalls Your Relationship

Are you determined to employ the no sex before commitment policy?  I’m telling you, you’re doing yourself and your relationship a disservice.  If you understand how a guy comes to the decision to commit you won’t even entertain that useless piece of advice. Demanding commitment before sex is creating unnecessary obstacles toward the organic blooming of a relationship.  It is fear and control-based and the antithesis of the organic flowering of a relationship.  It doesn’t work not because the lack of sex.  It doesn’t work because the power struggle that ensues.  You are luring with vinegar, instead of honey.  You are stalling your relationship to progress big time that way.

“Dear Kat,

I am just writing to thank you for your very effective advice and let you know the realizations I have made since coming across your teachings. You have helped me to change my life in a profound way.

(A random funny thing – I listen to your audios at moments when I feel my anxiety creeping up, and quite a few times the audios were pleasantly interrupted by my guy ringing me.)

Since May when I discovered you, I’ve shifted from my old frame of mind, which was to be fearful and constantly on guard. I had boundaries and expectations that were somewhat rigid and I felt something wasn’t natural, yet I didn’t know any other way to “protect” myself than to enforce those.

I was carefree when I first met my guy in February as I had zero expectations that I would get into a relationship anytime soon. But after we had such a great time, I quickly shifted into anxiety within twenty four hours, which I think caused him to hold back for some months despite our chemistry.

During that time, I also followed advice from Evan Marc Katz regarding sex. I followed it because I cared too much and I wasn’t evaluating the guy or the relationship for my own good – I was simply anxious to get myself a boyfriend. This skewed all of my behaviors. I remember coming across your advice earlier this year, and wondering how anyone could be ok with sex without commitment. I rejected it and labelled your approach as too “easy” and “low on expectations”.

Little did I know that that was exactly it. To be less emotionally attached and hung up about the non-essential things. There was no point keeping to arbitrary rules when I wasn’t clear about what was essentially important to myself.

Just a brief update on my relationship. I think I can call it that now. Who knows what happens in the future but I can now confidently take one day at a time and cherish what I have at this moment. Since May, I’ve consciously tried to relax and go with the flow. I’ve rotated my guy.

When I wrote to you in August, I had the strangest anxiety about my birthday coming up but his not having ever asked me when it is. Lo and behold, once I ceased bothering about it, out of the blue, he suddenly asked me when it was.

The day itself, I was upset that he didn’t seem to have anything planned. But he had in fact bought a very carefully chosen present and cake and surprised me with them. Soon after, he involved me with choosing a new apartment, and even wanted me along for signing the lease, collecting keys, buying furniture and all that.

The next step was handing me a set of his house keys, and even offering that I could use his apartment when he is traveling. Finally he told me that his neighbor “also has a girlfriend” and repeated that with a smile when I merely coolly acknowledged the first time he said it.

I am still puzzled by his limited contact when he is overseas but it no longer bothers me much for some reason – I will let him lead. Also he hasn’t introduced me to his family but I’m no longer in any hurry at all and prefer to savor the surprises if things do unfold in that manner sometime in the unforeseen future. Meanwhile I have more important things to focus on in my life.

Funnily, my ex fiancé who cheated on me last year has started to try to get back with me. I just had a long chat with him on the phone and he remarked at the end that I seem to have changed and become more emotionally detached. It scared him that I have evolved with time, but I see his comment as a good thing :).

Thank you Kat for all you have done for me.” 

Selena signed up for my email coaching back in July with the same problem every woman who found me has.

She’s right, I’m different to everyone else. I don’t give generic advice you find everywhere on the net like withholding sex or making sex a bargaining chip. That’s why I stand out as a coach. My solid track record speaks of powerful my teachings are. It’s like clockwork. It’s 2 + 2 = 4. These results are unheard of, online or offline.

No Sex Before Commitment Does Not Help Him Open Emotionally

withholding sexI have written about my view on sex before and this is just another evidence that sex isn’t your enemy.  Sex isn’t why guys won’t commit (in fact if you withhold it, it will be a deal breaker for them) but you won’t get to hear about this fact from many coaches out there because most people are sheep.  They follow what is “right.”  And right or wrong is often defined by consensus (norm), not fact or reality or self-exploration/discovery.

The generic advice out there is replete with sex phobia that only triggers more expectations and thus anxiety in many women who first and foremost need reassurance that there is nothing wrong with sex and there is nothing wrong to want to connect sexually with a guy they adore and hope to have a relationship with.

It’s not the same as “giving up cookies for fear that a guy might bolt.”

It’s about not having fear either way period.   If you fear he will not commit unless you use sex as a bargaining chip you are already stalling the process.  Big time.

As a matter of fact, men connect emotionally through sex.  Most people/coaches harp on the fact that men can compartmentalize sex and love (many women can too), however it’s only half the truth.  Men connect on a deeper level with the woman they like/love through physical intimacy aka sex.  So removing it from the equation is like shooting yourself in the foot.

The natural way is for you not to have sex with guys you don’t want a relationship with and yet most relationship advice out there is the exact opposite (have sex only with guys you don’t want a relationship with).  That’s how stupid it is.  No surprise, I keep getting clients who have hit rock bottom after years of implementing advice that doesn’t work.

Yes many relationships happen through platonic friendship first but they weren’t planned that way.  When you try to secure an outcome by employing certain rules and tactic just because you compare your relationship to other people’s that is when you are doing yourself and your relationship a disservice.

Relationship happens when and in the manner you least expect it so just let go of any attempt to control either way.

Demanding No Sex Before Commitment is About Control

no sex before commitmentAnd if you understand the process of how a guy commits you won’t even demand this sort of thing.  It leads nowhere.  There are many women in my group who get the verbal commitment with no actions to back it up.  It’s of no use whatsoever.

Accepting that there is no guarantee is the ONLY way for a healthy relationship to grow.

Do you want to learn more about it?  Please get my book and study it.  You won’t be disappointed cause the principles I teach have resulted in 44 engagements so far (32 of which happened this year alone: it’s like 3 engagements/month).

Forcing a rule of no sex before commitment is an attempt to control a relationship.  A bad one at that and it rarely works save for the beta guys you have no interest in.  So one way to attract beta guys is by practicing no sex before commitment.

Sex is a vehicle for bonding to two people who are into each other but the expectations after sex are always what create the obstacles, not the sex itself.  Sex can only help if you are whole.

And what I teach is a way toward wholeness, not coddling or what you want to hear.

Practicing no sex before commitment is creating unnecessary obstacles toward the organic blooming of a relationship.  I’m the main advocate of trusting in the process.  Of allowing a relationship to unfold organically, without planning and scheming, without fear nor expectations.

Of all the women who come to me who try to impose commitment before sex -save the religious ones who get religious guys with the same values on sex-, none has had success to get what they want (hence they ended up with me in the first place).  Quite the opposite, in fact.

The no-sex-without-commitment becomes a power struggle that pushes guys away even further.  Bonding fails to launch thanks to that calculative nature and manipulation.  It reeks control and non trusting in a man and yourself.

Certainly a far cry from the enlightened ways that I teach.  Hence it doesn’t work.

Withholding Sex Stems From Your Own Insecurity

commitment before sexSo the guys bolt not because of lack of sex, but lack of trust, vulnerability and self-confidence that leads to lack chemistry.  You come across hardened and closed off (intimacy phobic aka emotionally unavailable).  Furthermore he sniffs issues, drama and hang ups from a mile away.  He sniffs skewed expectations and he knows they won’t stop there.  These women will issue more demands, more expectations, more needs for reassurances.

That’s why most men with options bolt when a woman uses sex as tool for power struggle, to declare who has the upper hand in the courtship.

They know from past experience it goes downhill from there.  These women are control freaks.

Most masculine men want a woman they can easily relate to.  They look for romantic connection and for a man sex is the best way to gauge it, otherwise they’ll never know if they are friendzoned or not.  And most men won’t keep investing till this has been established so you’re being duped by advice that tells you the total opposite.

It’s against nature so it doesn’t work.

This is not to say, go have sex with every guy you meet.  But understandably, sex is a hot button issue for many so they need to project their own issues/wounds around the subject.

I’ll go deeper about sex like I never did before in my new program with Module 4 Tantra Sex and Healing Sexual Traumas: Feminine Magnetism™, The Art Of Being A Woman That Enraptures A Man’s Heart.

This program will reveal more about why you are in relationship you are in or why you are not in relationship and are perpetually single! It’s all driven by unconscious stuff. And moreover this program will teach you to be vulnerable and to trust in the process.

Every relationship is teaching us something we need to learn at this very moment and you can’t walk away unless you have learned everything you need to learn so dive into it and let the discoveries unravel themselves.

It’s a spiritual journey.

It’s vulnerable cause you don’t know what the future holds while you are investing a good chunk of your life. But trust me, there is no other way. There is no could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. There is no “supposed to be.” This is where you are on your journey and you have to follow it through.

You will learn so much about yourself and human nature through this program. This will be my gift to humanity and it will keep on giving long after I’m gone.

The very first increase of $100 will take place this Sunday October 25, and will continue to increase every month or so till March. This is your chance to sign up with the lowest rate and like all my classes they’ll go up in prices as time goes by and more women attest to their efficacy. They always start very reasonable for the life-changing effects they bring.

MORE: It’s Long Overdue, Learn The Healthy Approach To Sex That Will Mesmerize Him and You Won’t Hear This Anywhere Else

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  • i disagree hugely with this post. In fact, ever since i have implemented my no sex without commitment policy i have felt happier and more free.

    The author assumes that no sex before commitment is an attempt to manipulate. in fact, it is not always an attempt to manipulate, but just an attempt to protect yourself from a spiritual and personal place. This is closely tied to religion in many cases, not always – but ive noticed many of my female friends become more religious over the years as they notice that free-style feminism doesnt work for them, particularly when they are robbed of their sexual power (ability to have sex or not have sex as they want).

    The truth is that women don’t always desire sex with the same degree of casual love that men do, and that acting in this way many times isn’t a manipulation but truthful to our nature. Sometimes they do, but sometimes they don’t. Women are not like men.

    The assumption that women that do not have sex with men because its manipulative is only based on the small percentage of women using it as a strategy to get married. If you are not using it as a strategy to land a particular man – but as a strategy for self-love and self-preservation, it works perfectly.

    There are just as many women (and i have been one in the past) that expect commitment BECAUSE they have had sex with someone for x number of months or years. I have been one of these women in the past – once I realized that sex does not lead to commitment in some cases, even after years of dating, still does not lead to commitment, i took it off the table entirely because i do not think it is the best way for women to choose a partner. For me in particular, i can do casual sex for a few months even, but I cannot have sex for 2+ years and walk away from the relationship as easily as a man can. By that time i have invested too much and feel that the man OWES me – and this is where manipulation starts.

    If on the other hand, you consciously choose to not have sex with anyone that is not committed to you, it is not manipulative – rather it is just stating your terms. You are not manipulating the man into doing anything – because he is not obligated to you. He is not obligated to you and he does not have to be with you if he doesn’t want to, so that you can move on to someone that DOES want to be with you more quickly. For women this is a lifesaving thing, especially considering that women have a NARROWER window to choose a mate.

    I have become more religious over time despite a non-religious background due in part to the fact that the boomer hippie approach to sex does NOT vibe with a woman’s TRUE sexual nature, which many times is NATURALLY more conservative than men would like.

    Keep in mind that the author is a man and does not truly understand the perspective of women. There are many women that HAVE been used, not just for a day, but also for years on end by men that are just looking to have sex while they plan to date and commit to someone else. Talk about manipulation! There are men out there that will hint at marriage and children just to keep sex on tap.

    After you’ve been faced with one of these men, you’d understand very well that reclaiming power over sex isnt about manipulating good men, it’s about avoiding the bad ones, the bad ones – are not necessarily obvious players or men in transition that state clearly that they just want sex (those, oddly enough I have no problem with because they base the relationship, whatever it is, on honesty) but rather those wolf in sheep clothing that will promise anything for some nookie and pretend to be devoted and committed men.

    Women do NOT have to have sex with men that are not committed to them. They can do it if they feel it in the moment, but they do NOT have to do it before they are in a place of true comfort, and for some that place of comfort comes after commitment, whether men like it or not. Sometimes reclaiming female sexual power IS about withholding it with men that have not proven themselves to be worth it so that sex can be BETTER with the person that is. Furthermore, the more you wait for that person that DOES commit to you, the less you’ll have the psychic and emotional scars of people that use you for sex or other reasons (entertainment, emotional help, money or the myriad of reasons people use each other). I wish I had known this before meeting my husband, a truly good man, who has to deal with the fact that I had many of these scars before meeting him.

  • As a guy, I think I would be more understandable of a woman asking for delayed sex, if I see these patterns in her previous relationships. Otherwise, it just seems like a desperate and manipulative way to trade the sex up to commitment.

  • I suppose it depends on how you go about it. I’m absolutely committed to no sex before commitment, but as time went on, I had to be honest with myself that I am only attracted to super alpha guys. I’m dating one right now, and I guarantee you that having sex before commitment with him would be a horrible mistake and a profound act of self-betrayal. I will get hormonally bonded to him if I do and it might take years to release myself from that.

    That said, if “no sex before commitment” is approached in a manipulative way, then sure you’d be right. If though it’s vulnerably and honestly shared and becomes a way for the two people to know each other more intimately and negotiate all the major relationship issues before taking that step.

    By the way, this guy is honest enough to acknowledge that he doesn’t need to have intercourse with me to know the sex will be amazing. He’s a true alpha, very direct in his sexual interest but not manipulative as many “alpha pretenders” are.

    Deep down he’s looking for a woman who has sexual self control, and he never encounters it because he’s intoxicatingly attractive.

    So slowing everything down is a gift to both of us.

    He’ll either commit to me or he won’t, but either way because I kept my sexual boundaries I’ll be okay. I’d rather be able to walk away unscathed than endure years of hormonal bonding to the wrong guy.

    If he truly loves you, he’ll wait for sex. He never has an opportunity to fall in love with you if you have sex with him too early.

    Beta males are different. You can have sex with them whenever and they will stay. But I’ve never been able to sustain my attraction to a beta male.


    • It’s all cool to be empowered and have sex whenever you get horny but all ladies should be aware of stds that are not covered by a condom such as HPV ans herpes. Almost every other man and one in 5 have either HPV or herpes, so waiting for commitment makes sense for health purposes alas well….I mean unless u don’t care about getting cervical cancer for the false hope of a relationship

  • Hi Katarina,

    I understand what you’re saying, but TBH I wouldn’t feel very emotionally nor physically healthy if I went ahead and slept with any and every guy I dated. Being an attractive girl, I find that the “no sex before a certain level of commitment” policy helps me filter out the guys who just want a hot lay. It’s a matter of self preservation IMO, not a matter of playing games with a man.

    The manosphere discourse of “men connect through sex” is a bit of an oversimplification, because it doesn’t consider women as sexual beings: the man is the sex, the woman is the heart – utter bullshit. We women also connect through sex, and men also might want to delay intercourse – at the end of the day it’s about a physical and emotional connection that is born outside of the bedroom and can hopefully last a lifetime. Players and other promiscuous folks will gladly jump into bed for the sake of so called “connection” but IMO husband/wife material men and women will, through their action, consciously or not, delay intercourse until there’s a commitment on the table.

    Those who think they can afford sleeping around in hopes of finally connecting with The One are the insecure ones IME (as they are focused on the needs of someone they barely know – so sad), whereas men and women who prefer to delay sex (whatever organic or set delay floats their boat) I find are the most wholesome in general and more specifically in relationships. My two cents 🙂 Thanks for your blog!

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