It’s Not About When to Have Sex in a Relationship, It’s About Whether Or Not You Are A Whole Package

whne to have sex

When you ask yourself: “when to have sex in a relationship?”, the question should be rephrased to: “do I want to have sex” and “for what reasons,” and “would I be okay with whatever outcome I might get out of this?”


Today I’d like to talk about sex and dating and the conundrum status it has acquired among so many women: damned if they do it, damned if they don’t.

And these so many half-truths swirling around on how men’s attitude toward commitment will be defined if a woman would put out or hold out and for how long as if it was the only deciding factor on when to have sex in a relationship.

Listen up ladies, I have had sex WHENEVER I wanted it with the men I have dated and it never affected their willingness or decision to commit.  It’s not about WHEN to have sex in a relationship, it’s about the WHOLE PACKAGE that you are.  It’s about the chemistry and connection you two share.

And it’s about how you behave after sex as well.  It’s about how confident and comfortable you are in your own skin and your sexuality and overall it’s about how high your self-esteem is.

It’s about your IRRESISTIBILITY factor, something that I teach and is TOTALLY under your control.  If you are a goddess with the skills of Feminine Magnetism™, sex is never going to be such a huge issue.  It will only help you toward your goal of magnetizing whoever you want to magnetize (I’m not saying it in a way of callously using it to seduce and manipulate guys left and right).

When you ask yourself: When should I have sex in a relationship?  The question should be rephrased to: DO I WANT TO HAVE SEX and FOR WHAT REASONS, and CAN I BE OKAY WITH WHATEVER OUTCOME I MIGHT GET OUT OF THIS?

Let’s go there step by step:

Do I want to Have Sex?

Yes, that’s a very important one.  Do you want to have sex because you like it and you enjoy it?  Because you need it?  Because you like him and want to connect in a deeper level?

So in other words, do you want to have sex for YOU and not for other reasons which takes us to the next question:

For What Reasons do I Want to have Sex?

Is it because you haven’t had sex in a while and your body yearns for it and you like the guy?  Is it because you are ready for the relationship to go to the next level?  Or is it because you think you can make him your boyfriend if you sleep with him?

Again your reasons will shape your attitude toward the whole experience.  If your main concern isn’t about fully enjoying the experience and be in the moment but for something driven by an agenda whatever that is (mainly to make him commit) then it may not end in a good way which brings us to the last question:

Would I Be Okay With Sex Whatever Outcome I Might Get Out Of This?

A lot of women change the minute they sleep with a guy.  They shift from the fun-loving, confident women these guys are fascinated with to the needy, neurotic, controlling bitches that just scare them away.  They think just because they “give up the cookie” they are now entitled to the parole officer title to these men’s daily existence.

As if they were the first women who have ever had sex that they were so vulnerable to it.  That this has never been tested on other women so its potential danger is real.

Wise up, ladies, okay I get it sex is “sacred” whatever that means and you don’t want to sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry who crosses your path and happens to be generous enough to take you to Applebee’s for a dinner date and you create so much drama around its importance but at the end of the day it really is just sex.  It was created mainly for the sole purpose of procreation so our species lives on.  Your culture, religious upbringing, romantic fantasy, etc puts so many more other values and meaning into it that can indeed be wholesome but also a major hurdle in your ways of  relating.

It is “just sex” because eventually you move on, you do other things and no single sexual event should define your whole life.  If it does then you really have to work on yourself.  Was there sexual trauma in your childhood?

That’s just way too much drama, know what I mean?  And guys usually shy away from complicated women like this because it shows how hung-up they potentially are in other departments.  And guys want a woman who is easy to be with.  Nobody wants a hard relationship.  If your guy has a problem committing or is disappearing, you might want to look how much easier you have made his life?

You might say, “Okay I get it that I need to want it and I do want it because I’m so attracted to him but what if the main reason is really because I don’t want to lose him?  Because you know if I keep holding out, he might just be moving on the next woman.”

You’re right, most guys with options do because they don’t see it the way you see it.  The last thing they worry about is when to have sex. You want commitment first before sex but most guys can’t commit till they know they are sexually connected to you.  Sex is important for a guy because it speaks of total acceptance as a man for him.  It is very personal to their manhood.  There are exceptions of course.

The fact that you don’t want to lose him is an indication that he’s a special enough guy that deserves a more special treatment.  So not to want to lose him is about at the same level as “trying to please him because you care about him” (and sure he will do the same for you too because that’s what relationship is all about) and isn’t the same as needing him to commit right at this second (whatever that means) and if your answer to question #3 is YES, then I think you are ready for this stage.

STOP PRESS:  What Is The Healthy Approach To Sex That Is Attractive To Men?  It’s Not What You Think

Does Sex With a Man Really Make You Helplessly Attached?

A lot of women tell me how they bond and become attached after sex that’s why they hold out.

Ummm, sorry it’s not sex that caused it.  It’s your “story,” aka personal drama (and I said it because I have been through such things myself) and your INSECURITIES.  If you are unwavering in your self-confidence and security, sex won’t define who you are after the fact.  You always have power over yourself and how you choose your response at ALL TIME.  Don’t let anything or anybody make you believe otherwise.

Don’t Miss This One: The Goddessy Way To Make Him Putty In Your Hand…

It’s about maturity and nothing else.  If you are a young woman, yes you have many years ahead of you to learn and grow up.  If you are an older woman, it’s really time to examine your deeper issues why you blame sex for your lack of power in choosing your response.

I’ve been in so many discussions about this than I care to remember (so please don’t mention Oxytocin and stuff ’cause I’ve heard it and discussed at length here).  So don’t make an excuse out of the most natural thing that makes us human.

Again, I’m not saying that to trivialize the whole experience itself but I just want to give you a reasonable alternative on how to see this thing. I see too many women over analyzing when to have sex in a relationship.

Many women have unresolved issues around sex that becomes a hurdle in their dating lives. My take is you have to work on the belief and values around sex for it NOT to become a problem that stops you from connecting with a man who actually might be right for you. First you have to remove the guilt and shame associated with it.

The belief that men will disappear after sex is one of the destructive things women hold in their minds. Or that if we “give” sex and he disappears, we are being used. If you think that way of course the vibe you radiate will be the one that repels instead of drawing him closer. You can actually have a man chase you after sex.

If you have sex because you respect your own body and feminine sexuality and the deeper and more intimate way you want to relate to him without an agenda or any “string attached” (that he needs to be a certain way after), you radiate that wonderful and inviting feminine energy that is very addictive to men. And believe it or not, he won’t see you as a slut because of that. He sees you as a woman worth knowing more beyond sex.

That’s really against prevalent wisdom, isn’t it?  You’ve heard that guys like women who are not “easy”?  If he already likes you, easy is good for him as long as it doesn’t mean that you become so overly available and are the one who rows the boat.  There is “easy” and there is “doormat.”  Decide which one you are (check this one for knowing how to play “hard-to-get” the right way).

It’s really freakin SIMPLE, folks. If there is mutual chemistry and connection and timing is right, love just happens. Just like that.  And if you two are connecting well already and he’s not emotionally unavailable or commitment phobic, sex in fact will heighten the connection and you two will bond deeper because contrary to mass hysteria men bond through sex too!  Isn’t the difference between romance and friendship the sex?  So stop trying to make this more complicated than what it actually is. Stop worrying so much about when to have sex in a relationship.  Stop seeing sex as a transactional tool, that’s why you are not making any progress in love in the first place. What about love, the care and the desire to intimately connect with someone we deem as special?

But Some Coaches Recommend Asking For Exclusivity Or Commitment Before Jumping In The Sack

Yeah that can work and if that’s the path you want to choose though I don’t recommend it, go ahead as long as you don’t appear too demanding/controlling about it (if you have been following me for a while, you know my style is always go-with-the-flow, no pressure, laissez faire and believe in your feminine power because as you believe you become).  I get it that the risk of STDs is real and you want to play safe.

However, you must also remember that just because he says it, it doesn’t mean he truly feels it in his heart and a lot of guys if they like you enough they will just go ahead with it and think about it later (I know…I know, awful isn’t it?).

A real commitment comes naturally from the heart and it can’t be timed and it definitely can’t be secured with a bribe (sex).  That in fact trivializes the whole experience, in my opinion, because the “commitment” you get is acquired “under duress,” not coming from his heart and own volition.  And as such it might present an awkward situation that puts him under a lot of pressure to rise to the label forced on him.

And mind you what he says isn’t a guarantee of what he’ll do either.

There really is NO guarantee, sex or no sex.  Even married people get divorced so stop holding onto the illusion of permanence already!  That’s what causes the fear and the suffering in the first place.  It only makes you vulnerable and insecure.  Accept that every relationship at the end of the day is moment to moment.  The only way to be secure is to embrace insecurity.

Remember my principles are about letting a man lead as it’s the most conducive way for a relationship to thrive.  In this scenario, he no longer leads -okay his penis does-, you do.

So…still want to wait to have sex?  By all means, don’t do something you are not comfortable with and don’t do something just because someone on the internet tells you so, obviously.  What you can and should do, though, is to always challenge your boundaries, beliefs and values especially when they don’t serve you.  To push your envelope.  Not to languish in your comfort zone.  To experiment and experience life first hand.  To be open minded.

A lot of those beliefs are often UNTESTED and come from preconceived notions of cultural and religious upbringing.

To understand life is to experience it.  Fully.  First Hand.

MORE.. The Language Of Desire: The Secret To Mind-Blowing Sex and Intimacy

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well and if you want me to address more scenarios write it on the comment section below (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Image credit Deposit Photo!


  • I had sex with a guy in my rotation on the 4th date. I had sex because I wanted to and it was good. I didn’t change after and have leaned back. However, he disappeared. He used to text almost daily and take me out. I never texted first unless he asked me to text him for some reason. The only thing that is different is that we had sex. I am seeing other people and wasn’t sure I even wanted anything with this guy so it’s not that I freaked him out because I was trying to get into a relationship. I did however want to keep seeing him like we did before to get to know him better. It’s been almost a week since I’ve heard from him. If I hear from him, what do I do? At this point, I feel like I don’t appreciate the disappearing act and will decline to see him again. Thoughts?

  • I disagree with the part where it says most men cannot commit without sex.
    Men would commit to a women they are crazy about. In fact the longer you wait to have sex with him, the more high value he sees and the more he’ll view you as marriage material assuming he’s really into you.
    Women must know that men are driven by first time sex with a woman. After conquest she’s no longer a challenge and he starts looking for the next woman to conquer. This is the reason for the infamous sex and dump men are known for.
    If all women decided to wait till commitment to have sex, men would have no choice but to commit.

    • And is this supported by proof/evidence? I can show you my credentials of one engagement/week. Bottom line is why do you have to be involved in the power struggle with a man you supposedly love and desire to live the rest of your life with. Think about it. Don’t come here to regurgitate generic relationship advice that has been proven not to work (if it had worked these women who practice what you say wouldn’t have come to me in droves). Embrace your every side. You have hang ups re. sex. Work on it. Sex isn’t your enemy. Your attachment to the meaning of sex is.

  • I’ve been in a relationship with an unhappily married man going on two years. He has 3 married adult children from previous marriages. They have no children or financial obligation together. One of his daughters and one of his sisters begged me to stay with him because they’ve never seen him happier and they love me. His daughter changed her mind when she had her first baby. His wife got involve with his family and children when she found out about us and they attacked us on fb…before this his wife didn’t have any iterested in the family. He tried to leave numerous times but she threatened to kill herself so he stays out of fear, obligation and guilt. He says he can’t let me go and does absolutely anything to to stay in touch and in my life. He’s never once rejected us. Should I simply let it go or use my feminine goddessness?

  • Wauw….this article is mindblowing!especially the part where you say : ‘ embrace your insecurity’ such wisdom!thank you KATARINA for bringing on this subject of sex..this will help lots of women.`there’s such a stigma on when to have sex,even in a progamme called the `millionare match’ i heard a therapist advising 2 ladies to WAIT for sex until you have a ring…blabla.and you can trust a man after a year…I think with all the advice on the internet,countless books on relationships etc. women nowadays are very very confused.This article just explains it right and simple!thank you again Kat,i’m thinking about joining your classes after all!

    • Thank you, Rani. Those pieces of advice are fear-based and you won’t be in alignment and get what you truly want when you base your relationship on fear. I help so many women on the basis of removing all anxieties. Surrender to the inevitable, your life will be smooth-sailing.

  • That is such a helpful article, covers everything that goes through a girl’s mind and why notsooner if it feels right and you feel comfortable/at ease with someone special rather than waiting months as society might dictate. Thank you

  • Very enlightening indeed. Thank you so much for this article. It’s so freeing and feels right. Love the stuff about living in the now and embracing impermanence. Seeking security does not necessarily bring joy and happiness but living life fully does. Thank you.

  • I think this is great advice, especially the part about being okay with whatever outcome you end up with. I think a lot of women think sex means more than it actually does to the guy and then they end up with all these expectations. When my boyfriend and I first started dating he wasn’t super pushy about sex and he told me that he didn’t want me to have sex with him and then be disappointed or regret it if things didn’t go any further. That was clue number one that I found a quality guy. I told him that I liked him and if I had sex with him it would be because I wanted to and that if we both enjoyed ourselves there would be nothing to regret even if we didn’t live happily ever after together. I did tell him that I do want a serious long term relationship in my life, but in such a way that it was part of my life goals, not that I expected that from him, so he is clear about what I want in my life. He really appreciated my attitude and he’s still around 8 months later.

    • You got it right, Mindy. Wanting a relationship should be a part of your life goals, indeed… It doesn’t mean to trap or force a guy into a relationship with you just because you have something he wants between your legs. Unfortunately, many women use this approach and they become jaded when they see this doesn’t work. Thank you for chiming in.

  • Great article. I loved it. Its good to consider both – female and male perspective. 🙂

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