Is He Emotionally Unavailable Or Does Your Anxiety Make Him So?

You may wonder is he emotionally unavailable.  You read the signs of his hot and cold, push pull behavior as emotionally unavailable.  Often this may not be the case at all.  It could be that you aren’t creating the space for him to feel safe showing his emotions to you in the first place. 

Jenny wrote me: “Hi Katarina, I got your book last night and read most of it in one sitting! It’s really great and I like how it focuses on the cup half-full approach instead of what I’m not getting. This starts to change the reader’s perspective making it more about the reader than clinging on to what the reader isn’t getting. Most dating experts tend to focus on the outcome and what the woman isn’t getting at the time. That causes a lot of anxiety for women and pressure to move the relationship along. Your approach is a better fit for me. Thank you!” 

Yup…yup…thank you, Jenny. I am unconventional, I realize that. I got maligned for that at times but my clients’ success and love for me and my teaching speaks for itself.

And you are so right about the goal-oriented approach that most dating coaches focus on. It just doesn’t work and it creates a lot of anxiety and the focus is wrongly placed on things beyond your control (him) while it’s supposed to be on things you can control (you). And the anxiety pushes him further away and the non-acceptance of “what is” gets you even more anxious. It’s a depressing vicious cycle. You wonder is he emotionally unavailable, when the reality is more like, you are so anxious, he can’t share his emotions with you for fear of rocking your boat (here’s how to deal with your chronic anxiety).

As many of my fans have noted, my method is different to others they have ever known/heard.  Other books/articles on the subject of emotionally unavailable men heavily focus on the men, and not the women while the women play an important role why this dynamic exists in the first place.  Many of the women are super anxious (I talk to them every single day) and with that approach ANY man will be “emotionally unavailable.”

Don’t take it from me if you don’t want to, listen to Juan Rich, my dear friend and one my biggest male supporters as posted in my women private group on Facebook (please add me on Facebook to be included):

“I have to say that there are a myriad of lovely ladies in this group and I empathize with what some of you are going through but the truth of the matter is; some of you are overtly needy and you are allowing your expectations to run wild. The dating game works in your favor and all you have to do is just take care of your own needs and then chill out and once you do that then that desperation that you project will vanish and he will be drawn to you. You guys make men seem so complicated and most are not; just learn to reciprocate, be feminine and lean back as Katarina Phang then it will all fall in line. Too much ruminating gives off this anxious vibe and we can sense that and that is the beginning of why we turn away from the situation.

Most of what some women call EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN are just men that have just tuned the women that they are dating out.  If you act needy and need constant reassurance then that will turn the man off.  How women see emotion is different from how men see emotion; most men are not experienced in dealing with it so if you can chill and make him comfortable to talk about it without getting irate then you will actually draw him to you.  MEN ARE THE MOST SIMPLE PEOPLE THAT YOU WILL EVER DEAL WITH…………

Your EGO is what could have made him become distant. Here you are wondering is he emotionally unavailable, when the fact is, you may be the cause of him withdrawing his emotions. When a female tries too hard most men can pick up on it, but most don’t know what it is or how to communicate their concerns to the female. That constant need for reassurance grates at the man, and then he backs up from the situation. The woman then interprets this as him being emotionally unavailable, when the truth is, it’s your emotions that cause him to pull away in the first place.

Confidence is what one needs in order to tolerate uncertainty and to know that, no matter what, you will be all right.

Our EGO can run crazy because we tend to care too much about what others think; and when that happens, it is a slippery slope. You are enough. 

What you must do is to take care of your needs and learn to simply enjoy the other person’s company. No one else can take care of your needs; that is your job. When you take care of your needs, and when you have a guy who reciprocates, then it feeds the situation. 

You are more then enough, and you only have to prove that to yourself. Feel the emotion and try not to suppress it; take it as a learning experience so that, from this time on, you will tolerate uncertainty and learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, which is the main reason why so many people ruminate; they think those feelings are telling them that maybe they are not good enough.” 

It’s a cop out to call these men emotionally unavailable when the bulk of the work should actually be on themselves and their own issues.  It might be comforting for a while to shift the blame on the men, but what does it solve in the long run in terms of personal growth?

Nothing.  They are still the same reactive and ineffective person they have always been.

Should You Walk Away From an Emotionally Unavailable Man?

Hence, for instance, I don’t advise “walk away” right off the bat like many others would facing typical situations dealing with an emotionally unavailable man..  You know why?  Because breaking up when we are not done/ready is not gonna work. It’s unrealistic and it doesn’t solve anything. It’s like cutting a limb. It’s not gentle to our system at all.

My method is way gentler and transformational. You make yourself the best human being you can possibly be and if he still doesn’t step up, it’s his loss and the beautiful part of it is … he knows it too.

And walking away doesn’t force you to face your demons either even if you can -and most can’t when they are still so emotionally attached.   It doesn’t instigate personal growth.  You will still languish in your delusion and indulge in blaming-filled pity-party.

As long as you still assume the position of a victim, you will never change your life and you will always face the same brick wall over and over.

Aren’t you tired of it already?

What to Do When You Think He is Emotionally Unavailable

is he emotionally unavailableMy method is the third way, it turns lemon into lemonade. It shifts the focus from him to SELF. It is soft, uplifting and encourages profound personal growth that will make any woman high-value and irresistible. This method has been tested by myself and thousands of other women who become my greatest friends and supporters. Find out what these women are raving about.

My method is about self-transformation because eventually you are the reason why your relationship doesn’t work. No one else’s, no matter what you say about him or how terrible he is, etc. Your woundedness allows that to happen in the first place. You are with him thanks to the same level of woundedness you and him are on. My method cuts through that and makes you an extremely effective person in relationship because you uproot the very things that cause relationship to falter: sense of lack, insecurities, anxiety and neediness.

I teach you how to take the path of least resistance. First you have to realize you can’t fix him or things…that’s not your job to do. Your job is being a feminine woman and let a guy who sees your worth claims you.  As I always say, your confusion comes from resistance against what is. Because you want things to be different from what is and you become anxious trying to fix things. Lean back and focus on making yourself happy.  He will either follows where you go (steps up) or fades.  Either way is good for you because you are emotionally free.

A lot of women though make dating a hunting ground, that’s why they are anxious, stressed and unhappy. Being goal-oriented is masculine energy, and the vibe repels men. A man feels smothered by this goal-orientedness.  That’s why he is emotionally turned off.  My training-ground principle makes a woman an absolute joy to be with. Being process-oriented is so soft and feminine, and the vibe draws men in like a moth to a flame. My clients get claimed left and right without expectations or bringing up the talk because they belong to a different crop of women. They are high-value women who are sought-after and stand out from the rest. They naturally attract emotionally unavailable men.  The men that they once asked the question is he emotionally unavailable, suddenly become more emotionally available in her presence.

A high-value woman doesn’t make a man her project (click here to know the 7 traits of a high value-woman). She accepts she can’t change a man and quickly makes a decision if this arrangement is worth putting her energy in. Observe and accept. That’s all you need to do. You don’t need the emotional entanglement AT ALL. When you practice my principles, everything is smooth-sailing cause there is no resistance in you.

Of course I also teach how to walk away safely and with dignity…when you are ready!  When you have evened out the investment imbalance that boosts your self-esteem.  When you have learned your lessons.  With my method walking away is a breeze…there is very little drama and heartache and you always end up better off because you have become a better human being and as such you will attract a better crop of men.

It takes one to know one.

And you will never repeat the same mistake of over-investing in a guy ever again.  You are not easily carried away by your own emotions.  You will be the one pursued, not pursuing. You never ask is he emotionally unavailable again, because if he is, it’s not because of you and your anxious energy anymore.

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  I have recently updated it and will continue to update it so you will learn so much more.  This is the primer before delving deeper into my method.  And many women have pulled their guys back from the brink through practicing the tools and principles I outline there.  And you will be included in the two lively private groups I own and see how women transform themselves there to become a high-value woman.

Now, question is:  Is He Emotionally Unavailable Or Is He Just Not That Into You?  You’ll love that article and when you have established that he’s actually into you but your anxiety dampens his interest and pursuit, you might want to sign up for this one-of-a-kind-down-to-science workshop Four Components Of Melting A Man’s Heart that Alan Roger Currie raved about in his show when he was interviewing me.

MORE:  Be The Woman Men Adore And Never Want To Leave By Cultivating Your Feminine Power

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).



Image credit Deposit Photo!


  • I recently read your ebook which was very good by the way… and I did do a post on Facebook about a guy I recently met from online. He pursued me alot in the beginning and he was one of the few who actually picked up the phone to talk. Anways, we had one date and then I went away to LA and even when I was in LA he did reach out and last week when I got back he asked when would I like to get together again? I offered a Friday night but he said he was going away for that weekend to the Poconos for Memorial Day weekend & then I had offered possibly that Thursday night but I needed to check with work, but he had dinner plans with his mom that night and a family friend. Long story short he still called and text me Thurs night to talk and even text me when he was away on Sat night ..he does do alot of the initiating so I guess my question is I havent heard from him since and its eating at me because I feel maybe I leaned back too much cuz I dont text first? Maybe he thinks im not interested? Just wanted to get a feel for your opinion. THanks so much

  • Hi Kat,

    Please help!!!

    I bought your book about a month ago & started using the suggestions in it right away.

    I have been friends (just friends no sex) with this guy for a couple years. We’ve gradually gotten closer over the last year and a half-two years. I was married but in a terrible relationship when we met. Since then, I separated & my divorce became final 3/31/14. We’ve talked about relationships twice. The first time I initiated last August in which he told me he moves slow in relationships & he also thought it would be morally wrong to pursue anything while I was still married. I didn’t disagree, was just looking to continue to get close/know if that was possible or if I was wasting my time cuz he strictly saw me as a friend. He told me the more time he spent with me/spent talking to me the more comfortable he was feeling. After this he called &/or texted consistently for a few weeks. I took his previous comments as a license to keep moving things forward & so when he started slacking off I started initiating contact & hangouts. Things seemed ok until about the end of November & then he really started backing away. Also we have two martial art hobbies that we’ve both been involved with & since he started behaving really strangely he kept missing classes & still is, even up until now. Regardless of what’s going on with him & I, I hate to see him giving up on his hobbies. He blames work & a ton of other things, but in the back of my mind I wonder?? But then again he still comes to our Friday class & was initiating getting together to workout even when we didn’t have class…that is up until two weeks ago. So things have been stressful right up until the end of April (& still kinda are) when I bought your book after he initiated a relationship conversation in which he told me he didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me. In fact, he hasn’t had them for anyone in so long, he can’t remember, & doesn’t know if he’s even capable….thinks he may have been burned too many times. I didn’t freak out. Just calmly stated that it wasn’t what I wanted to hear & that I was bummed. We hung out & talked for a while longer. At the end he said maybe something would be able to blossom/grow now that he wasn’t hiding that anymore. He then proceeded to call &/or text me everyday again for about 2 weeks. The next week he skipped a couple days & then I had to initiate a text to make sure he remembered he’d said he’d teach my classes for me on my son’s bday (Thurs). He called a lil while after receiving my text. Then he called me again after class was done & asked me to get together Saturday to workout but I cldnt cuz I already had plans. He seemed irritated but said we’d try to do it Friday if he didn’t end up working too late. Fri morning he texted then called later in the afternoon. He ended up cancelling working out cuz he said he was too exhausted. Sd he’d call me later that nite but didnt. No word Saturday. Sunday I get a text saying he hoped I was having a nice weekend. I responded with the same. Monday he called & then I saw him for a few mins at class but he was leaving cuz he didn’t feel good. Didn’t hear a word from him until yesterday. So a whole week with zero contact from him & I would not initiate. So he texts me saying he hoped I had a pleasant weekend & a nice holiday. He rarely hears from me anymore, so he’s hesitant to call. I responded with “hey its so nice to hear from you. Weekend/holiday were great. How about urs? Ur calls are always welcome silly.” Nothing….zero response….call or text. I have always been open, warm, appreciative, receptive, & reciprocating anytime he has contacted me or asked me to do anything, but I am not chasing after him anymore. Am I making a mistake here in not initiating any contact with him? I mean he did tell me he didn’t want me that way & I am ok being his friend (sort of….I’m trying anyway lol) but not with me continuing to chase. It doesn’t feel good….just the thought of doing it makes me feel all anxious like before & how you describe in the book. Since I stopped chasing, I hardly feel that way anymore. It still comes & goes on occasion, but not constant like before. What is happening here & what do you suggest I do?

  • Hi Katarina! I have just purchased your book because I have been pretty depressed the last few days and I am praying your book and guidance is what I need. I recently started reading the book “Mr. Unavailable & the Fallback Girl” by Natalie Lue and before I started it, I was feeling very hopeful about my guy situation, but that book squashed my good mood and made me feel horrible. I searched online for something to make me feel better about this and found your page. I need hope and I think this is it! I would love to be a member of your private group on FB. Thanks in advance!

  • Hi Katrina,

    Yes he always payed even though i offered a couple of times. Neither of us brough up the talk. And no, he never asked…but we went out for just 2 months.

    I have to admit it takes a lot of courge to be vulnerable again. We’ve both been cheated on and frankly ive always been a nice girl…too nice “doormat” type of nice. I became needy everytime I started dating a guy and like him too much. So I promise myself, that no matter how hard it was for me, I had to change that and i reaally like this guy but I am so afraid of ruining it with my old patterns…so maybe thats why Im beeing a little distant. But I dont know what to do, because if I bring up the talk thats going to seem like im needy again…and asking for a relationship when i dont even know if he is intrested in one with me yet…

    What can I do?

  • Hi Katarina,

    I was searching the web for articles about emotionally unavailable guys and ended up in your site. I suscribed to your e-mail and got the first chapter of the book, and an audio on a workshop. I did started to hear the audio and I found the motivation and the courage (I never do this) to send you my story because I do believe you have grat insights to the male mind. And I would really appreaciated your thoughts on my case which is extremly confusing to me right now…

    Sorry if the story is a little long, I just wanted to expose every detail that I believe is important for you to come up to a certain conclusion on what is happening in this guys mind that I just dont understand. I do like him a lot, and I would love for him to step up, and I know that I am a fantastic catch, I just don’t understand why guys can’t see that…

    so here is my story…

    I have a guy friend (let’s call him Angelo) who introduced me to this guy (Matthew). Angelo told me that Matthew was looking for a girlfriend and that he was a really hard-working, nice guy. Angelo told me he showed Matthew my picture and Matthew agreed to want to meet me. So, after Angelo told me that Matthew was a nice guy and wanted a serious relationship I agreed to add him on my Facebook. So Angelo told Matthew to add me as a friend on Facebook, and so he did. When I saw Matthew’s request I didn’t add him right away, when I added him, he wrote a Private Message to my inbox, greeting me. I took about 3 days to respond his message. When I did, Matthew when all honest about he being worried that I would think of him as a creep because he was adding me on facebook and I would answer him. I told him not to worry about that because Angelo had told me he was going to add me as a friend on facebook. I had a little friendly chat with him that day but not too long, I said goodbye first because I was late for gym (although I did not let him know why I had to go). After that, one week pass by, he never wrote back, but we coincidentally saw each other at a bar. I was actually dancing with a group of his friends when he noticed me. He went to the group and position himself in front of me, obviously to get my attention. So in that moment I said to him “Aren’t you Angelo’s friend Matthew?, Nice meeting you, I’m Angelo’s friend!”. So he greeted me with a hug and stood there for a couple of minutes trying to dance, then he felt kind of embarrassed (I have to admit I didn’t showed him that much attention) and went to sit down. But after I got home, I sent him a private message threw facebook that read “It was really nice meeting you”. He responded right away and sent his phone number for me to add him to whatsapp. I add him right away, talked to him so he could add my phone too. After that I said good night and went to bed.

    Then, every time I posted something on facebook he immediately commented. And it was obvious he was trying to contact me and see how he could ask me out. One day at was at a baseball game with my sister and my dad, and he posted a picture of him in the stadium, so I commented “I’m here too!” he wrote back “Why didn’t you tell me I just left like 5 minutes ago!, “What are you doing tonight” – turns out there was this party we where both invited to so we met there. He was obviously into me, he stayed with my group of friends dancing with us, and although he didn’t know how to dance Merengue he asks me to dance and we did. After that we went with our group of friends and had a late snack. When they left me home he ask me if I would go to the movies with him the next day, I said I would think about it. So I said goodbye and went home (It was like 4am). While I was in the kitchen grabbing a glass of water, he called me and we talked till 7am. He told me that he wanted a girlfriend but he wasn’t quite sure yet because 3 years ago he had a serious relationship with this girl for four years and he was extremely loyal to her even thou his friends made it so hard for him. And then, after 4 years she cheated on him and he felt he had wasted his college years being faithfull because that was the right thing to do. He was really telling me he was really really loyal and if he commits he would really commits. But, I was focusing only on the things I wanted to hear and understood that if he was going out with me was because he liked me and wanted to pursue a relationship with me. After that he invited me to movies, baseball games, dinner, etc. Most of the time we would go double date with one of his friends (Jim) and a girl. We would chat all the time and he would tell me about his whereabouts when I didn’t even ask him. He sent me pictures of him when he was younger, talk to me about his family, etc etc. So I assumed this was actually going somewhere and that he was really interested and liked me. This went on for almost two months. (I have to point out we never had sex, we just made out, I don’t think having sex without exclusivity is a smart move, so I just don’t and it keeps me grounded).

    Then one night, I went out with my brother, my sister and her boyfriend, and two of my cousins. When we arrived at the bar, I saw him with a group of people guys and girls. I knew the guys where his friends from school, so I didn’t think badly of this. But, when I arrived, he was sitting next to this blonde girl talking with her, very aloof so I didn’t’ worried at the time. When he noticed me he went and said hi, I introduced him to my brother and my cousin and then he went back to his group but this time he sat beside one of his guy friends. When I was leaving I said bye from afar but I got the sense he didn’t want me to, like he was ashamed or something. We left the bar and went to a dancing club.

    At 4am, my brother wanted something to eat so we all went to this very casual restaurant that is open 24/7. Then Jim (Matt’s friend) arrived with a girl, so we said hi and chatted for a little while about the baseball game and then he left and sat in his table with his girl. Then, all of a sudden, I see that Matt’s group of friends from arrived, but I don’t see Matt. I knew from that moment I saw his friends that he was probably going to arrive as well. What I didn’t know was that he was going to arrive with the blonde girl. And so he did.

    He didn’t notice me noticing him and the blonde girl. He noticed Jim from afar who probably told him I was there because he immediately separated from the blonde girl and stayed with Jim, while the blonde girl had to find her way to his group of friends table. I didn’t see him kissing the girl or anything, but the damaged was done. He obviously was with the blonde girl. And although he put distance with the girl what bothered me the most was that he tried to act like nothing was happening.

    We payed the bill and left the restaurant. I acted as if nothing was wrong, and politely said good night to both of them (Jim and Matt) but my brother my sister and my cousins, who had met him going out with me, knew, and on our way out he said bye and they ignored him. After this I obviously pulled back.

    This happened two days before Christmas (23). I didn’t hear from him the 24, but the 25th he wished me merry Christmas at 10am. I didn’t respond. At 10pm he wrote back, “The polite thing to do is wish me Merry Christmas back”. He was obviously upset. So I wrote the next day (26) “Merry Christmas to you too”. And left it at that. Then he responded “The same day”. Meaning he was upset of not receiving a merry Christmas from me the same day he wrote. I ignored him.

    My birthday was coming up (29), and before anything happened I had discuss it with him, on where was I going to celebrate it etc. Obviously I didn’t invite him after what happened. But he saw pictures of me at my birthday. He wished me happy birthday and wrote “Thanks for the invite” on an obvious sarcastic tone. I responded “I don’t know what to say, I didn’t know if you wanted me to invite you” And I did apologize. He told me, no worries is already over, it’s ok.

    Then came new years. I felt a little bad about my birthday so I felt the need to wish him happy new year. I did, and he responded really good to. After doing that I came to conclusion that that was going to be it. I wasn’t expecting to hear from him again, in fact I kind of wish him happy new year as a way of saying goodbye. But he didn’t. He kept writing messages when his baseball team won against my baseball team. And sending me pictures of him in the stadium, etc. Each time I replied less and less, until one day I decided just to respond with an emoticon. Then his team won the championship and I congratulate both Jim and Matt together over Facebook in a private message. Jim responded really nice while Matt just gave me thumbs up. In that moment I felt it was it, again I lost all expectations of Matt ever contacting me again. About 2-3 weeks pass and I never heard from him again.

    Valentine Day arrived and guess who wished me Happy Valentines day?…Matt. He wrote “Happy Valentines day Mary!” “Hope all is well”. I replied “Happy Valentines Day to you to M!, How are you?”. But he never replied back. Leaving me really confused, what was the purpose of it if he wasn’t going to continue the conversation. But I left it at that. No more questions….

    On Sunday I posted a picture in my Instagram and he liked it. Then I went out with one of my oldest friends and she took a picture of us and uploaded to her Instagram. He liked it also… That was the last thing. After what happened on Christmas he went silent on Facebook/Instagram for a while, but now he is starting to post random thoughts again.

    So as you see, I really don’t know what to think. I’m really confused.

    My conclusion is that he is into me, but he is not ready for a relationship yet as he told me himself at the beginning of everything…

    I would reaaaally appreciate your thoughts on this one!!!!

    Thank you!

    • Hi Mary,
      I have a few questions for you. Did he always pay each time you were out? Did he ever bring up the talk or did you? And did he ever ask you why you didn’t want sex?

      You sound distant to me. Are you sure you’re not EU yourself before casting him as EU?

      My feeling is he didn’t think you were interested enough in him. And you can’t expect a guy to keep investing and getting nothing in return. That’s an entitlement mentality.

  • Hi Katarina I wish to tell you my story and hope you can help.

    I completely agree with your methods and teachings and have been applying them for years.
    I always let the guy do the chasing and I mostly lean back unless we are in a relationship. This has proved well for me and I have had a number of relationships but unfortunately chosen the wrong guys.
    I am 34 years old and have a nine year old son. I have been longing to settle down and have another child since he was born but unfortunately I separated from his dad when my son was born.
    Other two relationships I have ended because they were men not right for me. I would say at this point I had set my standards low without realising thinking if the guy ticks certain boxes ( right age, job, own place, wants more children ) I could make it work. One turned out to lack social skills, ambition and limited conversation and stimulation. Also he couldn’t manage his own affairs and lived a below basic life so eventually I became board and ended things.
    My last boyfriend was narcissistic. He came into my life like my dream man and was anything but. He appeared so confidant and swept me off my feet and was opposite to the last boyfriend above I was quickly hooked but ended the relationship when I realised what sort of person I was with.
    A few months after it ended I met my EUM that I am seeing now. I done all the right things, let him chase, leaning back etc which worked and he was very into me from the off set. From the start he was talking about a future together. He seemed like what I was looking for also. Due to my past experiences and not wanting to look to keen in the early days I would play down when he talked about getting together properly telling hi I did not want to rush into a relationship until I knew somebody properly as I did not want to make another mistake. In the first few weeks he was keen to label us always asking what are we and id reply ‘ special friends’ not giving anything away.
    I didn’t sleep with him straight away waiting about two months we had gotten quiet close by then. Around this time he continued to pursue the issue of labelling us and I said you haven’t asked me to be your girlfriend and I cannot just assume I am you have to ask if that’s what you want. His face showed complete shock and he asked me and I said yes… this is when things went downill. He then backed off / withdrew. I did put the two and two together and I had already read the book men are from mars… so I knew this was probably the elastic band effect.
    This also coincided with his work going off the wall. He is a self employed electrician and recently got a contract where he was on call most days and nights with sometimes having to work on his day off as he was in the process of finding help. ( I know the work situation to be true due seeing myself regularly various things and he was always in his work clothes for a good few week )
    He had previously told he was the best in bed in a FYI matter of fact type of way. I dismissed it at the time saying to him all men think there the best. Well he was right the sex was amazing and although I have had bad relationships in the past ive still had great sex but this guy is something different. This didn’t help matters when he withdrew and instead of leaning back which I know I should of I found myself thinking if he just spends some time with me I could plan a nice evening, go out, drinks and nice underwear and then he’d be hooked again. I was making myself available and getting let down due to work and other things. The final straw was he let me down just before he was supposed to come over to take me out to go out with his work friends. I have been seeing him for 4 months and this pattern continued for a few weeks.
    Inbetween this he was coming to see me very rarely in between his jobs so we could never relax as he would be leaving at any given time when a job came in. I did sleep with him a couple of times but this went against my moral values as it could appear that I was some sort of booty call.
    Throughout the time ive been seeing him he is in regular contact first thing in the morning and texts / calls throughput the day. This is also what kept me interested as I believed he would not contact me so much if he wasn’t really interested and decided to hang in there as the work situation would calm down.
    As I said letting me down for his friends was the final straw, he goes out regularly and I do not have a problem with that but I was basically stood up. I made it quite clear I had had enough of him. He knew it so came on really strong saying he wanted to be with me properly and hes taken on another worker so will have more time etc etc etc. I didn’t go along with it and was cold distant and refused to sleep with him cause I was still hurt. He said the next day he felt hurt by my rejection and I was over reacting. We spent the next few days discussing ‘us’ but never really got anywhere.
    I came to the conclusion I don’t want him as a boyfriend. If hes already proven to let me down and not put me first id be setting myself up for another fall and be in a wrong relationship. But as the sex is amazing the relationship could be basically just about that. Id never had a sex relationship before so the idea played with my morals. That’s when I came across your site and you advise about being more relaxed about sex and date other guys this is what might catch the man anyway.
    I found this very intriguing as I had made the mistake early on telling him it was only him in dating as I was giving him a proper chance.
    Ive told him im going to date another guys and I even sent on a date a few days ago. I told him this and that I would still sleep with him but see what else was out there because we are not in a relationship and its unlikely one would work. He was horrified when he thought I was being serious so I backed out and said I was joking. He was also saying stuff like he does want to be with me what makes me think he doesn’t. Erm YOUR ACTIONS I replied.
    I would say it is pretty much a sex thing ( probably see him once / twice tops per week for a few hours a time )at the moment but hes still in constant touch inbetween which makes me feel better about the situation.
    Other things to note is Ive have spent time with his daughter ( he has one same age as my son ) and he got on amazing hes said he introduced her to me in that way because I mean something to him. Hes also said he’s reluctant to get involved and give himself to someone if at the end of it there not interested and hes left heartbroken. ( I think something like that happened in the past) He has been married in the past for 10 years but now separated ( maybe less then two years / his daughters mom )
    My questions are do you think he is a lost cause? he gives little away emotionally and even about himself most of the time ( hes a Capricorn and they are generally like that and also take time before jumping into a relationship ) I want someone that I am at ‘one’ with and I am unsure if he would stimulate he mentally for the long hall.
    Even though I will start dating other people should I be honest to him. What if hes then not interested? It would upset me to lose him completely as I do like him and Im worried I will never meet anyone else that is as good as him sexually ( haven’t so far ) and am I gonna be permanently hooked on him due to the great sex?
    If A guy has proven to let you down how can you be sure he will change when you become commited?

    Thanks T

    • Hi T, What do you do other than sex when you do spend time together? If it’s not working for you then tell him, the amount of time you spend doesn’t warrant you to be exclusive with him because it doesn’t feel like a relationship enough for you. Ask him what should you do?

      Mind you he’s separated and an on a rebound. Do you know he has filed for a divorce?

      This is going to be the source of heartache to you.

  • Kat

    I just purchased your book and I read the whole thing in a couple of hours. It really just confirmed what I already knew deep down but reading it has really helped me. I have been with a great EUM for almost two years now. Yes, that is a long time but I have taken responsibility for all the pressuring, nagging and anxiety that has caused him to not commit. He has been honest with me from the very beginning and said he was not ready to jump back into a serious relationship and he wanted to take things slow. I have set us back with my behavior and I realize he just wants me to be happy with me and not rely on him for my happiness. We broke up about six months ago because he said he obviously doesn’t make me happy. There was no communication at all for about a month and then he called me on my birthday. We slowly started talking again and then seeing each other again. Since then, he has never pulled away or been distant for more than a couple of days but when he does I realize why and I give him his space.

    He has been a police officer for over 30 years and not only does he have a stressful job but he has been dealing with me and the stress and pressure of me trying to get him to commit when he hasn’t been ready. He is a very happy go lucky guy and I see now how much I’ve been bringing him down and pushing him away. A car accident over a month ago really woke me up and since then I decided to change some things. I’ve been happier and doing my own thing and I really feel like we are now making some good progress. He invited me to spend a weekend with him and some other couples. We had a great time and it made me feel really good that he wants to start introducing me to his friends. I will have to say he has been right about being cautious with me because I have not made things easy. Your book has really made me realize I am worthy and I do deserve a loving, fulfilling and happy relationship but that it starts with me loving and being happy with myself!!! Thanks again 🙂


    • Hi Abigail,
      Keep leaning back and work on your anxiety and your need for him to be a certain way so you can be happy with yourself. Once you take care of that, he won’t want to leave you ever again. Lure with honey. And please add me on FB so you can learn from other women who have made it.

      We’re going to start our new cycles of both of my coaching programs soon. Those will help you ground yourself so much.

  • Hi Katrina, I need your help. I dated my guy for 5 1/2 years. We were great together, but he’s gone half the time for work. Last year, he bought a house, and we moved in together. When his birthday 28th came, he started pulling away. He started seeking attention from an old female friend. He says it’s because I was pressuring him to get married, which I guess I was because I was watching all my friends around me get married and have babies, and because we fought a lot. I was also very insecure. We broke up in July, and he’s been hanging out with the girl since. However, we haven’t lost touch with each other at all. We take a few days here and there of no communication, but usually we can’t even manage that, unless he’s out of service at work. We still hang out a lot, go on dates, but he insists that he’s not ready to be back together yet. However, he says when he pictures the future, he’s still pretty sure that I’m the one who’ll be there. He also says that he still loves me and that love was never the issue. He just hated fighting, and me pressuring him to move the relationship along. Am I wasting my time waiting for me?

    • Yan, stop pressuring him. Pressuring a guy will never give you what you want. There are much better ways dealing with this issue. Please read my book. There lies the secret of why a guy commits to a woman and not to others. Your situation is still salvageable if you know how to play your cards right. You gotta inspire him to commit by increasing his feeling of attraction toward you, not through your masculine energy of directing and man-handling him because you are insecure. Work on your issues. My leaning back workshop and Journey Inward program will help you increase that attraction to he point that he can’t resist you.

  • So I have a relationship issue. I broke up with my ex (2nd time) in june. We went out for 5 1/2 years, he was my first love & high school sweetheart. My best friend (who I’ve known for almost 2 years & yes he really is my best friend) was broken up with about a year ago with his hs sweetheart & first love. She left him out of no where for another guy she was talking too while they were together & got pregnant less than a few months later with the new guys kid. A little less than a month after he was broken up with, I had also broke up with my bf the 1st time, we ended up hooking up. Then a few months later things got really complicated and we stopped talking & I got back with my ex.

    Now this past june when I broke up with my ex (2nd & last time) me and my best friend (let’s call him Josh) reconnected. After hanging out on an almost daily basis we hooked up again and soon we were hooking up 1x a month and now the past 3 times have been within a week of each other..

    We still hang out about 3-5x a week with each other, I spend a lot of time with him & his family, he’s even visited me at work, his family loves me & will even eat dinner together, and I spend the night at his house sometimes too. I don’t know if you follow astrology but our signs describe each other perfectly he’s a Pisces & I’m a Gemini. So he’s more quiet and to himself while I’m more loud outgoing and bubbly.

    He told me back in July we were just having sex but since then everytime we have sex it’s really intimate. Kissing, hugging, cuddling and stuff like that. I’ve really fallen for him bad and I feel like I almost love him since it’s been like this for months already. But I’m scared bc I don’t know how he feels & I’m scared to ask bc I don’t want to ruin what we have bc I do care about him a lot. We’ve basically been mutual in the sex aspect for a few months now.. I’m not sure what I should do!

    Any advice?? All my friends say I’m being stupid but I don’t want to believe it’s hopeless!

    Thank you,

    • Ella, my book deals with anxiety and uncertainty like this. I really think you should read it. Basically, my approach will be keep living your life and focusing yourself on the betterment of your life. If he keeps coming back (and as far as he initiates) it means he really likes you. If you are secure within yourself and emitting this non-anxious vibe, he will see you in a different light.

      • Thanks so much this helps me a lot I will look into getting your book and will keep you updated…here’s to looking forward!

  • Hi Katharina, well he is definitely not ready for a relationship as serious as I wished it would be. We were dating for a year, yet there was very little progress and he was never initiating. We never once argued so when he made the call it came out of the blue for me. He broke up because he saw that I was unhappy and he realized that we have no future together anyway. So I would say it is a clean break up. I know he still cares for me and doesn’t want to loose me all together, hence his suggestion to be friends. I, on the other hand, cannot give up hope yet and want to make sure I react in a way that doesn’t rule out opportunity for a reunion…if there is any chance left for that. Altogether, I am doing well at moving on, but his contact attempts make me wonder whether he misses me and is trying to reach out in some way. He suggested that my belongings stay at his place until I travel out there again so I was wondering whether I should plan the trip and make him see what he has lost… of course in a very laid back way.

    • Sure as long as you don’t have expectations. Long distance relationship is hard anyway. So que sera sera with him and date locally. You might enjoy both now!

  • Hi Katharina, first of all, I am really impressed with your strong energy and mind set – congrats! My boyfriend split up with me two months ago. Our relationship was long distance and lasted about a year. Looking back, I realize a lot of pain could have been prevented if only I would have leaned back and enjoyed, instead of letting my anxiety kill his emotions when he was still in love with me. Admittedly, the guy invested almost nothing into the relationship which was a problem for me, but instead of mirroring him I over invested and consequently initiated all dates, made myself available whenever his schedule allowed time together and totally fell into waiting mode for his next move, contact, text, email, whatever sign of interest. Of course, he began to withdraw after he understood that I am emotionally dependent (I hate to admit it, but I did bring up “the talk” at one point” and even was the first to say I love you). A few weeks later, he left me saying he wouldn’t love me enough for a relationship to work and that he doesn’t deserve to be with a woman like me but would like to stay friends – classic. Since then, I have been reading up on the EUM and all related issues and tried to react accordingly, i.e. I accepted the break-up in a respectful, dignified and non-confrontational way, stopped all contact, lived my life, went back to being a proud, independent, happy and overall much better female, and now he starts to contact me again occasionally hearing from his friends how well I am. I have a lot of things at his place which I need back and he said he would like it if they’d stay until I pop by again (note: this is in another state). I am not sure where to take it from here and whether there is still any chance of winning a guy back once you have scared him away and he made a decision to leave you, especially in a long distance situation. Is it still possible to turn the wheel around or is it too late? And what is the best tactic? Thank you in advance for your advice, Katharina.

    • Yes, it’s always possible and I have helped women do just that. There is no tactic other than being okay with whatever. That lightness of being is what attracts a man like a moth to a flame. So work on you first. I teach all the inner work necessary in my Journey Inward group coaching. You can start with my ebook first as the foundation. Once you get a hang of the philosophy, you can start finetuning yourself to adjust yourself to that ideal. It takes work though.

      • Hi Katharina, I read your ebook and I really believe in your lessons about the inner work. I still wonder if what you call “lightness of being” means to accept friendship if this is the only thing you can get from an ex after break up. A lot of coaches are really strict about NC and not accepting friendship offers, but I was wondering what a high value woman would do in my situation. Should I react to his friendly messages or shall I ignore him if I want him back? Thank you.

        • Hi Ludmilla, you can’t be friends anyway if you are still hurting. It’s better for you to heal and move on. That’s what will get you noticed: your absence. Is it a clean break up? Or is a back and forth situation cause he’s not ready and you’re unhappy about it?

  • Hi Katarina,

    I have been reading your articles and website for some weeks now and want to REALLY thank you for all the work you do and the insights I am learning that you have taught me and so many other women! It really adds light to the end of the tunnel of a very devestating & extemely painful break up which until doing my own research thought it was largely due to him being an EUM.

    Now I have read so much on how as a woman we contribute to men being EU it has opened my eyes to a whole new world.

    I am 39, attractive, confident & a positive person although my last 2 relationships ended in absolute devestation for me with both men becoming distant and eventually walking away. I lost my self esteem through these relationships, became ‘needy’ in the sense of not stepping back and became a wreck!

    My last break up was more than 3 months ago and I am still struggling although doing much better. I have been doing a lot of healing and soul searching in the last few months and see my contribution in the relationship break down.

    My stumbling point now is this…
    My recent ex and I have been in contact but he is still being distant with me. I have pulled back and started to use your techniques but although he responds positively he is still being distant. When he broke it off he told me that I had ‘hammered’ him! He was showing me a lot of love and when we were together, it felt so right when I was with him but he also was not stepping up with a number of things and being consistent. My way of dealing with it at the time was to tell him what I wanted, criticise what he wasn’t doing, not praise him for what he was doing and have talks! I felt he was getting all he wanted from the relationship but I wasn’t getting what I wanted.

    I want to see if he & I were able to try things again and I were to do things differently whether it could work.

    I know about your book and courses which I’m very, very interested in but I have a few specific things I wanted to ask you…

    I know he still has love for me but I can’t reach him even by pulling back. Is there any way for me to reach out to him to try and see if we can do things differently without me leaning forward too much?

    Also if the answer is yes to the above, when I think of some specific scenarios that happened when we were together I get stuck (taking your techniques into account) as to how I would deal with specific things that came up in a different way – i.e. we live in different countries and phone calls were important to me which I told him and although he called regularly he was either at work, with his family/ friends or about to go to bed. There was no time for significant phone calls for us to talk about things other than how we were, how our days were going etc.

    There is so much more to the relationship and things I wanted to ask but didn’t want to make the email too long and thought I’d start with asking you these things.
    Can you help?!

    Thank you,

    • Hi Rihanna, welcome! The fact is you are/were in a long distance relationship and it’s hard for most people. So unless you have a solid plan to be with each other, you should release yourself from this bind of exclusivity. Right now your focus is on trying to make him step up and the more you try to do it the less you are going to get it.

      What about just try to find some guys to date locally and free him from all obligations? Only then he might be inspired to step up because he can sense the shift in your energy.


  • Hi, Katarina.

    I came across your website when I was about to write a desperate letter to my crush with the sort of an ultimatum to stop our texts and communication because I don’t want to be strung along while he’s looking around. Your blog about leaning back brought me back to my sanity. The information is not new, but the way you deliver it is so clear and there is more logic in it. Other bloggers say if he is not around, he is clearly not into you and it’s time to move on. As painful as it sounds, it is probably true. However, I’d like to tell you my story, if you don’t mind, to give you some insight. We met on the dating site and started talking. We texted and talked over the phone excessively for the first week. We could talk straight 3 hours and it seemed he was addicted to me, as he always called and initiated the texts. I was always the one to end up our conversation as my phone was dying but he wanted to talk more. After a week or so, I got tired of just talking and wanted to meet, so I invited him to have late night drinks at a local bar but he said he had plans already, to which I said “That’s cool, let’s do it some other time”, he then said “I may still be able to, let’s plan to meet tonight”. That night we had a great time and the chemistry between us was so obvious. We didn’t kiss or anything, but we were talking and laughing like we knew each other for years. That night he asked if I could go to the beach with him the next morning. I said I had my 7-year old daughter living with me and I couldn’t leave her alone and he offered to bring her along. He doesn’t have any kids though his previous marriage lasted for 11 years. I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to meet my daughter that early, but I couldn’t resist the temptation of spending time with him. The beach turned out to be kind of awkward because my daughter craved attention and didn’t behave herself. After the trip he thanked me for joining him via text and then disappeared for 3 days. You can’t imagine my despair during that time, so I wrote him an email, saying that I missed our conversations and that I never actually pictured him to be my potential boyfriend. I said that I wasn’t looking to start a relationship with him, and that I only wanted us to be friends. I know, it sounds pathetic. Surprisingly, he responded right away, telling me that he had been busy with work, mentioning how he enjoys talking to me and how timing was very important. Which I figured he wanted me to slow down. He ignored my message about “friendship”, which got me to believe that he could read between the lines :))

    He became more consistent with his calls and messages since then and we had another amazing date (our third time seeing each other) which led to sex… We spent all evening together and the touches were electrifying, the kisses in his car made my knees weak and he asked me to go to his place. The sex was disappointing though. I had so many expectations, but it was so quiet, so generic. Kind of like what Carry from “Sex and the City” described her sex with Berger. I didn’t have an orgasm. I was still very happy though and decided to give him a benefit of a doubt, believing that first time can be tricky and maybe he was nervous. I didn’t stay overnight at his place although he asked me to stay several times, and left shortly after we had sex.

    Now it’s been two weeks after that sex date, I haven’t seen him since then and he’s been texting on and off, which drives me crazy because I think I’m in love. After I read your blog, I decided not to initiate texts or contact and I noticed that he writes more often when I don’t. I sometimes don’t respond for hours, and even the next day. I don’t know if he’s been looking for other options and just wants to keep contact with me just in case – it’s such torture. I know I have my own life and I’m actually starting school and am extremely busy, but I just can’t stop thinking about him and wanting to see him. I just don’t know whether this lean back approach can make him chase me. He seems so into me when we are together. But then he distant himself when we are apart. May he be thinking that sex happened too fast when he wanted to take it slow and now he’s taking it even slower? Or is his behavior a clear sign that he isn’t that into me? Could he be still texting just out of being polite?

    I would really appreciate any feedback from you, Katarina!

    Thank you.

    • Jennifer, slow down and hold your horses. You think and read way too much into this and the more you do it the more desperate you come across and it’s a turn off. Guys are very sensitive to your energy. I’m successful in coaching my clients cause I teach them to shift their energy. Trust the process and believe in yourself. Let him lead the process and let him define the pace. Stop questioning him and his motives. He needs a lot of space in the beginning to process everything until he feels comfortable being in this relationship. If you chase after him even with your leaning forward energy, he will feel smothered and less motivated to pursue you further.

      And no, sex is never the problem, your anxiety and expectations after sex are.

      Please get my book and sign up for my Journey Inward and Leaning back programs. All of them will assure and empower you to become an irresistible goddess he can’t afford to lose.

  • Hi,

    Just found your website after being redirected from a google search “boyfriend emotionally unavailable”. I am experiencing this problem and I am placing the blame on him, playing “victim” as mentioned earlier.

    My boyfriend and I have been together two and a half years. We currently live together and we have a daughter who is turning one soon. In the beginning of our relationship things were great. I was what you tell ladies in this situation to be. I knew my worth and it showed. I was never a pursuer always pursued. Well a few months into our relationship I lost someone very close to me and it shook my life. I no longer had my “rock” as i considered my mom to be and I was out of control internally. He pointed this out to me bc the fights were becoming HORRIBLE. I would fight with him over anything exerting so much masculine energy. It was a fight at least every other day.

    Things went on like this for a while, constant crying and apologizing. A few months after that soon after our one year anniversary I got pregnant. I asked him to move in with me and he did. We later moved to his parents house so we can save money when the baby came, we are still currently there.

    Although things are much better in the sense that the arguments are blown up anymore, things arent where I want them to be. I have been endlessly trying to work on myself to be better and focus on me but it seems hard. Its like teaching myself how to ride a bike again. I get stuck in the mind frame of “I already know how to ride a bike, I was a bike master!” and that probably adds to hindering my ability to be that way again.

    He’s always been laid back. Not extremely affectionate, passionate or romantic. I’ve understood this because before me his last relationship was a seven month stint in high school which I don’t seem to count. On top of that he doesn’t come from a home of love and affection. Most days actually his parent seems to ignore him, which breaks my heart for him.

    I feel like I don’t do that. I love him like I haven’t loved another but he doesn’t seem to have that “in love” spark with me the way that I have with him. He says he does, he wants to be with, yada yada but even when he does there is no passion behind it which makes it hard to believe.

    I love him, I want to be with him. I want to do those things your suggested. Getting to know SELF again and living in my feminine energy which is a hard thing to do because I’ve always been goal orientated. Always got things done, always took care of myself. Being vulnerable is scary to me and uncomfortable. Makes me feel silly like I’m out here in a love wilderness alone.

    Sometimes I feel like it’s impossible to do certain things that it requires to love SELF again now that I have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, i do love myself but not nearly the way I use to so i know I may be operating from neediness. How do I do those things for me while living with him and with a one year old?

    Please help.

    • Thank you for sharing, M and I hear you about how hard it is to be vulnerable. I was that person almost all my life. I wore my masculine facade because I felt more in control. I can help you much better when you attend my Journey Inward group coaching. Answering you here in a few sentences won’t do justice. And I have faith that with my help you will shift your perspectives and with it your energy as well to make you more reachable.

      He’s not romantic, passionate, etc…have you seen that your behaviors have very much to do with it as well? You being so reactive and confrontational doesn’t necessarily engenders romantic feelings in any man.

  • Lost, read this as an example of my point. Here’s another piece of good news in my women’s group: “Hello Ladies! I’d like to write a little update about my current situation. For those who don’t remember me (most of you probably don’t, since I’m new here! lol) – I’ve been living with a man for more than a year now, I started renting a room at his flat and we became intimate way too early, I scared him away with my insecurities and he asked me to move out next month.

    So, I actually made peace with my mind, realised that it’s better for both of us if I move out – we both need space, to spend some time separately etc.. so I leaned back and started looking for a new place. I’m not sure if I was doing everything right though.. but I stopped texting him and calling him (only small texts from time to time like what time he’s coming home from work if i’m cooking dinner etc).. I started meeting my friends more often, going out and smile more. Also my music studies started this week – it helped alot too, I also started dancing again (I had to quit a few years ago because of severe back pains) and I even got a performance booked for next month!

    I work on myself – stopped clinging on him and depending on him, especially for my happiness.. stopped expecting anything.. just enjoying the present moment and appreciating it. I do the same nice things to him – make dinner, breakfast, spend time with him when I can, but this time it is all coming not from that low place of desperation, but I genuinely do it and don’t expect anything back.. and something actually changed.. I smile more, I am nicer to him. I feel more feminine and relaxed… It helped me to actually appreciate him more for all the things he did to me (he even refused to take money for the last month of living at his place. he told me to invest it in my new home!). and guess what…. last night he came back from work.. and asked me to stay and not to move out!!! I was speechless!!

    He said he wants his babies ( our 2 little cats :)) – that’s how he calls them) – to live with him and also said that home wouldn’t feel the same without me! it was such a sweet thing to say.. of course there aren’t any major changes between us yet – the same “friends” situation.. but I think the fact that he wants me to stay, it’s a good sign! what do you think?

    Everything is sooo true what Kat is teaching here.. our mindset creates the energy which we radiate.. and men actually FEEL it so well and respond to it! But I really learned my lesson.. and I will never ever do the same mistakes again.. neither with him or any other man in my life.. I’m gonna do my best in staying the new me and will not let my old me to come back.. never ever!”

    I am amazed at how teachable women in my inner circle are. Everyday I read posts like this. And I’m so proud of them. Let me know if any of you want to be included and learn how to be enlightened anxiety-free women like her and hundreds others. And don’t forget get my ebook for your first taste of what being a high-value woman is all about.

  • Ok thank you Katarina. I did read your whole book (and go back to it almost daily). I guess my final question is: Could it be that he has more feminine energy or that he is just a jerk? Because he doesn’t like to put in “too much effort” as if not to come across as he is “interested” (even if thats how he truly feels). He has such a fragile ego. I mean literally speaking if he asks me out and i decline….it is really hard that he will ask me again. He says its because I said no that time and he doesnt want to feel like he is “pushing” me or “bothering” me. (I mean really now??) Be a man and grow some balls and put in some effort!!! Could there be men out there who do prefer a woman making some initiations because they are soo “Afraid”???

    Although I’m sitting here telling you how I feel I play a good role at “pretending” with him. What if you do feel like you are leaning back, and not initiating and acting “cool” and free and fun to be with but its still not where you want it to be? (I mean its been 2 years) Am i still acting out of my masculine energy for “wanting” more? Am i not being patient enough? While i enjoy him and his company i cant say that this part of not wanting or expecting more is enjoyable. I cant help feel what i feel and if we have a great time together to just want more of it.
    I mean he doesnt make me feel secure, if he wont “express his feelings” and he keeps me at an arm’s length— i may be in over my head here with this guy. Of course i dont want to force it out of him (I want things to happen or for him to see me because he “wants” it) but like i said, what if he isn’t capable of it at all? Are you getting this from him? Or is it really me having to not only lean back….but lean way way back? LOL


    • I doubt he is a feminine energy man. And don’t pretend please…that’s why it doesn’t work. You may think you lean back but your energy still leans forward if you are not truly weaning yourself off him. You gotta invest less and less so he can step up -if he really feels it for you. That’s the only way you’ll ever know and for you not to waste your time. Investing less means thinking less of him and focusing more on nurturing yourself and doing things that make you happy, that includes freeing yourself from this bind.

      You are single so act like a single lady. If he steps up and takes you out, go out with him and enjoy your time but don’t give more than he gives you. Be totally feminine. Just be and receive, nothing else. Less is more. You should make him less and less priority in your life. Put him in rotation together with a few other guys. Only when you truly are less available and he can feel it in your energy, he will be motivated to make a change -if he feels for you.

      He’s your “training ground” so use that opportunity to practice feminine skills. If not him, someone else will notice you and claim you. That’s what happened to me.

  • ok here’s a good one for you Katarina. I have purchased your book (thank you by the way) but am a little perplexed about what to do about “my situation”. The man i have been dating (for the past 2 years i may add) is most definitely passive aggressive/avoidant/EUM. As you may know an avoidant/EUM at times witholds affection, sex and overall has some deep issues with trust, getting close and overall intimacy. Of course he has not said that we are exclusive and or that he is my “boyfriend” but yet we spend a lot of time together, are great friends, talk every day all the time and just recently has he introduced me to certain members of his family (and he has met some of mine). I am trying really hard to follow your “mirror him” advice and while i do see that the more laid back i am, the less questions i ask and the less i expect- it seems the more i get or the more things “seem” to be progressing. My issue is however that he has not agreed to stop seeing other people. I hate this part. I force myself to see others but in reality I only want to be with him and spend time with him etc. It is hard to “pretend” not to care and it also makes me question whether or not a real commitment from him is at all really possible. Not to mention that he keeps me at arm’s length. The intimacy (kissing, touching, having sex, expressing feelings) is very very minimal. He literally says: “I wont and cant tell you how i feel”. “Even if i do love you and miss you I wouldnt let you know that”. It almost seems as though he feels he would lose control if he did (or like i would have the upper hand somehow). Needless to say this is a very frustrating situation. Of course I need affection and some sense of security. I dont know how to best handle a man who is Avoidant/EUM and has these passive aggressive tendencies. It’s been 2 years…how long do i wait? I do see “some” progress as i have mentioned but i am just afraid to be strung along and in this situation forever. I “feel’ he cares about me but how much can a man care for you if he isnt willing to take you all for himself? Is he really afraid of commitment or is he just completely incapable of it? How do i get what i want (more intimacy) without pressuring him or becoming too anxious?
    Hoping you can shed some light in all of this…
    Thanks Katarina!! 🙂

    • Lost, it is indeed a good one! 🙂 Thank you. Let’s dissect your situation a little bit.

      He told you where he was at (still seeing others), what about you? Do you mirror him? If not, why not?

      If you put all your eggs in one basket while he’s taking the liberty to do what he likes, you really are acting like a doormat. It doesn’t make you high-value in his eyes. So the solution is: go out and dates and be less available. Don’t tell me you only want him, blah…blah…blah… No it’s not that he’s so fabulous (he hasn’t shown much anything to you), it’s you who doesn’t think highly of yourself enough. So fix it and everything else will fall into place.

      How often do you see him and whose initiative is it most of the time? And please don’ wait for any guy. There is no “waiting” in my vocabulary, only “enjoying.” When you are waiting you don’t live in the moment, your mind is in the future and it will only create anxiety. You are way overinvesting in a guy who is lukewarm toward you. How did it happen in the first place?

      I really recommend you to attend both of my coaching programs, you need an inner overhaul to improve your self-esteem. And like many other women they’ll quickly realize their error ways pretty instantly. My method makes you see how you create all this reality to yourself and how you can turn it around.

      • Ah you are so wise! I get what your saying. In the beginning he was full on pursuit…i started to recipricocate and things started to get a little more luke warm. It is this constant push/pull with him. When i start to contact less and pretend to not want him or need him he seems more interested. Then when things start to get more involved (at his request i may add) because we start seeing each other more often, and doing things together he starts to panic it seems and he has moments (like one day) where he seems to back off a bit. I have learned to just mirror him in this sense and act as if nothing. When he calls or texts me again i act as if i didnt even notice or skip a beat because of it. I will admit that while i do not initiate any dates etc once he is “hot” and wants to see me all the time i get into this mode where I feel like im “winning” and getting somewhere and start to let my guard down a little and perhaps suggest getting together here and there. Isn’t that normal? I mean relationships are about “relating” and they should at some point “progress” you cant be stuck in the push/pull stage forever!!! I feel like he pushes me forward and then he retracts. He says things like “my family loves you etc” and elludes to the future at times but i dont know if he just says these things because he actually “FEELS” them or to keep me thinking that things are going somewhere.
        Last conversation we had about not being exclusive he said he didnt want me sleeping with someone else. (REALLY now?) Well if thats the case he knows what he needs to do and until then, he has no rights to me or to make any such requests (am i right?) The hard part is that i dont either. So I have to “pretend” to be seeing other people (when I’m not at times) in order to keep this “facade” going.

        But I get what you are saying. This has more to do with me and my self worth than anything else. Do you really think that he would “perceive me differently” if I was less available? How do I become less “available” when all i really do want is for things to progress and for him to be more “consistent” and WANT for me to be more available (LOL I know i sound like im crazy… but i think you know what i mean). Its seems the less I act like I care or “want” or “expect” the hotter he gets. But how long can someone live this way? At some point doesn’t all this push/pull have to reach a more sturdy ground?
        Do you think he does care about me? (Introducing me to the family (finally), having Sunday dinners. Being told that the next time they go on vacation he wants me to go as well. Him wanting to hang out with my family etc…. him asking why i didnt pick up if and when he has called etc.) He’s confusing me!! He is an Avoidant…there is no doubt about that and it is a very difficult man/situation to deal with being that they are so mistrusting and scared of getting close.

        I will definitely look into your programs but for now…. how should I approach this?

        Thanks again Katarina!!! 🙂

        • Lost, did you finish my book yet? There is a chapter on leaning back, read and meditate on it. Men are simple, so long the pursue is on, he will invest in you and the relationship. However, you like many women, don’t understand the principle at work (and neither did I for the longest time). You want to also take charge and pick up his slack and with it you are pushing him away with your masculine energy of leaning forward. The more you do it, the less he’s motivated to put in the efforts, and the more you try….and so forth, etc.

          Why would he be motivated if you’re doing his job? There can only be one person wearing the pants in the relationship, if you want to decide the pace and lead, you can be rest assured he’ll lose interest and motivation because he feels emasculated.

          My leaning back workshop deals with it in great detail and gives you the empowerment how to successfully lean back because it’s indeed mighty difficult. Many women see instant changes when they really practice this principle to a T under my guidance. Bottom line is men are drawn to feminine energy. So cultivate that energy and he’ll be addicted to you.

  • Hi Katrina, I’m in desperate need of your help. I really don’t know what to do at all. I’ve known this guy for almost three years now. We have been trying since then to establish a relationship but each time we try, we just drift apart the more. Recently over this summer, we started getting along. It was as if the vibe was beginning to set in, but then he started acting weird again. At times he doesn’t contact me till I contact him. And when he does, he just acts casual. When I ask, he’ll tell me that “its the 21st century” so I need to get used to contacting him 1st. I tried to contact him daily, tried saying all the I love you’s and sweet things to him. But it didn’t really change anything. He was always being critical of me, my looks and appearance, always being judgemental towards me and always wanted to have his way. I agree that I have made mistakes on my part,probably by not playing “the girlfriend part” even before he asked me out. He’s always telling me that he has met tonnes and tonnes of women and women are confused and deceptive. I still hung on to him, he then started bringing up excuses to why we can’t be together indirectly. I kept on supporting him and assuring him that everything would be okay. He continued putting me on edge, I always felt restless and unhappy around him. I decided to tell him that I was tired and I was ready to move on and not accept it anymore. I wished him luck finding the “picture perfect” wife. He apologised that night immediately, but since that night he never contacted me again. I feel like I want him back, I want him to realise that I care for him and I wanna be with him. But I just don’t know how to communicate the feelings to him. Please advice me on what to do. Thank you

    • Ummi, you are way in your masculine energy and overfunctioning (trying to fix things, row the boat, convince him, please him when he’s done none of that). Back off and do some major inner work. You are not acting like a high-value woman and that’s why he’s not responding. You are over-investing in him while the focus should be on you and to nurture you first. Please read all my blog posts to understand all my principles and please sign up for my Journey Inward and Leaning Back group coaching. These two classes will change your life forever.

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