Is He A Narcissist Or Am I? Four Signs Of Narcissistic Traits

Is he a narcissist or am I?

How many of you label a guy as a narcissist without even bothering to look at your own neuroses?  Unfortunately, it has become a trend nowadays and I want to correct it, once and for all.  Maybe you’re the narcissist after all.

I have noticed as of late this trend among women to very handily psycho analyze guys as narcissistic.  There are even numerous groups of former “victims of narcissistic men.”  Many of these women believe they’re “empaths” and their “specialness” of being an empath is why they attract narcissistic men.

So I conducted a free class on that.  Please like, love, comment and share if it resonates.

And I’ve been working with thousands of women the last 6 years so I’m familiar with their mindset, behaviors and main issues that cause them to come to me in the first place.  I read them like ABC and the minute they’re ready to be pointed out their major blind spot and change it, they transform their lives (romantic or otherwise) overnight.

Bottom line is this, whatever you don’t recognize in yourself you’re going to project on others and this is why one finger pointing three fingers back at ya!

So I’m a real skeptic of any woman charging a guy as narcissistic cause I know too well what most of these women are like.  I deal with them every single day.

They aren’t easy peasy either.  And in fact I dare say that majority of them are in fact the narcissists, using the exact same benchmark they’re using against these guys which is obviously very loose and self-serving.

Now before you get mad at this, I do recognize real cases of narcissism of various degrees, as a psychological disorder or mere traits.  In fact I have a client whom I advised to break up with her boyfriend because he’s showing traits of severe narcissism and bipolar/borderline personality disorder.  Though cases like this are mighty rare, most of them are really just women who don’t know to attract and keep a man attracted thanks to their neuroses.

And in fact narcissism is a spectrum, each one of us is somewhere on the spectrum.  Many of us are recovering narcissists or have just graduated from that stage.  Every human being will have to go through that stage before they can pass on the next level of growth.

Some adults never grew out of that stage, unfortunately and many of such people are women.

Learn more about how your unguarded mind creates this perception and projections…

However when most women talk about their narcissistic ex or EUM, the reality is they’re only projecting their egoic state of being, which is their own narcissism.  These men are merely taking care of themselves as they see fit and these women see it as an assault to their own egoic needs, because they don’t get their expectations met on how these men should behave which in itself the exact trait of not being able to put oneself in the other’s shoes which is a narcissistic trait.

And chance is they have done all the things that dampen their guys’/EUM’s interest in them. In other words, he’s not a narcissist. He’s just not into you enough after all the anxiety and leaning forward, pushy, nagging, mothering behaviors you’ve been showing to move things forward (listen to these meditations to relax into your body and feminine energy).

And then your therapist who only listens to your version of events from your very skewed perception of reality marred by very limited egoic mode of consciousness and who isn’t familiar with feminine/masculine dynamics nor have any real understanding of the things that I teach that create a healthy bond and relationship between a man and a woman hastily diagnoses your EUM/ex/partner as a narcissist.

Don’t listen to these so-called experts labeling people they never met narcissists, for Pete’s sake!

Anyone who is not suspecting your subjective reality aka perception isn’t an expert in my book. These people are of borrowed knowledge and haven’t done their own inner work. Find people with REAL knowledge and have discovered who they truly are. Only those people can help you.

This is why these experts/coaches often screw your relationship further with their misdiagnosis. Only centered people have discernment. The rest can only judge based on their own unresolved issues.

Any wonder why I’m a Lone Star in the midst of all this madness? Cause I’ve done my work.

I’m self-realized (to know what self-realization means and entails and how to get there, hop on Module 1 Journey Inward). I have come to the center and embraced every part of me. I’ve come to complete equanimity. I have come to the end of all emotional and psychological sufferings.

How many relationship coaches are self-realized?  Probably less than a handful as only less than 0.01% of world population is self-realized.  It’s the most elusive altitude in the evolution of consciousness.  To be honest I haven’t seen anyone else other than myself. That’s how rare it is (having said that I’m not saying it’s all thanks to me the ego, cause it happens by Grace (accident) but my methods will make you accident prone).

And combine that with deep knowledge of feminine/masculine dynamics and real understanding of male psychology?  Do you see now that I’m sitting on a gold mine?  This is why I haven’t delegated the coaching to others cause I don’t want my brand to cause others to have worse relationships as many of these coaches have caused.  My coach certification program will have to assure this very centeredness and it’s not an easy thing to do.

That’s how hairy this business is and how hard it is to become the source of sanity, balance and an impartial judge of what’s actually happening.  It’s all intuitive knowledge, not something you approach and memorized from the shallow mind.  Only balanced fully integrated people can do that.

Hence I see things in the kind of clarity not many see. With that much more widened vantage point, I can help every issue you face because I see and know the roots of it right of the bat. And when you’re ready I can help you heal it, once and for all.

These are the summaries of traits that can be categorized as narcissistic:

  1.  the inability to put oneself in other people’s shoes.  Their needs and feelings are tantamount and need to be known and heeded
  2.  the severe victim mentality, the inability to introspect, to be aware of one’s own flaws and toxic behaviors and emotions thus what aren’t being claimed will be projected to the world out there.
  3.  the expectations to be understood, empathized and treated with kindness and without judgment when lacking on those very traits themselves (hence the quick labeling of someone as narcissistic), suffering from the “one finger pointing three fingers back at ya” syndrome or they can dish it but can’t take it
  4.  being trapped in hard ego boundaries that make their demons that cause them to personalize every little thing as an attack to them personally or to make it all about them.  Narcissists have a real hard time relating to others and their sense of separation to the rest of the world isolate them further into that cycle of toxicity.

These are the most common traits of most women who come to me and all those make the reason why they have such a hard time with men.  And many of these women are both unwilling and unable to own their stuff so the easiest thing to do is to shift the responsibility away from themselves on why they feel the way they feel so this is why there seems to be such an epidemics of narcissistic men because the observers are the observed.

In other words, the reality is there is a serious epidemics of real low EQ (emotional intelligence) in women that make them uncommitable to.  They’re the energy vampires and that’s the short version why most men seem to be emotionally unavailable these days.

My teachings help raise their EQ…when they’re ready.  When they’re done trying to fix others but themselves.  When they’re prepared to face their own demons, to recognize their own stuff and re-own them.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well.

MORE: Explore Your Genius Zone So You Become Unstoppable In Both Love And Career/Business, Will Commence April 1

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25 comments

  • I feel it is dangerous to overuse the term narcissism, it takes away from the journey of people whom genuinely encounter it.

    Good that you have the knowledge and you can recognise it and advise one of your clients to leave.

    I do cringe when I hear this term narcisism overused.

    I myself was too young when I encountered this although I did get out of the marriage. No idea of the term, recognized the mannerisms in a trial in NZ of a tutor whom stabbed a student 67 times, only then did I start to understand and study this behaviour.

    I do recognize some people can work with and handle this behaviour more than others. I am not one of these people, maybe my lacking! The behaviour does not change, it is simply tolerated or handled better than what I could do.

    I can understand this through the words of my daughter. And what she experiences.

    I find it hard to listen too. But recognise she can handle it better than I. It is not healthy in my opinion.

  • Katarina

    I respect you, your articles and your blog. In fact, your articles and your approach helped me get to better place after a traumatizing year.

    However, I view yours as self-growth advice that assures abundance in all spheres of life. From the relationship perspective, you bring women back to a feminine, calm and dignified place. I highly respect you for helping women achieve this state. There’s no other advice that’s as good as yours with regard to this.

    However, a narcissist is no normal human being. They don’t understand introspection, reciprocity and they don’t have a working conscience.

    It’s difficult to come to terms with this idea of a person. You’ll be made to feel like you’re the cause for the failure of the relationship. They work like machines, not like human beings.

    The trauma bond is true.

    You’ll try to run in the hamster wheel continuously, until one day they trample upon your feelings and treat you like a mere object and discard you. You’ll not be able to let go, though. Finding your self-worth again will become an exercise.

    Sane, strong and sensitive women become victims because of the emotional investment or because of being in a long-term commitment like marriage.

    Many women come to your blog in an emotionally wounded state after a break up. They already may be in a place where they come with a lot of ‘what-ifs’.
    They may not be in a place of sound judgment.

    Many women, including the high value ones who are sensitive and empathetic get less than. Your blog helps them take care of themselves without an apology and they are your audience.

    As someone who respects your other advice, I don’t think that any sane and mature woman with a working conscience brands a man narcissist because of the split. This is in bad taste.

    This not only devalues all women and their level of maturity, it minimizes the struggles of someone who puts up with a narcissist. I also think that only mature women who’ve deviated from their high value state because of emotional investment or the ones who have become depressed and pining because of a break up take your advice in good spirit and see it for what it is and they are your audience.

    Having your feelings trampled upon is not an easy place to be in. Losing your sense of judgement is not a good place to be in. No woman who has been through this is dumb. They were once high value and confident woman.

    A narcissist is not a normal human being. I appreciate your simple and straightforward advice with no bs. But, all of us being on the narc spectrum and all that is not true. Everyone has shades of gray, but that’s very different from being a narcissist with no working conscience. I quite don’t like psychology terms that put people into a bucket and I agree everyone is growing and maturing. But, I don’t think that’s fair to anyone who have had to deal with people who have narc tendencies.

    I also like that you kept it simple when you listed the narc traits. Simple and straightforward – but it is my humble opinion that it’s best to leave it at that.

    • And most women use narcissist VERY loosely so why should I use it in a strictly clinical form when it’s not what it means? I’m simply addressing the prevalent practice of labeling men narcissists with no much preponderance. Emotionally unhealthy people are bound to project and a lot of women are emotionally unhealthy hence they come to me. So I will take their evaluation of other people’s mental health with a grain of salt. It’s not saying that there is NO narcissistic abuse whatsoever but often it’s not as black and white as most women think it is. It’s a toxic dynamic between 2 codependent people who enable each other.

  • Ok, I love this. Narcissist is an over used, and mis-understood term. We all have a level of narcissism and hardest thing in the whole world is to turn and face it…but once we do…and understand the deep wounds that created it, we begin the adventure of self development that leads us to a safe place in our hearts. We are all works in progress. Relationships that ‘blow up in our faces’ and leave us bewildered at some one else’s behavior, give us 2 choices. 1. Blame the other person 2. Take a hard look at our part and do the work it takes to become a healthier version of ourselves. True narcissism is not gender specific, it is a super sad, destructive mental illness….

  • Well…

    A true personality disordered individual on the narcissistic-psychopathic spectrum tends to behave in pretty much the opposite way to these described commitment phobics. These people stalk you, chase you, love bomb you, guilt-trip you. They are intense, will put you on a (very fragile) pedestal and will talk about nothing BUT commitment. They will pressure you and will usually be pushing for marriage within a few weeks to months and they mean it. These people are extremely controlling. The long-term goal is total control over your life. They will then proceed to destroy you and any independence you have in your life to the degree that they sense they have control.

    So yes, it does becomes meaningless to talk about personality disorders if we start to mix in every man (or woman) who is a bit immature, sexually opportunistic or just happens to make relationship choices other than what we would prefer. I do see this happen. In truth, nobody owes anyone else a relationship. Unless both people want one, what is the point?

    But I have to disagree that this would be what the majority of women (and men for that matter) seeking to recover from narcissistic abuse are doing. A lot of these people have experienced real emotional or physical violence.

    And not everything in the ‘narcisstic abuse community’ is about women complaining about ‘men’ but often involve relationships with family (especially parents), friends, co-workers and employers. Teachers, cult leaders, what have you. The stress of these experiences can then set you up for lowered self esteem and increased risk of abuse in your future romantic relationships as well. So in no way is it helpful to downplay the real risks that are out there.

    Part of the skill set we all need in life is to have knowledge of these things and how to spot ‘red flags’ early on in any new relationship, romantic or otherwise. We also need to learn how to cut our losses and leave sooner and safer when we are uncomfortable. Fear, guilt and social expectations can be real enemies here. Especially the idea that a woman’s value comes from ‘succeeding’ with relationships.

    Developing attraction skills is all well and good, but there are times when we need to repel someone as well, with as few negative repercussions as possible.

    The reason men are more often labeled ‘comittment phobic’ may be that they simply tend to face fewer social drawbacks than women do for putting themselves first. Also, since the ‘comittment phobe’s know that women are socially rewarded for being in relationships, they might be sensing when a woman is more interested in the relationship than in the actual man himself.

    So there are two clues as to what needs to happen for women. Women need to stop seeing relationships as a measure of her success, stop being afraid of moving on when things don’t work out, and we all need to stop shaming women for leaving relationships.

  • All people are narcissistic it’s a survival mechanism you wouldn’t survive if you weren’t slightly narcissistic, and to be honest some love being with a narcissist because of the attention of being hard done by I know this because I play both roles narcissistic people suffer most but I do think kats article on the painbody can cure it in us all everybody shows these four traits in kats post I can see it in myself an majority of people

  • I agree that there are many people with low EQ and lacking self awareness, which causes them difficulties in relationships. However I don’t think that women should be held responsible for men being unable to commit. I am a therapist myself and I tend to stay away from labels such as narcissist, instead I point out problematic behaviour and help men or women create boundaries as to what they will or will not accept. A pattern of abusive behaviour is a pattern of abusive behaviour, regardless of the label stuck in it. Your article is very concerning as it seems that you lack humility, which is a very important quality of any therapist and furthermore you clearly have some agenda against women which could be a result of something you haven’t resolved from your past. You are at risk of causing many women harm.

    • You clearly don’t know me and your opinions don’t mean anything. You can’t be the most successful relationship coach in the world without the uncanny capacity to read people and understand human nature.

      • Lol you sound like a narcissist yourself. I can’t believe someone challenged the most successful relationship coach. The nerve!

        • But I am the most successful relationship coach. My vision 20/20 allows me to be just that. Open your mind.

    • Well…

      A true personality disordered individual on the narcissistic-psychopathic spectrum tends to behave in pretty much the opposite way to these described commitment phobics. These people stalk you, chase you, love bomb you, guilt-trip you. They are intense, will put you on a (very fragile) pedestal and will talk about nothing BUT commitment. They will pressure you and will usually be pushing for marriage within a few weeks to months and they mean it. These people are extremely controlling. The long-term goal is total control over your life. They will then proceed to destroy you and any independence you have in your life to the degree that they sense they have control.

      So yes, it does becomes meaningless to talk about personality disorders if we start to mix in every man (or woman) who is a bit immature, sexually opportunistic or just happens to make relationship choices other than what we would prefer. I do see this happen. In truth, nobody owes anyone else a relationship. Unless both people want one, what is the point?

      But I have to disagree that this would be what the majority of women (and men for that matter) seeking to recover from narcissistic abuse are doing. A lot of these people have experienced real emotional or physical violence.

      And not everything in the ‘narcisstic abuse community’ is about women complaining about ‘men’ but often involve relationships with family (especially parents), friends, co-workers and employers. Teachers, cult leaders, what have you. The stress of these experiences can then set you up for lowered self esteem and increased risk of abuse in your future romantic relationships as well. So in no way is it helpful to downplay the real risks that are out there.

      Part of the skill set we all need in life is to have knowledge of these things and how to spot ‘red flags’ early on in any new relationship, romantic or otherwise. We also need to learn how to cut our losses and leave sooner and safer when we are uncomfortable. Fear, guilt and social expectations can be real enemies here. Especially the idea that a woman’s value comes from ‘succeeding’ with relationships.

      Developing attraction skills is all well and good, but there are times when we need to repel someone as well, with as few negative repercussions as possible.

      The reason men are more often labeled ‘comittment phobic’ may be that they simply tend to face fewer social drawbacks than women do for putting themselves first. Also, since the ‘comittment phobe’s know that women are socially rewarded for being in relationships, they might be sensing when a woman is more interested in the relationship than in the actual man himself.

      So there are two clues as to what needs to happen for women. Women need to stop seeing relationships as a measure of her success, stop being afraid of moving on when things don’t work out, and we all need to stop shaming women for leaving relationships.

      • Do you even read the article? It’s about women labeling men narcissists. No doubt narcissistic abuses happen in other contexts (even in this context, I never denied it but just questioned the rampant accusations). And when in the article or the site overall did I ever say that a woman’s value comes from succeeding in relationships? Projecting much?

    • I totally agree!

  • I lived my my entire adult life believing *I* was the problem. It wasn’t until having a friend come over to help me with housework and seeing him treat her EXACTLY the same way he treated me I realized that I wasn’t the problem. I am in one of these groups now. And it is run by a therapist. One of the biggest things a true NPD partner does is make the other person feel like they are completely inferior and that they are the problem; shifting blame and making true empathetic partners feel admin if they’re the ones with the problem. It is always best to get an actual therapist that specializes in NPD involved. I started my therapy always asking ‘are you sure I’m not the one that’s NPD, because he always told me ‘you’re crazy’ if I would ever dare to call him out on anything. Please, if you are reading this article, go see a professional therapist that specializes in dealing with NPD. I finally got out of my relationship; but a narcissist used the exact same abuse cycle patterns of a person that domestic physical abusers use and brainwashing is very common.

  • To me, it sounds like you think all women are narcissists. You are a bit of a hypocrite aren’t you? I’m sure that there are just as many women as there are men. Men are by far innocent. One sex is not better than the other. As far as this statement, “He’s just not into you enough after all the anxiety and leaning forward, pushy, nagging, mothering behaviors you’ve been showing to move things forward”, let me tell you something… men EXPECT women to be their mothers and don’t you dare say they don’t. Doing their laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, sounds like things a mom does, doesn’t it? There’s not many relationships in my opinion and observations that would let me say that men take care of themselves. They put us into the mommy role and then when stuff gets bad, they turn to words like nagging, b****ing, and acting like my mom. Its all good until women get tired of it. I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish here, but I hope no woman buys into this.

    • I like how you’ve articulated it!

      Reciprocity is a given and a natural expectation.

      No mature woman expects too much from a man than he expects from her.

  • People attracted to narcissists are often co-dependent (and have similar traits to narcissists on the surface). Another term used for the sort of people who are attracted to narcissist is an ‘echoist’. If you’re teaching people to have healthy boundaries then you can help these groups of people. But they’re not truly narcissists. If you’re really helping people to – ultimately – change then it’s unlikely they are narcissists. Narcissists very rarely change or seek help. One of the most painful things that people coming out of a relationship with a narcissist have is self doubt and self loathing – so they really don’t need to read a post that is quite so damning. Often they will be labelled some quite horrific things – maybe some are justified as these relationships get pretty ugly – one of those things can be that THEY are the narcissist.

  • Thank you for the honest gut level truth!!! So many of us have an incredible NEED to be victims and sick as hell, excuse my French. You have shined a beautiful light on my sick issues and I am thankful!!!! Working as a counselor, I understand that 75% of those of us are sicker than the clients. So if you have a therapist of anyone that is not telling you the truth about who you REALLY are ……you are wasting your money!!!!!!

    I happened by our website this morning, I have struck gold!! Thank you

    Mary Benson, mbensonc@yahoo.com

  • Lmaoo

    And why should anyone listen to you over a trained therapist

    I will give it to you, not all these men are narcissists.

    But you seem like a pick me and call the women pushy and act like the men are innocent

    I’m willing to bet it’s both men and women that are the problem

    • Cause these so called experts are of the mind, not the experiential insights. They’re of borrowed knowledge not intuitive or REAL knowledge. They parrot what their mind studied from other people, instead what they have discovered within themselves. This kind of people rarely help. I help way more people than these so called experts. I’m a proven soul doctor who changes lives every single day.

      • Sorry Katarina but you sound incredibly narcissistic to me. I started reading the article and agreed with your point, that we often see ourselves without blame and can project things and we should realise we do bad things too and work on our own growth. But then you on to talking about how you’re part of the 0.01%, you are a Lone Star, you’re sitting on a gold mine, and all therapists out there are wrong. Girl, the only way you’re not narcissistic in this is if you’re being ironic on purpose.

        • You don’t live in my body, how do you know what I see and experience being in my body and having the brain that I have? I don’t expect you to believe me. There is nothing to believe here. You are like the 99.99% population that has no concept nor experience of what I’m talking about and that’s to be expected and you exactly prove the point I’m trying to make of how rare this phenomenon of being in this state of liberation is.

        • This is exactly my thoughts reading the article and responses!

    • hmmmm this is such a difficult one

      I’ve just come out of a four year relationship
      I have a chronic illness later day he Lyme disease that affects my brain all emotions neurophysch issues plus debilitating body pain stiffness
      it’s he’ll

      anyway I had to leave my husband due to years of his depression guilt mental then actual physical abuse
      he tried to choke me during sex then late justify it
      the high stress of life threatening stage illness my inability to satisfy him make him happy like I used to go to much
      when the physical began I knew I had to go
      I was still primarily housebound and walking difficult

      after 6 mths I met a man with cerebral palsy only bent legs the rest a handsome spunk
      we became friends as I was isolated we became close he started to come around a lot then we moved into intimate
      the sex was amazing then he started to talk boast about his past conquests
      I told him that it’s upsetting and I pulled back he then persisted and he started to change so I thought
      as time went on our love grew he only saw me never spoke of other women again was there for me
      I was happy as I could be
      I made sure he had plenty freedom
      as it was important to him he was a free spirit
      however as time went on I noticed he lacked just the basic respectful qualities you desire from a partner
      like hi honey I’ll be home at such and such would you like something at the shop
      he just turned up when suited him
      Then he started to say things that just weren’t nice
      And then started to rave on about how attractive other women were
      he would watch shows on tv and say oh I’d like to bend her over

      he was bores he’s changed
      I hadn’t changed I was holding onto what we had or what I thought we had
      I thought this guy would see it through
      he then started to drop hints about THREESOMES
      we had had years of great sex passionate and there was love
      obviously not enough love
      I thought he saw me and how much I loved him Would be enough
      not the case

      don’t get sick ladies that’s when true colours come out

      and men can be very selfish
      estimates 15 per cent men stay wit chronically ill women
      compared to 65 70 per cent women

      I have never been treated so bad since sick
      and the nariccsisim from men that shines through over time
      has now put me off another relationship

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