If He Won’t Commit to a Relationship Do You Stay?

he won't commit to a relationship

So you are smitten, head over heals, seeing forever but he won’t commit to a relationship with you.  What makes this more confusing is when he acts like a boyfriend.  He spends time with you, treats you well, keeps in touch, and tells you all the things you love to hear.  Why won’t he take that step and commit to a relationship?  Does he just need more time?

If you are like most women, you stay loyal to this man.  You don’t date others and you hope that in time he will step it up.  You tell yourself he just needs more time and then you come up with justifications for this decision.  Things like his ex cheated on him, he has trust issues, his job is stressful, he is depressed and so forth and so on.

I am going to be blunt here.  These are stalling tactics that men use.  It softens the blow and it keeps the average woman hanging on.  Men are capable of continuing to date a woman that they are not head over heals in love with.  They like you enough  but not enough if you know what I mean.  I am not saying these men will never step up, but I can tell you that remaining so loyal to these men does not inspire them to do so.

He won’t commit to a relationship should I give an Ultimatum?

I am not sure exactly what giving an ultimatum to a man that won’t commit accomplishes, other than putting more pressure on him and causing him to pull away more.  Yet many women resort to this.  It’s like their final attempt to control the relationship and where it’s going.  It’s like saying if you can’t give me what I want, I am out of here.  No regards whatsoever to where he is at in the relationship timeline. If you insist on giving a man an ultimatum, lace up your walking shoes, you are about to go on a long hike.

Ultimatums don’t work because words don’t work on men.  Actions are what they relate to, it’s what makes them feel.  Katarina often reminds her clients to talk less.  Wise woman she is and she knows what she is talking about here. Sadly many women insist of having discussions over and over with these men about where the relationship is going. Months a years pass by and they are still talking about where the relationship is going.

STOP PRESS: Draw Him In With Your Feminine Magnetism, A Complete Guide To Being A Formidably Irresistible Woman

When You are Scared to Lose Him

Most women stay and remain loyal even when he won’t commit to a relationship because of the fear of losing him.  It just so happens that this fear is the one thing that will kill a relationship the fastest.  Fear is felt by your partner.  It feels like desperation and there is nothing attractive about desperation.

A long term boyfriend of mine was in fear of losing me.  We lived together, carried on like boyfriend and girlfriend, but I would not commit to that final step.  I knew he wasn’t my forever.  He was a good boyfriend and yes I loved him, but I knew he wasn’t the one.  In hindsight, I should have set him free earlier, but like a lot of men, I was selfish I suppose.  I mean he was happier with me than without me, so I suppose I justified it that way.

You see I knew he wouldn’t leave.  I knew he was more invested and would put up with my nonsense.  The thing is, the longer he put up with my nonsense, the less I respected him.  The less I respected him, the less likely I was to really commit to the relationship.  The less I committed, the more fearful he got. The more fearful he got, the more he would bend over backwards to pick up my crumbs.  I lost all respect and attraction and ended it for good.  When you are in fear in a relationship, you self sabotage.  You kill the attraction.

Do I Leave if He Won’t Commit to a Relationship

Sometimes the answer is to leave.  If it’s causing you pain, then leaving may be the best choice, but it’s not your only choice.  You can do what Katarina calls downgrading him.  Downgrading him means you stop making him a priority in your life.  Downgrading means you get busy with your life and date others.  Start a rotation. Open yourself up to the men that do want a commitment.

This is not some kind of game to get him to step up, though that is often the result.  This is about being a high value woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t waste her time nor invest her heart into a man that won’t commit or “might” commit one day.

Ultimatums, talks, staying loyal, giving more won’t work when he won’t commit to a relationship.  Being high value and easy to lose is far more likely to inspire a man to commit to you.  Understand the process of how a man falls in love with a woman.  If you do things right, there is a chance this frog is still going to be boiled as many of Katarina’s clients would attest.

MORE: Whatever You Do Pick A Path That Is Easy To You, Surrender To What Is

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.


  • Hi Kat, i just bought your book last week and i desperately need your help…

    As much as i loved this article, it left me with a new, millennial question in my mind :

    If things are tense after a particularly tough conversation where he basically made it clear that while he wanted me and wanted me only, he wouldnt be able to commit till ‘next year fully’ because of work priorities (he just opened up a new business)

    I have on and off dated this man for 2 years and we almost got engaged last year till he pulled away completely because of some cultural differences that came up (different nationalities,countries, cultures) Looking back, i see my fault 100% and know what i did wrong/defiantly to create that insecurity in him by acting out.

    As it presently stands, we are in total limbo. Neither here nor there. We are in different countries and were in long distance. We took a trip last month for the first time till the almost-engagement got called off. I fought with him to no end, was reactive, brought up the past, gave him an ultimatum 3 times. He would claim each time that he loved me, only wanted me.

    But heres the thing; ever since November last year (when the engagement plans pretty much ended) he pulled away so much that he rarely began to call, rarely talked, i had no idea about his life other than what i would see on snapchat.

    I was hoping things would get better after this trip, particularly after my MANY ultimatums and that he would start acting like he meant it when he would break down in tears and say ‘youre my soulmate. I only want YOU”
    However, it has been a month almost since ive come back home from the trip and we are back to square one – ZERO calls, communication, a text every 2 days to check up on me, CONSTANT SNAPCHATTING me of his day – but no real communication. No real talking. At all.

    This time i have gone full cold on him as well. i barely react. i havent brought up talking about our future anymore at all since my ultimatum didnt work on him AT ALL. And he has gone back to his old ways of completely resuming life, going out, working (ALL WHILE SENDING ME VIDEOS OF ALL THIS) but never ever of us talking anymore.

    I want to block him. I know theres a big chance of a future together as i will be moving to his city for my Masters in September and i know being able to see each other more often will put us back on track.

    But now i just think about my own self-respect. Even after having the talk multiple times, him crying and begging me not to leave when i gave him the ultimatum — even after all that drama — he is still the same. ZERO COMMUNICATION now that i am back home. NO EFFORT at sorting out our issues. His family and friends love me, and technically we were due to get married this year.

    Do i block him fully and completely (particular on Snapchat – where he snaps and sends me pictures all day) and just attempt to move on OR do i just downgrade him for now, work on myself (i have had major anger/reactive issues that i now have played 70% role in not only the rift in our engagement and relationship) , continue to barely speak to him and then see what happens when i move to his city eventually?

  • A word of advice from my own experience…Being bold and true to yourself gets you the relationship/marriage…every..single..time!

    I dated a man who was not pulling his weight and was taking me for granted. He said he was not ready for a commitment but wanted to keep seeing me. That was my cue to back-off but instead I stayed present as his “almost girlfriend”–give him more time I said… just have fun and relax I said. But after 7 mos of dating, I knew I wanted a relationship. Then he became “too busy” for me all the sudden. I decided to take the high road by being calm and cool and giving him his space. I even became more understanding and flexible and was super nice to him because I thought he would eventually be ready. Next thing I know, after 10 mos of dating me, he disappear for 30 days and had a new girlfriend. And when he and his gf broke up, he’d want to see me but then he’d disappear and ignore me again once his gf forgave him and they were back together.

    Fast forward to Guy #2. We dated, hit it off but then he started pulling away and canceling our plans. He also said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but this time, I backed away completely. I started dating someone else and gave him the cold shoulder. I told him that we obviously want different things and its best that we just be friends and I date other people. But I lied, I was not his friend at all! I mostly ignored him and told him I was busy. The man went bunkers! He called me non-stop, texted me non-stop, sent me gifts, started talking about taking me to all my favorite places. He did a 180! He went from barely answering my texts to begging to see me. He then said he had a change of heart and realized that he did not want to loose me and eventually became my boyfriend, now fiance.

    Moral of the story…stick to what you want and leave when you don’t get it. Men might not like ultimatums but they always respect them and when they respect you, your value increases.

    I had to learn the hard way, multiple times–multiple failures, multiple heartbreaks. Then enough was enough! I put my foot down and said I wouldn’t bend for any man but my husband. Met my now fiance who proposed after a year of dating. I stayed true to myself the entire time and accepted nothing short of what I wanted.

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