He Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship, So Why Does He Act Like A Boyfriend?
Why do men often give conflicting messages? He says he doesn’t want a relationship, yet he acts like a boyfriend. He says he’s not ready for a relationship yet he won’t leave you alone. Should you trust his words or his actions? You are so confused yet he makes you happy with his consistent leaning-forward. When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship -yet he likes and adores you-, remove all expectations and just treat him like another reason to have a more enriched life living in the glorious moment until you can’t enjoy him anymore because you are no longer attracted or find someone better.
Arida is in a label-less relationship. Everything feels like a relationship and he acts besotted and in love yet refuses to call them a couple -and “only” best friends. I wrote about her before here and also here. She is one of most successful clients I have because she just gets it after the inner work she has been doing since meeting me.
Here’s her situation: “Katarina, we are always told to pay attention to a man’s actions instead of his words, right?
But how do we know which one is true as both contradict each other significantly?
And if he keeps telling you the same thing, he doesn’t want a relationship, its basically the truth, no? But what about his actions that tell us different thing?
It never really bothers me until today…he kept holding my hand but he kept saying we are best friends. He said he is afraid to have a girlfriend because she would end up doing like his ex wife (they’re going through a divorce now). I told him that not everyone is like that and I am not like that. He replied, as a person you are nice but you are not my girlfriend. He says he doesn’t want a relationship and isn’t ready for a relationship.
I answered him back, I’m not talking about being your girlfriend. I am not gonna do that to anyone because I have gone through the same thing that you are going through.
We are basically like a couple. We share our money. We only spend time with each other. We share probably only with each other. I can hang out with his family anytime I want, even without him around but he keeps telling me that we are best friends. When I told him that best friends don’t have sex with each other, then he started to talk in circles. It’s so confusing because I don’t see him going anywhere.
When I tease him that we’re not gonna be hanging out forever, he asked me back, why do I think that way because whatever label we wanna call the relationship, he said he would always be looking for me because I understand him and always know what to say or treat him. Yet he did tell me that he has no idea on what he is doing with me.
Like this afternoon, I thanked him for lunch. He said, we are always generous to each other but once he gets married, things wont be like this ..
It never really bothers me, but when he keeps telling me the same thing, he says he doesn’t want a relationship, it makes me wonder. All I can see is that he isn’t ready to face the responsibilities in a relationship. He is still hurt and scared. And I was having dinner with him and his mum. His uncle came out of nowhere wanting to claim his late father’s money. He was arguing with his uncle. Then he kept telling me that he has many things to handle as the only man in the house now.
I know that he already loves me. Last night he was so worried about me getting sick for two days straight. He said, I hate to see you weak. And tonight he nagged so that I would take my meds. There are a lot of other things. They are too many to list down but he still says we are best friends.
He is definitely dependent on me, emotionally especially. He said to me today that I am the only person who makes him happy.
I asked him jokingly, if one day I no longer wanna have sex with you, you would seek elsewhere, right? He reluctantly said yes. I joked with him, “Then go.” He gave me a long stare and asked me back, “You won’t let me, right? You think I sleep around? I only do it with you.”
I am good being in this relationship so far. I don’t feel like I need to give him ultimatum or anything. Helping him and his family makes me happy inside. Being a feminine woman, one day if I realize the relationship no longer serves me, I will walk away silently without any drama. For the time being, I love what the relationship brings.
Even though I asked this question, it doesn’t mean I’m worried. I don’t really care because, like what you tell me, I know I will be fine, with or without him. He won’t find anyone like me. He knows it that’s why he said he would always look for me. I just wanna understand his intention because he keeps telling me the same thing over and over.”
I wrote about this before: if his actions are better than his words, trust his actions.
Arida, sometimes there is no way to understand. It’s just a guy thing. They are scared of the expectations. He is realistically not in the right place for a new relationship. He’s going through a divorce and then in the midst of it he recently lost his father too.
Emotionally, it’s just too overwhelming for him to wrap his mind around the fact that he is now responsible again for someone’s happiness -or at least that is how he feels through his failed marriage as women do have lots of expectations from their partners.
A woman is often too focused on relationship and it’s often too much for a guy. He wants easy relating but the labeling and expectations feel smothering to his sense of independence (listen to this class to know why).
The label opens a huge can of worms. You aren’t and won’t be like those women these guys are so accustomed to because you follow my teaching but he won’t know it for sure. Like he said, things just change the minute the relationship is labeled the way it happened with his soon-to-be-ex wife. Many guys, believe it or not, experienced this one time too many. They are still feeling the burn.
He knows he wants to do all the things he has been doing with you because he loves you and it makes him happy, yet he can’t reconcile the other part of him that feels so real to him: i.e. he’s not ready for a relationship or another commitment.
Only because you are now an evolved woman, he can’t resist you (which man can?). You are the embodiment of everything a man wants from a woman. You have no agenda, no expectations and are not needy in the slightest. You accept him the way he is, you get him and love him unconditionally. You are indeed his best friend, and it’s not a shabby title.
A man can only eventually marry his best friend.
You’re doing the right thing not to worry so much. And you know when to walk away -just like you say-, when this arrangement doesn’t serve you anymore, as I outline in my book. And you’re correct, as a woman of dignity there will be no need for drama in any stage of the relating or unrelating (BTW, there is actually a kind of drama that makes a man hooked on a woman, find out how).
Every situation is different in nuances. Your case is the one of a man refusing to accept responsibility and expectations of relationship thanks to his situation yet he practically gives the kind of commitment and consistency a man in love does thanks to your irresistibly factor. It won’t make sense to walk away from a truly working/functional relationship just because he won’t call it relationship. You can call a rose by any other name and it will still smell like a rose.
You can refuse to see him if he sees other women and he won’t have any problem to do just that. In your situation you can define your terms the way I did with my EUM. And since the ball is on his court to make this official, you’re “legally” still single. Assess your situation day by day. When you are in doubt you can always use your “single card.” You are not obligated to him, the way his refusal to call you his girlfriend makes him free of obligation to you (though he’s well aware of the “consequences” of not acting right cause you are a high-value woman).
It’s really not a bad arrangement considering many so-called committed relationships aren’t half as functional as your “non-relationship” is.
As usual my advice is care less. When you care less, he will need to care more. And I know you have been just doing that.
Let him take care of his divorce first. Once it gets out of the way, he can breath a little easier. He says he doesn’t want a relationship at this time and it’s pretty common. He isn’t ready for a relationship more than likely if he is recently separated or awaiting divorce.
When he says he doesn’t want a relationship or he is not ready for a relationship, mirror him….in every aspect. So before he has the chance to say that again try to tell him that though you love him you two are just friends. Say it several times in different occasions. Trust me he will stop saying and trying to convince you that and he will instead try to understand what you mean. 🙂
If you want to learn more practical advice on how to deal with your partner or men in general (what to say in certain situations, how to respond/behave to his annoying traits, how to calm yourself not getting reactive each time you are triggered and how to inspire him to give you everything you want/need in the relationship, sign up for this brand new program “Four Components Of Melting His Heart” coming this March 30.
Wanna hear Arida’s story and learn so much from her how to turn a dead relationship around? Get it here and sign up for the Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship monthly membership to hear other Goddesses’ stories like her.
Update on Arida and how to turn a man around when he says he doesn’t want a relationship
UPDATE 1: I got this email from Arida on 4/3/2014…they’re officially a couple now: “Kat, it’s been a while since I shared stories with you. At first I thought everything was going so well…I wanted to share with you that he has turned EA (emotionally available) instead of EU. It happened last week when he was surprised that I kept talking like we had no future together. He wants to give us a try but he appreciates the fact that I understand him enough to give him the time and space to sort his divorce out (to look for money to pay for the divorce settlement). I was certain about him moving on with the divorce because he had a long talk with his ex (the first meet up after she left him) and he told me that he finally had his closure. He assured me that they aren’t going back together..he didn’t even go to his cave while dealing with all this. Instead, he spent the night with me and talked about us.”
Update 2, 4/28/2014: Hi Kat, I just wanna share with you that things are going so great between us lately. I think he is crazy about me! We hadn’t seen each other for 4 days including the weekend because he was on leave. So we did our own stuff during weekend because I needed some space to deal with my issues (I quit my job last Thursday and I needed time to process that in my head). We only texted each other last weekend and he loves the fact that we are not gonna be working in the same company (even though he said that there will be no more breakfast together). Both of us feel that its good for our relationship. We agree that nothing is gonna change between us.
Today is his 1st day working since his annual leave. He was missing me so much that he actually touched my hand and face while I was having my breakfast at the meeting table. We talked for a while until our boss appeared and join us. When he left to go back to his department, he texted me that I looked pretty and sexy today and he liked it. It has been a while since he said things like that. Oh, last night, we spent 3 hours in the middle of the night flirting on Whatsapp. He just missed me so much but he knew I wanted to stay at home with my family.
We had lunch together just now. His hand was on my lap the whole time while we were in the car. He wanted to eat somewhere far from the office because he wanted to spend time with me. While eating, he said that he is only happy when he is with me. And he told me that I get the best of him i.e. he is patient with my childish moods at times and even puts efforts to make me smile again. He was not this kind of person before, he said. And he wants to make sure that everything between us is always smooth sailing. I don’t know how to say this Kat but we are crazier about each other than during the courtship stage. I am so happy to be with him everyday. We have the best relationship. He has already planned our date for the next public holiday. Thank you Kat for everything. Being feminine and high value is so worth it. We both told each other just now that we bring out the best out of one another.
Oh, I forgot to tell you one thing. We were flirting last night…I was talking about us having sex…but he corrected me. He said that we don’t have sex but we make love. He said that it is how he feels.
Actually, he isn’t the mushy type at all. At least to me. He is actually hardcore Alpha but he only shows his soft sides with me. I am not the kind to care about alpha/beta label but I am happy with a super alpha guy who only shows his beta characters with me. Coz thats how he is. His subordinate cant even stand him because he is too bossy..lol..and she asked me how on earth I can handle a guy like him…All I answer is that: let him lead and agree with him most of the time…lol.
This was the man who told me to find a bf because i was clingy. This was the man who hates kissing and made excuses not to hug me after sex. This was the man who said I was just his best friend. So, after all this and he started to be mushy with me, I am not complaining! Lol
I am 100% against man bashing because I take 100% responsibility in my relationships. I do come across a few jerks here and there e.g. a guy who suddenly went MIA after asking me to marry him, a guy who insisted that I drive to his hometown for a 1st date, a guy who said ILY too soon but cursed me when I said I needed time…But I chose not to focus my energy posting about them and just move on with my life. Thats how high value women roll, right? Walk away drama free. If I complain about bad behavior in men but continue to be in a relationship with losers, I guess, the problem would be me..lol..
My relationship transforms because I don’t focus on his behavior but my own. It’s funny, he said to me yesterday that he finds it weird coz he didn’t treat me this well before. I just smiled and told him that I do notice that and I appreciate it so much. Trust the process and focus on being the best version of you. Your man will appear when you least expect it! I can feel your positive energy in this group. Dont stop. 🙂
Have you read my book yet? If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them. And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now. If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters. This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman. You can also be irresistible like Arida and get him to step up and claim you by attending my Journey Inward group coaching.
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