He Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship, So Why Does He Act Like A Boyfriend?

he says he doesn't want a relationship

Why do men often give conflicting messages?  He says he doesn’t want a relationship, yet he acts like a boyfriend.  He says he’s not ready for a relationship yet he won’t leave you alone.  Should you trust his words or his actions?  You are so confused yet he makes you happy with his consistent leaning-forward.  When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship -yet he likes and adores you-, remove all expectations and just treat him like another reason to have a more enriched life living in the glorious moment until you can’t enjoy him anymore because you are no longer attracted or find someone better.

Arida is in a label-less relationship.  Everything feels like a relationship and he acts besotted and in love yet refuses to call them a couple -and “only” best friends.  I wrote about her before here and also here. She is one of most successful clients I have because she just gets it after the inner work she has been doing since meeting me.

Here’s her situation: “Katarina, we are always told to pay attention to a man’s actions instead of his words, right?

But how do we know which one is true as both contradict each other significantly?

And if he keeps telling you the same thing, he doesn’t want a relationship, its basically the truth, no?  But what about his actions that tell us different thing?

It never really bothers me until today…he kept holding my hand but he kept saying we are best friends.  He said he is afraid to have a girlfriend because she would end up doing like his ex wife (they’re going through a divorce now). I told him that not everyone is like that and I am not like that. He replied, as a person you are nice but you are not my girlfriend. He says he doesn’t want a relationship and isn’t ready for a relationship.

I answered him back, I’m not talking about being your girlfriend.  I am not gonna do that to anyone because I have gone through the same thing that you are going through.

We are basically like a couple. We share our money. We only spend time with each other. We share probably only with each other. I can hang out with his family anytime I want, even without him around but he keeps telling me that we are best friends.  When I told him that best friends don’t have sex with each other, then he started to talk in circles.  It’s so confusing because I don’t see him going anywhere.

When I tease him that we’re not gonna be hanging out forever, he asked me back, why do I think that way because whatever label we wanna call the relationship, he said he would always be looking for me because I understand him and always know what to say or treat him.  Yet he did tell me that he has no idea on what he is doing with me.

Like this afternoon, I thanked him for lunch. He said, we are always generous to each other but once he gets married, things wont be like this ..

It never really bothers me, but when he keeps telling me the same thing, he says he doesn’t want a relationship, it makes me wonder.  All I can see is that he isn’t ready to face the responsibilities in a relationship. He is still hurt and scared. And I was having dinner with him and his mum. His uncle came out of nowhere wanting to claim his late father’s money. He was arguing with his uncle. Then he kept telling me that he has many things to handle as the only man in the house now.

I know that he already loves me. Last night he was so worried about me getting sick for two days straight. He said, I hate to see you weak. And tonight he nagged so that I would take my meds. There are a lot of other things.  They are too many to list down but he still says we are best friends.

He is definitely dependent on me, emotionally especially.  He said to me today that I am the only person who makes him happy.

I asked him jokingly, if one day I no longer wanna have sex with you, you would seek elsewhere, right? He reluctantly said yes.  I joked with him, “Then go.”   He gave me a long stare and asked me back, “You won’t let me, right?  You think I sleep around?  I only do it with you.”

I am good being in this relationship so far.  I don’t feel like I need to give him ultimatum or anything.  Helping him and his family makes me happy inside.  Being a feminine woman, one day if I realize the relationship no longer serves me, I will walk away silently without any drama.  For the time being, I love what the relationship brings.

Even though I asked this question, it doesn’t mean I’m worried. I don’t really care because, like what you tell me, I know I will be fine, with or without him. He won’t find anyone like me. He knows it that’s why he said he would always look for me.  I just wanna understand his intention because he keeps telling me the same thing over and over.”

I wrote about this before: if his actions are better than his words, trust his actions.

Arida, sometimes there is no way to understand. It’s just a guy thing. They are scared of the expectations.  He is realistically not in the right place for a new relationship.  He’s going through a divorce and then in the midst of it he recently lost his father too.

Emotionally, it’s just too overwhelming for him to wrap his mind around the fact that he is now responsible again for someone’s happiness -or at least that is how he feels through his failed marriage as women do have lots of expectations from their partners.

A woman is often too focused on relationship and it’s often too much for a guy. He wants easy relating but the labeling and expectations feel smothering to his sense of independence (listen to this class to know why).

The label opens a huge can of worms. You aren’t and won’t be like those women these guys are so accustomed to because you follow my teaching but he won’t know it for sure.  Like he said, things just change the minute the relationship is labeled the way it happened with his soon-to-be-ex wife.  Many guys, believe it or not, experienced this one time too many.  They are still feeling the burn.

He knows he wants to do all the things he has been doing with you because he loves you and it makes him happy, yet he can’t reconcile the other part of him that feels so real to him: i.e. he’s not ready for  a relationship or another commitment.

Only because you are now an evolved woman, he can’t resist you (which man can?).  You are the embodiment of everything a man wants from a woman.  You have no agenda, no expectations and are not needy in the slightest.  You accept him the way he is, you get him and love him unconditionally.  You are indeed his best friend, and it’s not a shabby title.

A man can only eventually marry his best friend.

You’re doing the right thing not to worry so much.  And you know when to walk away -just like you say-, when this arrangement doesn’t serve you anymore, as I outline in my book.  And you’re correct, as a woman of dignity there will be no need for drama in any stage of the relating or unrelating (BTW, there is actually a kind of drama that makes a man hooked on a woman, find out how).

Every situation is different in nuances.  Your case is the one of a man refusing to accept responsibility and expectations of relationship thanks to his situation yet he practically gives the kind of commitment and consistency a man in love does thanks to your irresistibly factor. It won’t make sense to walk away from a truly working/functional relationship just because he won’t call it relationship. You can call a rose by any other name and it will still smell like a rose.

You can refuse to see him if he sees other women and he won’t have any problem to do just that.  In your situation you can define your terms the way I did with my EUM. And since the ball is on his court to make this official, you’re “legally” still single.  Assess your situation day by day.  When you are in doubt you can always use your “single card.”  You are not obligated to him, the way his refusal to call you his girlfriend makes him free of obligation to you (though he’s well aware of the “consequences” of not acting right cause you are a high-value woman).

It’s really not a bad arrangement considering many so-called committed relationships aren’t half as functional as your “non-relationship” is.

As usual my advice is care less.  When you care less, he will need to care more.  And I know you have been just doing that.

Let him take care of his divorce first.  Once it gets out of the way, he can breath a little easier.  He says he doesn’t want a relationship at this time and it’s pretty common.  He isn’t ready for a relationship more than likely if he is recently separated or awaiting divorce.

When he says he doesn’t want a relationship or he is not ready for a relationship, mirror him….in every aspect.  So before he has the chance to say that again try to tell him that though you love him you two are just friends. Say it several times in different occasions.  Trust me he will stop saying and trying to convince you that and he will instead try to understand what you mean. 🙂

If you want to learn more practical advice on how to deal with your partner or men in general (what to say in certain situations, how to respond/behave to his annoying traits, how to calm yourself not getting reactive each time you are triggered and how to inspire him to give you everything you want/need in the relationship, sign up for this brand new program “Four Components Of Melting His Heart” coming this March 30.

Wanna hear Arida’s story and learn so much from her how to turn a dead relationship around?  Get it here and sign up for the Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship monthly membership to hear other Goddesses’ stories like her.

Update on Arida and how to turn a man around when he says he doesn’t want a relationship


UPDATE 1: I got this email from Arida on 4/3/2014…they’re officially a couple now: “Kat, it’s been a while since I shared stories with you.  At first I thought everything was going so well…I wanted to share with you that he has turned EA (emotionally available) instead of EU.  It happened last week when he was surprised that I kept talking like we had no future together.  He wants to give us a try but he appreciates the fact that I understand him enough to give him the time and space to sort his divorce out (to look for money to pay for the divorce settlement).  I was certain about him moving on with the divorce because he had a long talk with his ex (the first meet up after she left him) and he told me that he finally had his closure.  He assured me that they aren’t going back together..he didn’t even go to his cave while dealing with all this.  Instead, he spent the night with me and talked about us.”

Update 2, 4/28/2014:  Hi Kat, I just wanna share with you that things are going so great between us lately. I think he is crazy about me! We hadn’t seen each other for 4 days including the weekend because he was on leave. So we did our own stuff during weekend because I needed some space to deal with my issues (I quit my job last Thursday and I needed time to process that in my head). We only texted each other last weekend and he loves the fact that we are not gonna be working in the same company (even though he said that there will be no more breakfast together). Both of us feel that its good for our relationship. We agree that nothing is gonna change between us.

Today is his 1st day working since his annual leave. He was missing me so much that he actually touched my hand and face while I was having my breakfast at the meeting table. We talked for a while until our boss appeared and join us. When he left to go back to his department, he texted me that I looked pretty and sexy today and he liked it. It has been a while since he said things like that. Oh, last night, we spent 3 hours in the middle of the night flirting on Whatsapp.  He just missed me so much but he knew I wanted to stay at home with my family.

We had lunch together just now. His hand was on my lap the whole time while we were in the car.  He wanted to eat somewhere far from the office because he wanted to spend time with me. While eating, he said that he is only happy when he is with me.  And he told me that I get the best of him i.e. he is patient with my childish moods at times and even puts efforts to make me smile again. He was not this kind of person before, he said.  And he wants to make sure that everything between us is always smooth sailing. I don’t know how to say this Kat but we are crazier about each other than during the courtship stage. I am so happy to be with him everyday.  We have the best relationship. He has already planned our date for the next public holiday. Thank you Kat for everything.  Being feminine and high value is so worth it.  We both told each other just now that we bring out the best out of one another.

Oh, I forgot to tell you one thing. We were flirting last night…I was talking about us having sex…but he corrected me. He said that we don’t have sex but we make love. He said that it is how he feels.

Actually, he isn’t the mushy type at all. At least to me.  He is actually hardcore Alpha but he only shows his soft sides with me.  I am not the kind to care about alpha/beta label but I am happy with a super alpha guy who only shows his beta characters with me.  Coz thats how he is.  His subordinate cant even stand him because he is too bossy..lol..and she asked me how on earth I can handle a guy like him…All I answer is that: let him lead and agree with him most of the time…lol.

This was the man who told me to find a bf because i was clingy. This was the man who hates kissing and made excuses not to hug me after sex. This was the man who said I was just his best friend. So, after all this and he started to be mushy with me, I am not complaining! Lol

I am 100% against man bashing because I take 100% responsibility in my relationships. I do come across a few jerks here and there e.g. a guy who suddenly went MIA after asking me to marry him, a guy who insisted that I drive to his hometown for a 1st date, a guy who said ILY too soon but cursed me when I said I needed time…But I chose not to focus my energy posting about them and just move on with my life. Thats how high value women roll, right? Walk away drama free. If I complain about bad behavior in men but continue to be in a relationship with losers, I guess, the problem would be me..lol..

My relationship transforms because I don’t focus on his behavior but my own.  It’s funny, he said to me yesterday that he finds it weird coz he didn’t treat me this well before. I just smiled and told him that I do notice that and I appreciate it so much.   Trust the process and focus on being the best version of you.  Your man will appear when you least expect it!  I can feel your positive energy in this group. Dont stop. 🙂  


MORE: Being A High Value Woman And Easy to Lose Will Make Him Weak In The Knees

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  • Dear Katarina,

    I admire your work,  your talent, positivity, and all your success in treating the heart matters.  And I wonder if you have any tips on how to salvage a relationship with an unwilling man? Like above, with Arida, he doesn’t want a relationship. But unlike Arida, I am desperately failing. If anyone knows what to do, that would be you.

    Sadly, this is an age gap relationship. He is 16 years younger. When we met we just clicked and none of us could believe our age gap (he looks older).  I was so love struck and within 2 months of  mutual friendship, I jumped into a relationship with him. Or so I thought… In the 1,5 years we have been together, I realise he has put me in the “friends with benefits” category. This was not my dream but how can I change that? He will only see me at my place, he won’t take me out on dates or in public or on holidays (saying there is no reason for those). He said he ideally wants to find a girl of his own age (30) to marry and have kids, implying that if he finds that, we will split.  He also said, if I meet the ideal man for me, I will leave him, and if he finds the ideal woman for him, he will leave me. So to avoid future pain, he said we should not be in a relationship. I think this is a stupid reasoning. So he wants me to accept a ‘non strings attached’ situation. I find this so sad and degrading… I told him this is immoral, and he said ”if you ever overcome your quilt, I will be waiting for you to come by’.

    I want him to change his mind and be with me long term and properly, regardless of marriage and kids. In my eyes, he is all I could wish for, which made me forget his age completely. But it seems he is quarded and afraid to have something more. So, I stopped seeing him, for 8 months, just to see his reaction. There is no reaction! He didn’t run after me. How can he be so cold? If I send him a message, he will answer in 5 seconds, but he will never initiate messaging me! I quess he wants to have the upper hand and to look ”superior”.

    Is there any hope that he feels my feelings one day, or am I dreaming…? Is logic always stronger than feelings? I am already letting him go, and feel so disappointed I wasted nearly 2 years waiting for him to offer me a relationship. He decided ”no relationship will be offered” while I was waiting on standby, like a victim, doing nothing.

    What else can I do Katarina? Do I stand by, watching it crumbling to pieces till the end? I don’t believe I will find another man I like so much. My last relationship took me 9 years to recover. God knows if this one takes as much for me to heal.

    Also, I am too proud though to confess my love to him. I never told him ”I want a relationship, otherwise I am leaving you”. Instead, I disappeared from his life. He didn’t even look for me. Why…? Do you have any programme which would help salvage such a hopeless situation, like this one? It feels so dead and I will do anything to resurrect it…..

    Marcia xxxx

  • Hi, i am in the same spot right now. My ex boyfriend says he wants to live alone. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. His family is pushing him to get me out. But he says hes not ready for me to leave. He cant sleep without me and tells me he loves me one min and then the next says he has strong feeling for me. There r days where he wants to make love and then the other days he says we can spend the whole day together and then he will just leave and not ask me to go or anything. I am so confused. I think there is someone else. But he swares theres not. His family wants to give me a notic to move because his mom jas never cared for me or wantes us together. She has always tried to get him to meet other women with me aitting right there and now ahe has the perfect women for him in her eyes and has been pushing him to be with her to the point where almost 3 weeks ago he told me i had till thankshiving to pack all my stuff and move out. I have no family and no job because i cant seem to find one. I have been filling out apps and following up and everything for a year now and nothing. So i am in a really hard spot.
    He also asked me today if his family does give me a notic if i was going feak out on him and make him lose his gun rights. I asked if thats the reason he hasnt had them give me the paper he is crazy. And yes i have tried to walk away and stay in the other room. But he is ao sweet and qmqzing when he is not around his family and they r not blowing up his phone. So i give in. I know i need to just let go and give his space. I do alot of stuff i shouldnt do and i hqve pushed him away. He has been soing everything i am doing now for the past 3 years and i have just brushed it off because he has anxiety really bad. I need help to stop texting him when he is not around me. We were always together doing stuff and for the last 3 montha he has just wamted to do stuff by his self. RIGHT WHEN I MEEDED HIM THE MOST. I LOST MY GRANDMA AND MOM 5 DAYS APART. And thats when i noticed he was slowly moving away. Then another women came into the picture and got him all messed up his head. Now i just want to know how i can just stop reacting to everything and let him be?? He has been my life and i am trying so hard to just move on like he seems to be doing. Except when its time for sleep. Sometimes he wannts me and others he just wanta me to aleep next to him. HELP ME PLEASE…

  • Hi, I know this post has been here for a long time but its simply so relatable to a certain extent that I just have to leave a comment and clarify my doubts.
    Firstly, my boyfriend and I broke up recently and his reasoning is that he is incapable of being in a relationship with me. This is contributed by the fact that his family situation is very screwed up and being a student overseas just makes him become a person who is constantly thinking about what he can do, being an emotional support for his family and studying hard to get a good job to solve tight family financial situations. He said that the situation has screwed him over and he is constantly thinking about things and I am not one of the things. He said that his love towards me has changed into just simply taking care of me emotionally and that is not in a loving way. We are trying to remain friends now but I just feel like apart from the level of intimacy we had, everything else is the same, how he takes care of me a lot, wipe my tears and give me hugs when I cry, carries things for me, lets me lean on his shoulder when I am sleepy and even willing to have movie night with me once a week if we are both free. I just simply don’t believe that feelings can change so instantly and even if it did, what should I do when I still love him so much…

    • You just have to move on, date others and focus on your own happiness and trust me he’ll bounce back. Get my ebook so you know what to do when he’s back.

  • Hi my husband recently left me after 23 years of marriage and within a very short time was living with someone else. He has started being all flirty and trying it on with me when he sees me and is texting me constantly we have slept together a couple of times since he’s been with this other woman. He says I understand him but he doesn’t want to lead me on because right now he doesn’t want to come back to me but he can’t let me go totally. I’m so confused all his actions says he still wants me he’s lovey dovey and kind and caring and we’ve talked about the things that went wrong in our marriage the last year or so. I thought I would find it really hard to see him because I still love him but right now it seems to suit me being on my own and just seeing him when I can but I still want him back so much. I’m just confused as to whether I should just give up and move on or stick it out for a bit and see what happens ? Help !!!

  • Hi! My boyfriend of 3 months told me on our 3rd month anniversary jan 18th that he needed a break from dating and needed time for himself because while dating he asked for it and I never respected it which is true, I was devastated cuz he had been telling me how happy he was. Anyways weve been talking daily still on text/phone, seeing each other still….we go to sleep on the phone with each othet still and a few days ago he said hes honestly happy im in his life then he told me he loved me on text with a heart after…when we see each other he holds me tight n kisses me on the lips, he still stays the night sometimes, and rubs on my leg, hand etc like he’s always done…he told me he can still see us living together in future like he’s always seen us……. but right now we are on a break….I am so confused…he says he needs time for him and ive been giving it, letting him contact me n decide when we hang out etc but like above. When we see each other we kiss, hug, act like we r together…is this normal?

    • I recently went through the same thing, a guy a dated for about 2 months came on hot and heavy said he wanted to focus on me, make me his girlfriend, be monogomous, Then suddenly, he told me he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, that he had too much “on his plate” right now. Yet he continues to call, text, ask me what I had for dinner , etc. I told him I was dating other people and that this is uncomfortable for me. If he wants to be with me in the future, I told him to contact me then. Perhaps I would still be interested/and available. I told him I wished him the best in working out his “issues”, and I wanted him to be happy.

  • Hi Katarina, just discovered your blog.
    I cannot read all the stories here, but I juts thought I’d share my story with you now as I really need to know what you think about it. I am so confused and don’t know what to do.

    I’m 21 and 3 months ago I met a 22-year-old guy. At first I just thought he’s a nice person but I didn’t like him as a guy. A couple of weeks after we met, his friends told me that he finds me cute and they were trying to hook us up. A week later, at a bar, he comes up to my best friend and tells her that he likes me but he doesn’t know what to do. Then another week later he told her that he thinks I keep treating him as a friend, and my best friend told him she thinks I’m interested in him too (which was kinda true, I started finding him attractive). So after that, each time we were at a club (and a little drunk obviously) we would hold hands, and generally act as a couple. Some people who don’t know us well even thought we were dating. However, in our sober days, we barely talked. I mean, he never texted me or anything (just a few times). This kept going on for weeks, and then one night he stayed over at my place. We cuddled, kissed. After that he texted me once, and when I invited him to study with me (he actually asked me to do it, like “why do you never invite me to the library?” lol), he said that he’s lazy and wants to play video games with his friends. This pissed me off, and I just stopped texting him (well it’s not that we texted each other much before, but still). So we didn’t talk for three weeks. Then on one Saturday night, he had a party at his house and his friends were really begging me to come, so I did. Once he saw me there, he asked if we could talk. He asked me what happened and why we don’t talk anymore. I said that I just didn’t want to be annoying and that he never talks to me or texts me. In fact, he once ignored me at the bar, although he did see me. I told him about that, and he said that he was standing too far from me talking to someone else, and he was too drunk (most stupid excuse I’ve ever heard). He said it’s his mistake, but it only happened once, so he kept asking why I’m so mad at him. Then he said that I’m his friend and we shouldn’t ignore each other. After this conversation, I thought it was over. Yeah we’re just friends and that’s it. But then a week later he stayed over at my place again, and, again, we spent that night cuddling and kissing. Two days later, the same thing happened. Now I’m more confused than ever. The thing is, everything’s fine when he’s drunk. He always posts my pictures on his snapchat calling me “bae” and stuff. However, when he’s sober, I feel like he treats me like crap, by rejecting to come whenever I invite him and stuff like that. Also, another important thing to mention here is, his friend told me he likes a girl, and apparently this girl is his ex. Their relationship was complex, and now they’re not together anymore but he likes her very much. So I think he’s just using me to make her jealous, because I know he’s mentioned my name once when she was around, and I believe she’s seen us at the bar, but only once or twice. Other times, whenever we were acting as a couple, she wasn’t there. So this theory has not been proven yet either. I don’t know, in the beginning, everyone was sure that he liked me, he actually told his friends and my friend; but even then he never acted like he liked me. He still doesn’t act that way.
    I just do not want to be used, whether it’s for the purpose of making that girl jealous or just as a body to cuddle with and kiss (we haven’t had sex). The problem is, I like him and he knows that.
    I think ignoring him again is not a good idea, and I just need to talk to him about it. But I’m afraid he is not sure about his feelings either, or will try to avoid answering my questions.

    Thank you Katarina,


  • Hi Katarina,

    I really enjoy reading the advice you offer. I have a question. I have been involved with a guy for only a couple of months. It initially started out as a fling, so I didn’t expect it to progress or anything. But he started contacting me everyday, even when he was out of town. So naturally I caught feelings. Things changed a little. He stopped inviting me to hang out with him and his friends. He said I always “police” him. Unsure of where we were, I decided to go on a date with an ex. I posted a picture of just myself and he called me. He knew I was out with another guy and was upset. He claimed that he was upset that I was in his area and didn’t invite him and that I didn’t keep it real with him. But later he said that it’s too early to say we’re exclusive so it’s ok if we date other ppl just as long as we’re honest about it. He always says he wants to go with the flow. So I try to go along with it but get confused. There was another time when I was out and he called three times. I didn’t answer and I didn’t text. he sent me a message later that evening saying that he hoped I enjoyed my time with the other guy and sent another message later that night. He was upset that I was on social media, but ignoring his calls. He said that it wasn’t that I was out with another guy, he just doesn’t like to be ignored. I decided that I wasn’t going to complain anymore about him taking me out or where we were. I let him come over a couple of times this week. Last time he was over he wanted to use my computer. He said I was acting paranoid about him on my computer and asked if I had pics or videos on it. I was a little worried b/c I didn’t want him to see my history. I told him I didn’t, so he pretended to see something and I grabbed the computer and closed it. He told me that if we were together that would make him not trust me bc he would always remember that. Yesterday I saw that he posted a picture of him out with a college classmate. That bothered me, because we haven’t gone out to eat in a while. I’m not sure what to do at this point. It almost seems like I can’t win either way. He’s not ready for a relationship, but wants to keep his foot in the door.

  • Kat, I don’t know what to tell you anymore in order to thank you for your teachings and support and advices!!! It’s like magic! Even the way he stares at me it’s different now. I can see love coming from him in every smile and every touch and every word ! Crazy !!! Thanks so much! I can’t believe this is happening and I feel sooooo happy all the time ! Love u <3

    • Mikaila, I’m so happy for you. Ladies, her case is so similar to Arida’s and they have become friends ever since. I have helped turn around most unlikely relationships to end amazingly well. Mikaila has been almost 2 years with her EUM and she was totally at a loss before finding me a year ago. These days he’s courting her like a man in love should. I in fact hear wedding bells. Sign up for my monthly membership and I will share all my secrets that send all these women reel about my miraculous method and all these guys putty in their hands. And both of them will also be interviewed in one of the months. Arida’s will be in October.

  • Hi Katarina,
    I stumbled on your website and really liked what I read. If you would be so kind as to read this but please keep my question and email address from being made public, I would appreciate it. I’m a very private person and for many reasons, this would freak me out. Thanks in advance.

    I also apologize for the length of this email.

    I met a man back in January (we are both in our mid 40’s) at a place where our children attend classes. He has three teenage boys, and I have a younger daughter. While I knew there would be obstacles (his workaholic personality quickly became apparent as well as the fact that he worked extremely hard to save up for his boys going to college – it became a constant refrain, and seemed to terrify him, which I completely understand). Nevertheless, he seemed very interested, and I could tell that he was a very kind soul, sweet, funny and smart.

    He was up front in the beginning about his priorities. Divorced for 4 years, he did tell me from the beginning that his priorities were in this order: his work (to earn money for his boys), then his boys, then himself and finally there would be room left-over for the woman he’s seeing. I didn’t throw him away immediately because I didn’t know him, I thought that if he did eventually like me and vice versa, that eventually, I might be able to move up the list somewhat. But this was not immediately on my mind in the beginning as I just was getting to know him.

    I want to clarify that the man is the opposite of a player. From everything I could see, and what he told me, he threw himself into his work (he became a realtor a few years ago having switched from another career that was going nowhere) and he had not dated in a year. I think he may have only dated one other woman for a period of 4 months two years earlier.

    The communication in our relationship was done primarily over text (which, to be honest, was ok for me as I don’t need to be on the phone talking for long periods — I have my child and a life too). But he did call me for the first few months approximately once a week. Everything else was communicated through text. Light-hearted texts. I will also say that when he met me, while business was never stagnant for him, I must have met him at a slow time for him as the work rapidly increased about two months into the relationship. For now, I was relegated to Sunday night dates (his children would sleep over on Friday and Saturday nights) and he was always bombarded with work (closings, paperwork/contracts or research) during the weeknights. Plus he had a co-parenting set-up where he would drive his kids to school and pick them up each night. And yes, I definitely got that there was a sense of guilt on his end about the divorce so he was always trying to spend as much time with his children as possible. I think he saw each of them every day at some point.

    So, in the beginning, relegated to once a week. I invited him out with couples friends of mine on a few occasions which he seemed to enjoy. About a month into the relationship he referred to me as his girlfriend. I didn’t have to bring up the “our we exclusive” talk because it was a non-issue. For a while things were going well, although I noticed he had the tendency to “disappear” or become not as enamored with me from time to time (I experienced this beginning the second month perhaps every other week). It unnerved me as I gave him lots of space, never initiated any phone calls, and the texts I tended to send were generally light-hearted.

    But as I mentioned, his work appeared to heat up around the second month, and it just kept getting worse. I should mention that our dates were always great – we would go to dinner somewhere (sometimes fancy, sometimes not, it didn’t matter to me) and we would take turns paying. I was respectful of the fact that he worked exceptionally hard to pay for his kids, and I was in a position to be able to pick up the tab every other time. I think he appreciated that a lot.

    Around 2.5 months in, I started to feel more neglected. Sometimes I would receive one text a day (and the texts stopped becoming sweet, flirtatious texts and instead were along the lines of: “I have 3 showings today, a contract to write up and then seeing my boys” etc). Sometimes a day would go by and I wouldn’t receive anything. So around that time, I (looking back on this I know this was wrong), I sent him a text explaining that I felt very neglected and that I’ve been pretty patient with him but if he can’t find time to contact me more maybe we should not see each other. I didn’t really want to do this at all but in my mind I was throwing it out there to see if he would “fight” for me, which I know is stupid. I haven’t dated in forever so I don’t know the rules of what I should or shouldn’t be doing, so I was doing what I thought was right: being honest about the way I was feeling and seeing what he would do about it.

    His response became the refrain I would hear any time I would bring this subject up – “I told you from the beginning that I had my priorities. I am doing the best I can to be a good boyfriend but my work is first and then my boys are my next priority). I should point out that while it’s true there were nights he would get home late (around 8:00 or 9:00 PM) from a showing, he would then supposedly go straight into paperwork or research from his home. He would never pick up the phone and call me at home during the week at night, even if home alone. He often told me he needed that time to decompress. Of course by now my friends were telling me that that’s bullshit — any guy who really likes a woman will call her for even two or three minutes to say he’s thinking about her and let her know she’s on his mind no matter how busy. I told him – I don’t need long phone calls from you – but just at least a text a day to show me you’re thinking about me. So, from that time I would receive a text a day, sometimes it was sweet, but most times they were completely non-affectionate, like talking about the weather. Literally he was taking me at my word and sending me a text every day even if it was a stupid one, simply because I had asked him to show me he was thinking about me.

    I want to keep mentioning that the dates we went on were always wonderful. I had a great time with him whenever we were together. He was always publicly affectionate with me — which is a switch. In the past, I either dated men who were not openly affectionate or I would freak out at being openly affectionate with men – but that is going back many years as it’s been a long time since I dated. No, this man was always very sweet with me, and it was obvious when he was with me that he did care for me. The only thing that bothered me when we were together was his habit of leaving around 11:00 PM to go home and work on something that he claimed he needed to do before the morning. In other words, he never stayed over. I stayed at his place once but needed to be back because I had the babysitter taking care of my child at my apartment. But I never understood why he couldn’t stay at my place until early morning. My child either slept through the night or I would send her to a friend’s house for a sleepover.

    Nevertheless, time went on, I became more enamored with this man who at times told me “He was so happy I came into his life” and that he was always happy when he was with me. Mind you, we dated a total of 6 months and I never heard the “L” word. I get that it’s an over-rated word and people tend to throw it around too casually or too soon. But here I was falling in love with him and the most I ever heard from him which he told me a lot was he “really, really liked me”.

    Around the 3.5 month I broke up with him again over text (my rationalization with that was that he was using the phone less and less and seemed to only want to communicate over text so that’s why I did it). My reason again for breaking up — I felt neglected, I ask for so little, I’ve been patient and supportive etc… (By now, my dates were not once a week anymore. They averaged out to about twice a month. He did come out during the week with me a few times to meet my friends. He never shied away from that as long as I gave him notice. But I didn’t understand why he hadn’t ever thought to schedule a date with me during a weeknight. It was always relegated to a Sunday night when we did go out.).

    The breakup I initiated at the 3.5 month mark was pretty bad and he once again shot me a text explaining that he was terrified of his oldest son going to college in two years and he had two more kids to think about etc…He was sorry he couldn’t be a better boyfriend but this was the way it was, his priorities, etc…I was finding that a cop-out excuse because again, friends of mine had told me if he really liked me, or loved me, he would find a way to make a little more time over the phone or in person.

    I chickened out about 1 week after I sent him that text to tell him perhaps I had been too demanding too early on, that I wouldn’t apologize for everything I said but that I may have been too demanding — if he would still like to give it a try, I would still like to continue dating him. He said “this is the second time you’ve done this to me, and I can’t promise you more of my time, but we’ll go to dinner when I can fit it into my schedule”. Already I placed myself in a compromising situation.

    I waited it out, didn’t overly contact him. Maybe a text a day in the beginning. I would let communication go for two days at a time until he would decide to contact me. I really held back and hung low because I wanted this to work. A couple of weeks later my birthday rolled around and I let him know it was coming up, could we get together. Yes, he was going to take me to dinner (during the week no less). I still played it low key and did not contact him much during this 3 week period. When he showed up to pick me up, he had a dozen roses for me, with a very sweet card and a cute gift he had picked out. He took me to a really lovely restaurant, and he apologized for his behaviour to me, but again, kindly explained his work was really crazy and this was the best he could do. And I explained, I understood to a point but that he can’t get away with placing me on a shelf and coming back to me when it is solely convenient for him. I asked him if he wanted me to date other people and he sheepishly said “no, I hope you’ll stay with me”. That was enough for me to hear and I backed off for a few weeks. We had a couple of dates during this time, things were going well. But I was becoming insecure and wanted to make sure my affections weren’t being used. After he told me how much he really enjoyed spending time with me, I casually asked him about us in the long term. Stupid , stupid I know. His reply: “I don’t know. I’m trying to see how the pieces fit together. This is the longest relationship I’ve had since my divorce 4 years ago. Other realtors have made a personal life work for them. My life is going to be nuts for the next two or three years. I’m trying to fit all the pieces together.” I tried not to show him I was upset, but the answer did hurt me. We communicated a bit over the next few days after that and then he disappeared for several days before the July 4th weekend with his kids (I literally stopped hearing anything from him for about 4 days). I casually texted him to make sure he was ok, and he responded that he was enjoying the few days of vacation with all 3 of his boys and because he hadn’t done any work and hadn’t used his electronic devices – that he was paying the price for it now with work). I let it go. I didn’t respond to that that but I was pissed. I didn’t initiate any contact for a week. Meanwhile my child and I were going to be leaving for 2 weeks and I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him for a while. I think he got the point I was angry, he left me a voicemail wishing me a wonderful trip and that he hoped to see me when I returned. Eventually I warmed up at the airport — but while I was gone for 2 weeks there was not too much communication between us. By now, two of his boys were at sleep away camp. I eventually texted that I missed him, that I hoped he missed me but that I didn’t want to be the one to always do the work in this relationship and to please let me know what he was feeling and if there was anything going on in his mind about us that he needed to talk about. He responded – no, he missed me too and cared about me. OK. I left it alone. By this point in our relationship I didn’t want to knock anything.

    When I returned and we went out, he had a bouquet of lilies waiting for me. I knew this was out of guilt. He said he missed me and sometimes he knew he could be an ass. It was then that I told him again that he can’t place me on a shelf and expect me to wait for him until it is completely convenient solely for him. I asked him once again if he doesn’t want a relationship to let me go. He sweetly told me he didn’t want to let me go. He even volunteered that when he wash helping his 90 year old parents that weekend that he mentioned me to his sister-in-law who had no idea he was dating. He told her he was dating “a wonderful sweet woman who fortunately puts up with all my crazy life”. Well, I felt better. Still no “L” word from him but I think that was the best I could have heard at the time. This was about the 6th month mark. And I keep saying – I really enjoy my time with him.

    The week after that we sent each other some light hearted texts, and for once I started to feel comfortable with everything. I thought this was headed in a good direction. And I was happy because I knew the two boys were away at sleep away camp so even though his work was nuttier than usual, there would be more time for me. But the following Saturday had rolled around and I hadn’t been asked out on a date for the weekend yet. So I texted him “hey I miss you, am I going to see you this weekend?” His response: “I’ve got a goofy weekend with appointments and I’m really enjoying the last few days where I’ve been spending time with my eludes (who is 16).
    Well, that was really not an answer to my question. But I left it alone. I texted him: would he like to bring his son to my place for dinner the following night and I would make dinner for the 4 of us (my child too). No response for an hour. Finally “With a client. I’ll text you later.” Another hour goes by. By this time I was pissed I’ll admit. “I think you need to really think back to what we talked about last week. So much for having more time for me with two of your sons at camp.” An hour later I received “Still with client.” This prompted me to write “I will not be your doormat. You need to look at the relationship and see if you can handle it.”

    A few hours later he sent me a bitter reply that he can’t stop what he’s doing with a client and respond to “anxious, demanding text messages” and that he can’t “do angry” every couple of weeks. He claimed he was going to look at his schedule for the weekend and get back to me, and he had no idea what his son’s schedule was, but “now he had to think about the entire relationship??” He said his schedule was increasingly busy that he often didn’t know what it would be like until 24 hours prior and that I would have to accept that.

    I let a few hours go by and responded that I didn’t deserve the acerbic tone from him, that I didn’t expect that from him and I didn’t expect him to drop what he was doing and respond to me but I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t tell when he’s with a client or not if I don’t hear from him for hours at a time. I explained I was trying to be sweet and find ways to include him in my life and since he was enjoying being with his eldest son, I was inviting both of them for dinner. (personally I didn’t care whether the son came here or not). I again asked him: Can you handle being in a relationship – not just with me, but with any woman? I told him he needed to figure that out.

    I didn’t hear from him for 24 hours. I finally picked up a phone (a novel idea, right) and asked him if he was planning to hide from me forever. He said he was working and thinking about my question. He said he didn’t know. Twice. I said – we were just talking about this last week on our date. Couldn’t you have told me then if you were having reservations or any other time? Instead you showed up with flowers. He said “By now you know I’m married to my work.” I said – yes, but that’s nothing new. He explained that when he met me he thought he could add a woman to his life and handle a relationship but he guesses he hasn’t been very good about it and that no, he believes he can’t handle a relationship. I was hurt and said “ok, I heard what I needed to hear. Thanks goodbye.”

    And it’s been almost 3 weeks and haven’t heard anything. I can’t call or reach out because I technically broke up with him twice early on. I had wanted to see if he would have had a change of heart about things but obviously he hasn’t.

    I would most grateful for any insight to this that you can provide. I really fell in love with this man. I tried in my way to back off at many points but I felt neglected and didn’t understand why a man would do this to a woman he genuinely liked and wanted to spend time with. I am sure to bump into him once the children’s classes start up the second week of September. But I would have preferred to hear from him before this. There is nothing I can do now without swallowing a ton of pride and if I were to contact him now, he would know that I completely caved. He has many qualities that I love — I simply didn’t understand how he didn’t want to communicate more with me or spend more time with me if he indeed, enjoyed being with me and was happy that I came into his life.

    I apologize for the length of this. Please help. Thank you so much.

  • Hi Kat

    I am from Singapore but similar to other women from all different parts of the world, i have my relationship problem too.

    I know this guy (who is 49, i’m 33) 9 months ago and we got together pretty quickly (for me it was because i have not been dating for 5 years and i just want to get back into the scene). We progress really quickly as well too if you know what i mean.

    He has always been hard to reach out emotionally. he doesnt like to share his thoughts, neither does he likes to explain himself. if i ever get mad about things he will just shy away. HIs excuse being he’s unfamilar with all these things and doesnt know how to comfort people.

    and i can understand why. he is a major workaholic who seldom meet his friends. his life revolves around his work, his interests and me.

    i was pretty alright being in a label-less relationship in the beginning but kat, i have fallen in love with him. when we are together, we always have so much fun and he can be a real romantic. my previous relationship ended with the guy lying and cheating me with another woman for 3 years which has caused me much paranoia. this current guy is so honest it is almost refreshing.

    i know i want something more out of this relationship. i dont need marriage. i just need someone i can go home to 10-20 years down the road. and i told him just as much. i ask him to label us and all he can manage is.. “you are very special to me. i like you a lot. i appreciate you a lot but there are somethings i just dont want to go to”

    im really lost. what should i do kat 🙁


  • Hi katarina,
    so I’m curious as to how many woman out there snoop and if it’s only for insecurity reasons or if there is something else (like protection and empowerment) involved….

    I’ve been in an ‘on/off’ relationship for 3 years, I was being harassed on social media by ‘woman’ (anonymous individuals, so I’m still not even sure if they are woman other than they SAY) for 2 and a half of those 3! they said my significant other is a lying cheating dirtbag and I obviously let it get to me cause I couldn’t drop it. So I started snooping, I did find a few ‘red flag’ things ie: letter to an ex saying to keep in touch and he had a naughty dream about her (he said he must have been drunk cause he doesn’t remember writing it), and I found pics, videos etc hiding in a ‘spy/secret app’ but he says he ‘they must have been during an ‘off’ time but he ‘forgot’ to delete them when the ‘on’ time came around…. so long story short, I hacked his phone and he ‘says’ he knew this, so he bated a girl that I already had issues with him still talking to as she’s a previous ‘bed buddy’, so he said he baited me cause I wouldn’t directly admit to hacking his phone by saying he wanted to meet up and have sex with this girl, who of course seemed eager to do do as well (although she’s apparently engaged). and low and behold I was out the door faster than you could open it….

    He till this day STILL says he’s never cheated while we were ‘on’ but the subject is now extremely complicated as I am 2 weeks away from giving birth to his child (his first and only). We are living in this very messed up situation where we are NOT together, (he says he can’t trust me-to not snoop) BUT we are living under the same roof, and sleeping in the same bed. In my demented mind, if he just admitted his mistakes (he HAS lied before-was caught) but I still have no proof of cheating, I would forgive him and start fresh. So far he sticks to his guns that he has never cheated on me.

    this baby was not planned, now I’m lost… he doesn’t want me, I STILL want him, am I doomed to keep reliving this drama?

    • Justine,
      you allow drama cause you thrive on drama. Have you read my book yet? You gotta change from the inside out so your relationship will get better.

  • Katrina hi my name is Claire I know you get a lot of messages but I really need your help. Today August 11th was supposed to be the 2 year anniversary me and my boyfriend eric. Eric has been for the last two years dealing with a lot of emotional baggage from his past marriage. he was manipulated and used so we’ve dealt with a lot of trust issues. it didn’t help that I am an artist and I do get a lot of attention from single men. I’ve done the best that I could to be transparent but it just wasn’t good enough. there is only so much of my independence that I can give up. I have to constantly reassure him that I was not cheating on him and that there was nobody else that I was interested in. he felt like I was choosing the music or in some cases the attention from these men over him. that was far from the case because I absolutely love him with everything that’s in me. to make matters worse when he met me I was just getting out of a really bad relationship in which I was left without any money. I had to get back on my feet I worked two jobs. it was really hard. two years he watched me struggle and work my way up but I’m happy to say now that I’m back in school and looking for a new place of employment so that I can make more money. my financial situation, though I never asked for anything bizarre, placed the burden on him and he said he can’t do it anymore he said that he still cares about me but that he couldn’t keep stringing me along that the feeling that he had left a long time ago. he broke it off with me yesterday and said that he had to move on and it hurt really bad. I still have hope for a relationship even though I know that he’s put me through a lot of emotional strain with a trust issues. is our relationship worth fighting for… do you think that your resources can help me or has he completely checked out? he text me today and then we spoke on the phone he said that he cared and wanted to check on me to see how I was doing I told him that it’s best that he not contact me because it hurt too much. I sent his key off in the mail today I just can’t bear to see him. please help…

  • Hi Katarina,
    I’m hoping you can help me with my situation. I met my EUM at the end of November after my 11 year relationship/marriage ended in April 2013. I guess I fell into the trap of chasing him/leaning forward out of excitement, impatience, inexperience and at the time thinking he was shy. We had 5 dates between Dec and Feb (all of which I grudgingly initiated). On the fourth date we made out on the sofa and he was obviously ‘excited’, I gave him the opportunity to stay over but he left. I got way ahead of him and stupidly after our fifth date I made the mistake of asking what was going on because I was frustrated that he wasn’t initiating. He told me he really enjoyed my company but wasn’t sure he wanted anything more at the moment and that he hadn’t meant to lead me on and didn’t want me to think it was going to lead to anything after 3 months. I accepted this without drama and went no contact but we then saw each other on a night out shortly after, he saw me talking and dancing with another guy. The next day he began texting me again asking about the guy.

    We have a real connection and a very flirty texting relationship. We rarely go more than a few days without texting which quite often gets a little naughty! After another few weeks I then asked him why he was still contacting me and if he wanted to go out again, to which he again told me he would do something as friends as he really enjoys my company and that he doesn’t normally stay in contact like this with people he’s not dating anymore. I told him friends was fine but that the flirting needed to stop, I also asked him why he hadn’t stayed over when I gave him the opportunity and he said he hadn’t wanted to use me for one thing.

    The flirting didn’t stop, roll on a few more weeks and he’s suggesting we ‘catch up’ (he knew I’d had two dates with the guy from the bar), I had to nail down firm plans and the date ended with him kissing me on the cheek. He then initiated another date a couple of weeks later during which he was talking about “next time” etc (major progress I thought). The night ended with me initiating a proper kiss which he didn’t pull back from but when were texting later that night he said I had been a little over enthusiastic. He definitely pulled back from me at that point, I just let him be and he soon got back in touch. We have had two further dates both of which I’ve initiated, the final one being a couple of months ago now, he again tried to leave at the end of the night by kissing my cheek…I asked him to “come here” i.e. for a proper kiss and he just said “I can’t”. Then another pull back.

    Since then, I’ve read your book etc and I’ve been trying to follow your advice and lean back, mirror, date around, attract him with honey and stop asking what is going on etc. The guy just doesn’t leave me alone, I went a week without texting him and then he says I’ve been very quiet recently, asked him if I’m bored of him and that he misses talking to me. He keeps dropping hints that he’d like to spend time with me but I told him a week ago in a playful/cheeky way that if he wants to see me he needs to initiate plans and so far he hasn’t! I know he wants me to initiate and that he will say yes if I ask him to do something but I want him to invest in this and to start pursuing me! I’m just not sure anything is going to happen other than being flirty texting buddies.

    A bit of background, he was in a LTR relationship in which he lived with his girlfriend but that broke down over 2.5 years ago. He is also studying for an accountancy qualification at the moment. He also never really compliments me, the most he has said is that I am sweet and my dress was nice. I’m really not sure what he wants from me. I’ve wondered if he’s not physically attracted to me (although I get plenty of attention from other men), if he just wants me to boost his ego/entertain him or if he’s gay. I am really very attached to this guy, the problem is I’m approaching 31 and really wanting a relationship and a family in the near future. I’m trying not to close myself off to other possibilities. This has been going on for almost 9 months now….and I just don’t now what to do?

    • Jane, out of sight out of mind. He’s wasting your time. Focus on guys who really want to date you not texting buddy. Stop responding to his text as much. I’ll get bored so quickly.

  • Hi Zara,
    Have you read my book yet? I’m so sorry for the death of your loved ones.

    My Journey Inward will help you cope, move on and potentially attract him back. Please sign up and the group is still active even though we have finalized all classes (6 classes you can listen to instantly):


  • So I met this man online, and we were together for 2 years. We went on vacations together, travelled the world together, in fact, and were happy and in love, and he was doing anything and everything for me….

    There was a shift at some point when I started to feel a bit insecure, and he changed….he started pulling away and I started to lean forward ….everything was unhappy and hard to connect again…
    our last vacation ended in December…we went to London, Paris, and many places in Italy….

    When I came back to Canada, we had been talking about him selling his business in Europe for ages and his moving here …..it was all his idea…

    we had a fight tho, when I asked him if he was ‘sure’ he wanted to….he closed me off completely….and I had my suspicions about his faithfulness at this point at well. He dumped me at Christmas.
    my uncle died 2 days later, and my ex husband, who still loved me died on the 10th of January….needless to say….i had a rough time of it.

    am sure he had someone whispering in his ear this entire time…a woman ‘friend’ who poisoned him for months against me…he’s with her now, am pretty sure. He told me he was seeing someone about a month ago. he had a really hard time letting me go and i know he still has feelings for me…he chokes up when he talks to me sometimes…he is still emotional about me

    and what i need to know is……
    how to feel better.
    is this ever going to go away? am in so much pain….i feel broken inside and all i want is to be over him…
    i used to want him back….maybe i still do….if there is a chance of it….
    how to turn it around….or move on….

    i’ve tried rori raye stuff….i want to be a better woman next time, and to have a better relationship next time…but i havent even listened to much of any of the program because its just so…..hokey,….lame….or ….I dunno. Its just not for me I guess. I dont want to imagine glitter coming out of my head and air out of my privates…I dont see how thats helpful. So I searched and searched and found you and am reaching out because I need help.

    This kind of pain is lingering and is affecting my life, my outlook, my relationships…am trying to be positive and love myself and all of those things…but the end was so fast and so violent and so sudden…he turned so mean, then he wanted to be friends, then he wanted to argue and then friends again…and now we dont talk at all…

    I know you have a lot of people messaging you…I hope you have time to read this. Am confused and hurt, and have looked all over for advice and self-help. Am literally in physical pain most days…my tummy hurts everytime he crosses my mind…for hours sometimes…
    I read your articles…I’ve found them helpful. I was on your teleclass today…was very enlightening as well.

    I need help to turn my situation around, or move on…or something!!! Thank you for doing what you do. People arent taught to stay together anymore, or how its done. Have a nice weekend….

    I felt a lot better writing this out, and i guess what I would like to know is what one of your programs I should start with to start the healing process inside myself

  • Hi Katarina,

    Firstly, I want to say thank you for all the wonderful work you are doing. I have had a tough time with EUM’s and myself being EU over the years. This year I have been on quite a heavy period of spiritual transformation/growth and immediately following this period I came across your work and just instantly felt so connected to everything you had to say and in tune with your views.

    Initially, yet another EU man in my life propelled me toward searching and discovering your work. It all felt very fated. I have moved on from him now and have recently met and connected strongly with someone new. I am following your guidelines in this situation. I believe (and hope) he is not EU, but he is bicoastal so it won’t be easy however he does have plans to move here full-time soon so there is a possible vision in sight at least.

    I just received my first long distance phone call from him which made me happy and I have a question: In Rori Ray’s teachings, she advises that when you talk to a man, you should let him ask all the questions and really lean back by just responding and not asking anything back. I find this to be challenging, because I find myself wanting the conversation to be flowing, both he and I will be feeling out our connection. I could hear that he was slightly nervous and I didn’t want awkward silences to make either of us feel more awkward. In this first phone-call I was excited to hear from him and felt naturally bubbly and asked simple questions about his week and travels to keep conversation interesting. Is that leaning forward too much?

    Thank you

    PS: Let me re-phrase, I believe in her teachings it’s ok to answer a question and then ask “and you?” etc but not to initiate questions and ask things like “how are you?” as soon as you’ve picked up the phone! So complicated!

  • Hi Kat i hope you are doing well,
    I’m very confused and heart broken. I was with this man for 10 months. Like u have heard before everything was going extremely well. He was the one who found my number, contacted me first ( because i did not want to give him my number, i wasn’t sure about him, i thought he was a player). Long story short ,before we have sex( took him 2 months) , he told me that he’s broken from past relationships and wants us to be friends before deciding what we want,to be in a relationship or not. He told me that he was a player using women for sex but he was treating me like a queen ,everyone from his environment was shocked. He took me to his island all the way to the Caribbean cause we both leave and work for the same company in Dubai. Paid for my first class tickets, introduced me to his daughter, baby mom, parents ,family and friends.
    Constantly he would tell me and his friends how lucky he is to have me, that i’ m going to be his wife ,i will have his son,he even chose a name for him. He wanted to meet my parents and then the things got intense cause i told him that my father is very strict and i cant introduce him as only my boyfriend. He never got over it. Then we went on a flight together ( he is a pilot and I’m a flight attendant) and we spent a beautiful day together i was shocked when he asked me to take a break. I did not accept it and asked him to break up. I also told him that i want a family in my near future and that he shouldn’t waste my time. He was shocked,it took him 3 days to reply he said that i scared him, that he’s not ready that he will always love me etc etc. He always tells his friends how much he misses me and that he loves me,I’m the best thing that ever happened to him but he’s not ready . So he asked me to be friends and only friends.
    Is been 4 months since then,we had arguments and some good convos since then but he refuse to talk face to face. We met twice and we made love not sex ,it was weird. He initiated both times to meet up. He is always happy to see me, we been both cold and hot i told him that i love him and i cant be his friend.He is always telling me stories about couples who divorced I’m just so heart broken. I do meet men and went on a few dates with them, he got jealous when i told him that I’m hugging out with a male friend he actually got really upset and he told me that i forget to who I’m talking to and he asked me to shut up i was shocked cause he s always respectful towards me. He even messaged me to tell me off cause i didn’t invited him out for dinner few days back, because i went out with our common friends. Please help me, i am lost.
    Ps i get upset easily, because i feel that he’s playing with my feelings by being hot and cold, appearing then disappearing and when i say something he becomes defensive and telling me things like , nothing changed , you are back at it again and so on …
    Regards Ariya

    • Hi Ariya, have you read my book yet? Stop being so reactive and let him come to you again. Lean back and let him lead and take it from there. stop pressuring him about marriage.

  • Okay, this is kind of a long story, & I’ll try to make it as short as possible. I am 16-years-old, & I had been seeing this guy who is 18-years-old. We were together for 7 months before he broke things off just 6 days ago-I have screenshots of our conversation if you’d like to see-Anyways, we were rocky a month prior to the breakup; he always had several reasons for why we shouldn’t be together, so this is where I got confused, & I’m not sure if this hope I still have is a waste: Reason 1: “I’m not ready for a relationship.” How are you “not ready” for a relationship 7 months in? Reason 2: “You live to far away.” I live an hour away; something he knew 7 months prior. Reason 3: “I have no feelings for you.” Ouch. That one hurt the most, but I don’t know if he said it so I’d stop bothering him, or if he actually meant it. I’d believe that one had he not given me these other reasons. & reason 4: “I stayed with you ’cause I felt bad.”
    Moving on; in a conversation him & I had after the breakup, he had told me that I tried too hard & it was a huge turn-off. I admit, I did, but I really thought he wanted me to. Isn’t that what you’re suppose to do with someone you care about? Try? Apparently not. I know my problem though, I feel as though I came off very pathetic. Here’s the routine thing that would happen: In the month prior to our breakup, he would find little things to argue about & then try to breakup, I would call him, cry, I assume he felt bad, & he’d stay with me, then everything would go back to normal,….for a little bit. The day he broke up with me, this was his “reason:” My “ex” had added me back on Facebook, which I didn’t see as a very big deal considering his ex just recently done the same, but I guess it was a big deal, & that’s what made him snap. He made several rude comments concerning my ex & myself. I know that was not the reason he broke things off though, he just needed some reason to get himself out of the situation; obviously since he’d tried breaking things off a month prior.
    I know this relationship probably comes off as “immature” to you, but I really do love the guy; he is my world. A couple days ago, I sent him a long, detailed message letting him know that I was not going to try for him any longer, & listed all the mistakes I had made, & how I understand why he did what he did. I informed him that I did not need him, & that I would be fine without him. Even though I don’t so much believe that myself. I told him that it would be the last time he heard from me, EVER. It’s only been 2 days since I’ve sent it, & he did respond with this: “You were the an amazing girlfriend, I’m just not ready to be in a relationship.” Everyone I know keeps telling me to “give him time,” or “space,” & that he’ll probably come back around, but I don’t know. Is this hope I’m keeping just a waste? If not, when should I expect something back?
    P.S. Another “problem:” He recently made this status which involved lyrics to one of “our songs;” I don’t feel as though it is about me, & I in no way believe that it was his attempt at trying to get my attention because I have unfriended him on social networking to try to give him space. So could this be about another girl? I actually had his sister ask & he claimed he was no seeing anybody else, but I don’t really know what to believe.
    As you can see, I need a lot of help. I really want this to work, but I don’t know what to do anymore. If I attempt to message him, he threatens to block me; if I attempt to call him, he’ll threaten to change his phone number. So I stopped trying those. I really want to speak to him, but clearly it’s doing nothing, but pushing him away even more. I can’t bare the thought of not having anymore memories with him.

  • Hi there beautiful ladies! I’m the subject of this blog post. I just wanna share the text that I sent to Katarina..

    Dear Kat,
    I need to share this with u. I had the most amazing experience with him yesterday! He took me to the beach. He had planned it for us since the beginning of the week. He wanted us to destress and forget about work. A day before the trip, he took me to the mall and made me buy a cute dress. He just wouldn’t let me sleep that night as he asked me to wear that dress and send pics to him before he fall asleep. Lol.

    The whole time, he kept hugging me and wouldn’t let me go. He didn’t even swim that much. When I asked him why, he said that he preferred to just be in my arms. We kissed a lot even though, as u know, he doesn’t like kissing that much..lol..it was the perfect day for us to laze around as we did nothing but lay next to each other under hot tropical sun.

    At one time, we even fell asleep under the shade. When I woke up, his arm was around me. He was so loving when he kept adjusting my dress, or removing sand from my face. We were so close that he could smell my makeup..lol
    We just wished that the moment will never end. He said that, being with me gives him no pressure at all. I know how to please him. Thats why he keeps coming back for me.

    On our way back, though, it was kinda stressful as I needed to be home early for my family dinner. We were caught up in the traffic jam. I felt sad it ended that way but I know it wont change how we felt earlier in the day.

    It was beyond my dreams that we can feel this way about each other. I am glad to have found you 9 months ago.

    I dunno what else to tell u except that I love you so much Katarina! This was the man who didn’t wanna be with me and said we weren’t compatible! Now he is a totally different person!

    * I shared this because I want you to know that we should stop worrying about the men in our life and just focus on inner work. Only then, everything will fall into place. Life is supposed to be easy and carefree. We take care of our own emotions and happiness first so that men will feel safe being with us, knowing that they are not responsible for it. They are just in our life to enhance our already beautiful life ♡♡♡”

    • You’re a true Goddess, Arida. Ladies, if Arida can do it you can too. Start with my ebook.

      • HermioneGranger

        I really like reading the Arida stories, they’re super helpful and reassuring 🙂 I want to know how the story ends though. What’s her situation now, in 2019?

  • Hi,

    Lately my boyfriend and I have been arguing. Well Friday we had another argument and he said he is done. I asked him could we talk about and he said we could. I went to his house and he wouldn’t open the door. I left and he texted me that he would come to my house. He stated we could meet twice. I texted him when would he be coming bc it was taking awhile. He told me to leave him alone and said I was crazy. I didn’t respond. He then texted me about 30 min later. He stated that he was confused bc all I do is complain and he can’t understand what I want. He ended it with the question “why try.” Then he sent another text saying this is what I wanted but I just wouldn’t say it. I did not respond to this either. All this took place Friday night. Today is Sunday. Of course I haven’t heard from him. I will see him tomorrow bc we work together. I didn’t know what today which is why I haven’t reached out to him. We had been together about 8 months. Do you think this situation could be repaired? I do love him and am open to working on our problems. Somewhere we got off track and could get back on. I am so sad. Please help.

  • Hi Katarina !
    First of all, I really like this page, I am going to visit it from now on 🙂 Hopefully, you will reply to me. I found this story very interesting and it reminded me of mine a little bit.

    I have been talking with this guy for about 3 months… The first month, we were just talking because he had a girlfriend (whom he’d been with for about 3 months, and things weren’t going too well between the two of them). Then we saw each other a few times, and we ended up having sex. Shortly after, he left his girlfriend. We started spending time together, and I started to like him more and more… After about 2 weeks of seeing each other, he said I love you to me… Which I didn’t answer, because I was clearly not ready.

    After that, things started to change, he began to be very distant, not in the sense that we weren’t seeing each other anymore, or he wasn’t texting anymore, but more like… I felt like he wasn’t opening to me as much. So, I had to ask him about 2 weeks after that what was going on, and he just told me to trust him, that he wasn’t seeing nobody else, and that he liked me a lot. So, we kept on seeing each other, we had great moments. We basically just stayed at his place, or mine played video games, slept together. And it wasn’t just a 3am hook up, we’d see each other during the day, etc.

    As the weeks went by, I started to develop stronger feelings towards him, but I played it cool and let him come to me. At one point, we hadn’t seen each other in about 4 days, and he texted me that he missed me, and that he wanted to take me out on a real date soon. It got me very excited, and I felt like, well, maybe it was going somewhere.

    Oh, how wrong I was ! The next day, he begun to act exactly the same way as he did, when he said I love you the first time… So I confronted him about it. He told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship AT ALL. He was in a relationship that ended about a year ago, I think he got really hurt because she cheated on him. He said that he had tried to be with someone after her (her 3 months-ex), but that it didn’t work, and he didn’t wanna have nothing to do with a relationship.

    I felt somewhere along the way, he lost some respect for me, because I tried to end it like 2 times, but then came back. There has been events where he had his computer opened in front of me and I saw he was chatting with a loooot of girls and openly flirting with them. I don’t know what to do honestly. I feel like there’s a strong chemistry between us, and I know he has feelings for me too. He says a lot of things he does with, he doesn’t do with other girls, cause they’re annoying to him, and he also insists that he’s only seeing me.

    I’m starting to slowly distance myself from him, but I don’t know how to act when I’m with him…. I’m scared that this relationship will end up breaking my heart, and I’m ready for the real thing, I’m in a point in my life where I’ve worked on myself so much, and I feel I’m ready.

    Thanks in advance for your advice !

    • Lisa, you are ready, he’s not. He doesn’t want the baggage of relationship: one of them being accountable for what he does, etc. So enjoy him and keep seeing other guys. And of course read my book.

      • Thanks for the answer ! I have started reading your book and am almost done reading it… Provided me with some great insight… Thank you, can’t wait to finish it !

  • Ms. Phang,

    Good morning, I hope that you are doing fine this morning, and please consider in responding to me, because I am at my whits end. I think that I might be facing and Emotionally Unstable man with my life long friend, and I please need your advice. right now I have to save for the book because I can’t purchase it right this minute but i am truly amazed by your article, and it reflects allot of my situation. I have been friends with this man forever and now we are trying to little by little make more of this friendship. I know he cares and he even says at times he misses me but he definitely has trust issues, because at one time due to life circumstances he constantly reminds me I abandoned him at his weakest moments and I told him I found him again and I will never abandoned him,but that’s not enough for him and then he throws out that he does not trust me but we I see him face to face he affectionately and spontaneously would just hug me and tell me like talking to himself out loud will you abandon me again. and then he will tell me he misses me and this is killing me and he says that everything has to be his way must be his way or the highway, how could I overcome this with out it killing me? , I am getting very mixed messages, but i am sticking because I do have feelings for him but at the same time it kills me. Please email me and let me know what should I start with I took some pointers from your articles and your students articles which it will kill me bu the other day i told him I will wait till you call me I will not call you or go to your house at all, and from one day to the next he called me three times after he had just had a fight me with me and like he says that was ready to not speak with me again. Please help me and tell me what you make of this. I feel so degraded sometimes with what he just says because one thing I love about him is he’s very blunt and straight forward but at the same time it’s killing me softly, very softly… at the same time I just don’t want to stop calling him or picking up his phone call cause the tables might turn for the worst and he might really not see me again, what should I do please help?

    I thank you in advance for taking time out of your busy schedule to read my email and for your response, and assistance, cause I am a nervous wreck right now, and emotionally i am strained.

    I wish you a blessed Day!


    • Emily, he sounds volatile, why are you sticking with him and wanting him so much? What did you do that abandoned him?

      • Ms. Phang,

        Good Morning, Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I am first and foremost his Friend this is how we have been for years, and when I stopped speaking to him he was in a delicate situation where he needed me and I just stopped being there for him because I was in a relationship where my boyfriend was a very jealous man and did not believe in Men being friends with women. I admit I should not have abandoned him in his point of need, but he can’t look past that. But surprisingly yesterday he tells me for the first time because we are very direct and open with each other, he noticed I was stressed about this situation and I told him I can’t fix the past and he finished by saying that I was right but little by little it could be mended. So that surprised me when he said that giving me hope.

        I am sticking to him because I love him, I haven’t told him so but I do.

        I thank you again, for your advice and taking time to guide me.

  • Dear Katarina,

    I have been reading your articles for a while now and after all other websites on similar topics and its just that you are the only one that really gets to me.I haven’t purchase or subscribed to any of your programs yet but I am planing, don’t know where to start and also not sure how much will my budget right now allow but I am planning to do it soon.

    I hope you don’t mind that I felt like writing to you and share my experience and what I am going trough right now as I didn’t purchase anything yet….but I hope after you hear my story that you’ll have a good recommendation for me or at least I hope and please be honest and let me know if you think its not worth it in my case.

    One year ago I decide to make some change sin my life as I was not happy with few things, I have pushed myself ad decided that I need to create a shift in my life in order to really attract what I wanted . I was very much in my masculine energy, just focused on myself, work- carrier…doing a part time job that I was not happy with which brought my energy down.But when I had the courage to gave it up , knowing that somehow I’ll find a better way is when I attracted better opportunities and finally a man-that inside I wanted, I felt I was ready to have somebody after so long or nothing really meaningful. After few weeks , being out and having fun again, before leaving the club he appeared from nowhere, right in my face, I felt the connection right away.I took his number and this is how all started. We txed for like a month , when he finally step out and asked me to finally figure out how to see each-other. When I saw him he was like I knew that I can marry this guy.
    We had a great first date, we talked for like 3-4 hours, I could feel the connection and everything.
    We walked me home and kissed me from nowhere.
    After that he had a couple in town and we pretty much had to play the couple ourselfs and everything started easy, very fast and all once.

    Few after he started open up and telling me about his ex relationship and what he gone through.
    He was with her for 2-3 years , she came in his life when he b broken his leg and was there for him with everything…but seems that in the last year were just fights, tensions and he left few times but this time he wanted to do it for good….i was very open and calm about all situation.

    We started comparing myself, that we couldn’t believe how cool I am, that he finally met a girl that its not rushing into a relationship and so on.
    We had very passionate, fun months but always he had times when I felt him and he was down as his past was still affecting him.

    I think the relationship had a big impact on him, as he was young and lost himself and wasn’t happy anymore.He didn’t feel loved , understood and accepted and he started having all this with me now..He tried to go back , get some stuff from her and tried to stay friends, he told me but partial and when I found out that somehow he was testing the waters with both , he had a very first deep conversation when he told me that he loves her but cant stand eachother anymore and dost see how long term will go- and that I am great and he doesn’t wanna loose me form his life- I told him that he needs to decide,that if he wants to go back to do it right and try his best or leave it for good…I was upset but had to be true to myself and him , he saw my pain and came by myside, and tried to take my pain away, he realized he hurt ed me and we made loved after, with so much more connection- so strange….few days after he said he cant be with anybody serious right now , that his a little f…ked in his life right now and I agreed with him and wanted to let him go…And guess what he came back after a week and we started seeing eachother more, got closer, more intimate…but I always tried to lean back and have him come, and he did it more and more but in the same time…he wasn’t ready to make it official and I understood completely…he was going through a lot…he was trying to discover himself and what to do with his life, and I respected that and stayed by his side.

    I know that we me he felt loved, accepted, himself…I pushed hi, put a lot of attention on him, on his problems and this is went I start loosing myslef…I was falling in love, letting my guard down…he knew somehow how to open me up…I was so emotionally closed that I didn’t; even knew…took me a while to realize…he brought back a part of me that it was long gone.
    I felt like a women again, like a little girl also…vulnerable, open etc.

    But in the same time I lost it and i started being to emotional with him, at the beginning was fine, I open up and he open up more- back in December we had such a deep conversation that it was like our souls were talking. He told me how amazing I am- that I showed him some parts of him he didnt know and nobody so far in his life gets him like me, that he loves what we have and that he know if we would invest all right now in the relationship would be something great but he his not ready and has to figure himself first.I told him I respected that he takes real commitment seriously and felt a relief after talking to him so open.And we had this moments when I felt real connection and love this is the reason I kept being -seeing him..I knew was something there and was growing, but it got overwhelming and I become to wick and vulnerable.

    But we are both in USA without family and we got very emotionally attached.I lost it, started feel insecure, wasn’t my self anymore…i wasn’t really happy with my life anymore and I put it into the “relationship”
    As we got into the new year…something switched in me, I wanted things to get better, I made it in my mind that I wanted somehow to get more serious, I was even imagine moving in with him and all these… I was ready for love, after all this but didnt play my cards right anymore. I have pushed him away…after understanding everything before this time I started being needy and selfish…i was getting frustrated as I wanted him to be finally sure on me.

    We came to spent a weekend with me and instead of taking advantage of eahother and all this it didnt feel right,,we wre both unhappy with ourselves and trying to figure out our life’s and something was missing…he didnt feel good anymore…I started being cold and even said that maybe we are wasting time, i tried to push it…I just wanted him to reassure me somehow and then, very emotional he called me to end it…that his not what I need right now-that he might be sometime in the future and at least to take a break…came from nowhere but I knew I attracted this and that in my heart I should let him go and figure out his stuff…but being so lost at that moment…I tried to push it and more, he came back…sex wasn’t the same, I was not acting the same….until the point he got mad, he turned 180 degrees-saying we are too similar, he doesn’t see anything in the future,his not over his ex, he doesn’t want anything serious, that we are wasting time, that i should find a better guy for me.
    I got a little complacent in the last months and all these…didn’t put attention on myself anymore and that why I lost him.

    I knew exactly whats happening and why and tried to pull him back and it got worst and worst…I actually pushed him, I think he feels a repeal for me right now…I know we went on dates with other women…that I think his after her right now…she seems more fun, witty, sexy…all the things I lost lately…she even looks similar with me.All my attitude lately made him realized that I am not good or worth anymore and that she is a better catch for him…might be true…a better fit that what I become lately.

    When I found out he was seeing-going out with her…I freaked out and wrote him a very deep-though email…blaming and all…like I showed him another face…this for sure pushed him even worst that i know now he feels repeal for me.

    The thing is that I love this man, i felt in love even if I knew the situation and all…when I look at him I see me…he are so alike…same goals and values…maybe because I am so vulnerable I see it right now and that I got rejected and dumped…when it was always the opposite..this guy knew how to crock my shell :))

    I love him because i saw the real him, genuine and almost all that I want in a man…he maid it clear to me what I want from a man

    But I also know his not ready, he needs to go out with other girls, needs attention, girls like her to feed his ego and so on.

    I know I have to let it go and do my thing right now…that its no other thing to do but i want to see your view and if it worth hoping…somehow I don;t want him like this anymore…I want to somehow inspire him indirectly to be a better man for me and love me…I want to disappear for a while and become great, even better then the girl he fall for…and turn things around…become a catch and not be that easy with him as I used to…he got it too easy and good.
    And the thing is seeing-after other girl.. its hard but I am trying to motivate me to get better then ever.

    I apologies I have to write you in so much details and long.I was thinking for a while and feels great to take it off my chest.

    I would really appreciate your advice and whatever you think, when you have a chance as I can’t believe how this affected me and I got so down but I did a lot of reflection lately and I know what I did wrong…and had the power and give it to him so of course he got tired and left.

    I put to much energy into this lately and I know I have to let it go..and work on myself to be even better then before.

    Best regards,


    • Hi Judith,
      Thanks for writing. Yes there is always hope but you are too raw to be able to deal with this: his unreadiness, not over his ex and your own sense of lack. So work on you and date around. Practice my method with different men. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket so you are not in over your head with any man.

      Get my book to learn more and sign up for my Journey Inward as well:


  • Dear Katarina

    Thank you so much for helping women everywhere with plain, simple ‘male orientated’ advice. I recently across your blog and since then i have been addicted. I am going to buy your book 100% 🙂 and I have also shared your pages with my other struggling GF’s.

    I just wanted to share a little of my story with you, please don’t feel the need to read all 🙂 …

    I am 34 and from London, profession – lawyer & musician:
    1st “proper” relationship: very psychologically abusive relationship that happened when I was very young (19/20) and lasted nearly 5 years. It was awful as it was all based on blackmail; I had been forced to go out with this person as my background was strict especially when my father was alive. I finally got the strength from within to end it and face this person (recently had therapy to deal with the rape analogies too which has made me new).

    2nd proper relationship: met and we were very close lasted nearly 4 years; during this time I initially wanted to get engaged but he was not ready so I began pulling back. In 2006 my father died and I was diagnosed with a life long autoimmune illness. He was unsupportive and cold. I was very ill at this point and began seeing that he was not the one for me.

    The last 6 months we were together he mistakenly gave me a card with ‘will you marry me on’ … turned out after I said yes he was confused. Seeing that he did not even back it up hurt and we split. He then married his ex (one before me that cheated on him with his best friend), very rough girl and drinks hugely.

    Anyway I put this behind me in 2007 and only had flings here and there, one managed to break my heart but in hindsight I am happy nothing happened as he is a very cold person (he is a known musician and always on tour – something I liked as plenty of space).

    2013 (last few weeks): I have been on some dates via a site, something that was a big deal to me as I am quite reserved and the whole site thing seemed alien. I have met what appears like a great guy, the date lasted 3.5 hours and was full of laughter, smiling so much face hurt (like I cannot remember in recent years), there was a strange connection I had not felt before. I didn’t expect to have anything in common but was very pleasantly surprised. He is a long-haul pilot and this concerned me knowing their reputation. I can handle this however as very similar to music industry – just keep it discreet and be safe! I don’t need to know!!! (I hope that doesn’t come across DLV).

    My question is how to keep contact but still allowing him to initiate (I haven’t heard from him for 7 days) – recently he has contacted when he is away? How can I ‘ramp’ it up on the second date without appearing eager, I want to be my usual relaxed self?
    How can I subtly find out whether he is truly single without asking him straight? He has a 5 year old son, that is all I know.

    I don’t expect a huge deal and just want to enjoy the moment but I cannot help but think, if I end up in a relationship with anyone in the future how do I break it that I have this illness (I look normal ‘now’)?
    Most guys would run a mile and I wouldn’t want someone who did that. I also don’t want to be seen to ‘trap’ anyone. Seeing my Dad die from something similar made me realise I would never want to put that on anyone, another reason for steering clear since 2007!!!

    Sorry for the questions and I understand if you cannot answer as you must be so busy!

    Thank you once again for your dedication to helping


    • Melly, thank you so much! I’m humbled and honored.

      Take your time with the new guy. It’ll be clear sooner or later. Why would you think he’s not single?

      You can tell about your disease on the 3rd date. What do u think?

  • If there’s one thing I noticed about men is that they often do act in accordance with that “milk for free” saying. If she’s acting like a committed girlfriend, he won’t see any reason to become more committed or call her his girlfriend. Perhaps if this lady were to play her single card, as you said, pull back (because he insists they are “friends” ) and date other men (and he gets less time with her), he wouldn’t be as inclined to take her value for granted and he’d make it “official”. And she may end up meeting someone more suitable for her in the process too.

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