How To Heal a Painful Relationship And Attract More Love

heal a painful relationship

I work with my clients to heal a painful relationship and attract more love in their life.  I teach them that love grows often when they just surrender, let go of control and go with what is.

“Okay Kat, I am becoming a believer for sure!  Ex found yet another reason to text again out of the blue.  I dare say he’s looking for reasons to talk to me.  Lol And again, I didn’t address the lack of car repair on his part and again he has apologized and explained himself when I didn’t even ask. It actually confused me at first because he sent me this text all about his roommate being sick with pneumonia the last few weeks, blah, blah, blah.

I thought he must have sent me a text intended for a girlfriend or a friend, then he ends with “So that’s why I wasn’t able to fix your car last week….there was no parking place.”  Lol It actually made me laugh. Like what? You don’t need to explain yourself, it’s fine, stuff happens.

So I texted him that and found myself telling him that I believe him when he says he will do something, he will do it. The text he initiated with was about him taking the lead with our kids!!!!! This may not sound big to anyone else, but wow, **I** have always been the one who ran the show with the kids. Period. And he backed me up or argued with my decisions. So I was like wow, something is changing, even if it’s he’s going to be a more awesome dad now.

I am not sure what’s happening but it is good.  I decided to go with the flow and just accept his willingness to lead and be supportive and grateful.  He didn’t reply to my last text but I don’t really care. My thoughts for him are now around gratitude. What a shift I am making!!!!

Kat, he has wanted for years to run the whole show with our family and I never let him because I didn’t trust him honestly.  I see now how silly in many ways that really was.  My family has a long line of matriarchs and I followed suit completely.  Just the fact that he is now wanting to step up and initiate the plans with the kids is amazing really.  That he is trusting me to not flip out or cut him down for it.

Anyway, it doesn’t seem like much but I am like WOW, he actually is wanting to lead with the kids again.  We will see what happens but no matter what I am much happier with how he and I are together now.  Even if we end up being divorced, it will be fine.  He will make a fine, cooperative, engaged, happy ex and so will I if we go that route.

Sorry so long, but if you look for good, you find good.  I honestly forgot that he is in fact a good man.  I’m starting to respect him again.  Wow, who knew that was even possible?!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Kick my proverbial butt anytime I am acting stupid. Hope you are having a fabulous night.”

Then she wrote an update:

“Okay update on my car situation with former husband.   Short story is he has offered to fix my car then put it off twice.  We separated last May and he has offered several times to help me with things and usually follows through.  When he couldn’t repair this same car in December because he injured his hand, I took it to a mechanic and he thought I wasted money because he could have fixed it.

Anyway, last Friday I asked how to respond to him. I have just put it off until he contacted me. I am finally really ‘getting this’ leaning back.  Feel so proud of myself actually. Yesterday morning he texted me asking if I can keep our son this Friday night because he has to work on Saturday.

I didn’t even open the text all the way because I thought to myself “you blow me off and then ask a favor 4 days later?….yay, no, I’m too busy for that right now.”  Didn’t read the whole text, didn’t reply.

Then this morning he texts again: “I will be able to fix your car this afternoon.” I was genuinely too busy at work to reply so didn’t.

Then later he texts that he will be by right after work to get the car and maybe our son could come over. I didn’t get that text until a couple of hours later and responded “Thanks for fixing the car.  Friday will be fine.  Son would like to come over if you want.”

When I saw him, he looked truly stressed about something, saying he was really tired. All I know is that his stress is no longer coming from me, unless it is losing me.  I am now convinced that letting things go, softening my boundaries and not flipping out every time he acts poorly, works wonders for me and how I feel. I am slowly beginning to heal a painful relationship.

As an added bonus, it seems to get him to correct his own poor behavior all on his own. He didn’t apologize this time like he has in the past but that’s fine.  So grateful for finding Katarina and this group.  And funny, my boyfriend just in the last few days has been even more over the top sweet, adoring, and sexual  Usually after our weekend he pulls back for a few days, but this….my goodness, he has overwhelmed me with attention.  He said “I can’t get enough of you right now….you’re like an addiction.”

If I could only make dating a paying-job, lol.  Other men are sniffing around and I am finding this all fun. Life is good again. I feel really good right now and have for the last several weeks.  Keep the faith ladies, keep practicing.  It’s like planting a seed and then spring comes and it sprouts. But you have to patiently water the seed with leaning back into your life and let it grown by trusting it will sprout by letting go.

Anyway, thanks again. You do important work and I wake up every day very grateful I stumbled upon you when I was desperately looking for help.

And then:

Kat, just have to tell you again thank you. Ex and I had a school meeting with our son’s teachers yesterday and it was fabulous. Not one ounce of anxiety over seeing him or worrying about what to say or do. He wanted to talk afterwards. Wanted to tell me all about his recent doctor’s visit.

He walked me to my car, lingered. This is interesting to observe. Told me about my car, that he would finish it soon.  I thanked him graciously. At one point he sat down on a post like he was sick. I asked if he was okay and he said he just had to go to the bathroom. I said oh, I’ll let you go then. He said, no it’s okay.

LOL Boyfriend was so tender last night when I saw him. I can’t even put in words how I feel when I am with him lately. So tender and strong and loving. I am loving my time with him and starting to think about him a lot more lately. Thanks again. May you be blessed in your life and work.

I decided a couple of months ago that I had tried everything and why not completely commit myself to a process, like Kat’s. At first parts felt weird, like just remembering to actually smile at my ex when he was doing something nice.  To devout time and energy to things I wanted to see rather than the constant worry about things I don’t like.

I think I heard the planting of the seed from one of Deepak Chopra’s videos on letting go. He equated letting go like a gardener planting a seed. You give the seed water with your intention and desire (to get back with a former partner for example), then let it go. You don’t dig up the seed to see if it’s still growing as that would be the opposite of letting go and counter productive.  That visual has helped me a lot in letting go.

And changing, it’s all about little shifts for me. Noticing I am off track and adjusting course. Just one month ago, I still had to force myself through a interaction with my former husband. Like what should I say, what should I do. Monday’s text asking for a favor, sheesh, I was able to easily put it out of my mind and no anxiety over it at all.

I realized when he texted the next day I hadn’t even thought about his text the previous morning after I read it. Yay!! Progress!”

Patty is in a dilemma.  She’s not over his ex (they are separated after 16 years of marriage) and though they’re talking of divorce, clearly neither of them has begun to heal a painful relationship.  Both of them now are in a new relationship.

She found me two months ago and she swears now of her personal transformation after signing two cycles of both Journey Inward and Leaning Back workshop.

She now begins to see how much more peaceful she is after being on this path of non-striving.  Her energy is significantly lighter and brighter and addictive to both her ex and boyfriend.  Not only that it helps her relate better with other people in general too.  She no longer languishes in that exhaustive directing, busy-body mode that left her burnt and frustrated and not even close to get a fraction of what she wanted.

She is healing herself and in the process healing her painful relationship with her ex.  She is very open about her own unreadiness to commit to her adoring boyfriend.  And for now she’s taking it one day at a time.  At the very least she is embracing living in the moment and open to whatever might happen to her, her ex or her new relationship.

And, again, she sums it up beautifully here how her new approach works much better for her: “I am learning there is a time for saying what bothers you – when they bring it up and say they are sorry. Even when I disagree now, I just withdraw if it bugs me that much. There is magic in leaning back I think. Not only for how men respond, but how I feel now….chill, calm, light, easy. If a man wants to be a butthead, he can do it on his time, not mine, or with my audience. 

I actually do see it working almost daily now. With boyfriend, ex, co-workers, random strangers even. I even had a cute little boy maybe 6, run up to the door and with all his might open it for me. I let him and graciously thanked him. I work in a school and normally in the past would have helped him, but I recognize now the little man in training and want to encourage their sweet attempts.

And actually, for me it has felt like dropping ropes that have been tangling me up for years. I’ve dropped defending myself, demanding what I want, insisting on apologies, explaining myself….etc. And now I get it all without doing any of the things I used to do. It’s crazy.

My super grumpy colleague who surprised me last week by hugging me after apologizing for her super rude behavior…..Most are afraid of her and I talk to her like no biggie. Asked her how she wanted me to do something today and she ended the conversation with “Thank you so much Tricia.” Then sort of stomped away like she was off to war….her grumpy energy is still there, but man she is more mellow around me now. What a relief!!!

I was truly stunned at the difference non-reaction, leaning back made. It’s like the other person absorbs their own cruddy behavior and because I have pulled away, wants to bring me “back” and seeks me out to repair the damage. It’s amazing!!!! And addicting actually! lol

I honestly think the reason this is working for me is because 1) I feel determined not to repeat old patterns again 2) I practice it as often as I can, not with just my boyfriend or ex. This has caused it to become something I am just living, not as a strategy (although it started that way).

The beauty and grace of leaning back is a lady simply walks away. No need to explain or convince or defend. Just withdraw. The other person will figure out what went wrong because we didn’t fill up the space and allowed them to come to their own realization on their poor behavior.”

If you want to learn more practical advice like the ones Patty went through on how to deal with your partner or men in general (what to say in certain situations, how to respond/behave to his annoying traits, how to calm yourself not getting reactive each time you are triggered and how to inspire him to give you everything you want/need in the relationship, sign up for this brand new program “Four Components Of Melting His Heart” coming this March 30.

MORE: How To Make Him Intensely Desire You Again

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.  You can also be irresistible like Patty by attending my Journey Inward group coaching. 

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