How To Get Him To Commit Without Chasing Or Ultimatum?

How to get him to commit?  That’s the question most women have in their heads at some point in the relationship.  I teach how to inspire men to commit without bringing up the talk, in fact without doing much of anything at all ’cause she’s basking in her feminine essence. A high value woman doesn’t need to do that. A high-value woman is what makes men want to commit, because she’s too good to lose.


I’m excited to hear every day how the women who read my book and are in my private groups (add yourself there) are reporting real results in their lives.  They’re either reuniting with their exes, or get the commitment from men they want with either their formerly emotionally unavailable man  (EUM) or a new guy after leaving their EUM or are just plain happier enjoying a single life dating different adoring guys with a newly found source of self-love and self-confidence within themselves.

They have unleashed their feminine power.  This power is so mesmerizing and devoid of the old familiar anxiety and insecurities.

Yep, anxiety and insecurities are attraction killers.  That’s how you always seem to attract guys you are not interested in, ’cause you could care less what they think.  You are devoid of any agenda that emits the low energetic frequency of longing, manipulation and desperation.

This power is the very thing that makes a man want to commit to a woman.

Take this one, from my client Manda who recently got her emotionally unavailable guy to step up and claim her after following my tools and principles (and after so much resistance from her that resulted in her blocking me a few times on Facebook):

“Hi Hun thought I would again reach out to you again with positive feedback and an apology.  So I took your advice and moved on well trying to not put my eggs in one basket and five weeks later Brad came back to me confessing his love showing me he filed for divorce which is finalized this month and that he wants exclusivity.  Of course at first I took it as a lip service but one month later all is well and moving forward.  I love this man, it’s worth a shot so yes you’re right and I apologize profusely to you for not heeding.  I’m still dealing with my anxiety and anxious attaching as I’m regaining this man’s trust but Brad has helped through leaps and bounds! His ex knows about me and is moving on and she did start trouble but he stood up to her and said back off!!  So I now have the love of my life and I’m still dealing with insecurities but your process does work.

We have also talked about marriage kids moving in together next year things are moving forward.

Basically I fought with myself for a long time about the reality of my EUM (emotionally unavailable man) situation. I always thought I wasn’t good enough and that he never loved me. He only wanted sex!! I should have listened to Kat more but in the end I was having a war with myself and suffering a lot.

I deleted Kat, took things personally and also was very depressed!  Why wasn’t this man stepping up??!!  Then I just instinctively gave up and began Internet dating, met a guy, hit it off, dated exclusively a month and my EUM was gone! Now this guy was great then began doing some shady stuff. In that time my EUM emailed saying I miss you. I thought stuff you, too little to late even though secretly I missed my best friend!

Things fizzled with new guy and my EUM began declaring his love for me, the words falling off his lips. It freaked me out and I was quite shocked he also filed for divorce and explained that he needed this big shake up to realize that he couldn’t live without me.

He also told me he had been in love with me for months but was scared as he had so much baggage from his ex!! Now I took a chance after his romantic wooing me back and seeing where things go. We are exclusive. I’m also apart of his children’s life now and he is meeting my family next week we plan to move in in a year’s time even though I’ve been dating over year and half, it’s only a month exclusiveness so I wanna take it slow!!

The amazing feeling of having the man I’ve loved for so long say it back proves that leaning back works.  You can’t push a man to want or love you. I had to nurture me!!”

Miranda is learning how to get him to commit!

Manda is still working with me so she doesn’t relapse to her old self-defeating pattern and habits.  I’m seeing her getting stronger and more secure each day relying on her feminine power of leaning back.

My other book reader and active member of our growing community is Melissa.  She has a pattern of getting anxious and insecure each time she starts dating a guy until she read my ebook and religiously practices the principles I teach.  She recently wrote on her FB wall:

“I realize I’ve been single for a short time compared to some so haven’t had time to become jaded or bitter about dating. I also decided to treat dating as a training ground, not a hunting ground. Big difference in how much fun you have (and the quality of people you attract) by making that simple distinction.  And the best part is it’s authentic… never realized how feminine I am until now. —feeling blessed.”

“Training ground” is one of my very empowering principles that makes a woman a feminine goddess men adore.  It is the opposite of a “hunting ground” that unfortunately many women operate on.  It is devoid of any agenda or goal-drivenness.  She is not only a goddess in training, she lives it now and enjoying herself so much in the process it raises her vibrations.  She is now the understands the dynamics as to how to get him to commit.

And just when you are at the peak of the enjoyment of being such a goddess, some (lucky) guy will cut your stint short by claiming you. That’s how it works.  That was how it worked with me.

And my boyfriend tells me everyday how much he loves me.  He told me yesterday, “You’ve been nothing but magic since the day I met you. I’m so lucky. You really are the love of my life.”

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Melissa also wrote in the groups: Katarina speaks of making men your training ground. Was talking to a new guy Friday night about mistakes women make in relationships. He said I sound like one in a million. Of course I am. LOL. Because I truly love men and don’t think of them as hairy women. That I don’t focus on the outcome or the future and just let things unfold and don’t try to control everything. If I’m remembering correctly, anyway. 

So I decided that one piece of being that one in a million is to be the best sex any man has ever had. (Or as close as I can get to that, anyway.) So asked current guy if he would teach me everything he knows, and he agreed. More goddess training…

I am excited. I dreaded it at first, but was listening to two friends who have been single a long time and are jaded. But I’m having a wonderful time… and I have several to choose from. Quite a change from the nerdy brain in high school and college who never dated. 

P.S. he says I am the only woman he’s ever known who was so cool and laid back with no expectations. He’s 49.”

There is nothing more attractive to a guy than a soft, confident, happy, leaning-back woman who accepts and understands guys as they are.  Melissa really knows how to work it these days. At the end of the day, women like that are the ones who get commitment from men EFFORTLESSLY, not the gorgeous ones.

Then there is Tara who wrote in the group: “For so long I fought what Katarina was saying about leaning back. It was too simple. It was a game. It was not at independent women does. It went against my belief of going after what you want. I am reporting now that in my life (I can only speak for myself and my life situation) I was wrong. Dead wrong. Leaning back works. It is miraculous. So I fight the urge and I will continue doing so. To a point. Until the one comes along that is meant to be. Thanks Kat!”

Tara is not unique, most women don’t know the seductive power of leaning back.  I didn’t either till only recently.  Till one insight led to another during my “stint” with my EUM.  Now I’m comfortable to say that I have figured this out to a T.

Feminists will hate this but ultimately guys love demure women with a touch of assertiveness when needed. They connect to a woman who feels womanly to them. Don’t reverse it. These are the women that men commit to.

And on that note, it’s actually easy to get a man to commit. Men just love women they can lead. It just makes life easier for them. They don’t need another competitor. They have enough competition and stresses in the world, when they come home to their woman they want peace. Men and commitment really aren’t that complicated

That’s basically how Anna got her man to claim her only after four dates as well:

“We left to go to his friends BBQ get together.  He introduced me to all of his friends and their family. I was surprised and enjoyed meeting everyone even though I can’t remember all of their names.  One of the oldies commented that I will be quizzed on who’s who, jokingly.  Everyone was very nice and I felt welcomed.

I didn’t think much of it until his friend’s sister’s daughter asked him if I was his gf and he said yes.  Wow!  It works, Katarina :).

Around 8 pm, we all went to the park to watch the fireworks.  Also, Matt’s sister was there to meet us. He introduced me to his sis who seems to know so much about me.  She’s really pretty and nice. More of their friends friends arrived and I was introduced as Matt’s gf :).

It was the first time he held my hands and our first kiss. I had a great time. I closed my eharmony account simply because I just want to focus on us now that we are exclusive.  Thanks Kat :).  All I did was focus on myself, no expectations, and repeated to myself over and over that I’m a goddess and the most desirable woman alive whether he pick me or another match.

Still surprised that he picked me!”

And then there is Maha, who left her EUM and five months later met her current guy who claimed her only after 6 weeks.

“Well just spent 2 days with my guy, phew what a weekend!! Of opening emotionally, spiritually,’s been big and he is sooooo available and he’s asked me to be his girlfriend…..!!  I didn’t say YES yet..still processing but our hearts opened to each other and although I was scared on Saturday, now Monday night I feel more at ease and am learning to open my heart to LOVE.  It’s scary but a blessing!!!  And he LOVES dancing !! He sings and plays the drums and loves my passion for life and what I do in the world…so wonderful to have an engaged and present MAN!! We have another date on Thursday.

I walked away from my EUM end of last year.  It was the HARDEST choice I have ever made to walk into the light of MY truth and say I dont want this anymore.  I loved the guy and was so afraid to let go BUT I let go with love and kindness.   Five months later I have been given Lex.  He is 60!  And has said he has been looking for a woman like me all his life…and you know I have to confess through my absolute shock that I have been looking for a MAN like him all my life and never believed he was out there.  I am still pacing myself IN but the heart armour against the masculine (father) is coming down….”

All these women have one thing in common.  They are done with the chasing boy energy.  They cultivate their feminine magnetism by doing less.  Yes, by doing and giving less.  It’s counterintuitive, isn’t it?  They make themselves the prize guys compete to bring home to.  That’s what guys do, even if they tell you otherwise, they truly love challenges and competitions. Those get the adrenaline and testosterone running!  Don’t take that away from them.

To learn more about how to captivate a man’s heart, here’s the new program that will ensure the smooth sail of your relationship without ever appearing pushy and desperate by bringing up the talk: Four Components Of Melting His Heart (that is responsible in getting my client Chrissy engaged to her boyfriend of 6 months!)

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

MORE: Addict Him!  Yes You Can Addict Him….Here’s How

Are you having issues in your relationship and you don’t know where to go?  Grab my book and resolve all those issues once and for all.  And you will be included in the two lively private groups I own and see how women transform themselves there to become a high-value woman.

And sign up for my upcoming and recurring group coaching Leaning Back and Cultivating Feminine Mystique Workshop.  I will reveal all the keys you need to melt a man’s resistance to commitment there.

You can also be irresistible like my client Kirstie and get him to step up and marry you after a breakup by attending my Journey Inward group coaching in which she will guest star and share her story of transformation from an alpha female with beta traits to become a beta female with alpha traits.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).


Image credit Deposit Photo!


  • First; using the word ‘feminist’ with a negative connotation. Not cool. You say that men want women who are soft but “…assertive when needed…” whenever that might be. I’m guessing during sex. To me it sounds like you’re just teaching women how to manipulate themselves to get guys to ‘like’ them. Are you grown women or are you still in high school? Second; men want women who are genuine, real, not fake, manipulative, phony. From your fake nails to your fake hair extensions to your fake orgasms you are telling women that men only want THEIR needs met, and it’s the woman’s job to meet them and get what she wants through manipulation. Third; I think women can do a lot better. Being a feminist doesn’t necessarily mean strident. Maybe we’ve had to “Yell” so to speak, for so long because the people who control things (mostly men) want us to shut up and we’re tired of being quiet, passive, manipulating them to get what we want, need, deserve whether it’s equal pay, equal status, equal access, that is NOT dependent upon whether or not we please some guy in bed. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I’ve been proposed to many times in my lifetime, starting at the age of 16. I’ve been married. I’ve been in long term relationships. I just think you are doing THEM a huge disservice by talking like they’re stupid. They aren’t, well most of them aren’t. You’re doing women a disservice by telling them they have to manipulate men to get what they want, be it a relationship or whatever. They don’t. Do I believe that you should live your own life and let go of attaching to men who are playing you? Yep. Do I believe that if you want a commitment and he doesn’t that you should step away? Yep. Whether that brings him back to you or not is irrelevant. What is MOST important is honoring YOURSELF. To teach people how to treat you. Teach them to be honest, loving, and respectful, not manipulative, disparaging, and inattentive.

  • When I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to spend his life with me, he got defensive and replied, “You can’t ask someone you barely know to spend your life with them.” At the time, we had been dating for over a year so I thought he knew me well enough. His response caused me a great deal of pain and for several weeks I cried over it. We talked about it many times over the course of a few weeks, at which point I apologized for ever “pressuring” him and explained why I had. He then told me unexpectedly that he “wanted to be with me for the long run”, and when I asked again if he wanted to spend his life with me, he answered “Yes.” He told me later that his original response was because he felt pressured.

    My question for you is this: Was what he said under pressure true or false? It haunts me to this day. I’m sorry I ever asked because it really strained the relationship for me.

  • Hi Kat,
    First off, thank you so much for all your insights; they have helped me in so many areas of my life and I’m continuing to learn from them and grow as a person.
    My question is: How do you know when a guy has attached emotionally to you? One guy I’m seeing pretty much drowns in my feminine allure every time I see him, which has made leaning back easier and easier. Sex always seems to be the main thing on his mind (shocker I know) but he also opens up a lot and tells me things he is going through and how much he appreciates talking with me. On the other hand though, he knows I am dating someone else and hasn’t tried to claim me (he just makes off hand jealous/joking remarks from time to time). This has been the situation for about a year. Is there anyway I can tell how the strong the emotional connection is? I feel its always there and very strong but maybe he’s feeling something different and its just sex oriented.
    Any insight would be much appreciated.
    PS: When is your Feminine Magnetism book being released (I can’t wait!)

  • My boyfriend believes in long term commitment but not marriage. Every time I bring it up he becomes defensive and rigid. Is there any hope for marriage with a man that views it as a failed institution? Or is there a way for me to feel fulfilled and happy in the relationship without it? I was raised in a traditional family that placed high value on marriage. I tell myself it’s not a deal breaker, but I constantly obsess over his unwillingness to get married and fear that it will eventually destroy our relationship. I just want to be happy and fulfilled, with or without it (and with him, of course.)

    • Katarina Phang

      How’s the relationship otherwise?

      • It has good and bad elements. He can be very loving, supportive, and affectionate. He is helpful with cooking, cleaning, and household chores. He can also be critical, sarcastic, and somewhat insensitive. We come from different cultures, and I believe that strongly factors into our misunderstandings.

        I am apt to become insecure and have difficulty living in the moment. Some days all I think about is the fact that he doesn’t want to get married. My fears and insecurities are eroding away at the relationship.

        • Katarina Phang

          How long is the relationship? Try to stop bringing it up. It will only make him more defensive. Focus on building the relationship by practicing the principles I teach (you can start with my ebook and/or my ongoing program Four Components Of Melting His Heart, this cycle is Goddess Road to Engagement edition to celebrate 13 engagements this year alone).

          When you are so bonded marriage doesn’t seem to matter anymore, that’s when it usually happens. He won’t want to lose you and it will be a leverage to you if at that point you still feel that marriage is really important to you.

  • Also, I disagree that sexual chemistry and attraction stems from sexual polarity. I thought it has to do with pheromones, physical attractiveness, mutual trust, loving feelings, fun, playfulness, self-expression, intellectual compatibility, excitement and unpredictability and finding complementary qualities in both sexes–not men being masculine and women being feminine.

    It just seems to me that men simply haven’t grown the way women have and given that traditionally in a patriarchal set up they had the upper hand, they want to keep it.

    It is not fair to expect women to change to land a man. This alpha beta stuff gets pretty confusing and a tough balancing act, especially for women who are alpha. It gives men a huge advantage over women. They get to have their cake and eat it too. They get their ego strokes, have their way and get women too. They have safety in numbers because most men are masculine so women have no option but to change and be more feminine.

    Perhaps if women stood their ground and just stayed single–which would mean a lot of men would remain single as well, the men would step up and change to suit women.

  • Hi Kat

    All that you recommend a feminine woman should do is great. It definitely feels good whether or not there is a man in question. It feels good in life, in your career–in everything. Even Zen masters say, sometimes doing nothing is the best way.

    Like the poster who has written above, I tend to lean back in dating. I smile, take an interest in men, look and act feminine, warm, appreciate men. Mostly I don’t even let expectations get in the way because I take it as practice.

    However, I have seen that making a guy feel like a hero and complimenting him just makes him more interested in himself. I have seen guys go on and on about themselves and then automatically conclude that I must be an idiot in comparison to their genius and then given me a lot of unwanted advice as if I were a 3 year old. Somehow, I feel that my value was lowered because of this. I wasn’t flattering or doing it in that way but it didn’t work. In fact even guys who had complimented me earlier and thought I was high value then seemed to think that if I found them smart, I must not be smart myself and then just started acting like they were ‘above’ me. Many times, giving compliments has led to boasting and being self-involved in guys who did not appear to be those types. Sure, they end up feeling wonderful–but at my cost.
    For me making a guy feel great results in him boasting and showing off more and then acting condescending towards me and giving unwanted advice to “improve” me so that I can be just like him.

    Listening to a man, making him feel great worked great for my likability in general but I found that these men then went ahead and used all that ego boost to go hit on the girls they found really hot. So that didn’t work either. And the only reason they seemed to want to be around me was so that they could get another ego boost like a drug fix. They did not ask me out. Somehow I did not like this feeling of being liked primarily for how I was making them feel. I want to be liked for MY OWN wonderful qualities.
    Giving my feminine energy in dating results in getting a bunch of men-druggies for whom the fix is my femininity and not getting a relationship or a good man who wants me for me. It only increases my likability as a “friend”.

    Oh yes, and leaning back. Sure it gets the guys to pursue. But I am often felt wondering if it is because I present a challenge. What happens once I am won over? It seems to attract players more than good guys because they love the chase–which I am providing by leaning back. I want to be pursued because they are interested in ME and not what I represent and what it means for them.
    Leaning back in dating for me results getting hit on by players.

    Appreciating a man also doesn’t seem to work because even though it makes them feel good, it also makes them feel entitled to favors from me later on.

    So showing appreciation to a man results in him think I owe him.

    Your point about letting the man lead is great because it takes the burden off me but then I often find that I have to then go along with whatever the guy wants to do. He may or not may ask for my input and if I offer a suggestion in a feminine indirect way–it is rarely taken. While guys love appreciation, it does not mean they give me what I want or do things for me. Some guys just don’t want to do anything for a girl and no amount of appreciation makes a difference. Not that I appreciate to *make* them do something but this is what I have observed.

    So letting a man lead for me results in not getting my preference and being stifled.

    The other thing that worries me about letting a man lead is it often attracts very dominant alpha male types but I would prefer an alpha with beta tendencies or a beta with alpha tendencies.

    Being vulnerable has also led to its fair share of problems. Men and women alike think I’m weak and all my softness is just an invitation for people to trample upon me.

    So being vulnerable has led to me being trampled upon. I have to use my assertiveness to back people off and restore balance.

    The men I do happen to have attracted by being feminine–I have not found attractive at all.

    I really don’t like that a man wants to use me to feel good, masculine and like a hero. That is not my job. He needs to feel good about himself ON HIS OWN. He needs to find his OWN masculine energy and see the HERO in him rather than me. What about men getting their needs met on their own and enjoying a woman for her own sake? Sometimes I feel I should stop doing all these things.

    When I read your posts and your clients comments about how letting go of expectations, being less demanding, doing less led them to their perfect guy who stepped up and cherished them just seem very simplistic. I can’t believe that JUST by showing some appreciation these women got a man would do “anything” for her etc.

    What your clients say may have worked for them but I do not see it working for me. It is not necessary that feminine mystique will draw someone in and make a man want to make you happy and do things for you. No this is not true–I have seen this repeatedly. It might work with some guys some times but not always or often enough.

    Perhaps I have not met the right men or I am meant to be single or I’m doing something terribly wrong.

    The best part really about being feminine is what it has done for ME
    –I feel free
    –I feel light from letting go of expectations
    –I feel less burdened from leaning back and doing less
    –I feel natural–I have never pursued a man and never will–it makes me feel icky inside, regardless of my alpha traits.
    –I feel happy from focusing on myself, investing in myself and that has led to my improvement.
    –It keeps my dignity intact
    –It has increased my likability in general if not led to a relationship.
    –It gives me a much needed break from being masculine in other parts of my life.
    –It has enabled me to enjoy life by taking things slow, savoring it, seeing things differently and feeling deeply.

    No, it has not attracted a worthy man or relationship. If it does get me a man I will be left wondering if he wants ME or just wants a female who will give him an ego boost, hero status, feminine energy, a trophy and someone to dominate and trample upon for the rest of his life only to be replaced by another female, should I decide to leave after being tired of him.

    My conclusion is that being feminine helps but not where men are concerned.

  • Hi, I’m trying to do all the things in your book, but the guy already told me he doesn’t think he’s capable of having kids- won’t take care of them. So I’m wondering why I’m even here if I already got a picture that this guy doesn’t see a future with a family in it. 🙁

    It’s like I try to convince guys through my love that I will eventually get them to change their minds on this one. This issue plagues me and I think I may be scared that the guy who wants kids – I will never be attracted to (I meet alot of guys who aren’t attractive to me – the guys who are attractive – don’t want kids)I also just turned 40 – so my fear and anxiety levels are pretty huge.

    Thank you for listening!

    • Erin,
      Then he’s not the one. Enjoy him till a guy who matches you finds and claims you. Keep dating and don’t get desperate. I met Joe when I surrendered and a year later we are trying to conceive. It happens when you least expect it.

  • Hi Kat, I never told my story in public and reading other peoples made me realize I’m not alone. My love ended recently. My ex left me 2 months because he found someone else. I was basically destroyed emotionally. My first love left me because he said he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me anymore. Deep down I felt like he was not being honest. I known him for 3 years n to be honest it was rough. I was there for him when he was homeless, helped hI’m get back to school, n tried my best to make him happy. I know we are young.. but I always stood by his side. I know he wasn’t the best boyfriend but I guess I loved him so much n just accepted him for who he was. Not caring if he hurt me.I was destroyed when he ignored my calls n just neglecting me. And when he did answer he would just tell me his busy. I cried and cried and it still hurts . Its been two months already since we broke up and 2 days ago I got a text from him apologizing and telling me I was perfect but that he really messed up. That he got someone he doesn’t love pregnant. I feel so lost n disappointed. Its really hard to let go of the person u once loved. I have done everything I can to change my life and my appearance to start a new life, but this message really brought back the pain.

    • Johana, stay strong and you know what, the fact that he texted you that should validate you as a person and a partner. See the glass half-full. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

      Why was he so unhappy that he left you?

  • Hi Katarina. I woke up this morning feeling sad. I have read and read so much about dating and relationships that I am now confused about what works and what doesn’t. I am single and dating a couple guys. Sometimes more at a casual level. Learning and observing men and relationships. I lean back 98% of the time. I allow them to come to me weather it’s one day or a week. I allow them to initiate contact, ask me out on dates, plan the dates and lead the conversations. i even lean back with my body language when we are out. I smile a lot, playful, happy, appreciative and give them compliments but not too much. I feel sexy and confident when I’m on my dates. I try to enjoy the moment and have no expectations. With all that said, I feel like something is wrong for the reason that the guys I date haven’t asked to become exclusive with me. The relationships do not move forward. Please advice. Thank you.

    • Hi Sparkle, it’s okay to feel sad. Feel it without judgment. Accept that you are sad. It’s just a feeling anyway. But once you’re done, look out and see how beautiful life is. Focus on the things you have and be grateful for the life you have. Do things for yourself that makes you happy. Relationship isn’t an end all be all. If you’re happy being single, time flies and before you know it a deserving guy would want to claim you. That’s what happened to me! So don’t stop loving yourself and everything that life gives. It is perfect as it is.

      And remember guys respond to your energy. If your energy is goal-oriented and restless, you are not attracting the very thing you want: commitment. If you care less and you are actually present and enjoying the moment, you become a magnet to any guy. Try it.

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