How To Get Him Interested Again After I’ve Messed Up?

how to get him interested

Most of my clients find me after they have screwed up, royally with their boyfriends.  They have reached a point of desperation and are trying all the wrong things. At the end of their ropes, they ask me how to get him interested again.  Begging, pleading, texting him relentlessly, trying to get him to talk, will not work.  That comes from a place of low energy. If you want to know how to get him interested in you again, it’s going to take a big shift in your energy.


“OMG Katarina!!! I don’t even have the words to tell you what I feel today… Well, it was exactly a year ago that I reached my lowest point with my guy which lead me to you a couple of weeks later… Yes, a year ago he brought his hot Ukarainan woman to Jordan, telling me about it and adding that he needed me to leave him alone while he would be “enjoying” her…He had lost all interest in me.

Worst period of my life! Oh I cried so much because of it and I felt so hurt and depressed… It was the end of my word. I couldn’t understand at all why this was happening to me and what I did wrong to push him to act this way… Why wasn’t he falling in love with me although we have been seeing each other for a almost a year by then??

I have the chills while writing it because I remember this pain oh so well! But I’m smiling too!! I’m smiling because finding you totally changed my life and changed who I am… Oh yeah ! You and your ladies here helped me grow and today for the first time in my life I feel I’m not a girl anymore but a true woman!!!

Thank you Kat!!! You can’t imagine how grateful I am that I met you and I thank God every night for this! He is interested in me again and we are together again.

I don’t know what to tell you anymore in order to thank you for your teachings and support and advices!!!  It’s like magic!  Even the way he stares at me it’s different now. I  can see love coming from him in every smile and every touch and every word!  Crazy !!! Thanks so much!  I can’t believe this is happening and I feel sooooo happy all the time!  Love you <3.

I could have never believed a year ago that this man would still be in my life!! Never! To me it was just the end… I could have never believed that this man could ever love me the way he does now, and even expressing it out loud in font of everyone!

Never Kat… Who would have believed that this same guy would be talking to me just yest about how we should raise OUR kids! I almost need to slap myself to make sure I’m not dreaming! Haha….Before I met you, I had no hope, let alone know how to get him interested in me again.

He had already started to call me again as friends only by the time I found Kat but I can assure you that from the very first time I saw him again after just a week of learning her teachings he had to noticed the change already and I even remember that he said “oh ! You are different! I dunno what changed in you.. But you seem much more confident and fun” TA DAAA!

I took the 3 first rounds of Journey Inward and 2 first rounds of the Leaning Back Workshop I think… I still listen to it when I’m triggered (mostly when I am PMSing ).

Of course it was up and down after that… For months! He even brought the Russian woman back in January and flew to her in April… It was a long long path…. Until I finally realized what leaning back really meant because I did it spontaneously without thinking about it mid-August.. I really wanted to move on ! And that’s when the magic happened.

Well what else can I say other than thank you… Thank you all of you ladies who stood by me and helped me grow and had the guts to give me tough love so I would wake up and change. You all are my angels. Also, special thanks to my dearest Arida who is now one of my closest friends ! She is the one who gave the strength and taught me patience and how to become mellow and feminine although I was badly resisting it.

I love you all!!! And may God bless you all.”

Miracles do happen.  At least in Katarina’s world they do.

Even when you have messed up, I can show you how to get him interested in you again.  Repeatedly.

I love collecting daily testimonials like this. This is what makes me keep going with my mission to enlighten women. Maura never thought this day would come but here she is….adored and cherished as the Queen of a man of her dreams…a man with options that every woman throws herself onto.

How to Get Him Interested Again is in Shifting Your Energy!

Everything is possible in Katarina’s world. And all it takes is a shift in perspective and energy that will catapult you to that coveted place of making an alpha man wobble in his knees cause you are just so irresistible and appeal to his basic instinct.

Are you in love with an alpha man that is just so hard to pin down?  Have you tried all tactics and strategies in the book to get him to commit and declare to the world that you are his one and only?  Have you plead, cajoled, threatened to walk away, acted psycho and needy, thrown a fit, withdrawn, confronted, stalked him, brought up the talk over and over and given him empty ultimatums?  Or in other words: have you messed up as Maura has?

Stop now.  You are just making a fool of yourself and the more you do all those things, the less likely he will give you what you want, let along be interested in you again at all.

The more alpha a guy is (which means the more options he has when it comes to women), the less likely he will give up his freedom just because you happen to sleep with him pretty regularly.  He has to have a very good reason to enter monogamy with any woman.  It’s not a decision he lightly makes.  And often it doesn’t happen overnight.

If you read my book I talk about how freedom is the highest currency for a man.  Only when he’s ready to give up all his options, and not a day before that time, he will commit to you.  Many women stumble after just a few dates because they feel these men of their dreams owe them something.  The more they feel that way, the harder it is to get what they want.

My method is Love Jiujitsu of the highest form.  It’s not easy to get schooled in the new mindset, granted, but there is no denying this is the only way that works with men, especially the masculine alpha men that many women desire.  Men will naturally become interested in you, with little effort on your part.

In my book I also talk about boiling the frog, this is the term that women in my growing community commonly use (boil him!).  What is boil-the-frog method ala Katarina?  You will get better understanding if you read the book, of course, but the long and short of it is it pertains to the analogy of a frog unknowingly being frog alive in a jug.  The water gets heated very slowly and the frog is enjoying itself in the warm water until at some point it gets hot and by then it’s too late for him to jump out!

He’s boiled alive.

It’s the same philosophy with men.  You can’t rush him, you just mirror his level of interest. You can’t force him to have feelings for you, stay interested in you, or to fall in love under your watch.  You have been told that if he hasn’t committed within three months he won’t (whoever makes that arbitrary time line, thanks for contributing to more anxiety in women).  Tons of women have resorted to that futility and they ended up on my website…including yourself. 🙂

But you can drown him with honey.  You are so wonderful that he’s hooked on your sweet nectar.  After a while he decides that no other woman compares to you and he’d rather give up some of his freedom (the freedom to sleep with as many women as possible) than to lose you.  He’s ready to experience a deeper and more satisfying emotional connection in a committed relationship with the woman who gets him.

He wants to make you his one and only without you having to beg or threaten (begging or threatening is a turn off).his Queen.

That’s what’s happening with Maura.  For a man like her guy, when he’s ready to commit or to make her a girlfriend it usually means he’s ready to marry as well.  That’s what happened to my ex.  We casually dated for 1.5 years till he was ready to claim me and by then he was set in his mind he would marry me.  And we married a year later.

In a situation like hers, in which you are too attracted and hooked to walk away, yet to distressed to stay, my method gives you a middle ground solution.  You still keep your standards high yet you aren’t reactive.

In the wise words of my dear alpha friend Graham R White who is also a coach:

This is what commitment looks like (referring to typical women’s expectations on how a man should behave: “moving mountains,” calling everyday, etc).  Interest looks different and to get to the point of commitment a man must be interested long enough to observe a woman, her personality, her preferences, her expectations and her performance under pressure to get a stronger and stronger sense that she’s it for him.

There is a point where a man with options willingly lets all the other options go because the woman he’s with is worth more than every other woman on every dynamic that he loses interest in pursuing variety over what he’s got because variety on it’s own has little value.

And you know when a man feels that way about you when all the things that are written in that meme exist – particularly when there’s pressure happening in his life at the same time and none of those things stop.

That said, a man with the capacity to even begin to do this would never treat a woman casually and expect that things will ever be that serious because he’ll recognize the precedent he’s treating her with will make her feel like she’s a ‘filler,’ the kind of woman he fills time with until he comes across one who might be the one.

Every woman should have a minimum standard of dignity and expectation she insists on being treated with and this falls into what Katarina calls “Leaning back”. A real man doesn’t over commit so he’s always able to follow through on what he says. All the small incongruencies that show up in a guys life point to the fact that he hasn’t actually grown up yet.

If he says he’ll call, text, show up or look after something and doesn’t, that should be the moment you lean WAY back and set the precedent that you’re the type of woman who doesn’t have time in life to be taken for granted. I don’t say that from a ‘how to get a good man’ perspective, I say that from a ‘how to change the world’ perspective.

Women who live with high standards are the number one force in the world to raise standards across the board. Nothing inspires men as much as a good woman with high standards and your Leaning back is what builds backbone in men as they learn the art of Leaning In.

Yup, your standards aren’t built on resentment and reactiveness but on taking care of yourself and not making him a priority when you are only an option to him. He gets it with equal investments you give him and mirroring. That speaks louder than repeated “I deserve….” or lashing out. That’s what sets Katarina’s girls apart from the average women and that resilient softness makes you so unforgettable to any man.

Curious and want to learn more?  It’s time to make a real investment and sign up for all my programs like my most successful clients.  And want to hear is straight from the horse’s mouth?  Sign up for my very affordable Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship monthly membership  in which Maura was also featured.  You can listen to the recording of her amazing story in the interview here.

And stay in this blog cause you won’t find insights like this anywhere else!  And ask questions on the comment section and I’ll do my best to answer them.

MORE: Now He’s Hooked, Keep Him Hooked With The Seductive Power Of Language Of Desire: Dirty Talk

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).
Image credit Deposit Photo!


  • Hi Katarina! I’ve read this article like four times to get all of my notes jotted down and to scrutinize where I have went wrong in the past. I’ve always been hurt and left alone by men, but when I read this article, I realized where I made some terrible mistakes. Anyway, I met a gentleman through one of my girl friends (he’s a friend of her boyfriend) and I was happy to meet him because there was a guy before him who was horrible to me. After we met, he asked me for my number and we began talking a lot. The second time I met up with him, was when my friend had planned a beach get together with just myself, him, her boyfriend and herself and he asked me for a kiss that day. The third time I saw him was for the night of my birthday and he was amazed with how I looked, that night my friend carried us for a drive and he held my hand and kissed it, he held my hand while we were in the car and I felt great. Earlier in the day of my birthday, he called me to wish me “happy birthday” and he asked me out on the next day (this was our first initial date together alone). We went to watch a movie that day and then dinner and he paid for everything. Afterwards, he carried me to a park in the town and we talked and made out. When we walked through the town, he held my hand throughout and I felt like a queen. Since we began talking, I would always let him message me first and he would call me loving pet names. One night we were talking and the topic of sex came up. I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me and he said “yes” and I told him that I don’t wanna have sex outside of a relationship. We both agreed that we still needed time to get to know each and probably a relationship may occur. I continued to talk to him and I got the impression that he wanted to have sex with me, because he began asking me for nude pictures and one day he suggested for us to go at a hotel. There were days that I would have gotten angry with him, because he would disappear on me for like 2-3 days, but I would never messaged him, he would always come back and I think I began asking him for a relationship indirectly. He mentioned to me that he isn’t looking for a relationship right now and that he’s focusing on rebuilding. A few times I hung out with him and he brought up the topic of his ex-girlfriend when he was making an example, but I’m not sure if he’s over her. He told me he really like me, but he don’t wanna rush into anything. My friend told me that I made some mistakes with him, by mentioning certain things that shouldn’t have been said until there was a relationship and I got upset, but I’ve seen where I went wrong. Lastly, almost two weeks ago I blew up on him because we had planned to go out and I realized he was making excuses and then he went out with his friends, after that he hasn’t spoken to me for two weeks now and I feel bad about the whole situation, because I learnt after that he wanted to do something nice for me, although sometimes I was mean to him, because of past situations. Should I message him apologizing for all of the things I said and lean back after or wait until the trip (We are going on a trip very soon with friends)? I need some advice, because I think he is a great guy and I don’t want anybody else to have him. My friend told me that whatever we had is gone, because I blew it, but I believe I can still fix it. We have been talking for almost eight months now. I really hope you respond asap.

  • First off, thank you for this website. Now that I have found it, I feel as though I have finally found peace among all other relationship advice. Although I had an innate feeling of where I had gone wrong, this website has allowed me to put into exact words what I did and what I should do.

    I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for nine months now. I was the one who picked him up, shook him out, and put his life back on course. Before, he was in a very long sad period where he believed he had no future and was having trouble starting his engines, so to speak. For the first few weeks, I was the one who pursued him, but I was constantly warning him that I was most probably emotionally unavailable and had intimacy issues. After a month, he started calling everyday and after another two, he told me that he loved me. At the halfway mark, he told me that if I lived near him, he would have already proposed by now. While 25% of me rolled my eyes at his naivety, 75% of me had my ego stroked (so who is the real naive one here?). I toned down my warnings and opened myself up, but my insecurity over some intimacy issues still remained as we have not been able to meet not on the internet or over the phone due to financial issues.

    These last few months I’ve messed up massively in how I’ve acted. He was having career problems that were his own fault (procrastinating until the last minute, and then just deciding to give up), and I “whipped him” in conversation to realise what a mistake he was making. There were also times where I helped him with something, and he preferred to share his good results with his friends first in a public forum, and would not tell me of it until hours or days later despite my personal involvement with the projects, and I felt disrespected – which I told him and he, I suppose, fixed. On top of that, I’ve been running my mouth like a motor more and more whenever he called, as if I was afraid of silence (he’s always seemed “sad” whenever we had lulls in our conversation, so I thought it would fulfill his needs, although I’m not great at bullsh** conversations and don’t like doing it). I also started texting him with things I thought he might be interested in, like news stories, with him replying 50% of the time.

    My insecurity over my intimacy issues also came to a head until it spilled out several weeks ago and we had a Talk in which I started crying. I think this was the first time in which whatever fantasy he had in his head of me came tumbling down. The next day I apologised and said that I’ll work on my issues, but he was already in a terrible brooding mood. The day after that, when he called, he said everything was fine and he was calm with everything, asking me if I was doing okay. He still continued to call me every day, but I could tell he was still “recovering” from that Talk; by his social media, he even indicated publicly that he was feeling very depressed. I think I fell into a paranoia and kept asking him about how he was feeling and once about a different girl who was posting all over his social media and he was (publicly) having friendly conversations with. I kept trying to find the root of my intimacy issues, and I told him that I did not trust him fully, among other blabs.

    The week prior to this one he only called 4 days out of 7 (instead of everyday), and I misread the situation as him going into a depressive episode. At the beginning of this week, when he didn’t call, I texted him to remind him that I love him and will always be there for him. He only replied that he’ll call me tomorrow. When he didn’t, I ended up calling him. I finally goaded him to let me know what’s on his mind. He told me that the spark is gone from the relationship. I told him that I didn’t want him to just disappear from my life, and we could work on reigniting it; I told him that he’s the only person who I wanted to be intimate with. He told me I’m his best friend – that means so much more to me than any of his old “I love you”‘s, as I am a slow burner when it comes to love, but I understand that he has a different definition and needs to have a flame. After he let his feelings out, he said that he was happy that he wasn’t bottling things in anymore, but now he just needed to thing the emotional state of things through because he does value emotions highly. He, on his own, said that he’ll 100% call the next day at this and this exact time. We had a fun conversation about fun things after that, in which it was difficult for both of us to say goodbye.

    It’s been several days now, and not a call or a text in sight. I have not tried to contact him at all. I can still see him updating his social media, though at a lesser frequency. Frankly, after the first anxiety-ridden day, I’ve been having a good time by myself and whether he calls or not is good for me. I will always welcome him back with open arms, for I do not drop my “I love you”‘s lightly. The curiosity eats me up at the moment, but I’m sure it’ll weaken with time: Will he call, and what will he say? And, more importantly: What should I say then? In some way, especially since I was told that he would call at a specific date and hour, I feel disrespected.

    • Sounds like an imaginary relationship. What “financial issues” stop him from calling or seeing you on the internet? Sounds like an excuse. Move on and invest in my ebook. You are way too invested in this and you killed whatever was blooming with so much leaning forward and anxiety.

      • Oh dear, I should have been more clear with that sentence. I meant that we had not been able to met in real life. He used to call/video call every day.

        Thanks for the advice! I’ll look into the ebook.

  • my ex of 6 years broke up with me because he said he was unhappy. hard for me to believe since he stayed in it for so long. i found out i was pregnant after the break up and then i miscarried. i didn’t tell him until after the fact because i was unsure of what he might say or do. i did some things that i’m not proud of. i incessantly called and texted him, drunk called him, and showed up at his house unannounced and uninvited to give him stuff back. he has blocked my number again and will not unblock me. i haven’t spoken with him in over 2 months. i wrote him a letter about a month and a half ago saying something about the pregnancy and miscarriage but i am not sure if he even read the letter, so i didn’t get a response. then i messaged him two weeks saying that i was sorry for my behavior and that i would like to talk before i move. then i messaged him last week saying that i’d like to talk again and give him some things of his back, again no response. i have been messaging him on social media since he has blocked my number. i know that i haven’t acted right but he hasn’t either and i want a chance at reconciliation. i messaged him a few days ago saying that i would like to give him his things back and that i would like some closure and would like to discuss the pregnancy and miscarriage. but he won’t even acknowledge me and i just don’t think he is being fair. he says that he knows what he wants int he future but no one knows what he/she wants in the future, not even him. it’s unfair of him to say that. his demeanor changed when i got into grad school in the same place where he wanted to go to grad school and he got wait listed. he broke up with me 3 weeks after i got into grad school where he wanted to go. i want to work things out, i want him back, and i want him back now. i found out he is seeing someone else and i lost my cool and i got his family involved and i just wasn’t thinking very clearly and i was just so upset and angry. i have since then cut off contact with them and i have been in therapy for quite sometime and will continue to be in therapy. i cannot handle the fact that he may never talk to me again. he does not get a free pass to act like this and things need to be discussed. i want him back. I am not sure if he is still with this new person, I am too afraid to look on social media to see if he is because I do not want to have another mental breakdown. All I want is him back. That is all. I am tired of people telling me to take care of myself, I have done that and I want a second chance. I have since this apologized to his mom but not his sister. As for him, I have tried to apologize but I am continuously ignored. I heard that he wasn’t seeing the new girl anymore and I want to reach out to him but I don’t know how to reach out in a way to get him to respond to me. I want to rekindle things. I haven’t reached out to him since I moved to a new city for school which was over 2 months ago. I want him back and I need your help.

  • Hi Katarina,

    So I like this older guy and everything was great in the beginning. He even told me to make time for him in my life since I was a busy person. We flirted a lot, texted all the time for about 3 months and he took time out of his busy schedule to see me. We had a wonderful night and we continued texting afterwards but whenever I wanted to see him again, he was too busy. I was understanding for about a month until I blew up about it and walked away…and he let me. It was like he didn’t care. I tried to forget him. Whenever we saw each other he’d stare right at me or would ensure I saw him. After about 2-3 weeks I spoke back to him and we talk now but it’s not the same. He’s not flirty with me and sometimes he’s curt and clipped. I don’t know where I stand with him but I’d really like for him to show affection again.

  • Hi Katarina: first of all I have to tell you your blog has changed my dating life. I tell all my gf’s about it when they are sweating over guys!! I now let them initiate, i keep a dating rotation and let go of my expectations. It’s really worked, I have 3 or 4 quality guys asking me on dates and sending me cute pics etc. Now that I have no expectations I can see which ones are ready for more and which just want to have fun sometimes and flirt and stay single…because if we are patient their behavior will show us. Now I have one question as I get to the next level: I started dating a man who’s 10 years younger than me (I’m 34) he sent flowers, set up dates, drives me everywhere, helps me with stuff early on. He texts me everydday and our interactions are both sexy and sweet/loving. We cuddle, he says he’s so glad he met me etc. Then I started to have feelings for him. He asked to reschedule our last date at 7pm that night on saturday though!! I was upset because it ruined my eve and made me think I was no longer a priority. Should I completely ignore him and let him reach out to me or should I send a casual text at any point? I haven’t heard from him in two days since then and I think it’s cause he thinks I’m mad at him…i was chill but a little irritated when I replied. Do I leave it or send a casual text so he knows I’m not mad anymore and enjoy him just the way he is….I don’t know how to deal with this stage now that we have become close and consistent! Thank you so much.

  • Hi, Katarina, just reading through and everything’s so interesting.
    I met this guy online, we are both in our early 30’s. We met up and went to a few bars and was like love at first sight for both of us. The day after the first date he said he is removing himself from the dating website so I can be in his life as his girlfriend.

    He contacted me often through messaging as his English language is not very good, it’s actually quite bad at times, but I still wonder why he never tries to call. We are now intimate, this happened after 4 dates. Sometimes I noticed that he did not reply to a few messages but would always contact me at some point to say he missed me or send kisses. I don’t know if this has something to do with the language barrier.
    I had become insecure about it and decided to initiate texting sometimes and began to overthink if he never got back to me quickly.

    One night he cancelled on me, after not seeing each other for a week due to his heavy work schedule, So I just got upset and and said I will go to bed now, not wanting to discuss it, he told me that he promises this will all change the being busy with work and soon will will be together all the time, he said he loved me and I never answered until the next morning but I have never told him I love him. He made a suprise visit to me the next day with flowers. I was so looking forward to him getting some time off work and his family rang and arranged for him to go visit Poland which is where he is now.

    Before he left he never came to see me to say goodbye said he was busy so I said “if you want I can date someone else”, I think this may have hurt his feelings.
    I messaged 3 times to say if I don’t here from him have a good trip he never answered. I then messaged to say does he still want to be together he answered straight away saying yes, he wants to be with me. But no explanation about the not answering my messages.

    2 days later he texting to say he’s happy there, but he misses me. Didn’t hear from him for 2 days so I messaged a pic, hevmessagrd one back straight away. Didn’t here from him for another 2 days, so started to worry about why he’s not initiated conversation I can see has free time as he is always online in Facebook.
    I’ve asked him again if he wants to be together if he’s happy, and he said he’s happy he has me in his life.

    I am so confused if this is true, or If he may have someone else, or if he is fed up and a bit upset with me. Please help before I message again to ask him. He’s back in a few days. I think he’s losing interest for some reason. Thanks

    • Katarina Phang

      You lean forward so much!! Stop it. You’re pursuing him and drop all expectations. You must still date others, he’s not whree you’re at emotionally. This is too early to call it a full blown relationship. He doesn’t initiate cause you always beat him to the punch and you get all anxious. Read my book before you push him further.

      • Thanks Katarina. I will start to date others again, and lean back, because I like him a lot. I think I do need the book. Don’t want to push him further.
        Thanks again

  • Hi Kat, what if you screwed up so much he’s not even seeing you? Or talking to you? Basically he wants nothing to do with you…but it was ALL my fault. 100 percent. Do I just wait for him to contact me? I believe he will someday. I am dating, but feel if he would just see me/talk to me we could start over. Is it too much to send him nice messages every once in awhile? Short story he basically ignored me when I first went crazy, he continued to ignore me and I got super crazy. The only communication we have had is him telling me to stop contacting him and one brief text exchange I initiated. All other attempts of contact have been ignored. I feel theres still something there.

    • I felt the same way at a point as well. I learned to distance myself. My ex told me more n more I bother him I’m just pushing him further away. The last I seen him he told I can do better and appreciate me trying to reach out to him but I should move on and his wish that I understood even tho he was already in a bad mood. So I decided to leave him alone and let him deal with whatever is bothering him. Naturally he is a moody person. Just give him time to reflect as ms. Kat would say just lean back do less. It’s hard even for me. We can’t control other ppl emotions only oursleve.

  • Hi Katarina, I know you talk about dating other people after a break up to make yourself appear more high value. Do you recommend explicitly telling your ex that you’re seeing other people? And do you still recommend doing this if part of the problem is that your ex has trust issues with you?…

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