How To Deal With Holiday Blues: Let Go Of Your Holiday Expectations

cure your holiday blues

This time of year is the high time for all our insecurities and abandonment issues to come up.  It’s necessary to let go Holiday expectations. We associate anniversaries, birthdays, Holidays and Valentine’s, and the fact that guys remember them and do what’s necessary to celebrate them with us or to make us feel special on those days, with love.  It’s true when a guy does all that it speaks volume of his love but the opposite doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t either.  Those women who are full within are elated when their guy does all that yet they are not offended when he doesn’t either.

My client Gina has been struggling about the Holiday season even though after practicing leaning back and attending my Leaning Back workshop twice (she re-signed up for the current cycle as well) her EUM has consistently stepped up more than he ever did.  She shared this in the ladies group, “Hi everyone, I could really use some support today. I am trying so hard NOT to send snarky texts or vibes to my EUM because I’m frustrated by the way he’s been making plans for us to spend time together over this next week while I have holiday time off. I appreciate his efforts, and this is all his idea. I’m battling my own control issues and insecurities regarding the close relationship he maintains with his ex girlfriend’s family, with which he’s choosing to spend Thanksgiving.

I know he means well as he tries to plan some special time for us in the next week, but it’s all last minute and I’m trying to accept that I am not his priority. I think the holiday stress is already getting to me and making me feel less positive. Ugh!

My insecurities about the relationship my EUM has with his ex’s family haven’t been an issue for a while, but have been rearing their vicious teeth in the past few days. I really need to get over it. 

We’ve been dating since March, but my EUM is not my boyfriend. I don’t think his ex will be there, and even if she is, it’s none of my business. I had my own plan for thanksgiving all along, and, at the last minute he tried to arrange for me to travel to Mammoth to join them all after Thanksgiving.  So, he invited me and offered to fly me to Mammoth, an hour flight from where we live and where he would already be with them in a cabin they all rented.

I accepted his invitation. The problem is that he didn’t think through the logistics of inviting me.  Once he looked up the last minute flight for me, and realized how awful traffic would be driving back on Sunday, he basically dropped the plan.  Logistically, it doesn’t make sense at all for me to go up there last minute, and I can’t, nor would I want to contribute to an expensive ticket to go up there for a day and a half.

So, one minute I was invited, the next, I wasn’t going. Instead he’s been cooking up another plan for a local trip for us this weekend so we can spend some special time together before he leaves town. I appreciate his efforts, but during this confusing process of planning I got confused and my feelings started flying all over the place. I wasn’t expecting to leave town at all, but I all of the sudden felt left out of a fun trip in the snow where he’d be hanging out with his ex’s family and not with me. I got jealous, but there’s really nothing to be jealous of.

I have so many friends and family I can catch up over my time off, and I could really use some rest. It’s been a crazy week. I’m not a big fan of the holidays. This holiday season I really need to constantly check myself so I don’t get caught up in holiday expectations.

This experience is just the nudge I needed to date others. It’s been the most challenging part of Kat’s teachings for me, but I think the most important. I’m trying to let the negative feelings go tonight. He’s picking me up at 10am tomorrow for a weekend of wine tasting in the CA Central Valley.  A little drive up the coast and wine tasting will be fun. Thanks you all for your support and thoughts today

~~~~

The weekend was lovely, thanks for asking. There was a lot of wine tasting, sunshine, ocean, and food involved. We did have an awkward couple of hours though:

He brought up Thanksgiving over dinner one night and I became sullen. I was still frustrated about it, which is why I had no intention of bringing it up, and when he brought it up, I didn’t really want to talk about it and became withdrawn. It was also late, after a day of wine tasting so I was tired and tipsy.

He reached out though and he explained his decision to spend the holiday with his ex- girlfriend’s extended family because he’s close to them, but that his ex wasn’t involved in the plan. He said he’d never put himself in the situation in which he’d be alone with her because that would be “disrespectful” to me, and that he had assumed that I knew that.

I told him it wasn’t my place or my business to assume anything about who he chooses to spend his time with, but that it didn’t make me feel good thinking that he would be spending Thanksgiving with his ex. It wasn’t a dramatic conversation, and I felt better afterward. Once we talked about it I was able to finally (sincerely) wish him a good time, and he’s been in constant contact with me since he left town, sending sweet messages.

Other than that, the weekend was relaxing and fun, very chill.

This has been a lesson for me to continue dropping expectations, especially around holidays. I had made the mistake of inviting him to my family’s house for Thanksgiving day and becoming disappointed when he chose to spend it out of town with his ex’s family.

I’m going to avoid trying to incorporate him into my family and enjoy what we have. He’s not my boyfriend, and I’m ok with that. I get confused sometimes, though, because he acts like my boyfriend. Yet, I do find that he does more when I do less. When he wants to be part of a plan with my family and me he invites himself, LOL. He’s done that before, so I’ll leave all of that up to him and not worry about the time he spends with his ex’s family.

However, I do agree with your advice, Kat, that I should not deprive myself of anything, and that I really need to try to date other men. In any case, it was a great weekend to remember and I’m glad to see that I look happy and relaxed in all the pics he took of me.

I’m not even really into the holidays and I’m already having to check myself. I think there’s just so much pressure and emotion connected to the holidays and it’s hard to avoid getting wrapped up in the whirlwind.”

This situation hits close to home to me and I’m sure to you all.  I’m blessed that I have my boyfriend to celebrate the holidays with this year (and also last year since we met on Thanksgiving) but I’ve been in Gina’s place after my split from my ex.  The following 4 Holiday seasons after the breakup were very depressing and painful for me.  I just wanted to skip the whole thing.

I was dating a couple of guy pretty intensely on the 2nd and 4th year (last year) and even then I didn’t get to celebrate the Holidays with neither of them.  In fact my EUM that was I seeing was pulling away during and after Christmas and he only returned in the new year.  I wasn’t part of the Holiday plan.  And it felt really lonely and stirred a lot of abandonment issue to be “excluded” in this very important time, even though like Gina, I didn’t really grow up caring so much about Holidays.

But the meaning attached to them now you are romantically interested in someone is a reminder that may be you are not worth it.

Yes, it’s the meaning we associate with it, mainly based on society’s expectations of what Holidays are all about.  It’s about caring for the people closest and most important to you, hence when you are excluded your mind is telling you loud and clear: you’re not worthy!!

No wonder single people and those who are just in the beginning stage of a relationship feel very blue during this season.

So if you have just started dating a guy, or in a label-less relationship with a guy who hasn’t claimed you like Gina, tame your expectations and stop associating celebrating Holidays together with whether or not he cares/ loves you.  It’s the most awkward time for people who are on the fence in their relationships.  It feels too early to include their dates with their families, yet it potentially feels like a rejection too when they don’t.

First thing you have to do is to just forget about being invited.  Assume you won’t celebrate it with your guy so make your own plans.  If he asks you, that’ll be a bonus but if he doesn’t you are already prepared so you won’t be so disappointed and hurt.

Expectations are the mother of all sorrows.  So why are you still holding onto them?  Expectations scream your sense of inner lack so you make it an obligation for others to help you feel full.  The very thought that people owe you anything will trap you into a very deep heartache.

We associate anniversaries, birthdays, Holidays and Valentine’s, and the fact that guys remember them and do what’s necessary to celebrate them with us or to make us feel special on those days, with love.  It’s true when a guy does all that it speaks volume of his love but the opposite doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t either.  Those women who are full within are elated when their guy does all that yet they are not offended when he doesn’t either.  They just think that maybe he doesn’t feel or think the same way they do or they have different values/tradition/culture growing up about Holidays and anniversaries.

They are okay with whatever.  And because they are okay with whatever, they usually get everything they -or other women- want and more….  The light yet high frequency of energy they radiate is an invitation to love and affection.

With time you will know if a guy is truly into you and putting the effort to win you over.  If he doesn’t, there will be other guys who will match you better.   The key is to be that woman that any guy can’t afford to lose.

What you need to do is just to put him in the same category he puts you in and to assign him the same importance he assigns you.  No need to get all huffed and puffed.  When my EUM was back I treated him the way he treated me during the Holidays: I’d get to you when I get to you.  He got the message loud and clear, now he knows not to take a woman -who is full and wholesome and happens to be interested in him- for granted cause somebody else might snatch her away from him.

Still having those blues?  Don’t, this will cheer you up!

MORE: What Does A Man Really Think About A Lot Of Things You Deem So Important To You?

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.  You can also inspire your guy to step up more the way Gina does by signing up for both Journey Inward group coaching and the Leaning Back workshop.

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Image credit Deposit Photo!

 

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5 comments

  • Well, I have already invited him for Christmas Eve (I couched it as merely extending to him the same kindness he had shown me on Thanksgiving) and he said he would like to and would let me know, depending on family obligations. However, NYE (or anything else for that matter) will be completely up to him. I’m not going to waste any more energy wondering.

  • OMG, I so relate to this. Last year my EUM and I had just started dating prior to the holidays, so Thanksgiving he spent with his fam and I spent with friends (though we did see each other for a bit in the evening, which was great). I already had Christmas plans across the country, so that was a bust as well for us, but again, all good since we just started. NYE really hurt though – he went to his vacation home and didn’t even invite me, and seemed surprised that I was bothered by not being able to kiss him at midnight.

    Since then, we still see each other, but are not exclusive (however, he is the one I really want to be with). I was stunned when he invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him and some of his family, which I did and had a good time. Since then, though, he has been cool and distant again. I’m considering inviting him to have Christmas Eve dinner (assuming he will be spending the actual day with family) with me and my father (they STILL have not met – although I’ve met some of his friends and family, he doesn’t ever seem to have the time to meet any of mine), but I don’t really want to just get shot down again.

    And Lord only knows what’s going to happen this NYE…

    • Let him suggest plans to do for holidays. If he doesn’t, then it is what it is….treat him with the same priority he treats you.

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