How Does the No Contact Rule After a Breakup Work?

no contact rule after breakup

So your heart is broken, he broke up with you.  At this point you would give your right arm to get him back, bordering on the edge of desperation.  You have heard about this no contact rule after a breakup and are wondering if it works.  Will going no contact get your ex back?

The Main Purpose of the No Contact Rule

The main purpose of the no contact rule after a breakup is to get yourself under control.  I  mean seriously, you aren’t thinking rationally at all at this point and you are highly likely to say and do things that you will regret. You will be reactive as your actions are guided by your emotions.  Chances are good it could be your needy emotions that drove him away in the first place.

The no contact rule after a breakup is for you to gain some self control.  A woman who can control herself and her emotions is sexy and much more desirable than a woman bleeding her emotions and pain all over a man. The former will regain his respect, the later will make him feel responsible for your emotions. It puts him in the Daddy role of consoling you as opposed to the role of a lover and a leader, in his masculine energy.

Many women want to make their ex feel bad for the breakup.  They are trying to get him to feel their pain or experience the anguish they they themselves are feeling.  Making a man feel bad will not get him back after a breakup.  At most, he will feel pity and guilt.  You don’t want your ex to feel pity, as this does not portray you in a desirable light.

If he is feeling guilt, the emotion doesn’t feel good.  Remember men fall in love with the way you make them feel.  If you are feeling this urge to make him feel bad, the no contact rule after a breakup is best until you can control these urges.

When you are in contact with the source of your pain, the man that broke up with you, it’s a constant reminder.  It keeps those emotions close to the surface and makes it difficult to think clearly, let alone make wise decisions.  The purpose of no contact is to give you time to calm your emotions, to move the focus from him to you, to gain back your self control!

How Can We Work It Out if We Are In No Contact and Not Speaking?

does no contact rule work to get him backIf you were speaking what exactly is it that you would want to talk about?  How he hurt you?  Would you want to ask questions?  Gain Clarity?  Ask if there is someone else?  Ask is he going to date others?  Request that he let you know if he does? Do you want to talk about yours and his feelings? That is what usually happens in conversations after a breakup.

Talking about your feelings just makes him feel bad and feel guilt A man stays with a woman for the way the woman makes him feel.  Talking about feelings is going to put him on the defense and it’s not going to make him feel good.  If he is to come back to you at all, it’s going to be after you have processed and come to terms with your own emotions.  Then he will feel safe to open up to you, but this won’t happen when you are an emotional train wreck.  He can’t talk to you like that for fear you will erupt like a Volcano. He will be walking on eggshells.

I speak from experience.  My breakup a few years ago, I wanted to talk to him.  I wanted closure.  I wanted to talk about feelings.  I will never forget the text message he finally sent me when he had enough of my emotional bleeding.  He texted “Stop acting like a lovesick school girl”.  That woke me right up! (This is how these women get their exes back)

Do I respond to His Initiations?

It depends.  If he dumped you and you want him back, responding civilly and concisely is advisable.  But realize a lot of times his initiations won’t amount much to anything in the beginning.  The key is to be receptive and come from a passive place without all the expectations.  Treat it as a new beginning.

Refrain from wanting to talk about heavy subjects like your relationship and the reasons for the breakup and your defense of the situations.  If he brings it up, just listen and validate what he says.  Stop trying to defend yourself.

If you dumped him and you regret it, yes respond and let him do the rest.  The key is always to let him do the heavy lifting.

If you’re too upset to respond wait a while till you feel settled and then respond.  Always talk/respond when he initiates first AND you’re not in an explosive state of mind.

Does No Contact Rule Work to Get Him Back?

There are no guarantees that the no contact rule after a breakup works to get your ex back.  Every situation is different.  If you are using the no contact rule as the sole purpose of getting him back, as a strategy to get him back, you are missing the point.

Many times however, the benefit of going no contact is that he misses you and comes back.  He can’t miss you or find out what life is like without you if you are in constant contact.

No contact not only gives you the space and time to get your emotions under control, but it gives him the space and time to process the breakup without your interference or control. Men just don’t process these things like we do. Wanting to talk all the time feels to a man like you are trying to control the situation.  Control won’t get him back.

I have also been on the other end of this break up where I was the one breaking up and my ex did not want to go no contact.  He tried to talk to me almost every single day. I began to feel like he did not give a rat’s ass about what I wanted at all.  His conversation were all about what he wanted and how he knew we could work it out.  No thought at all about what I wanted.  Don’t do this to a man please.  It just pushes him further away and reassures him that breaking up was the right thing to do.

No Contact Rule After a Breakup Strategy to Get Your Ex Back

no contact ruleThe no contact rule after a break up is not a strategy to get your ex back, although that is often one of the benefits.  No contact is about getting you back, about learning to manage your own emotions, gain control over yourself, not control over the relationship or control over him.

Katarina has a very high success rate with women getting their ex back, but it’s not about control but about leaning back, accepting what is, letting go of control of the outcome and relaxing in your feminine energy.  This is what naturally causes men to gravitate to you and not just exes, but new men. You can get her book, He’s Really That Into You, He’s Just Not Ready. 

Katarina’s methods have resulted in over 136 engagements.  Not only does she teach you how to relate to men and become irresistible, but she can show you how to stop the anxiety and fear you have in your relationships.  Discover the Four Components of Melting His Heart.

MORE: How To Breakproof Your Relationship From The Get Go Or After You Get Him Back




  • I am feeling horrible this Christmas. Dealing with so much outrage breakup soon follows suit. I have struggled coping with my x’s baggage dealing with his involuntary anger and personality disorders. Cant hold it together much more after cops, lawyers, land lords, neighbors, family and the stress takes hold and staying in a feminine mind set is hard. He had another run in and got pulled over for the like the 5th time. no charges but it put me over the edge after we had a heart to heart. He knows I’m not happy but has finally got mental health in place. Work has been hit or miss with his criminal background and puts alot of stress on the relationship. There is love but its weight down by all these issues. I had to kick him out xmas eve after a blowout….feel horrible but i also am tired of his threats. Is there light at the end of this tunnel…or am I only fooling myself.

  • What about if your ex contacts you, mine has been in touch daily since the breakup he seems to be regretting it, saying he will sort himself out, that he loved our time together, that he’s sad and misses me. I have been responding but feel a bit confused. He is going thru a very stressful divorce.

    • Those are just words. His actions speak the truth. Men often do this to alleviate the guilt and make themselves feel better. If you want to know how he really feels, stop engaging with this talk so much.

  • Made the mistake of writing my ex an apology email after I calmed down for nine days after the break up (I was genuinely sorry for being reactive) and asked if we “could still be friends”. He responded five days later saying I didnt owe him an apology and that “of course we can still be friends”. That’s been nearly three weeks ago and I havent responded or contacted him. I dont feel compelled to contact him but I still worry that it’s over for good. Is there anything I should/can do besides ‘wait and see’? If he never initiates contact again should I do the same? I agree that no contact is the only way to go to get your emotions under control! Love the blog!

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