The Sex Is Off the Charts But How Do I Make Him Want Me More Than Just Sex?

sex before commitment


Women have asked me how do I make him want me more.  This especially happens after they have sex with a man. The thing is, it’s not really what you do to make a man want you more, it’s more in what you don’t do.  Women that try to push the relationship to the next level after sex as opposed to allowing things to unfold naturally, often end up pushing the man away.  


First I’d like announce my new article: Is He Emotionally Distant?  Here’s How To Get Him To Chase You

And here’s an email from Krista:

Hi Kat,
Thanks for all your informative posts and for allowing me to reach out and pose my question. As I am writing this, my head already knows what is going on and what this person is telling me, without having to say a word…but the heart wants, what the heart wants and they are not in agreement.

Ok, here is the background. I started communicating with this man from an online dating site, at the end of March. He reached out to me first. We exchanged a few emails and then we began talking on the phone.

After the first phone conversation, he continued to text me for a couple of hours…playful banter back and forth and it was clear that there was an attraction on both sides. He called the next day and left a message that he would love to come out my way and take me to lunch or dinner, that day. I had plans already and told him I would gladly take a rain check.

He then went out of town on a week-long business trip.  No real communication from him during that time… I think I reached out first with a short text and he responded that he has been super busy with meetings all day and into the evenings, but that I was on his mind and looked forward to meeting me when he got back.

So, he came out to meet me for lunch the next day he returned from his business trip. He made all the plans, chose a really nice restaurant and we really hit it off.

We talked for a couple of hrs after lunch and the chemistry was undeniable and the goodbye kiss was amazing. The next few days we continued to talk and text with one another…our conversations were easy and there was some sexual exchanges in regard to relationships and what we like and don’t like…that kind of thing.

I know some may say that is not good, but I believe in going with the flow and what feels right. I don’t have any sexual inhibitions and I am very open and easy to talk to about all things…sex included.

I was offered some last minute concert tickets for the following day, so I texted him and asked if he would want to go with me. He said he would love to and again he made arrangements for us to meet for dinner beforehand and then go to the concert. Again, we had an amazing time and things got much more heated.

The concert was in the middle of a work-week and he had to take off the next day to go to SF, where he is from, to meet the moving truck. He was there about 4 or 5 days and we didn’t communicate a whole lot…maybe once, but I knew he was busy moving and spending time with his 17 yr old daughter.  Then he got back to LA and still not much communication.  

This is where I started the mistake of reaching out to him, more than he was to me and then I made it worse by telling him so. I have never had to wonder before what a guy was thinking or feeling…they chased me and made it clear to me what they wanted, so this was new to me and I didn’t want to continue if there was no interest on his part…too soon for all that, I know, just being honest.

So he asked me for patience and said he just needed to get moved and settled and then he could focus on other things, so I gave him his space. At this point a few more weeks had passed with just a few texts sent back and forth. I continued to do my life and even see other people. Then he asked to see me again and said he was coming to me and he just wanted to order take out and have alone time with me…sex and at this point we talked about it so much, I was good with that.

Once again, we had an off the charts, kind of time together. I have had lots of great sex in my life, but this was incredible. We talked, laughed and went crazy for hours. He spent the night and the next morning, left early to work.

The day after that, he took off for another week-long business trip and then a week to see his mother in Colorado. So of course, I glorified the sexual experience and had an expectation that he would do the same and when he did not, I mistakenly took it personal, even though I know better.

I have seen him one other time, about a week and a half ago, but again mostly my doing. The relationship has clearly turned to a very sexual one and although I want more than that from him, I find it extremely hard to resist that, ‘cause the pull is so strong. I know the only way to change that dynamic, is through my inner action and behavior.

We have talked and he doesn’t feel I “get him” which then causes him to pull away, to the point where he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with me anymore. He talked about all the things he loved about me and agreed the sexual chemistry was extraordinary, but in the end, I didn’t allow him to chase me.  So I stopped reaching out to him and when he does reach out to me, it usually goes to something sexual. 

I am sorry this email has probably turned out way longer than it needed to be, but I didn’t know how else to give you an accurate background of events to paint a clear picture. I am sure I have left out much too…it is hard to capture in an email.

I really like this guy…he is smart, funny, educated, pays attention to detail and we have an amazing time every time we are together, but I don’t know if his poor communication skills are just cause I caused him to clam up, cause I didn’t allow him to be the man and pursue me more.

I wanted to know if it is worth trying to save, by doing things different on my part or if it can even be changed around at this point?  He called last night and the possibility of getting together this weekend was thrown out there…help…I am not sure how or if to move forward from here. Is it too late to change his view of how he sees me? I am not that girl, but for some reason, I was with him…ouch.

I am actually working on a project having to do with online dating and he had agreed to allow me to interview him, so that was one of the reasons we spoke last night and discussed getting together, but I know he desires to have sex with me. If I had met him and we decided that from the beginning that we both just wanted a sexual relationship, then I would be good with that. But we both said we wanted more…a genuine, meaningful relationship with one person, so as much as I would love to just keep f***ing him, I really do want more and I want him to want more with me.

PS:  This past weekend I was out of town at a jazz fest, which I know he loves and when he called last night and asked what I had been up to, I could tell that he made the assumption that I was there having fun with someone else…I just let him think whatever he wanted to think and continued on with how busy I had been in general terms.  So, I think I did well there, but being that we have only seen each other four times in the past 2 months, there is not enough time for any kind of love connection…lust for sure, but no love yet, so I feel that if I just totally removed myself from the equation now, there would not be enough substance and feeling to keep him thinking about me over time? Is this how to make him to want me more?

Oh dilemma…dilemma.  If I could collect a dollar for anytime a woman writes me about her undying desire for the man who seems so out-of-reach, my retirement fund would have a pretty good cushion by now.

Some really attractive, smart, confident, independent women once they meet a man that sweeps them off their feet, they become a ball of raw emotions.  They’re completely powerless and weak in the knees -and everywhere else- and unable to think clearly.  They freak out for no reason and unknowingly push him away.

Why is that?

I think it’s because they are not grounded in the reality of the moment.  They are attached to an idea, be it a desire for relationship with this man -or relationship period- or an idea of a future life filled with rainbows and unicorns not knowing if this man is really relationship material in the first place.

Yup, they are blinded by chemistry and sexual attraction.  And they don’t want to lose them so they hang on tighter to them.

I’m not saying sexual chemistry is bad or you should avoid it or that I myself never indulged in it.  No…not at all.  In fact when everything else is in alignment, great sex could only help.  There is no reason why not.  What many women don’t understand is, though, your focus on commitment takes away the lure of committing to you more often than not. This is not how to make him want you more.

Let me tell you something, when my boyfriend and I first met we kept coming back to each other thanks to the sexual chemistry we shared too.

So it’s quite normal and it doesn’t preclude the chance of it developing into something more.

I have done it (more than once, mind you) and so can you.

So what’s my secret, you might ask?

STOP PRESS: How To Inspire Your Man To Commit The Most Definite/Proven Way

I didn’t have the wondering in my head if this would lead to something more since at that time I wasn’t even totally done with my emotionally unavailable man (EUM).  And as per my advice not to invest in any guy solely until he stepped up, I was also still open to date other guys and was still meeting new guys.  So what was obviously missing was any sign of “vulnerability” or neediness on my part.

I leaned back by not initiating texting, calling or any form of contacts most of the time.  And since I didn’t get hooked right away MORE than he was, my state of mind was generally fully occupied with life and calm.

I was “hard to get” and as a man he needed to feel he was pursuing something worthwhile for his romantic feelings to ignite.   One day after about three weeks of hanging out a few times a week, he took me to the beach and told me he wanted to know me better.

Then was the time that I knew he was exploring us to be more than just “hang-out buddies.”  I let him lead the whole time.

My advice is just allow things to unfold naturally.  Spend a lot of great time together as long as he initiates, say 70-80% of the time to start with (after he claimed you, you can of course initiate more) and let the chips fall where they may.  Let go of this fear and “shoulds” in your head that holds you back from enjoying the moment with him and keeps you from being the happy easy-to-be-with woman.

If he sees you more than just a “sex object” which I’m sure you are he will want to get to know other aspects of you.  That’s what always happened with me.  At first it was all good sex but then they saw other sides of me and they grew to attach emotionally (the same thing happened with my EUM too, he liked me as a person so much more than the sex, the only thing was he just wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship).

They key is being grounded and self-confidence.  If you are a woman with self-esteem, he will admire and respect you for that.  That’s the beginning of love for a man.  But if you disrupt the chase with “the talk” and demands of “clarity where the relationship is going” more often than not he’ll be turned off and feel pressured into committing into something he’s not ready for (read here: Four Keys To Commitment For A Man).

But then again at the end of the day you can always walk away if this really doesn’t serve you or make you happy.  He will either stay or follow you.  However, most these women who come to me are really not at the point that they’re ready to walk away, not even close.  What they want is to change or control him.  They want what they want NOW.

Heed this: you can’t control a man.  The sooner you give up on entertaining that thought the easier it is for you.  You either stay and do what I tell you or walk away.  There is nothing in between that’s gonna make it quicker or easier for a relationship to happen.

MORE: How To Erase The Mistake You Have Made That Pushed Him Away

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.

My editor, Brenda, in fact just told me this: “Well Kat, I want you to know that I feel amazed at how Randy is coming back around these days!!! And I largely credit that to you! Your book helped me to finally understand WHY it’s important to let men initiate. Before I was just doing it cuz I knew it worked. Now I feel internally motivated to lean back. Thanks, I feel pretty darn excited! Totally positive vibes coming from him these days! He invited me out last Friday, and we had a beautiful time from beginning to end! He said some beautiful things that really blew me away. He still isn’t moving our “friendship” to the next level, but he is becoming far more attentive and warm!”

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Image credit Deposit Photo!


  • I never had “the talk” with him or asked for any kind of commitment…way too early for that. He just wasn’t communicating with me & I was feeling a disconnect because of that & feeling maybe he just wasn’t that interested, so the only talk I had with him was to tell him that I was feeling like I was doing most of the reaching out & was missing feeling connected to him, which caused him to pull back even more. I feel like we stopped getting to know one another & if I am not feeling connected on some level, I loose interest & move on.
    I think he has a misconception of me & if I pull way back & he is not reaching out, then how can I possibly show him otherwise & go back to just having fun & getting to know one another. I have never had to chase any guy before, & I feel if a man really wants to get to know you, he will make the time & find a way, so maybe he is just not that into me?

    • Krista, I get that. Number one you reached out more than him. Number two you complained about it. Those two were enough indication to him that you were ahead of him and he needed to pace the relationship down.

      That’s what has always happened and many women don’t realize it. Leaning back isn’t pulling back. Leaning back is giving him the lead to define the pace. And a man who is into a woman and is seeing that she’s not being pushy and controlling will always go back to her and overtime find himself irresistibly drawn to her. So let him lead and meanwhile focus on dating other guys and having a fabulous life separate from any guy.

      • Thanks Kat for your feedback. I definitely realize my mistakes by not allowing the man to lead in this case & I am allowing it to bother me way more than it should, because I have never done that before…ever…in 30 plus years of dating & relationships …so either I let the mind blowing sex take over my good senses and/or I really, really like him. Either way, I am taking your advice & leaning back & continuing to do my life & see other people & we shall see what happens. I will keep you posted. Thanks again.

  • Yeah I get you, Kat!

    Men just live in the moment and dont think in future mode. And we woman do, maybe thats why we want everything with this ”one guy” beause we are ahead of him, mentally, we are living in the future, seeing us married or he dying for love towards us, but he doesnt. Men dont think at all, there mind is just dead, thats why they can spend hours watching t.v., fishing, etc. And contrary to our minds that are always busy.

    She needs to be out there, date more guys and when she is out there dating she does not need a mind set that this or that guy are the only ones, because that is the main reason we stayed with guys that dont got anything to offer or no end relationships.

    Well said, Kat! Loooooooove your articles! 😉

    • Thank you, girl! Yeah guys are creatures of the moment. When they’re happy in the moment being with you, that’s commitment to them -at least in the beginning they’re like that. I just know for sure a woman who brings smiles to their face and never nags is not the one they want to lose.

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