Are You In One of Those Rebound Relationships After Divorce
If you are dating or involved with a recently separated or divorced man, chances are you are one of those rebound relationships after divorce, meaning his rebound relationship. If his wife cheated on him or numerous partners cheated on him, you may be in an even bigger roller coaster ride, if you choose to stay on board.
Below is an email from a client, Charlotte. She went through times when she was convinced she was one of those rebound relationships after divorce to totally believing she wasn’t and that what she had was special. It’s rather long, but please read on to see if you see yourself in her.
I came across your website a few weeks ago when I was going through a hard time and I have been hooked ever since. I think most of what you teach makes sense, actually I think I have always been somewhat leaning back naturally with men, letting them pursue me and things like that especially in the beginning of a relationship. I have purchased and read your ebook twice, and I am now thinking of signing up to one of your workshops.
I wonder if you can give me some advice on my situation.
Fast forward to last summer I met a guy in September through mutual friends and we clicked from day one – I was still saying I wasn’t looking for a relationship and he pursued me even more. The problem is he had just come out of a relationship of five years barely two weeks before him and I met. I was aware from day one that I could end up being one of those rebound relationships after divorce, but the way he came on strong and all made me feel its not.. he was actually the one telling me not to hurt him because he had been hurt enough in his previous relationships – His marriage he caught her cheating on him after one year then after about a year of ending his marriage he met his last ex, they lived together at his place and he has a son with her.
From what he and his friends said, they were never very compatible and she did not appreciate what he did for her. He had suspected that she was cheating on him with her boss and was arguing with her and one day after a heated argument she just left the house.
After about 5 weeks of us getting stuck on each other and getting close really quickly – he made me see the beauty of being in a relationship again. Then his ex told him she wanted him back and he was thinking about it for the sake of his son only (he said). He told me to get on with my life because he did not want to hurt me and drag me in with his problems.. at the same time telling me he didn’t want to lose me etc. He is truly a good, honest guy with a big heart and I never felt he lied to me.
When that happened I was devastated but told him to do what he felt he should do, as long as it made him happy because i know that’s what he deserves. I kept away but after two days he started to pursue me again saying he’s missing me and has now decided he wants to be with me, and we got back together. He made me not feel like one of those rebound relationships after divorce..
Anyway to try to cut the story short, the same thing happened a week after and twice more in the space of 3 weeks – him saying he’s confused and doesn’t want to hurt me but he needs to think for his son.. but then coming back after a few days because as he said he couldn’t stay away from me.. I know I maybe shouldn’t have taken him back so quickly,
We then had 4 weeks of blissful ‘relationship’ and it felt like he was getting over all that. But then it happened again all of a sudden one month ago he said he’s not feeling good, he always wanted a family, and that he has many problems and to better stay away – he had mentioned a few days earlier that he had started seeing a therapist to help him work out his issues.
At that point i was really angry and heartbroken and felt I had to move on even though I could not see how… anyway as usual after a few days of no contact he started texting again but I was holding back (I even asked him to stop texting me but he didn’t..), and at first I avoided seeing him but since we have mutual friends we ended up meeting at christmas and also NYE he came to my work place for the NYE event we had, and was really close to me all the time.
He has been texting consistently and showing me (through actions not words) that he wants to get back with me. I was adamant to play hard to get and was managing quite well, though deep down I knew I will end up getting back with him – anyway I felt scared this thing will keep on happening and I will go through the heartache all over again each time.
Then this weekend we meet again at our friends’ house and he asks if he can come to sleep at mine at the end of the night but I said no – i told him he needed more time to clear his head and see what he really wanted as i did not want to keep going back and forth with him. Never did this in my life (I have mostly been the one-up in my relationships most of the time) and I feel i have lost all my pride with him but I really never felt like this before with someone (only with my first beautiful relationship that lasted 7 years had i felt such a strong pull to someone).
Anyway last night I was out and we met and got hooked again on each other having fun and talking and I ended giving in and saying yes to his request to come to sleep at my house. It just didn’t happen, funnily enough because I did not hear his call when he was on his way to my house and he thought I must have slept and he just went home and when we spoke on the phone he asked me when we could meet up this week, to which I told him you have to see when you don’t have your son with you and let me know.
Now today no text whatsoever from him – I texted him myself in the afternoon (first time I initiated text myself after this whole month) asking if he was ok and he just said he was at work with sad face and he was hungover. And that was it. Totally mind-boggling how we almost got back together and the day after he does this. When he doesn’t text much it always leads to him saying he’s confused and better stop seeing each other, so I know he’s going to pull back again before we even started.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I cant stop thinking about him and how much I want to be with him. I was determined I would pace it slowly this time round to protect myself, and know I have to let him lead to so that he does not feel like he is rushing into another relationship with potential to get hurt again.
Is there any hope for this ever working? Do rebound relationships after divorce work? Am I a rebound relationship really? Being that he is hurt and probably has unresolved issues from his past relationships? Plus the fact he is obsessed with wanting his son to be with him all the time.. ? And his ex making it difficult for him? I always said I accepted the fact he had a kid who I knew would always come first – I have a very busy life and can handle seeing him only a few times a week rather than everyday like happened in the beginning.
His friends all advised me to move on a month ago when he broke up with me last, they said he was not in a right state of mind. Also his ex was still trying very hard to get back with him (I guess she misses the comfort she had with him paying for everything and doing everything) and he was sort of trying to reconcile things with her for a while.. until he saw her out one night with her boss a few days before Christmas.. he got very angry with her as he felt she kept betraying his trust while she was trying to get back with him.
I think we really have something but it’s the wrong timing so I should probably try to move on. But I feel he wont let me move on even if I wanted to.. I know I should start dating other guys but I just don’t feel like doing that, plus I know how much he has trust issues he would not bear to see me with another guy. This weekend he made it clear he has not tried going out with anyone else and not slept with anyone not even with his ex. And I feel he is saying the truth.
Sorry for the long rambling but I am again feeling desperate and needed to let this out, and need your take on this situation.
Thanks a lot and keep up the good work 🙂
He’s confused. He has told you both in words and actions. He’s a messed up man and in no way, shape or form he can start another relationship with anyone. He is on the rebound and worse, both of his exes cheated on him. The common denominator is him. This is more than being a rebound relationship for him.
This can mean one or both of these two things:
1. He’s unconsciously attracted to cheaters or women with the proclivity to cheat.
2. He’s so incapable to hold a relationship that causes a gap and disconnect which becomes a fertile ground for those women to cheat.
Now I put it that way it’s clear, right? He’s not relationship material…at least not now. And if you are critical you will notice that, as I mentioned on #2, he doesn’t seem to have the tact to carry a relationship either, does he, ending up with two cheating exes back to back.
Now, the real question is not him. It’s you. Why are you attracted to a guy like this? What is missing in you that you find him attractive? “Falling in love” with someone is the function of that person filling a hole in us. Find that hole and heal it.
Why are you adamant about wanting things from someone who through his words and actions have clearly told you that he can’t give you what you want? Are you conscious that you opt for a path of most resistance? If yes, why? If not, now you know and can confront yourself about the folly of resisting what is.
What is missing in your life right now?
Or what does his presence in your life remind you of what you are missing in your life?
I can help you figure this all out through my program Journey Inward .
Have you read my book yet? If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them. And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now. If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters. This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.
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