Friends With Benefits: How To Turn It Around From Casual To Committed

Senior Couple Having Fun In Swimming Pool

My client Mandy has finally tasted what I taste every day: the great feeling of being grounded and not seeing the world from a place of lack or fear that gets in the way of all her relationships and the conscious decision to get off the drama train and get on the peace train instead.  That’s how she turned her FWB relationship around.


Here’s the wisdom of my client Mandy who sums up so beautifully everything I teach that has given her the beautiful relationship she has always desired (remember her story how she got her guy to step up and claim her after almost 2 years here):

“My EUM now my boyfriend met my parents yesterday for a BBQ at my house. My man cooked for us showing off his awesome cooking skills! What a milestone of a year and half of being an EUM, and now he’s committed to me and his divorce is finalised in two weeks! I can honestly say if it wasn’t for Katarina Phang and her coaching and books I wouldn’t be where I am. Kat knows her stuff and teaches you about men!!

What I’ve learned from Katarina Phang:

And this can be applied in all areas of your life.  I wish I knew this stuff years and years ago!!

*The work starts and ends with you…- this means that if you’re not happy with you, your life your goals, friends, family etc, your outlook is negative, and your perception is out of whack, you will rely on others for happiness and to make you feel better.  Wrong.  No one else can make you happy except you and when you do the work of liking yourself and learning to boost your own confidence and self esteem you will never need anyone in your life. Of course we all desire to be around others and have relationships but you know deep down within yourself that you are at peace and happy with you that the whole world wouldn’t end if you were on your own.

*Drop expectations and assumptions – Never speculate or assume things . This negative outlook is not productive and isn’t of positive energy when you are thinking negatively what you focus on expands and you begin to live in your own head.  Never expect anything from anyone, be the best person you can be but never expect someone else to do anything. Be humble, courteous and do things for others because you want to, not because they owe you something in return.  Love without expectations and sit with that energy.  It’s a beautiful thing when you sit in pure non judging, fearless love.  The anxiety, fears and negative thought patterns will shift, and you will begin to vibrate at a higher frequency which means more positive things will begin to change and happen in your life.

*Never chase – Leaning back letting a man be a man and allowing them to flow the relationship, you will be surprised how much a man will give to you and for fill your desires when you change the way you approach things.  Leaning back is safe.  It protects and nurtures relationships as well as our power within the relationship.  If he isn’t taking it forward, move on, never settle for crumbs, you are high value and when you treat yourself as high value everyone else does.

*Learn to be quiet- you don’t have to entertain the drama train or be there for every argument.  Learn to take a breath, calm down and use feeling messages if applicable. Always think before you speak, a trick I use is a filtering technique: I check in with myself to see if my response is emotional or logical. When you run off emotions it repels men, when you’re calm and self assured, you learn to pick and choose your battles.

*Be comfortable with space – Give men space and time.  It’s crucial men have their alone time as well as not being questioned for it.  Don’t freak out or think he’s pulling away, it’s in your absence that men miss and adore you more. Giving men the reigns makes them feel in control but really both people are in control.  Men like to chase and they like to know they’re winning.”   

Mandy’s transformation is staggering to say the least.  I’ve been working so closely with her for a while and kinda “knew” what to expect from her: neurotic, an over-analyzer, a worrier, tend to be depressed, reactive, needy, mistrustful, impatient, pushy and all that jazz.

So when she wrote this in the support group just two days ago, I was dumbfounded.  She has literally transformed into a beautiful butterfly overnight (or it seems like that).  I was fooled by this oversight.

I’m amazed and impressed.  She has finally tasted what I taste every day: the great feeling of being grounded and not seeing the world from a place of lack or fear that gets in the way of her all relationships and the conscious decision to get off the drama train and get on the peace train instead.

Want to experience this enlightenment and liberation? Sign up for my Journey Inward group coaching in which you will learn all these with 19 other wonderful women (I decided to make more room thanks to the enthusiasm to help more women who are in serious need for transformation).

I’m excited to share all I know about a new way of BEING with you all, ladies. This is the place where you will magnetize all the great things in life: men (and “the One”), relationship, money and more happiness. This is a place of abundance in which you’ll never feel or operate on the basis of lack anymore. This is a place of heightened frequency from which you will only see possibilities, love and empowerment and attract more of the same. This is a place of feminine power without which the masculine power can’t exist nor rise. This is a place where all goddesses are sought after and worshipped. This is the place in which you can’t be harmed nor hurt.

This. Is. Life. Changing.

When you vibrate in a higher frequency you are a magnet to both men and women, romantically or otherwise. That’s the purpose of this group coaching.

And she started by reading my book too, like everyone else.  So if you haven’t already read it, I really recommend you to familiarize yourself with my philosophy.  The tools and principles in the book work for every dating situation -or even life situation- and with every man.

MORE:  Why Some Women Are So Irresistible He Wants More Than Just FWB!!

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).


  • I`ve been seeing my EUM for 7 months. He has a history of violent breakup 4 years ago, no girlfriend since. We work in the same building. We became intimate quickly, got together weekly, mostly at my house. He initiated contact ~50% of the time, gave me mixed signals talking about marriage etc. We were exclusive. I fell for him very fast and have been very patient and sweet (he told me so), no nagging, although I struggled with his casual attitude. I jokingly told him once that he`s EUM. I finally asked him about us 2 months ago. He said that he`s EUM and is not looking for a serious relationship but cares about me and would continue friendship and sex. I was devastated, cried for a week (not with him) and broke it off (in person which was very calm), but texted him in a few days that I wanted to see him. He came over and we ended up in bed. I saw him twice afterwards. No major changes in communication or attitude other than a pearl necklace that he brought me from his vacation. I told him that he`s putting up walls because he`s afraid that he`ll get hurt again, and he agreed. I realized that this was FWB for him and felt that I was losing my integrity and sanity. Then I was away and he suggested via text that he`d see me if his call was quiet (ie after midnight, that happened twice before) or in a few days as his friends were visiting. I told him that I don`t want to see him after midnight and not to bother and never answered his last text “?”. I sent him a closure email a week later in which I said that we clearly want different things, I can`t accept what he`s willing to give, my feelings were genuine and I`m disappointed that he didn`t reciprocate, wishing him all the best. It`s been over 2 weeks, he never responded. He must think I`m mad. I can`t believe I allowed this to happen, feeling heartbroken that I was played. I go back and forth from being angry at him to missing him, trying to move on saying that I deserve better and he isn`t right for me, wondering if he`s going to contact me or misses me. Part of me believes that he was beginning to trust me and I should`ve given him more time. I`ve been on dates since, working on myself and feeling better every day. Should I get in touch with him after 30-day no contact and try to be friends? Should I have stayed with him? Can I turn it around from casual to committed? I would appreciate any thoughts. Thank you.

    • Yes you can turn this around if you follow my method to a tee but you must be so high value and easy to lose so invest in my book to start with and commit to do the work to become a goddess a man can’t afford to lose. No more drama-filled kind of nonsense like sending emails and bringing up the talk.

  • I have been reading a lot of Kat’s work and I have to say it’s very insightful. Like everyone that finds themselves here. I have a problem kat. Ive been seeing this guy for about 2 months now. Before that we had known each afew years. He had always been into me. So dec last year we started hanging out n afew weeks later we slept together. He stayed the same n even said he loved me a week later. However one thing changed and that was that he started standing me up when we made plans. I usually retaliated with silence to which he was extremely apologetic. But over the course of time it just got worse. I hardly ever see him. Two weeks ago we went out to a party at his Friends house n he was so affectionate but after that he became cold the next day and even went silent for 1week. We used to talk everyday so this made me sad. I broke the silence n he was nice as usual but then after we hangout last weekend his been silent ever since. Two things I think I should mention here is 1, we had the talk once about the relationship n he was the one that initiated it. It went along the lines of. “I really care about you and I want to be with you, but I suck with relationships”. 2nd thing is when I asked him why he put it like that n what happened with his ex, he doesn’t give me an answer. P.s he still has a couple of her shoes and clothes at his house. To be honest. I badly need yo advice on this one. Ive thought about walking away but I fail each time.

    • My book will come handy to navigate this, Bri. He’s lukewarm so you need a rival or two for him. A man quickly feels the sense of urgency when you are coveted by other men (if he’s into you enough) but don’t do it for him. Do it because you want to find a great partner aka for YOU.

  • Meg…go to the products tab on the website. It’s the “He’s really that into you he’s just not ready” book …soooo good!

  • which book should i get though?

  • ok…i will. thanks for replying

  • hi Katarina,

    my EUM and i have been friends for a year now…but it didn’t start off that way…there was always an attraction but we never made it know to each other at first. and then we started hanging out. i got drunk one night and basically initiated sex…the next day he said that didn’t want to because it would change everything between us and it did, in that i started to catch feelings and get all clingy which pushed him away. we remained friends…i was unwilling at first and then i gave in to the friendship vowing to be just that. however, he started behaving like we were together, calling every day, fixing things on my car and i basically fell right back into it again. he actually started to open up more to me and within recent times his mom started being nice to me again. Until i did something stupid with no malice intended and replied to a text i found on a phone i lent him. when the person receiving the text called and asked what my relationship was to it friend, girlfriend etc i replied by saying i don’t know. which he found out almost immediately cause she called him. He was most upset by my answer or lack thereof. i know i should have said “friend” to be safe but i was caught off guard and froze. Anyway, he went on to make it clear to me that he has no woman and wants no woman. so my confusion is this why do we function like a couple and label it friends. So i googled the situation and was led to you. is it that he does love me but doesn’t want to commit. Cause in his world his woman is the one he commits to. i’ve gone a day without making contact and since he blew up at me and he’s already messaged me this morning just to say good morning. what do you make of this…

    • Let him be. He’s a FWB. Tame your expectations. But you can turn it around with feminine magnetism. Get my book as a start and do my programs. Many have done just so.

  • Hi Katrina,
    I love your blog! What makes a guy go from just viewing a girl as a FWB to wanting an actual relationship with her. How long is too long to wait around? I’m in this situation and I love spending time/having sex with this guy (I’d prefer a relationship but accept that’s not in the cards) and haven’t met anyone else I like even remotely as much. I’m just concerened that after a few months he will think “why is she still seeing me; can’t she get better” and start to view me as less high value. Are these concerns warranted?

    • How long? First, you aren’t waiting around. You’re enjoying the relating till it stops being enjoyable. That’s all. Meanwhile keep dating other guys.

  • My EUM cam back and asked if I was ” Cool just being fuck buddies”! I met my Eum about a year agon on a dating site where he said he was looking for one woman to date 1 on 1.He is single dad of 1 6yr old boy and i single mom of an 8 year old girl. I found we live 3 min from each other and our kids go to the same school.We first met at a cafe and there was a big sexual attraction. Having been out of the dating game for a long while_ i figured he was telling the truth on his profile and though i had a promising prospect when he said he wanted to see me again. I slept with him( great great sex)chased, I called, I suggested dates that never took place, sent naughty pictures etc. Then i fund out he was seeing someone else and she put the pics on her facebook, and there were all these strange women on his face book.I went ballistic and confronted him abut lying and not taking me out but being seen with these other women out and then he said I was causing drama and we stopped speaking for 6 months. I was so hurt and angry. It was hard to stay away and I had a few set backs but ultimately i did no contact and did date other guys. I hadnt seen him at school for a while and missed him and i had read some of your blog and vowed if he came back I would lean back and not chase him like before and not take everything he says so serious and go out with some other men so I called and told him was wanted to see him and he was receptive and then he asked about the fuck buddies thing. I personally hate that term- i call it being ” play mates” and I never had anyone ask me to do that. I wanted to ask him exactly what that meant but i didnt want to destroy my changes of seeing him again or get my feelings hurt so I just told him I was a Goddess and would not tolerate him treating me badly and that he had to take me out on real dates too because I was too cute/good to be locked in a bedroom.He said yes and then we scheduled a “playdate”- I dressed up like a dominatrix and made him get on his knees and kiss me up the legs and apologize which he did then I tied him up and had my way with him (playfully- not serious mean at all more like kitten with a whip!)and we had a fun time. He had to go to an appointment so we didn’t get to talk. but what should I do next_ i know I can’t call him too much, and stay busy working on my business I’m trying to start etc. Do I just wait for him to call? No texting or first move from me at all? what if he doesn’t or it’s just for sex all the time. Can I invite him and his little boy on a real playdate with my girl or to take a walk by the beach? I know alot of people would say I am disrespecting myself by agreeing to see him like this but – I do like having sex with him, he is my only sex partner that I want now and I am a bit ambivalent, unavailable too from fear- I just like him and happy he is back in any way and i think if I play it cool this time a real relationship might sneak up on us? Or am I just fooling myself.

    • You have to like sex as much if not more than him for this to work. Most women feel degraded just having sex with no relationship label. Personally, if I like a guy I would take whatever available that makes me happy (I like sex and his company, I’ll take it) without limiting my options…meaning I am still free to see other guys and I’ll keep building my rotation till one of them steps up and claims me.

      Heck, I got the cake and eat it, why not? And because my energy is agenda free, the guys usually fall for me anyway and now they want more….

      That’s how I do it. And it works like a charm.

      Please read my book and sign up for my programs.

  • What's the name of the book!! I read one of your books I lost it when I switched phones!!

  • Hi Katarina,

    I actually have been dating a guy for about a year and was coming across issues that has been very different from past relationship issues. I was definitely confused a lot with this guy. I came accross your book when I was looking up types of unemotionally available men. It was very weird, as I have never heard from so many people that this is a common issue for a lot of women. I was hesitant getting the book, as I felt like I wasn’t being myself if I was using advice from someone to fix a relationship that never had a “label” I still am hesitant, but reading your book has definitely given me hope and I have actually been pulling away more successfully. I guess I’m really writing to you because I’m trying to get some clarity and maybe see if this is even worth trying (pulling away to get him to commit)

    Nigel and I met on a more casual dating site and at the time I was just getting practice with dating. My past relationships were more out of convenience and not wanting to be alone. Becoming exclusive was more something the exes initiated, I just went along. I never thought about forming a relationship or thinking about a future with anyone, I was more go with the flow. When I started dating Nigel, it was more slow paced, he never labeled what we were and I constantly made the mistake of asking where we were at every couple of months. I also made myself available every weekend to see him and always initiated hanging out or texting. So naturally when it hit 8 months I had a long talk about where we were at, and after a long pause (which is the norm for him) he said he didn’t want to marry me. I was upset, but I wasn’t looking for a proposal, I was looking for a relationship to build, he never called me his girlfriend, never introduced me to friends or family and never came out to meet mine when I invited him. So I was constantly starting fights about his lack of effort. So I started trying to date people around October(9 mos in) and I realized I didn’t want to do that because I really just wanted Nigel. So we continued this limbo-like relationship. I told him it wasn’t fair because I wanted more and he didn’t, and that it felt more of a fwb situation. He always said he wasn’t seeing anyone and that I wasn’t a fwb, because he did like me, he just still couldn’t give me an answer about what he wants from me. So one weekend he was having a rough week, I went for a drink w him and found out that his last relationship was 5 yrs, he was engaged and 1 month before the wedding he found out she was cheating. So naturally I felt bad and wanted to be the one who fixes him.

    Since then I have been slowly trying to pull away and play the game, I have not realized how needy and available I was making myself! Right now I am still trying to lean back and do so the right way, it has been very hard, but now I think about my responses first.

    My question is right now though, how do I know if this is even worth trying? I has been a year ago that we started dating and although he has not changed his ways since day one, the days he seems genuine are great, but then he plays the disappearing act again.

    I really appreciate your work and the book was great, I just want to be more confident in myself and reading this book has started the journey.


    • Rosa, your pushiness is a turn off. When a guy is being cornered with the talk, 9 out of 10 he will say what your guy said. It’s nothing new. He needs to pursue you but you are taking the male role in this. So back off.

      Are you in my FB group? If not please add me. You will grow so much with hundreds of women who are in your situation.

      And please sign up for my current cycle of Journey Inward. It’s a get-ex-back edition since we have a lady who got her ex back share her story on how she transformed herself, and thus her relationship.

  • Melissa, what have you done?

  • Hi Katrina, if a guy says he’s down to being in a committed relationship, was initially so into you and says he thinks you’re great and attractive and would be open stop having casual sex with you anytime you’re ready. He says he doesn’t have a wife or girlfriend, so I’m not sure wh triggered the change of heart.

  • Hi Katrina! I feel so lucky to have stumbled upon your website. I have read so many of your articles and felt so empowered to change. I’ve realized that I have done a lot of the wrong things that drive the guy I was dating away. Although I’ve never initiated the talk, I could understand why he disappeared. It’s been almost 2 months and I haven’t heard from him, and I think he is pretty much done with me. I am totally lost in the dating world, and I truly feel like I do need a lot of guidance of what to do or not to do. I would like to see if you can please assist on how improve my relationship and have the kind of commitment that I deserve.
    Best regards,


    • hi Kellie, welcome! Keep reading. Subscribe to the blog and don’t forget to read my book. Please let me know if you have any question.

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