Do His Words Keep You Addicted To Unrequited Love?

Friends - one teenage girl comforts another

If you aren’t careful and paying attention to a man’s actions, his words may have you addicted to unrequited love.  I can’t tell you how many times women will justify a man’s actions with the sentence, “but we had such an great connection.”

Below is a story from one of my clients who found out after years that she was addicted to unrequited love and that the connection she felt all those years was mostly in her head.

Several years ago, I dated a man who I felt instantly smitten with. This is unusual for me because every other time in my life the men I’ve fallen for grew on me slowly.

But not this one.

He hit me like a ton of bricks and I just KNEW he was “the one.”  He pursued me hot and heavy and even though we had opposing schedules (I worked nights and weekends, he worked weekdays) he asked me for every free moment I had. We had this connection that was just too strong to deny, and when we were together, there was no doubt in my mind he felt it too.

Once he even joked in July that “if things kept going this well, I’d have a ring on my finger by Christmas.” We dreamed together about future vacations, the house we were going to build etc. I was all-in and no other man could compare to him.

By August that year, he started pulling away. I assumed that he had scared himself off by hinting at marriage, so although I hadn’t come as far as I am now, I still knew enough to give him space (other than a few anxious lean forward texts as the silences got longer and the communication dwindled more).

When he finally told me he wasn’t ready, I labeled him emotionally unavailable, as so many of us here do when our men pull away. Eventually, he did the complete fade, and I was devastated. It took me a YEAR to get over a 6 month relationship! I didn’t date or do ANYTHING except pray, wish, and hope he’d come back.  Of course, he didn’t then.

Fast forward 3 years later, I’ve moved on, in a great relationship, and he’s trying to come back (as most of them do).  He pops up temp checking regularly over that year, and says he’s in a different place now, and thinking he might be ready to settle down.  

Despite my contentment and happiness in my own relationship, I start wondering “what if?” a few times as my current bf has a lot of logistics to wade through before he will be ready for marriage, and at that time marriage was my ultimate goal and focus (I know now that was my first mistake).

I start second guessing myself. (though I never considered leaving my bf for him or anything like that) I think “well he WAS the only one I IMMEDIATELY felt a connection with, so what if he IS the one?” I fall back into old habits of insecurity and neediness even with my current bf and feel generally out of sorts-not my usual calm, feminine self.

This goes off and on for about a year, and he even shows up at my house a few times BEGGING for a second chance. He blows up my phone with messages of “how’s my favorite ex girlfriend and favorite future wife?” I turn him down while remaining warm and open, but inside I’m TERRIFIED that these are signs from the universe that I’m supposed to give this man a second chance and I’m wondering why I don’t feel more comfortable with the idea.

I’m actually trying to CONVINCE myself at this point to be open to what the universe is sending me, but I can’t bear the thought of not being with my current bf. But I keep thinking that I’m further evolved than I was 4 years ago, and HE is the one who popped back up. Maybe he IS the one and I’m missing out on my soul mate because I’m in love with another man right now.

In order to let go of the turmoil I’m feeling (I love my bf but this other man keeps telling me he’s the one, and the only reason he’s not actually asking me on DATES right now is that he’s being respectful of my current relationship, right?), I decide to focus on the day to day and let go of worrying about what the future holds.  I decide to have more fun and be less serious.  I decide to focus on continual growth as well as physical healing after a really bad car accident 4 months ago.

SOOOO, anyway, last week I got a new phone with a new carrier, but my old phone still has 2 weeks of service left on it.  So I decided to have some fun and text him.  (It’s OK to lean forward with a man you’re not interested in and we agreed to try to be friends even though he makes it clear he wants more)

So I texted him from my new number and just said a playful “hello”. He responds “who is this?” I said “your favorite ex girlfriend.”

His reply??? “more hints please.” WHAT???? I thought he MUST have known who it was and was kidding, so I playfully said “How many favorite ex girlfriends do you have?”  

He said “Only 2 girls I would consider “girlfriends” from South Carolina, (he saw the area code) but dated some casually.”  So I said “so then it shouldn’t be that difficult, which was your FAVORITE?” (remember he often referred to me as his favorite ex girlfriend and favorite future wife!).

He said “HMMMM, that’s a tough one. I really loved and connected with T deeply, but she had a bad temper and it just took a toll on our relationship. And Lara (me) was a great girl-beautiful, sexy, smart, sweet, and the chemistry was great, but we really didn’t spend enough time together to develop any kind of real connection or feelings of love.”

HUH??? Was I addicted to unrequited love all those years?

THIS, ladies, is why we don’t get ahead of men and why we don’t listen to words, but rather actions. It doesn’t MATTER how special WE think the connection is or how wonderful they treat us when we’re together. They can gaze into our eyes and make sweet, passionate love to us, but it doesn’t necessarily mean to them what it does to us.

Listening to and putting your hopes on a man’s word is dangerous for your heart and you run the risk of once again, being addicted to unrequited love.

It’s POINTLESS to endlessly analyze and try to get in their heads and figure out the “why” and label them emotionally unavailable.. They may even SAY they have feelings or ACT like they feel the connection too, but unless they are REALLY, IN REAL LIFE, actually physically putting the ring on our finger, it does NOT mean they feel ANY kind of connection for us.

They may even try to come back, but THAT does not even mean we were the special one or the one who got away and they regret it now and want it back.

I’ve been doing the inner work for about 6 years now, and I couldn’t have asked for a better experience than this to really, truly SHOW me how it all fits together. It really IS simple. Actions, actions, actions, that’s ALL that matters.”

If I could get a dollar for every woman who comes to me in tears and tells me how they miss the EUM who never step up cause they have such an amazing “connection,” I’d be living in a mansion in Beverly Hills right now.

They cling to an idea of a connection with a guy who could care less of such “connection.”  He was just being in the moment.  His connection to you is as good as the last investment he made in you and the (non) relationship.  If it was months ago, the connection has expired so don’t cling to one particular experience of the past. That’s how you get addicted to unrequited love.

See reality here now.  Is he in your life?  Is he investing in you?

Yes, unless he’s in your life and consistently investing in you, this connection thingy is all just speculation and -sorry- your wishful thinking. How many of you are so deeply in love with “the connection” you shared and can’t move on cause you hang on to that idea while if you ask him he doesn’t even remember what kind of connection you two had or what he had said in the past as Lara’s ex showed above?

Don’t do that to yourself.  Stop stop stop fantasizing for God’s sake. Stop investing into unrequited love.  Many of you are so in love with your freaking fantasy.  You hang onto what was instead of facing what is.  Unrequited love is love that is not returned.  If he isn’t returning love right here, right now, chances are it’s unrequited.

You don’t decide he’s the one then focus on him. That’s not how it works. Sadly many of you do just that. He has to decide you’re the one first, and then you explore the possibility you can be on the same page with him. That’s how all successful women in relationships do. We respond, instead of chasing a relationship with a guy we think we want. That way you are never over invested in any guy cause only his actions will get your emotional investment, not your wishful thinking!!

And beware also these men may chase hard knowing you have moved on cause it’s safe for them to do, so be very cautious.  Don’t let go a bird in the hand for two birds in the bush.

Don’t bank on a man’s words.  I’ve got clients who hang on to “I’m in love with you” declaration from a man who comes only every other week for sex.  My EUM never gave me all these fantastic words cause he knew “it would mess up with my head.”

He was a good man for that and I let go pretty easily when my boyfriend came along.

Trust his actions, not his words.  Ideally his words match his actions but when they vastly differ his actions show where his heart and intentions are.  Hence, there is no need to bring up the talk.  Katarina’s ladies don’t do that sort of thing.

Be a different woman, be high value and easy to lose and you will get the guy without a sweat.

And of course if you hesitate to read my book, please start there right now!  It’s going to be the best investment you’ll ever make as far as your love life is concerned.  You get to work closely with me and that is a privilege cause you won’t find this offer anywhere else and my time is getting more and more limited thanks to my success. 

So get it here:

He’s Really That Into You, He’s Just Not Ready

You will get 2 week email coaching from me or email coaching and 20 min Skype session with a very small investment!

MORE: This Will Alleviate Your Fear That He May Never Commit

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4 comments

  • Hey Katarina,

    I pretty much was following your method and didn’t have any expectations in the beginning. I met this really nice guy who told me he wanted to see where we goes because the vibes were right. Everything was fine but then life happened. I lost my footing in some areas in my life and I become anxious and kinda put it on him and then when I realize now, I was depressed and trying to hide it. I wanted to be strong and I didn’t wanna tell him. But I kept putting pressure on him only because he actually made me feel safe. He insist that we go slow. I have always seen myself as independent and it’s hard for me to ask for help but now since with the transition I’m going through (new job, less money, car problems, starting school again and depending on my parents more than I ever had) it is temporary but it was a lot to deal with at once. I would hate to think life is that unfair to us that I really connected with someone and I have less of a chance now. I told him finally that I was trying to hide my depression and he told me that he’s happy I finally told him and I shouldn’t feel like I couldn’t tell him that. I know it’s best to let him be, but should I continue a rotation or just take a break. I told myself not to initiate contact with him. And let him come to me.

    • Katarina Phang

      Rotation and treat your depression. My Journey Inward will condition you not to get depressed cause depression is mostly about unskillful ways of thinking and identifying with thoughts. My method will teach you everything you need to know to keep a man interested so why don’t you start investing in yourself? You’re worth it.

  • I can’t count how many times this has happened to me ! 😀 ever since I read your advice, Kat, the impact of men saying and promising a lot of things and then going nowhere to be found has much less impact on me than before. I’ve started to say “words are cheap, he’s not going to call and he’s irrelevant until I’m proven wrong” and indeed that’s what exactly happens.
    But Katarina, I’ve got a question: does this same attitude “I’m sure he’s not going to call” is what keeping them from actually calling and investing? You say things about trust, so if I change my attitude and start saying “I trust him, he’s going to call” does it make it happen? (energy speaking)

  • What a familiar story! I’ve got to lol at myself because I love how I want to be loved and I’ve awakened from my stupor!

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