Attachment vs Connection-Attachment Kills Connection

connection vs attachment

We have all met someone and felt an instant connection.  Like you had known one another for a lifetime.  Things just flow.  You may even feel you have known them in another life.

There are more stories in my life and the life of others than I can count where even though we feel a deep connection, it fizzles, he disappears, or things just don’t work out.

When this happens, women struggle to let go. Some months and years down the road are still holding onto that connection they once felt.

My dear, if you are struggling to let go, it isn’t connection.  It’s attachment.  It’s your attachment that likely smothered and snuffed out his once budding connection.

Connection comes from the heart.  Attachment comes from the mind. You attach through your thoughts, you connect through the heart.

Attachment Takes Us Out of the Present Moment

When you find yourself mostly thinking of the past or the future with your relationships, you are attached.

Like mentioned above, if you are struggling to let go, your thoughts are on the past and how good it once was.  The connection is gone, yet you are still hold yourself in chains of what once was in the past.

You are longing for what you once felt and feel its absence deeply.

If you are expecting something permanent and final in your life, such as an end goal of marriage, family, the perfect career, you are future focused.  The feeling that your life will not be complete until this certain something happens is living for something that isn’t here yet.

When getting married, finding the one soulmate has become a deep need for you, your focus goes to that end goal and the ability to build a real connection is often lost.

You overthink, over analyze and measure each man under your microscope of will he fit your future plan.

This is mind based attachment.  Attachment to what we think a relationship should look like.  How we think it should end.  Expectations of how you think things should be.  You are attached to a particular idea of what your life should be like and you seek out a partner and transfer that attachment to the idea onto him.

When we focus on a future outcome or experiences of the past, we are not living in the present moment. We are blocking authentic connection.

Connection is worth little in the past or future. The past is gone, the future isn’t here yet.

Connection is about now.

Attachment is Need Based

So many relationship advice out there is centered around getting your needs met by your partner.  While some needs are reasonable, with a deeply connected relationship, this seems to flow with little effort.

For example, you may have a need to see your boyfriend every day or that he call or text you consistently several times a day.  If he misses a good morning text, you feel a panic.  If a day or so goes by and you don’t see him, you feel pain and worry.

You may feel you need more time with him and find yourself communicating this need over and over, yet it’s never fulfilled.

If you have to communicate your needs to your partner, you may not be emotionally connected to him but more connected to your need/idea of a relationship. If you have a deep connection, your needs will already be met. Otherwise you really aren’t connected.  Why would you be in or stay in a relationship when your needs aren’t met.

Many think that they connect, then get to the needs things.  Connection deepens when your needs are already beginning to be met, not the other way around.

If you were truly connected, you wouldn’t experience fear.  You trust that connection when he isn’t present or in your reach at all times.. Alarm bells do not ring in your head if doesn’t call you or can’t see you. You still have a loving feeling towards your partner as opposed to be riddled with sudden doubt.

You go on with life as usual and anticipate the next moment you will connect again.

Attachment is Self Centered

This is a tough concept for many, but your unhealthy attachment is selfish.  These attachments come from a place of lack or trying to fill a void.

Attachment is an unhealthy emotional need for someone else to behave a certain way to make you happy.

Women who attach quickly and strongly often self identify as selfless and generous.  The woman with the big heart.

Many women give and and over function in a relationships thinking they are selfless when in reality, somewhere deep inside they are giving in hopes of getting. This is a covert form of control.

We seek acceptance, love and approval by doing in a relationship as oppose to just being.  We do do do to avoid rejection or avoid something we fear.  We do more seeking to have our deepest needs met by another.

So even though it appears that in our doing and giving, we are selfless, in unhealthy attachments it is the opposite. It’s all about what he can or can’t do that makes you happy.

Putting this expectation an another is selfish.

When you coming from a place of trying to get something (a relationship) there is little room for real connection.

The connection he once felt begins to turn into an obligation and he withdraws.

Then you feel anger and resentment because you gave so much.

Connection is Freedom

Relationships form and grow when a series of connections flow over time without expectations or future projections.

Relationships don’t create connection.  Connection creates relationships.

Not all connections turn into relationships.  The acceptance of this reality is freeing!

Connections happen when you remove the rules, expected agreements and specific commitments.

Think of one of your best friends.  You can go years without seeing one another, but the connection never lessens.

Enjoy each connection in the moment.

Last week I was out at happy hour and a very attractive man intentionally moved into my space.  There was flirting.  There was some serious heat.  There was a connection. It was fun. Happy hour ended, the connection is now past tense and I have no thoughts of if there is a future.

Our paths may or may not cross again.  I am unattached and free!

I have an elderly couple as customers where I work part time.  We connect every Sunday.  It’s amazing.  They ask for the sweet girl that works in back corner in the establishment. Every week I learn something about them and they learn something about me. A relationship is budding.

Opportunities for connections all around us if we can just let go and just be.

You can have intense connections when you are all alone.  Connection to something bigger than self.  Imagine sitting alone by the sea or gazing at the stars outside of the city lights.

The less attachments you have in life, the more connections will organically begin to flow into your life.

You become more open to experiences and not outcomes.

When you experience connections without attachments, you have found freedom and freedom is highly magnetizing to others.

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