Yes, You Can Make Him Chase And Want You More After Sex
Chelsea is one of the most successful clients I have. She’s displaying the seven traits of a high-value woman. Her boyfriend adores her to death. She embodies everything I teach about feminine mystique and he can’t get enough of her. She stopped over thinking and analyzing things like how many dates before sex or if she had to have a commitment before sex.
She wrote recently in the ladies group: “Aww my guy and I actually spent 4 hours on the phone yesterday night my time – basically as soon as he woke up back in London! Talked for eons and every time we had a break, he would tell me how much he misses me and how in love he is with me, and how badly he wants me back in London with him. I do too – it’s just not the same not being able to wake up next to him or cuddle etc! But at the same time, hearing him say all these things warmed my heart sooo much.
When I told him how moved I am that he includes me in his life (inviting me to his company parties, best friend’s group weekends away, wedding dates etc), he said, “Chelsea, what are you talking about! Of COURSE you are a PART of my life… I’m in love with you!” He keeps telling everyone about me – and keeps retelling some London friends over and over again how much he’s in love and how happy I make him, to the point where he thinks he’s making them vomit now. Haha! But seriously, he is the most amazing guy on earth… I absolutely adore him! He makes me swoon ten times over.
Yes, he’s been absolutely amazing and I’ve been really blessed to have him in my life. To be honest, we’ve never had any major issues – except perhaps that we were casually dating long distance a month in. But perhaps because of that, I naturally didn’t expect it to go anywhere or have any expectations, and just had fun with him (as I would any other guy in any other circumstances).
On our first trip together, I did have to learn to let go and have sex without expectations as well, which was my biggest lesson from Kat. I didn’t bring up The Talk with him, and he brought it up a month later after he had referred to me as his girlfriend to a cabbie while on the phone with me. Since then he’s continued to keep stepping up: flying here from South America to visit me here in Asia and meet my family, driving me up from LA to SF to see my brother, introducing me to colleagues and friends here in Asia, talking so openly to his family and friends back in London about me and showing them pictures of us, absolutely spoiling me with surprises everywhere we went etc etc.
So right from the beginning, I’ve been very much in my feminine energy and just warmly appreciated him for his every move, from phone calls to trips to flowers etc. And because he’s been this amazing, it makes it even easier for me to sit back even more and just enjoy the ride, and this has now turned into this self-perpetuating cycle.
Clearly we both enjoy this active masculine/passive feminine dynamics and it works for both him and me. In fact, every time one of his friends grumbles about a controlling (or in male terminology, “psycho”) girlfriend/wife, apparently the first thing that pops into his head is that “Chelsea is so not like that.” (in truth too, I genuinely am not – I have no time for that – if a guy misbehaves, I’d just rather move on and find someone else rather than wasting my time and energy lashing out at him – my time and presence is too valuable to be wasted like that! )
We started dating in London for a month before (a) I moved halfway across the world, coincidentally (b) the same time as he started a 4-month sabbatical traveling in South America. So by the time I moved to Asia, we had only gone on 5 dates, so I really didn’t expect it to continue for this long or developed to this level.
To be honest, the sex without commitment was my biggest stumbling block before I met Kat too. For years and years, I would date a guy for months, feel an emotional and physical connection and be “ready,” yet didn’t want to be “one of many.” At the same time, I knew that men didn’t like to have the exclusivity talk pushed on them so I would often be confronted with either having sex without exclusivity, or else continuing to wait for the guy to bring up exclusivity and never getting there and ultimately having things fizzle out.
I had just moved to Asia when I came across Kat. By the time my boyfriend and I met up in South America, we had only gone on those 5 dates back in London but had chatted long distance a fair bit. On our dates, our physical chemistry was off the charts, but with that being a couples trip, I knew I would have to decide on the physical issue. I asked Kat and her advice was that if it was ultimately up to me, but that if I was to do it, I would have to do it without any expectations (of him stepping up, calling or seeing each other again, exclusivity – anything at all) and that I was to just enjoy it for what it was.
So I went on the trip and seeing how amazingly well he planned everything, and how respectful he was the first day… made me decide to throw caution to the wind I actually didn’t expect him to call again after the trip anyways so I just enjoyed being with him and focused on my own sensual enjoyment of the romantic beach resort, the diving, his company etc etc. I just thought of it as one finite holiday and nothing else, and decided the sex issue on that basis. No talk, but also no strings attached either – nothing else other than my own sensual pleasure and fun being with him.
Anyways we both agreed that that trip just swept us both away… and a few weeks after that trip, he started calling me his girlfriend… and when I caught him doing it on the phone, that’s when I teased him about it so the less you expect from a man (or any adult), the more you end up getting.”
If you have been following me for a while you will know that I am a big advocate on letting relationship unfold organically and naturally without strategizing. What makes a difference is in the women’s stance and emotional mastery, not about what you often read out there: putting out vs. holding out, how many dates before sex, etc. (read here about the healthy approach to sex that is attractive to men: it’s not what you’ve been told all your life).
To me -and as exemplified by the sharing above- sex is not an issue, unless it’s really bad and unless you act all needy, clingy and antsy after sex. If you continue to stay in your feminine and he really likes you (and he can’t NOT like you if you are feminine) he will always come back. And if you allow him he will row the boat till you two get to the shore.
The problem many often cite about how damaging sex before commitment lies on your obsessive behaviors after sex. You expect that he will right away act like he is in a full-blown relationship with you, thus when he doesn’t you become pushy and sour.
That’s what pushes him away. Not sex. Never sex (unless of course he’s a guy with low self-esteem that he feels threatened by your sexuality but you don’t want to be with a guy like that anyway).
Have sex when you feel comfortable to share intimacy with him and you trust yourself enough that you’ll be alright no matter what. And you should be alright no matter what. Stop fretting over how many dates before sex.
Be a drama-free living-in-the-moment kinda girl and that’s all the secret I ever teach all my clients. And that’s what truly works in the long run. Unfortunately it’s so very hard to do if you are ridden with anxiety and insecurities. Especially hard is when you operate from your masculine and don’t feel comfortable letting a guy lead. So if you always push men away after sex, it’s time for you to confront those issues.
UPDATE: Chelsea just got engaged on 11/8/2014!! Congratulations, I’m so elated.
UPDATE II: She got married on a lovely April day 2015 in a beautiful wedding.
Wanna hear Chelsea’s story in our Goddess Interview of the Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship monthly membership? You can purchase it here. She’s the very first Goddess I interview and sign up for the Feminine Goddess Elightened Relationship monthly membership to hear other Goddesses’ stories like her. And you can also get other (past) interviews with other goddesses here.
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