Why men pull away has been the biggest source of anxiety for women. Often women in their anxiety assume that a guy is pulling away when what he’s doing is just living his life. This is a normal rubber band effect that most guys go through. He has his priorities in order, and relationship isn’t on the list at the moment. Accept it and work with “what is” instead of resisting it and trying so hard to change it that you make a guy who treats you as an option your priority.
Here’s post from Carrie who wants to know why men pull away, or why her man is pulling away.
My man is pulling back – it will be 2 weeks this Monday. I’ve been very good and haven’t called/texted/anything since our last conversation. Is it ever ok to send a text to just say, “Thinking about you”? I was thinking of sending it this coming Monday. A couple of friends have said its ok but definitely don’t expect a response. What do you say?
We met 8 April on a flight….first date 2 May….we live 2 hours apart and he is in the financial negotiations phase of his divorce. He has two sons who are staying with him for the summer (one in college the other starting senior year in HS). He is an executive and this summer he has many personal projects to focus on (he purchased several rental properties that he is fixing up and many other investments). The man stays busy – cycling, racing cars, etc.
We saw each other each week during the month of May, saw each other once during June and then again on 13 July. When he pulled away the first time after seeing each other on June 22. I waited until 3 July and then reached out texting, “is everything ok with you? just seems strange to not have heard from you at all. Hope you are alright, as your friend, I’m concerned.”
He replied with a list of activities keeping him busy. I didn’t reply. He then texted the next day wishing me a happy 4th. I replied the same. I reached out on 10 July and asked how he was doing….he replied back and then called. We talked for an hour and towards the end of the call he asked if I was available 13 July.
We then agreed to meet up half way for brunch/lunch and go from there. We never lack for things to talk about and we are intimate (about the exclusivity – we have both asked each other in May and July whether we are seeing anyone else as well as asked if we are sleeping with anyone else….all answers have been no. He has stated that he is only interested in getting to know me better. As for me, I’m talking with other guys but that is all I’m doing, talking).
Anyway, our day ended with him sharing his love of sprint car dirt track racing. I’m also into race cars and driving so this was definitely a mutually beneficial experience. After a couple of hours he then drove me back to my car, (I had plans on Sunday and needed to head back home) he kissed me several times and then said “have a good week” (I found that odd but, ok). He texted me later to make sure I got home, and then I called him Monday morning before work. We talked for another hour. He also ended that call with “Have a nice week.” That’s been it.
I realize I shouldn’t necessarily be involved with a separated man. This is not what I anticipated. Some of the history….we met on a flight on 8 April – he doesn’t wear a ring. We talked the entire 3 hour flight. At the end of the flight, I gave him my business card and told him if he was ever in my area to let me know, It would be nice to meet up for drinks or dinner.
We deplaned and he turned around and gave me his business card. A week later, I emailed him and thanked him for the conversation and made a joke about something that happened at the beginning of the flight. He replied to the message and then called me a week later to ask me out. We then texted/talked on the phone randomly until 2 May.
After a 2 hour dinner and 2.5 hours of driving around site seeing and talking, I went against my usual practice and we went back to my place (it was about midnight at this point). We then proceeded to talk another hour (he had already kissed me by this point – 2 hours prior to this) and I finally asked him what his story was….he then told me how he was in the middle of the financial negotiation phase (gave me more detail on what happened in the marriage) and I know this next part is key, stated he is looking for a friend and if something more comes of it, great, but if not, then at least we are friends.
We talked more, another hour and then proceeded to make out. It turned intimate and we then learned over the next 2 months just how compatible we were in the intimacy department. Just so you know, he is 51 and I am 42. Not that it matters to me but not sure if you would need to know that or not.
My gut tells me that his pulling back is more around how busy he is and making sure he is available for his sons while they are home for the summer. The other part of me thinks that he realizes he is not in a place to be completely available to me because he is not divorced. He told me back at the end of May and early June that the summer would be very busy and that there was no rush with us.
He even said, he was pacing the relationship. He has told me “I cherish your lack of drama” and he even reiterated on 13 July that he really liked how drama free I was. I also believe that he can’t afford to mess things up with his divorce and if anyone were to find out about another woman that would completely change the outcome of his divorce.
This is a very financially astute man and very successful – he is not happy about what he is giving to the future ex-wife because he feels completely taken advantage of – 20 year marriage. I should mention that I am in no way in need of his financial support. I am successful in my own right. He has iterated a few times how he likes a professionally secure woman.
One last thing, he has said on multiple occasions (June, July) “9 more weeks and summer is over and the boys will be gone”…..”6 more weeks and summer will be over and my schedule frees up”….he has reminded me of this which is why I think he has pulled away each time. In a way, forcing me to be patient while he deals with life.
In a way, I feel like I already know the answer to my initial question but feel better getting your opinion.
There is so much more I could go on about but it would require a lot of typing. Let me know if you want more detail or not. I’m willing to write this out if need be.”
My answer to Carrie on why men pull away!
Carrie, as I always say: enjoy him. Relate without attachment. It is what it is. He’s defining the pace and at this time casual dating is what he can give you for reasons he -and you- mentioned. He’s not in a good place to start a new relationship…with ANYONE!
And I don’t actually see him pulling away. He seems to be always on his normal pace which is perhaps seeing you once a month and sporadic communication in between, even though it was more in the beginning. It looks more like that he’s busy with his own life and he has his priorities in order…and relationship isn’t on the list at the moment. Often it’s not about why men pull away, but more about the fact that they weren’t exactly all in to start with.
Right now he can only afford seeing and giving you the attention this much. Accept it…and keep dating other guys. Just because you like him and he likes you too, it doesn’t mean that you should take it personally that he doesn’t want anything hot and heavy at this point.
Besides, I advise not to get seriously involved with a guy who is not even divorced yet. He needs a lot of time to heal, especially after 20 year of marriage. He needs his transitional relationships before he can be ready to jump in with both feet again. You can both use each other for healing though.
I had this kind of arrangement myself before I met my boyfriend. We would hang out exactly like you two, every month or so and with minimal communication in between. Incidentally he was separated too when we first met and the divorce was finalized like a year later. His relationship was painful to him. He was nowhere ready to get emotionally involved with anyone.
I took whatever available as long as it made me happy. As far as I was concerned he was perfect to be in my rotation together with a few other guys. I practiced all I preach to you all the time with him and the others.
Let him lead. This is a perfect venue to practice leaning back and seductive feminine traits when he asks you out again and if you keep it drama free he will.
And he’s obviously not ready to give you the exclusivity and he can’t so please don’t be exclusive with him. A guy who means it about being exclusive will show it with his actions. He doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what he says.
You’ll meet a few other guys you’ll equally like too if you stop over-investing with obsessive thoughts and wishful thinking. He and those other guys will help you raise your vibration from lack and insecure to joy and abundance.
And then…someone who deserves you will snatch you and give you the commitment and relationship you have always wanted the way my boyfriend did me. All are on the virtue of having no anxiety.
Now should you text him? Sure why not? Since you’re not an obsessive compulsive texter and you don’t expect anything, just shoot one text say what you want to say though personally I would let him initiate and just get busy with life.
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