Why Men Pull Away And How To Keep Him Interested

why men pull away

There are many reasons why men pull away.  When you come to a better understanding of men as opposed to reacting out of fear and lack of knowledge, you begin to understand why men pull away and can avoid the behavior that will cause a man to pull away for good.

 

“Hi Katarina,

Thank you again for emailing the book to me; I’m not sure what happened or why I could no longer access it.  I do enjoy reading it and have done so several times.  What you say is true and I do believe in your method, although maybe too late for the one I am or have been pining for lol…which I’m sure you would say, Read it again dummy you don’t get it!  when reading that.

My story is that I met what I thought was an amazing guy and actually thought he could be the one…scary thoughts for me but I just bought everything that he was saying and believed him right away.  We were intimate pretty early on and things were moving fast but I really thought, Ok this is how it goes!  When you meet someone and you know, this is how it is.  

Turns out that was not the case.  After the first few weeks he decided that we should slow things down and get to know one another better…I did not argue and the sex stopped.  I could feel him pulling away.  Then he disappeared for a few weeks and when he did come back around a little bit he said he had needed a break from dating and the online dating.  This was in July, so a couple of months ago.

After that we did start hanging out again fairly often, but always during the day on the weekend and outside…he’s a busy guy and has started to really take care of himself, lose weight, eat right, go to bed early, and abstain from sex…all of which I appreciate except the abstaining part.  I have no problem not having sex with someone…it’s been months now anyway so why would I waste that with another person?  But the fact that we already have and he wants to but doesn’t is concerning.  It makes me feel very undesirable.  I even wondered if he was married, had a STD, or was gay even, which I know he is not.  He told me that he had not dated anyone else since he and I were intimate (for the last time in early May), which I find hard to believe because of the things that he says do not match his actions.  

He’s now pulled away even further.  I’ve tried and I’ve pushed and put masculine energy out there for way too long, and I know it, and I’ve finally just backed off and for once have not initiated contact with him in over a week.  I’m dating people and trying to see a better side of dating.  I’ve always known that this emotionally unavailable man would contact me over the last few months…and this time I don’t and that is what I’m coming to terms with.

Looking at the 4-5 months of knowing him, which isn’t a long time, I really enjoyed his company and him and everything about him when we were together…and wanted things to work with him so badly.  He said that he really cares about me and really likes me…that was 4 weeks ago with very little action after that and I haven’t seen him in person since.  At this point I’m just continuing to move forward and enjoying myself, working out and getting in even better shape, keeping up my appearance and enjoying the family and friends in my life.  I’m not a desperate girl, but with him I know I acted desperate.  I would do nearly anything to keep him or “win” him and he knows/knew it. 

For a long time I now know that I was really emotionally unavailable and this year, beginning in February I would say, was the first time in years that I have truly wanted a relationship again.  So naturally because I’m ready, everyone else should be too.  😉  I know that is not the case, but I am like a lot of your other students intelligent, kind, funny, sweet, and I think I’m good looking…and also used to getting what I want but working/pushing for it.  That has been a little challenging to lean back and let anyone take the lead, but that is ultimately what I want and I know that.  I need a man to step up and take charge, and I have gone on some great dates and met great guys.  

Thank you again for being such a positive role model and for practicing what you preach.  I enjoy your Facebook page and I read your book often.  I’m happy that your life seems to be going so well and thank you for asking.

Best,

Erica”

Guys are confusing, aren’t they?  If he likes you why is he pulling away? 

It’s a question of needing space. In general men need more space than women because the nature of testosterone is separation, independence and autonomy while bonding is something women are naturally good at. However, whoever needs more space in relationship will appear like pulling away from time to time to establish his/her independence and boundaries and pace the relationship.

When Men Pull Away, Don’t Panic:

why men pull away1. As part of intimacy cycle most guys will need to “regroup” after a period of intimacy (say after your weekend getaway). This is also called the rubber band effect. When a rubber band is stretched, and if the other end stays put, at some point the end that is being stretched will have to bounce back to its original position. So in other words, when your guy is pulling away, as long as you don’t chase and try to cling on to him, he will bounce back to you re-energized. Many women though, out of fear and ignorance, do the very thing that disturbs the bouncing-back process. Now instead of bouncing back, these men are running away from them.

2. In actuality he may just be genuinely busy living his life but since you are so hooked on his charm already, you just can’t stop thinking about him and wanting to reach out to him. The more you are focused on him, the longer time seems to fly without being in touch with him, the more longing and anxious you feel. He perhaps doesn’t think anything has changed with him at all.

3. Like I mentioned above, sometimes he feels that he needs to slow down the pace of the courtship because he may feel that you two are going too fast or you get attached too soon. Trust his leadership and don’t question him on this. The more you want to talk about it, the more he wants to pull away. Just expect it, understand it and accept it and go about make your own life beautiful while he’s in his cave. It’s a great time for you to cultivate the masculine energy of independence, self-sufficiency and accomplishing things when you are not with him. And when he’s out of his cave, voila….he’ll see this radiant beautiful goddess so full of positive energy and joy. There is nothing that attracts a man like a happy woman with a big smile on her face! (learn the seven traits of a high-value woman).

4. You have perhaps made the common mistake of getting too needy too soon. If that’s the case, don’t despair. This thing is fixable as long as you are aware of your tendency to cling. Check this out if you want to know further how to erase common mistakes women make with men. If you feel that you have hounded him a bit too much as of late, just back off. Let him come to you again when he feels the rubber band has been fully stretched and the likelihood is he will if you have made a pretty deep connection with him.

Five ways to assure you won’t be asking why men pull away!

why men pull awayThere are a few conditions that have to be met before a guy can fall in love with you.

1. He needs you to powerfully trigger his masculinity FIRST. If he doesn’t feel like a man being with you; i.e. he doesn’t feel good about himself being with you, he can’t fall in love.

Polarity is a big part of attraction. The more feminine you are, the more likely you attract masculine guys. Being a feminine woman and a high-value woman isn’t only about how you look. It is easy to dress feminine and sexy. It’s mostly about the energy you carry and radiate. Feminine energy is laid back, contented, light, joyful, inviting, accepting, non-critical/judgmental and open. It’s soft, comforting and alluring. It is also somewhat passive because you will be in the receptive instead of goal-seeking mode.

A man who sees a vision of himself in his mind when he’s with you can’t help but falling for you. He will feel that you are the sort of woman who gets him and will have his back no matter what. He knows that when he comes home to you he will find a sanctuary that is safe and comforting away from the competitive dog-eat-dog world he lives in. Men just don’t pull away from women who can make them feel this.

He wants to come home to his woman, not a competitor or a boss who challenges and questions his every single move. He doesn’t feel accepted like a man when you do all that.  If he is pulling away, ask yourself, do you accept him or try to change him into what you think he should be.  Here’s How To Get Him Intrigued And Addicted To You by Triggering His Erogenous Zone In His Brain

2. You need to lower his guard for him to fall in love. If you always initiate contacts, lean forward or act clingy, he will not feel safe (do you know what your texting habits tell him?). Love is like mushroom, it grows in the dark when it’s actually left alone and unattended so in other words he falls in love when he’s not with you, when his mind keeps going back at the memories of you and makes him yearn for you so he has to come and get you.

If you never create a space for that urge to manifest in him, you are hampering the process of him falling for you. Timeline, deadline, pressure and ultimatums won’t do it. Falling in love is psychological and emotional process. If a guy is feeling chemistry and attraction for you and he’s not restricted by timing and unfavorable life circumstances that makes him or you emotionally unavailable, and if you play your cards right, falling in love is a matter of “when,” not “if.

I think one of the biggest reasons why men pull away is because women simply don’t give them the space to fall in love.  They want to be in control. They unknowingly push him away by trying to pull him closer.

The Things About Him He Wishes You Knew But Would Never Tell You

3. Be the sex goddess who rocks his world in the bedroom. Yes, really. Sex is important in relationship. It’s not only physical but it mostly is emotional. Especially for a man, sex is an outlet in which he feels most accepted and loved as a man. A guy won’t commit to a woman unless he feels the sexual attraction and connection is sustainable in the long run.

Remember, when a guy first hears the word “commitment” it’s not a vision of happily-ever-after of two fairy-tale characters complete with rainbows and unicorn that comes through his mind but more like “Crap, I will have to have sex with her and ONLY her for the rest of my life!”

It’s just the way a guy is wired, he can’t help it.

So if you think you can withhold sex without jeopardizing his love for you, you are so wrong. And that also means be interested, passionate and inspiring in the sack. Learn the skills of a great lover. Most men love oral sex. Learn how to do it. Make him all putty in your hands.

Just like women, men also bond through sex. If he already likes you so much, regular love-making with you will only strengthen his feelings for you.

Here’s How To Make Him More Romantic Using Text Messages

4. Surprise him! Don’t be a predictable bore. If you are a quiet and shy person most of the time, be chatty and a bit wild every now and then and see how charmed he is by your occasional quirkiness. And vice versa. Be multi-faceted without appearing too erratic, if you know what I mean.

I once surprised the guy I was seeing with 40 push-ups in front of him and his friend when he jokingly threw the challenge. I was usually the quiet type among his friends that he often jokingly shushed me “please keep the noise down, Kat, the boys are trying to talk here.” You can imagine the kind of roar I was creating that night.

When we surprise him with the other sides of ours, he will be frozen in the high feeling of being fascinated and he will always remember those fond memories. Have you ever heard someone vividly recalling the exact time he falls for his significant other over some really trivial things such as how the way she mispronounced a certain word made him fall deeply in love with her?

Falling in love is about capturing little moments like that. The more you make such memories, the more you create an impression in his mind about you that he will always revisit with fondness and a warm-hearted smile.

A woman who is secure and stable but who is also capable of captivating his man’s mind and interest in such a way is the one woman ANY man will want to love and commit to forever. While her outer beauty might not last, her inner beauty lasts forever.

when men pull away5. Be a happy person. I can’t stress this enough how happiness brings about more happiness. Grouchy people tend to attract grouches as well. The guys I have been dating always have always marveled at how happy I am as a person. A happy person doesn’t need anybody to do anything to make him/her happy. It’s so much easier to be in relationship with a happy person and the positive energy they bring into the relationship creates so many good memories and more intense bonding.

So when a guy tells you adoringly “You’re so happy,” it might very well be that he’s falling for you. The best piece of jewelry a woman can wear for a guy is her smile and laughter. Guys are MAGNETICALLY attracted to happy women period.  Your happiness is honey to them.

Another major reason why men pull away is when they feel responsible for your happiness.  Take responsibility for your own happiness please.

Is He Emotionally Unavailable Or Is He Just Not That Into You?

One reason why men pull away is because women nag!

How Women Turn Prince Charming Into A Frog

why men pull awayI told my boyfriend he was the best boyfriend I had ever had and a woman would ever have! Our relationship has its own challenges (I share it in my private group so my clients and readers can learn from them) but I meant what I said. I’ve never had a man so devoted and so doting as he is!

He didn’t believe me because in the past he had been called “the crummiest boyfriend” ever. Now he might have changed a lot since his last relationship (age and experience might have something to do with it) but I also believe there are some women who just turn “Prince Charming into a frog” or are “frog farmers,” as Alison Armstrong, an expert on men, put it. If you want the best boyfriend, be the best woman a guy could ever have! It takes one to know one.

Making a man fall for you is only half the battle. The other half that many women find challenging is how to keep him attracted to them and interested in the relationship. A man often starts strong and very doting and the next thing you know he stops doing all the things we loved in the beginning of the relationship.  This feels like he is pulling away from you and perhaps he is.

The reason he lost the motivation is he doesn’t feel appreciated or polarized enough (he doesn’t feel like a man being with you who is supposedly his woman).

My boyfriend told me the difference that he realizes so striking about our relationship and his previous ones is that we don’t criticize each other. And it’s only possible because I don’t believe in criticism. I don’t criticize him the way his exes did. Criticism always leads to resentment, loss of connection and the deterioration of the relationship. Can “Friends With Benefits” Turn Into A Relationship?

One more reason why men pull away is also because they can feel that you are more invested into them.  When he pulls away, he is trying to pace the relationship.  He is trying to slow you down.  This is when you better lean back, way back.  If you don’t, you just confirm to him that you are invested, probably more than he is comfortable with.

Four Ways To Keep Him Interested so He Won’t Pull Away

So in a nutshell how does a woman keep her Prince Charming a Prince Charming, and not turn him into a frog?

why is he pulling away1. She removes all expectations. The fewer expectations how things should be or how he should act, think, etc…the less likely she becomes disillusioned and upset when her expectation isn’t met. Guys are scared of upset women. At first they might want to do something to appease you. But do it one time too many he’s shutting down emotionally.

Do you know the kind of thoughts that is the first step toward the deterioration of love and connection that women habitually engage in in their relationship that turn their Prince Charming into a frog? It’s “If I were you/him I would…

How often does that cross your mind and how does that affect your behavior toward him? Does it make you a gracious easy-to-please partner? Does that thought make you happy? Does he respond well to that? I did a lot of that in my marriage and we’re no longer together. So keep doing that if you don’t want to stay married or in relationship with your man. That is how expectations and assumptions slowly eat away at the foundation of your relationship.

2. Related to the point above, she picks her battles. She doesn’t complain and point out his mistake each time things don’t go her way. Some things are indeed important to mention and discuss but there are also things not worth mentioning and only add so much pressure and tension to the relationship. Ladies, not everything needs to be spelled out. And often the best thing is to talk about those things aka VENT with your girlfriend, not with him.

3. She focuses on the good things about him and the relationship, instead the bad. And she re-enforces those good things with her generous compliments and gratitude.

What you focus on EXPANDS.

A man doesn’t mind doing most of the work provided that we recognize it and be grateful for it. The more we express our gratitude and compliments/admiration, the easier it is for him to do more for us. Those who complain ONLY because they don’t feel appreciated enough. An appreciated man will do EVERYTHING for the woman he loves. Again, we just need to know how to keep our Prince Charming feeling like a man and not to turn him into a frog.

4. She doesn’t criticize. She builds him up instead of bringing him down. I hammer this again, nobody likes to feel criticized, especially not by our significant other. It might work in sports, career and at the work place, but it NEVER works in relationship. A wise woman doesn’t criticize but she expresses her feelings whatever they are without making him responsible for them. She says “I feel…” instead of “You make me feel…” See the difference? In other word, she recognizes her feelings yet she realizes her feelings are her own responsibility. She owns them.

If you do all this, you will become a Goddess that he worships till the end of time. To learn more on how to be a “man whisperer,” sign up for my monthly membership Feminine Goddess Enlightened Relationship. It is a skill not unlike riding a bike, once you master it it will stay with you forever.

MORE:  When Your Man Pulls Away Again, Do This

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

 

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

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14 comments

  • I have been involved with someone and lets say we have a special relationship “friends with benefits”. He is a really nice man a gentleman in fact. When we are intimate he is very passionate and tells me he wants to “make love to me.” The whole friends with benefits relationship is confusing because when we are very passionate towards each other. I did not think passion and caring went along with a friends with benefits type of relationship. Or am I way off here.

    • It can be the beginning of romance. In fact most romances start with lust and sexual connection…for a reason (that’s how we perpetuate the species). You can turn this around by implementing my advice in my ebook.

  • Susanne Kalsås

    Hi Katarina! I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, and everything you say really resonate with me, especially how a woman’s selfasured sweetness and acceptance of her man is what’s important to him. But I do have a few questions. The women on your blog seem to have fallen deeply in love with men who made them chase and pursue a relationship with him. They represented themselves as a challenge and therefore a prize to “win” into committment. Secondly, I think that some men are naturally good at attracting women this way and will use it to get as many options as possible. Will women who don’t play along seem rigid? My second question is this; Will women who are leaning back from the start creat a releationship of convinence for herself? Your thoughts will be greatly appriciated.

    • Katarina Phang

      Women who lean back will only attract men who put in the efforts and are into them genuinely. The trash takes itself out. Men who don’t care will fade and those who do will put in the effort. Win-win.

  • Hi girls 🙂 When Yuri commented that “Why it’s always the women that have to do the hardest work and try the hardest to be attractive for the sake of men, while most men out there are hardly or never perfect?” , that made me a little sad. It is NOT that way, don’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy! As Katarina says, you do not have to do it that way, or live it that way, or be that way – it is always your choice!

  • Why it’s always the women that have to do the hardest work and try the hardest to be attractive for the sake of men, while most men out there are hardly or never perfect? Bad relationships are not always the women’s fault.

    • You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Stay happily single. You do this for your own growth, not for a man.

  • When I found Katarina Phang and came to this group I was a complete mess. My drinking was out of control, my anxiety and I was very reactive.

    My EUM who brought me here pretty much dumped me, because of my aggressive, masculine, desperate, reactive, and needy ways.

    I thought I could never get him back, I went from blowing up his phone, text harassing, everything, you name it! He had blocked me from everything, social networking sites, phone and ALL.

    I tried to hold on too tight and pushed him away. I seen him with other women, but following Kat’s advice I didn’t react, even though I was dying inside. It was close to 6 months of not having contact, I would see him here and there, but it was like he was quick to get away from me, until I finally decided to do something different, I stayed in this group, looked at posts from other women, started working on my anxiety, gaining more patience, reading Kat’s book, blog posts, and following Kat’s advice.

    Well it turned around, my energy changed, yes I still have some anxiety, but I control it better.

    He contacted me about a month ago, we started talking, and seeing each other, everything feels different now, he’s calling more, his tone is different, he seems happy when he speaks to me, and guess what? He’s been throwing out the ” I love you” word and he said I’m more chill and laid back. He smiles at me now, hugs me and gives me kisses. It all turned around after I let him go, I knew I loved him, I wanted him happy, I knew I had to let go because I wasn’t making him happy being toxic and pushy, I wasn’t making myself happy, chasing after him.

    Ladies if I can go from bat shit crazy, drama queen, toxic, to more calmer, non reactive, you can too! If my situation turned around, yours can too!

    I realized I was my own enemy. Men are not mean assholes, work on you, it’s true, once you change your ways, he will change how he reacts to you.

    Be soft, lean back, have patience, mirror him, let him lead, be calm, non reactive, sweet and lure with honey. Kat knows how to speak a man’s language, she understands men. You can turn your life around, you can become a goddess, believe in yourself and do the work.

    It feels good to lean back and have a man pursue you, that’s how it’s supposed to be, allow it. If I can change, you can too. Listen to Kat ladies, she is truly the “Man Whisperer”

    Katarina​ you are an angel and truly the best, Hugs.

  • Hi karatina, insightful article. But i just cant help it to wonder if the guy i have been dating for 2 months is still interested. Everytime we are together, i feel there are some progress: from just having dinner and spend time at his place, to going on day dates and he shows affection in public places, and recently he actually let me stay over at his place. But the problem is in the past week or two he hasn’t been contacting me as much as before. I have not been texting him or call him daily or bug him about things, the last time we were together, i did initiate contact. What do you think?

  • He’s lukewarm so move on. Let him come to you again and if he likes you enough he will. Read my book please. That will help you not to be so over-invested.

  • It’s been a month. He hasn’t contacted me, neither have I. Could he be turned off by my smoking or the fact that we only spend time at his house? Btw, I am independant, I have a good job & earn a decent income, drive a great car…its only that I stay with my family, that’s all.
    What should I do in this case? Should I continue being quiet or just move on? Right now, for instant, I have his jacket, but I don’t want to make an excuse to contact him by using a jacket. LOL

    (Sorry for posting this is 4 parts, it seemed there wasn’t enough space for 1 (long) post LOL) The 2nd post is supposed to be the 3rd btw) LOL 😉 Thanks K!

  • He became distant, but I thought it’s just work stress. Basically, I was the one initiating most of our contact. He was due for a work trip to on 17th Aug (Sun), we were supposed to spend time on that Fri (15th), but on that day, he sent me a message, cancelling & said we can spend time on Sat (16th) & he also suggested that I sleep over & drop him off at the airport on Sun morning for his flight. Great idea, I thought! I agreed. Guess what?! Saturday afternoon, he drops a text, he cancels. He said he had people over at his house & we wont be able to spend time. He further said he will make time to come to my place instead (that’s at 2pm). I tell him I understand & I’ll wait for him to come.

  • Ofcourse I’m feeling disappointed at that stage, but what pissed me off, is when he didn’t respond to my last message. Seeing that it was getting late (7pm), I started to realise that he wasn’t gonna come & my anger got the better of me lol… I sent him a message telling him that I know he’s not coming & that he’s been acting distant, that if its something I’ve done, he should just be honest & tell me etc… He responded after 2/3hrs & said he’s been busy preparing for his trip & if there’s anything I had to know, I would be the first to know. I felt bad, so I didn’t respond any further. The next day, I sent him an apology & told him I wasn’t thinking straight & he responded almost immediately. He said he ‘has learned not to argue & he doesn’t entertain it either, but he’s fine’. I wished him well for his trip….

  • Hi Karatina,

    Thank you for a great article, I read this with an open mind & it’s true. I have a situation which him pulling away, I’m at a loss & would like to pick your brain for some advice, if you may… 

    So….we dated for 3months, he’s a single dad currently going through a divorce & we met through his sister, who is a friend of mine…Everything was fine, he was spending time with me, letting me spend time with him & his kids at his house after our 3rd date (even though I only slept over once), cause he said he felt uncomfortable about it, he’s not ready for his 14yr old daughter to know that him & I are dating etc). We became intimate fairly quickly, I stay with my family, so most he cant come visit me as it would be seen as a disrespect to my parents, so we spend all the time at his place. Things were seemingly great, he liked me & I liked him, he only complained about the fact that I smoke, I tried to stop but its hard, so I would only not smoke when I’m going to see him that day…. Right. Fast forward to last month….

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