Why do Men Disappear then Reappear Again
Many women that reach out to me for help deeply ponder why do men disappear, often without a word. They look for reasons and justifications for why he disappears then reappears again. There really are no justifications for this behavior. You see a man does exactly what it is he wants to do.
Hannah, 28, has been in limbo for 1.5 years now. She’s hung up on her ex-fiancé whom she broke up with when she was 22. She can’t let go and he keeps pulling the Houdini disappearing act every few weeks: disappearing and reappearing with no clear indication if he wants in or out even though he said over and over he didn’t want to go back to her and she’s getting desperate every time. He has her on a leash and emotionally she finds it impossible to move on because she has always “what if” in the back of her mind.
“Update: Ex-fiancé invited me over for a beer last night. I went over and it went amazingly well. It was the best time I ever had with him, and we were having so much fun laughing and joking, etc etc. I should’ve left on a good note …
He ended up kissing me trying to take my clothes off -I was like “I’m not interested in casual sex and neither of us are ready for a relationship.” Anyway, he got really upset and accused me of being “weird” because I didn’t want to have sex with him. I was like “Do you not remember what happened the last few times we had sex? You kicked me out five minutes later -one time you wouldn’t even kiss me goodbye. You treated me like a whore.”
He acted like he didn’t understand what I was talking about . I said, “You disappear after sex for months. I am having fun with you and it breaks my heart every time. I don’t want that to happen again. I’m not trying to obligate you to anything but I can’t do this to myself, I have feelings for you. If we’re going to have sex I would want to see you more regularly, not every few months.”
Then he’s like “Well, why didn’t you tell me that earlier? Now’s the not the time to tell me this.”
I’m like “What? You never pick up the phone when I call. You barely make time to see me, when was I suppose to tell you this?” Then he accuses me of being controlling because I’m trying to control the flow of when we have sex etc etc.
Honestly I was crushed after what happened the last few times as everything is on his terms. He doesn’t care when I want to see him or whats good for me. It’s all at his convenience. Then he says he doesn’t want to hang out again, we could’ve had a good thing going but I ruined it by being controlling because that’s what I do.
I was like well thanks for pointing that out -I was unaware- and he was shocked and just wanted me to leave and I was like “Ya, just throw me out like trash cuz that’s what you do. All you do is focus on my flaws so you don’t have to let me in, so it validates reasons for you to keep shutting me out of your heart. Thats what you do. Then he’s like “Well, ya I guess that’s what I do.”
Anyway, I left and I feel like shit- and I feel even worse because of his claim that it was going so well and we had such a fun time together maybe we could’ve seen where it went IF I had been comfortable enough to have sex with him… I can’t wrap my brain around it- is this true? Did I blow my big CHANCE with him?
After how bad the sex went last few times and how shitty he treated me I don’t think anyone would’ve jumped into bed with him, not until they knew he had changed a little. And what do I do now? I still have feelings for him and am even worse of now because I had a great time until the end – at which point he acted like he had an amazing time too but I ruined it and ruined any chances of anything happening between us because I didn’t open my legs?
I understand that we ladies have to be open about sex and I have tried that the last few times without expectations and just got dissed by him. I was not trying to manipulate the situation I was having a great time and not ready to take it to that level as every other time it went sour. I’m like damned if I do damned if I don’t with him: when I didn’t have sex he stopped talking to me and when I did have sex he stopped talking to me… but he always comes back. Why do men disappear after sex?
I really can’t go on like this. I have done the make-up-your-mind thing to him before even told him I was done and he always comes back and manages to sit right in the middle on the fence in my life still not leaving or stepping up. I don’t deserve this torment.
I believe it is not just sex but something more that keeps him stuck, but at the same time by not walking away and allowing him to stay in the middle, he is not being forced to really confront his feelings.
I have disappeared the last few weeks or months and that made him come around contact me looking for me, but then this is what it’s resulted in. Another friend on here suggests I do nothing… I don’t know, what is your impression of what’s going on? Is he yanking my chain regarding if only I had sex with him, we were having so much fun and could’ve seen where it went. Does that even matter?
Hillary asked me if I would’ve been ok with having sex with him yet AGAIN and it going nowhere- and honestly I would not be ok with that happening again (especially after a cervical cancer scare after the last time I had sex with him -and then getting a clean bill of health and negative STD report- why should I risk it again on someone who might not talk to me for a months afterwards?).
So I don’t know what to do -still hoping he will come around- is it best for em to move on and do nothing and if he does come around be upset with him for being like this? Should I message him saying to make up his mind like my other friend suggested? I don’t know, please share any thoughts or honest opinions. I really need some perspective. It sucks how such a fun time could turn so shitty because I didn’t fulfill his expectations. “We were having so much fun but now I know why its never gonna work because your weird and you can’t let things be natural and go with the flow…”
That’s one of the things Kat talks about but I wasn’t trying to be controlling. I was protecting myself after the shit he did to me the last few times I had sex with him. Is this the most unfair playing field or am I just nuts? To me it seems like everything is on his terms: my feelings should count I shouldn’t be dumped because I didn’t have sex with him. Wouldn’t a normal person realize that they treated me like a whore and maybe that’s why I was cautious? A normal empathetic person would.”
In the past I have been quite firm with Hannah that her one-down over eagerness is her greatest enemy. She has learned to curb her compulsion by not initiating contacts and even taking her time to respond to him as well as saying “no” to his last minute booty call invite. However, it’s still obvious that he is still the one-up in this soul-sucking non-relationship.
She blames him for his treatment of her and wonders why does he disappear. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
Her last questions in the last paragraph show her lack of understanding of her contribution to the ongoing dynamic that has put her in the most degrading position since she allows him to disappear then reappeared in her life. Until she grasps her part in this whole pathetic saga, she will always be wondering why do men disappear then reappear in her life. She hasn’t hit rock bottom enough to want to change.
And some people need just that.
Until she cultivates self-esteem and self-love that allow her the self-mastery to turn herself off, she will be forever a victim to her compulsion…and his manipulative game.
Until she quits hanging her emotional well-being on the sheer chance of them getting back together, she will continue to put herself under the illusion that he’s the answer to her happiness. He will keep disappearing and she will keep blaming herself.
That, in a nutshell, is why she is so obsessed of him. And that is her biggest downfall. She allows him to disappear and reappear again, over and over. She keeps doing the same thing and hoping for different results. It doesn’t work that way.
However, I have to at least commend her for saying no to sex this time around. I am not the one who advocates using sex as a bargaining chip and everybody who knows me knows how open-minded I am when it comes to sex but in her case the sex hasn’t worked one bit for her. It was lousy and half-hearted and he didn’t act half-decent at all after each session. Worse than treating a hooker (at least a hooker gets paid), he would send her home right after that few minutes of lousy romping and leave her wondering why he disappears after sex.
I am all for well-connected -or at least enjoyable- sex that doesn’t leave you a bitter aftertaste. She’s also a piner of the worst kind so this whole sex thing totally creates more entanglement that is unnecessary to her healing. She doesn’t know how to handle it.
If she was more secure and less hung-up, I would encourage her to continue to respond to his initiation and get-together (if this is your situation, work with me…I have helped turn hundreds of relationships around).
Hence, his using that “something could have grown organically” stuff that I often preach is pretty much a ballsy and disingenuous move on his part.
Why Do Men Disappear? Because You Allow It!
But he knows he can pull it off because she lets him toy with her. Many women that wonder why do men disappear and reappear are looking at the man for the answer. The answer is in the mirror. It’s because you allow it. You are a magnet for that kind disappearing and reappearing behavior.
I don’t intend to analyze why he does what he does. Does he still love her or at least have feelings for her? Maybe. Potentially he does. But I am interested in actions and so far his actions are far from desirable.
It seems to me he’s still hung up on the fact that she dumped him and now is seeking for “revenge” by toying with her heart.
What I’m interested in is of course to make her see that the “what if” scenario in her mind doesn’t serve her. If a man really wants a woman, he will stop at nothing. The only reason a man doesn’t do anything is because either he’s on the fence or he doesn’t want to. He might very well be on the fence but nudging him or trying to fix things runs counter to everything I teach. That won’t make a man want you more. Millions of women have just done that and they are left exhausted and broken-hearted.
Right now the best thing she can do to herself and their future relationship should there be any chance for that is to lose his number and block him.
Yeah block the dude. He’s nothing but a nuisance. She will get more respect when she starts acting high-value, not at his beck and call
Does it sound familiar to you? Are you in this situation right at this moment? Are you trapped in the same obsessive wishful thinking that doesn’t serve you and can’t get out? Tell me what you think on the comment section below.
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