Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex – Understanding Love vs Attachment
Why can’t I get over my ex is a question about every woman on the planet has asked herself at some point in time. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why does it hurt so much. I think the answer to this lies in understanding the difference in love vs attachment.
I know you think you can’t get over him because you love him so much. You feel lost, maybe even desperate to get him back in your arms again. The urge to call him, text him or run to him and tell him how much you need him is overwhelming. You truly feel you need him.
One question to ask yourself is what exactly is it that you need him for? What do you need from him? Do you need him to feel better, to feel happy, to feel complete, to feel loved? We all want to feel loved, however to desire this from someone who isn’t able or willing to give us love is not healthy.
When you really ask yourself what it is that you need him for you will discover this is an emotional need, your own self centered need, which is what attachment is all about. Attachment is an emotional need for someone. Love on the other hand is a warm positive feeling toward someone. You can’t get over your ex because you are trapped in deep attachment.
When we struggle to get over an ex or in letting go of an ex, especially an ex who has removed his affection from us, our need to hold onto this relationship anyway is more about attachment than love. It’s more about our fears and our ego.
If you have feelings that you can’t be happy without your ex or that you need him desperately, you are silently holding him responsible for your happiness. You have become emotionally dependent (which is what attachment really is) on your ex and that is why you struggle and keep asking yourself why can’t I get over my ex? Why can’t I get over him (check this out, this is how these women get their exes back).
When Attachment Becomes Unhealthy
This emotional dependence causes anxiety, fear, mostly fear of loss. When you become emotionally dependent on another, the thoughts of losing them often cloud your ability to live in the now. If the thought of losing a man causes a deep, even primal fear, you are attached.
Emotional dependence or attachment is a self centered focus. Think about it. Right now you are focused on your pain, your anxiety, your needs. Things that you think have everything to do with your ex. The reality is these feelings have nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with yourself.
Attachment comes when you disconnect from self. You feel that this one person can give or take away your happiness or make you feel or stop feeling a certain way. You surrender your power from a place of attachment to another as opposed to holding it in your own hands from a place of love.
Your emotional dependence or attachment is a thought that you can’t be happy without this person. When you believe that your ex must stay in your life for you to be happy and in extreme cases even want to live, you have become unhealthily attached. You have lost your sense of self and have identified your happiness to things outside of yourself.
Attachment vs Love
This attachment actually destroys love and could very well have played a big part in why he is your ex to start with. Attachment is stifling, suffocating and ridden with control. Attachment causes emotions such as jealousy, anxiety, stress, depression, and even thoughts of vengeance.
Love is enjoying someone’s presence but being self sustaining in their absence as well. Love can let go. Love understands that your own needs many not match the needs of another. Love does not control, stifle or suffocate. Love just simply is. It exists in the moment, in the now.
With attachment comes a great fear of loss. When you operate from a place of deep attachment, you are deluding yourself into a belief that if you don’t or can’t have this man, then you are somehow going to become immobile and not be okay without him. This is not true. You were okay before him, you will in time be okay after him. The thoughts that you can’t get over him is a illusion.
If you still think you can’t get over your ex perhaps it’s time to reconnect with self. Perhaps it’s time to explore those old wounds or false beliefs that happiness comes when another behaves a certain way. Perhaps it’s time to take a journey inward and discover what love really is about and learn to lean back and love without attachments.