Why Bringing Up Sexual Exclusivity Before Sex Or Early In the Game Rarely Works

boyfriend broke up with me

 

Women often make sex a bargaining chip or if not they feel ashamed  to have sex before commitment.  Basically those women are a anxious attacher to begin with. The dating niche caters so much to that anxiety by making it as if it was the sex that is the problem, instead of the person(s) who has/have the sex.  It is not the sex that is the problem, but your belief around it. Your fixation to the ideas of sex -that are usually very conflicted- is the culprit why many have the Virgin-Whore complex that doesn’t help women’s self-esteem one bit and doesn’t make relating to men any easier.

Recently my private group (get my book to be included) was buzzed with a heated discussion about sex before commitment or sexual exclusivity when a member Clara wrote about her ambivalence about having sex before monogamy, “Hi ladies, here’s an update of my situation… I was the girl who turned down my EUM for sex. He gave me the cold shoulder but eventually approached me again after 5 days. We’ve been hanging out regularly since (though he wasn’t trying as hard as initially) and recently, we did sleep together for the first time. We were both sober, and have talked for hours that day, so it felt right and I went with it.

The thing is, I really don’t want a sexual relationship before commitment. Though I certainly don’t expect him to ask me for exclusivity after having sex together once, I also don’t really know where he stands. He hasn’t told me his intentions at all and I can’t ask (because I have to lean back, not initiate talks, etc. Damn it!)

I know the best way to protect myself emotionally is to keep busy and date other guys. But the sexual involvement would also make that hard (damn it again!).  In any case, I decided to not sleep with him anymore for now.

We hung out again at his place and it came very close to sex, at which point I tried to push him away. I told him “I need to get to know you better. This is scary for me”, in which he responded, “but this is so fun”.

His response shocked me so much that I completely got turned off and just sat up.  I told him i “can’t do this” and apologized. He was being sweet, caressed and kissed me in a nonsexual way and offered to walk me home (which is in the next building). But not revealing much else. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and said, “I guess I’m just not cut out for casual sex”, in which he said NOTHING!

I was so frustrated that I practically ran out of his apt while telling him to not walk me home (he didn’t). So my questions are… 1. Now what? is it completely over between us? 2. Is it really offensive to a guy if you sleep with him once but refuse to again? 3. How can I tell if he just wants me for sex or he wants something serious (since the first time we slept together, he’s texted me daily and tried to meet up with me. He’s actually acted like a bf, but a nonchalant and lazy one). Sorry for the long post… Just want some clarity and more objective POVs.

I do know what I want in life.  I have my own practice and also run the optometry department for a nonprofit clinic and there’re many other projects I want to get my hands on, professionally and socially. The only thing missing in my life is a life partner. Even though I had no problems in my 20’s (when I had no intention of settling down), I have not been able to sustain a relationship in my 30’s. It always started off with the guy being head over heels but it never worked out in the end”

Yes I know this is a highly controversial subject and I can only imagine the kind of pros and cons this will bring in.  But I’d like to address this as detached and objectively as I can taking into account the reality of the situation and a guy’s very thoughts on the subject (heck, I am the man whisperer after all 😉 ).

Clara, you are dating the guy, at some point sex is inevitable.  It’s an exploration phase in which the pendulum can swing either way.  You are not a couple, yet not just friends either.

So in other words, if you’re going to have sex anyway, you’ll do it -and enjoy it- better without conflicts.  And as the result you’ll have a better chance of building a strong connection compared to the expectations-driven anxiety you currently operate from.  What good is there to have sex with lots of inner conflicts? So you feel better because you feel more virtuous doing so?

If you still have conflicts you can either:

1.  Trace the roots of that conflict and heal them.

2.  Don’t have sex at all but remember that not having sex has its set of problems, one of them he’ll lose interest (yes most guys these days won’t wait till commitment/marriage to have sex -and mind you they can easily do that with other people as well- so you can either limit your dating pool further by finding guys who are okay with that or you adjust and change).

Let’s explore point number one.  Why are you conflicted?  You said you really liked him.  So sex should be natural and easy cause of the sexual attraction you both have.  The only thing that is holding you is the idea/belief about sex you have.  Maybe your conditioning or the messages you hear often about how bad, sinful, shameful “casual sex” is.  Or how a woman will lose a man’s respect once she engages in casual sex?

Is it fear? Is it the need for reassurance or guarantee? What’s so wrong, do you think, with casual sex (or sex in the early stage of relationship) if you don’t think shame and guilt are the reasons? Or “shoulds” were in your head the whole time you were at it?

Or maybe you are worried about your health which is a very valid point in which case you can at least temporarily solve it by having safe sex till you both agree to be exclusive and committed?

Or maybe you don’t want to get attached and get hurt since you heard so much about oxytocin curse from the “experts” out there?  (In other words, you are ruled by FEAR above).

Whatever the reason is it causes so much resistance and anxiety in you and anxiety is -if you have been following me a while- the main reason why women push guys away and often unnecessarily.

Anxiety comes from expectations.  And expectations come from lack.  When you feel lack you can’t trust a man and his leadership because you can’t trust yourself/your own judgment.  So you base everything on “hearsay,” on what society/norm dictates you to think/feel, or what your jaded girlfriends who are projecting their own bitterness at their own dating woes tell you to do.

 

To ignite a man’s devotion a woman has to surrender to her feminine essence. She can’t surrender unless she trusts him. She can’t trust him unless she trusts herself. She can’t trust herself unless she is full within herself. She can’t feel full unless she nurtures herself with no apology.

 

When you are anxious you don’t live and surrender to the moment AND because you aren’t fully present in the moment you become anxious.  You are too busy scheming in your head.  And the energy you radiate isn’t enticing.  It’s heavy, dark and a repellent.

In other words you can’t lean back unless you are in the moment.  Anxiety is a leaning forward energy and it always pushes men away.

Always.

And as I wrote in my past blog post about when to have sex, it’s not the sex itself that will drive men away, it’s what you do after sex.  And what you did, Clara, after sex is why women come to me in droves and need my help.

Removing conflicts about sex is one of the most important things that inspires a man to commit. Again, this is counter-intuitive. And this is one of the major reasons why I’m not single and I’m in a happy relationship (not because I’m “virtuous” according to the societal dictate).

And this is why I created this hit one-of-a-kind and unapologetic workshop: Leaning Back and Cultivating Feminine Mystique in which I address feminine sexuality at great length and that how a woman should embrace and surrender to this inherent part of herself to become WHOLE as a high-value sought-after feminine woman.

Is this counter-intuitive?  You bet.  But I don’t become one of the most successful dating/relationship coaches with a very high success rate by rehashing and regurgitating clichés that everybody spews out without much basis or personal investigation.

Just because you hear if often, it doesn’t make it true.

As a woman, we also need to understand a man’s predilection when it comes to sex.  Most men just can’t give you commitment before sex until they know they can go a distance with you, that including a great sexual connection. You started so well with him keeping initiating even after sex. Your fixation to the ideas of sex hold you back. And you have expectations instead of just trusting his leadership.

Men will guard their rights to variety first and foremost cause they are wired that way while women will be more readily give up variety when we are hooked on a guy cause romance, security and bonding are our priorities in life. It doesn’t mean however guys are more sexual than women. It’s just women are so conditioned to suppress their sexuality because of the stigma that comes with it (again the Virgin-Whore Complex). The belief that commitment comes before sex as opposed to sex before commitment.

Most guys I know will tolerate women not being monogamous in the beginning as long as they are not exclusive AS LONG AS you don’t throw it in their face. That’s why don’t divulge your current/previous sex life to a man you’re dating too much (like “Oh, I just had a gang bang”). He can’t help losing his attraction if you do. And don’t expect him to be totally honest with you either in the beginning -in fact just don’t ask.

That’s why I’m not an advocate of asking for commitment before sex from the get go cause more often than not it’s not gonna work. It’s a controlling stance. Men in general won’t heed it but will lie anyway so as not to lose the woman.

It’s naive for anyone or any coach who thinks women can control this aspect of relating only after a few dates/a few weeks of dating.

I’m big on tolerating uncertainty and ambiguity cause that is what truly works. Lean back and accept what is whatever that is and see where the chips may fall.

Men will naturally bond to a special woman and curb their tendency for variety when they are emotionally attached to her and don’t want to lose her. That’s the only way to expect monogamy from a guy with options.

Unless you are a supermodel and he’s a chump, he will jump onto the offer of sexual exclusivity and see it as “wow, I’m so lucky.” But if you’re attracted to masculine men with real options when it comes to sex, you need to be realistic.

And I notice with the last few guys that when you care less about this, they’ll be the ones who are wondering if you only use them for sex or if you sleep with other guys :D.  Reverse the tables and you’re going to make him pass up all those other options by being so relaxed about this UNLIKE so many other women. Be a different woman and let him notice that.

When you are not anxious, he’ll be the one who will be more anxious… that’s the dynamic in every relationship.

Hence, I release myself from all expectations when I first start seeing a guy. I just know and ACCEPT that he will sleep with other women when he feels like it and nothing I do/think will stop him from doing so (it only prevents me from living in the moment) and I do think he has all the rights to do whatever he pleases, as so do I. My anxiety-free stance draws any man I have a sexual relationship with to the point they perhaps don’t see a need to sleep with other women. I knew my Emotionally Unavailable Man didn’t cause we were always together.

When I started with my boyfriend, it wasn’t “dating” per se. It was hanging out and only after we had had sex for about 3 weeks, he took me to the beach cause he wanted to know me better. If I had been acting like you, Clara, the connection wouldn’t have been cemented. Don’t listen to the generic advice out there that despises sex that makes you so guilty and shamed for embracing your feminine sexuality and surrender to your bliss as a woman.

And the same as my emotionally unavailable man, only after an intense sexual beginning he began to see other sides of me that made him emotionally attached. Without that sex we wouldn’t have had what we had. We wouldn’t have been so well connected that allowed me to write my book that has been helping so many women.

Here’s the paradox…I loved my sexual freedom and I got monogamy. Go with the flow, stop being so controlling.

Again, here’s another paradox: the more you dwell on the possibilities of him sleeping with others, the more likely it will happen. The less you care the more likely he will only want to do it with you because you are so addictive. And it all happens naturally without any pressure. So if that’s what you want, do it the natural way with least pressure.

Yet another paradox, your attempt to speed up the process (trying to make him define the relationship) actually slows it down big time.

In the discussion one of prominent male voices was from my dear friend and one of my biggest male supporters, Graham R White who himself is also a coach:

“Kat has the best and most successful approach I’ve seen. It sidesteps women’s delusions of knights in shining armor that will show up wanting the same exclusivity as women and be hopeful of finding a relationship and instead puts women in the driver seat making the woman high value enough that even men who have options will give them up to be with a woman who is so high value she’s worth more than any 10 other options. 

High value men don’t want to give up our options or free wheeling lifestyle, but women who lean back capture our attention and make us think you must be worth a whole lot if you’re not jumping up to convenience us, our schedules and our desires. 

It’s NOT a game and if you can wrap your head around the fact that its going to take a while before a guy with options is going to want exclusivity you can make your choices accordingly. 

One choice may be to date without sex while he likely sleeps with one or more of his options. Another choice is to sleep with him and not think about what else he’s doing (be safe). 

There’s the very rare 1/1,000 guy who’s single and pouring his passion into a life and work he loves and even though he could have almost any woman he wanted is not sleeping with them, but I wouldn’t recommend to many women to hold out for this unicorn.

The only way a high value guy will be exclusive from the first time is if you date a fair while and blow his mind during that time, so much so that he gives up his ‘sides’ for what you offer as a partner that they don’t. 

You’re looking for a great guy, but high value men aren’t going to settle for exclusive sex with anyone other than a woman that they think may be forever, and that standard for us is way higher than it is for you. 

(This applies to high value men only, others are happy to settle for whatever is guaranteed to be ongoing and are easily exclusive because of their lack of options). 

You have to be amazing in so many ways for us to begin closing doors to other options. You want that way before we do.

The reality most of the time is that you’re going to close your options before we do, so we’ll be sleeping with multiple women while you’ve decided to limit your sex to just us. (or no one while you wait for us to realize how amazing you are). 

Women may keep dating, but you’re not designed to have multiples the way we are – and if you do and we find out we’ll likely drop you. 

It’s the dirty double standard little secret no one wants to talk about because it’s not fair – and if you’re going to demand exclusivity by a directive, a question or even energetically you’d better be super high value. 

More experienced women know not to ask or push it. If he thinks you’re the one he’ll eventually cut the other ones off, but if you demand he match your time frame you’ll likely lose him. 

Lean back, date other guys, have sex with your other dates if that’s what you want, but be careful with what you share. 

If he wants you, he’ll let you know by how hard he works for it and you can decide if he’s a big enough deal.

When you are not needy, insistent or demanding his natural response will be to be curious, then interested, then pursue you and then if you’re a real catch – to want to claim you and actually WANT to give up all other women for you. If at any point you discuss, request or demand exclusivity you’ve negated this potential outcome from the kind of man who has options. 

Lean Back, focus on you, don’t worry about what he’s doing and if you’ve done your work the man who’s done his will find you irresistible.

 

I’m just telling you what truly works. Like Graham said, a man doesn’t think like a woman. You can accept what is and work around it or you can live in fear/anxiety and don’t get you closer to what you want.

And re. your last paragraph, like I always say, it’s because you’re too goal oriented, Clara. You have to enjoy the process too. And the type of thing you did to that guy after sex certainly never helps women. You make it as if he owed something to you just because you two had sex. As if you are the only woman who has ever had sex with a guy. It’s just so much drama about something that is supposedly enjoyable and natural as sex.

How is that as a different perspective?  Don’t you find it more empowering than your old one that doesn’t seem to work for you?

Here’s what Candy said after our Leaning Back Workshop.

“I really like what you said about sex, Kat — society tries to trick us into thinking that sex should be an end goal, or rather prize to be won when it’s really just a wonderful part of the journey.

Sex is NOT A DESTINATION.

And this is why so many women are made to think:
“MEN ONLY WANT US FOR SEX.”

Most men, I’ve learned, want more than just sex.

Honestly, I just love your approach to sex/ making love. So fresh and just different from traditional methods. =]”

Here’s what Cindy said after the workshop:

“I’m not sure if I had posted this already, so I’m repeating myself then I apologize. The topic of sex and female sexuality is a hot topic, and it triggered a lot of feelings that I kept inside regarding my relationships.

First off, my brief time with my EUM brought me a few weeks of really great sex. In the beginning I was very nonchalant about sex, so long as I was careful physically and emotionally, I would be fine, at least that’s what I thought. We spent almost everyday together, we had a lot of phone calls and texts between each other, he really wanted to spend time with me. It was when I let all those hangups about sex get to me, and when I started to use sex as a bargaining chip (I didn’t realize I was doing it at the time, but I now see that I did) and let the anxiety get to me that he might have been using me as a booty call that the promising relationship fell through and he left.

I didn’t trust in his leadership, and he probably sensed it. My friend reminded me of him this past week, telling me that he was going to go “visit my ex-husband” at the wine shop. It triggered a lot of other feelings, pain, anger, etc. I had a setback Monday night and had to take a major timeout to sort my issues there. Then I remembered my past relationship with my ex prior to my EUM. Even though we were in an exclusive relationship my ex would put me down for having such a voracious sexual appetite, to which I was incredulous because, um, hello, he is my man and duh I wanna have a lot of sex with him!

In that regard, I was using sex to try to cover up our other many issues and keep us closer and of course because I wanted him, while he was avoiding sex with me because I later learned that he was cheating on me with hundreds of women. I had a lot of anxiety about sex because of that relationship because I didn’t want to feel used.

In both instances, what initially started out as great sex with no expectations ended up with me making those mistakes. I understand the anxiety of having sex with someone you are attracted to, I was the anxiety attached kinda woman, but if you start getting ahead of yourself and of him, it’s not gonna go well. It just won’t. You have to make the decision for you if you wanna have sex, it’s because it feels right for you, and not have these conflicting feelings and anxieties.

Otherwise, for example, when I felt bad about myself for being single or being dumped, I would seek out a partner (it would be a single friend with benefits or a booty call I used to have on rotation,) for sex and while I thought it was great in the moment, I used to feel like crap afterwards.

And with this class and discussions, I’ve realized that I felt crappy afterwards because I wasn’t addressing the inner conflicts and doing the inner work. I’m slowly processing this, slowly but surely understanding it. It felt like a punch in the gut, but it was so important to realize and acknowledge it. I felt like crying when it hit me, but I also felt free to take back my power.”

This is one of the myriad ways on how my method is so different to traditional dating advice out there.

At the end of the day it’s about how much resistance you carry inside. It’s not about what’s right or wrong. If you are happy being celibate then celibacy is right for you. If you are happy being sexually active then it’s right for you. If you want to have sex and you do have sex but you are not in the moment, but in your head the whole time worrying about “shoulds” and your agenda of commitment before sex, then you gotta work on that issue.

It might be against your conditioning but having commitment before sex for an agenda never works.  It’s not why a woman becomes irresistible.

Do you want to know about how to embrace your femininity wholly and truly without apology?  Sign up for this recurring class Leaning Back And Cultivating Feminine Mystique.  You will stand out from the rest female population after this program.  And the healing of your triggers isn’t complete until you sign up for this hit group coaching Journey Inward.  With both programs you will simply be UNSTOPPABLE.

MORE:  What Is The Healthy Approach To Sex That Is Attractive To Men?  It’s Not What You Think

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  This is the primer before delving deeper into my method.  And many women have pulled their guys back from the brink through practicing the tools and principles I outline there.  And you will be included in the two lively private groups I own and see how women transform themselves there to become a high-value woman.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Image credit Deposit Photo!

 

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7 comments

  • Disagree. I told my boyfriend I would not have sex with him until we were exclusive nor would I be having sex with anyone else. I told him upfront I want a relationship with commitment and no man along the way was worth having sex with until we both felt it would be a meaningful long lasting relationship. He respected me immediately and after 2 weeks of dating (seeing each other 2-3 times a week) he asked me to be exclusive. 2 weeks later he said he loved me. I was skeptical at first cause it happened so fast. Now 8 months later we are living together and happy. He’s talking marriage and treats me like the queen I am. I really believe having a solid understanding of expectations from the get go will save a lot of time time and heartache. If I was smarter i woukd have waited til proposal to move in. Waiting for a man to pop the question is the hardest part. But your articles on that subject are helpful!!!!

    • Katarina Phang

      More power to you. It doesn’t happen that way for thousands of women who come to me. Exceptions don’t defy the rule. There are more twists than you can imagine in average non-relationships before they become full blown relationships. That’s more of the default mode these days.

  • Hi Katarina,

    I found you by reading the very interesting conversation on fb today btw Evan Mark Katz, you and Jonathon Aslay. I am very interested in what you do and how you handle situations, as I often don’t agree with either of them. I also know a lot of Rori Raye’s stuff, and feel the same way. Lots is great, and lots is not for me. Anyway, I’m a little confused about what you offer, what I should start with, etc. I actually would like to do one on one coaching I think, in addition to or instead of a program. Do you offer discounted first sessions? Or a trial session?

    Thanks so much

  • This article is awesome, i guess it is the high time women owned their sexuality without guilt. Who says that women may not want sex as much as men want it. If you have been there, enjoy the moment&lean back as Katarina advises&let the guy be the one to worry if he did it right:) You truly inspire women!

    • Thank you, Jane. We should embrace our feminine sexuality because what we deny that is inherently us will get back to haunt us in so many adversarial ways.

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