He Thinks He Wants His Ex Back – Hold The Door Wide Open

he wants his ex back

When your boyfriend thinks he is not over his ex, or thinks he wants his ex back, let him go….hold the door wide open.  If you don’t let him complete his journey, you will be wondering what if.  Ttrust the strength of your connection and the rare special of a woman you are will bring him back into your arms eventually…that if some lucky guy hasn’t swept you off your feet.

 

Marina came to me last year after the guy she was dating for four months told her he wants his ex back,  he wanted to go back to his High School sweetheart.  They had a relationship over 20 years ago and somehow the flame was still burning in him.  He wasn’t done with her.

She was broken hearted, of course, so she signed up for my private coaching and three cycles of both Journey Inward and Leaning Back workshop as well as the new program Four Components Of Melting His Heart.

Throughout their breakup he regularly checked in on her through emails, despite the fact that he had went back to his ex.  He loved to write (long) emails, often to her irritation and bewilderment, talking about all and sundry: his health, her health, her pets, the air purifier she should be getting, etc…everything but about his real feelings for her and why he wrote her so much.

I told her to go along with it and responded in kind.  She leaned back the whole time, barely initiated contact even when he would fall out of the loop every now and then.

But he was always back…with his emails.

As a seasoned man whisperer (coughing), I knew his relationship with his High School sweetheart wouldn’t last.  First, because they were different people now.  It was like trying to revive withering flowers.  Second, like most women she doesn’t know the man whisperer’s secrets that I teach.  Most women will screw their relationships with their ignorance, masculine energy and controlling streak.

Marina does know the secrets.  She is one of my star students.  I never had any doubt in my mind it was only a matter of time before that relationship with his ex combusted and he would find his way to be with her again, only this time with stronger resolve having seen first hand what’s out there in terms of women of relationship material.  I told her to let him go and complete this part of his journey. If he wants to go back to his ex, let him see it through.  If they were meant to be together, they would.

And I was right.  Not trying to toot my own horn, but over the years I’ve been so familiar with patterns of male behaviors: what makes them tick, what scares and concerns them, what motivates them to pursue a woman, what they actually feel when they say certain words and what their actions really tell you despite their words….

Then one day about 8 months ago she emailed me with the subject title “Your program works too well!!!” in which she included his email asking to meet her for lunch.  Then at the last minute he needed to reschedule thanks to his not-so-great financial situation leaving her somewhat anxious but she responded graciously that made him really surprised by her lack of reactiveness.  He called her “a saint” for that.  Like all my successful clients, she gets noticed as very different to most other women.

Was she becoming the ex that he wanted to get back together with?

That was her apparent victory in this battle against her own demons: leaving behind her old anxious, aggressive and masculine-energy self.

Finally they reunited for their first lunch in November (yep after leaning back almost a whole month) on which time he told her that he and his HS sweetheart were still together!  But you know a happy guy in a relationship won’t usually ask an ex to have lunch with him out of the blue.  I just told her not to have her expectations soar and just treat it as a part of embracing the moment whatever that is.

I knew it was a matter of waiting the other shoe to drop.

Sure enough a week or so later he contacted her again and asked her out again.  They went out on a dinner and guess what…he told her he had broke up with her! His path had run it’s course and he had the ex out of his system.  He no longer wanted to go back to his ex.

The other shoe had indeed dropped.

She wrote after their date: “Just got back from my dinner and we had a nice time together. I did not ask about his relationship and he told me that they had broken up recently. At that moment, all I could say that I was sorry to hear that. Then the rest of the night was just staying in the moments with him. The night ended nicely, he asked if he could see me again during my winter break. I said yes and we shall see….

For the last six months, I wasn’t focusing on getting him back. I was focusing on my personal and professional lives.  I learned to embrace my feminine essence and let go a lot of my “shoulds” and “expectations.”  Also, I learn to lean back in several areas of my life which minimized unnecessary dramas and anxieties. What I gain is an important life lesson in the past 6 months.

The whole leaning back was an amazing experience for me for the past 6 months! When ee broke up with me to go back to his ex, I was sad and shock because we did share an amazing connection. Then I realized that I cannot hold on to him because he is/was on his journey. I have to let him go so that he can figure out his feelings. I am not going to be in someone’s way to true love. During those times I did not chase, pine or call him.

If you want your ex back, shift your energy from him to you!

Seriously, this was sooooo hard for me being a very assertive and go-getter person. I shifted my anxious energy into other areas of my life and now I see significant improvements! I did let him go which was the hardest thing to do but I did it to save my own sanity. In the past, I went through several broken relationships with high anxiety and stress which was a horrible horrible place to be.

After leaning back, I realized that letting go and regaining myself back has helped to find my inner calmness and feminine essence. Kat is a gem in helping us to understand this.”

Marina would continue doing what she’d been doing the last 6 months prior: focusing on herself and her own happiness and taking one day at a time.  And she was still dating too, mind you.

Then things seemed not to progress much after those two meet-ups.  She got confused and frustrated, of course, but my encouragement kept her on her path.  She focused on her art work, her job, updating her online profile and booking a sole vacation to Hawaii.

Gradually, he began to contact her again and still after a few months nothing much happened.  He was taking it reaaalllll slow.  They weren’t even intimate either.  He wasn’t very physical with her.  She wondered if he still had sexual attraction for her.

But she mirrored him…patiently. (Read here on how you can re-addict your ex to you by softening your boundaries)

He seemed to be testing the waters, perhaps thanks to his recent breakup and challenging financial situations and health.

Finally, they became intimate again about a month or so ago.  Then the ball rolled fast after that.  He has been consistently stepping up ever since: he invited her to spend time with his mom on Mother’s Day and decided to join her on her Hawaii vacation (they’re on vacation as we speak).

His mother loves her!

And just over two weeks ago, she emailed me: “He said it yesterday that I’m his girlfriend! She was now the ex that he had come back to.

When he released a huge smelly gas in the bed. Then he commented that he can do that in his girlfriend’s bed. Gee what a nice way to find out!”

Her patience and leaning back pays!  Had she been acting like most women would in her situation (not knowing for months if he was back in or just having a friendly sojourn every now and then), this day wouldn’t have come.

He definitely was feeling her for months and he found out pretty much right away she is not like most women he has come to know (most likely including his recent ex: that’s why it didn’t work in the first place).  He said to her that he could sense if a woman was crazy right away.

Marina is far from crazy.  She is like me: mellow, patient, happy and laid back.  He couldn’t NOT feel drawn to her again. When he said he wants his ex back, he is going back to a fantasy in his head.  The fantasy turned out not to be as good as the reality of Marina!

That’s what feminine energy is all about.

You, too, can be like her.  She worked so hard to get to this place.  She is admittedly a go-getting, smart, successful alpha woman.  She used to “bark orders” with men in the past which she has been trying so hard to curb these days.

My teaching is a path of no resistance.  I call it Love Jiujitsu of the highest form. It works like magic cause it’s a path of all saints.

Remember Laura Munson’s essay about how she attracted her husband (who was going through a crisis of his own) back that catapulted her into stardom?  It’s the same principle at work here.  She then wrote her book based on that essay called: This Is Not The Story You Think It Is: A Season Of Unlikely Happiness.

And now they are officially back together, I can’t be happier.  As I said, I like a great get-ex-back story.  And hers definitely is.  And I’ve been itching to write this great story.  May she be an inspiration to all of you in the same situation.

When your man thinks he’s not over his ex, let him go….hold the door wide open.  Usher and help him to complete his journey faster.  And trust the strength of your connection and the rare special of a woman you are will bring him back into your arms eventually…that if some lucky guy hasn’t swept you off your feet that is!

UPDATE:  The got engaged in December, 2016 and married in May, 2017, almost 3 years after they got back together!!  Congrats to the happy couple.  And you can listen to her interview as part of the Goddess Interview Series on how she pulled this off here or email me at kat@katarinaphang.com.

Want the same result or to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

 

More: Make Your Ex Addicted To You Again By Being Easy To Lose This Time

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  It has been responsible in getting many exes or almost exes to come back!  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

You can also be irresistible like my client Kirstie and get him to step up and marry you after a breakup by attending my Journey Inward group coaching in which she will guest star and share her story of transformation from an alpha female with beta traits to become a beta female with alpha traits.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

 

Images from Deposit Photo!

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74 comments

  • Hi Katarina,
    I’m experiencing this problem now. I’ve been reading your blog and have had several disagreements here, but starting to get a better understanding of where you’re coming from. I don’t see myself as masculine, even though I’m assertive because I open up to a man I have feelings for, but I never try and force things. However, I am ridden with anxiety and I’m starting to understand how that can work against me.

    I never thought I’d wind up back here writing this, but I guess that there wasn’t anyone in my past that I thought was with it. I’m really in love with this guy I’ve been seeing for over 5 months, but he’s not over his ex. I’m really struggling with this. He has told me before that he cares and we have had long conversations about our relationship.

    I’m in serious conflict about this. One side of me tells me that I’ll never have a guy like him; a good heart, attractive and amazing chemistry. The other side of me just does not want to give up. I’m so heart broken. I know that if he didn’t care that he wouldn’t waste his time having these long drawn out conversations with me about our relationship, which is why I think there is hope.

    I know I have to let him go. I’ve been talking to other men for a while but I’m so picky. I’ve only met one other guy who caught my interest, but he lives hundreds of miles away. I’ll even give some guys a chance but I’ll want to end the date immediately because there are no redeeming qualities about any of the new men I meet and then I’m always back to thinking about him. So my options are open, but it’s taking too long to meet anyone to distract me from him.

    Bottom line, I want him all to myself.

  • So I have been dating a guy for 2 years doing everything together but never made it official bf/gf about a month ago I realized he is in contact with his ex then we had a talk which he says he don’t deserve me and he can’t give me his all and he never dealt with his previous breakup that he never got closure she made him call me and said that he is moving on with his life with her and do not contact him so I did that but he calls and text saying it’s not what I think and he promise me to fix everything in time and how I would see but just time I’m not sure what to think or what to do any advise anyone I love this guy to pieces but he gone back to his ex but he is denying it

  • Hi
    I just read about ur post and it has attracted me to talk abt my story that has hurt me so much. I just broke up with my boyfriend who actually sayd he doesn’t love me anymore or nvr did he just had cared for me , and this is because he can’t get over his ex… he has said so many hurtful things to me like he can never find someone like his ex and he said he can’t forget his love which i feel its memories his ex has moved on with her life and doesn’t contact him at all but why is he doing this and hurting me. So he wanted the break up i had no choice but to give it because i felt what’s the use of being with him if he doesn’t love me. Its really sad because i put in so much of effort into our relationship and tried so hard to be better thsn his ex and give him happiness yet he doesn’t seem to forget his past love. I love him and i nvr gave up on him but he says i forced him to love me all i wanted was for him to come out of it but i also loved him. I duno whether he hates me or will he miss me. I feeel so sad. He always told me not to leave him and i kept to my promise but finally he is the one leaving me. What should i do to make him realise his mistake and want me back?

  • Thank you for this article. I would have made soooo many mistakes over the next few months. I’ll provide need to read it everyday to stay sane.

  • I would totally buy your book but I have no money… Just sitting in a hole right now.

  • Hi Katarina,

    Thank you for your teachings! One question that comes to mind with leaning back and accepting what a guy is able to offer is, how do you know you are not being taken advantage of? I.e. this guy may be an eternal player and nothing may ever progress.

    Lexie

    • I do feel as I was taken advantage off, and now he is telling his ex that she never left his mind even if we were together for all those years. It just makes me feel small and if everything we had was not real. He’s a good person but with this new person in his life he is changing the way he is towards everyone and everything even his mom. I’m afraid this person will change him entirely and he can never be the same. He went on to block me from everything and he thinks that I will find a way to try and sabotage his new relationship and that I’m just out in the world looking to see how I can ruin him, which is completely not true. I told him I wish him the best and that he does not need to worry about me at all, I know how it feels for someone to sabotage a relationship and make a relationship end (he cheated on me) so, I would never do that to a person. I want everything to just stay peaceful and know how I can feel better and if I should just move on.

    • Katarina Phang

      Are you rotating? You can’t be strung along if you don’t give up your exclusivity.

      • Hi, please help me with my situation, I met a guy he made me he’s girlfriend after our first date which lasted two weeks we were inseparable. We dated for about a month. But as soon as he’s ex found out she was doing anything and everything to get him back he told me he had broken up with her 4 months prior to meeting me and that he would never go back. Well suddenly he started making excuses about our relationship and broke up with me but was very confused and said he didn’t know what he wanted and that it’s not fair on me and that he’s mind was messed up. He broke up with me via text and didn’t want to see me face to face he refused to see me face to face. It’s been about 2 weeks, he still stalked my Facebook and sent me a text about a video I had posted up I ignored the text and then blocked him of Facebook. Our connection was amazing the best I’ve ever felt. Is this really the end?

  • Hi Katrina,

    I’m currently going through a difficult breakup and I don’t know what to do. my boyfriend of 7 yrs and I broke up 3 months ago. We have had an on and off relationship since high school. We first started dating then broke up and went to date a new girl. They broke up after a few months because she cheated on him and we got back together a few months after. We were together for almost 1 yr and he cheated on me with a different girl and left me for her. They dated for a few months as well but then he broke up with her because he realized he was still in love with me and wanted to be with me. I decided to give him another chance and we were very good up to the end. We dated without breaking up for 5 yrs. He broke up with me 3 months ago saying he lost that spark and gave me all the reasons why he did not want to be with me. He was putting all the blame on me and pretended he did not do anything wrong. A month after our breakup we started to hang out and were intimate for almost 2 months. We never talked about getting back together but we were still together daily. He would tell me that he cared for me and even got jealous when he saw that I was talking to another guy. He would have his moments were he would tell me he missed what we would do or something would remind him of me and he would hug and kiss me. But a few days ago he started being cold towards me and was telling me that I’m too clingy and that I needed to stop going over to see him. I found out he took his ex GF, who had cheated on him, out on a date after they bumped into each other at his work one day. He told me he was going out with some guy friends but really went with her, I confronted him in a nice peaceful way and told him that I knew the truth and he replied saying that he didn’t want to tell me because he was afraid of how I would react. I never texted him or called him while I knew he was with her. I waited a few days to tell him I knew, after we had that talk he told me he had fun with her but that he felt weird because he feels its too soon to date. however, he talks to her daily and are going to go out again. We have not talked for a few days and he makes not effort in reaching out. He seems mesmerized with her right now and I’m scared that he will go back to her and they will stay together for good, even after I have been the only one by his side this whole time. We had plans to marry and have a family but he gave up on all that.
    what can I do? Should I move on or wait if maybe he’ll realize that what he had with me he will not find it somewhere else?

  • You buy Katarina’s book up there in the menu bar. You can’t make a man do anything he doesn’t want to do.

  • He is going to yo you you back and forth as long as you allow him too! It really seems you are his back up plan. Someone to stroke his ego when it doesn’t go right with her. A man with the character of a flea perhaps? What kind of man strings two women along like this? What kind of man doesn’t have the guts to take a stand and go for what he wants? Drop him like a hot potato until he can make up his mind and show actions and not just hollow words to back it up!

    • Thanks for the awesome advice Robin! If he texts or calls me what do I do? Do I ignore him and do the no contact rule for a period of time or do I just say, get in touch with me if you become single?

      • Personally, I wouldn’t even want a man with this kind of character if he was single. He has shown you who he is, now it’s time for you to believe him.

        • I know, I fell so in love with him though, would anything work to get him to come back and commit and make him want to be a good man to be with me?

  • You are allowing this man to string you along. Telling him you are dating someone else won’t likely work because your actions show him otherwise. He has you on his terms completely and you have just stood still and surrendered your power to him.

    If you haven’t bought Kat’s book, please go up to the menu tab and do so pronto!

    • So they got engaged, on Friday. But he told me he made a mistake and isn’t going to marry her. Is there anything I should say? Would anything work on this guy? Or should I dissappear but he always says I do that.

  • Hi Katarina! You and your book and blogs are amazing!!!

    I have a VERY complicated situation and I would love your advice.

    2 years ago I finally met a man that I fell so in love with, but he would never commit to an actual relationship with me. We seriously dated but I knew he was keeping his options open so I did what you said not to do and did all the work. I thought if I showed him how interested and in love with him I was that would work. I spoiled him buy buying him stuff and text him way too much. Last year at this time, he decided to get back with his Ex. Even though he had told me he loved many times. So I did the no contact rule after he got back with her.

    He was first to initiate contact with me and then broke up with her shortly thereafter and started pursuing me. However he still didn’t make me his girlfriend. Long story short he got back with her in June and they are living together now.

    However, even though he basically told me what he was doing last summer he is now denying the whole relationship and living situation. He even took me on a date last month and it was amazing.

    I just got confirmation that they live together by doing social media research so I can’t tell him that’s how I know.

    He just text me last week telling me he loved and missed me and was the first one to wish me Merry Christmas.

    So where do I go from here? Do I come out and say I know they are living together? This guy is the absolute love of my life. Why would he tell me he was getting back with the Ex and now deny it? If he asks me if I’m seeing someone do I say yes? What would work?

    I’m not initiating any contact, I’m just letting him do it, but he can’t just see me once a month and expect me to accept that. He knows he’s had me for so long, other men said he needs to know I’m dating someone else and that would force his hand.

    Thanks so much! I’m so lost, I love this man so much and I just don’t know what to do.

  • Hello,
    I waited 18 months for my boyfriend to get out of prison. He said I was the one he wanted. I got me a place he moved in with me and my son for a weekend. I told him he had to go because he did not want to be there. He would get phone calls from his ex wife everyday. When he first got out of prison his ex would not allow him to see his kids. I ask him how could you love a woman that would not allow you to see your children? His response to me was there are different kind of love. I would ask him over and over do he want his ex wife back he would tell me no. The signs were there but I kept on hoping and believing that he would want to have something with me, but I was wrong. After we broke up a week later he was back with his ex wife. I’m taking it hard because he lied to me about not wanting his ex wife back. I need help or tips on how to move on with my life. Thank You.

  • Hi katarina…i love your articles but my situation is a bit confusing and i dunno what to do. I had been with my ex for 2.5yrs b4 he broke up wit me and he had a rebound. 5days later he was caught for an old offense he did and in jail for 1.5yrs. During tat time he broke up with the gal and we kept in contact. I had let him go during the time and support him as a friend with letters. I moved on and had 2 rebound rs as well. 6mths b4 he came out he wanted me back. After he came out, we got together again. But i had changed. Like u said, i demanded a lot which makes him feel unappreciated and emasculated. He broke up with me. Now he is with a other gal. During a period of 1 mth, we still keep contacting each other. We got intimate on serveral occasions. He says he didn’t dare to try with his gf as he’s afraid i will be sad and will lose me. But i still hang on. I still brought gifts etc. Now, he is confused with his feelings becuz he feels it is unfair for his gf becuz he treats her badly after he kept talking and meeting with me. The gf begged him not to leave her. Today,he says he is afraid he will lose me. Yet he feels that his gf deserves a chance. i told him i support in his decision and go try with her. He says he feel sorry. I told him not to, i dun want him to feel forced to be with me becuz i want him to be happy. He says we won’t be contacting each other frequently anymore as he wants to try to be serious with her. I said i understand. Right now, after a few chats we didn’t talk. Tomorrow, we will be attending the court for his father. He wanted me to accompany him , which is the day b4. What should i feel about this situation?? Becuz right now i am the ex that he feels like going back to?? Yet decided not to and feels like going to his gf. Our break up ended cuz of trust. I didn’t trust him enough and now he has doubts about me. But after this whole mth, he is definitely feeling better about me. So right now we have an amicable conclusion. Could you give me some insights?? Confused on whether i should disappear or continue connecting with him like this. He still wants to contact me, and he says he will tell me if he is with his gf so i shouldn’t txt him,in case his gf knows.

    • He is stringing you both along and you are both allowing it. I think you need to get Kat’s book asap! Surely you deserve a man that knows what he wants and has the guts to go after it and doesn’t lolly gag back and forth like this.

      • Hi robin, tks for your comment 🙂 . These few days we still kept talking and met up. This sunday he will be returning and buying food for me. Right now i am learning to sit back and be calm. Trying to accept this reality and become better and confident. During our meet ups there will still be touches or he will keep playing with my hair. And he even says nobody can touch me except. I just kept silent and smiled. No matter what push and pull he’s pulling now,i am going to try to lean back. Take his words with a pinch of salt. Problem is i don’t want any other guy for now. But that doesn’t mean i can’t try and be much more attractive on the market. I will focus on myself more and move on without moving on.

        • Sweetie you can’t move on without moving on. You can’t fake this stuff. If I was a betting woman, I would bet he is giving her the same song and dance. Been there, done this one, got the tee shirt.

  • This guy and I were together, a year and 8months to be exact, but we just broke up a week ago. It was a relationship of happiness, love, and obviously sexual. It had its ups and downs but still I pushed on, I continued to trust and stay. A few times in the relationship, I caught him texting other females in flirtatious ways. I confronted him each time and told him I didn’t like this and where it was going. He said it was an old habit and that he wasn’t sure. Yet I stayed because I saw a future, something that would be genuinely happy. We worked through it and even though I saw something was off in the relationship, I still tried my hardest to make it work. Unfortunately, and I know I shouldn’t have, I decided to look at his phone. What I found devasted me. For at least a couple weeks prior to us breaking up, I saw on his phone that he had been messaging his ex, in very flirtatious ways. It hurt me because it partially explained why he wasn’t sending that attention to me and why things felt so off. The bigger problem of it was that it wasn’t just any ex. It was the ex. The ex he had a history of 6years with. Which, is still recent because It was his high school love. (As a small side note, we are both 22.) I went with him knowing about her, knowing that if she ever came back into his life, that I could very well lose him. And I understand, a history of 6years, even if it was on and off, isn’t something you can just get over that easily. So I confronted him and all week I’ve made sure he knew how I felt and where I stood with everything. I didn’t do it to hurt him, even though I saw that it did, but I needed him to realize just what he had actually done. That there were consequences to his actions. He tells me that he is just confused on what he wants. He loves us both and so he is torn down the middle. I trust him when he says this. Though unfortunately there is that tiny part of the brain that makes you rethink everything, that plays on your fears yet I still try to see the good in him and that he genuinely meant no harm.
    So currently, we are broken up and he is with her. Which, according to him, is because he needs to find a reason to not be with her. Though, after some discussion, I realized, he won’t come back to me unless things end with her. I even asked what if he doesn’t and all he can say is that he doesn’t know. Though, I already know that answer, even if he doesn’t. So again, I try my best to trust him yet at the same time, its very hard to do when I feel like I never had a chance, which ultimately, I never did. I even feel that I’m second best to him. He says I’m not but its still hard.
    Now, while I’ve accepted that everything he does with her is out of my control, that all I can do is be support now, this is where it becomes confusing. And before I continue, I should mention we are currently living together. Now the part that is confusing is that he still holds me, still takes me and kisses me, still stares at me with that loving gaze of before and tells me he loves me. This just makes everything more complicated because while I don’t mind it, at the same time, I feel like the other woman because he is dating this girl. It took me a little bit to come to terms with leaving because i want so bad to stay. But I’ve finally let him go do what he needs to. So at the end of this week, I’m moving out and back home.
    I guess ultimately what I’m trying to say and ask is, am I doing the right thing? Should I just walk away and ignore my feelings? I’m honestly at the point where I’m so lost and confused that I find more questions then answers. I really want to know if I should think logically or should I follow my heart? Is there something else I can do? Is there a way to get his focus back on me?

    • Hello! This article helped me a lot and gave me a little bit of clarity involving my situation. I have been involved in my now ex boyfriend for 5 months but officially dating for 3 (and he initiated and pushed the relationship thing). At first I was very non-chalant about the whole thing but after a while i felt bad that his effort wasn’t being reciprocated by me so i let myself get all in. I know it wasn’t a lot of time but we really meshed with how motivated we both are are the types of things we see for ourselves for the future and i kind of let myself get attached to that. i few months in i could see him changing as a person. He was/is going through a really stressful, life changing situation and while I tried to be there for him and be a good girlfriend, for some reason, it just didn’t seem to mean much or make him feel any better about it. We broke up this week and i found out that for the past month he has been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend that he had been dating for 2 years and broke up with shortly before we met and he pursued me. When i found that out i was completely devastated because I feel like cheating is the ultimate betrayal. I don’t deal with disappointment well and i can’t help but cry and say things i don’t mean. and when we broke up i did the same thing. He basically told me that he was so confused about his life right now, i deserved better than what he could give me at this time and because we come from different lifestyles, he felt that his ex was cut out for what he was going through better than me. he said “i don’t know if I’m making the biggest mistake right now because the future could be so bright with you, but right now things are so cloudy for me” but he also told me somethings that he didn’t like me for 30% of the time, which all had to deal with how i react to disappointment. He had told me that he should’ve been the man to me that he was to her because she cheated on him, lied to him and made him not trust people but still he went back to her and I don’t understand why when I never did any of that and was good to him, even helped him with all of his endeavors while we were together. And while i was put into a love triangle without asking to be in it, for some reason i want him to choose me, i want things to be how they were in the beginning and i want everything we talked about before he got into the situation he was in. Despite him lying to me and betraying me, i do believe that he is a good person in a confusing situation and he did what he did because he was stuck in between what he is comfortable with, with his ex, and the unknown with me and he’s afraid of that. So reading this article gave me a little bit of comfort. At first I was so angry with him and tried to get him to see that i was the better choice and that didn’t work at all, but today, after reading this, I text him saying that I forgave him (to rid myself of the anger) and asked him to forgive me for my wrong doings as well and the way I reacted (hopefully to clear up that percentage of the time he doesn’t like me haha). I put myself into the position to not be is enemy, but be a friend and continue to be there for him and still build on the connection we have. he said that out of everyone he’s ever been with, he was the most remorseful for hurting me because i am an amazing woman and i didn’t deserve the hurt he put me through and when i said i forgave him he said “you don’t know how much that means to me and i appreciate you 100%” I did all of this to help myself move on but also in hopes that in the future, when he doesn’t feel so confused anymore, we could get back to building what we had. not that i plan on waiting around, i just am curious to see what could happen when all of these stressors don’t exist. I am making some big changes in my life that i am focused on like graduating college and moving to florence and i know he thinks i’m too good for him because all these things are happening for me and the things he wants aren’t happening for him right now and he doesn’t want me to worry about him, but i believe in him and while i am hurt that he lied to me, i honestly don’t think he was trying to hurt me intentionally, he’s just in a transition stage and has made a lot of decisions out of his feelings of desperation. I just tried to lean beck like you said, I apologized to him for getting angry and tried to clean up the mess of me trying to keep him from making what i think is a big mistake, and i’m letting him make it and realize it himself. By doing this i feel like i have the power because of how much my forgiveness meant to him. I think it’s also telling that he sees that being with his ex is what he wants right now while he’s feeling down but also contemplates that when its all figured out a possible future with me could be bright. I don’t know if this is wishful thinking, if i am setting myself up or if i was mature and did the right thing in this situation. but I wanted you to know that this article, and writing out this response allowed me to be the bigger person and feel better about the situation.

  • If he isn’t ready for any relationship then why did he marry her? Why would he do something so crazy as to marry her a couple of months after getting back with her?

    • He is married to one woman while he string another one along (you). Doe this sound like a good partner to you. He is merely seeking validation from both of you from a place of his own lack and insecurity. The bigger question here is why do you allow him to string you along like this. Regardless, he is married, let him figure it out, it’s not your issue anymore.

  • So when he calls because he always does, the best thing I can do is cut off all contact with him and let him live his life without me.

  • I was with my boyfriend for 3 years when I broke up with him 5 months ago because he didn’t come home. He was supposed to meet up with his ex to see his child. When I called him to pick him up he did not answer any of my calls or text messages. He called me the next day asking me to pick him up. I was angry and I packed his things and moved him out of my house. He says he didn’t do anything wrong. We talked off and on for that month and he wouldn’t explain to me what happened. I was in the dark. I decided to do no contact. In that timeframe, I found out he moved back in with his ex. We started talking again off and on. He said he was mad that I didn’t give him a chance to explain before I moved him out so he went back with his ex. He said he is not sure if things will work out with his ex and wanted me to wait. I told him I couldn’t do that. We stayed in contact the next month and a half and found out he married her. I couldn’t believe it. He was just telling me to wait for him and now he marries her. I asked him why he married her and he said he didn’t know, possibly for his child and that he does love her because she is the mother of his child. He told me he was confused. He says he wants to be with her but then he doesn’t. He has called me when they have argued or when he needs something. The last conversation we had, he said he wanted to come home but could not leave his child like that. As much as I would like to work things out with him, I dont see that as a possibility since he went and married her. Any insight would help. Thank you.

    • Lesson learned. Being reactive doesn’t pay. You have no choice but to move on and let his relationship run its own course.

    • I would stop listening to his words. I think his actions say it all. You are allowing this man to string you along. Start dating others and live your fantastic life. This man isn’t ready for any relationship at the moment is the way it sounds. Live your life Rebecca, for now, without him.

  • Pregnant & confused

    I’m 37 weeks pregnant, the man I am having a child with I love very much. In November his ex (who was his 1st true love) said she was leaving her husband and wanted him back so he broke things off with me. They had saw each other for a time and apparently went back to her husband for her kids,and immediately told him it was a mistake but still stayed with her husband while secretly seeing the guy I’m having a baby with. We since started talking and seeing each other, we really never stopped. I knew that they still stayed in contact but she hadn’t left yet so I didn’t think she ever would. Well he recently give her an ultimatum and she took it and left her husband. She had nowhere to go once she left him and being the good man my ex is he got them an apartment,he said them moving in together was a recipe for disaster and he didn’t have faith in them,but he did in me and him but seeing we were having a child he wanted to be 100 %, and until he was finished with her he couldn’t be 100%. He says if she hurts him again he’ll be done with her. I know he loves me and he misses me and wants to be with me, but he can’t til he gets her out of his heart. Why would he say he has faith in us but not in them if it wasn’t true? What am I supposed to do? It’s only been a week and it’s killing me. Please help me.

    • Because he needs to know for the last time if he ever commits to you that he will never have what ifs in his head. My ex husband explored that one more time with his ex before he decided he didn’t have the same feelings for her anymore. We married a year later. So let him go and let him finish his business. Get my ebook and you’ll get all the support you need in my enlightened community. Likelihood is this relationship will run its course before too long cause most women have no clue of what I teach and that is what works with men. And tomorrow I will interview Marina, so sign up and you can get direct coaching from both of us:

      http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/feminine-goddess-enlightened-relationship-monthly-membership/

      • Pregnant & confused

        I want to wait on him, his wording of things gives me hope such as “the next time I’m with you” and “he has to finish with her to give me his 100 %”. He says he thinks of me all the time and misses me and loves us both, he’s a very honest man, why would he say that if he didn’t mean it when he’s been so honest about everything thus far. Do you think it’ll last long when he told me before they even moved in that it was a recipe for disaster and he didn’t have faith in them?

        • I feel so bad for you. Your health and well being are so important to the baby. I dont want to say anything to upset u more than you probably already are but, what i will say is once you have the baby and your hormones are back to normal, consider leaving him. Not the other way around. Im a single mom, its hard, but know that there are other men who are sure about themselves. My situation sounds quite insignificant in comparison..see above.

          • Pregnant & confused

            I know that that may seem like the thing to do in most situations, but he really is an open honest man. I don’t think he would tell me he felt a certain way if he didn’t. That’s why I can’t just let go of our relationship

        • I understand but being open and honest about acting like a jerk and choosing some woman w no morals, makes him no less a jerk. And the other woman..wth is wrong w her!? Im sorry for u:(. Just take care of you..best as u can. If its any encouragement, i left my sons dad. Takes every eoman their own time to reach their point of no return. Good luck hun

        • No, I don’t think it will last.

          • Well heres a kicker..i saw hom last night. He told me he is unhappy not in love w the ex and asked me if he should leave her. I said thats hos decision. We slept together and no i dont feel guilty considering. Today he and i spoke on the phone, i told him what i want. He chooses to be in the unemotional relationship w her bc shes got money and is his age. I told him i have feelins for him and regardless of how long we have love i want to exp it w him. Well that didn’t matter. Apparently, hes never loved anyone.i have cried all night. Yes im older but i know whats btwn us. He says he has passion for me, loves me sexually, and talking to me. I am dealinh w domeone perhaps devoid of emotion. Im heartbroken

          • If I were you, I’d focus on my baby. Are you sufficient financially? is he going to support the baby? If you have a job and aren’t dependent on him it’s even better cause you can just move on and start dating again when you can. Accept that it’s over for now. He’ll be back but not when you are pining. Have a fabulous life with oriwthout him. Best of luck.

  • I was dating a guy ten yrs younger for four months. We have a natural chemistry and get along well. Never an argument. The final month he started acting distant. Sure enough i got the call hes back w his ex, who ive never heard about mind you, no signs of him being in love w an ex while i was w him. Shes his age. I got very upset let my heart out. Since we have not spoken..been two weeks. He has called twice txted twice and i haven’t responded. I dream about him, i cry missing him. Im already dating bc i have to. My question is do i take the approach like marina. I figured being quiet and letting him go, would let him understand what he wants.

  • Hi.
    I just received a “Dear Jane” letter from the man I’ve been seeing on/off for 3 years. I have always wanted more, but he’s seemed emotionally unavailable, and I didn’t push his boundaries. He wrote that he loves me and always will (he’s never verbalized “I love you” before), but that on a recent trip home, someone who was very important to him, came back into his life. He said he has to see if she is for real. He said he can’t do this with me in the mix, so he can no longer see me. He said when he thinks of me (all the time) he wonders what is he doing. But, he feels like he has to do this. I responded that he should go and explore his past. I am hoping beyond hope that the he does and then comes back to me. Since I didn’t deserve to be told this by email, he has agreed to meet with me so that I can ask questions and so that we can say a proper goodbye. Is there anything I can do aside from just letting him go? Do I need to accept that we are done forever? What are the chances he will come back?

    • Christina, no just hold the door wide open the way Marina did. Sign up for my monthly membership because next weekend Marina and seven other ladies who got their exes back are going to share their experiences. It’s only $47/month for two classes and you can cancel anytime. You don’t want to miss this call. And of course invest in my ebook as well and be a part of my growing community in which you hear of success stories every day!

      • Next weekend is when he and I are having our likely final talk. Were these other women left for by their exes for THEIR exes? What time is the call? Thanks.

        • Not all were left for their exes. Most were dumped cause they acted needy. But same treatments. Tentatively it will be Sunday at 3 pm EST. It’ll be great if you can attend cause it’ll be one helluva class.

          • We met and talked for 3.5 hours yesterday. He said she called him in trouble. She was the damsel in distress. So, he said he made the reactionary decision to help her. He’s bringing her to the US. They didn’t work out the first time because of distance, but now she is willing to move to him. He says he’s so unsure. He says he’s very conflicted. He says he knows he could have the perfect life with me. But, he felt like I was so strong and put together and that she needed help. I tried to tell him that I too have vulnerabilities. But, I knew he’d made a decision. He then said he didn’t know if it would work out with her and that he would be relying on a friend to give him the thumbs up or down about the relationship. I thought it insane that he would bring her here without being sure first. i said it wasn’t too late. .. that he could stop this train he’s set in motion. He said he can’t. So, after another amazing kiss, and acknowledging that we are still both as drawn to each other today as we’ve always been, I gracefully held the door open for him. I’m very sure I left my husband standing there.

            What should I do now? Should I tell him that I need him? He said there’s drama with the other one. Should I make some, too? Or should I let him make the wrong choice? I was as graceful as any woman could be. And I feel like all that will get me in the end is nothing.

            Thanks.

  • Hi. Please help me.. I have been reading your book. And I had a boyfriend last month. Things were going great then out of the blue he broke up with me and went back to his ex gf. His friends talk to me that they don’t like his other ex because she is a user and manipulative. And also my ex told me about her many times that she cheats on him. So I confronted him about that and he ended it with his ex gf coz he realize what is good and bad for him. But we didnt get back together yet coz i know he is still healing and me too. While waiting for him to move on from his other ex gf, I started dating another guy nothing serious just had dinner. I told him about it and he said “have fun !” After that he started ignoring me and I kept asking why. He answered he is with his other ex gf!! And saying that I didnt do anything to make his feelings disappears it just did and maybe we aren’t meant to be. I am so confuse now on what to do. Please help me.

    • Hi Kyala, did you read the article? Let him go and move on with your own life. Getting desperate over him is giving your power away cause it’s not attractive and it won’t make him want you more. Focus on what you want to achieve in life, not what you’re not getting at the moment. Shift your focus, shift your energy. Hop on my Journey Inward please, this program will help you gain so much clarity and calm you down.

  • Hi Brynn, there is not much you can do but moving on and healing yourself. Get yourself back first before you can attract him back. My book and programs especially Journey Inward can help you. I know it’s painful but there’s a lesson to be learned here. You will look back one day and thank the experience.

  • Hi Katarina,

    Thanks so much for all the information on your sites. It makes a lot of sense, and I wish I had come across it earlier.

    I love my ex (he left me 2 months ago and were together for 8 months, but we both commented that it felt more emotionally serious than that timeframe would suggest by the end). He was grieving for an ex who discovered that her leukemia was terminal. While I’m sure there are still elements of the relationship he’s letting go of as well, he says he no longer had romantic feelings for her or desire–he was just deeply affected by the news, especially with it being really uncertain how much time she has left. It really seemed to hit him hard. He asked for a break, and I tried to give him space…but I wasn’t the best at it, and we broke up a month and a half later. He said it was making him feel anxious to be close to me, and to build a bond that would eventually be shattered. He would rather just shatter it now, he said. Being in love was stupid, in his words, and he no longer wanted it.

    He did say that he could see himself coming after me in a while, but he didn’t know what he would want. And since then I’ve made TONS of mistakes. Lots of begging and pleading–and also 2 letters about how this period has been super difficult for me. It really was, especially because we were working abroad in different places over the summer, and it triggered a lot of controlling behavior from me, as well as complicated feelings toward him over the pain this situation has caused me.

    I love him, and despite it all, I want him back. What can I do? I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.

    Please help…I’m starting to feel so hopeless. I want to be able to be the best I can be to give this a shot. But I feel so much pain that I’m not sure I can trust him again, especially given that he will probably be in contact with his ex and understandably dealing with grief over her illness for a long time, though hopefully in a way where he can also be in a relationship later on.

    He’s coming back to the U.S. for a couple weeks later this month (he decided to stay in Ukraine for at least the semester…maybe longer), and we had planned to see each other then.

    Thank you very, very much in advance.

    • We had also discussed marriage, which he brought up in a preliminary way, saying that he could marry me. We also talked about what we’d do after he graduated this year, and we were exclusive almost right away. It was such a head over heels thing…but by the end, I’d really scared him off at a sensitive, terrible time for him.

      I know it might be gone…but I just want to do my best with whatever chance there is.

      • Oh, and he and his ex broke up in June of 2013, so a year and a bit ago. They were together for three years, very messy breakup where she fell in love with her current fiance while they were long-distance.

  • HI Kat,
    It turns out he has been cheating on me the entire time we were together. Though he called for exclusivity over a month ago. Does this still make me insecure?

    • Lesson learned: don’t get easily excited with words of exclusivity. Always check with his actions and trust his actions always. If he doesn’t act like a bf, downgrade him and date others, no question asked. And if you brought the subject up first, it’s probably why.

  • Hi Kat!
    I am going through a tough time. I have been dating a man (two months now) he has been sleeping with a married woman/his friend from march- july 2014. when we met he said they last slept together 2 wks prior to meeting me and they don’t have a relationship and that he is cutting it off. We have been dating for two months now and he’s courted me and things were going really well. I went to turn his phone / ringer down the other night and a msg from her popped up saying happy birthday sexy. can’t wait to see you, so I opened it( horrible of me) and it’s a long dialogue of her sending him crazy sexy messages right up until last week and he responds lol or I am out of the city can’t see you. BUT, he is not telling her he is in a relationship with me and he is not telling her to stop. I asked him if he can tell her that he is in a relationship and for her to respect it ( not that she has much respect to begin with) and he said it won’t matter? It’s all confusing and I feel gross seeing these sexually explicit texts to a guy that says we are in an exclusive relationship. He has not cut her off whatsoever. how can I best approach this, part of me says run and the other part is work on it?

    • Chill the heck out and work on yourself. Two months are nothing. Stop acting like his parole officer already. You’re insecure, needy, controlling and a turn off. Read my book and you will learn to become a woman that a man can’t afford to lose.

  • Julia,
    All my programs will “rehab” you. 🙂 Please sign up for them all, especially Journey Inward.

    http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/the-journey-inward/

    http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/leaning-back-and-cultivating-feminine-mystique-workshop/

    http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/four-components-of-melting-his-heart-group-coaching/

    And start with my book first of course if you haven’t already done so. It’s a process but like many women you’ll get there.

  • Hi Katarina,

    I am no relationship expect and in fact I think I’m just terrible at it and I NEED YOUR HELP!
    I was considering Eric Charles’s “How to get your ex back” approach but I’m already doing that; I am taking a step back and letting my guy come to me with a no-contact order. The problem is, I don’t know if he will really come back anymore.

    Nonetheless, I have noticed that my relationships have followed a single pattern with me being the common denominator and I think the problem is me. I’m too agressive, possesive, masculine at times and simply unable to step back and let any of them lead. I didn’t start dating until I was 22 (and I’m 24) so it has only been 2 years that I’ve really had any real-life experience, and I have to tell you… saying “it’s hard” is an understatement. I’ve lost two really great guys admittedly because of how aggressive I am. As much as I say I don’t want a relationship, that is a lie to mask my insecurities and my inherent fear of rejection.

    Now, this guy (Matt) and I met online. I turned him down initially because we were considering entering some kind of FWB arrangement (even though in the back of my head these things never work). I rejected him because I was talking to someone else who I knew I would be emotionally less attracted to and I could detach easier when our FWB reaches it’s inevitable expiration date. As expected I got sex but I got bored of it and him so I looked online again. Without realizing it, Matt and I linked up again and the connection was immediate! Two weeks after we had been texting (everyday) and he said “You rejected me before, do you want to still do this?”. I explained my side to him and the fact that my rejection had nothing to do with him and that it was more out of my own distrust in my emotions. We proceeded to talk some more and finally arranged to meet. This is where I know I’ve committed the biggest “NO-NO” but I thought it was going to be different!!! We got intimate very quickly just upon meeting and even cuddled after that.

    As with my previous arrangements that involved sex, the guys pulled back. My first two had been seeing other girls on the side and with them, I had a very strong gut feeling that I wasn’t the only one, which drove my insecurities up in high gear. With Matt, however, that gut feeling isn’t there… but he had suddenly began dealing with “personal issues” and kept pushing me away. In the last week, I expressed my concern with him and he would reassure me that “nothing is different between us” but he seemed to need more time. It makes me feel so helpless to just sit back on the sidelines, but again, I’m not his girlfriend so I should really just be able to. Unfortunately, I pushed again yesterday because he said he was sick and I told him, I’ll drop something off to make him feel better. He had another excuse that he was actually away and couldn’t come out to see me.

    At that point, I flipped and told him I got the point and I would have just appreciated some honesty that he wasn’t into me. I said a few other mean things (which I’ve all deleted from my phone now) to which he immediately replied “What are you talking about? My problems have nothing to do with you and I have been nothing but honest with you. All I asked is for some time”. In essence, what started out as an argument in which I was telling him to “Fuck Off” ended in me apologizing to him profusely. He said to drop it and he will contact me when his life is sorted.

    Now, I don’t know what that means but I do know I have no other choice but to wait and allow him to come back (if he ever even will). I’m filling my calendar with things to keep me busy, trips to keep me away, and projects to keep me distracted and occupied. However, I have also come to accept that I have a lot of issues and I need help from an empathetic ear who knows how how to deal with this. Frankly, I think I’m too masculine (so please help me be feminine). Now whether this time is meant for me to fix myself internally for when Matt comes back or for when someone else good comes around, I NEED IT and I need professional help because I don’t want to lose another chance with a keeper and I certainly don’t want to get hurt again.

    Please let me know which of your ebooks/program would help me best in my situation. The one thing that’s different this time from the past however, is that I want this transformation for myself so I can be a better me for everyone around me.

    I look forward to hearing back from you!

    Best regards,
    Julia

  • Hi I came across ur blog and I am so thankful to you for helping me out. I have bookmarked ur website.
    Here’s a thing:
    I went on 3 dates with a man. He was a gentleman, he hugged me ..we did not kiss. Which is a good thing as I want to take it slow.
    The thing with this man is that he is in his mid 20s ..very awkward funny and shy at the same time. On our 1st date he was very slow to ask me out and on our 2nd he was slow too. Now coming back, We had fun on our 3rd date..n he texted me next day morning saying he had fun n hope I did too. I replied saying I did. He sent a smiley. I simply mirrored his msg and ended the convo. Its been 3 days n haven’t heard from him.
    What do I do?
    I haven’t texted him since then because I wanna see whether he iniates. Most of our convos were alternating..that is he iniated ones..then I did. Turn by turn. This time..I just want him to initiate…and be a man…take the lead..but I don’t want to seem uninterested .
    I am not seeing anyone else now as I dont have the time to date 3 men but I am planning to start doing that to get my mind off.

    What do u think I should do Katarina???

    • Take him off your mind. Out of sight, out of mind.

    • Guys in their middle 20s are generally still adolescents. You can’t expect any mature behaviour from them, as they are still in a phase where all they want is to compete with and impress their peers through money, cars, and girls…

    • Hi Katarina,
      I came across your blog on accident a few days ago and i keep coming back to it. I was in a relationship with a guy i had been crushing on for a year, his gf was abusive and overpowering etc and he was already ready to drop her for me. We went out for about a month and then one night he kisses me goodnight tells me hell see me the day after that and then never shows up. I didn’t talk to him for about 3 weeks and it turns out that he had went back to his ex but couldn’t tell me bc he didn’t want to hurt me. If he comes running back should i take him back or should i let him go? What i don’t understand is it took him forever to ask me out but when he finally did it seemed like he didn’t want me he just wanted her. I think he feels like he has unfinished business with her and that he owes her something. If you could give me some advise i would appreciate it.

      • Yes of course he has unfinished business with her so let him go for now but they’re usually back. Get my ebook so when he’s back you know what to and not to do.

  • Hi ..I Would love to talk to you ..You are amazing and thanks for this blog..I really need your help
    I have bee dating my bf on and off for 3 years …he has cheated on me with his ex gf non stop but every time he denied and begged me to come back to me ..anyways again we broke up again 2 months ago because i was sure he went back to his ex ..after one week he had started to stalk me ..call and text me but i never answered ..then finally 2 weeks ago he came to my house at 3 am in the morning ..he started to cry and beg and said he want to be with me forever ..and he said i was wrong he was not with his ex …I took him back after one week ..i feel discomfort under my belly and I got wired discharge for the first time ..
    I went to my doctor , she examined me for std ..I told my bf that i mm not feeling good so my doctor suggested both us go for std test..at first he said :
    he is sure about himself then he accepted to come …then he suddenly canceled and didn’t come .. then he called the same night and yelled at me that i was the one who is sick and cheated on him .. and he is sure about himself an if he is sick he got it from me ..
    next day he came to my house took all his things and broke up with me …and no contact at all ..
    After 4 days My result came back all negative and i sent him a text that my result came back negative …but he never answered me … the point is he didn’t even want to wait for my result to came back and just freaked out and run away and blamed me!!!!!
    it has been 10 days and he hasn’t contact yet …and i feel guilty …by the way this is the first time he is ignoring me like this time is really the end …
    because every time we broke up before he was the one who start the conversation 🙁
    what do you think dear …/??? i m sure he came back to his ex again and he was looking excuse.. what should i do ? should i call him ? maybe he thought i was lying about the test was negative … please give me advice .. thank you very much

    • Sara, it seems that this relationship is too much drama. Check your own contribution in it. Please read my book and shift your energy. Heal whatever it is inside of you that tolerates this kind of situation with a man. My Journey Inward program will help you a great deal. Lean back for now.

    • Hi hun,

      Please leave that guy. Not worth ur time. He is playing u!

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