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feeling stuck in relationship

Feeling stuck in relationship is more common than you realize.  The relationship is too good to leave, but too bad to stay or it’s not bad enough for you to pull the plug, yet not good enough for you to keep investing at the same amount of emotional investment.  It’s not a fun place to be in, for sure.  You only feel stuck cause many of you treat relationship as a black-and-white thing discounting the fact that he’s already treating it with so many shades of grey that you are against in the first place.  He has the freedom to treat it as such while you are bound to the “loyalty covenant” you create for -and exclusively only for- yourself.  A terrible move there, girlie.

 

Many of you are confused cause you are too scared to lose the so-called boyfriend when you respond to his half-assed investment with a semblance of interest on or inviting interests from other guys.  You are too hung up on his great potential, if only he would give you more attention, time, and treat you like a man in love would.

Instead you settle with not hearing from him for days on ends, or seeing him once or twice/week, him not spending most weekends with you or him not spending most of his free time with you.

A guy who is fully committed to you would love to spend as much time as possible with you.  If not, it’s not a real problem either if you accept his level of investment and adjust accordingly which means you aren’t bound to him exclusively.

Admittedly, the amount of spending time together or communication might vary from couple to couple, but one thing I know for sure: a man in love who is fully committed to you won’t make you wonder about him all that much cause he’ll step up to fill up those gaps between time spent together with either consistent volunteer checking-in (before you even have a chance to initiate contact) so you will get informed of each other’s activities and he will make sure he spends his free time more with you than anybody else in his life.

If you wonder more about his absence than being fully occupied by his presence, there is something wrong with this picture and you know it…

Yet since you’ve been following what I teach, you don’t dare to say anything like you did in the past because you have seen how well it worked.

It didn’t.  It might even have caused the breakup and now you’re “back together” you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

His readiness still stays the same.  You have learnt to lean back and not nag and he’s been stepping up more and more…

Yet it’s still not enough.  He still prefers spending some or most weekends with the boys or his family, excluding you.  He still goes off a few days in a week without saying anything.  He still hasn’t spent the night at your place or vice versa.  And to add insult to injury he misses all the important days/holidays to you.

He still feels casual to you and he does treat you casually, doesn’t he, if you’re honest to yourself?

The problem is you think he’s a boyfriend material (he’s got great values you share, he’s affectionate when you’re together, he’s great in bed, he’s smart and funny, he has a great job and a PhD) so you don’t want to rock the boat for the risk of losing him again.

And you believe that if you rotate him he will break up with you cause he has “claimed” you, at least verbally and you know he’s not on dating sites.

So you want to know how to solve this situation and make him step up more without saying anything or giving an ultimatum.

I have given a hit class before why talking doesn’t go very far with guys.   However, if you aren’t happy in relationship and don’t get what you want, how does he get the message if you never say anything?

Just because you nag no more it doesn’t mean you can never communicate your displeasure of the situation.  You still communicate, not with words, but distance.

With what??

Yes, distance.  Supposed my boyfriend had been elusive, here are the steps I’d take if I’m displeased about the state of our relationship:

  1. I pull back. I get quiet. Why do you think men pull away? Cause it’s the language they instinctively understand.
  2. He’ll notice (he can’t not notice because I’m usually a bubbly person) and ask what’s wrong?
  3. I’d say “are you sure you want to hear it?” So you can talk when the initiative comes from him, that will ensure his receptivity.
  4. When he says yes then I’d present my case “I just feel alone a lot in this relationship. I’m wondering if you want to take it even slower than this so we can go back to being casual with each other?”
  5. He’d perhaps ask “what do you mean?”
  6. Then you can answer: “Do you still want to see other people? Considering we barely spend time together and you barely call me in between seeing me, it might be solution to our situation.”
  7. See what he says.

Here’s the thing though, I will NEVER have a problem like you guys about downgrading a man without notice. I’m a natural stray cat if I’m not being taken care of like I should be. If a man isn’t fully in I won’t and can’t be either and I’m among those who naturally do this without shame and guilt.

This is why I never was in a situation many of you are for an extended period of time cause my tolerance for this is extremely thin. I am so easy to lose….and it’s fun to be that easy to lose.

I won’t feel the need to tell him anything since he’s telling me through his actions that I can take matters into my own hands.

He’s telling me through his lack of communication that he could care less if other guys occupy my free time.

He’s telling me through his absence that he could care less if other guys pick up the slack.

He’s telling me through his excluding me in a lot of his life that other guys could include me more in their lives.

He’s telling me through his keeping me at arm’s length that other guys could fill in the gap and steal my heart.

He’s been telling you this yet you are too deaf to hear it.

So I’ll let him do whatever he wants and I’ll do whatever I want.

Everything is fair in love and war. He obviously feels it’s fair to treat you like a casual lover even though he tells you you are his girlfriend.

So mirror his lack of concern: it should be fair to put him in the rotation even though you agreed with him when he claimed you verbally. He doesn’t take his own words very seriously and neither should you with him.

The taste of his own medicine is the only language a man understands….

So in this scenario, I would have rotated him many times anyway (and no I’d do it on the spot when I realized he was not acting like a bf) and because of that I’d be naturally less available and less invested (this energy is hard to fake).

So thanks to that commitment I make for myself (loyalty for myself before anyone else), he wouldn’t have been acting this way for very long in the first place cause most guys -if they’re into you- would step up when they realize they no longer have a hold of you.

If, by any slight chance, things remain the same, he would notice my distance and ask the question above. Then I’d tell him what I wrote above. But if you are too scared to rotate without telling him first (a sign of being a one-down in relationship) then you can do the distancing first but if you just trust me, really….rotate his ass first without notice!

You might not have to go through the talking anyway cause he would notice the shift in your energy and adjust accordingly right away.

I will address this very important aspect of communicating with men (how to communicate with distance) in my ongoing Module 2 Understanding Men and Four Components of Melting His Heart new program: Feminine Magnetism, The Art Of Being A Woman That Enraptures A Man’s Heart.

It’s still not too late to get a special lower rate for this very important and most comprehensive coaching program I give to date. Even though it will incorporate three earlier programs I have given: the Journey Inward, the Leaning Back Workshop and Four Components of Melting His Heart, it will include a lot of new material like responding with distance as the article suggests.

Other aspects that you will love so much out of this coaching program is how to cultivate emotional attraction with a guy or your man so you will never have to feel stuck ever again in relationship like many of you suggest in your posts in the secret group.

I will have a free class on feminine magnetism around Valentine’s, so stay tuned or subscribe to my mailing list to be kept in the loop. And also look forward to the next installment on aspects of feminine magnetism that is often asked and a source of confusion to many of you that will be addressed in the group coaching in depth.

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