What Dating With Dignity And Dating Without Drama Is All About: The Plight Of The Alpha Female
Much like dating without drama or dating without dignity, my method assures your dignity remains intact always. Men don’t forget women like this very easily and women who practice these methods of dating without drama or dating with dignity don’t remain single very long.
Ruby feels after two months of dating, he should want to move the relationship forward but so far he only sees her once a week with not much communication in between. She is thinking of walking away because she feels so attached already. This is an interesting behavioral pattern of an anxious-avoidant. She wants things to get deeper -and can’t wait for that to happen- but at the same time she’s scared to get deeper herself without assurance/guarantee that they are a couple (I’m sure you’re familiar with the whole routine here).
“So, great date Friday night. Nice dinner, then we went to my place and watched a film. Fooled around. He showered me with compliments, I felt he was really present. When we said goodbye he said “talk to you tomorrow”. Then I did not hear from him yesterday. I’m confused because this doesn’t feel good. It’s been almost 6 weeks. In past relationships where there has been a similar level of intimacy, attraction and interest, a momentum builds due to communication and frequency of seeing each other. Trust builds, too, when people do what they say they will do.
Communication is key here. I get that I’m getting emotionally attached here, but isn’t that natural? Isn’t it right to have a flag go up if a guy doesn’t keep his word? As women, are we always to lean back and just accept whatever he does, even if it doesn’t work for us? Feeling conflicted. And yes, still dating other guys, but no one has compared. Is it ok to communicate to him somehow that I love hearing from him?
It’s always on his terms which makes me feel a little like a puppet. It seems like a tricky tightrope to strike the balance between being true to yourself and letting him lead, if it’s not something that feels good to me. You know? This is hard, Katarina! It’s hard because I am a go-getter, a director, an over achiever and I’m wickedly smart. I also had a VERY insecure childhood which left me with a lot of anxiety as an adult, and insecure attachment. I WANT TO FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE! I’m just faced with a lot of emotional stress when I try.”
A lot of women have a problem with following a man’s lead and often come up with an argument like the last paragraph.
And of course a lot of women will communicate what they want or need to the guys they date just because they feel justified with how well things have been and they are ready for more and they can’t wait. If they don’t, they feel they are being inauthentic or even worse a pushover giving the men “all the power to dictate everything on their own terms.”
Then what follows is usually the men telling them they are not ready, or they don’t want a relationship or they want to take things slow or they are still feeling burned by their previous relationship or ex or a combo of those answers.
And then the women usually become reactive and take offense that they are not “good enough” to “deserve more” than whatever these guys are capable of giving at the moment so they usually give an ultimatum or walk away hoping these guys will chase them or give them what they want only to find themselves nowhere near ready to pull the plug thanks to the strong attraction and attachment. This is dating with drama.
Everyday in my job this scenario is repeated over and over with different women who are looking for answers on how to deal with this issue.
There are a few things that warrant serious scrutiny here:
1. How can you feel so deep about a guy who keeps a safe distance from you, who only sees you once a week and with little communication in between? Isn’t it your own wishful thinking of his potential instead of who he actually is magnified in your head with more wishful thinking? That’s what makes you over-invest in any guy, because you keep fantasizing about what it could be instead of seeing it for what it truly is.
And this is actually common among women who are avoidant (emotionally unavailable) themselves. They fall for the guy exactly because he’s safe and distant. Say for whatever reason, he’s so sure about wanting a relationship with them, I bet they’ll run for the nearest hills cause “he’s just needy” or “possessive.”
You are not ready yourself for anything serious.
I know I wasn’t when I first met my ex, having just been out of a 9-year relationship but I thought I wanted a relationship. So I was gravitated to him because he was safe and distant because I needed the distance myself to sort my head out and regain and enjoy my independence. But of course I didn’t know back then. Hindsight is always 20/20. Ruby, having just broken up from her boyfriend only a less than a year ago, is exactly in that stage.
2. Bringing the talk only makes you appear presumptuous,dramatic and pushy. He speaks to you clearly of his “intentions” (and all those things you require from a man) with his actions. He hasn’t included you much in his life. It’s because he doesn’t want to or he’s not ready for that. You telling him what you think he should do or what you want isn’t going to make him grow more liking toward you or want to come closer to you. It’s in fact the total opposite. If the thousands of women who find me thanks to this junk advice of bringing up the talk are of any indication, it’s really a waste of time and energy to even contemplate doing this.
3. You getting all huffed and puffed because he’s not where you are at the moment even makes you less appealing to him. It’s just too much drama (see what Paige Parker has to say about dating without drama). He likes you, he enjoys your company but he feels like you’re making him an asshole for not wanting what you want exactly when you want it. That is pretty bossy and pushy, isn’t it, now that someone puts it that way?
If a guy isn’t giving me an indication that he’s ready for anything hot and heavy I’ll feel so icky and awkward about bringing this subject up with him. It’s like asking a colleague if she/he has STD’s. It’s none of your business. He’s having his boundaries and I’m stepping all over them because I feel justified to feel how I feel for whatever reason I hold in my head. A lot of women do that and they are not getting what they want cause it shows a lack of decorum and it is plain reactive and unattractive. It smacks desperation. He wants a prize, not a desperate housewife wannabe.
You lose a score or five in his eyes, that’s why he’s reluctant to run after you. Putting a guy in a corner never works. Most men stay away from drama.
You are allowed your own pace but until he is on the same page as you, it’s really futile to force your pace on him. Why isn’t he allowed his pace? What is the purpose of this drama prone guilt trip imposed on him? It’s only two months after all, not two years!
4. “Everything on his terms” is following and trusting his leadership in my book. If you aren’t comfortable following a man’s lead, then you are not cut out to be with a masculine man -which entails MOST MEN. And if you have seen repeated same problems in your previous relationships, it’s time to change that mindset or stay trapped.
5. You don’t want a guy who does things because he has to anyway. In the long run, you want him to want to do all those things because his heart, his love and adoration toward you compel him to do so, not because you tell him to do so or threaten him.
You want to be a high-value woman in his eyes so you gotta stop all these chasing behaviors (yes bringing up the talk is chasing) that are simply not high-value and downright pushy, needy and masculine. Yes you are an alpha female but if you want an alpha male, you gotta at least act beta with him.
What you have to do is to manage your investment and attraction. Yes they are actually manageable. Use your single card, that is what rotation is for. Find a few guys who are just like him and you will never have to so get ahead of yourself or any guy.
My method assures your dignity intact in every situation. Even when he’s not ready or he’s not the one, when you move on he won’t easily forget a woman like you because you leave such an imprint in his mind. You impress him so much. He has never met a woman like you: so dignified, so cool, so mature, so soft, feminine and non reactive. And if there is ever a chance for both of you to have a relationship in the future, you’ll be the first whose door he knocks on. But of course he has to be real swift because a woman like you doesn’t stay single for very long.
That recognition from any man will further strengthen your self-esteem and you will see that there is no need for all these anxiety induced expectations and expectation induced anxiety whatsoever.
A high-value woman doesn’t have to play hard to get (if that means making him jumping through hoops) but she surely is very easy to lose.
This is what dating with dignity is all about. It’s a terrific training ground for your personal growth. Now to go further along on the path, you won’t want to miss my Journey Inward and Four Components Of Melting His Heart group coaching through which my client Chrissy managed to melt her man’s heart so much even before the end of the program that he proposed!
UPDATE: Ruby just got engaged on August 18, 2015 (engagement no. 25 in 2015), not to this one but the guy after him! She practiced what I told her on this article on him and it worked like a charm. Congrats, Ruby. You too can be my next!
Have you read my book yet? If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them. And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now. If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters. This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman. You can also be irresistible like my client Arida and get him to step up and claim you by attending my Journey Inward group coaching.
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