What Dating With Dignity And Dating Without Drama Is All About: The Plight Of The Alpha Female

how to mirror a man

Much like dating without drama or dating without dignity, my method assures your dignity remains intact always.  Men don’t forget women like this very easily and women who practice these methods of dating without drama or dating with dignity don’t remain single very long.

Ruby feels after two months of dating, he should want to move the relationship forward but so far he only sees her once a week with not much communication in between.  She is thinking of walking away because she feels so attached already.  This is an interesting behavioral pattern of an anxious-avoidant.  She wants things to get deeper -and can’t wait for that to happen- but at the same time she’s scared to get deeper herself without assurance/guarantee that they are a couple (I’m sure you’re familiar with the whole routine here).

“So, great date Friday night. Nice dinner, then we went to my place and watched a film. Fooled around. He showered me with compliments, I felt he was really present. When we said goodbye he said “talk to you tomorrow”. Then I did not hear from him yesterday. I’m confused because this doesn’t feel good. It’s been almost 6 weeks. In past relationships where there has been a similar level of intimacy, attraction and interest, a momentum builds due to communication and frequency of seeing each other. Trust builds, too, when people do what they say they will do.

Communication is key here. I get that I’m getting emotionally attached here, but isn’t that natural? Isn’t it right to have a flag go up if a guy doesn’t keep his word? As women, are we always to lean back and just accept whatever he does, even if it doesn’t work for us? Feeling conflicted. And yes, still dating other guys, but no one has compared. Is it ok to communicate to him somehow that I love hearing from him?

It’s always on his terms which makes me feel a little like a puppet. It seems like a tricky tightrope to strike the balance between being true to yourself and letting him lead, if it’s not something that feels good to me. You know? This is hard, Katarina! It’s hard because I am a go-getter, a director, an over achiever and I’m wickedly smart. I also had a VERY insecure childhood which left me with a lot of anxiety as an adult, and insecure attachment. I WANT TO FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE! I’m just faced with a lot of emotional stress when I try.”

What You Need Are Steps To Manage Your Emotional Investment

A lot of women have a problem with following a man’s lead and often come up with an argument like the last paragraph.

And of course a lot of women will communicate what they want or need to the guys they date just because they feel justified with how well things have been and they are ready for more and they can’t wait.  If they don’t, they feel they are being inauthentic or even worse a pushover giving the men “all the power to dictate everything on their own terms.”

Then what follows is usually the men telling them they are not ready, or they don’t want a relationship or they want to take things slow or they are still feeling burned by their previous relationship or ex or a combo of those answers.

And then the women usually become reactive and take offense that they are not “good enough” to “deserve more” than whatever these guys are capable of giving at the moment so they usually give an ultimatum or walk away hoping these guys will chase them or give them what they want only to find themselves nowhere near ready to pull the plug thanks to the strong attraction and attachment. This is dating with drama.

Everyday in my job this scenario is repeated over and over with different women who are looking for answers on how to deal with this issue.

There are a few things that warrant serious scrutiny here:

1.  How can you feel so deep about a guy who keeps a safe distance from you, who only sees you once a week and with little communication in between?  Isn’t it your own wishful thinking of his potential instead of who he actually is magnified in your head with more wishful thinking?  That’s what makes you over-invest in any guy, because you keep fantasizing about what it could be instead of seeing it for what it truly is.

And this is actually common among women who are avoidant (emotionally unavailable) themselves.  They fall for the guy exactly because he’s safe and distant.  Say for whatever reason, he’s so sure about wanting a relationship with them, I bet they’ll run for the nearest hills cause “he’s just needy” or “possessive.”

You are not ready yourself for anything serious.

I know I wasn’t when I first met my ex, having just been out of a 9-year relationship but I thought I wanted a relationship.  So I was gravitated to him because he was safe and distant because I needed the distance myself to sort my head out and regain and enjoy my independence.  But of course I didn’t know back then.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  Ruby, having just broken up from her boyfriend only a less than a year ago, is exactly in that stage.

2.  Bringing the talk only makes you appear presumptuous,dramatic and pushy.  He speaks to you clearly of his “intentions” (and all those things you require from a man) with his actions.  He hasn’t included you much in his life.  It’s because he doesn’t want to or he’s not ready for that.  You telling him what you think he should do or what you want isn’t going to make him grow more liking toward you or want to come closer to you.  It’s in fact the total opposite.  If the thousands of women who find me thanks to this junk advice of bringing up the talk are of any indication, it’s really a waste of time and energy to even contemplate doing this.

3.  You getting all huffed and puffed because he’s not where you are at the moment even makes you less appealing to him.  It’s just too much drama (see what Paige Parker has to say about dating without drama).  He likes you, he enjoys your company but he feels like you’re making him an asshole for not wanting what you want exactly when you want it.  That is pretty bossy and pushy, isn’t it, now that someone puts it that way?

If a guy isn’t giving me an indication that he’s ready for anything hot and heavy I’ll feel so icky and awkward about bringing this subject up with him.  It’s like asking a colleague if she/he has STD’s.  It’s none of your business.  He’s having his boundaries and I’m stepping all over them because I feel justified to feel how I feel for whatever reason I hold in my head.  A lot of women do that and they are not getting what they want cause it shows a lack of decorum and it is plain reactive and unattractive.  It smacks desperation.  He wants a prize, not a desperate housewife wannabe.

You lose a score or five in his eyes, that’s why he’s reluctant to run after you.  Putting a guy in a corner never works.  Most men stay away from drama.

You are allowed your own pace but until he is on the same page as you, it’s really futile to force your pace on him.  Why isn’t he allowed his pace?  What is the purpose of this drama prone guilt trip imposed on him?  It’s only two months after all, not two years!

4. “Everything on his terms” is following and trusting his leadership in my book.  If you aren’t comfortable following a man’s lead, then you are not cut out to be with a masculine man -which entails MOST MEN.  And if you have seen repeated same problems in your previous relationships, it’s time to change that mindset or stay trapped.

5.  You don’t want a guy who does things because he has to anyway.  In the long run, you want him to want to do all those things because his heart, his love and adoration toward you compel him to do so, not because you tell him to do so or threaten him.

You want to be a high-value woman in his eyes so you gotta stop all these chasing behaviors (yes bringing up the talk is chasing) that are simply not high-value and downright pushy, needy and masculine.  Yes you are an alpha female but if you want an alpha male, you gotta at least act beta with him.

What you have to do is to manage your investment and attraction.  Yes they are actually manageable.  Use your single card, that is what rotation is for.  Find a few guys who are just like him and you will never have to so get ahead of yourself or any guy.

My method assures your dignity intact in every situation.  Even when he’s not ready or he’s not the one, when you move on he won’t easily forget a woman like you because you leave such an imprint in his mind.  You impress him so much.  He has never met a woman like you: so dignified, so cool, so mature, so soft, feminine and non reactive.  And if there is ever a chance for both of you to have a relationship in the future, you’ll be the first whose door he knocks on.  But of course he has to be real swift because a woman like you doesn’t stay single for very long.

That recognition from any man will further strengthen your self-esteem and you will see that there is no need for all these anxiety induced expectations and expectation induced anxiety whatsoever.

A high-value woman doesn’t have to play hard to get (if that means making him jumping through hoops) but she surely is very easy to lose.

This is what dating with dignity is all about.  It’s a terrific training ground for your personal growth.  Now to go further along on the path, you won’t want to miss my Journey Inward and Four Components Of Melting His Heart group coaching through which my client Chrissy managed to melt her man’s heart so much even before the end of the program that he proposed!

UPDATE:  Ruby just got engaged on August 18, 2015 (engagement no. 25 in 2015), not to this one but the guy after him!  She practiced what I told her on this article on him and it worked like a charm.  Congrats, Ruby.  You too can be my next!

More: There Is A Different Kind of Drama That Makes Him Addicted To You

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.  You can also be irresistible like my client Arida and get him to step up and claim you by attending my Journey Inward group coaching.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Image credit Deposit Photo!

27 comments

  • Hi Kat,

    Your work is SO eye-opening. I have had at least 10 lightbulbs go on and I’ve only been following you for about 4 days! I will recommend you to all of my single friends.

    Anyway, I’ve known my EUM for about 11 years or so (since my undergrad years). We’ve been acquaintances/friends since then but never involved until 2 months ago when we kissed and… fireworks don’t even being to describe. After that he texted me every single day and drove the 1.5 hour distance to see me every weekend so I thought we were both excited for a relationship. A month in, things were getting hot n’ heavy physically, so I said “You know, if things are going to go any farther physically, then it has to be just me and you.” and I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said he wasn’t. I thought I was just telling him what I was comfortable with but now I know that this was a HUGE MISTAKE. His texts slowed immediately and he admitted later that I had freaked him out and “taken all the fun out of it.” He still came with me to a weekend getaway with friends (but he really only knew me) and said he had a great time, but he texted even less and then didn’t call when he said he would when he was in town the following weekend. I felt disrespected so I calmly told him that I felt misled and that whatever we had was over. It’s now been a week since we’ve had any contact. I feel so stupid and I can’t stop thinking about him.

    My question is: do I contact him and apologize for not appreciating his efforts and for letting my anxiety ruin things? Or do I do nothing unless he contacts me? Other advice suggests that I wait about 3 weeks to contact him at all. I am talking with men online and trying to create a rotation but he is clearly my choice. I am also staying busy. Our chemistry is unparalled. Please help! (I think he’s a good man, but he has been divorced for about 2 years, and I think his ex may have cheated on him.)

  • I have searched high and low for a website or book or blog, anything that could help me with the right advice. I’m a single parent, working full time and just doing my everyday life until I met this amazing man in one of my online grad classes. He was the one who approached me and basically was really into how mature and smart and wonderful I was. I quickly developed an attraction for him as well, as I’m very attracted to older, career-driven, intelligent men. Long story short, we texted each other for about 2 weeks, all day and he would even call me in between his breaks at work, he’s a detective. It’s not necessarily that I’m starved for attention or anything (I’ve dated here and there and had finally agreed to be happy on my own and then he appeared in my life).

    Well we met in person, had an amazing date which unfortunately and fortunately led to intercourse, it was so natural and we both agreed that we just had such an amazing chemistry that it felt like we had known each other from a past life, so I didn’t regret the sex at all.

    The problem now is that the next day, I was soo excited to have another free night (which rarely happen for me with my hectic schedule) that I suggested we hang out again to which he politely turned me down. I went out with friends, had one too many drinks (I was feeling rejected and confused) and texted him that I needed something more serious, blah blah blah, eventually went off on him about how all men are players, etc..) Needless to say the next morning I felt horrible and apologized profusely but ever since he has wanted nothing to do with me. He told me he thought I was great woman but that he couldn’t see himself hanging out with me anytime soon. I’ve been so down with myself and in the last 2 weeks, have texted him and e-mailed him a few times and I know he must think i’m desperate and unattractive by now. My question is, is there anything I can do to get him to come back? Or am I beyond repair?

    He’s 34 and I’m 26 by the way. I need to regain my dignity in the process because I know I’m better than what I have shown him lately. I’m soo excited to purchase your book and learn all I can!

    Thank you for your advice in advance!! You’re amazing!

    • Ren, so glad you found me like thousands whose love lives have been changed! Yes what you did was a no no but let the dusts settle. He’ll miss the connection you have. No more initiating contact please and meanwhile have fun and go out and date. Start building a solid rotation.

  • I am so excited to read this book. I am in love with an EUM. We were friends first for years before we became a couple. But as soon as we became an item, I started steering the relationship to the next level way too soon. Yes I admit this now because I was thinking since we were friends already for years what else is there to know. I pushed him to give me a key to his place and started questioning anything and everything. We were only together as a couple for 6 months when I eventually broke up with him. I did the unthinkable and went through his cellphone and found a text message from another woman he recently met at a (of all the places) a club!!! He said they just met and he didn’t have any sexual contact with her. But Im thinking if he were in a serious relationship why is he meeting or getting numbers from other women. In addition, their text conversation was not “just friends” at all. He invited her over to his place before she goes back home (she’s from out of town). She declined (based on the text). After finding this out, I broke up with him and never seen him or spoken to him for 4 months after all his pleads and apologies. Until recently, we have mutual friends and ran into him at a wedding we attended. I’m so embarrassed to say and blame it on the alcohol but we both got too drunk and ended up sleeping together that night. Since then we have met a couple times and are communicating again. I love him and want to be with him but I want to make it right this time. I also don’t want to be with a cheater either so I’m trying to take it slow and see if he is still is the same player he tried to be. I can’t wait to read the book and where it leads me. A few information about me. I consider myself a great catch for any man. Yet I always fall for EUM. Im working on my second Bachelor’s degree and I’m highly independent. I’m not married, never been and no kids. Live on my own and paid for everything I own. Hopefully I can get some insight on what I’ve been doing wrong after reading your book. I found your article on a suggested page I was reading on Facebook. And I am sooo glad I did. I will definitely keep you posted and can’t wait to join the forum on FB. Thanks a bunch.

    Sincerely,
    Lisa

  • Katarina! First off, you are amazing. You have such a deep spiritual understanding of people and relationships and I am so happy to have found your guidance. I’ve been dating a single father of two for 2 months now (he seems them twice a wk and on the wknd), everything has been going really well between us. We are in a relationship, he asked for it and I am letting him court me 🙂 We are both 34 and he brought up our future and how he doesn’t want anymore kids within the next two years, as he has a goal to buy a house for he and his kids in the next two years and he doesn’t want anything to come between him and his goal. Fare game! I support everyone and anyones goals in life. However, he then said he “may be” open to kids after that but isn’t sure so it left things completely grey. To me it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. His actions have contradicted a lot of his words thus far and he is moving things along at a good pace, but this threw me, as I do want one child. He knows I want one child and he said he may not, but he never wants to say never? Again it’s all of these “maybes”. I really like this man, I can feel he is falling for me, by his actions, not his words and this could be amazing, just not one to stick around in these situations if he were really clear. This is a bit of a deal breaker for me. I just can’t get a certain answer out of him. What would you suggest?

    • RB, thank you. Be vulnerable and tell him that kids are your deal breakers so unless he’s open to it you can’t be exclusive with him. Have you read my book yet?

  • Hi Katarina,

    I just wanted your opinion on something. I moved to D.C. in June and hung out with this guy twice who I had known my freshman year of college, but back then he was on the immature side. Things went well and we had snapchatted and texted almost everyday before we hung out and after. Two different times while we were hanging out he tried to kiss me but I pulled away cause I didn’t think I was ready. Looking back on it I feel as though it was rude of me. He wouldn’t have agreed to hang out a second time if he didn’t like me. He tried to kiss me again the second time but I did the same thing. But, when he dropped me off at the metro station I did give him a kiss. I hadn’t heard from him for a week, so I had contacted him basically asking if I did or say something to hurt his feelings, or maybe something was misconstrued. He ended up replying and said: “Oh hey, uhm yea, idk still pretty embarrassed it’s ok”. I reassured him that it was totally fine, and he said “It’s embarrassing for a guy haha” and I said no worries but no response. Then the next day I thought everything was cool so I shot him a text asking if he was free but no response. Then I waited a week, and after getting an opinion from some of my friends, I texted him again making sure everything was good but no response. I thought maybe waiting a week to let him think on it would be enough time… Could it be that he just used the embarrassment thing as an excuse, when in reality he’s not in to me? Or could he be so embarrassed that he can no longer talk to me? Did I hurt his pride, or scare him away? I’d love your feedback! Sorry for such a long paragraph. I know it’s time for me to move on, but just wanted your opinion. He is showing signs that point to not interested.

  • Katrina

    I was referred to your site. I met a man 55 widower 2.5 years after death of late wife, with 15yo daughter, I’m 51 divorced 4 years from 22 yr marriage raised boys.

    We met, started dating, always slow 1x week avg and a phone call or two in between. He was very much persuing and did everything he said, called ahead etc.

    He asked for exclusivity 3 months in. He told me he was like an onion peeling back layers and wanted to see where our relationship could go. He shared how he needed to take things slow because of this being new to him. He is very busy with work etc. I asked if he had time to take the relationship to the next level and he said as we opened our lives to other he felt he did. He had dated several others before me.

    The month following i met his daughter, stayed the night at his home (first person to do that), met his friends went to a party and bbq at his best friends home etc. Memorial day weekend was amazing spent two days there and he really opened up emotionally and told me his insecurities and vulnerabilities, told me how excited he was about out future, on and on all his initiating. I told him that i knew he needed to take it slow but it was hard as I kept feeling like i had to reel my emotions back. He said if i ever had questions to ask he wanted me to feel comfortable. We talked about needing to see each other more.

    Then June happened. He called and said he had a trip June 6-9. I said ok but he didnt make plans to see me like usual before or after. I told him its hard waiting two weeks to see one another. At first it was strained but later he asked how we could solve with his schedule. I told him we could take out a calendar and plan time together. he thought that was good. I then went and saw him that Wed before trip. His friends wife died of cancer that week, same thing he went through. Then the June 12 was late wives birthday and June 29 their anniversary. Plus he has a lot of work stress.

    By now I was feeling frustrated as we saw each other 3x in June. One was he brought is daughter and friend up and we dropped them off an hour from us at a soccer camp. We spent the day eve and next morning of fathers day together. He talked to his 3 adults kids and younger daughter all know of me. I met his 2 older sons once one doesn’t live here and another lives within 2 hours away.

    I saw him the following wee end. But things didnt seem the same to me. We talked one night a few weeks ago, he had tournament for daughter all weekend coming up so that was a mutual frustration as he put it. I had a hard few days dealing with personal issues with older son he knew about, and I was emotionally spent. When he joked about when would life slow down I didnt laugh. He said oh no you’re not laughing. I said i could really use a hug right now and its hard when I don’t get to see you for a couple weeks at a time.

    He has been pulling back. After that call we talked the following 3 days later. Then i didnt hear anything. I called him 5 days later, July 4. I found out he had come home that Mon and had car damage to his car from falling thing on freeway 11k, Then work stress, then daughter and he got in argument about a party she wanted to go to unsupervised, then he said his boss is really acting up who is narcissistic, and to top it off it was the late wife’s wedding anniversary on 29th and he forgot. He said he was really under it but had nothing to do with me. He just needed time to himself as he doesn’t feel happy and has to figure things out.

    So he texted me next Monday and said “Hi trust you are well crazy week doing presentations for my boss i told you about, and (daughters name) has a soccer tournament in Seatlle the weekend, Sorry!!!!”

    I messaged him i had just gotten home later did he want to talk. I wanted to tell him i had a trip planned the following week.

    He called (this past Monday) me and went into a huge thing with me. He talked about his job, how he is really struggling with where he should be focusing life his daughter, job, me. He said he didnt feel like relationship moving forward and his life isn’t a good excuse for getting in the way of it. He said maybe i needed to move in or closer. i told him we were not ready to move in. He said his daughter asked him about me staying the night Memorial day weekend and then asked if i was moving in, he said no and she asked them why is that happening? Then he said it was late wifes birthday and the friends funeral for wife, and he said the last time he was here for the day and a half it was amazing and he was confused as after he left he felt guilty. I asked why and he said because i felt like guilty because of late wis by being happy. He said he needs to spend this weekend away at tournament with daughter to talk to her, he probably needs to go back to counselor he went to because she warned him he may have problems with connecting deep emotionally if he hadn’t gone though acceptance phase completely as there is guilt in that phase.

    Lastly i saw on a blog his daughter mentioned he went to a concert July 4th with a lady. She doesn’t know her or anything.

    Lost, confused, hurt? HELP

    • Kim, downgrade him. It means take exclusivity off the table. He’s not ready or able or willing for that. Stop focusing on a guy’s words. Don’t take them seriously until he backs them up with actions. Please read my book as well.

  • Hi Katarina! I downloaded and read your ebook yesterday and even though I got through it pretty quickly I think it was very eye-opening in that it made me see a lot of the things I’ve been doing wrong with guys!

    Anyways I had actually found your website a long time ago after dating a guy who was definitely an EUM. We broke up and I don’t regret it because I know he was wrong for me… I started dating again last year and I finally met a guy I really like just before my birthday in November. He is extremely cute, charismatic, and sometimes overly cocky, but I find myself drawn to him like nobody else and I have struggled in my interactions with him. For the first 2 months or so, he texted me a lot and we were seeing each other about once a week (a lot considering my job as a flight attendant). I thought things were going so well, and in January when he was away on a trip with some guy friends he actually said he really missed me! My heart was melting! But I made the mistake of mentioning only dating me (albeit in a joking way) and it seemed that things sharply declined afterwards, leaving me feeling insecure and nervous about where I stood. I know now that I surely started giving off the wrong energy and that that could have driven him the other way. We saw each other one more time in January, and one more time in February, and then for a long time I cut him off. He ended up saying he missed me several times, and I finally broke down and restarted contact, only for him to seemingly flake out on plans to see each other (he’d say he wanted to see me but he’d either wait until the last minute and I’d already have plans, or something would come up). I cut him off again, until I decided to text him out of the blue a couple weeks ago. To my surprise he invited me to come to a wedding with him! He ended up not being able to go because an emergency came up with his job, but he came to pick me up at my house and we spent about 24 hours together just hanging out at his house (and yes we were intimate). He has initiated texts with me the last couple days since which makes me feel he IS interested.

    My problem is this… I am very fearful that he only wants me for sex and isn’t truly interested in ME as a person. He was so sweet and kind to me in the beginning and now he acts much more cocky and arrogant towards me. I asked him what he’d think of me if I was having sex with other guys and he said, “Nothing.” He basically said that I’m single so I can do that, but it hurt me because I felt it means I’m not special to him or anything if he doesn’t care about that. I’m also afraid (like a lot of women are) that he is only keeping me around until someone he likes more comes along. I don’t want to be anyone’s second best! My friends and family don’t like this guy based on what I’ve told them but I can’t seem to shake my feelings for him and I’m truly lost on how to handle this situation. I’m a more conservative girl who doesn’t sleep around and would like to be exclusive with one guy, whereas this guy I like seems to be in the young/single/dating mode and not ready for anything serious. I’ve tried to let go several times only to come back to him, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m an active girl with a lot of hobbies and a busy job, and I have other men who like me, but I feel infatuated with this one guy! What do I do!?

    I’m sorry for the long email! Any advice is appreciated! Thanks!

    • Eloise,
      If you don’t want to be someone’s second best, then be the very best. Self confidence is sexy and that is what is attractive to guys and make them to want you more. Your self-doubt and insecurities will manifest the very things you strive to avoid.

      You’re way ahead of him and it’s a kiss of death. He doesn’t owe you anything. You have to date others and stop pining in your heart and mind, no matter how you think you are. This isn’t working for you.

      Please sign up for my Journey Inward you will learn the basic of PROFOUND personal transformation in depth.

      http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/the-journey-inward/

  • Katarina,

    I’m writing about a peculiar situation in which I’ve found myself. About a year ago, a guy added me on Facebook at the suggestion of a mutual friend. A friendship slowly evolved with us messaging on the site every so often. He dated someone for about seven months during that year, and she dumped him a couple months ago. (I later learned that he’s only had a handful of girlfriends, and that they have always either cheated on him or dumped him. He’s never initiated a breakup). Weeks after he and his most recent ex broke up, he began messaging me for hours at a time while I was working on research papers for school. The conversations began to turn flirtatious, and before long we exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up.

    When I drove home after that first evening, he texted me to tell me he thought I was very pretty and asked if he could have kissed me that night. I said yes and agreed to meet up a second time. Things escalated quicker than intended, and we hooked up that evening. While we have spoken every day for the last couple of months, we did not discuss the sex for a few days. When we talked about it, we both agreed we had not intended to escalate things so quickly and that we would like to not mess up our friendship.

    A few days later, during an awkward text conversation, he explained that while he liked me a lot, he was not ready for a relationship. I accepted that, and continued to talk a great deal as friends. While he sends me dozens of text messages a day, he also calls every couple days to talk for anywhere from three to five hours. During the NBA playoffs, he has also been calling me via FaceTime to watch the last few minutes of each game with me and then talk so that we can see each other. He frequently sends me links to videos or articles about things in which he knows I’m interested.

    About two weeks after the “we’re just friends” conversation, we found ourselves in bed together again. He drives up to see me (he lives an hour away), coming into the city early enough that we can hang out, watch movies and play video games together. This became a pattern and we rarely get more than four or five hours of sleep because we can’t stop talking to each other.

    However, a week and a half ago, he sent me a screenshot of a dating profile of another woman, letting me know this was the kind of girl he didn’t want to date. (And also making it clear he was still shopping around). It opened the door, and we discussed what we’ve been doing. He said he doesn’t want to date anyone right now. I asked point blank if he liked me more than a friend and he said no, he didn’t think so. I accepted this, thinking contact would die down. Two days later, we’re messaging on Facebook for nine hours (sending messages every few minutes). Around hour seven, we agreed to be friends with benefits. He came up the next night, and we were back to talking, play video games, and having amazing sex. Since then, he’s called me for another four hour conversation. He’s texted me for two solid hours about an athletic competition he was involved in, then asked me what I did with *my* Saturday night. He called me via FaceTime last night to watch the last five minutes of a basketball with him and his two younger brothers. After the game, I essentially hung out with the three of them for a bit before he went into the other room to talk to me before we went to sleep. It was a five hour FaceTime call. (For the record, he has initiated every single phone call. I’ve left the ball in his court. He initiates roughly 75% of Facebook/SnapChat messages and perhaps 50% of texts).

    During all these lengthy calls, we discuss a little of everything. I know about his many siblings, his previous relationships, how painfully shy he’s been most of his life, his fears, his dislikes, and a slew of things I’ve never covered with guys I’ve been in committed relationships with for six months or more. I’ve answered similar questions and shared stories with him. It’s reaching a point where it feels like he’s becoming my best friend. He likes every other thing I post on Facebook; I’m listed as his second best friend on SnapChat (the other two being a childhood friend and a cousin). He’s asked to hang out with my friends. He’s affectionate, playful, remembers all these little details of things I’ve said, pays attention to my interests…

    This is scary for me because I became emotionally invested. He’s told me he doesn’t like me, but he has invested so much time and effort into getting to know me that my friends (male and female both) have pointed out that his actions do not match his words. We’ve juggled our schedules around so that he can drive up to see me again later this week. He’s even texting me right now, as I type this. What do I do? I don’t want to have the “what are we doing?” conversation again as he’s said he doesn’t like me. What do I believe– his words or his actions? Do I just sit back, give it time, and let it progress organically– or do I cut myself free because of the inconsistencies? One of my biggest fears here, as I’ve told him, is messing up our friendship. He is genuinely wonderful person that I’d hate to lose.

    Any advice you can give me would be deeply, genuinely appreciated.

    • Hi Charlotte, trust his actions and sit back an enjoy the ride. Of course he likes you. It doesn’t mean he’s ready to call you a gf though. Please read my book, and keep your options open. That’s how you protect yourself from over investment.

  • I don’t really know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m getting somewhere then suddenly something goes wrong and we take two steps back.

    A bit of history between us two.

    – We both are in the military living in the same base as each other and live next door. Actually I now live in his room as we had both agreed it was silly living separately when were right next door and it was his idea. Plus we have discussed moving in together end of this year out of base and become recognised as a interdepdant couple.

    – He is going through a divorce. We were friends before we became a couple and I was told that I was not a rebound, he no longer has feelings for her and for the past two years of their marriage they’d been sleeping in separate rooms and his wife had a boyfriend (they are no longer together) that she was seeing but it was only because of their daughter and her attending university that he let them stay and that as soon as she had graduated they went their separate ways. He also had said (cannot confirm whether this is true) that she had told him that she sincerely hopes he would find the right girl for him and that he would treat her right, so not once did I suspect that us being together would be an issue for her. Well I was wrong, as soon as we became official on face book she found out and sent harassing messages to me and my EUM saying that I had wrecked their relationship and all these other nasty things to which I’ve never replied back and blocked her, she even went as far as harassing his sister (who I’ve met), my EUM was still sticking to his story about them parting in good terms and that he had no idea that she would act that way. I believe him.

    – We have had our ups and downs but mainly we have a good relationship. It’s just for the past couple of months every time we ‘fight’ he never lets me talk, he is so controlling, always turns it around on me trying to make him the victim and then kicks me out of his room. It’s like he gets so obsessed about being the one in control that I honestly feel its not really about the fight at all! I hate when he kicks me out, I feel like it gives him a thrill when he does this, it hurts so much that he really can do that and not feel any remorse for doing it. Apprantly he used to put a lock in his other place where he once lived with his ex wife and hid from her when they fought as well. I want to be the girl to break that habit, that pattern his made for himself. I don’t want him to see me as the ‘enemy’ the one he needs to hid from but the one he can be happy with and come to. I’ll never give up on him but there must be another way?

    I write this because yesterday (although not the worst fight we had) I realised enough was enough and that I can’t have him kick me out every time I express something I’m not happy about. It’s like he sees that I’m trying so hard not to pick fights but uses it to his advantage. Now I’ve talked a bit about his faults, now here is mine – yesterday I asked him about this woman that works in the gym that he goes to in the weekends because he had mentioned her to his neighbour in front of me knowing we’ve had a fight about this before.

    Apparently ‘all’ the guys in the army thinks she’s hot and wants to fuck her (sorry for my language but I want to give you a feel of exactly how he said it) apart from him (then why talk about her then???). Oh yeah she’s nothing to look at.

    So he was talking to his neighbour about her in front of me knowing full well that we have had this argument about her before and it wasn’t really a full blown argument, it was like me asking him not to talk to me about her and being so disrespectful, he got pissed off accusing me of being paranoid, jealous and making him out to be the bad guy. Yes I’m jealous but why does he have to talk about her in front of me?
    So even though everything in my head yesterday was begging me not to say something or question him about it but I couldn’t help myself and really honestly thought that he would’ve been mature enough to handle me asking but I was wrong, he instantly snapped and accused me of being paranoid again.

    Anyways I quickly tried to diffuse the situation and said in the calmest way possible that I no longer want to talk about this and went back to washing my car (we were outside in the driveway) so he went back inside his room and I thought that it was over. So after I had finished washing my car I went back upstairs to enjoy the rest of my afternoon with him and he had locked the door! That really hurt me because I honestly didn’t expect that at all! He was punishing me for having a ‘go’earlier.

    So I knocked, he answered and asked him what’s wrong to which he replied, “You hurt my feelings, I don’t feel like arguing with you this afternoon, come back later” I just couldn’t understand why he was punishing me and didn’t care enough just to drop it and let me in because I honestly was not resenting him about it and came back in a good mood! So why??? Anyway I went to the common room where the soldiers play pool and did that for a bit, met one of my friends and just had a good chat. I decided to go back and try again, when I got there it just so happened that he was outside going to get his laundry.
    I came up to him and gave him a kiss hoping that he would let me in and he did.

    It was still kind of tense that evening but we played a game, made dinner and watched some television and I thought that was that.
    I know this is stupid and clearly not a surprise but that night he didn’t cuddle up to me and we always do and he didn’t cuddle me in the morning. I shouldn’t have said anything but I really felt so hurt, so I mentioned it and heis like “you could’ve cuddled me, and I didn’t think it was a problem” he knew full well it was as we always cuddle together and I think it was his way of punishing me as normally after a fight I would have to sleep in the other room but because he let me in that wasn’t happening.

    I really still feel like I shouldn’t have been punished for what I asked. But yes that’s what happened yesterday.

    I know it sounds like I’m whining but I’m getting sick and tired of being afraid to say something, walking on eggshells all the time and have him go off at me. He can get very loud and extremely aggressive up to the point when I calm him down by going up to him to cuddle me he just pushes me off and the worst thing about it is that he thinks it’s like a game to him, his always smiling when we argue but angry at the same time? He always brings up being the one to “win?’ when I don’t care about winning I just want to be happy! He even threatens to break up with me which is so unfair because he knows that’s not what I want but when he does that it’s so I can ‘comply’

    I’m so scared that I’m wasting my time with him, that he will end up leaving me anyway after all this or even worse get back with his wife who won’t stop texting and calling him begging to take her back and all my friends and family tell me I should leave but I don’t want to.

    Please Katarina tell me what I can do? I just want him not to kick me out anymore; just to show some compassion. I have asked him what would happen if we have fights like this when we are actually out of base living together to which he jokingly replied (he was in smart aliac mood whilst I was crying) “I would just go and sleep on the couch, Just pretend I’m going to sleep on the couch!” I can’t date other people because we are exclusive and that’s what his wife did, just started dating other people and not seeing him, cutting off contact is not an option. This breaks my heart having to say this but I honestly feel that if I leave and never call him again that would be the last I hear from him and I really don’t want that. He actually has no friends at all, that apparently he thinks it pointless having friends because he feels the sole purpose of having one is to use them.

    He is a good man, I know how this sounds, we were so great together it really started one day he said something to me along the lines of “Why don’t you ever argue with me? Why do you have to try to pretend to be the perfect girlfriend?” And that day I thought “okay, if I have a ‘problem’ I’ll let him know – and look where that’s gotten me! How do I get him back to being compassionate and not going off on me every other day? Not talking about other women in front of me, yes he’s man and he can talk all he wants but I feel he does it on purpose to bug me and just talk about it to other guys not me!
    By the way the argument example I gave you was not the whole picture, sometimes I don’t have to say anything and he gets into one of these moods like he is purposely trying to pick a fight. He has even said in his own words that he wants to get me angry and see how far he can get me to react (that was a day where he wasn’t telling me who he was going to help move, some guy in the army, which was stupid because it was just a conversation we were having that I didn’t think much about) but was not telling me because of the seeing how angry I could get! Well it got me pissed and that was his cue to suddenly get pissed, make me cry and kick me out, all whilst saying how bad I am for getting angry when he even admitted earlier that he was doing it on purpose!!!

    He even made me hand feed him popcorn and drink whilst we were at the movies that I paid for; we had a good day that day by the way, didn’t give him a reason to get ‘upset’. I didn’t complain about it but I was also embarrassed, he was like “every time before you have a bite of popcorn you must feed me first!” and then when I did that he was like “You make a terrible girlfriend and slave!” He was trying to make it out as a joke but as horrible as this sounds I think he meant it.

    • Militarygal,

      This relationship is drama prone and it takes one to know one. If he’s going through a divorce, no matter what he says he’s carrying lots of baggage. And I see you two butt heads all the time cause you both are in your masculine. So only one can assume the masculine role in relationship and I doubt he will give it up for you.

      Please sign up for all my programs so you can learn more about cultivating your feminine energy. You can’t be both right and happy with him. And though you said you were scared of expressing yourself, you in fact do it a lot and he reacts to it cause he feels blamed, etc.

      It’s a vicious cycle and only you can stop it.

      http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/the-journey-inward/

      http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/leaning-back-and-cultivating-feminine-mystique-workshop/

      http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/four-components-of-melting-his-heart-group-coaching/

      And you haven’t leaned back properly. You’re always ready to confront him on anything and any perceived insult. That’s not the way to go and you can’t expect him to be okay after you pick a fight even though to you it doesn’t seem important. Men don’t operate that way. They can’t switch it on and off at your whim. So next time think hard before picking a fight.

  • Hi, Kat! Thanks for your answer! Don’t know if you remember, but I recently bought your book and told you my story. I’ve been FWB with the alpha water polo player who keeps travelling around with his ex-wife (with the daughther excuse)… I have ended our relationship after 5 months because it was going nowhere. 3 weeks after I told him that, he sent me a link to an article “Can sex ruin friendship?”. We’ve never been friends, but he doesn’t want to let go of the sex part, I think… Anyway, I have to meet him next week because he is bringing me some stuff from USA. I am afraid I will not resist him if I don’t have another option… That’s why I have asked some guys out (2, in fact, and both of them, don’t seem very interested, they are nice to me but always come up with a excuse). How can I create a “circle” by next week?

    • Katarina Phang

      You are in the receptive mode. Apart from keep getting yourself out there online and offline, there is really not much you can do that doesn’t imply a masculine role.

  • Hi, Kat!

    I really loved this article! It was everything I needed to hear. Your advice on managing expectations and using the single card is awesome. However, I am a bit picky! It’s kind of hard to find a guy that I feel atractted to, how am I supposed to find 2 or 3 to keep in rotation? If I have a special guy in mind, can I ask others guys out or do I always have to wait? I have been on Tinder for some months and half of the men want sex right away (just a booty call) and the other half talks for a week or two than disappear… Can I ask someone of this second group out? It’s frustrating to wait for someone you like, but could be even more frustrating to wait for someone you don’t really care, unless for the sake of rotation… Please help how to do this right!

    • Katarina Phang

      Hi Paula, thank you. I wouldn’t advise you to ask a guy out. If he’s not asking, he’s not interested. Don’t waste your time. Keep looking and that’s a problem everyone has online. Don’t give up cause sooner or later you’ll find a gem.

  • Katrina, I followed your advice by leaning back. Maybe I learned back too much. I followed the rules of rarely texting first. This is long distance. I flew to see him [he visited a few months earlier) & he was so excited when I got into town. I played it too cool& didn’t really answer his texts (thinking I would be mysterious). We saw each other at a party & he came up to me but I never made an effort to talk to him. The next day we were at a overcrowded place where he knew a lot of people & I felt out of my element. I was exhausted from all the social interaction & at one point he was asked to go to another event. I told him to just go. He said no, I want to be with you. We went to his place, kissed, & he shared personal info with me. I thought everything was great til he stayed busy the next few days when he came out & said he didn’t like my communication skills or my scene with his friend. This is the first time I made a mistake in a year of communicating with him. I was a brat & acted too aloof. What should I do? How can I get his interest back. I’m in town a few more days.

  • Hi Kat, the reason for my email tonight is because like a lot of women, I have a bit of a dilemma with a man. I’ve been working on myself for a very long time. I’ve been through an extraordinarily rough upbringing with a very violent father and a brother who raped me when I was younger. I do my best to reconcile my woundings with men. I’ve attended therapy, had coaching, have done programs, meditate and try to keep positive about relationships and men and most importantly, myself.

    I have not had much luck with men in relationships either. I’ve chosen men in the past who have had drug or alcohol abuse problems and sometimes were quite violent. It wasn’t until the last guy I dated who was a complete sociopath broke me and I saw this as a blessing in disguise and learnt that no matter how painful a situation is with a man I can love myself and walk away if I need to to be true to myself. Anyway, back to the present situation.

    I’m sort of with a man now who I really care about. We met one day in October last year during a particularly tumultuous week- a good friend of mine had just died in a freak accident and I was on a role living it up to a) ease the pain and (b) remember life is short. He was also on his way out of relationship with a woman who was an ice junkie. So we had an initial attraction but I just didn’t see him as a fit for me because I was so used to being in the presence of men who created drama (and to my responsibility I must have also thought that this was the correct way of behaving). I also wanted to add that I got asked out by 8 different guys in the same week and dated them on rotation.

    He wanted to date me straight away but I said no as I wasn’t interested in having anything but sex at that point. Long story short, we had incredible sex (and still sometimes do) and it was only after that that I thought maybe there could be something more. He’s not my boyfriend, he says that we are just friends getting to know each other and that he wants to take it slow, that he doesn’t have time in his life for a relationship and he still wants to heal from the last one he got out of. That’s fair enough.

    I’m a busy woman and I’m very focussed on my studies, my creative projects and other things. I’m not fully immersed in him but often I get that whole anxiety thing about whether or not he’s with anyone else (he says he’s not due to time restrictions) because he’s technically not committed to me, even though he gives to me wholeheartedly and treats me like I’m his girlfriend (he hasn’t said I love you- yet?) I know that he can have sex with other women and I can have sex with other men. We spoke about this once and he said he’d be annoyed if I was dating/having sex with other guys and he doesn’t want to think about it, yet he won’t commit. He even said today that he thinks that I’m quite expensive (no he wasn’t really saying that in a high maintenance way, he was talking about my character).

    I’m having a hard time with this because I don’t really want to date anyone else, my life is pretty full as it is with him in it and everything else that I have to do and at the same time I’m really struggling with reminding myself that it’s going to be okay and that I’m a worthy and beautiful goddess deserving of a man’s love. I also don’t want to sabotage what I have with him by hurting him if he finds out that I may be seeing other guys.

    I’m considering the option of buying your book for the time being (I’m a poor student and this is all I can afford right now) and hoping that this can help. I’m not a complete pleb to healing myself but I really feel like I’d like to be with this man because he’s very special. The other option I was considering was coaching. What do you think would be the best options for me based on what I have mentioned in this email?

    I hope you can help me finally heal my last remnants, I’d really like to move forward with my life peacefully.

    With Love,

    Selena

    • Katarina Phang

      My Journey Inward will help you a great deal cause you have childhood wounds so deep that it’s blocking you from getting into a healthy relationship. You can definitely start with my book as well. He said he’s not ready, how does he do otherwise? Does he see you a lot? If you are still anxious, you have to build a solid rotation, no matter what he says. Dating around will also help you heal faster. Please follow me on FB so I can add you to my group.

  • Dear katarina,

    wonder what you think about this one …

    My guy and I connected deeply, and I mean deep! He’s a true alpha male, the leader of his giant circle of friends, the one who fixes everybody else’s life and business. The same guy would be soft and vulnerable with me … and he shared his inner struggles and emotions in less than a month of being together. We found each other, right? Until he freaked out and said he wasn’t ready for a relationship (of course). I was hurt but kept my cool as best as I could and we got back together a few months later, but not for long. I should probably add that we were both going through divorce procedures but had been separated from our spouses for more than 1 year (longer in my case).

    At that time (kind of back together but not really) he shared everything. His biggest fears, his most vulnerable sides, his deepest struggles, his darkest emotions, the way he truly feels about himself on the inside (“a failure”) … I know it all. At times I wasn’t sure whether to give in to my angry feelings or just simply cry because what he shared was really painful to hear 🙁 Did I mention he really is an amazing guy bit he just can’t seem to accept himself the way he is at this moment??

    I listened, and I did not judge, and I did my best to take myself out of the equation in my (requested) feedback. He said my responses were ‘high quality’, he was appreciative, thanked me for not turning my back on him. Until I really had no choice but the pull away ever so slightly to shield myself from the relentless negative energy he kept bringing to the table … it was sucking the life out of me!
    Apparently that was the signal to go find someone else and now he tells me I have a place in his heart but he can’t be with me because I know him too well and we shared too much. He tells me I know parts of him he doesn’t want to bring into a relationship and therefore he won’t be coming back. He wants to be with someone who is not on “my wavelength”, does not have my style or my experience, someone who does not connect with him the way I did … and to sum it all up the new woman fits in quite nicely with his current life, his friends and where he’s at at the moment. Let’s face it, if someone tells you the above there is nothing left to do but to say that I was happy for him even if it CRUSHED me inside … 🙁

    In a way I get that he wants to “reinvent himself” and a new woman is the perfect way to do so. In another way … I simply don’t get it. He trusted me enough to show me his biggest struggles, he was comfortable enough to share his dark side and trust I wouldn’t run away … and then he runs away himself?

    Uhm, help? I would LOVE someone’s opinion about this one!

    S.

    • Katarina Phang

      S, he’s NATO: talk only no actions. From now on just trust his actions. If he gives his BS excuse the way he did, just downgrade his ass without notice. Have you read my book yet?

  • Hi Kat

    I’d appreciate it if you could point me in the right direction. i’ve had a very ‘drama fuelled’ on-off relationship with a guy for four years. Each time we break up he comes back. Most of the break-ups in the past were because I found he was on dating sites and I did my nut. Recently we got back together. I’m sick of the ‘yo-yo’ rollercoaster ride. How do I undo all the damage I have caused in the past? He has made noises about moving our relationship forward but I still always feel like I’m the one rowing the boat, when I pull back he gets upset because he thinks I’ve got someone else on the go!! And yet in the past it was him chasing women on the internet, although it appears he never actually met any of them. What the hell was all that about?!? I don’t know if he is serious about me (it’s been four years and we’re not even living together, which isn’t what I want but realise forcing the issue isn’t going to work) or if I’m being used as company at the weekend?!/

    I’m confused as to how to turn this situation around. In the past I’ve been a complete bitch and completely stupid with it. Any advice?

    Many thanks
    Reese

    • Katarina Phang

      Reese, you are the typical alpha female who is always in the power struggle with men just like Ruby in this post. Please stick around and learn about my revolutionary ways. And of course my book will also help a great deal.

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