Is It Really A Communication Breakdown Or Are You Trying To Fix Him?
Many women self diagnose their relationships to have communication issues. They are looking for way to improve communication in a relationship. What women often see as a communication breakdown, men see the woman as nagging. Accept what is and work around it and if you are not happy, leave. Don’t stay and try to change him. STAY AND CHANGE YOURSELF, instead. That’s the only way it’s going to work.
“Hello, my name is Francine. I decided to ready your book based on all of the positive feedback I saw it was receiving, and also from what is going on in my own personal dilemma. I found you when I was just looking up ways to deal with issues I am currently facing because I feel as if I am ready to throw in the towel in my relationship. When I came across your website I found it more and more interesting and thought, why not give it a try. I haven’t added you on Facebook due to the fact that I will be deleting mine, I just haven’t gotten around to it. So I figured I’d just email you here.
Well a quick overview of my situation. I am 25 years old and have been with my high school sweetheart for 10 years. Our relationship has been a blessing and has had also had its difficulties. I do feel we have made it this long because of our trust and loyalty to one another, we are very close.
However, our major setback is communication. It has been the primary reason we have ever broke up, which has been a few times. We both see things differently and feel the need to be respected, heard, and appreciated. I do think we both take things too personally and that’s where our bad communication sets in. We fight over the most trivial things and let them linger for days and it just blows into an argument that most times don’t start over anything. It causes stress because we do this a lot.
That’s where we start to become distant. At the end of September we didn’t talk for 2 weeks and my boyfriend felt he was wrong because he initiated us not talking and how he dealt with it. Also, because I feel the need to talk about all of our issues because communication is a big deal to me. To him, he’s ok with just letting things go.
So we bump heads on how we handle what we feel and communicating. So everything was ok for a week after that, we discussed our problems and went forward. Then a week later we got into another huge fight because of bad communication again.I need to learn how to improve communication in a relationship.
Ever since then he has said he just doubts our relationship and feels we will fail because it’s the same thing over and over again on both ends. He has been so standoffish. I’m not used it, he’s usually loving and affectionate. Now he’s very cold and distant. One day he’d be acting like the boyfriend I was used to, and the next act like my friend and like he didn’t want to be near me, no matter how hard I was trying.
He’s saying he’s not sure if he wants this completely, but on the hand he does because he really loves me. He then also said he wants to maybe focus on himself and figure himself out but he’s not sure of he should take the risk because of us.
I feel like I have been doing all the work, trying to get him to see that our relationship is worth it and get him back to the old him. It’s just not working. It’s been about a month now of this. I also gave him the choice to do what he needed, but to not guarantee that did be there like the last time because I don’t want to keep wasting time breaking up and rebuilding.
He got mad and said for me not to try to make this choice for him. So I just feel stuck cause he hasn’t broke up with me, yet he won’t try with me to work on what we both messed up. Well last Friday I called him and he hasn’t answered my calls since. So I stopped calling him Sunday. He has done that before where he stops talking with me when he feels strongly about something, is upset, or going through his own things. That irritates me so bad.
I think his feelings are a mixing maybe finding himself, doubting us because of our communication, and it’s causing stress. We also had a break up from January to April this year. We had agreements as to how we were going to do better but this is where we are at now. I’m not sure if I should give up or hold onto something that means so much to me. I just feel lost.
I do want my relationship to work out, but I hate feeling like I’m doing it all alone and he’s not doing anything. Sorry this is so long. I hope your advice and book can give me insight as to how to get back to a better place. I’ve been emotionally down for awhile, feeling random anxiety, rejection, and loneliness. I hope it can turn around for the best. Thanks for your time.”
I have dealt with a quite a number of women who are feeling stuck in their relationship. It’s too good to leave, yet it’s too bad to stay. And the same issues keep recurring and each time they happen they get worse and worse thanks to the unresolved same issues they dealt with previously. The resentment and desperation caused makes it even harder to break the vicious cycle.
It is now no longer a communication problem. It is a lost connection issue aggravated with one person feeling pressured to change to accommodate the other person. She doesn’t need to improve communication in her relationship, she needs to learn to manage her own emotions.
What to do?
You say that you feel the need to talk about all your issues because communication is a big thing for you.
What you consider as “communication” has turned into nagging in his eyes. Yep, you are nagging and trying to impose what you feel the right things to do on him. And no man, I repeat no man, will respond to that. Nagging is the number one reason why men check out from a relationship or are showing signs of emotional unavailability. Sometimes you really just have to let things slide. How stressful is it for you to always want to be right each and every time and who in the world will feel safe around someone like that?
When you dwell on every little thing and discuss it to death in the name of communication, you’re only going to lose in the long run. He will stonewall/shut down and you are losing his affection as it’s clearly happening now.
So what’s happening here are twofold:
1. You have expectations on how he should behave and when he doesn’t meet your expectations, you become reactionary. You can’t see any other way hence you are stuck in that unproductive pattern. Change your perspective, so you will change your feelings and response and over time you will change how he responds to you as well and change your relationship. Be okay with what is for a change and see how he will respond better to you.
2. You operate so much from your masculine of trying to direct him and the relationship. You assert yourself too much because your expectations aren’t met. Stop doing all that that has been proven not to work and learn to cultivate your feminine energy instead. Allow him to be himself. Your constant worries and harping on communication or wanting to talk about your issues are equal to criticism to him, namely that he can’t make you happy. And a guy wants a woman he can make happy.
He’s pulling away and blowing hot and cold because of this. He can’t stand your pushy, controlling and anxious energy. A man won’t want to feel closer to an unhappy woman who is so quick to point out how he makes her unhappy. Use feeling messages if you must to air your discontent and grievances, yet you still need to do the work so you don’t become so reactive each time you don’t get your way.
Only inner work can save your relationship.
And I have designed three hit programs just to help you heal and deal with your own issues: Journey Inward, Four Components of Melting His Heart and Leaning Back and Cultivating Feminine Mystique Workshop which are now merged into one big program called Feminine Magnetism, The Art Of being A Woman That Enraptures A Man’s Heart. There are 5 modules with 2 additional new programs and you can sign up per module or the entire program.
These programs will help you eliminate all communication barriers in your relationship.
And Module 2 Understanding Men and Four Components Of Melting His Heart will teach you what kind of communication works with a man and what you need to do before you can have an effective communication in your relationship in which you understand each other and fulfill each other’s needs.
This is what Kimi who attended all the cycles and is signing up for the current cycles of all the three programs is saying about them:
“Kat…. The reason I was able… to go from a wounded woman, to a healed woman, is because of YOU!! I Never would have been the woman I am, today… if it wasn’t for you, when I had a LOT…. of healing to do, from my past relationship!!
I don’t have problems, when in a relationship, except my last one, ended up a Emotionally Unavailable Man but that marriage ended… and Wouldn’t have, IF…I would have HAD, your info sooner! I KNOW… I would Still be married, had I gone thru your classes, before the marriage, was TOO far gone! THEN… I had ME, the WOUNDED ONE… to try and pull myself BACK, when I had Already given up, on a relationship after that!! But, You showed me, that I could Heal… my wounded self, so I would be Ready… for my Next one, If I found someone… who I wanted to have a relationship with, which I have now Met, and know… how to be, and not to be so I Don’t… push him away!!
I actually have him, treating my like a PRINCESS…. from being HEALED… and not carrying around, all my past Issues…and am now a Feminine High-Value Woman!!!
I can’t thank you enough, for all your time, caring, sharing, and teaching you’ve done… with all of us ladies, who have become New, Wiser, Stronger, and Successful from being in your group…. where we have become better woman, All the way around from relationship, family, friends and some coworkers!!
I never thought I would Love again, after ALL I have been through, with my health, and Hurt from my past, but you showed me, HOW to heal my inner self, and be… a better woman so I could…. have a chance for a Happy Healthy relationship again!!
I’m SO BLESSED to have found you, somehow… on FB, where even tho I wasn’t IN a relationship at the time, which was probably Better… so I could really concentrate, on Doing what I.. needed to do, to Be…. who I am, today!! Now I feel, I am Ready for ANY relationship, that I may end up in… now or in the future, from knowing…Not to Lead, when it should be a mans place, anyways… But us woman, try and take control…which only Hurts us, and pushes men away… which is NOT what any of us want to happen!!
I KNOW now, How to BE.. that 1 in a Million… that He has been Looking for, when I find him, cause I know…all the ways, to BE… who he’s been looking for, and couldn’t find… and will want to KEEP me, cause I’m DIFFERENT… from all the other pushy woman out there, that have drove them Crazy …LOL
So I am HONORED… to have been a part, of the Journey Inward…. that has been LIFE CHANGING… for ME, and a lot of others I have read, about their situations, where you SAVED them, also!! I also am Glad, that you have Enjoyed, me being a part of group also… I may be funny at times, but I also know, when to be serious too!! I hope I have brought a Smile, to some of your faces on here or in our talks online… which have been SO SPECIAL to me!
Way to go Kat… for setting it up, where we could Talk, and hear each other, it made it SO much more REAL, and personal!! Thanks to ALL you ladies out there, who also have put up with my LONG stories, but I just like to let out, when I FEEL things, that I need to say!! You Don’t have to read them all, But I just wanted Kat, to know what a Blessing… she has been to Me, and My Life!!!”
And guess what? Kimi is now remarrying her ex husband she mentioned above! He re-proposed just less than a year after they were back in each other’s life! That’s how fast my stuff works.
Have you read my book yet? If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them. And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now. If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters. This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman. You can also contact me for my affordable private coaching too!
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