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should you tell him how you feel

I am asked all the time, should you tell him how you feel.  Many of the women that come to me have subscribed to the Rori Raye feeling messages teachings and have had men pull away after telling him how they felt.  Women that get ahead of the man in a relationship often want to control the outcome and think that telling them how they feel will inspire him to feel more.  This is rarely the case.

In my line of work I deal with reactive anxious controlling drama queens all the time.  Many of them are so short-fused they lash out at me left and right.  They perceive insults as the wind blows. What they don’t realize is that this behavior is the exact reason they don’t have much success with men.  They are so busy telling me how they feel, that they are just plain tuned out to what the man is or is NOT feeling.

They are projecting their own miserable state of mind that pushes their guys away in the first place.

They expect me to write or talk a certain way, or use certain words so they don’t get riled up.  So they expect to tell me how to coach them. They open their messages to me with words like “be gentle with me”.  They tell me they are having a rough time and can’t take a harsh reply before they even state their problems.

When a woman approaches me in this manner, I know that she responds and reacts to the men in her life the same way which is a turn off. She is asking me to manage her emotions and feeling for her, which tells me right away where her problem lies.

Women often share their feeling for that very reason.  They expect another human to manage their emotions and feeling for them.  Men feel this energy and it feels like a burden.

They are miserable, and it shows.

One person even quoted what I said on twitter cause she’s pissed that I told her the whole truth without sugar-coating why her guy didn’t respond to her drama queen ways (I haven’t checked and have no desire to check and I see it as a free promotion, in fact, so thank you LOL…).  It was her pushy masculine energy.

Instead she turned around telling me I was ALSO showing masculine energy with what and how I speak.

Duh!  It’s now all about me now, is it?  🙂  Who just minutes ago came to me asking for help?

You’re a hot mess.

I’m the coach, I’m not dating you, Missy.  You’re damn right I’m in my masculine but I’m not the one who sent long emails with feeling messages to a guy I barely know only because I love the sex expecting him to respond in kind and like me more or even offer a relationship!

Bottom line is this, you need me and you need me bad.  You need me yesterday.  I don’t need you.

I don’t need crazy difficult women like you in my life.  My life is so easy and peaceful I can do without the meltdowns from a virtual stranger whom I’m trying to help.  And If you come to me for help, be prepared that I will tell you the no sugar-coat truth of how you come across to men and you should be grateful that I do instead getting all riled up because how would you know the real truth otherwise?

Should You Tell Him How You Feel so Early in the Relationship?

Read on For Your Answer.

“Hi Katarina,

I’ve found your website on Google whilst doing a search about emotionally unavailable guys. Yes, I’ve been dating one.

I was wondering if your book could help me in this situation or if you think it’s too late for me now – it probably is.

Long story short: I’ve met this guy two months ago. There was an instant attraction and we end up having sex on the second date. The sex was amazing, but I thought too much too soon, and so I continued dating other guys and was thinking about this guy as just something casual.

We used to text each other everyday and tell things about our lives, etc. Then we arranged for me to visit him and spend the night with him. And so we did, 2 weeks ago. We went out for dinner, and suddenly, there was this amazing connection between us. We went back to his house and ended up talking and falling asleep and didn’t have any sex. It felt somehow special. Next day he was apologetic that nothing happened and I said I enjoyed sleeping next to him and he was all moved by that. We kissed and hugged and it was really nice.

I went back home and realized I cannot continue having casual sex with him, because now there’s an emotional connection between us that wasn’t there before. I would get hurt and he wouldn’t see any value in me. I decided to tell him how I feel.

So he continued texting me like before, casually, and I decided to send him an email saying how I feel. That I felt that unexpected connection between us, and I cannot continue being casual anymore and ignore it. That I’m not going to pull him into anything and even I’m confused about what to do, but I had to be sincere with him.

Well this was a week ago and I haven’t heard back from him again. He read the email because I received a confirmation back. I guess he freaked out, or thought it was too soon, I don’t know. It seems we’re not on the same page. 

I felt that I had to be honest with him and with myself and I chose to send an email so he has time and space to think. Maybe I did a mistake in telling him how I feel, I don’t know. Should you tell him how you feel?  Maybe I was wrong to do so.

I always felt he’s emotionally unavailable and not very open, so I’m not surprised.

I’m not chasing him or contacting him anymore and I’ll go on dating other guys. I really did feel a special connection between us that you don’t feel everyday and it’s so sad that it is with a guy that is not emotionally available.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to hear from him again, and if it’s too late to read your book for advice?

Please let me know and if you have any article about this that I could read. Did I do wrong in telling him how I feel?

Thanks Katarina for reading and listening to me.”

So I told her the usual that those who have been following me for a while will already be able to gauge what my answer is.  But she kept coming back with ifs and buts and why she’s justified to do what she did, etc. She was bombarding me with her feeling messages.  If you want to know how my method differs from Rori Raye’s feeling messages method, you can read that here.

She kept arguing.

And I won’t be an effective coach as I am if I’m not being blunt about it to her, that she should stop resisting and arguing with me and just get on with the program or go away.  I don’t expect everyone to be ready for my message.  Often I am the last resort only after all those mass dating advices don’t work anymore (as if they ever work to begin with).

I told her that she was exhausting as it was.  What makes me a great coach is because I’m a mirror on how a guy will respond.  If I’m exhausted by you, very likely any guy will find you exhausting as well. Her continuing to tell me how she felt was draining. No progress is made like this.

So be grateful with that off-the-cuff diagnosis especially when you haven’t even paid me for anything.  I don’t have the Man Whisperer title for nothing here. 🙂

Some exchanges continued with her telling me I have a huge ego and masculine energy and the threat for quoting me and my name on tweeter (eeew…scary! 🙂 ).

 So finally I wrote her this:

“If you had the answer already why did you come to me?  I’m the coach, I’m supposed to be in my masculine.  Sending a guy a message like you did telling him how you feel was leaning forward and chasing, hence you don’t see results but you are a know-it-all, you think you figure it all out. Had you asked me should I tell him how I feel, my answer would have been no right off the bat.

How do you know if he’s EU?  You hastily diagnose him much like you treated me.  You are anxious, any man will be EU with you, guaranteed. 

My track records speak for me.  You can write anything about me and millions of women like you will still need my help.  Check my FB page for daily testimonials.  What do you have other than drama queen sappiness? 

And as a thank you for your free promotion of my excellent work rehabbing anxious controlling women like you, this exchange will go as the next blog post on what women should NOT do.  Thank you for your contribution.

🙂

Love,

Katarina”

This is petty and I know that and there is no emotional charge coming from my end.  But this serves as a valuable lesson to you all of NOT what to do when you in dire need for help to be successful with men. Spilling your feelings and telling him how you feel just does not work, especially so early in a relationship.

Telling Him How You Feel is Backing Him in a Corner

When you tell a man how you feel, he knows you are hoping for him to reciprocate with his feelings.  Talk about putting a man on the spot.  It feels to him as if you are trying to control him or manipulate him to get what you want.  A relationship.

This also shows your lack of control over yourself.  Next time you wonder should you tell him how you feel, ask yourself why can’t you just wait and let it evolve naturally.  Why do you have to have this much control.  Men don’t do well with feelings and there is a time and place to share them.  Out of the blue is not the time to tell him how about your feelings for him.

So should you tell him how you feel?  Only if you want to back him in a corner and give him zero options to get to know you further so he can figure it out himself. When you tell him how you feel too soon, this usually causes men to pull away.

The woman above was clearly hoping for an particular outcome, the feelings to be mutual.  If you want to know how a man feels, spend less time talking about it and more time watching his actions.  Mirror him and allow it to unfold naturally.

There is something very transformative and calming about being humble and receptive.  You are so used to in the go-getting, leading role you find it a torture to just sit back and let somebody else show you the way.  I can’t show you the way unless you shut up.  If you want to the leading role, get your own coaching business, okay?  And this advice comes from a former know-it-all who always felt the need to question anyone on anything or any authority.  It’s not an ego to say I’m an authority in this field.  It’s a well-supported fact so get over your own huge-ego projection.

To end this rant, I’m proud to say I have embraced my inner Judge Judy or 5th grade teacher in the face of drama queens that many women that seek my help are.   I don’t apologize for it.  Respect your teachers (and I see it now why).  This Zen story below depicts her to a tee.

A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor’s cup to the brim, and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. “It’s full! No more will go in!” the professor blurted. “This is you,” the master replied, “How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup.”

 

MORE: Why What I Teach Is Unique And Works Extremely Well

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

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