How To Save Your Marriage Alone
“We have spent day 1 celebrating our anniversary in Vegas. My husband has surprised me with a beautiful anniversary gift from Pandora, our stay at the beautiful Aria Hotel and a Spa Day on Saturday. Is this real? I feel like I need to pinch myself. A month ago my marriage was pretty much over. He told me today how in love he is with me and never stopped loving me but he loves the ‘new me.’ A word of advice, he told me last night, “Knowing that I can lose you at any moment for not stepping up to do what I am supposed to do to keep you happy keeps me on my toes and I like that. It motivates me.” Words of advice straight from a man’s mouth that I felt I should share.” ~Layla, Florida
Layla was among the first clients who read my book and benefit from my advice. At that time they were newly married and still lived in separate states. They have since moved in together and apparently she relapsed and caused him to pull back completely and contemplate divorce.
She came back to me in November, 2015 and immediately signed up for Journey Inward. In a couple of months she put her marriage back on track. Not without pain and challenges, needless to say but she made it by sticking to the path that I outlined for her, the same path that has saved thousands of women from heartache.
The following is the chronological order of her progress ever since as she shared in the group in which she got all the support, mentoring from me and all the members and processed her thoughts, feelings, doubts and fear.
I’ve been leaning way back with my husband of 5 years who has not spoken to me or even acknowledged my presence over an argument which was not major that took place a week ago. He has not even attempted to lean forward and the vibe at home is very uncomfortable. Does leaning back in the early stages of dating look different from leaning back when you live with someone and see them daily? I feel like it’s more ignoring than leaning back. Thoughts?
One second I have it together and the next second I allow my ego to take over and fear sets in and I’m in a panic. My husband’s actions are aligned with his words. He is still, after 3 weeks cold and distant, saying he doesn’t feel the same yet he has initiated marriage counseling which our first session is on Monday. At the same time he says I doubt counseling will work but he hopes for the best. Does he want it to work out or not? Leaning back but home life has been challenging while getting the silent treatment.
Katarina Phang, our first appointment for marriage counseling is tomorrow. I am not a fan of traditional counseling however, this was his initiative and his choice and I’m following his lead. I appreciate any advice that you can give.
Resentment is a terrible numbing feeling. My husband expressed to me yesterday that it has been difficult for him to come out of what he has been going through for the last month because he feels resentment towards me and that he’s not sure how to undo it. Any advice on how to handle resentment?
Ladies I need your thoughts on my update…after almost 2 months of my husband being distant and cold because he says something clicked in him to shut down towards me and he does not know how to turn it back on, I finally told him on Sunday that if he’s unhappy he is free to leave because we both deserve to be happy.
He agreed. He went to take a shower after that talk and when he came out he initiated the most passionate sex with me (first initiation of any contact in 2 months). He has been cuddling with me the past 2 nights as well. I have not leaned forward to ask anything though we did agree on going separate ways prior to his initiation…what is going on? Is he staying or leaving?
My husband left to New York to attend a family reunion that I did not know about…while I was at work he was on a plane to NY and did not tell me until he landed. Pretty effed up. Guess I’m not part of the family. Either way I responded to have a wonderful weekend with his family.
After 8 weeks he says he is still confused about us but that he supposedly loves me still.
This was his text…
“Hey…..just wanted to let u know I’m heading to NY…..wasn’t 100% sure if I was going until I got my Sat picked up…i’ll be there till Sunday or Monday…. Gonna see the kids and attend my family’s gathering for cousins graduation tomorrow night….I apologize for not telling you earlier I was considering going but didn’t think my shifts at work would be excused. I didn’t feel comfortable telling you either…you have been a different woman these past few weeks def for the better and I didn’t want to see the old you again and although I was more certain before the last couple weeks, of me wanting to move on….right now I am truly a little bit confused. I DO love you.”
The old me? I sound like a real bitch and I know I wasn’t because he has been saying this entire time that he hasn’t left because he knows he’d lose a wonderful woman.
Just received this text from my husband, “Hope u enjoy your weekend!!!!”
So ladies you said to respond simply… is this good? I haven’t responded yet. “Thanks…you too!”
So my husband has asked to cuddle and hold me while we sleep since he got home on Monday night yet he is still saying he is unhappy, disconnected, shutdown and still wants to leave which I continue to say ok to. He leaves for work at 3am and has been kissing me on the cheek before leaving. I’ve been going with the flow and staying in the moment. Any other feedback to this misalignment of mixed messages?
Can a man reconnect with you and go on with life with you as usual and never speak a word to you about it? How does a woman move forward with him without hearing from him, “I want to be with you?” My husband is having sex with me like crazy and he has delayed making our next appointment for marriage counseling.
Update and advice needed from those that are aware of my situation with my husband. Two weeks ago he said he still did not feel happy and disconnected in the relationship. I accepted his decision and told him I needed to plan to move forward for my daughter and I. I put the house up for sale the next day and started gathering items to donate.
From the very day he told me he wanted to leave the marriage he has been cuddling with me almost every night. He has not gone back to do the full blown affection that he always did (greeting me with a kiss upon his arrival, holding hands as we watch T.V. or are in the car), just the cuddling. Our daily conversations are almost back to normal.
He has not mentioned leaving and I have not brought it up either. He made our next marriage counseling appointment for the upcoming Monday.
Yes, I know I should go by his actions and not initiate the talk but I am hoping to get some feedback at our next session. He knows the house is on the market and that I need to consider my daughter as well but I truly do not know what to do with this situation.
He is the type that can possibly continue with the marriage without ever talking and saying that he wants to stay and work it out and I get most men probably would but again there is a house on the market and my daughter that I need to consider.
I have not even re-registered her for school next year because if we are over I’m moving back to NY. I need your guidance and input. I’m beginning to think I decided to “fix” myself to late for this relationship. Thank you.
Ok…I think I’m getting to a point where I’m done with this situation with my husband. The only thing going on is he’s cuddling with me during the night and sex here and there but everything else has remained the same. Over 2 months of the hot and cold.
He’s barely home because he chooses to work doubles, he doesn’t initiate any contact throughout the day, no signs of missing me or us, no clues that he wants me to take the house off the market even when he knows people are inquiring, I can’t have a rotation because I’m married, I keep myself busy with my own stuff etc.
Our next counseling session is Monday and yes I’m curious to hear what he has to say because I feel like I’m in limbo and being served crumbs. If he still feels unhappy and disconnected after all this leaning back etc…then leave so I can move forward.
He says he has noticed a huge difference in me but I am beginning to think he is giving me crumbs to keep me around until he decides. Ladies, you know I respect and appreciate your input so shoot…
—–A bit later, same day
My husband came home early today, asked me my schedule for the month of February…asked if I can take a couple of days off because he took off for our anniversary and wants to go away. He has planned out 2 trips and told me to choose. I’m just taking it all in for now. Aaaahh!
It seems as if the minute I was accepting the possibility of him leaving, the whole dynamic shifted. I just told my best friend today that finally letting go and accepting that he may leave felt painful yet liberating for me.
I don’t think he had been planning this for very long especially since we get to fly almost anywhere for free that makes the planning much easier. I think he was observing my behavior but possibly thinking about this at the same time hence working the long hours to pay for it especially since he has a hefty child support for 2 kids. He did mention he had been looking into it lately.
Update…We went to our marriage counseling session which is the only time I really get to hear my husband’s thoughts and feelings since I have not initiated any talks and he hasn’t either.
He said he was a little confused but in a good way because he was completely sure he wanted to leave a few weeks ago now he said, “I have seen so many positive changes in her that I’m scared to lose her. I feel I would be missing out on something so great and I know it would be the biggest regret of my life. She handles things so differently now and it just seems easier.”
I just sat and smiled. His biggest issue from the beginning of this up to now is that he is struggling to get over, rightfully so, is the fact that I didn’t fully embrace his kids. Since then I have done everything to make things right but he still feels resentment.
The therapist validated that I have done everything that I could to make things right and it is now his issue. I wish there was something I could do to help him get rid of it but all I can do is continue to lean back. He even wanted to continue talking after the session so since he initiated the conversation we did.
He said, “Listen, to be honest I was completely checked out before but now I’m checked in, I love this new you and I’m just confused why you didn’t make these changes before. I’m happy but why now?”
Honestly, this past Saturday was the day that I really embraced the fact that he may leave and genuinely felt at peace with that. I even posted here stating my frustration. I was emotionally drained and felt done.
Within hours of me feeling this my husband suddenly asked if I was able to take days off for our anniversary so that we can possibly go away. I was shocked! It’s as if everything shifted the minute I accepted him leaving. T
hough I felt excited with his vacation idea my vibe had already shifted and it wasn’t as if it automatically went back to how I felt prior so he has continued to step in a drastic way since Saturday.
Ladies…things continue to move forward as I continue to lean back BUT most importantly continue to be warm, accepting and inviting when my husband leans forward. He is now back to calling me “Babe” which was a norm for us, he came home early this morning and made me breakfast before I left to work, he continues to plan our anniversary get away next week with little input from me except my expression of appreciation and gratitude.
So our session went great today! My husband said that he has done a complete 180° and that he’s completely vested in this marriage. He said he is so content and excited! We leave tomorrow morning for our anniversary trip. My husband has planned everything and he won’t even tell me the hotel we are staying in because it’s all a surprise. I’m ready to let myself go and feel comfortable being vulnerable with him once again.