Getting Your Ex Back by Softening Your Boundaries

cople in love hugging and kissing under summer rain

We will never get anything we want from a man with emasculation and masculine forcefulness. Each time you use masculine energy on a man, you will lose and be left broken-hearted because he has much more of it.  When you are hardened the last thing a man wants to do is to commit to you.  This is the basis of my proven-to-work love jiujitsu.  This is the path of non-striving that I teach you.

 

This cycle of Journey Inward is special to me cause my client Keisha who never missed a cycle of both this program and the Leaning Back Workshop has just got back with her ex, so I call this cycle the “get-ex-back” edition of Journey Inward because you may end up getting your ex back.

Keisha came to me in June, 2013 totally broken-hearted.  I read her story below in the “Why Do Women Hang Onto Relationship Past Its Expiry Date” teleclass that is part of the bonuses of my ebook and she also appeared in the class.

“I was divorced back in 2004.  I dated for a few years but never found the right person. Then, in 2008 I met a man that I immediately felt a connection with and vice versa.  He emailed me the very next morning to ask me out again and express how much he enjoyed meeting me.  There have never been many games in this relationship.  He called me every morning, during the day to say hello and when he got home from work.  We were together usually 3 days/nights a week.  

He told me in the beginning he was separated and would be divorced soon.  That part wasn’t exactly the case.  He was living in another home and his soon-to-be-ex-wife was residing in their marital home.  I think in the beginning, he honestly was on a see saw emotionally and part of him wanted to go back home.  She had moved on early into another relationship and was not having him back in the home he had paid for.  He put off selling the martial home for YEARS, as he could not emotionally let it go.

However, it was a large financial responsibility and now since they had two homes, he could not afford to continue the lifestyle she was accustomed to for that last 18 years.  She did not work outside the home, yet insisted on keep a full-time nanny for teenagers that were in high school. Considering the financial stress all this inflicted, we had many fights about this and it infuriated me.  However, without that part of it, we got along great.  We are very happy together and very compatible. Our fights were only about selling this house, firing this nanny, and getting the divorce finalized.

It went on and on for years.  Finally, last September, his divorce was finalized and then in the winter the house was sold.  Of course, the nanny was naturally gone; as she could not afford it in the new budget she had to live on as per the divorce paperwork.  Things began to get better as all we had to argue about had finally disappeared.  We really never argued at all and got along greatly and became closer as time passed.  He was finally getting his life together after 4 years. It’d been a very long journey full of super highs and super lows.  I was finally at a point in which I thought we were in a place for him to meet my family.  He joined my family and I for 5 days at the beach house. Everyone got along well and it was if they had known each other for some time.

We returned from the trip and a few weeks later he made a negative comment about someone that had gotten remarried.  That brought our conversation about where we were after now 4 years in my late 30’s and his mid 40’s.  I felt like we had come so far and after it taking him 4 years, he finally even started to tell me he loved me in a very serious meaningful way when he did so over the last 12 months.  During this conversation, he explained, “We are no where near an engagement.”  I was in shocked having just returned from him meeting my parents! What did he think that trip was about?  Isn’t that a prelude to marriage at this age in life when you finally go home to “meet the family.”

I was so heartbroken and upset I just ended it right there.  Here he had come and slept under the same roof as my parents, allowed my family to buy the plane ticket, and enjoyed a lovely week of fresh seafood and lovely dinners prepared by my family, which just so happened to be his birthday week, along with all the gifts.  Now I am hearing after 4 years we are nowhere near engagement? Seriously? We were apart for 4 months and he contacted me and wanted to talk.  So, we did and ended up getting back together.

He was going to work toward what he knew I wanted and needed.  So, the last 7 months had been very nice.  We became closer and rarely argued, as we had nothing to cause friction anymore.  I think it was the closest we have ever been actually and were finally in a very fulfilling mode.  He started texting my father and began a relationship with him and even sent him a Happy Father’s Day text when he was at his house, without me that day.  So, as time passed, I began to wonder, what are we doing?

I have a dilemma and I have to make up my mind in the window of the next 6 months if I want to stay where I live or move to another larger city.  With time closing in, I decided to bring it up.  He totally freaked out again.  He is a HUGE worrier about everything in life.  He understood my time window.  In a very exasperated and serious tone he explained that, “I didn’t understand how hard he had been trying and working to feel comfortable with giving me the level of commitment I needed.”

Working hard to give me a ring?  Why would you need to work hard at that now after 5 years?  Then, it came up again most recently and he said, “I am not ready.  I don’t know if I will ever be ready. I will probably be ready over the next year, as I know you have to make a decision about moving. But then again, I just don’t know when or if I will be ready.”  I thought, are you kidding me?  I was heartbroken, disappointed, hurt and feel like how could I have invested my mid to late 30’s ~35 to 40 with this person and he tell me this?  He also is aware I most likely want to have a baby.  It’s not my number one goal, but it’s something I lean toward wanting.

Our marriage was my focus and my # 1 priority, as I truly love him.  I have experienced a lot in my life with love, marriage and dating.  This is something very different.  I know he loves me deeply.  I know how different I feel now opposed when I was married prior.  This love is so grand that I never knew feeling like this existed.  To clarify, he is not lukewarm.  He initiates most everything in the relationship, as I have always leaned a little back as I feel the man should court the woman.  

He does not understand though why we can’t just be in a long-term committed relationship?  That is not where I am from or who I am.  Part of what he loves about me is my values and opinions and the Southern Etiquette in which I was raised.  My family and friends all are traditional and they expect it and are now asking what is going on with this.  I would never be happy with anything less than marriage from him.

He knows that in no uncertain terms.  This is a huge mess now.  I walked away as hard as it was flooding all the tears I think my body could produce.  I had to go though and I feel very strong this time that it’s over and I can’t go back to the way “he wants to live.”  I realized my dreams are mine and those are built around a family of my own.  I just wish it could have been with him.  I am unsure if I am doing the right thing.

I don’t understand how he can sit back and let me walk right out of his life and even move away…….His fears eclipse his happiness and potential happiness for our relationship.  How do you let that kind of love walk away forever? As much as I try, I just can’t wrap my mind around it in any way.  Right now, I am feeling like I did the right thing as maybe none of it somehow meant anything at all.  I am not getting upset anymore and feel like I am moving on with my life, which in my mind is the only card I was dealt.

Fast forward seven months and 3 cycles of Journey Inward and two cycles of the Leaning Back workshop later, she began to soften and question her own belief and boundaries and her fixation to ideas -in her case the idea of marriage (this is what I mean by “softening our boundaries.”)

They started talking again just a few months ago but things were still rocky because she expected him to just drop everything and get back on the relationship train like nothing ever happened. I told her, he can’t just switch it on and off as per her wish like that (mind you I receive the same question from other clients as well why their exes aren’t so gung-ho about getting back together again when they are so ready to take them back after dumping them in the heated moment of anger and reactiveness).

And funny thing is he incidentally told her exactly that as well.

I never doubted in my mind that they were going back together and I knew one of these days she would just let go of everything and became as light as a feather though I never tried to tell her what to do as far as foregoing the idea of marriage was concerned.  I knew that decision had to come from her deepest core.  I could only present her with a different perspective which she was meditating on class after class for eight months

Last month she wrote me after weeks of silence:

“Katarina, things have been near perfect. I am in Dallas now with my son, my father and my ex husband touring schools and interviews for my son so my focus has been on this mainly thus leaning back without trying lol.

Eric is behaving well. Texting, calling, seems to be no games. He planned a trip to Cabo for March ( or April) I forgot. So, this plus other actions and words show me he is in this all the way now. So, no drama. Thank God.

I’ve been so busy I haven’t called or initiated text with him in two weeks. It’s allllllllll him.

FYI, I let it all go. All of it. Nothing left. Light as a feather.

So far, you’re right. You ask for nothing and you get everything. One day I am going to be a success story for your book!!!!

I was feeling all odd two weeks about, remember? It’s alllll changed.

I let go of any sort of plan. The tables turned. Now he’s the woman asking all the questions trying to see a plan about what we are doing, how this will work with me moving. I told him that too. I encouraged him to let go also. He was missing the great moments in life because he was worried about the future. Everything will fall into place.

Just a few weeks ago I started back and worried about him getting rid of these women. Then you reminded me. I let go of that too. I don’t think about it and we became even closer as a result. He naturally reassures me by how he acts and what he says. I trust him now. I realize they are nothing. I’m the focus and the real deal for him. It’s very obvious. It’s a beautiful thing you know.

I knew it wouldn’t be long. I just told you one week ago how I missed him being his old self.

Then last night he said it…like clock work.

I was a mental case last July when I met you. Now I realize I was demanding everything. All about me. My time line. Looking back, he was doing the best he could with what he had. He was just finalizing his divorce 8 months before. Of course he wasn’t prepared after an 18 year marriage failure.

I remember you said, “what more do you want?” You already have the whole thing.

I went away to Dallas last week to look at housing and take my son to tour schools. Focusing on myself. A new job that brings me much joy. I was irritated two weeks ago about him not being like he was before, etc. Now, I swear, the thought of those women do not cross my mind I wouldn’t check his phone if I could.

Now he’s super sweet. Very attentive. Very commit focused. And I know him like a book. He is here now. He thinks long and hard about everything.

Sometimes he has difficulty expressing himself or scared of his feelings. The last few days when I go to hang up the phone, he says now, “tell Hannah I love her” which is my dog who adores him and him to her. He says this though in replacement for I love you, Keisha.

Like I said, I know him like a book. Then tonight we were naked in bed and he was kissing me and he was very serious and said, “I just missed you so much.”

He’s coming back around. I know. He is on the cusp of starting back to saying I love you. I know it.

I let go. Focused on myself. Calm. Opened myself to these racing trips. He’s booked a race in Mexico where I am going to meet him there ( his idea). No games. No bullshit

It was just very very sweet. He’s back to the old him I loved and remembered. I don’t have a care, any expectation. I told him all that awhile ago: I was asking for nothing but one thing: us. Forget the marriage and everything else. Us. 

He seems very relaxed and happy. So, bottom line: don’t want. Don’t expect, don’t mention kids or marriage = get it all. Or close to it. it’s good stuff.

The super sincere “I missed you so much” in the moment it was said was just do deep. I can’t even explain the feeling. I still want all that. But I’m not scared if I don’t get it. That’s the difference. I really did let go. Of all. Of it.”

Then she wrote me again 2 nights later:

“Tonight: he laid right back to where we left of finally.  He said it.  I love you.  In the most sincerest way. How about that……. you want nothing.  You get everything.

Lol.  I can’t believe it.  It took all year long. But so far it’s a night and day change.

I now support his hobbies. He does all this high end desert racing I had zero interest in. It’s very expensive and I would make comments. He was very defensive about it. That pissed him off. Now, I encourage it. It makes him happy. He asked my opinion about this race in Mexico he was considering. Told me the cost. I replied he should do it. That was a good opportunity someone offered him to use their car. And the price wasn’t bad. He was in an accident in this same race last summer. Very bad. So I hated it. But, he’s going to do it anyway. So, just go with the flow. 

And you should see how he dives right into it with this honey. OMG. It’s like math as you said, 2 plus 2 equals 4.

I swear I wish you could have seen his face. He was in SHOCK. I had to tell him I was serious when I said “this is a good opportunity””

Are you in the same situation as Keisha was just a few weeks ago? Turn that around. I have figured this out down to science what works with men. Sign up for this life-changing program. If you sign up for both Journey Inward and Leaning Back workshop, you will get 2-week email coaching with me (value: $125) so I can coach you one on one on how to deal with your specific situation. 

And Keisha is in the class as well!  You can listen to replays of first two classes in which you will hear from her first hand what caused her to change and how easy/difficult it was for her and what really attracted him back.  As one of my avid students, she will not miss every opportunity to speed up her healing process (UPDATE:  You can now get the audio of this “get-ex-back” edition for $299 here).

You Don’t Want To Miss This Class Either:  How These Women Get Their Exes Back

If you are in so much pain trying to get your ex back, this is your chance to really know what truly works in attracting the love of your life back  in your arms.  And I have no doubt in my mind if she keeps her softened boundaries he will step up with the marriage proposal when time is right.  Remember, letting go doesn’t mean giving up your desire, be it marriage or anything you want.  You just cut out the source of major tension in your relationship that stops you from getting what you want in the first place.

See the power at work here?

We will never get anything we want from a man with emasculation and masculine forcefulness. Each time you use masculine energy on a man, you will lose and be left broken-hearted because he has much more of it.  When you are hardened the last thing a man wants to do is to commit to you.  This is the basis of my proven-to-work love jiujitsu.  This is the path of non-striving that I teach you.

UPDATE:  Keisha just got a ring!  Congratulations to the happy couple!!

MORE: The Real Reasons He Doesn’t Want To Marry You Even Though He Loves You

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And don’t forget, I have just added a new bonus teleclass you don’t want to miss: “Why Do Women Hang Onto A Relationship Past Its Expiry Date” in which Keisha shared her very inspiring personal transformation that attracted her ex back (hence this cycle is called “the get-ex-back edition.”)

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well and if you want me to address more scenarios write it on the comment section below (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Image credit Deposit Photo!

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7 comments

  • How do you lean back thru emails??? My EUM just
    emails me all the time..How do you respond..so that you are coming from a feminine place

  • Hi I feel that your book has been an god send for me…I have read it at least 6 times over and I see myself so clearly….I am 48 years old and have been divorced for 12 years now..each relationship that I have had had ended badly because of my anxieties and being with EUM men…I reached out to your site
    because of trying to learn how to lean back..and I could see myself with these type of men and I also have deep trust issues as well as a traumatic childhood of abuse, and neglect..I want to make the changes within my self now…So here it is…6 months ago My EUM and i broke up…I had to have the talk with him one night and asked him why I wasnt introduced to his friend from out of town..I pushed him away and it ended badly…I ran off..and we did not speak for the entire six months..he had enough of me…taking off because I was pissed…He would always say go slow and we will see where this goes…and i kept pushing and pushing..He would call us friends and he would never let me keep anything at his house…I felt alone and i made myself always available to him…not only that the sex was great…So 4 weeks ago out of the blue I receive an email from him about my son…and I reply back…than we both started to email each other and this time I would wait to reply…not so fast like I used tooo…We both started flirting again and he would invite me over at night and I would say no..I wanted a notice…I wanted him to call me on the phone because it was just email..so I said that I was getting burnt out on email and that it would feel good to hear his voice…so I didnt check my email for 6 days and he ended up calling me…and invited me over for a glass of wine…he said that he wanted to be friends and that we were both adults and that we could have sex together and I told him that I wasnt ready…so he kept asking and I said I was busy and that I had plans…so he made arrangements for me to come over for supper this friday…and he has been calling..on this friday I slept with him but I also had a date with someone else on the wednesday night…He asked me out for this upcoming tuesday night….but since I left on Sat morning I havent received an email or phone call..and yes I am going to mirror him…when we were dating his actions spoke louder than words..I felt because he didnt say I love you yet that he didnt love me…and I thought he was just using me..He also was the one to bring up the exculsitivity talk to me..and I agreed…I was pressuring him i could see that now and my anxiety would get the best of me….so now I am back to the crime scene as you would say and I want to do things differently..that is why I am here and I purchased your book…and I love it..it makes sense to me…love Kisha and by the way my ex is 62 and that bothers him…he hasnt said he wants me back yet just friends…

    • Katarina Phang

      Hi Kisha, thank you and I’m glad you feel better and seem to be doing so well already! Keep being the goddess that you are and have a life so marvelous that he wants a piece of it! What do you mean by he’s bothered by his age?

      Please sign up for my next cycle of Journey Inward in which my client Kirstie who married to her former ex after 6 months of reunion will guest star.

      http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/the-journey-inward/

      • I am starting to see myself so clearly now…how i was in my masculine mode..I am starting now to deal with my anxiety and now I find my EUM is emailing me more..I was upset with him because he doesnt call me and just uses email..so I pulled back and I realized I was doing that because I didnt get my way…so now I mirror him with the emails and he is noticing that I am not leaning forward..so now he has organized for me to go to his house this week for a barbecue…
        and I will try to be in the moment and not get
        uptight if he is seeing someone else..just lean back and receive..I am starting to date other men as well…kisha

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