How My Method Differs To Rori Raye’s
My method in the end, as many women have attested, is so much easier and simpler. Less is more. Do less to get more. Let him work for your love and affection and shower him with your gratitude, joy and feminine softness every waking day/every chance you get. Focus on and encourage the positives and see them grow. Curb your anxiety. That’s all. No strategy, no gimmick. It just takes the removal of expectations, reactiveness and jadedness. Attachment to outcome makes you very anxious. It’s not luring with honey. It takes, counterintuitively, the softening of your boundaries. My method requires questioning and challenging your boundaries before trusting them. And again, it might not be for everyone but that’s how it works.
I’d like to take this opportunity to address a few charges from some people that I copy Rori Raye’s teaching, now that we have someone close to her method come to me with the below confession.
At times some women resist my message so much. They think I teach “doormatism” or women to be inauthentic. Shirley was one of them. And at times those women return months or years later and apologize. And Shirley was one of them…as well. In November, she wrote me this:
“Hi Katarina, Okay, you’re going to laugh… well, I’m laughing, because I’ve definitely gotten into some e-battles with you over the years. And now I’m writing you because I think you might offer the materials and approach I need, but I wanted to check with you first to see if you feel it is a good fit for my situation.
My best guy friend and I started dating at the beginning of the summer. It was all his idea and I kind of just went along with it. He was a lazy dater, and I held my ground until he courted me. Eventually, everything changed, and he was talking about commitment and insisting he was my boyfriend, and spending all his time with me and just so happy to have me in his life. He was never the type to be so ‘into’ a woman in his life before, and he made me feel very special.
But I took it for granted. I had a lot of insecurity about being ‘abandoned’ and I nagged, whined, and expected a lot. All the while refusing to call myself his girlfriend, because of some dumb Rori Raye shit I learned… I think he got tired of me treating him like he was obligated like a boyfriend, but me keeping one foot out the door. This might have worked on an energetic level to maintain his competitive attraction to me, IF I didn’t subtly throw it in his face that I could Circular Date whenever I was feeling insecure because he wasn’t meeting my crazy expectations.
I was really bad.
Our fights would escalate really fast because of my emotional instability, but we really liked each other (and loved each other already from being best friends and going through so much together) and the sex was awesome, of course. However, 2-3 weeks ago, I threw a fit about him spending time with his friends instead of me. It was ridiculous of me, because we had just spent several days in a row together, but it made me so insecure. I forgot the wisdom about men needing time alone after cycles of intimacy.
We didn’t talk for a few days but he wanted to make up. I didn’t make it easy. I kept nagging him about every little thing he said and how he said it. I caught myself in the middle of the conversation (phone), and I said okay let’s stop this and call me back in 5 minutes and we’ll just be sweet and on the same team. He called back and said he wants to break up and it’s become too exhausting for him and he’s not even sure he wants a relationship right now. This after him showing increasingly serious signs of being very into me. None of my friends could believe it. But I can believe it — I scared him off.
We are still in touch and very loving and friendly to each other. He says he need “time,” and wants to stop dating and just see what happens. He is still incredibly receptive to me, but we’re not dating anymore. It’s a very confusing situation.
He started as an EUM but holding my ground turned him into a prince. Then holding my ground when it was time to let down my guard turned him back into a frog. He’s scared of my outbursts and controlling behavior now. I don’t blame him for having concerns about a future with me. Now he’s “not ready,” and I get it.
Because of my Rori training, he knows that I don’t want to date unless it’s headed toward marriage, something I regret harping on now that I realize that with the right attitude, there’s no reason to bring this shit up the way I did. So he says he doesn’t want to date me now unless he knows he’d be interested in marrying me. He has a lot of respect for me in this way, and will never use me, but I wish I could “take it back.” I feel far more interested now in just letting my guard down and letting the relationship flow, but I don’t know how to tell him that without sounding like I’m begging for him back.
I asked him why he never spoke up about being unhappy dating me, and he said he didn’t realize he was unhappy until the moment he was breaking up with me. What? He was pursuing me hardcore and showering me with affection until that fight. Really confusing.
I am a highly anxious woman and I think Rori’s stuff has helped, but in the long run also made me very self-indulgent and kind of addicted to it, you know? My last two guys did not appreciate the way i brought up keeping my options open every time my expectations weren’t met.
Katarina, he is a world traveler and moves on quickly so I don’t want to waste the opportunity to reunite with him romantically. He still wants to hang out, he still recognizes that I am an amazing woman in life, and I get the sense the door is still open in many ways.
I get so anxious and insecure… I need help taking my power back. I feel so anxious now that we are broken up, but I felt anxious all the time when I was with him, too! So I know this is on me.
He is truly my best friend and I don’t feel ready to let go of the potential to marry my best friend… it would be a happy life:) I feel so foolish for scaring him off so bad. He was really into me.
Do you think your eBook is a good fit for me? Or is this situation too weird?
Thanks for taking the time to read this and answer me. I appreciate the way you put yourself out there to help others, even if it does start a war online sometimes and bring out the sassiness in all of us;).
Much love to you.”
“LOL, Katarina. My guy, the ex, he called me up to tell me how good he feels about us reconnecting, and how i made his day bringing him a christmas coffee while he was at work, and that he can’t wait to see me again. I was feeling anxious for nothing. A text or email was what I was anxiously waiting for – a basic sign he wasn’t pulling away completely now that things are turning romantic again – so I was really surprised when he called me to open his heart in a ‘gut-feeling’ way I’ve never actually experienced from him before.
Of course, he called me the instant i had sincerely forgotten completely about him and wanting to hear from him. I was so focused on meeting my girl friend and going on a super fun shopping trip, that I forgot he even existed.”
I have nothing against Rori Raye (she authors Have The Relationship You Want, Commitment Blueprint, Targeting Mr. Right, Modern Siren and Toxic Men among other things). I think she’s great in some levels and she helped me lay the foundation of my method through introducing me to the concept of leaning back vs. leaning forward and feminine vs. masculine energy. I applaud her sober view on sex that resonates with me more than any other coach I know. And her concept of circular dating has been a practice of mine even before I found her though her circular dating is not all about dating per se.
Other fellow coaches like Evan Marc Katz and Renee Wade have addressed the downfalls of circular dating and how it’s pretty unrealistic to get a man to commit. Shirley here is just one of such casualties that they suspected.
If I can summarize how Rori and I part ways, here are the main points why I’m not in agreement with everything she teaches (as no one will either):
1. I advocate Circular Dating (I’d rather call it “dating around” or “putting a few men in your rotation” for clarity purposes and since it is about dating/meeting new guys as per my method) UNTIL a guy claims a woman…NOT until he proposes. A man with options and dignity won’t invest in a woman who is still dating others further when he’s ready to be exclusive with her and explore their matchability as a couple. It’s just not gonna fly the vast majority of the time unless of course he’s a guy with no backbone/self-confidence. He won’t propose unless he’s sure that you are investing back as much as he is into the relationship. If you are still dating other guys, there is no reason why he won’t be either.
2. Rori Raye talks a lot about feeling messages. I don’t think feeling messages are that vital to attract or keep a guy attracted. I have women write me that feeling messages haven’t done much as far as getting what they want with a man. Now whether or not Rori advocates Feeling Messages with expectations that a man changes (and she doesn’t), the over emphasis on them have women blather left and right about their feelings 24/7 and as I have learned that’s not attractive to most guys that you so readily wear your (upset) feelings on your sleeve. And many of these women haven’t done the one thing that will make a difference on top of their incessant expression of feeling: inner work.
3. Related to above, my method lies heavily on inner work, on figuring out why we think, feel and act the way we do and work to change that to the better. Rori Raye’s disciples think this is not authentic. For them being authentic is about airing their grievances whenever they want it, uncaring about how that might come across to the other person and how that can push him away. It’s pretty self-indulgent and selfish to me (again, it’s not perhaps what Rori actually teaches but her followers take it the wrong way).
Inner work grounds you and as such you become so much less reactive in the face of things that used to upset you so much. This is the secret why my method works like a charm.
But…It. Takes. Work. This isn’t picnic. You will stumble and fall but you will rise again until one day you just wake up and “get it.”
4. Leaning back is the answer to attracting masculine guys. I’m surprised that Rori doesn’t explore this further and instead focusing so much on Feeling Messages. When leaning back is a way of being, a woman is very irresistible on that virtue alone. The caveat though, again, it won’t be a way of life unless she does the inner work to curtail all the reactiveness in her. Though I originally learned this concept from her, I haven’t seen any other coach go into such depth to make it a way of being that surpasses any other “technique.”
5. The reason why my method works is also because I cut though the roots of our anxiety: our expectations. And expectations come from the yearning inside of us for validation or feeling fullness. Once my clients do the work that allows them to be full within without a dependence of any external factor and surrender to acceptance of what is, they become a transformed person overnight. And their men and relationships are transformed too as the result. It’s proof that no excessive feeling messages are needed to create a healthy functional relationship though I still advocate it for really important matters that bother you. FM work in moderation. What you need isn’t any gimmick but a new brain!
6. In relationship, leading with fear and agenda rarely works. It feels masculine, pushy and controlling to a man as well. This is why circular dating till engagement doesn’t engender a strong connection. It won’t make a man connect to you emotionally to allow him the depth of feelings that will make him want to propose to you. This is why my method is so feminine-energy based. I don’t even advocate bringing up the talk of any sort. The only thing that will inspire a man to commit and really stand by his words of commitment is when he sees it with his own eyes CONSISTENTLY how much better his life is with you in it.
There is no other way.
As I always say your energy will define the kind of relationship you have, whether it will deepen or flounder. And only by surrendering to your feminine radiance as well as softening your boundaries (which is at the core of my method) you will create such polarity in your relationship with him that he has no other choice but to commit to you so some other guy(s) won’t snatch you away from him.
Fear, expectations and agenda do none of the above and that’s why Shirley came to me.
Our fear of abandonment is irrational and probably stems from childhood wounds. The good news is it can be cured. That’s what I teach in my Journey Inward program. Once it’s gone, you’ll be unstoppable. And my brand new program Four Components Of Melting His Heart teaches you how to polarize your relationship further and split-proof it.
In my book, when you have done your inner work to become so grounded and secure, there is no such thing as a man won’t want to commit to you or even dump you. If he’s such a man to begin with (who can’t commit to or easily dump a sane feminine woman probably because he’s truly emotionally unavailable at this point in life), you wouldn’t have been attracted to him to begin with or if you are, you would have known when to walk away or when the relationship has run its course.
When you are a secure woman, you smell bad apples from a mile away. It takes one to know one. And as I always say you attract and are attracted to men on the same level of your woundedness.
I walked away from my EUM without any drama ’cause I steadfastly stuck to what I preached that self-love came first. Once I had a better option, I went for that (yeah I dated around because he hadn’t claimed me). But my EUM helped me heal myself from my own emotional unavailability. He is the reason why I am here, among other people.
That kind of unwavering confidence and inner strength is why you are so irresistible. No man can help falling so deeply in love with a woman like that.
My method in the end, as many women have attested, is so much easier and simpler. Less is more. Do less to get more. Let him work for your love and affection and shower him with your gratitude, joy and feminine softness every waking day/every chance you get. Focus on and encourage the positives and see them grow. Curb your anxiety.
That’s all. No strategy, no gimmick. It just takes the removal of expectations, reactiveness and jadedness. Attachment to outcome makes you very anxious. It’s not luring with honey.
It takes, counterintuitively, the softening of your boundaries. My method requires questioning and challenging your boundaries before trusting them. And again, it might not be for everyone but that’s how it works.
When one is ready the teacher will arrive. I hope you are ready for my message and if you are you can start here.
Have you read my book yet? If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them. And sign up for my upcoming new cycles of Journey Inward and Leaning Back workshop.
Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well and if you want me to address more scenarios write it on the comment section below as I have very little time to respond to personal emails anymore due to the growth of my business unless you’re a client or reader of my book. But I will try my best to respond to most comments and give you free advice (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).
Image credit Deposit Photo!