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he's not ready to commit

You don’t want to be with a guy who questions his ability to stay committed to you because he’s being truthful to you and himself and you’d better believe him. And if after 8 years your relationship isn’t deepening, stop investing UNTIL he steps up.

Here’s a situation with a client/reader: “Hi Katarina,

Just purchased your book, in the middle of reading it, but wanted to take advantage of the email coaching.

My situation in a (very long) nutshell: We’ve been together off and on for about 8 years. We’ve known each other for about 14. We are both 26 years old. We started dating our senior year of high school, continued with a long-distance relationship when I moved to attend college. Our first real break-up (we had had a few fights in which we took a break from each other, etc) took place after about 4 and a half years of our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. In the following three years or so, we’d date, then stop seeing each other, then start up again, etc etc.

Last August, I told him I can’t do this anymore – I needed exclusivity in our relationship and he agreed and we were back together. Still had little things to work out, but in general we were doing great. I was basically living with him, we discussed marriage and kids (which was almost always brought up by him), we went to family/friends/work events as a couple, etc. About two months ago (beginning of March), we hit a snag in which both us were very stressed out about work, going to personal issues and ultimately he decided that he didn’t want a relationship and we broke up.

I blocked his phone number after our break up conversation because I needed some space. I returned his house key and his belongings and picked up my belongings at a time I knew he would not be home. After about a week of not speaking, we had a conversation in which he told me that he loves me, but he’s freaking out about marriage (to which I reminded him that I am in no rush, and that he brings it up, not me) and stressed about work/things he’s not ready to discuss with me and he just needed some space (to which I told him there are better ways to ask for it than breaking up with me). We agreed to give each other space. I told him that I will not get back together with him until he figures out what he wants because I can’t keep doing this to myself.

Well, since then we’ve spoken almost every day (we go two days without any communication at most), with both sides initiating contact. He states that he doesn’t have the energy/time/desire for a girlfriend. I’ve told him that’s fine, but I am continuing with my life. I am dating other people, which he is not happy with. I told him that I am single, I am a beautiful, smart, funny woman and there are men who see that. He agreed, but made it a point to say that he’s not going out or hooking up with other girls. I left a few things at his house by accident and he has said that he doesn’t want to give it back to me. After a conversation last week, at my suggestion, he has agreed to go to counseling with me (which I’m not sure about, to be quite honest).

I have no doubt that he loves me or that I love him. I’m just unsure as how to proceed with the situation. I just don’t understand what he wants. I don’t think he even knows what he wants.”

So here’s the situation you might want to consider: you both are 26 and started seeing each other when you were 18. You both are very young and started very young which means you both don’t have much experience with other people.

It might not be so much of a problem for a woman not to play the field before she commits her life to one man and one man only (at least a woman isn’t as aware of this need as a man would) but it is obviously a big issue for him, hence the feeling pressured on his part.

Remember the first thing that comes to mind for a guy when he hears the word commitment is, “Crap, does it mean I’m not going to have sex with other women ever again?”  And if he’s young and has a probably somewhat limited experience sexually, it is really frightening.

And I do believe that people need to go through a few (failed) relationships to learn, grow and find what they truly want in love and relationship.  Of course there are people who have been married forever since they reached adulthood (my parents being one of the examples and they have been married for 45 years!), but in general if he’s not ready -and considering his age- he’s not ready.

It doesn’t matter how much he thinks he loves you or is in love with you, a guy who is not ready isn’t much of a “good use” if settling down NOW is what you’re after.

You don’t want to be with a guy who questions his ability to stay committed to you because he’s being truthful to you and himself and you’d better believe him. And if after 8 years your relationship isn’t deepening, stop investing UNTIL he steps up

Counseling might or might not work because what he needs is really to explore his other options before he’s settling with one woman for the rest of his life. I know it’s a bitter pill to swallow but if you are not even doing anything that can be considered as pressuring, you really have to take a step back and entertain a possibility to also exploring your other options (but if you have made the mistakes of being a nag that pushes him away, here are some tips on how to erase them).

Don’t worry so much, you are still very young and a lot of good things are ahead of you if you cultivate your feminine power. It’s time to focus on yourself and gain his respect in the process because you are not clinging onto a man who doubts if he can commit to you (even though it’s not really about you).

If you are currently facing the same situation as my client above is going through you need a game changer.  Click here and hop on the exciting journey as hundreds other women have been doing while turning their love life around (no more neediness and insecurities because you hold the power simply by being a feminine woman).

And I have a new commitment course called Four Components Of Melting His Heart that can be a game changer for you and your stagnant relationship.  In fact my client Kellie who waited seven years only recently got proposed to and she’s a graduate of this program!  So there is still hope….don’t give up just yet but you need to loosen your grip as Kellie did.

You need to let go.

She said, If I could do it all over again, I would have ended it about 5 years ago. I love him and I believe he is my soul mate, the love of my life. You have to come to accept though, there isn’t just one soul mate in the world and if you aren’t getting what you need from your “soul mate” then maybe, just maybe, is it possible he isn’t really your soul mate? Would a soul mate keep you waiting that long? No, not likely he would.

I didn’t want to accept that and I bargained with all the money on the table in a serious game of poker. what did I give up? Lots of my years in my 30’s. Yes, I wanted another child. So, that was a huge loss for me. Could I have made a new life with mostly everything I wanted with someone else? In 7 years, chances are pretty decent.

Having said that, I stayed and then left him several times over this kind of stuff. We always ended up back together. NEVER, not once from me contacting him though. He came back every single time. It wasn’t a month either. This time it was for 8 months. It was different than all the others.

Why? It was the first time I was able to completely disconnect myself from him and let him go. Believe me, many days I cried. But it got easier and the more I listened and acknowledged all my dreams I had ignored I really disconnected more.

One very memorable moment for me was when Katarina Phang told me, ” KELLIE, don’t you understand? He has to go on his journey. His journey isn’t complete. You have to go on yours. If you ever want another chance for this to really work, then you have to let go completely to allow that for both of you. If you don’t, the longer you don’t, you are delaying the process and hurting yourself.”

There are rare moments of peace in that kind of pain but this was one of my biggest I am most thankful for. There’s just one problem with it……. When you focus on yourself, your family, your children and friends completely, you begin a healing process. Which is great. However, I really had moved on. Then, he came back. I’m still trying to process that for myself. I was at a point of real self happiness. Sometimes you have to let go to receive.

I have come to understand there is such a thing as energy in the world. You cannot fake letting go. But once you achieve that gift of peace the world will come to your doorstep. I have seen this in several areas of my life appear. Faith is for real, For me, God is for real. If it’s meant to be no matter what, it will happen. If in doubt, move on. Everyday you are alive is a gift. Don’t throw it away over anyone or anything. You never get that time back. Live for the people that love you. Life is for the living. It’s time to go live your life, really live it.”

I have helped many women getting the relationship they want by changing their mindset, perspective that in turn shift their energy.

MORE: How To Get Him To Commit Without Ultimatums and Heartache

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

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Image credit Deposit Photo!

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