He’s Not Ready To Commit After Eight Years, What Should I Do?

he's not ready to commit

You don’t want to be with a guy who questions his ability to stay committed to you because he’s being truthful to you and himself and you’d better believe him. And if after 8 years your relationship isn’t deepening, stop investing UNTIL he steps up.

Here’s a situation with a client/reader: “Hi Katarina,

Just purchased your book, in the middle of reading it, but wanted to take advantage of the email coaching.

My situation in a (very long) nutshell: We’ve been together off and on for about 8 years. We’ve known each other for about 14. We are both 26 years old. We started dating our senior year of high school, continued with a long-distance relationship when I moved to attend college. Our first real break-up (we had had a few fights in which we took a break from each other, etc) took place after about 4 and a half years of our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. In the following three years or so, we’d date, then stop seeing each other, then start up again, etc etc.

Last August, I told him I can’t do this anymore – I needed exclusivity in our relationship and he agreed and we were back together. Still had little things to work out, but in general we were doing great. I was basically living with him, we discussed marriage and kids (which was almost always brought up by him), we went to family/friends/work events as a couple, etc. About two months ago (beginning of March), we hit a snag in which both us were very stressed out about work, going to personal issues and ultimately he decided that he didn’t want a relationship and we broke up.

I blocked his phone number after our break up conversation because I needed some space. I returned his house key and his belongings and picked up my belongings at a time I knew he would not be home. After about a week of not speaking, we had a conversation in which he told me that he loves me, but he’s freaking out about marriage (to which I reminded him that I am in no rush, and that he brings it up, not me) and stressed about work/things he’s not ready to discuss with me and he just needed some space (to which I told him there are better ways to ask for it than breaking up with me). We agreed to give each other space. I told him that I will not get back together with him until he figures out what he wants because I can’t keep doing this to myself.

Well, since then we’ve spoken almost every day (we go two days without any communication at most), with both sides initiating contact. He states that he doesn’t have the energy/time/desire for a girlfriend. I’ve told him that’s fine, but I am continuing with my life. I am dating other people, which he is not happy with. I told him that I am single, I am a beautiful, smart, funny woman and there are men who see that. He agreed, but made it a point to say that he’s not going out or hooking up with other girls. I left a few things at his house by accident and he has said that he doesn’t want to give it back to me. After a conversation last week, at my suggestion, he has agreed to go to counseling with me (which I’m not sure about, to be quite honest).

I have no doubt that he loves me or that I love him. I’m just unsure as how to proceed with the situation. I just don’t understand what he wants. I don’t think he even knows what he wants.”

So here’s the situation you might want to consider: you both are 26 and started seeing each other when you were 18. You both are very young and started very young which means you both don’t have much experience with other people.

It might not be so much of a problem for a woman not to play the field before she commits her life to one man and one man only (at least a woman isn’t as aware of this need as a man would) but it is obviously a big issue for him, hence the feeling pressured on his part.

Remember the first thing that comes to mind for a guy when he hears the word commitment is, “Crap, does it mean I’m not going to have sex with other women ever again?”  And if he’s young and has a probably somewhat limited experience sexually, it is really frightening.

And I do believe that people need to go through a few (failed) relationships to learn, grow and find what they truly want in love and relationship.  Of course there are people who have been married forever since they reached adulthood (my parents being one of the examples and they have been married for 45 years!), but in general if he’s not ready -and considering his age- he’s not ready.

It doesn’t matter how much he thinks he loves you or is in love with you, a guy who is not ready isn’t much of a “good use” if settling down NOW is what you’re after.

You don’t want to be with a guy who questions his ability to stay committed to you because he’s being truthful to you and himself and you’d better believe him. And if after 8 years your relationship isn’t deepening, stop investing UNTIL he steps up

Counseling might or might not work because what he needs is really to explore his other options before he’s settling with one woman for the rest of his life. I know it’s a bitter pill to swallow but if you are not even doing anything that can be considered as pressuring, you really have to take a step back and entertain a possibility to also exploring your other options (but if you have made the mistakes of being a nag that pushes him away, here are some tips on how to erase them).

Don’t worry so much, you are still very young and a lot of good things are ahead of you if you cultivate your feminine power. It’s time to focus on yourself and gain his respect in the process because you are not clinging onto a man who doubts if he can commit to you (even though it’s not really about you).

If you are currently facing the same situation as my client above is going through you need a game changer.  Click here and hop on the exciting journey as hundreds other women have been doing while turning their love life around (no more neediness and insecurities because you hold the power simply by being a feminine woman).

And I have a new commitment course called Four Components Of Melting His Heart that can be a game changer for you and your stagnant relationship.  In fact my client Kellie who waited seven years only recently got proposed to and she’s a graduate of this program!  So there is still hope….don’t give up just yet but you need to loosen your grip as Kellie did.

You need to let go.

She said, If I could do it all over again, I would have ended it about 5 years ago. I love him and I believe he is my soul mate, the love of my life. You have to come to accept though, there isn’t just one soul mate in the world and if you aren’t getting what you need from your “soul mate” then maybe, just maybe, is it possible he isn’t really your soul mate? Would a soul mate keep you waiting that long? No, not likely he would.

I didn’t want to accept that and I bargained with all the money on the table in a serious game of poker. what did I give up? Lots of my years in my 30’s. Yes, I wanted another child. So, that was a huge loss for me. Could I have made a new life with mostly everything I wanted with someone else? In 7 years, chances are pretty decent.

Having said that, I stayed and then left him several times over this kind of stuff. We always ended up back together. NEVER, not once from me contacting him though. He came back every single time. It wasn’t a month either. This time it was for 8 months. It was different than all the others.

Why? It was the first time I was able to completely disconnect myself from him and let him go. Believe me, many days I cried. But it got easier and the more I listened and acknowledged all my dreams I had ignored I really disconnected more.

One very memorable moment for me was when Katarina Phang told me, ” KELLIE, don’t you understand? He has to go on his journey. His journey isn’t complete. You have to go on yours. If you ever want another chance for this to really work, then you have to let go completely to allow that for both of you. If you don’t, the longer you don’t, you are delaying the process and hurting yourself.”

There are rare moments of peace in that kind of pain but this was one of my biggest I am most thankful for. There’s just one problem with it……. When you focus on yourself, your family, your children and friends completely, you begin a healing process. Which is great. However, I really had moved on. Then, he came back. I’m still trying to process that for myself. I was at a point of real self happiness. Sometimes you have to let go to receive.

I have come to understand there is such a thing as energy in the world. You cannot fake letting go. But once you achieve that gift of peace the world will come to your doorstep. I have seen this in several areas of my life appear. Faith is for real, For me, God is for real. If it’s meant to be no matter what, it will happen. If in doubt, move on. Everyday you are alive is a gift. Don’t throw it away over anyone or anything. You never get that time back. Live for the people that love you. Life is for the living. It’s time to go live your life, really live it.”

I have helped many women getting the relationship they want by changing their mindset, perspective that in turn shift their energy.

MORE: How To Get Him To Commit Without Ultimatums and Heartache

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

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11 comments

  • Hi how can I gt in touch with you

  • Thank you Dr. Book for the Retrieve Lover Spell you cast for me And I'd like to thank you for it. My ex and I have been back together for a month now. And it's been even better than before. I think this time it's forever. We've been talking of moving in together, and maybe getting married in the future. Things between us are great. I thank you for helping to bring him back to me. After our time apart, we've learned to appreciate each other more, and not take anything for granted. Thank you. testimonytemple@gmail.com after trying and failing through other spell casters and witch doctors I had lost hope , but I thank God for giving me the ability to find you to solve my problems I now can't imagine that my business is doing better than I thought and I will always live to praise you….

  • Brava, Ai. I’m happy for you and I am very flattered by your kind words. I hope I can keep helping more women conquer their worst enemies: themselves.

  • WOW!! All this women have a really terrible story and therefore they are still in love with those men! I wonder why?

    I dont want to sound like if I never make those mistakes, but I really was looking all over the internet for adviced, because I knew I got to do something about my situation that was not normal for me. You know, clinging on a man and so forth was so overwhelming for me. Then I found Kat´s page in facebook I now I am a new woman or in the way of a new woman!

    Dont get me wrong, it was so hard at first, making mistakes here and there but you have to take those advice and put them in action. You really have to throw every clutter that is in you and transforme it with something new!

    Now I am happier, I am more confident, I dont need them to be happy!

    My ex has contact me again, but I now dont expect enything from him, Now I have to take care of myself and the only one I should be thinking of, is me! I am not clinging on him anymore!

    So thank you Katarina!! And now imaging me buying her book!!?? If her free advice have worked for me, imagine what they can do for you, if you can really listen! LISTEN! is the first thing you have to do!! 😀

    Love you Katarina and thank you for everything you have done, helping on your own gender so we can be so powerful as you are!! 😀

  • Kimi, I’m really not sure how you took him for granted. He is a mommy’s boy per your words and he let his mom run his life. He was on and off about the wedding and when that happened he didn’t come home for 5 days! Then he was seeing another woman while also seeing you after your divorce?

    What were you thinking? Don’t you think this sounds so…errr…weird and complicated?

    And this was your 2nd husband and you are still in love with him?

    Kimi, I think you need a lot of work on yourself. You got to 82 lbs and you are 5′ 6″. Isn’t it a wake-up call that probably you are not in the right mind/shape for a relationship due to your own issues? And because of that, you attract and end up with the very same person as you are as a partner.

    If you want a good stable man as your partner, first of all you must be a good stable woman that a good stable man is after. It takes one to know one. Go on therapy and really solve all these emotional issues you have.

  • Wow… I had this SAME… situation with my 2nd ex-husband. We were together, engaged 2 times…and he cancelled it, he said, due to weather.too cold, or too hot…LOL Well, we Kept dating, lived together…but our kids had problems, ith His… since he had NO control of his 2 girls…and they would Over do things.

    We then, broke up, (which even when broke up, he wouldnt stay away) But…. during this time, he went out with a friend I had, back from school.and she wanted him SO BAD….. But, I found out about it, and I was SO Hurt…cuz I wouldnt date Anyone..cuz I was IN LOVE!! Well… He came back and BEGGED…me to taje him back, and I didnt even talk to him. THEN..he came over, handed me 2 credit cards…and said OK, l can plan a Wedding…When you want, Where you want!!! Wow… I was Blown away, and said ok…he has WOKE UP.

    Well, I planned it on New Years Eve, which was our 7th anniversary of us meeting, and planned it in Vegas…so we Didnt have his family, interfering!! Things were GREAT… and he seemed Happy about it, was packing, bought New suit…Had me go get My dress I wanted…and we Left for Vegas!!!

    Well…the day of wedding, I made Him get dressed and go down stairs and wait, and I got dressed…and we met at Limo, who took us to court house, and then to Chapel! Had a Beautiful wedding…a GREAT time, just like a Fairy-tale…and we Didn’t even Drink, our Whole trip. Then, we got ready to come Home…and I seen the LIGHT, go ON…. the Look of DEATH! We got on plane Home, and I seen him Change… like a transformer!!

    We came back, and we were to Live, at MY house, since I had 2 kids, still in High School…and it lasted 9 months, and even though, I had to ride EVERY night, out to his house, where his 2 girls, and friends… were Renting the house, paying ALL the bills, and he felt like he was MISSING something, Not being at HIS house. well…the day came, he Didn’t come HOME! I didn’t call, and waited to see, How Long… he’d go, Without calling, or coming back.

    after 5 days… (crying my eyes out) I then to Hurt him…went out with this guy, who had Begged me for Years, and he was SO mad…. and Jealous. His MOM… found out, and Made him, file for Divorce. He Wouldn’t serve me papers…. hoping after SO long, it would expire, and we didnt have to do. But his MOM…(who still runs, All 4 of her sons Life) Made him go thru with, cuz he paid 3000.00 to have papers done. Well we went thru divorce…BUT, we ere TOGETHER…Every night, even 2 yrs After.

    I got to where I took him for Granted… I had lost SO much weight, from stress… that I was Almost DEAD. I went down to 82lbs, and im 5;6 !! Well he’d BEG me, Every night, to come over… BUT, I KNEW… he was CHEATING on me, But I couldn’t Catch him, but things he’d DO…that ws NOT Normal, it wasn’t hard to figure out, he had been, with someone Else. Wel, I left him ALONE… 1 Too many nights, even tho he QUIT drinking, and tried Everything… and I still made Excuses… SHE…GOT AHOLD OF HIM!! Yep, the one he cheated on me with, Before we married… who Tried the WHOLE time, to Catch him… well he got finacially in a Bind, and she Just got the Buy out, from GM…. and she Bailed him Out, before he lost his house, due to his Boss… got Ill, and wasnt getting…enough work, and NOW.. he is in DEBT to her, and she is VERY BIG BI*CH….and he is Scared, of her…or What she’d DO, IF.. she caught him with ME!

    Now, Here I am… STILL in LOVE… and Can’t even Call him, or if I went there, shed KILL ME! Well, I’ve been told, he is MISERABLE…But, he got himself…. into this mess. SO… you ladies out there…DONT take a man for Granted… cuz he can be SNATCHED UP… before you can Stop it!! I wish, I could go BACK, to 1 week… Before she found out, I was GONE..and FIXED things, cuz NOW… he is TOO Faithful, and it Could have been ME, But, I BLEW IT!!! . But…I have JUST met, a NEW guy, who is 8 yrs younger….we will see, what happens!!!! I will NOT…. make the Same Mistakes, This time!!! I will FOREVER… be IN LOVE with ex, and MAYBE… he will Come BACK, and we can Finish, the Life… we Should have been having, for last 13 yrs!! Time will tell!!!!

  • Jenna, I’m sorry you are in this conundrum. Damned if you, damned if you don’t. But something is clear here, unless a guy is truly ready and has his heart in it, you can’t really do anything to make him do what he doesn’t feel in his heart to do.

    So let go already…. for your own sanity. Clinging to your idea of what you want him to be is only going to make you suffer more.

    Yes no contact. Move on. Cut all ties. Focus on you and your self-worth. A goddess doesn’t beg. She is won over as a prize. Visualize yourself as that Goddess. It’s gonna be very hard but it will be much harder to be put on a leash and strung along.

    And work on yourself so next time you won’t end up in a relationship in which you argue a lot. Reflect on why you did that. Is that because you were not easy to please or had too many expectations? Or maybe he just wasn’t the right man for you. A healthy relationship should be effortless most of the time.

    Probably with the break and space he will step up. If not, you have your dignity intact because you will attract the right man who is truly ready to give you what you want before you know it.

  • Hi Kat, I’m a big fan of yours. I wonder if you can help me with my situation.

    My ex and I were engaged but broke it off a few months ago. We were arguing a lot and broke it off after one big blow-out fight. The breakup seemed to be mutual but I was maybe a little more for it than he was. We’ve continued to talk every now and then and we kissed after running into each other a couple of months ago.

    A few weeks later, I asked him if he would be interested in getting back together. He said that he loved me and wouldn’t be opposed to trying again but that he was scared the same arguing would happen. I feel that we rushed the engagement as we weren’t together very long and when normal relationship “bumps in the road” began to happen, it was a lot of pressure to deal with knowing we were getting ready to get married.

    He said he would like to go slow and see what happens. I even said we could talk to others and he said he didn’t want to do that. He said he wanted to go slow, but he did the opposite. He was sending me lyrics to love songs, inviting me over to watch movies at his house, buying me things, calling and texting all of the time…just like when we were together. I thought his actions showed he was ready for a relationship and to be serious again so I followed his lead. I texted him a couple of times telling him how much I loved him and he started to back off big time.

    I asked him what was wrong and he said he just didn’t know what to say, it was moving too fast. He said that he loves me and would like to try again but just isn’t ready for a relationship and just isn’t where I am with everything. I prodded some more and found out he had taken an interest in another girl while we were apart but nothing has happened between them and from what I know, I don’t think she’s into him like that. He said he still wanted to talk and take things slowly but he continued to act weird and back off. I then proceeded to do the whole make an ass out of myself, crying, begging, pleading, over apologizing thing. He said that no amount of convincing would reassure him and that he needed time and just wasn’t ready for a relationship right now.

    He then asked if we could be friends because he thinks I deserve 100% and he can’t give me that right now and it’s not fair to me. I told him we couldn’t be friends but that I would be willing to keep in touch and date but that we could never be friends. He said he would like to date then because he doesn’t want to completely lose me. He said he’s just confused right now and doesn’t know what he wants. I’m confused too and need some advice. Would the whole no contact rule apply to this situation? He continues to text and is starting to flirt over text. I haven’t contacted him for the past week but I will respond to his texts. I would really like to see us try again. What would you suggest? Thanks so much…

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