He’s Not Really Over His Ex, Other Than That He’s A Wonderful Partner
If he’s not over his ex -in other words you are in a rebound relationship-, the principles and tools I teach still apply. My way of living and loving is surrendering to the moment, going with the flow and accepting what is. Control is an illusion. Being controlling is the antithesis of getting what you want. Struggling is hard to do and it makes you recoil in your fear and resentment. That is a very low energetic vibration. If you don’t get results in your love life, it’s because you are emitting that low frequency that attracts the same frequency. When you are soft and pliant, nothing can break you. You are like the bamboo trees that sway and swing to whatever direction the wind blows.
Sandra shared her personal journey in my support group:
Katarina invited me to share my story here and since this is a private group that seems SO supportive, I’d really like that – and hope that I can support ye in turn 🙂
So I used to really go for EUM’s when I was a lot younger especially in my 20’s. I then was in a relationship with a wonderful man, who loved me, was utterly loyal and always made me feel wanted and beautiful. I worked my shite out when with him, became a high value woman, really gloriously happy in myself and really feminine leaning back all the time etc. When my other relationship ended, the men I was meeting were real gentleman. I mean really high-end mend.
I also do intuitive readings and coaching for a living and actually help people with their love lives. So you’d think I’d be set.
Financial problems + a health issue and living in the back of the beyonds which stopped me from living in London (where the gents were … not that local men aren’t great but it just wasn’t where I was supposed to be anymore. I could feel it and also we didn’t match anymore) really meant that I was not able to date the way I wanted. not at all actually.
So then I met my EUM. And he was ardent and pursuing and just was SO happy to have met me. I was cautious but got pulled in, he’s quite warm and enthusiastic when he wants to be. Because we’re both quite spiritual, we also had sensed each other before we met. soulmates? definitely. Though I do have loads of those 🙂
We got exclusive – fast. We were talking about getting married – fast. (that is not a bad thing, both my ex-husband and my ex partner and I did too and it was good.) We combined our finances and essentially started living together – fast.
When I started to finally open up however, he shut down rather a bit.
Yet he still talked about getting married, we visited his parent graves and he even took me to a jeweller to be fitted for an engagement ring.
The long and short of it is that the man went from being very well to do with a shite g/f to losing it all overnight. Including the shite g/f who disappeared as soon as the money did before we met.
While I knew the details I didn’t realize how utterly wounded he still was. He can be quite stoic. I mean really wounded. And most of all… you guessed it. About the ex.
Even worse … while he was saying all these lovely things to me (whilst at the same time being emotionally distant) I found out he tried to contact her and that he would have taken her back if she came along. I’m not afraid she will, she doesn’t want him. But the fact that he does and that he has hoped for this, and made me second really has wounded me DEEPLY.
If he had just told me at the start that he was not over her and was still hoping for a reunion I would have made different choices. What drove me mad is that my intuition was telling me one thing and he was telling me another. This turned me from that high value brimming over with confidence and joy woman who created magical synchronicities, to a wounded, feeling unwanted, mistrustful one (and dare I say it?? needy????)
Now it’s too late. I am in love with him.
And to be fair he is in love with me too. I know it and feel it. A mutual friend of ours who is a therapist told me today that my guy didn’t tell me because he really wanted this with me and it was the only way he knew that he could make it happen. I see that.
It HAS been a financial drain on me however as he has tried to rebuild his life. For a while I feared that maybe that is why he was with me but I am sure now that is not the case.
He has healed, he has mostly gotten over the ex (she wasn’t even an ex, more like a friend. Unfortunately a drug addict too which made it that much harder) to a great extent. It is just unfortunate it happened within our relationship. It has been really hard to bear esp as I’m the more emotionally mature one and can understand what ‘s been happening while he doesn’t. I mean, at times I realized that he was keeping me a bit at arm’s-length because he thought he was keeping not only me safe but I fear that a sense of loyalty to her. Maybe. I’m not sure.
What has surprised me the most is how beautiful the sex is. When I am not feeling safe and totally adored, it’s hard for me to even want to do it. But it’s been utterly beautiful. When we are both completely present it’s beautiful across the whole relationship. It was just so freaking push/pull with him!
Yes I know I totally over-invested!! We combined every aspect of our lives so it’s almost like we are married in a way.
After speaking to Katarina I started to get back to myself, and while I have leaned back all the time in this relationship (he initiated 80% or more of the time especially about the big stuff) I started to do it energetically. It did change things. I unapologetically went out again and met friends of both sexes and left him at home. I strongly gave myself the option of leaving. So leaning back energetically was good and what I love is that it gave HIM what he needed too – the space to BE. We had stopped having sex and that started again and it was lovely. (Can’t believe I’m putting this up on FB but you’re such a good bunch.)
We then had a big row on Friday night. I was actually unfair to him and wrongly judged him on his intentions (not about the relationship, just practical matters). Both our therapist friend and my close friend said that he created the atmosphere of insecurity and not be so hard on myself but I don’t want to measure my actions based on his or anyone else’s. It was awful and he was very hurt and angry. I was dreadfully upset. I apologized the next morning and explained where it came from. And he was very loving, we made up.
Something changed in me that night. I just let go completely. I accepted that I loved him. I accepted that while I had wanted to let go of expectations, I had not done so entirely… so I did then. I made the decision to enjoy every moment we have together for what it was and be IN the moment. If the moments add up to a week, a month, the rest of our lives … whatever it is, I am enjoying now in an attitude of appreciation.
I also unequivocally decided that NO ONE can make me second best without my permission. And just accepted him as a man who has courageously been trying to do the right thing for everyone including me and himself, even when his emotions have been in tatters and confused.
I decided to just let him BE. Not judge him for how he feels. Appreciate all the he DOES do for me (which is notable). And to allow myself to be ok with what I desire too – to see the hero in him and accept the love he’s able to give, while giving myself permission to be open to another man who may be better for me, if that is appropriate at the time.
And it’s been beautiful ever since! We are both so loving, so affectionate, respectful, sacred with each other. Open and present. He’s really HERE. We are both very careful around each others feelings but in a good way.
So the problem at the moment?
There are 2.
1) He gave me THE look yesterday. You know that intense, totally focused masculine ‘you are my goddess and I adore you’ look. Scared the bejesus out of me. Because it made me realise that a) I’m lost. Totally in love. More than I want to be. And b) it made me worry that it was a fluke and I may never get it again. I know, I know.. expectations. But I can’t help it. I actually wanted to end it right then and there to avoid the pain but that is an old pattern.
2) I’m leaving to go across the sea to my house tomorrow for 3 days. I worry about maintaining this lovely connection we have. it worries me also that he insists I go. He’s right I have to take care of important things there. But I worry about the insistence. And he’s not really a phone person, not since the beginning. He’s also in a position to now help me practically and while he’s offering some lovely gifts, it’s the basic things I need help with, like I helped him. He’s not offering those yet.
How does this lovely flow we are in continue when we are apart? Or more accurately, how do I maintain my beautiful energy, no matter what, when I still feel a bit raw inside from the last few months. And to be honest, a bit distrustful.
I have to say though, that I’m amazed at the healing power of love – and leaning back! We’ve been through so much and we keep finding the love between us which seems to clean it all away?!
I just need help to have the courage to keep going in the way I’ve finally slipped into. Even if he needs a bit more time to finish off this healing from the past. To not worry that that he’ll do something stupid and ruin it for good.
If you’ve reached to the end, wow, thank you!!! I’m a prolific writer and I so appreciate every person even reading it. There’s a gift in that alone
I wish every one of you joy and lots of scrummy love!
It is such a beautiful, heart-felt journey that I just need to share to you all. The fact of the matter is the more you resist what is, the more you want to change what is, the less happy and empowered you are.
Clinging/hanging onto anything is tiring. So let go already…
Instead, listen to the 7 steps on how to deal with rebounding men the most high value, goddessy and emotionally intelligent way here…
My way of living and loving is surrendering to the moment, going with the flow and accepting what is. Control is an illusion. Being controlling is the antithesis of getting what you want.
Struggling is hard to do and it makes you recoil in your fear and resentment. That is a very low energetic vibration. If you don’t get results in your love life, it’s because you are emitting that low frequency that attracts the same frequency.
And I will need to highlight this very profound simple truth she said that any of you should instill in your head: I also unequivocally decided that NO ONE can make me second best without my permission.
Assume you are a goddess and you shall become one…. As simple as that.
After working with thousands of women and see how they transform themselves before my very eyes, it just proves it to me time and again that the energy of yearning for a commitment -or a guy to be on the same page as you- is a repellent. It’s a low kind of energy. You might call it standards or boundaries or whatever fancy name you have in mind, it’s just not attractive period. Do it the Katarina way. Let go…and commitment you’ll get in no time.
As you grow as a person, you become less and less bothered by any external factors and you become more and more of a magnet. Your expectations of what others should do is the things that keep you trapped in unproductive ways. You should have a short list of deal breakers but most women when they talk about standards, it’s basically their hurt lower-self talking. In other words they are being reactive. Those “standards” don’t make them any happier. True standards make you even more secure in yourself.
Now back to Sandra in which her guy is still wounded by his previous relationship and as such he at times can’t be totally there for her. The same principles should apply. Don’t operate on the basis of fear and expectations. Empathize with him and accept that he’s on a journey toward healing. He’s not there yet and perhaps he won’t be for a while. Relate without attachment and love unconditionally, yet protect yourself by not over-investing and putting all your eggs in one basket (you know the usual “protocol”).
My client Marina had the same exact problem, today she’s married to the guy who left her to go back to her ex simply applying what I teach.
When you are soft and pliant, nothing can break you. You are like the bamboo trees that sway and swing to whatever direction the wind blows.
Regarding problem #2, you can ask him for help. A man wants to be useful for us. He thrives on feeling needed (without the neediness). But do it without expectations. Trust that he wants the best for you. And don’t worry about your connection to him. Space does good for a guy! It makes their heart grow fonder. It makes him fall in love with you even harder. All the guys who returned to the women I coach did it because of space (and leaning back).
Go and enjoy your trip. Surrender to the moment….
If you want a profound personal transformation that will shift your energy and raise your vibrations, you should sign up for my Journey Inward Group Coaching Program. It’s a recurring program I hope to hold every few months that will prepare you to master all the secrets that a man magnet has.
Have you read my book yet? If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them. And you will be included in the two lively private groups I own and see how women transform themselves there to become a high-value woman.
My FB friend Graham R White wrote in the group: “Kat’s methodology of “Leaning Back” is the most simple and profound wisdom for women I’ve seen. It creates a perception of a woman with confidence and high value and men who are interested in a relationship beyond sex gravitate to those exact qualities.
Any woman who has engaged in “The talk” with me was either many steps behind or many steps ahead of where I was in the relationship. If she’s many steps ahead the man will either be scared off by what he perceives to be a needy woman or lie. If he eventually reaches the same point, now there’s a lie early on that clouds things. If she’s many steps behind he’s already lying and it will speed up his leaving and end more dramatically and painfully than need be.
To a man with options, ‘The talk’ does nothing more than highlight a woman’s sense of disconnection and if he was really into her he never would have let her get to that point in the first place. So lean back, let the man prove that he really is ‘That into you.’ “
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Image credit Deposit Photo!