Why are Women Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men?

why are women attracted to emotionally unavailabel men

Why are Women Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men? Have you considered you are emotionally unavailable yourself. 

Have you always been chasing unrequited love or turned off by available guys?  Do guys that show interest towards you seem clingy or needy?  Perhaps you need to ask yourself, am I emotionally unavailable.

Signs you are emotionally unavailable yourself:

  • falling for elusive men or men that show little interest in you
  • falling for married men
  • feelings of unrequited love
  • being turned off by guys that show real interest in you

Below is a classic story of one of the many women attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

“Hi Katarina,

I felt the need to email you and let you know how much you have helped me. A little about my situation first.

My husband and I married about a year ago. This was my second marriage. I pressured him to propose to me a year before that because I was so anxious about settling down. A year into our marriage I realized I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t figure out why. He began pulling away from me and I also started to feel out of love with him.

We officially broke up and we are in the process of getting a divorce. I started seeing someone else in the meantime and who I think is an EUM. He acts like he is totally in love with me but he would shut down whenever I would initiate any talk about the future of us. I was on the brink of losing him over this.

All of this led me to your site and it finally dawned on me that I was the reason my marriage didn’t work out and now I am about to lose the companionship of the man I’m dating as well. My anxiety pushed me away from my husband and almost ran my new guy away as well. I realized that right now I was being an EUW by not completely getting over my marriage and pressuring my new guy for something I couldn’t give myself, a relationship.

Even bigger, I realized I have been too masculine my whole life which is why I would always end up in committed relationships but found myself not being happy shortly into them. I was in relationships with beta guys or feminine men and the attraction would fade as deep down I am attracted to masculine men but I just didn’t realize it.

I know some people would judge me for starting a relationship when I’m still legally married. What I say to them: My situation is a perfect example of how important it is to focus on yourself instead of the end result that is marriage. Otherwise, you may actually get what you want and later realize it’s not REALLY what you want and end up dragging a poor guy through the mud because of your anxiety issues.

I just want to thank you for helping me realize this. I feel like I can now start over with a clean slate and I now know what I need to do for myself in order to be truly happy. I have spent my whole life focusing on the end result and not enough time focusing on myself and therefore was ending up into unhappy relationship after unhappy relationship.

Right now I am not focused on relationships. Instead I have focused on just getting over my marriage and doing positive things for myself. Funnily enough, my EUM is trying so hard for me now. I feel like to be fair to him and my soon to be ex-husband though I need to completely get over and out of this mess first.

If it were not for you, I would have just continued the cycle of unhappiness. I sincerely thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. This information has helped me so much. Even in my professional life I have learned to lean back at work and not get so anxious about things that are out of my control.

Thanks again!

Helena”

Helena, I see myself in you.  I was like you too some 10-12 years ago.  I was anxious to settle down and start a family so I pressured my then “non-boyfriend” (EUM) to commit.  Yet I also noticed my proclivity to set off my own way, doing my own things.  I loved to travel around at a moment’s notice and I truly enjoyed my freedom being single and all that.

At the time I just got out of a 9 year-relationship with a beta guy.  I didn’t know I wasn’t ready to jump in another relationship but I thought I was and my biological clock was ticking.  At the time I wasn’t self aware enough to realize I was one of those women attracted to emotionally unavailable men.

I was on a hunt for a baby daddy.  I was on a mission and I wasn’t going to stop at nothing.

I was an anxious-avoidant (read about attachment styles in Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find -and Keep- Love).  I wanted the benefits of relationship yet I loved the freedom that came from being single too.

At the time I just came to the US and my beta ex was still living in my home back in my home country.  I let him stay there because I felt pity and compassionate since he was suffering from schizophrenia and had nowhere else to live.  He still lived there well after my wedding in 2004, just 2.5 years after my breakup from him.

Yes sure, it was noble what I did but at the same time it spoke volume of my own emotional unavailability and on-a-rebound status.  I was so not over him and our relationship, no matter that even on the surface I didn’t feel attraction anymore toward him because he didn’t feel masculine enough for me.

I never told my then husband about any of this, of course.  We had a kind of relationship that was detached enough to allow me this kind of stuff.  Only after being in my new relationship with my boyfriend and noticing how different the kind of connection and closeness that we have is, did I see very clearly why my marriage didn’t work.

I wanted the kind of depth that I myself could not give him at the time. I couldn’t because I was emotionally unavailable myself.

He was distant.  I complained about that of course, but at the same time I knew it worked for me on some levels.  It allowed me the space I needed not being ready and all that…

It was because I was also emotionally unavailable.

But of it was recently that I actually asked myself am I emotionally unavailable myself.  The picture of what actually happened were getting clearer by the day especially after I taught my group coaching Journey Inward.  The reflections and inner journey afforded by the program allowed me to see as bright as a sunny day what force was actually at work.

The only reason I was attracted and tolerated his emotional unavailability was because I was emotionally unavailable myself.  He felt safe to me because though I hated his standoffish and distant attitude, I loved the space and freedom I could afford myself with.  In fact I was EU for the most part throughout my adult life.  I was wearing my masculine facade (and the more masculine you are the more freedom and autonomy you will need) because I was scared to lose control, be owned or be vulnerable.  Those are clear signs of emotional unavailability.

Being in my masculine in relationship isn’t my natural state as a woman.  That didn’t make me happy but I was too naive and inexperienced to know any other ways.

So ask yourself, if you have always been attracted to elusive guys or have a pattern of being in love with emotional unavailable guys, are there explanations -probably from your childhood history or baggage from past relationships or both- that qualify you as an emotionally unavailable woman yourself?

Have you always been chasing unrequited love?  Or are you turned off by available guys?  Do you see guys who show interests toward you as clingy and needy (many women have this problem believe it or not)?  Those are clear signs too that you are an EUW yourself.

With emotionally available men you are not “in control” and you fear of going deep and it requires more commitment than you are used to giving. And there is also this underlying feeling of undeserving of love without a fight.  That happened to me because I always had to earn every gift I received as a child (with good grades mainly).  I wasn’t used to just receiving because “I was worth it” for “who I was.”  And at the same time that love you receive for free or freely feels “cheap” to you while the “real love” is something you have to work hard for, so it’s more desirable to you.

So my emotional unavailability was twofold: I was on a rebound and I was not used to receiving love without earning it.  I was groomed in the masculine mode of go-getting and earning.

This self-awareness is the first step toward healing.  My book will help you open up a discourse within yourself.  Then the going deep with my Journey Inward group coaching will reveal the deepest traumas you might have experienced in your childhood.  Then you will begin to put all the puzzles together and create a shift in yourself that will bring you onto the path of self-realization and healthy relationship with emotionally available men.

My client Kimi who signed up for all three cycles of this program shared this after the final class:  “Ladies…. any of you who missed today’s class…..you Missed the BEST One… I have had since my 1st time…and this is my 3rd time..taking this class!! I feel SO Alive…and SO much GARBAGE from my Past… just FELL OFF!!!!  Hope you ALL have a HAPPY NEW YEAR, and ALL your Wishes and dreams….come TRUE this year also!! Be SURE… to listen to the Replay of Today’s class …you Don’t want to Miss it!!!”

She finally reached a breakthrough internally with the final class of our recently ended Cycle 3 Journey Inward after being held back for so long by the pining of her ex husband who is now living with another woman (update: they’re actually remarried now thanks to the programs that she signed up, you can listen to her interview here). The final class is on metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. She has now freed herself from her cocoon to become her most beautiful self in and out.

Don’t miss it the latest version of Journey Inward that is now part of the ultimate program Feminine Magnetism.  It’s NEW and IMPROVED with a few new subjects that were never taught in previous cycles now that I have been awakened from the dream.

Module 1 Feminine Magnetism: Journey Inward

Want to learn more the ins and outs of inspiring the man you adore to commit to you THE MOST DEFINITE WAY?  Here’s the most affordable way: by working with me face to face in a very relaxed, fun and intimate setting in my own home!  And you will get some of the coaching programs I mention here as bonuses as well so you can start listening to them before coming to the weekend getaway.  I promise you it’ll be one of the most worthwhile investments you’ll ever make in your life.  Your life will turn upside down for the better after the retreat if you practice all the skills I teach there.

Please share this with the buttons below and I’d like to hear your comments as well and if you want me to address more scenarios write it on the comment section below (and don’t forget to subscribe to this blog for more insight into the mind of men on the right side bar so you’ll get notified for each new post).

Image credit Deposit Photo!

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12 comments

  • Most famous or highly popular men are really guarded and have tonnes of options. Any advice on how to date such a man?

  • Emotionally unavailable women are feminine and you have to meet men only through friends and family because if you meet on your own they aren’t perfect enough. You have to play these mind games on men all the time. Act like jerks to them. They deserve emotional abuse by women all the time. Reject men all the time. They will go insane.

  • Karen. hop on my Journey Inward. It’s an exciting journey into yourself.

    http://katarinaphang.com/coaching/the-journey-inward/

    • Yes, definitely I will. I decided 2015 is my year – started it off right yesterday with yoga & want to continue working on myself. This guy is making me miserable & keeps sucking me back in. Tried to end it 3 times now but I guess I’m not strong enough yet. I’m tired of being an option – although I am constantly dating other guys.

  • Thank you Kat – I purchased the book & I am rereading for the 2nd time. I believe I am EU as well. I always wind up with men that are wrong for me or in the case of the current one – major wrong timing. It is difficult for many women today I think – I raised 3 children along with no support system & no child support payments. My youngest has mild autism & I have always just been ALONE. Great on the surface, always a high achiever but an absolute mess inside. I honestly am petrified to lose control & one of my biggest fears is dying alone. Most of my friends are also single parents in similar positions. I am so happy I found your site but realize I have a lot of work to do on myself. I am still seeing the same man who’s currently going through the divorce – we agreed to see other people casually & that is ok – I’m having fun meeting new guys. I know he cares about me a lot but isn’t ready & it looks like neither am I – not really. But just after reading the book I can feel a shift inside – I feel much less anxious & obsessive. I shouldn’t be surprised – I had to deal with my mom’s depression & suicide attempt at an early age then an emotionally abusive ex-husband. My 2nd marriage was a rebound – I never loved him & I’m sure he knew it. Currently I’m dealing with my daughter’s IV drug addiction & the stress on the family – part of the bond with the guy is that we both are involved in AA (sober 5+ years). We both “get” each other in a lot of ways because of such similar background & I know he would always be there for me no matter what. Even so, I was ready to walk away right before Christmas – I thought we were having coffee & I was going to speak with him but he wound up buying me a beautiful necklace & we had dinner together. So this is ok for now & who knows what the future holds. I think I need to continue to work on myself right now & see glimpses of me in many of the letters & stories. I will purchase some of the cycles soon (kinda broke right now) but wanted to thank you again. I already feel much more focused and grounded.

  • Hi Katarina,

    I’ve read your book and I must say it’s been amazing! The thing is I’m in love with my EUM… and he’s on the other side of earth of me. I know that what you teach works perfectly if both are in the same area, but it’s difficult when we’re on different part of the world. I got to know my EUM through internet and we became really good friends, got more and more interested in each other. I was conveniently going to San Francisco for a marathon and he came over to spend time with me. We’re both quite young, in our later 20’s, and he’s about to finish his law school. We spent two amazing weeks together and he’s been nothing but amazing to me. We slept together and he told me that he loved me (without me even saying anything to him). This was before I had bought your book and my stupidly naive side brought up “the talk” after that and he of course said he’s not ready for a relationship. I was totally confused and devastated. He then changed his mind because he couldn’t handle that I became sad because of that. After that it was fine but I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. It turned out that I was right. He originally planned to come to me in Europe and spend two weeks here with me, he bought his flight ticket already and all of the sudden he didn’t talk to me for a couple of days. Cut me off from the communications. I felt the anxiety grabbing me and I panicked. After that I don’t think I have to explain much more further but to say that I became clingy, I questioned his affection everyday, I had to make sure that he felt the same the next day as he felt the previous day. I eventually pushed him away. After I bought your book I realized I’ve been wrong. That I was so darn wrong I almost cried. I knew his affection for me was real, but I had pushed him away with my stubborn ways. We still talk every now and then, he calls me or we chat on facebook. But the thing is that it seems like he’s going back to be together with his ex. Right now I’m so devastated I don’t know what to do. I really love him, and I do want him to be happy, but it’s so hard to fight the urge to beg him to come back to me. Which I know if I do he will just drift further apart from me. It’s hard when there is this long distance between us, but I’m sure that even if I lived where he is (which is in California), it wouldn’t have mattered. I really don’t know what to do at this point. Please help talk sense to me?

    Jen

  • Thank you, Christina. Indeed your energy will define everything in life.

  • I know about being an EUW all too well! 10 years went by before i fell in love with my man now….so good to see some information on what i have been going through and how i turned away potential suitors with just my energy alone….

  • What an excellent article … have downloaded “Attached” from Audible.com and am already listening to it. Following Kat’s method is one of the most valuable things I’ve done in my (love) life!

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