The Disappearing Man Syndrome – What to Do!
If you are dating, you have experienced the disappearing man syndrome. Men that show up in the beginning only to go poof in a few days, weeks or months. Maybe it was a guy online you were talking to that just stopped mailing. Maybe it was a date or two that never contacted you again or worse, a guy that you had been talking to and seeing for a few months that just dropped of the face of the earth.
I know that it’s disappointing when a man disappears, especially if you liked him or felt an attraction for him. Accepting that not every man is for you or that not every man will turn into a relationship is important in the dating world. It helps you put it into perspective.
If you feel anger when a man disappears on you, it’s pointless. We can’t make men do anything they don’t want to do and if he goes poof, rest assured he isn’t wanting the same things you do. Wasting emotions such as anger towards him won’t serve you.
Why a Man Disappears
You see a lot of women go on dates with this agenda. They are looking for a relationship. Getting a commitment from a man becomes their purpose in dating. Men feel this agenda. They really do and they don’t feel safe. A man must feel safe to go at his own pace to stick around.
A single friend of mine, Tenise, recently went on a few dates with a man over the course of about a month. He was calling her on a consistent basis, keeping in touch and showing some boyfriend behavior. Things were going good until he had to leave on a four day business trip that is.
He didn’t call her on that trip not one time. He returned on a Friday. He called her Saturday afternoon to touch base and she told him how disappointed she was that she hadn’t heard from him. One month in and the woman is already making the man feel bad. Giving him the guilt trip and smothering him with her expectations. I wasn’t surprised when he did the slow fade and resorted to the disappearing man syndrome.
You see Tenise got way ahead of him in the relationship. She was projecting her expectations and anxiety over them not being met onto him. He didn’t feel safe. He didn’t feel he could make her happy and when a man can’t make you happy he feels bad. A man falls in love with the way you make him feel and if it’s bad, he won’t fall for you at all.
Men Who Disappear Reappear
Then you have the disappearing man syndrome with the disappear reappearing men. The men that come and go in and out of your life. You spend some amazing time with these men, only to have them just vanish for weeks, to come back again. Rinse and repeat. Some women spend years tangled up with these disappearing reappearing men.
Men do this with women who allow it. If you aren’t attached to him, it’s not a big deal. You can enjoy him while he is around and don’t sweat it when he isn’t. Date others, build a rotation. Sooner or later you will meet someone who doesn’t disappear on you and this Houdini will be forgotten.
If you are attached however, it may be time to face reality . Men that come and go, blow hot and cold are keeping their options open and you should do the same. You haven’t gotten to his heart yet. If you had, he wouldn’t disappear to reappear again. Men do this to keep you from getting attached, to keep you at arms length, because they aren’t on the same page as you are.
There are four components to melting a man’s heart and to keep on giving and giving and investing into him when he isn’t investing into you is not one of them.
What do Do When Men Disappear
When a man disappears, first thing you do is accept it. Accept that he is doing exactly what he wants to do and don’t take it personal. Don’t contact him or ask him what happened. This is the time to lean back..
Questioning him and reaching out to him just confirms to him that he can’t make you happy all over again and reaffirms his lack of safety with you. As I stated earlier, men need to feel safe and not responsible for your happiness.
If your man has disappeared on you or if you experience the disappearing man syndrome often, Katarina can help you understand how to inspire a man to step up, how to cultivate your feminine mystique and exactly why this happens to you.
A good place to start is with her book, He’s Really That into You, He’s Just Not Ready.
Images by Deposit Photo!