The Disappearing Man Syndrome – What to Do!

disappearing man syndrome

If you are dating, you have experienced the disappearing man syndrome.  Men that show up in the beginning only to go poof in a few days, weeks or months.  Maybe it was a guy online you were talking to that just stopped mailing. Maybe it was a date or two that never contacted you again or worse, a guy that you had been talking to and seeing for a few months that just dropped of the face of the earth.

I know that it’s disappointing when a man disappears, especially if you liked him or felt an attraction for him.  Accepting that not every man is for you or that not every man will turn into a relationship is important in the dating world.  It helps you put it into perspective.

If you feel anger when a man disappears on you, it’s pointless.  We can’t make men do anything they don’t want to do and if he goes poof, rest assured he isn’t wanting the same things you do.  Wasting emotions such as anger towards him won’t serve you.

Why a Man Disappears

disappearing man syndromeYou see a lot of women go on dates with this agenda.  They are looking for a relationship.  Getting a commitment from a man becomes their purpose in dating.  Men feel this agenda.  They really do and they don’t feel safe.  A man must feel safe to go at his own pace to stick around.

A single friend of mine, Tenise, recently went on a few dates with a man over the course of about a month.  He was calling her on a consistent basis, keeping in touch and showing some boyfriend behavior.  Things were going good until he had to leave on a four day business trip that is.

He didn’t call her on that trip not one time.  He returned on a Friday.  He called her Saturday afternoon to touch base and she told him how disappointed she was that she hadn’t heard from him.  One month in and the woman is already making the man feel bad. Giving him the guilt trip and smothering him with her expectations.  I wasn’t surprised when he did the slow fade and resorted to the disappearing man syndrome.

You see Tenise got way ahead of him in the relationship.  She was projecting her expectations and anxiety over them not being met onto him.  He didn’t feel safe.  He didn’t feel he could make her happy and when a man can’t make you happy he feels bad.  A man falls in love with the way you make him feel and if it’s bad, he won’t fall for you at all.

Men Who Disappear Reappear

Then you have the disappearing man syndrome with the disappear reappearing men.  The men that come and go in and out of your life. You spend some amazing time with these men, only to have them just vanish for weeks, to come back again.  Rinse and repeat.  Some women spend years tangled up with these disappearing reappearing men.

Men do this with women who allow it.  If you aren’t attached to him, it’s not a big deal. You can enjoy him while he is around and don’t sweat it when he isn’t. Date others, build a rotation.  Sooner or later you will meet someone who doesn’t disappear on you and this Houdini will be forgotten.

If you are attached however, it may be time to face reality . Men that come and go, blow hot and cold are keeping their options open and you should do the same.  You haven’t gotten to his heart yet.  If you had, he wouldn’t disappear to reappear again.  Men do this to keep you from getting attached, to keep you at arms length, because they aren’t on the same page as you are.

There are four components to melting a man’s heart and to keep on giving and giving and investing into him when he isn’t investing into you is not one of them.

What do Do When Men Disappear

When a man disappears, first thing you do is accept it.  Accept that he is doing exactly what he wants to do and don’t take it personal.  Don’t contact him or ask him what happened.  This is the time to lean back..

Questioning him and reaching out to him just confirms to him that he can’t make you happy all over again and reaffirms his lack of safety with you.  As I stated earlier, men need to feel safe and not responsible for your happiness.

If your man has disappeared on you or if you experience the disappearing man syndrome often, Katarina can help you understand how to inspire a man to step up, how to cultivate your feminine mystique and exactly why this happens to you.

A good place to start is with her book, He’s Really That into You, He’s Just Not Ready.

MORE: How To Soften Up So He Falls For You So Deep?

 

Images by Deposit Photo!

 

 

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6 comments

  • Amazing thank you I’ll do that, just to be sure the book is called ‘he’s really that into he’s just not ready’?

  • Hi Katarina,
    Perfect timing I would read this today! I’m looking for some help!
    I’ve been dating a guy about 2 months and it’s going verrrry slowly after a very intense and speedy beginning. I’ve been leaning back and he always comes to me. However, I’m confused. On one hand he rings me, texts me most days to chat and tells me he wants to take things slow and that he really likes me, but I hardly see him- maybe once a week. He makes last minute arrangements to see me, which I don’t like so generally say no (which is probably why I hardly see him) either because I’m already busy or I just don’t like last minute. I tell him ‘oh sorry Id love to but can’t tonight as I’m doing x,y,z’ ive done this a couple of times now and he’s still doing last minute. I have the expectation in my head that if he really likes me hed want to plan to see me. I feel like I’m not really getting close to him because our relationship seems to be based on messaging and calling rather than physically spending time together. We went for a date last week and he left early saying he was tired which felt icky but he said we would go for a meal the next day, the next day I leaned back and waited for him to initiate plans and nothing. He messaged me a couple days later asking how I was. I said I was good and Id been looking forward to going for food the other night. He said we still can at some point, he’ll check when it’s open etc. then change of subject. this felt very vague and I tried to stay on topic ‘oh I thought we were going the other night, I was annoyed’ and then nothing. No response. Did I do the right thing in saying how i felt, it’s only been a two months but things are moving frustratingly slowly given that he’s asked me to be exclusive to him. I feel like an after thought with him and that perhaps he’s keeping his options open and keeping me at arms length until he decides if he likes me. All of which I can’t be bothered with, so then I feel like ‘fuck it, next’ and he’s back in a flash and it happens all over again. What should I do?
    The strange thing is I’m not even really that invested in him because I don’t really know him, it’s just because he made such a big fuss over me in the beginning and made me feel special that I stuck around which is why I find it easy to cut my losses but he confuses me everytime I do by being full on again. Please help!

    Thanks,

    Hannah

    • He is well aware when he doesn’t follow through with his plans. He doesn’t need you to tell him, he knows. You know he knows, yet you continue to allow him to string you along with words. This mans actions don’t line up with his words. Downgrade him and rotate him. Get Katarina’s book please. It’s up there under products in the menu tab.

      • Thank you for your honesty Robin! I feel silly for falling for it but I think because there’s no one else on the scene at the moment. I’ve deleted the app we use to chat on so it’ll give me some space from him. What would you reccommend I do when he gets in touch again? Also just checked out the list of products what should I buy first in your opinion?

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