Dating A Recently Divorced Man With Cold Feet

dating a divorced man

When dating a recently divorced man with cold feet, do not freak out.  Trying to convince him why he should stay or going into reassuring mode doesn’t work.  Give him the space to work it out for himself.  It’s only then that you have a chance when dating a recently divorce man who is already gun shy.

 

It’s pretty common when dating a recently divorced man that he gets cold feet.  Divorced men often have baggage in the form of children and ex wives that can equal drama in their lives.  These relationships often seem complicated or difficult.

Many women try to control the outcomes with these divorced men, hence causing more drama in his life, which in turn causes him to get cold feet.  He feels unsafe with the drama already in his life and now he feels unsafe with you.

Diana is one of my miracle clients.  She was so committed to healing herself she signed up for all my programs.  He in fact broke up with her during one of the programs Four Components Of Melting His Heart .  When she gets the ring, her engagement will be the 4th the program has given birth to in only 2 cycles!

Her story says it all (you can listen to her interview here, 2nd series, class #3).  It’s beautifully said and nothing else I can say to make it any clearer than that.

“My story:  A journey through my shattered heart to find inner love and light…

I accidentally fell for him to be totally honest.  We worked together for many years and the story unfolded very very very slowly. 

He was handsome and tall and kind!   At first I was inspired by his achievements and his demeanor and his sophistication and his friendship.  We were definitely friends first.  We could talk endlessly about anything but what was actually happening between us. 

He was tall, visually appealing and educated.  Eventually he made my heart beat fast and I would hold my breathe whenever he was near.  I tried really hard not to let on how I felt about him.  It actually got so physically intense that sparks literally shocked us if we accidentally brushed arms. 

I had a history of train wrecks in my previous relationships and developing real feelings for someone again scared me to death!  I had also been recently divorced.  This silent dance between us went on for years growing stronger and stronger with time and all the while our friendship grew deeper.  I actually didn’t want to like him and I was deathly afraid of getting hurt but I knew inside I was falling for him and we hadn’t ever even kissed. 

I felt like I was broken inside flawed somehow and I had spent my lifetime trying to fix myself.  I had severe abandonment issues and I was a teenage rape survivor.  I felt hopeless inside.  I wanted to be healthy and whole but I didn’t know how to get there.  I didn’t even know inside if I was worthy enough to be with him.  I had no idea how much my self esteem was broken because it was all I knew.

He had gone thru a nasty recent divorce himself and he was going thru severe ongoing trauma with his ex.  His ex was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and so there were some real scary mental health issues occurring which dramatically impacted all of us.  Plus we both have kids so that added an additional layer of complications.  I was a giant stress ball of anxiety over the entire situation but I literally couldn’t stop thinking about it and thinking of him.  Analyzing it to death!

Finally, it happened!  One day we were having lunch at a pizza place drinking a few micro brews and chatting happily staring into each other’s eyes longingly.  We walked out to the parking lot slightly buzzed and it happened.  He grabbed my hand pulled me into his arms and he kissed me!  Wow!  It was intense and passionate and incredible.  Before I knew it we were pressed up against the trunk of the car completely making out!  I literally felt weak in the knees and stunned!  It was over quickly and both of us got into the vehicle and didn’t say a word.

Before long I began a journey of self help with renewed vigor.  I wanted to be healthy for him and for me.  I began with Rori Raye and this set a good foundation for my new trail but it still wasn’t enough.  Him and I continued the dance of connection and then distance over and over and over.  We both wanted to stay connected but it seemed impossible.  Both of us dealt with inner turmoil and pain but our friendship and our developing love for each other continued to bring us back together time and time again. 

We continued to take steps forward. Trips together more intimate conversations but the minute we were apart it could be days upon days before we would reconnect.  The silence was deafening! 

I finally found Katarina one day surfing the web for self help in relationships.  My life changed from that day forward.  Kat expanded on Rori Raye’s teachings and went even deeper.  She explained Men and Woman in a way I could understand and she worked on healing the inner wounds. 

I finally understood it was my job to fix me and it was possible.  I let go of the expectations and trying to control the outcome.  I learned to control the anxiety and to treasure alone time.  Everything began to shift in my relationship.  Eventually he asked for exclusivity and he claimed me as his girlfriend!  I felt so incredibly special and proud.

We had been officially dating for over two years and I felt like things were going really well between us.  We were honestly doing better at staying connected than ever before. However behind the scenes things were beginning to unravel.  His ex began a new tactic of trying to turn his kids against me. 

This was not very effective with the older girls because we had a pretty solid relationship that had been built on trust and kindness developed over time.  However it had a great impact on his ten year old son.  His son was being taught like a little soldier that I was the enemy.  So he began to act strangely and act out when I would come around. 

I felt devastated.  I tried to lean back.  I tried talking to him.  I tried spending one on one time with him but he kept rejecting me blatantly.  It was tough on his Dad, him and myself.  One night I was laying my head on his Dad’s chest and he began to cry. 

He told me he couldn’t watch his son struggle any longer and he felt it was unfair for his happiness to cause his son so much pain.  He split up with me then and there!  I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck. 

Thankfully Kats teachings had sunk in.  I calmly told him he was free to come in to this relationship and he was free to leave.  I told him I understood.  I began to pack my things.  He really said he didn’t want me to leave.  He actually sat me down on the couch and began unpacking my things. 

He said I’m not ready to give our things back to each other yet.  Can we just do this later?  I said sure.  He kissed me several times and kept saying he was sorry.  I was emotionally upset but I kept control while I was present.  I finally got up to leave and gave him his house key back. 

I left and told him I wished him well and I truly enjoyed our time together.  My last words were thanks for the memories! 

I went home and crumbled inside for four long tearful days.  On day five I woke up and said no more sulking!  No more tears.  I got myself together and began a new chapter for me.  I started an online dating profile.  I had 55 messages within 4 hours!  Talk about a self esteem booster!  Wow! 

I began to work out and plan more girly time with friends.  I went thru shopping or retail therapy.  Bought new clothes and I started attending oil painting classes.  I got busy living!  I never once contacted him from the day we split up even though we worked in the same building.  I removed all the pictures of us at work and at home and put everything in a memory box. 

I started a bucket list for myself and began to work on fulfilling the list.  It kept me focused on me and it kept me internally content.  I had truly decided we were done and I was okay with it. 

Well truth be told he never really let me go. 

One day I came home and realized he had dropped my stuff off but the kicker was he left his house key for me!  My heart beat really fast just seeing it laying on my counter. 

Then the random phone calls began.  Very simple calls like Hi just wanted to see how you are doing.  I was friendly and happy to hear from him but very clear that I was busy.  I allowed connection to happen on the phone.  I felt very vulnerable and actually shaking and nervous each time the phone would ring and it was him. 

However my dating life was heating up in the background.  I was turning down dates left and right.  I was enjoying the attention and distraction but I wasn’t quite ready to actually meet anyone yet.  So five weeks had passed by and our birthdays were just around the corner.  We are born four days apart. 

He shows up one day at my desk at work and invites me to a downtown festival and concert on my birthday.  I was shocked but wanted to go.  I said yes. 

I was so nervous and so excited to go with him that nothing else really mattered as far as dates went. 

We had an amazing time together and it was the perfect venue to relax unwind and just be present with each other.  We watched American Authors sitting in the grass enjoying each other’s company immensely.  I remembered Kats teaching “labels don’t really matter.”

However, after the date I knew my reaction was really important so I leaned back and actually scheduled a date with an Airforce Officer who lived an hour away.  I was ready to date because I recognized that I had to be willing to move on with my life.  I didn’t want to accept crumbs.  So anyway that was the key to the real shift that occurred. 

As soon as I was ready inside to accept and plan a real date something changed.  He began to seem urgent for my time and urgent for my attention.  I went out one Friday night and came home to 22 missed calls from him and an incredible voicemail message.  I found out later he came to my house and knocked on my door and actually slept in his vehicle while trying to call me on the phone. 

His voicemail message melted my heart.  He said Babe I’m sorry I’m so sorry I don’t want to lose you I don’t ever want to be without you again.  I didn’t know I didn’t know how much I love you….Baby pleeeeaaaase pick up the phone please call me back I have to see you!

To make a long story short we got back together.  He took me out one night soon after this and asked me to be his girlfriend again!  It was a quaint Italian restaurant and he grabbed both of my hands and said he sees a real future with me. 

He regretted breaking up with me.  He sincerely apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again.  He said he’s committed to making it work even with hurdles or struggles with the kids. 

He told me how much he valued me and appreciated my presence in his life and how he planned to Marry me one day down the road.  I heard a man whisper seated at a table next to us as he leaned over to kiss me, Did they just get engaged? “. Lol! 

So we have been back together since July 2014 and steadily growing closer and closer ever since.  He is still cross about me starting a dating web site so quickly after our split but I don’t regret it one bit because it brought us back together! 

Thanks for all of your wisdom and insight Kat!  I truly am a changed person inside for the better since finding Kat!  We have recently been engagement ring shopping!  No ring yet but it feels like its on his mind a lot lately. 

Although I would love to be his Fiancé because our relationship feels so incredible and intimate I also know truly that I will be okay no matter what happens because I am healed and I am finally whole again inside !  Titles don’t really matter when the connection is so incredible! 

I continue to lean back no expectations and just enjoy our connection and you know what?  It is enough for now and I am enough just as I am!  It feels good to finally begin to love myself through this process !  Many Blessing Kat!  Thank you.

Diana chose the path of least resistance.  You can learn more about it in my hit powerful inner program which Diana was a part of: The Journey Inward: The First Defining Steps Toward Feminine Magnetism.

This is the program that will change you from the inside out that makes you so totally irresistible with your softness and inner strength the way Diana is.  Here’s what Wendy from Memphis said just after the first class:  “Kat, the first time I listened to the Journey inward yesterday during the live session. I kind of understood what you were saying. But I just finished listening to the replay and it hit me!!! I get it!! I get it!!! The back and forth of the ego between an attachment to pleasure and the aversion from pain. And the fact that the ego is separate from who we truly are. And none of it is real. And none of it really matters and it’s all an illusion. I just want to say Thank you!! Thank you so much!!!

I just started the program yesterday, and I already see a difference in myself. The awakening was powerful and every thing that Kat was teaching made complete sense. It’s worth it. It teaches you to stay in the present. That your emotions, your ego is not real. It teaches you that your ego is separate from who you really are. When you separate yourself from your ego, all of your worries and anxieties become non existent. And that was just class 1!!! It’s worth EVERY penny.”

UPDATE:  He proposed on April 18, 2015.  She’s my 9th engagement in 2015!!  Listen to her fascinating interview here  (2nd series, class #3)

dating a recently divorced man

 

MORE: Now He’s Back And Hooked, Keep Him Hooked With The Seductive Power Of Language Of Desire: Dirty Talk

Have you read my book yet?  If not grab it here because you will learn so much about a lot of things that haven’t worked for you in your love life and how to fix them.  And I have just recently updated it with additional 20 new pages so there is more meat in it now.  If you sign up to my newsletter, you will receive the first three chapters.  This book is a primer on dating and gaining a man’s love and adoration for any woman.

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5 comments

  • I told him. While he said he would support me in any decision I make, it’s really bad timing for us and he’s worried about having the money to support it. He doesn’t want it. However, I’m almost 40 and worried this might be my only chance to be a mother (I didn’t think I even wanted kids). I thanked him for his support and being honest with me. I don’t want to have a baby alone, or have him thinking I trapped him into a relationship with me.
    Thank you so much Katarina. Really, really, you have helped so many people. I know you work with women, but you helping women has also helped men across the world. Imagine all those EUM who would never be able to find real, relaxed, secure women without you. You really are making the world a better place.

  • Hi, I bought your book and am an avid follower of your website. It is thanks to you that I have been dating a wonderful guy for the past 10 months, who treats me better than I have ever been treated. Yes, he’s EUM, but with your teachings, things have been great. I trust his lead, let him go at his pace (even though sometimes I want to scream at how slow it feels to me, then I calm down enough to remember your teachings).
    He is divorced, but still in a custody battle over his two kids. As I said, things have been going great between us. He has always said how he likes how easy and fun it is to be with me, that other girls made it so complicated, and he appreciated that we could take things slow because of the legal custody issues.
    The problem? I just found out I’m pregnant. I don’t know how I feel, but mostly, I’m really scared that this will seem “rushed” to him. I do not want him to feel trapped with me in any way. Is there any way to have him accept me and this pregnancy without freaking him out? I’m scared that my own “freaking out” energy is not good for us either. All the work I’ve done seems to be unraveling…

    • Hi Nadine, make you really are pregnant and then tell him. I had a client who had a false alarm before. If you are pregnant, you are pregnant, what can you do? Discuss with him what the next step is. No need to freak out. Next time please be safe.

  • I bought your book when I met a new guy that I liked this past summer. We’ve been seeing each other long distance. I did as you suggest and let him make the calls/texts until this Christmas when he got really upset with me and demanded I start texting and calling. So I started either “good morning” text or “good night” phone call every other day based upon his last initiated contact with me. He’s having career/money problems, and he recently disappeared on me. At Christmas, he introduced me to his family and said they were all shocked because he’s never brought a woman home to meet them ever (he’s 42 years old). He told me he’s never wanted children but that he loves me enough that he’d do that for me (I did not bring up this subject). I also withdrew from him for being critical of me; I felt like he was pushing me away. We made up, he apologized, and then we had a great weekend together (except he had little money to do anything), and then he stopped responding/pursuing me. I’m sad because I do miss him, but I’ve ceased contacting him because he didn’t return my phone call. I’m planning on leaving it to him to reconnect, but I wonder if he just may be embarrassed by his lack of funds/career issues? I don’t want him to think I’ve abandoned him when the times are tough, but I also don’t want to chase a man who’s disappeared or try to be his mommy.

    • Go back to leaning back. If you do it properly a guy will not even notice. Whatever the reason is, it’s not for you to fix him or the situation. Stop trying to mother or be a therapist to a guy.

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